Steve Warz
Episode [Egg]:
The Hatching
Three years have passed since the Contractor's announcement of becoming a benevolent deity, and nothing of particular interest has happened as a result. Well, unless we're talking astronomy.
For several months, meteors had been shooting out from a region of space known as the Dragon Claw Nebula. Research done on the meteorites recovered from impact sites on nearby planets revealed that they possessed a strange, untappable form of energy. These rocks were dubbed Dragonite, and over the months their frequency has increased. While it remains a mystery as to why they keep coming, people pay it no mind as they scramble to collect them, either for scientific purposes or use in fashion and art. Soon, Dragonite became the galaxy's latest hot commodity and could be found on nearly every planet.
And where do our Jedi fit in all this? Nowhere, really. After rescuing Squishy from the machinations of "the Master" and his lackey the Accountant, they were stricken with the horrid state of boredom known as peacetime. And since the Contractor no longer posed a sinister threat, there wasn't a chance for a random hostile plot to occur and liven things up. Thus, the Jedi parted and pursued their own interests once more, the Jaa-Ruuk kids (Stan, Sally, and Rick) included.
Rick spends his time wandering the back alleys of city planets, keeping to himself while occasionally jumping in to play vigilante when the occasion arises. Sally has begun an insanely successful singing career and is on a massive galactic tour, earning major pop culture status with the release of her hit single "Scaly Back"(on an unrelated note, paraphernalia pertaining to reptilian lifestyles have seen considerable gains). As for Stan, he's kept to more traditional Jedi routines, serving as peacekeeper and ambassador for interspecies relations on various diplomatic assignments, which has the added bonus of letting him travel abroad while also improving his social skills. However, lately something's been nagging him that's making him feel lonesome, and for the life of him he has no idea what.
Then there are the original Jedi: Anna and Copeland continue doing random acts of meanness; Jo hangs with Chris and Duff on Mon Calamari; and Squishy and Sylvia continue running Jawa Home with their main man-thing Steezy, with Squishy getting back into the habit of writing of all things. Will and Sara, out of serious boredom, decided to stay on Jawa Home and help around. While Sara provides medical training seminars and has started a highly-competitive bowling league, Will offers marksmanship courses and does maintenance work in the station's various machine shops. Probably a good place to check in, eh?
(Space, with Jawa Home front and center. Within the corner of one of its hangers is an area filled with assorted parts and machines. Amidst the rubble is Will wearing a welding mask and welding something. Nearby, something lurks through the junk all creepy-like. Switch back to Will, who stops and lifts his mask to see what's out there. Seeing nothing, he resumes his work. The entity stalks closer and closer. Will has put away the welder and is holding a long metal tube. There's a clang somewhere and Will looks around quickly. He chuckles at his jumpiness, then turns back only to have a Jawa head pop out of the tube)
Squishy: Hey Will—
Will: J-Word!
(Falls back dropping tube. Squishy pops out of it completely and Will recovers)
Will: Bajimminy you scared the frak out of me! How'd you even get in there?
Squishy: Heehee, a sneak never reveals his secrets. So what are you working on?
Will: (Getting up) If you must know, it's a little project for one of my classes.
Squishy: Is it? (Squishy holds up tube) Some kind of launcher?
Will: (Will takes tube) A potato gun, actually. We're about to start a course on handling heavy projectiles and this seems like a good starting point.
Squishy: Neat. How about all the ship parts I asked you to fix?
Will: Done. They're in that pile over there.
(Squishy goes over to a nearby junk pile)
Squishy: These are all fixed?
Will: Yessir.
Squishy: Will, these are cobbled together like a spice runner's subspace engine. I know you're a wizard with these things, so why are you holding out on me?
Will: Hard to do it clean and professional when there aren't enough proper components to go around. I've reminded you countless times to restock around here.
Squishy: They're stocked in the central maintenance hub, Will, which has been my response all those previous times.
Will: Then you might also recall, Squish, how I didn't want to walk a mile back and forth for what's essentially volunteer work.
Squishy: Wait a tick... (Holds up a part) Is this a part of my Nintendo?
Will: Uhhhhh...
Squishy: Holy schnikers you dismantled my Nintendo!
Will: You weren't using it, and I needed that cart cover flap thing for a wing stabilizer.
Squishy: Just because I don't play something doesn't mean I'm through with it. It's called rising antiquity value! Rising Antiquity Value!
Will: About as much junk as everything else here is what I say.
Squishy: It's still a... Hold on, what's that? (Squishy goes over to another pile) What's my Xbox doing here?
Will: Paperweight. Gotta keep the schematics down.
(Squishy holds up a green lava lamp)
Squishy: Why is the internal hard drive floating around in this thing?
Will: Thought it would spruce up the place. You know, neo-feng shui.
Squishy: Dude, I still play this Xbox! How could you just gut it like—What the h**l is this!? (Goes over to some freaky toilet thing) You made a toilet out of my Dreamcast?!
Will: You didn't install any bathrooms here, and you have to admit that system was literal junk.
Squishy: What's all this paper on the floor? (Picks up pieces) Is… Was this the novel I've been spending five months working on?
Will: Gotta have TP as well.
(Squishy drops paper and stiffens)
Squishy: … Will, let me ask you something: WHAT IN THE TARNATION ARE YOU THINKING?! How could you just, just do this?! There are BOUNDARIES and ETIQUETTE you have to follow if you expect to work on this station! If it wasn't for my caring, compassionate self your sorry Army-wannabe a** would be out there bored in some slum somewhere baking bread you don't have the yeast for, which you'll never have once I rip your nuts off with my bare hands! Then I'll tape a welder to those nuts and they would make for more respectable workers than you! You go destroying other peoples' personal property, sitting around, putting on headbands, getting high and listening to your godd*** Beatles albums while I'm out there wading through rice paddies bullets flying all over the place, me and Charley slugging it out so you can be a freeloading maniac! Tell me why we didn't push those rice eaters back to the Great Wall of China and NUKE THEIR SORRY SELVES BACK TO THE STONE AGE SAY IT! SAY IIIT!
Will: Holy f***ing crap are you channeling "Back To School", I mean God dern!
Squishy: (Calm) I get pretty emotional when it comes to my game systems and my stories, y'know. Plus that scene with the psycho professor has been on my mind lately. Real hard not to lose yourself in something so memorable, right Rod?
Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah. Real intense guy, but he can get a chuckle like nobody's business.
Will: (Shrug) I guess.
(A phone rings. Squishy reaches over and grabs a phone made from a SNES controller)
Squishy: Yello?
Steezy: Ayyy, Squish-man. Finally got the right place.
Squishy: Yo there, Steeze. Just the guy to end the segment. What's up?
Steezy: End the what? Anyway, dude, listen: Ackbar wants to talk with you. It's a Jedi-only meeting, so you gotta bring Will up to the main conference room pronto.
Squishy: Sure, we'll be there. Thanks for the heads up.
Steezy: No probs. Later.
(Hangs up. Squishy puts away phone)
Squishy: We got a meeting with the Admiral. Jedi only.
Will: Alright, let's hop to it.
(They start leaving, but Squishy gets up in Will's face)
Squishy: Don't think this subject is over, bucko. Not by a long shot!
(They leave. We turn to a large round room with a huge TV screen. Will, Sara, Squishy and Sylvia arrive)
Sara: Hey hon. Things in the shop going well?
Will: Mostly, except Squishy gave me the 9th degree.
Sara: What for?
Squishy: I'll get into that once this is over.
(The screen comes on, showing the Mon Calamarian admiral himself sitting behind a desk)
Will: Greetings, Admiral.
Ackbar: Good to see you once again, Jedi. It seems you're keeping healthy in these calm times.
Sara: Not much else to do but look after ourselves.
Sylvia: Have to say you're looking swell yourself, Admiral.
Ackbar: Bah. An old hand like me has to look after himself if he wants to keep with the tide. I no longer have the luxury to sit idly by with no lasting consequences.
(Chris slides in onscreen)
Chris: Morning, angels.
All: Morning, Chris.
Sylvia: Chris, what's that thing wrapped around your waist?
Chris: Uh, it's a tutu: Completely unrelated to anything. (Rips it off)
Sylvia: Oh.
Sara: How are things, Chris?
Chris: They're pretty dang swimmy, except for Joseph. He just slouches around, so I got rid of his whiny b***h a**.
Ackbar: He's actually on assignment: One that concerns all of you. You may already know that several weeks ago, a particularly large chunk of Dragonite crashed onto the Twi'lek homeworld of Ryloth. Scientists there have just finished excavating it and are ready to transport it to Coruscant for further study. Escorts will be needed for the trip, so you're all to report to the excavation site for the transfer.
Chris: Two Jedi would've been enough for guard detail, buuuut since you guys don't see each other much these days, I've made arrangements for there to be a cookout for all of you at the site.
(Cheers)
Will: Awesome!
Squishy: Free food!
Chris: You fellas had done a lot, so let your home boy Chris spoil you with some military hospitality. The good kind, anyway.
Ackbar: Everybody else has readily accepted, so it'll be quite the get together if you accept as well.
Sylvia: But of course, Admiral.
Squishy: No doubt!
Sara: We're both in!
Ackbar: Excellent. Now make haste to Ryloth at the uploaded coordinates.
Chris: I'll order the grill to be fired up in one hour so you better hurry. Seacrest out!
(Screen turns off)
Sara: You hear that, Will: A BBQ/Get together/Escort mission!
Will: It's been way too long since I had ribs.
Sylvia: And everyone's going to be there, too. It'll be great talking with everyone again, especially the kids.
Squishy: Yeah, it's been a long while. They're off doing their own thing, but parents still gotta check in every once in a while.
Will: So let's get going already, I'm starving here!
(They exit. Out in the hall Steezy greets them)
Steezy: So what was it this time?
Sara: There's a BBQ on Ryloth and we're invited!
Steezy: Alright!
Squishy: You can't come.
Steezy: What?! You're ditching me again? You guys still owe me for coming to the rescue those years ago!
Sylvia: It's a Jedi-only party, brother. We'll do something together when we get back.
Steezy: Oh come on! I'm part of the crew, too!
Squishy: Like she said, once we get back we can do something. We might even wrangle the kids to come visit as well. (They leave)
Steezy: Serious bummer all the same...
(Some time later, we switch to the great barren planet of Ryloth where a storm is raging near one of the massive buttes. The Century Sparrow flies into a makeshift hanger, and awhile later the four Jedi meet some scientists)
Sylvia: Is it always so windy here?
Will: Where's the beef?
Scientist: Just for today, ma'am. And everything's set up at the site, if you will just follow us.
(They follow, entering a large cavern formed by a meteoric impact on the butte's surface. Eventually they reach a spot lit by work torches revealing some picnic tables and grills loaded with various cooking items, with a smaller tunnel leading off deeper into the earth)
Scientist: The Dragonite is being moved out of that tunnel there. While that's being done you can make yourselves comfortable at one of these tables. The food will be prepared shortly, unless you want to help out.
Will: With pleasure!
(Will leaps behind the nearest grill, dons a chef's hat and straps on an apron that reads "Make War Not BLT" and gets cooking.)
Scientist: Splendid. Enjoy yourselves while we ready the specimen.
(Goes into tunnel)
Sara: I wonder where everyone else is.
Anna: Here we are.
(In comes perky and rotund Anna with tall, stoic Cope)
Squishy: Anna, Alex! Good to see ya!
Will: Yo Alex! How's it hanging?
Cope: Moderately peeved.
Anna: He's moping cuz I dragged him from a Star Trek marathon.
Cope: It was my personal off day, woman! And you insisted on turning off the TV in the middle of an episode before I could pause it. I don't do that when it's your TV time.
Anna: Only because you know I would hurt you.
Jo: Is that Alex whining again?
(Jo, the former face of the group, walks in with a fully luscious head of hair!)
Will: Jo!
Anna: Jo my man! Where the heck you been?
Jo: Being fashionably late, on account of getting all the dirt from my hair.
Sara: I see the legendary coiffure is back.
Jo: Heck yeah it is! Not only that, but I had it customized to remain this way no matter what. Observe.
(Grabs lighter fluid, douses hair, and sets it aflame. There's a fire, but the hair remains unaffected)
Jo: I know you're all jealous.
Cope: Nah: That just makes you a flamer.
(Laughs abound)
Will: Ah dip that's a good one!
Anna: You actually got one, Alex! I'm proud of you! (High fives)
Sally: Was that a high five I heard? I want in on that!
(The brown-scaled Jaa-Ruuk twins Stan and Sally walk in)
Stan: I can just give you one, sis. (Proceeds to high five his sister)
Sally: Hyeah!
Sylvia: Kids! So good to see you.
Will: Stan! Sal! How ya doing?
Stan: Hey Mom. Hey Dad. Hey guys.
Sally: Ah man the flight was so booring, but it was nice to get away from those stalkers.
Squishy: HURR!? My daughter has stalkers!?
Sally: Yeah. They started springing up after the Scaly Back video dropped. My security detail's been doing a decent job keeping them back, but still some manage to slip in a little too close.
Squishy: And you're making music videos as well? Why am I only hearing about this now?
Sally: Uhhh, I've told you about a dozen times, Dad.
Sylvia: And I've been reminding you to look it up nearly as many times.
Jo: You know, I actually did see that video a while back. You dance pretty well, Sal.
Sally: Thanks. But I've been getting sketchy fanfics lately about their fantasies with me along with the stalking. There's even some from the Star Trek community, which is really weird.
Stan: Guess that's the price of stardom, sis: Get your weirdoes with the regulars.
Anna: It's sure a lot different then how I remember it.
Cope: How I weep for the dying integrity of my childhood fanbase...
Rick: Methinks you're the sole survivor of that generation, Alex.
(The cloaked Richter strolls in)
Sally: Ricky!
Jo: Hey Ricky boy! What's going down?
Will: It's been awhile, Rick.
Rick: Yeah it has, but we're together again once more.
Will: Courtesy of the siren call that is top-quality ribs! (Cooks fervently)
Squishy: What are you up to these days, son? We never hear from you.
Rick: Oh, this and that. Wandering around for the most part.
Stan: Being a loner still, bro?
Rick: Just keeping to myself mostly, though I do get out to help when the need arises. Crowds aren't really my thing.
Sara: But don't you get bored going places all by yourself? Don't you ever miss hanging out with Stan or Sal or any one of us?
Rick: Not entirely. I'm just content living solo.
Sylvia: That can't be entirely healthy for you, Richter. Has something happened lately?
Rick: No Mom: I'm just living how I want to live. Adults don't always have to keep in contact with friends and family all the time. You don't keep in touch with grandpa regularly, do you?
Sylvia: Well, no, I'm ashamed to admit. But all the same—
Rick: And there you have it. I'm perfectly fine keeping to myself.
Squishy: Son, there's no need to snap at your mother like that. She's just concerned for you, as am I a little. Mainly because you don't call us.
Rick: I'm not snapping at anyone, Dad, and if it makes you happy I can make a call every few weeks or something.
Squishy: Or come visit us. Your uncle misses you too as well.
Rick: It's never enough, is it?
Anna: Hey hey hey! I didn't come here to hear your fussin'! This is a BBQ, d***it, not Montel!
Jo: Yeah. We're here to chill and eat and whatever our assignment was. So quit with the family drama so we can stuff our faces in peace!
(Silence)
Stan: He's right.
Sally: Yeah. This is a get-together, after all. Just for us. There's no reason for us to get all sour after being apart for so long. So Mom and Dad, lay off Rick. And Rick, quit being confrontational for today.
Rick: Sure, sis. Sorry.
Will: With all that settled, who wants a leg of lywek?
All: MEEE!
(So our heroes gather their paper plates, get their fixins from Will and eat in pure merry-nade for quite some time. As the feeding slows down)
Squishy: Mmm, mmm. Holy crap, these ribs are so tender!
Will: What can I say: I know how to beat my meat.
Sara: Will, seriously?
Squishy: And such seriously sweet drippings!
Anna: You know that's just BBQ sauce, right?
Squishy: But it's so unnatural just how sweet this stuff is!
Anna: He doesn't get out often, does he?
Sylvia: It's more that he hardly eats barbecue these days.
Cope: His loss, I say.
(As Squishy continues to relish the ribs as much as his uncultured taste buds can appreciate, a scientist comes in from the nearby tunnel)
Scientist: How is everyone?
Jo: Fan-f**king-tastic! If this meat was a woman I'd screw it in every imaginable orifice cuz it's just so d**n good!
Sara: Jo, table manners! (Bashes him in head with large bone)
Scientist: It's fortunate you're about finished, because we're about to fully unearth the Dragonite.
Stan: Sweet. We ate right through the wait.
Scientist: If you all would gather over there we will bring it out.
(Everyone gets up and throw away their trash. They stand before the tunnel as they begin feeling a rumble. Slowly rolling out from the tunnel comes a large tread-wheeled cart carrying a huge rock. When it stops we can see bits of glowing red crystal poking out from it)
Sally: That's a pretty big rock.
(The scientist comes to them)
Scientist: And there we have it: The fruit of several weeks of hard excavation. This has got to be the biggest sample recovered since Dragonite first appeared in the advanced systems. Imagine what we can learn from such a massive specimen.
Rick: Undoubtedly a lot. So where do you want us?
Scientist: Once we get the hover truck in here, all you have to do is keep close until we get onto the main transport. Afterwards we'll take it from there and you all can be on your way.
Sara: (Dejected) Ohhhhhh, so soon?
Squishy: You could all come over to the Home afterwards, keep this party rolling.
Sally: Me and Stan can definitely come over. Right, Stan?
Stan: Yeah, Sal. It's been awhile, and uncle Steezy would probably want us to hang out.
Rick: In that case, I suppose I could come spend some family time, if only for a little while.
Cope: I'd say no, but Anna will just overrule it in a heartbeat.
Anna: You know me all too well, my pet. Tee hee.
Jo: I might come over for a spell, you never know.
Scientist: We're ready to move the Dragonite, Jedi.
Will: We can talk this out later once the job's done.
You're going nowhere.
(The Jedi look around)
Anna: Who the heck?
Rick: That voice… I know that gruffness from somewhere.
Gwahahahahaha! What a major convenience this science project has become.
Squishy: That laugh…. No! Is that re—?!
(There's a great explosion as a section of the cave wall blasts inwards. The Jedi hit the dirt and the Dragonite boulder rolls off the cart with a thud. When the dust clears there's another thud as the assailant appears. Standing bold, wide and tall, we behold a figure of immense girth, scales, spiked accessories, fiery hair, claws and a great spiny shell, replete with a green and yellow color scheme. All the Jedi look up in confused astonishment)
Bowser: Hello ladies and losers! It's-a me: BOWSER!
(Prolonged drum solo and party poppers go off at this announcement)
Cope: It's never my day with these people…..
Jo: Bowser!? What the fffff-frek is this?!
Sylvia: How many trilogies has it been since you were here?
Bowser: Two, and that's just two-much time without any of ME!
Rick: Why are you here? Dad netted your a**.
Squishy: Yeah! ….I think it was me.
Bowser: Rick? That you, pal? Pff. You got lame real quick, man, hanging with these squares. I was sorta cool with you being the band leader and all, but you just had to get an ego and force that name on us without our approval. Me and Al were totally gonna dump you after the show, but the midget had to chuck us out of your dimension.
Rick: Good riddance. Queen cover bands are way overrated.
Bowser: WHAAAAT?! Even I bow before the Queen! That just proves you never had the heart for rock, which would totally have justified our mutiny... if it had actually happened, that is.
Squishy: Yeeeeeeeah, I have to side with him on this one, son. That's straight blasphemy you just uttered.
Rick: Seriously?
Anna: Will you all just shut up about the 7th trilogy already? If you're gonna do fluff can it at least have some present relevance to it?
Bowser: I was getting to that! God-d**n, impatient cow.
Anna: What was that you chubby Gamera knock-off I'll fricassee you I swear on me mum!
Squishy: Why are you here?
Bowser: Heheh, glad you finally asked. You recall how I used to be half machine?
Sara: Oh yeah; I noticed you looked different. I just thought you lost weight.
Bowser: I'm at the prime weight for my size, thank you very much. Anyway, this happened shortly after you sent me back home. I was just sitting around my castle thinking up contrived plans as usual when this wall of light hit me in the face outta nowhere. When I came to I found myself back to my former odious glory. (Strikes pose and there's camera flashes) After that I decided to skip around the outdoors to try out my new legs. While I was frolicking, er, rampaging, I came across this red thing on the ground. I ate it because I thought it looked like candy, but it turned out to be a crystal of some kind. Yet it was edible, and it tasted good!
After swallowing it, this weird portal popped up in front of me. I was gonna go get a goomba to go through it, but I got pulled in instead. After a quick 70's style acid excursion I found myself here in your galaxy once again.
Squishy: Unbelievable… Why can't my candy take me to magical places instead of making me super hyper?
(Anna shakes her head)
Bowser: To make a long story short, I came to learn some strange but interesting things about myself.
Will: You're gay?
Bowser: NO! But that would be interesting if that were so. Anyway, I find out that that red rock that I ate was something called Dragonite, and every time I ate more, I become more powerful. Check it.
(He goes over to the boulder. He pulls back a fist and rams it deep into the boulder. He pulls it back out, holding a great pile of the shiny red crystal)
Bowser: This is my favorite part.
(He opens his gullet and shoves the crystals in, crunching them up without pause)
Jo: Holy crap look at him go!
Anna: Is this supposed to impress us or what?
Scientist: I'm mighty impressed.
(Girlish giggle. Bowser finishes his gorging, and with some internal burbling he lets off a mild glow. When it ceases we see that Bowser has become paler)
Bowser: The only drawback is that I get as white as a Boo, but who needs brilliant skin tones when you have all this strength flowing through your veins? Also, I got to grow THESE!
(He tightens and strains himself. Suddenly his puny tail extends into a long, meaty protrusion and from his shoulders two white wings unfurl, making him look like a dragon)
Cope: Okay…. Now I'm impressed.
Bowser: Yeah-heh, you bet your twig bod you're impressed! With these righteous additions I felt it was time your galaxy had a new enema. And as I eat more Dragonite, I'll only become more of a formidable medical procedure to be reckoned with.
Stan: Not unless we stop you first!
Bowser: What, you think you can stop me? You barely have more meat on ya then beanpole there.
Rick: That can be adjusted with some ten lightsabers to the face.
Bowser: Ha, that got your attention, Ricky boy? Guess I'll get to smash you into your place at long last while I bust up your dinky galaxy!
Sylvia: Hey! Don't go forgetting us you meathead!
Squishy: Especially since we're the ones that dumped you into lava in the first place!
Bowser: Oh, right. Well how bout this: I'll take the whole lot of you down!
Anna: Bring it on, pincushion!
(The Jedi leap at Bowser with sabers drawn, but he deftly floats away with his wings. He dodges swipes from Cope, Rick and Jo, giving claw slashes and swipes of his giant tail in return. After clearing some space, he takes a deep breath and bellows a great blaze that covers the entire cave in burning flame, forcing the Jedi to hit the dirt to avoid the heat)
Will: Great balls of fire!
Bowser: Heh! Even my breath has got an added kick to it!
(The struggle continues a bit longer, with Bowser fending off Anna before Sally leaps in and kicks his head, knocking him against the Dragonite boulder)
Sally: We're too good for you, chump! Even with your fancy wings.
Bowser: For now you might be. (Grabs the boulder) Guess I'll just have to eat on the go. Later suckers!
(With a great flap of his wings he blasts up and through the cave ceiling along with the boulder. After the dust clears there's a great hole where Bowser fled and nothing more)
Jo: Uhh, seems like we have a problem, everyone.
Squishy: No kidding. Since when did Bowser get so bad-a**?
Cope: Bowser's not the one that's bad-a**: It's whatever's in that Dragonite.
Rick: And he's only going to get stronger by eating more of it.
Will: Which that boulder had lots of.
Sara: So what do we do?
Cope: Go after him, obviously.
Sally: Oooh, this could be our next installment: The latest threat to the galaxy which we must vanquish.
Cope: We shouldn't be gleeful about that, Sal—
Jo: Of course! We've been sitting idle for too long and it's time for some frickin' action!
Will: The rut's finally over!
Anna: It's turtle season, boys and girls!
Squishy: To the Century Sparrow!
Cope: Huh? Why that piece of crap? Can't we just take our other ships?
Sylvia: Well using one ship means less hassle, and it's more or less been our Mystery Machine this whole series.
Jo: And it's always a comfort going with tradition after so long, so let's move!
(They dash out of the cave toward the ship)
Sally: Any idea where we should look for him?
Rick: He's going for Dragonite, so wherever there's Dragonite he's bound to show up.
Squishy: Ah! The ol' galaxy-trotting hunt scenario. Very adventurous.
Cope: And incredibly tedious if we don't know where to start looking among the hundreds of places Dragonite is found.
Sara: Ooh! I might know one: I heard about it while watching the shopping channel.
Will: You talking jewelry, dear?
Sara: Not exactly. Let's just fly off here.
(They make it onto the Century Sparrow)
Jo: Alright people this is gonna get hot! Crank up the stereo while we listen to the radio and Sara tells us some coordinates.
Sara: Okay, we need to head to—
We interrupt this story line for a Holo-Channel 6 exclusive:
Live from beautiful Palette Sky Boulevard in Coruscant!
(Switch to the great city planet where there's a mass gathering atop some walkways as though it were the Academy Awards. There's flashing lights, red carpets, fancy dresses, cheesy orchestrated music and loads of clamoring masses. We turn to a man in a blue tux holding a mic and looking swank as well as professional)
Reporter: Good evening, everybody! Chip Dawkins here at the biggest event of the season, for tonight will be the unveiling of the latest masterpiece from famed artist-slash-recluse extraordinaire: Rodrick Kumstantinople the Exasperated. The air's buzzing with anticipation and excitement as art fanatics and casual conformists alike have come in droves to see this momentous occasion. What makes this event so different from just about every other unveiling is beyond me, but my Reporter Sense is acting up and it's never been wrong… except with my marriage. I simply had too much personal insecurity to steer that trainwreck. And it looks like something's about to finally happen. Let's take a look.
(Turn to some hunched bearded man next to a tall object covered in a red tarp)
Rodrick: Familiars and followers, I give you: (Pulls away tarp) Rapture!
(We behold a large sculpture of an indescribable shape made of pure crimson stone. This causes the crowds to go wild)
Chip: Wow: That's quite the shiny statue-thingy. Too bad I can't look past its contorted ugly exterior, otherwise I might have found a false enlightenment which everyone else here must be feeling right now. (Turns to look at camera) Anyways, the cue cards tell me that that sculpture is made entirely from pure Dragonite. For those of you who have been under a rock the past few months or are test subjects for the government's latest memory inhibitors, Dragonite is a type of rock that has been crashing onto planets all around the galaxy from a distant nebula. Being so "mysterious" and "pretty", people have taken to both studying it and squandering it on decadent art trends. The latest one of these has taken the cosmopolitan scene of Coruscant by storm as of late, with fashion, architecture and even food accommodating this wild popularity of some fancy space rock. Personally, I don't get what makes this one so special from all the rest. Other space rocks have quantifiable properties to them, but what do I know? I work on holovision. Speaking of, many hip celebrities have come to the unveiling and—
(As he's talking, we see in the background the malformed Bowser burst from the crowd and go for the statue. He starts tearing chunks of it out and eating it, making him more muscular and white. Rodrick tries to stop him, but Bowser snatches him and eats him as well. Then the Jedi bust onto the scene to face Bowser. A struggle ensues with Bowser still tearing bits from the statue. There is screaming everywhere and all the while Chip keeps talking until)
Chip: God d***it Marv what is all that noi— (Turns around) Oh s**t, it's the Lizard King! It appears my coke-addled dreams meant something. I have foreseen the Apocalypse and I shall be an honorary Horseman of it! Who's the psychotic now, Lois?
(Bowser leaps up and snatches him in his jaws, shaking him about like a bone)
Chip: This just in: I was horribly mistaken! This is NOT the Harbinger of Doom I had long fantasized about. I surely called it wrong big this time! Sweet balls of mercy my SPLEEN! EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVEEEEEEE!
(The scene freezes and the screen shrinks down to reveal a man at a news table holding some papers)
Anchor: That was the scene on Coruscant from several hours ago: A massacre that took a heavy toll on both lives and art. Not long after this attack, several similar incidents have been reported from around the galaxy, all of them concerning the "eating" of large quantities of Dragonite through excessive violence. Reports have confirmed the culprit as being Bowser of the Mushroom Kingdom, who is currently being pursued by the renowned Jedi. Yet despite their dogged Light-Sided determination, approximately fifty attacks have been carried out based on eyewitness accounts. To help provide further insight on this troubling topic of escalating, rapidfire danger, we now turn to Counter Blow with our station's head realist and critic: John Blubsoe.
(Switch to a dark studio which lights up to reveal a fat man with glasses sitting in a small chair and wearing clothes that'd Roger Ebert would approve)
John: Greetings Anchor McAnchorsen. I'm John with Counter Blow.
Anchor: Good to have you with us again, John. Now John, you're fully aware of this current crisis, am I correct?
John: I am fully aware, yet I have to disagree with you: This is nothing worthy of the title "crisis".
Anchor: What makes you say that?
John: Just think about it: This galaxy has been taken over by nerds twice, there was the infighting with the allied nerds, and lest it not be forgotten that time all of us were killed by the Financer.
Anchor: Ah yes: Tril8Ep2. Never forget.
John: Though you appeared to have.
Anchor: No I didn't. Now if this situation isn't a crisis, what is it?
John: I call it a nuisance, quite frankly. All that's really going on is that an overgrown turtle is going around the galaxy eating rocks. I see no cause for concern.
Anchor: Are you so sure about that? There has been extensive destruction and a growing death count.
John: All sensationalized to make for a more gripping story. Besides, everyone that's died so far are either nameless nobodies or were meant to be killed off after a brief appearance.
Anchor: What do you mean?
John: The Contractor is our creator, correct? That means he decides who lives and who dies, and he has made those people solely to die shortly after being brought to our attention.
Anchor: How can you say that? All those people had rich, fulfilling lives.
John: Oh please, Anchor, they were extras. Take Chip Dawkins for example.
Anchor: But I've known Chip for years! He was a good friend!
John: That's only because the Contractor wrote you having known him for so long. See, he's even writing out my very words. Can someone get a camera on the writing instrument?
(We get a shot of a set of massive keyboard keys being pressed by equally massive and hairy fingers, which brings about dramatic sting music)
Anchor: (Freaked out) My God: The Digits!
(Dives beneath desk, throwing up the papers)
John: So there you have it. While I'm on the subject of divine scheduling I'd like to say how inconsistent the Contractor is. His supposed "balance" of the universe is completely erratic, random and totally amateur. He besets us with the most childish of threats and whenever he makes an actual appearance his schemes lack cohesion. While I give him credit for creating us in the first place, I will still have to dock him in his organizational skills. Basically, "master", your writing sucks. (A giant delete key floats down, but John pushes it away) Uh uh uhh, there will be none of that. Now for the part of the show where people come on the set and foolishly attempt to denounce my wisdom. Our first guest is a reputable, if controversial, hard-a** of science: Mr. Yathers.
(Show tall bearded guy)
Yather: You're a snot-nosed brat that's wat ye are!
John: Thank you, Yathers. Our next guest is of the more religious discipline: Father Moore. Now Father, what insignificant babble have you to shill?
(Show man in white robes, short sandy hair and with somewhat crooked teeth)
Moore: John, I am here to say that the light of the Contractor shines upon us all. He has vowed to be good to all living things, and we his subjects should follow his example and be good to one another.
John: So you're saying we should follow the ways of someone who declared war on the entire Republic and has displayed consistent hostility and contempt towards us in the past.
Moore: I acknowledge those facts, but those times are over. The Contractor of today is a loving, compassionate one.
John: Then how bout that incident between General Chris and a robot monkey I keep hearing about?
Moore: The Contractor had no part in it. Chris did it of his own volition.
John: Clearly you haven't been, or don't want to listen. The Contractor dictates what sort of personalities we have, and by that reasoning we can infer that he is a sick b****rd who gets off to mating lizards with midgets and making gingers sodomize cyborg simians, and no chipmunk is going to make me think different.
Moore: What?
John: Nothing Alvin; just be on your merry old way. Now, in a pitiful attempt to turn me to the light, here's Dr. Phil.
(The balding Southerner appears)
Phil: Hello, John. How are you feeling right now?
John: Fairly confounded over how exactly you came to this plane of existence.
Phil: That's super. Now John, why do you say all these mean things to people?
John: I seek to improve them. You know the saying "no pain, no gain", right? Well if people can survive my barrage of harsh criticisms and hard truths, then they become better thinkers who withstand even further biting insults that pour from my mouth.
Phil: That isn't the truth, is it John? You say these things just to make people suffer.
John: I can't argue with that. It's just so satisfying to take advantage of people's ignorance and gullibility.
Phil: But that's just wrong, John. What you're doing hurts people when they don't deserve it. It's as if you're punishing others for the insecurities you yourself cannot confront head-on.
John: Pffft! Someone like yourself preaching to me about insecurities: That's a laugh!
Phil: What-ever do you mean?
John: It's so obvious: You're riddled with insecurities. Have a skeleton in the closet or two you'd like to air out?
Phil: I have nothing to disclose.
John: Oh yeah? Then how do you explain This?!
(Whips out a large slice of New York-style pizza to dramatic sting music)
Phil: (Gasp!) How did you ev-ah get into my yum-yum sack?
John: Time to cut the act, Phil. For years you're been the southern belle of daytime television, but why do you do it? That is not who you are. You're only hurting yourself. It's time to open up; be free; be yourself. Don't you think it's about time to start taking your own advice?
(After some hesitation)
Phil: (In Brooklyn accent) Ahh, you're right! I've been so ashamed of my upbringing, but no more! From now on I'll be the taxi driver I was destined to be, and abandon the media spotlight indefinitely!
(Puts on taxi cap and runs off. John chuckles)
John: Manipulating emotions to ruin others is so fun. (Gobbles pizza slice) Now for the least favorite part of the show: Taking calls from viewers. Caller 1, you're on.
Girl Caller: Hi Mr. John. My name is Susan, and I'm six years old. Christmas is almost here but I don't know what to get. Because you're so smart, do you know what I can ask from Santa?
John: Though I appreciate you calling me smart, I have to burst that little bubble of yours. You see little Susan, Santa Claus is a myth; legend; lie. He's just something made up to keep you full of hope when there really isn't any, because at heart all parents love leading their children through a lovely field of lies, much like the ones that brought them together in the first place.
Susan: What?
John: Okay, different approach: You wanna see a magic trick? (Puts a closed envelope to his head) Dead dog. Pending divorce. Brain damage. (Opens envelope and holds letter) Reasons why you are willing to believe in Santa Claus. All these things are taking place and you're stupid enough to believe the farce your parents weave.
Susan: Scruffles is dead!? Noooo! (Hangs up)
John: Right. Next caller.
Caller: Uh, yeah, why are you so fat?
John: I don't quite recall, but why are you so frilly?
Caller: I just feel slim in pink! (Hangs up)
John: Next victim.
Caller: You listen here! I'm standing on the edge of a bridge with a gun to my head, a noose on my neck and 300 milligrams of Levitra ready to gulp! I'm so freakin' sick of everything that's going on! Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill myself right now!
John: Another one? Why do I keep getting these calls? Look sir, you're the eighth suicidalist to get the wrong number this week, so get off the line and quit wasting my time. The galaxy doesn't need impotents like you filling the air with your sob stories. "Oh, look at me, I can't take rejection, my mother died, I got fired, I have cancer, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!"
Caller: I'm not impotent! (Jump noise) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
(Bang, snap, boing! Dial tone)
John: And that'll do for calls. Now bring out the effigies of things both pure and innocent that I may stab and torch with relish.
Anchor: There will be no rituals today, John!
(Climbs back into view)
John: Ah, you finally rejoin us.
Anchor: Your reign of insensitivity and verbal abuse has gone on too long! I shall put you down with your greatest adversary! (Pulls out walkie-talkie) Send him in!
(In John's studio, a wall blows out, and stepping through the rubble comes... Dennis Miller!)
John: YOU!
Dennis: Hello my little narcissistic pissant. I'm gonna show you what it really means to be an opiate of social satire and criticism.
(Grabs John and hefts him onto his shoulders)
John: (Struggling) Wait, you can't do this! Don' let him take me! His beard talks! He says big words for no good reason!
Dennis: Quit resisting; you're only gonna make this more justifiably, morbidly enriching for me.
John: (Freaked) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—HO HO OHH!
(Dennis walks off with his captive. Back in the newsroom, Anchor re-composes himself, grabs his papers and sits calmly)
Anchor: We now return to our main program, already in progress.
(The Century Sparrow speeds through starry space. Onboard)
Jo: We've just about chased Bowser to every corner of the galaxy.
Stan: And what an adventure it has been.
Squishy: But now we've got him. There's nowhere else for him to run.
(Out in space we see Bowser flying through the void, sporting massive wings, a longer tail and a very bleached complexion. He comes to a stop and hovers around to see the Sparrow coming at him. At his back is a great red nebula in the shape of a reptilian claw)
Will: We gotcha now, punk.
(Back in space)
Bowser: They're still on my a**? Sheesh, they just can't get it through their heads that I'm never gonna give up. Oh well. Since I've eaten enough Dragonite, I guess it's time to show them how real a deal I really am. (Turns around) And if those voices are right. (Throws up arms, then loudly shouts) Oh great nebula, hear my words! Tear yourself asunder and let flow your arcane energies! Give me power and free my Brothers so that they may settle this new home! Obey my Commands!
(Suddenly a red, harsh aura forms around him, becoming more wavy and fierce. On the ship)
Sally: What's the deal with Bowser?
Sylvia: He must be readying an attack of some sort.
Cope: Uh, guys, either it's me or that nebula is doing something.
Jo: What?
(Behind the glowing Bowser the nebula shows activity. The outer segments start collapsing inward and coalesce into an amorphous ball of gas that begins glowing and expanding. Then it goes off in a huge cosmic explosion, and bursting from the epicenter comes…. comes… Holy F**k it's f**kin' DRAGONS!)
Rick: What The F**k!?
Jo: Oh Sheeee-***!
(To FFVI's "Metamorphosis" we witness thousands upon thousands upon endless streams of dragons flow out in all directions, roaring and blotting out the stars. Bowser is swallowed by the outflow of avaricious reptiles as they head for the Sparrow)
Will: AH DIP they're coming right for us!
Sylvia: Get us outta here, Squishy!
Cope: NOW!
(Squishy snatches the throttle and yanks hard. Outside, the ship does a 180 and shoots off with the dragons nipping at its exhaust ports. Then a large dragon pops up and bites the screen, cutting off audio and visuals)
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