"I love you."

-/-

Had they not been worried that the world might fall apart, they probably would have laughed at the break-up-but-not-break-up-turned-stand-off situation.

At that moment, the cosmos seemed to stand still and time ceased to pass, their eyes locking and their breathing ragged.

"You think there's someone else? Phil, this is without a doubt the most absurd thing I've ever heard. Who could I find that'd be more important to me than you? What bounds are you even speaking of?"

Dan was breathing a bit more irregularly, trying (and undoubtedly failing) to keep his composure and not let the panic sink in just yet. He's wishing he was better at lying, to others and to himself.

No matter how much he tried to lie though, and how much he enjoyed being oblivious to his emotions, it was hard to live in denial.

And it was even harder to lie to Phil.

(Maybe because, deep down, he didn't want to.)

Dan looked down at the white tiles of their apartment, focusing on a small crack at one of the edges of the tile right next to their dinner table. Fixed on the crack that suddenly seemed to symbolize their complicated relationship, now maybe damaged beyond repair, it was evident that the time has come for the playing around to stop, and for them to let each other go.

"Phil, don't tell me you love me." He swallowed as a tear run down his cheek, his voice trembling, betrayingly out of his control. "The way you love me won't give you the future you want and, believe it or not, I love you too much to let you sacrifice your dreams for the sake of convenience."

Phil was left looking at him, jaw trembling and his eyes just barely containing the tears that had welled up in his eyes. Crossing his arms, he tried to slow his breathing.

"For the sake of convenience? You think I see you as a pice of meat? Truly you must be joking, Dan." His voice was low, barely above a whisper. He looked hurt, and sad, and so small at that moment, wishing for the whole conversation to be part of some weird dream and not reality.

He knew he should have never agreed to this no strings attached rapport, to something so fragile and delicate. Right then he glimpsed at the consequences of it, of the bitter end it was doomed to have, of the grant loss that it would bring. The loss of not only a lover, but a best friend.

"You say you love me, but I think that if you did you'd never tell me that I see you as an object, and not as my best friend."

The tears finally fell from his eyes and the wet tracks that they left on their way glistened, reflecting the warm light of their living room lamp.

Dan suddenly felt ashamed about the phrasing of his words, realizing what they could imply and how they could hurt his friend. But just as he opened his mouth to speak, Phil interjected.

"The first time we woke up in the same bed was after one of those wild college parties you went to, remember?"

Dan looked at him confused, failing to see what was the point in changing the conversation to something so emotion-filled.

"Yeah, we had gotten a cab and ended up in your apartment. We were so, so drunk." His mouth involuntarily did a half smile at the memory. Before they had left for the party they had talked about what those make out sessions they had grown accustomed to meant, and he had in a panic-infused frenzy said that they were just that and nothing more. He had started this monologue about life and youth and freedom of expression, that looking back he realized made no sense, and lastly just through in there that it was just practice for all the partners that were to come.

Who could have imagined that there wouldn't be any.

"I wish we weren't drunk the first time we slept together. I wish it would have meant something." He whispered, and kept his eyes on the broken tile.

Phil exhaled and looked at him with a sad smile. "It meant something to me, you know."

Dan's eyes moved from the floor to Phil's face, with a shocked and maybe even hopeful expression.

"Dan, how can you not understand it? How can you believe that all the times we were together I was there because it was just convenient?"

With his voice breaking at every second syllable, Phil's tears now were flowing completely freely, and he looked just tired and hurt and disappointed.

"How can you believe that I don't love you?"

There was a pause where both of them couldn't speak, the one out of shock, the other out of fear of weeping.

"My biggest problem the past decade is that I can't love anyone but you."

Phil, stood up and went to leave the room. Right then though, Dan grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. "Wait."

"I love you, Phil. As in, I am in love with you, I have been ,literally, for years. It never even crossed my mind that you might feel the same. I thought, after I shot down the possibility of us as an item back when we met, that you wouldn't ever want to be with me again. I'm sorry."

Phil kneeled down so their heads were on the same weight, smiled and put his palms on Dan's cheeks, his thumbs grazing the tops of his cheekbones.

"I'm sorry, too.", he said, and he kissed him. The kiss was short and sweet, more like a peck on the lips, but to them it meant the end of pretending that their connection was just a friendship loosely intertwined with random physical affection. It was friendship, that was their founding ground after all, but it has blossomed into a love that was far from platonic.

"Maybe we could start again, from the beginning."

Phil grinned.

"Wanna go on a date?"

——————————————-

Finally finished! Honestly, now that I read it again it's very dramatic and cringe, but I guess it helps that experimented now than later when it might actually matter lol

Leave a comment if you read this, I really would like to hear your opinion

Hugs and kisses,

Sharline Nebula