Authors Note:

This chapter has been very difficult for me to write, and if it comes off as confusing, I do apologize. I struggled with describing how Judy's conscious mind would communicate with her inner demons (mania, depression, anxiety, paranoia, rage, self-hatred, etc...), and this was the best I could come up with:

1) Judy's inner demons' dialog would start and end with three asterisks (***), and talk in the third-person (she/her) past tense.

2) Her inner conscious dialog would talk in the first-person (I/me) present tense, and would refer to her inner demons in the second-person (you/Judy) present tense.

3) All distinct thought processes are italicized. Indistinct thought processes are normal text.

I know it's a bit confusing and that I might loose some readers with the way I did it (I confused the heck out of my proof readers), but I am trying to show the internal dialog of someone who is not entirely sane by our standards.

Judy has spent half of her childhood in a horrible mental institution drugged up to her eyeballs, several years as a street prostitute, a year as Dawn Bellwether's special friend, and three more years on the streets as a homeless mammal prone to panic attacks. Not to mention dying a horribly painful fiery death in a previous life only to then get "rebooted" and sent on her merry way by a trickster god on what amounts to be a suicide mission for a nine year old child.

She has come out of these life experiences damaged, to say the least.

But do not despair, as all is not lost, for with time, courage, and the steadfast love of family and friends, recovery is possible. She just needs to take the first step, and admit to herself that she still needs help.

There are other very significant factors that also contribute to this particular equation, but as River Song would say: "Spoilers!"

Tuesday night in the Snowy Hills

Hugo sat back in his office chair and considered the images on the screen in front of his eyes. While such images may not be as titillating to a mule like himself as they would be to someone more sexually active, or perhaps more rabbit than he, he did understood the appeal from a biological point of view. The images before him also gave him a data point into her life that he hadn't had before, he wryly acknowledged.

What he knew of her thirteen years ago when she had been a skinny hyperactive teenager and what he knew of her now, half starved and homeless, had left him with a sizable data gap. Those images before him painted a far different picture of what Judy Hopps could be, of the rabbit that currently slept in his couch.

Painted. Painted, indeed. She had shaved bold patterns in her fur, and dyed those patterns in bold colors that proclaimed her existence with courageous voice and furious pride. She certainly wasn't being subtle or shy about being noticed. The patterns changed haphazardly, as did the colors. He supposed that the images didn't present her in any logically consistent time line or order, being that it was just a basic web search. But they did declare that she was unafraid of the attention applied to her. "Look at me, world, for here I am!"

Good for her! A far cry from the shy awkward gangliness of her youth.

The pictures showed her physique, fit and limber, her musculature strong and well defined. Her stance spoke of a healthy skeletal system, and her face and teeth indicated a healthy diet. He didn't see any evidence of drug use or the scars of self harm. What coat she had that wasn't shaved shined with the vitality and vigor of youthful health.

Now, some of the other images were of more concern to him, at least from a medical stand-point. He would not have thought a bunny capable of shoving such a variety of so many, most rather large, objects into themselves and still be grinning like a lunatic instead of screaming in pain. Or in turn accommodating the various well endowed male mammals that she so enthusiastically rode upon, being that artificial lube only took you so far.

He understood that porn was a fantasy and that the participants were just actors upon a stage, but he also understood body language better than most, as most mammals only bothered to learn the languages of their own species. As a doctor, and as a stranger in a strange land, he endeavored to know more, and not to be limited by his own ignorance.

Judy's body spoke of a carefree joy, a pride in her existence, and a power in her presence. Had this perhaps been where she had learned to emote like she had in the Clinic? She was certainly projecting, and not faking, the sincerity of her feelings through her actions in the photos that he could see.

Hum…. It gave him pause to wonder.

He had been surprised at first at her display in the examination room today, both by the raw power of her projection, and the skill she displayed in doing so. By stripping in front of him, showing him her weakened body, she showed him that she was not afraid of him, prey declaring defiance to predator. The corresponding tension in her stance had bespoke of a fury that she could barely contain.

He supposed that it was him she was angry with, and not Meredith or the staff, since Judy kept her back to him the entire time. It was a message intended for him and him alone. Perhaps he had failed to notice something, or perhaps he should have stayed by her side during the time at the clinic. So he prepared himself and stood ready for when she turned on him. But as powerful as it had been, it passed just as quickly, and suddenly she as meek and as shy as she had been as a teenager. What had she been feeling?

From what she said in the car, he could image that she felt betrayed and abandoned by him, when she had been left behind at Cliffside. She had been; those feelings were perfectly valid. He did feel that he had betrayed her, by promising her a freedom that he could not deliver. That had been part of the guilt that drove his sense of duty, that and a promise made to desperate parents with no other recourse left to them to assuage their loss. He would find her, no matter what; find her and bring her home. But time moved on and he never did.

Ten years had passed in the blink of an eye and in that time his faith had been sorely tested. Despair had given way to grudging admission that he had failed, as his search had dwindled, running out of places to look, and he had to come to terms with finality.

Then his grandmother had to butt in and turned his faith upside down. One phone call taken, one promise lightly given, and a path he had never really intend to take had turned into a miracle under the light of a lonely street lamp, where at long last the impossible was made true.

Hugo was now firmly of the opinion that he didn't find Judy that night, nor that she had simply blundered him, but they had instead been guided to each other, to the right place at the right time, right when they were supposed to be.

What he couldn't figure out was why? Why now? Why not 5 or even 10 years ago? What was so important about this very moment? What was he missing?

Abuela, me haces doler la cabeza. (*Grandma, you make my head hurt.)

Argh!

So many thoughts, and so little clarity. I need focus…

Hugo turned off his computer, and stood up and stretched. Focus.

He would to seek focus.

Judy awoke in the dark with a start. For a brief moment, she didn't know where she was, and the fear of being trapped in a strange place caused her anxiety to flare up. ***Run! Hide!*** She had to stamp down hard on that reaction, gritting her teeth in frustration. This is Hugo's place, up in the Snowy Hills, damn it. She lay on his couch in his living room, his scent awash in the old blankets that covered her, right where she had laid down after they had gotten back from shopping.

You're safe, you dumb bunny! You're not trapped, he didn't lock the doors, he's not going to give you injections, and he certainly isn't going to eat you. Gah! Judy yelled back at the runaway freight train that was her anxiety. Stupid brain.

She rolled over with a sigh. She hadn't sleep inside a house in over three years and realized, Yeah, this was definitely a weird way to wake up. Yesterday morning didn't count, because she was recovering from hypothermia then and everything had been confusing.

One would would think that waking up on soft cushions, comfortably warm, without cockroaches for bed companions, would be a grand experience for an street mammal. Nope, not for the valiant Judy Hopps it ain't! It's cause for an automatic panic attack, that's what it is, just because it's strange! She groaned, clutching her paws to her temples, trying to rub her palms into her skull.

With a sigh, she sat back up, the blanket slipping off of her shoulders. It wasn't dark, not really, just dim. Hugo must have turned the lights down low so she could sleep, not knowing that she might have an anxiety attack in the dark.

***And how could he know? She hadn't told him yet. She had told Meredith, but she hadn't told Hugo. Why the hell not? She had plenty of time in the car. No, no, she had to use that time to interrogate him about why he abandoned her at Cliffside. That was stupid.***

Yeah, it was stupid. Why haven't I told him about my panic attacks? It's not like he wouldn't understand what it was like. Even back at Cliffside, in the group art room, he had been OCD, lining up the students pencils and crayons in perfectly aligned rows by color and length. His house is spotless, his car immaculate, and his clothes perfect. And if they weren't, he'd probably have a meltdown. He knows exactly what it's like to live with something you can't turn off. Why don't I talk to him?

I was so happy to see him when he got back to the examination room, even relieved, but as soon as I started getting dressed it just morphed into anger. Why did I stripe naked right in front of him? Was I really thinking that he didn't want to see me?

***He had abandoned her at the clinic! He left her alone! She had striped naked in front of him just to spite him, and he never noticed that! He didn't say anything or do anything. He probably didn't even care. Who would? Not about a scrawny slip of a rabbit like her. No, he disappeared during her entire examination, popping in only once to grab a stupid photo and then jetting off again, only to return at the very end to pay the bills. Where the hell did he go? Why couldn't he stay? She should have yelled at him! He deserved it!***

Judy, he said that was going to happen as soon as he showed up; that the other doctors would come get him! He even went as far as pointing it out again while you were filling out the forms in the waiting room. You know that! That's even why they brought Meredith along, to stay with you while he did what he needed to do for the other clinic doctors. That's what doctors do when they're at the doctors office – they see other patients!

Once she had remember that in the examination room, she had been so embarrassed by her display of anger. She tried to do some composure grooming on her head fur while standing in front of Hugo and Meredith, but she had been sure her ears were burning so hot that they were going to catch fire.

He has never abandoned you! He had even said so, over the phone when he was talking to Meredith last night. He had been searching for you for over a decade before he finally found you; found his Judy Hopps. He had desperately wanted to find you. He wasn't gonna abandon you now that he had found you.

He didn't abandon you at Cliffside, either. Swinton had locked him out, which sounded exactly like something that stupid sow would do, and his boss wouldn't let him go back. It wasn't his fault that you never saw him again. Hugo even helped to get that evil place shutdown, which was probably what got you out in the end!

***He had been trying to find her for ten years, and she gets mad at him for not being there during a doctor's visit? She really was just a dumb bunny. Stupid, stupid, bunny. Who would really want a failure like her? She was an ex-con! A mental patient turned prostitute who topped it all off by living like a crazy shrieking homeless lady on the streets of Zootopia. Was she trying to project a facade of sane normalcy for him so that he wouldn't reject her as soon as he figured out how crazy she really was? That's why she was so mad at him, because he wasn't there for her act! Like he couldn't see right through it, dumb bunny. He's a neurologist who deals with the homeless all the time, for God's sake. He knows exactly what to look for: neurosis, delusions, anger management issues… Yup, she had it all, and it was just a matter of time before he figured it all out anyway.***

Gah! This was all so stupid. She opened her eyes and stared across the room, trying to pick some detail to focus on other than her own self-doubt. Oh, look, he left her a snack on the coffee table. She could see that he had sliced up a plate load of the vegetables that he bought today, covering it in clear wrap. To compliment that he had also set out another plate with crackers and nuts right next to it.

She slide to the floor in front of the plates, and tore the wrap off. She bit into a slice of fresh sweet pepper, and with a little moan, she marveled at the crisp, clean taste. She had been eating moldy and rotting vegetables for so long that she forgotten what fresh vegetables actually tasted like. She was soon stuffing her muzzle with slices of zucchini and squash, cramming the food into her muzzle like it was going to get stolen before she finished. Slow down, you greedy squirrel, ain't nobody here but you. Take your time, and enjoy it. He made it just for you. For you!

***He did, he really did. He was so nice to her and she was so ungrateful. She had been ready to say so many really mean things to him, and he didn't deserve any of them. If she stuck around too long, she'd find some stupid reason to get mad at him again and explode, and then he'd know how crazy she was. He didn't need that. He had his choice of females, like that stout Doctor Victoria. She was so pretty, graceful, and caring. Where as Judy Hopps was plain, scrawny, and crazier than a bag full of bats. What was she doing here? Why was she staying? He's gonna get tired of her soon, so maybe she should just leave.***

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Judy started to thump her forehead against the coffee table top, trying to pound the latest round of self destruction out of her head. HE ALREADY KNOWS YOU'RE NUTSO AND HE STILL WANTS YOU TO STAY, JUDY! She yelled back at her brain.

Why was this so hard? She asked herself, as she took a deep breath.

Wait, was something burning? She sniffed the air and breathed in the scent, Sandalwood? She slide out from behind the coffee table, and after standing upright, she traced the soft smell across the room and down the hall to the stairwell. Pausing at the top, she didn't see any smoke wafting up. Breathing slowly in through her nose, trying not irritate her annoyed lungs, she caught the scent of magnolia.

Nag Champa? Is he burning incense?

The stairwell was a dim shaft, the only light along it's entire length coming from the light switch at the end. The railing was positioned for a mammal like her, and thick carpeting covered the stairs. She gripped the railing, and by feel, slowly descended into the darkness.

Why am I doing this? This was really weird, following the scent of incense down into a dark well. I should be terrified doing this!

But she wasn't. Maybe it was because the stairway just reminded her of the root cellar back at her family home, and how she used to hide down among the shelves of jars and bulbs during childhood games of hide-and-seek. And the incense scent was so familiar, so calming. She had always used Nag Champa when she did her yoga, an art she had not practiced in such a long time.

No time like the present! The excited thought came unbidden. She smiled at that little thought trickle, so upbeat and positive. So unlike the dark moods that plagued her current existence.

She finally came to the bottom of the stair, the light from the switch strong enough to see the runner on the floor. She stepped lightly upon the runner, and peeked around the corner to her right. It was an inky pit, but she could smell tire rubber and motor oil in it. The garage lay that way, she knew, but not him. He must be down the other way, in a room that she hadn't been in yet.

She slide to the other side of the stairwell, her torso covering up the light switch with it's merry little orange spark and leaning around the corner she peeked down the other way. At the end of the short hall to her left an open doorway stood facing her, warm gentle light spilling out, the glow cast by the flickering flames of half a dozen beeswax candles. They were lined up in a row upon a fireplace mantle made from a dark stone flecked with mica. They smelled so good, mixed in with the smell of sandalwood and magnolia from the incense.

She could see a little white ceramic tray set right in front of the fireplace hearth, a lit stick of incense stuck in the side, smoldering slowly, a little wisp of smoke drifting upwards. A small brass gong sat to one side of the incense tray, and on the other a small china teapot clad in gold trim on a pot warmer.

She contemplated moving further down the hallway, closer to the light, when a shadow fell across the door frame. It was Hugo. He moved across the open portal, clad only in loose white pants, leaving the fur on his chest and arms bare. He slowly slide across the floor, carefully placing his feet down as he moved his arms and paws in a smooth progression of poses.

That's Tai-ji, she realized. She would be able to recognize those moves anywhere; it was a really popular martial art in Angels City. There had even been classes at her yoga studio in Angels City, taught by this crusty old mongoose. She never attended any of the classes, being that they had mostly been filled with older mammals, as her yoga classes along with running fulfilled most of her daily physical fitness program, but it was still a beautiful art form.

He looks so graceful. Controlled yet fluid. He turned back to the fireplace, and she marveled at the definition of his back, the thick muscles rolling under his fur as he moved his arms and torso through the forms.

Sweet cheese and crackers, he's ripped! He looks like one of those tiger dancers at a Gazelle concert, except in miniature. Where the hell had he been hiding all that muscle?

She knew he was strong, especially after the way he had lifted her up without effort in the Tundratown alleyway, but that night she had been more concerned with the thickness of his fur and his warmth radiating underneath her cold paws than the feel of his muscles beneath his skin. The rest of him had been hidden under a dark sports jacket and slacks, like the outfit he wore today. It must be his standard duty doctor uniform.

I wouldn't mind waking up next to that every morning! Rawr!

***What?! Where the hell did that come from? Is her libido seriously finding him attractive? He's not a bunny; hell's bells, he's not even a fox! He's a cat, a pure carnivore! He's a killing machine in a fur tuxedo. Powerful teeth, really sharp claws, and don't forget the feline nightmare hiding in his pants. Remember that stupid bobcat that fucked her up and gave her gonorrhea? She couldn't sit down without pain for a week! Felines! Never again!***

***Besides, she's not 15 anymore, going gaga in a teenage crush over the only doctor at Cliffside that ever said nice things to her. She was an adult now, experienced in the foibles and follies of males. Just because he's beautiful didn't mean he wasn't also an egotistical douchbag who just wanted to get into her pants. Hump her and dump her, just like every other male who had ever used her and left her bleeding body and soul on a lonely street corner.***

That's not true, Judy, and you know that. I know that. He isn't trying to use me. He's taking care of me, being exceedingly gentle despite his strength, and very considerate of my feelings. So very few males in my adult life have been so considerate…

Her grip tighted on the railing.

I just want to be held.

She closed her eyes.

Loved.

She sighed.

Believed.

She had held on to her secret for so long that it had spread through her existance like a cancer, rotting her life away like leprosy, bits falling off of her by the way side with every step she took. She had sacrificed nearly everything important to her to keep it: her family, her career, her freedom, and her fox. What little she had been left with she was slowly loosing too: her body, her dignity, her sanity, and her faith. If she wasn't careful, soon she would loose herself too, reduced to nothingness, yesterday's dust blown away in the wind.

Nothing left of Judy Hopps but pain and bad memories, a sad echo upon the world's tapestry, she sadly acknowledged to herself.

But now, at Death's very doorstep, somebody had stepped in and said to her: "Stay. Please stay. I want you to stay. We have so much to talk about."

Please...

***Was that enough? That somebody valued her? That against all odds, somebody would reach out to her and say: You are worth the fight to me.***

Say...

***Might he be that someone who would take the time to stop and listen, and maybe, just maybe, be able to believe her? Was he worth that chance?***

Yes...

***She could stay. He could help her heal, and she could help him. How, she honestly had not idea, but something told her that in time she could. Perhaps it was faith? After all, he had found her, lost and dying, against all odds after a decade's long search that had born so little fruit. He had kept that faith solid to his core and maybe she could learn from him how he did that.***

Okay, I'll take it on faith, she decided, relieved that her inner demons finally agreed with her on this.

She'll stay, and maybe, if he learns to trust her, and she learns to trust him, maybe then she will be able to tell him her deepest and most darkest secret, the secret she risked sanity itself to keep.

She will finally tell him why she had to kill Carl Latrans.

Hugo finished his forms, and stood in the center of the room, slowly breathing in and out, letting the peace help center his chi. As he did that, he heard a soft sound behind him; a scrape or a swish. He slowly turned his head back to look down the hall, but blinded by the candle light, he saw nothing but darkness.

Maybe it was Judy, up and moving around. He walked back down the hall to the stairs, but he didn't see anything. He could only smell the Nag Champa, the woody scent clinging to him like a second skin. The incense vapors could get heavy in that back room, especially if he didn't open the fireplace flue to vent the smoke, but he had wanted to keep the house warm for Judy's sake so he had left it closed.

He softly padded back to the top of the stairs and made his way through the gloom to the couch. She lay on the couch, one arm thrown across her face and the other clutching a blanket to her chest. He turned to look at the table, and saw that she had opened up the veggies, and half the slices were gone. Oh, good. She had eaten something, at least.

He picked up the veggie plate to put them away, but left the crackers and nuts behind in case she woke up again and wanted a snack. Placing the plate in the refrigerator, he padded back downstairs to finish out his meditations, leaving Judy to her slumbers.

For those who made it through this, Thank you. It is part of her journey, and sometimes before one can seek the light, one has to first the face the darkness within.

And for those who could not, it will get better. I promise.

Next Flashback: Homecoming
Judy has come back to the farm, and her family strive to make the transition as painless as possible. Struggling with the nightmares of her past, Judy has to face the fact that home isn't what it used to be.

Next Current Day: Contributions
Judy and Hugo will experience a day filled with normal tasks and quiet joys, and Judy will be invited to make a contribution of her own to Hugo's life.