The Other Side

(Of the Issue)

The Galaxy's number one Holo-Station…

(Wondrous)

The most reliable news coverage…

(Superb)

A dedicated news team…

(Courteous)

The only news station affordable to the Republic…

(Government's cheap)

Your one place for up-to-date information…

(It is inevitable)

This…. Is….

Holo-Channel 6

with Dick Hamalon

(Switch to an anchorman at a desk to broadcast music)

Dick: Greetings. This is Dick Hamalon. Today's top story: Dragons! That's right: those giant fabled lizards with wings and the terrible halitosis have invaded our great galaxy in ludicrous numbers. Just about every dragon imaginable is here: European, Chinese, bed-time, cartoon, video game, and even the kind that occasionally comes to your home spewing fire wherever it goes, or in-laws as I call them. Ha, ha, ha, hee heh ha ha Ho HO HAHAHAHAHAHA HOO HA HA HEEEE! (Spins around in chair and falls to floor. Gets back up hurriedly)

Dick: Just so you know, ladies, I'm still very much single. Anyway, this devastating influx of dragons has given the galaxy cause for concern over its very future. For further insight on this distress we turn to our field correspondent Tom Dodders, live from Nar Shaddaa.

(Switch to a reporter standing before wreckage, fire, bodies and blood, shaking his head and screaming wildly)

Tom: (Bloodcurdling scream)

Dick: Thank you, Tom. We now switch to Stacey Simpkins, currently stationed on Kamino.

(Show a woman covered in blood holding a maimed person, crying out against the rain)

Stacey: (Screaming and moaning unanswered prayers)

Dick: Thank you, Stacey. Now for Spicy Raoul's thought in these matters. Raoul?

(Show a Latino man being chewed up by a large dragon)

(Really fast) Raoul: POR QUÉ DIO, POR QUÉ?! Este fue mi dia LIBREEEEE!

Dick: Nobody likes a whiner, Raoul. (To camera) Obviously things are looking very bleak, so for our Human Interest Piece we turn to Corellia's Annual Freighter Joe's Beauty Pageant to lighten the mood, with celebrity guest commentator Alicia Keys already on site. How's the competition looking there, Alicia?

(Turn to convention center where a large red dragon is rampaging about the place, spouting streams of flame over people and fixtures alike. Alicia Keys is off to the side screaming in song as we're shown the contestants being set ablaze)

Alicia Keys: This, girl is on FI-YAAAAAAHH!

This, girl is on FI-YAAAAAAHH!

She's, walking on FI-YAAAAAHH!

This, girl is on FI-YAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Dick: Tragically up-tempo, I see. I wish all the contestants best of luck. (To audience) With that being a bust, now's as good a time as any to check in on our studio's avatar of fabulosity: William Culluhullum, reporting live from Umgul. Will, are still fit to do your job?

(Turn to a well-dressed man with sandy hair, rugged face hair and a feminine voice)

William: Hi Dick! I'm super here and ready to report.

Dick: First bit of goods news I heard all day. Now Will, since my mind's still a little foggy from all those jello shooters, could you fill us in on what's been going on?

William: It'd be my pleasure. So the incident started yesterday when the Dragon Claw Nebula ruptured, expelling thousands of dragons and creating a whole new planet in its wake, according to Jedi reports. Also mentioned in the reports was the person responsible for this phenomenon was Bowser, the main villain of the Mushroom Kingdom. Apparently, he's also the one that's been stealing Dragonite around the galaxy these past few days.

Dick: Uh-huuh. That is a lot of information that doesn't really concern my immediate self. Can you at least tell us how things are down there on Umgul, Will? Your other correspondents are either incapacitated or dead to me for bringing the wrong hors d'oeuvres to my birthday party. By the way, that margarita you made was simply divine.

William: Why thanks, Dick. My secret is loads of tequila. Anyway, things on Umgul are just fine. There have been some dragon flybys but nothing serious. Maybe that's one advantage to being a far-off planet with friendly people everywhere.

(A muscle-headed Jock wearing a shirt with the word "Taylor" on it comes into the background)

Taylor: Yo Will you suck! Kiss my white a**!

(Turns around and moons William. A green dragon swoops down and bites off his buttocks)

Taylor: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! OH GOD! MY MAN-A**; MY SUPPLE, HAIRLESS POSTERIOR! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!? (Falls over)

William: Well… Mostly friendly people. Any who, I'm off for some retail therapy at Zack's so catch you later Dick. Ciao! (Gives girlish wave)

Dick: Ah Will… Not my kind of flamboyant, but a real snappy dresser and actor to boot. (To camera) With the appearance of these scaly new freeloaders, the lives of everyday folks are being affected. To understand how they are dealing with this, we've taken to the streets to get word directly from the Republic's life blood: The common citizen.

(Show news screen where a woman with freckles, pale skin and long ginger hair is interviewed)

Nicole: Of course these dragons are definitely a concern for me and my community. But I don't think our government should take immediate aggressive action. Not all dragons are outright violent, so we should take the time to meter the good from bad and keep things organized. And I trust other citizens will respond to this crisis in a calm, responsible, dignified manner.

(In the background a dragon flaps around and on its back is some guy with glasses)

Ted: Check it out, sis! This will surely get the ladies' attention!

Nicole: Ted what are you doing? You're afraid of heights!

Ted: Nonsense! The Rico isn't subject to—Oh God I'm Too High! HELP MEEE!

Nicole: (Sigh) Excuse me.

(Whips out a sword and runs off. Now we turn to a short lad with spiky blond hair, glasses, and wearing a Hawaiian shirt while looking a bit spaced out)

Travis: What do I got to say about the dragons? I say F**k those f**kers! F**k the lot of them! The dragons, the Krauts, every single one of them! They could all f**k the same mom for all I care; I don't give a f**k! F**k! And the reason I'm so pissed is because all this racket has ruined my nap! And I'm tired of everyone calling me black! I'm a f**kin' Cracker Jack ya mother-f**kers! F**k2!

(Switch to some male transvestite in tight black leather with slick black hair and glasses and heels and a purse)

Craig: I'm far too busy and important for your little interview, so amscray and let me run my d***n business.

Interviewer: But ma'am if you could just only—

Craig: Hey! I'm a mister for your information, and don't you for-get a-bout it-t.

(Goes into a seedy club. From outside we hear roaring and screams)

Craig: Hey you overgrown geckos, quit eating the clientele and get the—Oh Lard! Let go of my luscious thigh! Oh Gawd!

(Switch to a suave Latino man with a bronze tan and black hair lounging on a pool chair)

Ben: (Smoothly) Dragons? There is nothing to fear from such beasts, for you see I, the great Ben Cortiz, exude an aura of sauversity. I am smooth in every aspect of manliness and adored by all those who have even the most basic standards of beauty. If anything, the dragons would kneel before my whims. In fact, I'm having the urge to release my sexiness right here and now, so stand back if you wish to capture my virile image in perfect focus. Oh shake it babies!

(He tears off his pool robe and dances to "She Bangs" while wearing white shorts. Behind him curtains rise and we see a line of dragons dancing in step to Ben with flashing lights before we switch back to the news room. There, Dick is furiously groping and making out with a female intern who's got a leg wrapped around him. When he notices the camera he shoves the woman off-screen, where we hear crashing noises and a cat screech. Dick wipes his face quickly)

Dick: Man, I haven't seen weirdoes like that since my college days. Moving along, law enforcement of the highest echelons have been dispatched to suppress the dragon presence on all planets. Even the Ssi-Ruu homeworld of Lwhekk is under close scrutiny.

(Turn to a barren, rocky planet where several raptor-like creatures are walking about. Two human officers go up to one of them)

Officer: Excuse me, sir. We would like to ask you a few questions.

(The Ssi-Ruuk responds, but only in chirps and whistles)

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) Sir? I'm female, can't you tell?

Officer: Sir, have you seen any dragons in the vicinity as of late?

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) Dragons? There's no dragons here. And stop calling me sir!

Officer: Please cooperate and just answer the question.

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) Are you deaf? I told you I don't know anything!

(While the exchange continues, Huff the Magic Dragon scoots around in the background)

Officer: Look, singing to call for you chicks or mate or whatever is doing neither of us any good. So if you can just answer our question, sir, then we'll—

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) I'm not singing I'm talking, and what you just said there is sexist! I demand to speak to your superior!

Officer 2: Say, I think I detect a hint of a wing on this one.

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirp) What?!

Officer: Good observation, Wanson. I'm sorry sir, but we're going to have to perform a cavity search on you.

(Brings up an arm and stretches a medical glove over it)

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) Are you crazy?!

Officer: Just hold still and we'll leave your bits intact.

Ssi-Ruuk: (Chirps) I have nothing DOWN THERE!

(Pounces on officer so that they're off-screen, where we hear ripping and growling noises)

Officer: Resisting will only make it sting more—My Eyes! Not my EYES!

(Screen goes static. Back at news room, Dick shakes his head)

Dick: What a disgrace: Gross sexism among our men in blue. I feel obliged to inform you, my dear audience, that due to limited funding by our Republic, this day's report is nearly over. But before I sign off, I want to leave on one final note. With law enforcement bumbling around out there and our prized Jedi doing something, there lingers one question on this reporter's mind: How did this mousetrap get on my hand? (Holds up afflicted hand) But also, where is the Republic Army in all this? More importantly, where is the great General Chris: one of this Republic's most celebrated, venerated officers. Now more then ever do we need a strong, inspiring figure to shelter us from the encroaching darkness of uncertainty. So I ask: Where in the our esteemed Chris? (Slams down hands, where there's another snap) D***it. Seems there's another one.

(We now get a blue sky with two suns. The great red hairy face of Chris comes up and blots out the light for added dramatic effect)

Chris: Alright men! This galaxy is being wooed with danger, and the seductress' name is Dragon. It's up to us to save the people and take all the credit for once, so let's move out! (Pause)

Soldier: Uh, sir? We can't do that here.

Chris: And why the freak not?

(Pull back to reveal Chris and several soldiers standing in the middle of a vast dune sea)

Soldier: We're on Tatooine, sir. There hasn't been a single dragon sighting here, and I doubt there will ever be one.

Soldier 2: It's too d**n hot, sir!

Chris: Yes yes, you all make valid points. But it's always important to stay on your toes no matter where you are.

Soldier: But why here, sir? The mission dossier has all the dragon hot spots, and you got it on your belt right now.

Chris: We're here because we're defending history, son. Great rebellions were preserved on this rock, and I'll be d***ed if I'll see no more rebellions of righteousness occur here.

Soldier: What about that one rebellion whose sole purpose was to destroy all water on this planet?

Chris: They were mere cultists: All they wanted was a little attention. Once they got it, things quieted down quick.

Soldier 2: That's only after they suicide bombed those moisture farms.

Chris: They did our work for us, though. But that's the past. We have a mission here in the present, and our futures demand it to be followed through without question.

Soldier 3: What a loon.

Chris: Call me crazy, eh? Nothing's crazy when you put it all in perspective.

(He turns around to keep talking. As he does so, a huge krayt dragon appears and starts eating the soldiers. Despite the horrific screams Chris keeps talking)

Chris: Somewhere within those endless sands our quarry is waiting, hiding, plotting. They do not want us to learn of the doom muffins they're baking: The same dastardly brand of muffins that ruptured my intestines all those years ago. The doctors will tell ya that it was a violent allergic reaction, but I knew that someone was trying to take me out, and I finally understand it had been dragons all along, preparing a preemptive strike on their greatest threat. Though I eat muffins with a mechanical intestine nowadays, the culprits are finally in my sight. And once I get my hands on them, they'll be missing far more than intestines. I'm going for the whole shishkabibble. This will not only be our fight for the people, but one for my past self. To everyone's past selves! Are you with me, men!...Men?

(Turns around only to come face to face with a still hungry, growling krayt dragon)

Chris: Oh, hi there… Heh heh… I hope you didn't hear all that stuff about dragons plotting to kill me and how I was gonna mutilate them. Actually I just made up that last part.

(The dragon spits up a boot with a leg still in it)

Chris: Well, oh, you know something, I just remembered that I left my snowshoes back at the hanger. Be right back. Exit stage that-away! (Dashes off. The krayt dragon gives chase) YAAAAAAAAAA— (Runs offscreen followed by the beast. A while later he comes running back) AAAAAAAAAAAAA— (Runs out again, only to come back again) AAAAAAAAAA—

(He keeps doing this silly act. Pull back a good distance where Leonard Nimoy steps in with the chase happening behind him)

L. Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. People have always strived to make a name for themselves since time in memorial. Some, with considerably less effort than others. But there are also those who seek not dignified recognition, but rather one of repeated humiliation and crudeness. The fellow behind me is a prime example of one of these people. What is it that makes this man repeatedly make a fool of himself when he is capable of far better? Join me, as we investigate the anomaly of this one fictional human mind.

In search of….

Chris' Dignity