Steve Warz
Episode [Fire]:
Dragonfire Conquest
What? No soothingly-narrated documentary? Alright, fine. Back to resuming my day job. Huh-hum!
As discussed in that overly-long prologue, dragons by the bushel have descended upon our humble galaxy. Through the actions of an empowered Bowser, the Dragon Claw Nebula is no more. In its place are now thousands of dragons and, most incredible of all, a fully-developed planet. Scientist are of course intrigued by this event, but can't do anything about it due to all the dragon attacks. In fact, for almost a week everyone in the galaxy has been facing quite the hassle dealing with the new winged arrivals, including the Jedi.
Hopefully our heroes will find a way to fix this mess like they always do. You've read this series long enough, so the real question you should ask yourself is HOW it will be fixed. Will it be serious, funny, or both? Use what you already know and start predicting!
(Deep space, on the capital ship Home One. Walking through one of its corridors are the Jedi looking a tad ragged)
Jo: How did you guys do?
Squishy: Dantooine wasn't so bad. Warded off seven dragons, killed four.
Anna: Things were alright on Rodia until a dragon swallowed the slot machine I was at. I slaughtered it without mercy.
Stan: We did pretty well.
Rick: Only because I kept saving your sorry self.
Sally: But you have to admit he made a great distraction.
Stan: Ah come on I got at least one.
Sara: I'm starting to wonder if all this eradication is necessary. Some of those dragons look kinda cute.
Will: You didn't think so after they burned your new capris.
Sara: Yeah, I lost it a little then.
Sylvia: Maybe after our report the army can handle the rest.
Squishy: Yeah. Things should have quieted down some by now.
(Later we see the Jedi in a briefing room with other military personnel. At a desk sits our fishy Admiral Ackbar)
Ackbar: Now that the Jedi have given us their update, let's hear everyone else's progress.
Officer 1: (Storms up) It's a disaster, sir!
Cope: Huh?
Officer 2: We're getting annihilated out there!
Officer 3: The dragons exude a mysterious craftiness unlike any seen in this galaxy!
Officer 4: Every time we leave an assigned planet to resupply, there are just as many dragons as when we first arrived!
Officer 1: And there's the matter of supplies: our resources are running low and the dragon resistance isn't waning one bit!
Officer 3: What intel are you withholding, admiral? Are their numbers really that massive?
?: It's not that their numbers are massive.
(Show a large chair that swivels around to reveal Ackbar's head Mon Calamarian technical officer)
Tech. Off: They're simply getting reinforcements.
All: Hur?
Ackbar: Care to explain yourself?
Tech Off: The number of dragons that have been disposed of is considerable, so the issue isn't in fighting them. The true dilemma is that new dragons are still coming into the galaxy at an alarming rate.
Officer 2: Wait, more are still coming? From where?
Tech Off: Right here.
(Pushes a button on a remote and stands up. A hologram of a planet appears)
Tech Off: This is the planet that had appeared following the Dragon Claw Nebula's destruction. It has been designated "Draconia" for the time being, for obvious reasons.
Will: Obviously.
Tech. Off: Though a proper science expedition hadn't been sent due to the attacks, we were able to observe the planet for some time through orbiting surveillance droids. What we found was intriguing: The planet bears a livable atmosphere similar to Dantooine's, and on its surface there are actual thriving ecosystems, though it's mostly mountains, forests, and lakes. Another thing that we noticed was that every so often, dragons could be spotted flying away from the planet. The numbers range from loners to groups of up to ten.
Cope: So you believe this planet is where all these dragon reinforcements are coming from.
Tech. Off: Precisely.
Ackbar: This is certainly some vital new information, if it's indeed true. How long have you and your staff been observing these movements?
Tech: We sent the first drones as soon as we could, which was hours after the rupture, so our findings can be validated by several days' worth of observation.
Jo: So there's some dragon army on this new planet sending out more dragons, which means there could be a leader in the mix.
Rick: Which could warrant a full military response if need be.
Ackbar: That it does, Richter. (To tech) Have you looked into possible military operations?
Tech. Off: I had considered sending General Chris' unit to breach planetary defenses, but for some reason I cannot contact him.
Officer 3: You know, given the power of the dragons and their numbers, charging head first at their home base might not be the smartest move.
Ackbar: Hmmm, I would have to agree with you. The intelligence those beasts possess along with their innate strengths would make direct military combat a hassle. If there is a leadership structure overseeing the movement of these dragons, then a covert operation to eliminate it would work better. Therefore—
Anna: (Sigh) I can see where this is goin'.
Ackbar: I want you Jedi to head and carry out this operation.
Jo: Ha! Pay up, Stan!
(Stan hands him five bucks)
Sally: You honestly thought we weren't going to do this kind of thing, Stan?
Stan: I legitimately thought we would stay out of the bigger picture this time around.
Will: When you're the stars of the show, you don't stay out of the spotlight for long, bud.
Sylvia: So when do we start?
Tech. Off: Right away, if possible. Your primary goal will be to locate and eliminate any commanding entities if any exist, or at the very least find the stronghold the dragon reinforcements are coming from. As this mission is covert, I recommend you fly in on something no larger than a cargo ship.
Squishy: Woo-hoo! Century Sparrow rides again!
Cope: Someone should really buy a newer ship for these excursions.
Anna: I don't see you footing the bill, Alex.
Cope: Only because you keep gambling away our funds, woman!
Anna: Hey! It's only your personal funds being used. They're expendable.
Ackbar: While you are gone, Jedi, our forces will keep maintaining order throughout the Republic. And before you go, bear this in mind: These are dragons you are facing. Never before have we faced an enemy of such ferocity, both in mind and sheer physical prowess. Where you are headed there could be untold numbers of them waiting in the wings, with powers no one has ever seen. I should also warn you that there is the very good possibility you won't be able to come back here for whatever reason. Are you ready to commit to this mission?
(A window pops up with the options "Yes," "No," and "Time Warp." A cursor passes the options but stops on the last one with someone saying Hmmmm…. But the cursor goes back up and selects "Yes.")
Jo: A possible suicide mission? Of course we'll commit.
Will: Those types have always been our surest bets.
Ackbar: That's reassuring to know. Go rest up and get whatever supplies you need before you disembark.
Tech. Off: Take this coupon as well. It will grant you a 75% discount at the shops while you're here.
(A message pops up saying "You obtained Coupon!")
Stan: Sweet!
Jo: Okay gang: Let's go shopping!
Jedi: Yippee!
(They leave. A considerable time later, all the Jedi are onboard the Century Sparrow as it glides through space, the cockpit jangling with adventurer gear)
Anna: I can't believe they were out of Phoenix Downs.
Rick: And wyrm killers. Those might have been useful.
Jo: But 2,000 creds worth of grossly discounted goods should give us the upper hand for whatever's waiting down there.
Squishy: Heads up: We're approaching the planet.
(Outside we see the ship draw steadily closer to a large planet of mountains, forests and lakes)
Sally: There's no dragons on radar, Dad.
Will: Good. Must've caught them napping.
Squishy: Hon, take us down to that cloud bank so we can cover our descent.
Sylvia: On it.
(They get closer to the planet. The aforementioned cloud bank shows roiling activity)
Will: Looks like there's a storm a-brewin'.
Stan: Meteorological sensors aren't picking up any signs of rain.
Squishy: Strange… Increase speed.
Sylvia: Okay.
Cope: Why?
Squishy: I hate waiting.
(They get closer)
Stan: Guys, I think there's something in those clouds.
Jo: Nothing to worry about.
(An alarm goes off)
Rick: That seems to disagree with you.
Sally: Holy moley! The radar's going crazy!
Squishy: But there's nothing there, unless—!
(Before them the cloud dissipates to reveal a giant mass of flying dragons, making all the Jedi gasp)
Sam Jackson: There's mutha-f**kin' dragons in the mutha-f**kin' atmosphere!
Anna: Oi! It's a mutha-f**kin' Sam Jackson on the mutha-f**kin' ship!
(Everyone screams before they plunge headlong into the dragon cloud. The ship rumbles violently as dragons of all kinds whip around it in a flurry. Suddenly a great yellow dragon busts its head and neck through the ship's roof and grabs the top half of Sam Jackson in its jaws. The celebrity gives muffled wails and tries to break out)
Sam: Jackson: It's eating me! A mutha-f**kin' dragon is Eating Me!
(The dragon pulls out of the ship with its catch. The Jedi begin scrambling around the interior as more alarms go off)
Sally: Too many bogeys to count!
Stan: Why do we need this many proximity alarms? It's too loud!
Jo: Every stud for himself!
Cope: Get a grip, people! Sylvia, get us out of this mess pronto!
Sylvia: Already on it! (After some tilting) Okay. We're starting to stabilize and the dragons are thinning out.
JonTron: Praise Jee-sus!
Squishy: Alright. Get us to cruising speed and lets start looking for a point of interest. I'll handle the driving for now.
(Everyone relaxes a bit)
Will: That was pretty hairy for a sec.
Jo: Hoo, you bet. But like I said before, there's nothing to wor—
(A green dragon splatters across the front view ports, blotting it out with guts and gore)
Jedi: AAAAAAAHHH!
(Windshield wipers wipe across the mess but just makes it worse)
Sylvia: Squishy, you forgot to put in more wiper fluid!
Squishy: (Shakes fist) God-D**n Laziness!
(The ship shakes and alarms go off again)
Stan: The engine blew out! WE'RE GOING DOWN!
Rick: Now's a pretty good time to start worrying. Also, BRACE YOURSELVES!
(They all start screaming as we see the ship plummet in a sharp angle before all goes black and we hear an explosion)
So quiet, so empty…
Except, someone's here.
Orange hair, green clothes, pale skin.
Smiling at me.
Who is that?
Hey. You gotta go.
Urgent, but friendly.
Everyone is waiting for you. Things can't continue without you.
There's a sadness to it.
And, it's so weird...
You have to wake up.
It sounds tired and resigned.
But at the same time… so young.
Hey, are you listening?
Can you hear me?
SQUISHY!
Squishy: B-Bwuh?
(Awakens to find himself turned all about himself on the ruptured cockpit floor with sparks and smoke filling the air over him. The collision alarm is going off, and he can hear others coughing and moving about)
Sylvia: Squishy, are you alright?
Squishy: Y-yeah, just fine. Groggy, but fine.
Cope: Get your lazy butt moving before this whole thing goes up in flames or explodes.
Squishy: Right, yeah. Coming. (Begins to move)
(We see the wreckage of the Century Sparrow at the end of a box canyon. It is torn and bent beyond recognition, with smoke pouring out of it. Nearby, the Jedi stumble and crawl from the wreckage, catching their breath and putting some distance from the wreck)
Stan: (Crawling) Ugh… I can't feel my legs…
Cope: They're fine.
(Kicks him softly, making him wince. Sally comes over to help him up)
Jo: Good thing I landed on my hair or I would've been real messed up.
Will: You make an awesome safety cushion, Jo.
Sara: Yeah.
Jo: That was you holding onto my waist? Yikes.
Squishy: Ohhhhhhhh. My poor, precious Sparrow 2.0. Never to fly again, but, (sniff) it had a good run.
Rick: Pity it couldn't keep our supplies safe. So much waste.
Sylvia: At least we're still alive, honey. And that's most important.
Rick: Hm, that's right.
(Anna comes stomping over to Squishy)
Anna: Dude! You splattered a dragon!
Squishy: Yeah, it came out of nowhere. Those things move ridiculously fast.
Anna: You splattered a dragon.
Sally: Yes, and luckily we can still walk, unlike that thing.
Anna: You. Splattered. A. Freakin'. Dragon!
Squishy: Uhhhh, why are you so hung up about that? I'm telling you, it caught me by surprise. S**t happens.
Anna: You splattered a—!
Jo: Chill, Anna. Repetition isn't going to work with this one.
(Anna starts sulking)
Anna: But I wanted to splatter a dragon...
Sylvia: Any idea where we are, anyone?
(Will pulls out a BlackBerry)
Will: It appears we're in a canyon of some kind.
Sara: No duh.
Stan: Would be nice if mission objectives or directions were on there.
Will: Actually there are. We were supposed to make landfall about a mile outside a place of concentrated energy which, according to this, "could be a potential rallying point."
Rick: Does it say where we are right now in relation to the target?
Will: Let me check. (Pushes some buttons) Oooh. It says we're about 110 miles off-target.
Anna: 110 miles!?
Sally: That's a lot of walking.
Jo: It can't be so bad. That thing can give us directions to it, right?
Will: No: it's only a one-time plot device.
(The BlackBerry sprouts wings and flies off)
Anna: That's just great! We're lost, over a hundred miles from wherever we need to be, and our ship is trashed due to divine retribution over Squishy splattering a dragon INSTEAD OF ME!
Jedi: Get Over It Anna! SHEESH!
Rick: Besides, complaining isn't going to get the job done. Hoofing it is where it's at right now.
Jo: He's right. Pull yourselves together and let's move. We could make it out of this canyon before nightfall if we go now.
Sally: But the fire feels so warm.
Stan: Uh, Sal, there is no fire.
Cope: Sal's getting delusional already. Swell.
Jo: Even more reason to go. Come on.
(They all move out. After a bit they walk down a narrow path with tall rock walls on each side)
Squishy: It's starting to get tight in here.
Jo: That's what she—
Anna: Jo for the love of God you finish that sentence I'll rip your face off and use it to shine my boots cuz they need some serious cleaning right now!
Sylvia: Why are you so tense, Anna?
Anna: Because this whole dang thing is off to a crappy start, and it's way too dusty here.
Cope: She's just tired. It's been twenty minutes of straight, uneven walking, and this is usually her nap time.
Anna: I'm nowhere near old enough to get cranky!
Sara: You totally are.
Will: If we focus on moving instead of complaining we can be out of here and likely find a place to set camp.
Stan: That'd be good. My legs are starting to ache.
Rick: Baby.
Stan: Am not.
(There's a distant roar)
Jo: Great, now Anna's hungry as well.
Anna: What makes you assume that Jo, huh?!
Sylvia: Please guys, stop fighting.
(Another roar)
Squishy: There it goes again.
Anna: It's not my stomach if that's what you're getting at!
Stan: I'm getting a baaad feeling about this.
(Suddenly two large objects land before them with a great rumble. It's a pair of yellow dragons with big teeth and small wings. They look at the Jedi with hungry looks and begin approaching them)
Rick: You just had to say that.
Jo: Okay guys, don't panic. Just slowly move backwards and stay cool. (They slowly step back from the dragons, who follow just as slowly) Run for the ship!
(They do an about face, only for two more yellow dragons to drop down and block their escape)
Sara: Oh come on!
Sally: Heh heh heh heh, nice dragons…
Cope: Guess we're gonna have to fight our way out.
Anna: Good! Okay you scale bags, prepare to taste the full brunt of my frustra—!
?: I smell quuuuuuuary!
(Suddenly the two new dragons are tossed into the air and fly over the other two. Then there's a gray and orange blur as a hulking figure zips past the Jedi and rams back the other two dragons out of sight. "Protecting My Devotion" from Final Fantasy IX plays as we hear roarings, slashings and somebody greatly enjoying himself)
?: Ha ha ha! Is that the best you can do? Try harder! And you missed! Have some more of my steel! Oh man this never gets old! Ya ha!
(The Jedi listen to this with great curiosity. After a while the only thing that's heard are pained roars and severed flesh. The Jedi finally move forward and soon come upon the scene of the massacre. The canyon walls and floor are spattered with gory, crimson and yellow dragon bits. Standing amidst the carnage is a figure of great, broad stature wearing large dark gray armor. One of the person's arms is raised up, revealing an arm clad in a huge bracer, with a flaming blade sticking out of it. It retracts into the shield, and we also see the figure also has long blonde hair)
Will: Whoa… Messy.
?: Hur? Who said that?
(He turns around to reveal a shocking surprise: The figure has the face and horns of a dragon, with orange scales for skin)
Squishy: Yah! Another one!
Dragon Thing: What? Me? Another wha—Oh! You think I'm a dragon. Heh, I get that all the time. But let me assure you, I'm not one of those beasts at heart.
Anna: Then what are you and why the freak do you look like that and who said you could come in and steal our kills?
D. Thing: First off, the name's Gray. I also go by the title "Dragon Slayer". I hail from a little game called Atelier Iris 2. Ever heard of it? (They shake their heads) No? None of you? It's not surprising: Not too many people know about it. Anyways, secondly, I didn't see your names on these dragons. And thirdly, the reason I look like this is because… wait, hold on. (Spots Sally and gasps) Dragon!
(He brandishes his arm blades and rushes her)
Sally: Eeek!
(In a flash a lightsaber from Rick intercepts the attacking blade and holds it still)
Gray: Wha?
Rick: If you want to keep that arm, you better back up and never get this close to my sister ever again.
Gray: Your sister? Huh? (Notices Rick's claw hand) Bwah! What the heck!? (Disengages and backs up, looking shaken) W-what are you people?!
Jo: Calm down, Gray. We're Jedi.
Gray: What's a Jedi?
Squishy: Just think warriors with magic powers.
Gray: And they include dwarves like yourself?
Squishy: Thanks for saying that, but I'm actually a Jawa.
Sylvia: Who also happens to be my husband, bub.
Gray: (Mortified) YOUR HUSBAND?! W-W-W-W-WHAA?!
Anna: Enough with the yelling; I'm getting a migraine! You, Gray, whatever you are, finish answering our questions and we'll answer yours, capisce?
Gray: Uh, er, I don't know if I can trust you people.
Sara: Oh come on. Would somebody as cute as me want to bring you harm? (Gives a sweet smile)
Gray: Well… alright. I suppose we could talk for a bit. Now, the reason I look like a dragon is because of some kind of curse. You see, I'm not called "Dragon Slayer" for nothing. I spend every day of my existence slaying dragons wherever they are, as you could probably figure based on what I did here.
Will: We can see. That must've been some tussle.
Gray: Eh, it was nothing. As I was saying, I slayed so many dragons that at some point I took on the form of one. Pretty shocking at first, but I also got dragon powers too, so it balances out.
Jo: Uh-huh. Now, you said you were from some game. How'd you get here?
Gray: Pretty weird, really. I was just fighting dragons in Belkhyde like I always do when this portal thing opened up in the air. The dragons I was fighting got sucked up along with me, though no other nearby monsters got sucked in with us. When I came to, I found myself here in this canyon with dragons everywhere. For a while I thought I died and gone to heaven, but unless you happen to be dead yourselves, then I'm somewhere far from home. Umm, would you happen to know what this somewhere is, by any chance?
Anna: We certainly do.
Sylvia: But we should explain a few things first. You know, so you won't try attacking us again.
Gray: Yeah, you owe me some serious explanations, like what this whole sister-brother, husband-wife thing is about.
Squishy: We'll start from the beginning then. It'll take some time, so we'll have an expert condense it. Narrator?
And so they explained to the confused Gray as succinct an explanation as possible. They introduced themselves, explained their duties and achievements (as well as the nature of space travel), the Force, and finally the union of Squishy and Sylvia, whereupon—
(Gray is seen on the ground vomiting madly while the Jedi look on)
Gray: Ah man! What the h**l?!
Cope: That was our exact reaction to it.
Jo: It only gets worse: The lizard people you tried to slaughter are their kids.
Gray: Kids? Then that would suggest… Oh Gods!
(Continues to vomit more. After a while Gray stands back up)
Will: You okay, man?
Gray: Stay the h**l away from me! I'm getting out of here right now! It's more horrible than I could've imagined.
Sylvia: Mr. Gray, please calm down. It's not as depraved as it sounds.
Gray: You are sick twisted whatevers, and I say d*** your talk! I'm not going to associate myself with disgusting crossbreeds like yourselves!
Stan: Hey! We have feelings you jerk!
Sally: You're so mean!
Gray: I'm just telling it as it is! If anything, I'd be doing a saint's work by putting you abominations down right now! (Brandishes blades)
Rick: You want a fight ya b****rd? Then let's dance!
(Busts out saber, but Sara comes between them)
Sara: Boys boys boys! Can't we just quit the machismo and name-calling here?
Gray: Get out of the way; this is between me and the freak!
Rick: I'm gonna ram that tail of yours down your throat for calling me that!
Sylvia: ENOUGH! (Everything rumbles, making the two stop) Richter, put away that lightsaber. And Mr. Gray, I don't appreciate you being so hostile toward us, when we've been nothing but cordial to you and gave you the explanation you wanted.
Stan: Yeah!
Gray: B-But, you're… you're just…
Will: Look at it this way: Are these guys really so bad if they're a part of our crew of galactic peacekeepers?
Gray:...
Sally: Hey, Mr. Gray? I know I called you mean, but you're probably all stressed and wigged out from being in a strange place. I'd probably be freaking out too if I got dumped someplace where, ohh, rats and people lived together. But if you'll hear us out some more, then you'll see we're nothing to freak out about.
Cope: Plus it's ten to one in our favor, so it's your call.
Gray: …I've faced greater odds, but alright. Dragons usually attack on sight, so that's a point in your favor. And stubborn though I am, I am willing to listen. So, what do you have to say?
Thus Squishy, Sylvia, and their kids went into further detail about themselves, sharing their personal traits, backgrounds, and the many trials they faced that sought to tear them apart. They mentioned the schemes of the Contractor, the cruelties of the Financer, and even the lengths they had gone to in rescuing Squishy from the Accountant. All these tales softened the wary Gray, inevitably convincing him of the humanity these crossbreeds held. When the family finished telling their side of things...
Gray: Hrmm… You two really care for each other.
Sylvia: Absolutely. And no one, not even gods, can break us apart.
Squishy: We're just that devoted to one another.
Gray: Clearly. And as for you three, uh, guys. I suppose I was a massive hypocrite judging you by looks alone.
Sally: Told ya: We're like anyone else.
Rick: Save a few… quirks.
Gray: Mmhm. Listen, I want to apologize for calling you freaks and acting like I did. I'm normally more relaxed, but I haven't been with people for a long time and, as you put it, being in this place has put me on serious edge. I defaulted to slaying dragons as a way of getting a grip.
Anna: Eh, understandable. I used to engage in mass slaughters whenever I was feeling out of sorts. Back when I was more wild and free…
Cope: (Murmur) The "not wild" part is debatable.
Gray: With that said, can ya forgive me? I feel bad for how I behaved and I know better now, but I understand if you don't want anything to do with me after what I said and tried to do to you.
Stan: You seem calmed down enough, so I guess we could give you a break. How bout you, Rick?
Rick: Hmmm… You still acted like an a**-hole. Then again, I suppose everyone else was one when they first heard about Mom and Dad.
Sally: I say that's a yes on the forgiveness!
Jedi: Hooray!
Gray: I much appreciate it. How bout we start over and try being buddies, if you're cool with that.
Will: Sure thing. I can respect a man who can heft around weapons as cool as those.
Sara: It's good finding someone friendly so soon after arriving here, as well.
Squishy: Despite a rough start.
Jo: So basically, you're cool with us.
(Victory music plays)
Gray: That's great to hear. Anyway, I guess I'll be off and out of your way. Safe travels, friends.
Sally: Why do you want to leave? We've barely had time to get to know each other… or rather, we barely got to know you.
Gray: Well, it's just, things started off a all awkward and I don't wanna, um, make it worse?
Squishy: It's all fine, forgive and forget. We wouldn't mind you coming with us. You've been looking for a way out of this canyon, right?
Gray: Actually, I've been too busy killing dragons to think about getting back home. Hurr, that's actually a serious concern.
Cope: Well there's nothing back the way we came except a smoldering, busted spaceship.
Jo: How about this, Gray: you come tag along, provide some added help, and that way you got some company to keep you from going stir crazy again, as well to further make amends to us. We might even be able to help you get back home as a bonus.
Gray: I don't know…
Will: You know, where we're going, there's bound to be hordes of increasingly difficult dragons.
Gray: What? Tougher dragons? Why hadn't I considered that? Okay I'm in!
Anna: Coolies.
Gray: It's been a while since I got to go trekking with a group, anyway. Nothing like exploring with fellow adventurers, you know.
Jo: It just so happens there'll be lots of trekking on this venture, so you're in luck.
Gray: Awesome.
Cope: We're steadily losing daylight. Can we get moving again?
Jo: Sure, Alex. Let's get back to it.
(The Jedi and Gray leave the area. After some walking they reach a large, rock-laden, open area)
Gray: Huh, this is strange.
Sara: What is it?
Gray: There's usually one or more dragons around this place at any given time. I know this because this is one of my cool-down slaughter spots.
Cope: "Cool-down" slaughter spot?
Gray: And what's even stranger is that the bone pile I've made is gone as well.
?: So you're the slob that left that mess!
(The group looks around right as large pillars of flame pop out of the ground around them. The columns sprout along several lines that go toward an elevated rock, upon which in a great fiery burst a tall figure busts onto the scene. Standing atop the rock before the Jedi is a dragon robot/android of red and white and wearing a necklace of large beads)
Thing: God I love making an entrance!
Sally: Who the...?
Thing: Witness before you the hottest Reploid in all existence! (Poses) The leanest of machines! The sizzling sentinel! The captivating cyborg! The sex bomb of automatons! I'm talkin' about the original, poser-free D-unit that is me: Magma Dragoon!
(Strikes another pose, causing fountains of sparklers to shoot from his sides)
Cope: Wait a minute. You're from Mega Man X4!
Magma: Correct-a-mundo, toothpick. The most memorable boss from that game, with the wits and savvy to stay many steps ahead of my quarry.
Squishy: You know, I can't recall ever seeing you back on Mon Calamari during that conflict.
Magma: That's cuz I stayed behind. While Sigma went on with the other suckers for false glory, I remained in our world to take all the notoriety where it's at. Besides, there's no better way to earn rep points than to be the last major baddie standing.
Rick: Hmph. Sounds more like cowardice to me.
Magma: Say what you want, Mr. Try-To-Be-Serious-With-A-Cloak-And-Is-Totally-Jealous-Of-Me.
Will: If it was so good back home, why are you here raising all this noise and pyrotechnics?
Magma: Because I can. Along with my repertoire of kung-fu, I also have ninja powers. I can teleport anywhere, anytime: All the better to trip up my foes! (Group looks unconvinced) All right, I didn't come here of my own free will, but I still have ninja powers!
Sara: Then how did you get here?
Magma: Geez Louise you skin bags ask too many d**n questions! It's all answer this and explain that and all that crap; why can't you just be in awe of my magnificence! Well if you must know I don't fully recall how I got here. I was just about to face X in my volcano lair when zap!, I end up here, with all these dragons! Sure, they were moderately challenging, but flesh of any kind doesn't cut it. To save you the trouble of asking another dumb question, killing dragons gets dull quick and I'm attacking you because I demand variety! You're all fleshy, but you're people, and people have brains, brains equals thinking, which makes you tenacious and therefore more fun to hunt. It takes cunning and skill to slaughter the likes of humans, so you guys have been chosen for my amusement. There. Any MORE questions?
Anna: Just one: Are you usually this whiny a b***h where you're from?
Magma: Why you..! That's enough questions! I'm giving you punks two minutes to find a good hiding spot before I waste you right here and now!
Gray: Hold on. You said you've been killing dragons. That makes ya a dragon slayer, correct?
Magma: Hey now what the freak izzat?! Some kind of cosplayer? Oh, I see. Haven't even been here a week and already posers are lining up to take my throne. Well tough, big guy, because reinforced bio-steel trumps biomatter every time, son!
Gray: Hey, I'm no poser. If anything, you're the one muscling in on my turf.
Magma: Watcha gonna do about it, gramps? Wag a finger and try to rattle off some dusty threats with your over-sized fool mouth?
Gray: I was thinking we just fight to decide which of us is the real slayer here.
Magma:...You're serious?
Gray: Dead serious. (Brandishes arm blades) Because I'm a good "old" sport, I'll let you land the first blow. You better make it count, because I won't hold back after—
(In a flash Magma zips up to Gray and starts wailing on him Street Fighter-style. He finishes this quick pounding with a flying dragon punch, followed by a knock-off fire Hadouken. This sends Gray flying to the other end of the clearing, where he blasts deep into the rock wall. Magma leaps back to his previous spot atop the rock)
Magma: I hate it when people talk cheap like that, y'know.
Sally: Hey! No one goes beating up our new friend like that!
(Whips out saber, followed by the others)
Magma: Huh-wha? Lightsabers? Then that means… YOU'RE JEDI?! YAA! You scrapped my robo-homies with those things! Of all the people I didn't want to face it just had to be you guys!
Anna: Not so tough and cocky now, are ya?
Rick: Seems you're the one talking cheap.
Sally: Burn!
Magma: Grr, I admit I'm no match against all of you. But it's in times like these I keep some insurance on hand. Namely, this hostage!
(Reaches back and in one hand he holds a dangling… Samuel Jackson? Huh?)
Squishy: What the heck?
Sam Jackson: What did I tell your punk a** about yanking my collar? Put me back down!
Magma: You Jedi are do-gooders, right? If you don't want to see this civilian get fried, throw away your lightsabers and back up nice and slow.
Sam Jackson: (Calmly) I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen: Either put me the h*** down, or I'm gonna choke a b***h.
Magma: Shut up! Bargaining chips don't talk.
Sam Jackson: (Chuckles) You really don't know who you're trying to f*** with, do ya, kid?
Magma: Kid?!
?: Put that A-list celebrity down.
(Everyone turns in the direction of the voice. Standing not far from the scene is a man decked in tunic and leather, a small cloak slung over his shoulders. He's of semi-grand girth and height with a round, shaven chin, brown eyes, and short hair that shimmers brown and blonde at certain angles)
Cope: Who's that?
Man: Many things: Friend, foe, musician, drunk friend, drunk foe, drunk musician, you get the idea. It all depends on what's a-happenin', really.
Sylvia: What's with the hair?
Man: It's like this because I'm Irish.
(Gasps from Jedi)
Squishy: An Irelander...
Will: I thought they were extinct.
Magma: Irish? Ha! Sucks to be you!
Man: You got a problem with the divine emerald?
Magma: Nothing, except where I come from your place is a cesspool of robotic erotica. Oh the things they do there.
Man: So? I can see no wrong. Men have the right to stick their things in whatever they find pleasurable, and women too I suppose. It's all good in my book.
Magma: What, you gay or sumthin'?
Man: Sometimes. Wanna hook up, find someplace quiet? I never had robot dragon before.
Magma: H**l no! F**k you!
Man: Gladly. Actually, I'm afraid I'll have to rescind my offer. You got a movie star in your grip and he's a particular friend of mine.
Magma: Like a lover?
Sam Jackson: Oh H****** no! I don't even know who that guy is.
Man: Don't get the wrong idea: I have far too much respect for your body of work to make that sort of move. You see, Sammy my bud, I just stopped by cuz I saw you were in need of rescuing. And I'm gonna do that by kindly asking Mr. Dragoon here to let you go.
Sam Jackson:...Are you for real?
Magma: How do you know my name?
Man: Let's just say I'm a chronicler of sorts.
Magma: Well whatever you are, I'm not giving up my catch because some fat weirdo tells me to!
Man: I'll ignore the insult, though I'll ask one more time: Unhand Mr. Jackson, or I'll have to use force. (Draws out a kick-a** broad sword)
Magma: What is the deal with all these concealed weapons already? Everybody's packin' heat of some sort and God what happened to belt holsters or whatever?
Man: Hmf, for all your flair, I didn't take you to be such a whiner.
Magma: Alright, talking's done: Now I'm PISSED! (Tosses away Sam Jackson and leaps at man. He swipes, but sees no one) Huh? Whoa!
(Leaps away before the man brings down his sword onto the spot he was standing on)
Magma: How'd you do that?!
Man: I'm like the wind: I break when the moment's right.
Magma: That doesn't make sense!
(They continue fighting. Magma throws in his kung-fu and unleashes fire pillars, but the stranger moves deftly out of harm's way and counters with some swift sword swipes. Eventually Magma is backed near one of the exits.)
Magma: Okay, you wanna raise the heat, then I'll just broil yer a**!
(He stands firm and his wing stubs stick out. He charges a bit, and then unleashes a massive fire ball that consumes the stranger in flames)
Magma: HA! I done roasted me some haggis! Flawless victory yet again! (Raises a victory fist)
Man: Haggis is Scottish, dips***.
(Magma stares dumbfoundedly at the man crouching unhurt in the center of a large patch of scorched earth. Not one speck of ash on him, however his sword has a bright red glow to it)
Man: Catch! (Pulls back sword) Fire BRAND!
(Swings, sending out a large fire wave from his blade that hits Magma, burning him to a crispy black. Then in a flash the man rushes past to deliver a lightning-quick slash. Magma splits in half at the waist, his upper torso spinning upward)
Magma: D*** husky leprechaun!
(Erupts into explosions that culminate into one great blinding blast, leaving no remains. The man twirls his sword and slides it into a sheath on his back)
Man: Groovy.
(The Jedi come over)
Stan: Holy crap that was awesome!
Sylvia: Who are you?
Man: Lannius Drasec, my lady. Lann for short. I'm big, agile, enjoy walks by the lake and have a Master's in kicking a**es. I also do logging in my free time just for the workout.
Sara: Oh it certainly works out for you... (Ogles)
Will: Uhhhh, Sara...?
Will: So you're some freelance swordsman?
Lann: No. Officially I'm a Dragon Scholar. Dragon fanatic is a more fitting moniker, though. I eat, sleep, breathe, and wallow in any and all types of dragon-related material.
Rick: And what sort of scholar knows how to swing a magic sword like that?
Lann: I've said enough about myself for now. Maybe when I'm not so busy I'll tell you more.
Sally: We could at least introduce ourselves—
Lann: You're the Jedi. I am fully aware of all your deeds. I also know that the Jawa there banged that Ssi-Ruuk and had those kids there, which is more than a-okay in my book, given my preferences.
Cope: How do you know so much about us, or rather them?
Lann: I live in the same galaxy as you, duh.
Cope: Oh. Really?
Jo: So what the frick are you doing here?
Lann: Should be obvious: I'm here to study dragons. A planet loaded with them popping onto the scene is not an opportunity to be missed. It's as big and miraculous a windfall as a bacta lake sprouting up in the middle of a hemophiliac camp.
Squishy: I have to say, you seemed to know Magma's moves pretty well with how you dodged him.
Lann: Aye. I am well-versed in the realm of dragon studies, so I know just about every dragon in existence.
Sally: Every single one?
Lann: That's right. European, Chinese, video game, television, book, you name it. If it has scales, wings and breathes fire, then I'm all over it… in every meaning of the phrase.
Sylvia: That's pretty impressive.
Cope: And kinda gross.
Rick: Pretty niche information, ie fairly worthless in everyday matters.
Lann: Indeed, but the time for validation has finally come!
(Gray stumbles over)
Gray: God my head… Where's that good-for-nothing wannabe slayer?
Lann: I dealt with him. You must be Gray. Sorry I couldn't have come here sooner to stop your pounding, but you dragon types are pretty thick-skinned.
Gray: Who's this guy?
Sara: This is Lann. He sliced that robot's butt while you were out.
Gray: How do you know my name? Have I seen you somewhere?
Lann: No, but I know a bit about you.
Gray: Like some bounty hunter?
Lann: No, I'm not here to slay: I'm here to learn. While also occasionally defending myself when need be. Anyway, though I'd like to talk some more, there's more dragons afoot down this canyon. I can smell it.
Sara: Hey, why don't you come with us?
Lann: Pardon?
Sara: You know, see this planet with us, help us out.
Jo: Sara what are you doing? That's not cool.
Sara: What's the problem, Jo?
Anna: Yeah, what's up?
Jo: Group huddle! (Huddle together) You too! (Nabs Gray)
Gray: Waah!
(In the huddle)
Anna: Why are we doing this?
Jo: Sara, you don't go asking people to join us like that! We have to be cool with them first!
Sara: But we are cool with him, right? He seems pretty nice.
Will: Nice enough for you to make googly eyes at.
Sara: What's wrong with that? I don't call you out when I catch you staring at other girls.
Will: Yes you do.
Sara: Only to tease.
Rick: Back on track, the guy knows his way around a sword.
Sally: And can cast magic, so that'd be really helpful!
Sylvia: Plus a dragon expert could give us an upper hand against whatever we come across.
Gray: I'm not one for competition, but he can hold his own very well, like this one guy I know back home. The more the merrier, so long as he doesn't get in my way.
Squishy: We should totally let him come with us.
Jo: I don't know. There's something about him I just don't like.
Cope: Same here.
Anna: Well I say we take him in, and I speak for both me and my beau.
Cope: Whoops. Sorry, Jo.
Sylvia: He seems quite the gentleman to me.
(Outside the huddle, Lann looks at his reflection in his sword)
Lann: Hey there, stud. You hit pay dirt now. First all these dragons and now some fine female company. My god you're a sexy beast!
(Back in the huddle)
Squishy: So we're set on taking this guy with us.
Stan: No objections here.
Anna: Sounds pretty unanimous, Jo.
Jo: Ehhhhhhh, fine. But I say keep an eye on him.
(They break up and face Lann)
Jo: Alright, the group has decided. You can come with us if you want.
Lann: Ah, well, I should've mentioned that I usually work alone. Then again, you being the Jedi and all, I should consider the invitation a huge honor. So sure, I'll tag along.
Jo: Alright. Now, there's some ground rules. First, I'm the group leader, so you better do what I say. And second, you'll be expected to do your share of heavy lifting whenever it's needed, so don't expect a luxury safari.
Lann: Understood. I can be a "team" player for a while.
Will: Most importantly, keep your hands off my girl if you wanna keep your fingers intact.
Sara: Will!
Lann: Have no worries, Will. That thought has never crossed my mind. (Victory music plays) So what's first on the agenda, leader?
Squishy: We were looking to get out of this canyon—
Sam Jackson: Ugghhh… godd***….
Stan: What was that? Oh wait, that Samuel Jackson guy is still here, right?
Anna: I completely forgot about him.
Lann: Might I suggest we check on him before anything else?
Jo: Sure, let's do that.
(They go over to the rock. Sitting on the ground is a groggy Sam Jackson)
Sara: You okay, Mr. Jackson?
Sam Jackson: Do I look alright to you? I only came here to do a quick cameo, then some scaly-a** mutha-f**ker eats me, and suddenly I end up getting manhandled by some loudmouth punk. I was about two seconds away from whooping his a** with all that s*** he was spewing.
Lann: Well you should be happy to know that he won't be a nuisance to us or anyone anymore.
S. Jackson: Small f***in' consolation, pal. For whatever reason I can't teleport out of here like any other cameo, meaning I'm stuck here on some backwaters h***-hole. So in summation, this really isn't my f***ing day.
Squishy: That's really odd. Guess there's more going on with this planet than just dragons if it's keeping you in here.
Cope: All the more reason to hurry up and find a way OFF this planet.
Sara: But what about Mr. Jackson? We can't just leave him.
Sally: We could take him along.
Jo: Do we look like a celebrity escort service?
Sam Jackson: And what makes you think I want to come along? You're part of the reason I'm stuck here, plus you got talkin' velociraptors and whatever the h**l that guy is. (Points at Gray)
Gray: For your information, pal, it's rude to harshly judge someone you just met.
Sally: Ummmm...
Lann: If I may offer some input? You can't deny the sheer combat effectiveness that could be offered by having the one and only Samuel "Mother-F**king" Jackson on the team. And Sammy, while I have no doubts that you can hold your own out here, you'll probably be so bogged down fighting dragons you won't have time to find a way back home. These Jedi are good people, and undoubtedly have a set destination in mind that will benefit all of us. Plus, I'm a huge fan of yours, and I'll happily defend your life with mine should the need arise.
Sam Jackson: That part's slightly concerning, but I guess you people look pretty normal for the most part. Plus you got me away from that whack-a** robot, so I suppose I owe you.
Lann: So you want in?
Sam Jackson: Sure, at least until I find a way outta this dimension. (Victory music plays)
Lann: Über. Now, you Jedi said you were looking for the canyon exit? I believe it's that way, so let's get hustling. Right this way, Mr. Jackson.
(He leaves, followed by Jackson, Gray and most of the Jedi)
Anna: Finally, we're getting somewhere.
Jo: Who told him he can do my job of giving orders?
Cope: Gotta admit: He's got the charisma of a leader.
Rick: Rather pitiful on your end, Jo.
Jo: Shut up.
(They all leave the open area and enter another narrow crevasse)
Will: We're three more strong and moving along. I say things have really improved considering how it started, eh guys?
Sam Jackson: Hey, I wanna know something real quick. How is it that raptors can talk here?
Sylvia: It's because we're actually Ssi-Ruu. It's a race of sapient reptiles capable of speech and innovation, just like humans.
Sam Jackson: Uh-huh. Pretty weird but, space and all that jazz. Now why is it that those two have five fingers on each hand instead of three, and why's that one wearing robes? He got a skin condition?
(Everyone gives uncomfortable looks)
Jo: Yeeeeeah. Squish, Sylv, you explain it again.
Squishy: Of course. You see, Mr. Jackson…
(Raise camera high above the canyon where we see nothing but sky, then)
WHAT THE F**K?!
(After a relatively short period of time, we return to the group, with Sam Jackson looking a tad queasy. Suddenly)
Sara: I think I see the exit.
Stan: The light! I see the light!
Sally: Come on let's go!
(They hurry toward the opening. They run out onto a big open cliff with the canyon walls at their backs. The Jedi and their guests gaze upon what's in front of them)
Jedi: Wooow!
(We get a vast panoramic view of a lush landscape of endless forests, some mountain peaks and a great lake, all beneath a blazing setting sun, creating a magnificent scene)
And before them was a land of unparalleled natural beauty, wild and expansive. Within this land a great secret waited to be uncovered: One that would resolve this latest galactic crisis. Thus was the mindset of the Jedi at seeing this primal scene, and accompanied by the likes of a Dragon Slayer, a Dragon Scholar, and one of a Dragon Soul, they would embark on a journey of mystery, discovery, adversity, and self-understanding. And so begins their longest story yet.
Adventures on Draconia