Chapter 1
First Descent
The vista before them was incomparable to just about any other in the galaxy. However, there was a mission to accomplish, and sightseeing would have to wait.
Sara: It's so breathtaking…
Lann: Yep. It's quite the sight.
Gray: Marveling aside, I figure that forest is where we should be headed. Question is, how do we get down there?
Will: That is indeed a good question.
Lann: Hold up: I spy with my eye a downward slope over yonder. (Show slope over to their far left) By my reckoning, if we head for it now we'll reach the forest by nightfall, where we can set up camp under some much-needed cover.
Sylvia: Sounds like a plan.
Jo: (Mumbles) One that I should've said…
Sara: Huh?
Jo: (Out loud) Okay gang, we better move if we wanna have enough light to tell left from right. C'mon.
Squishy: O-kay!
(The group moves to the left and begin their trek. For a while they're walking casually along at their own paces. At the back, Sam Jackson looks wary and uneasy. Lann walks up beside him)
Lann: Yo Sammy, you feeling alright? You've been awfully quiet for a while now.
Sam Jackson: It's just too messed up here. A midget and a raptor having kids. I don't care how normal they act, that s*** just isn't natural.
Lann: Hey, nobody said it was. But isn't it natural for those truly in love to overcome any barrier, race not excluded?
Sam Jackson: Still some freaky twisted s**t.
Lann: Eh, you'll get over it. Everybody else did. (Leaves him)
Sam Jackson: You people putting up with stuff like this… no wonder my agent kept me from doing more cameos here.
(They keep walking. Sometime later, another conversation arises)
Gray: So Rick, what's the deal with the robe? Why do you wear it but your brother and sister don't?
Rick: I was born wearing this robe. It's part of my identity.
Gray: Huh, interesting. Um, dumb question but, do you bathe in that thing?
Rick: …..That's the only time I take it off.
Gray: Ah, of course. But, probably another dumb question, have you ever thought of not wearing it for a while? Or is there something you want kept covered up?
Rick: It's a sensitive subject. Something I'm still working out.
Gray: I see. Sorry for my prying, but I can relate. I didn't want anyone seeing me after I took on this form at first, so I stayed indoors or kept myself covered up whenever I went out in public. I was certain that if someone saw my big scaly hand, they would have reacted the same way I did when I first saw yours.
Rick: It's a natural gut reaction when you see something so drastically alien. At least you had the courtesy to stay and listen.
Gray: Yeah, and sorry again about bad talking your lineage... and the over-dramatic vomiting.
Rick: It's alright. Those things are fairly standard when it comes to us.
(Meanwhile)
Sally: Walking, walking, walking-walking-walking, walking, walking—
Cope: Sal, please stop singing. It's annoying.
Anna: Or at least mix it up a little. You write your own songs, right?
Sally: Of course I do! But I just want some super casual walking music, something that's easy on the vocal chords. Singing with effort is very tiring, you know.
Cope: Then how about settling for humming, quietly, and to yourself?
Sally: Okay!
(She proceeds to hum away. After some more walking Lann raises a hand)
Lann: Hold. My dragon sense is tingling… Follow.
(Lann silently strides forward, followed by the others. He unsheathes his sword when they reach a tall rock and stops there. Low growling can be heard)
Squishy: A dragon?
Stan: Sounds like it's sleeping.
Gray: You know, I'm not above killing a dragon in its sleep.
Lann: Not so fast. First we got to assess the threat before we do anything.
Jo: I was just about to say that.
(Lann pokes his head around the rock, followed by the heads of the others. Not too far from them in a small alcove is a large dragon at rest. Scales of shiny, brilliant sapphire cover its great neck, head, four legs, and even its two folded wings. The dragon just lays there awake, its head on the ground and looking mopey and sad)
Lann: (Quiet) Hey there, beautiful.
Sara: Yeah?
Will: He's talking about the dragon, Sara. At least he better be.
Sylvia: I've never seen scales so shiny and smooth. Makes me wonder how I can get mine to shine like that.
Squishy: Oh please, your scales are still amazing to me. No need to worry about getting color enhancements or any of that hoopla.
Sylvia: Maybe I feel like trying something different. Have you considered that?
Squishy: I just don't see how you can improve perfection is all I'm saying, sweetie. Otherwise it's just a waste of time and money.
Sylvia: Ohhhh, I see. Watching out for your wallet again.
Squishy: No I'm being genuine: Your scales are absolutely div—
Cope: (Loudly) Can you two save your domestic squabbling for someplace more appropriate?
(The dragon looks over in their direction)
Stan: Cripes!
(They all duck away, with Will's hand reaching out to pull in a lingering Sam Jackson. Behind the rock)
Jo: Smooth move, Alex. Now we're gonna have a dragon on our butts.
Lann: That might not be the case. I have a pretty good idea of who that dragon is, but I can't be too sure just by looking. I'll have to get closer to confirm my suspicions.
Jo: How do you propose we do that, "expert"?
Lann: By "we" I hope you meant "I", because I'm doing this alone. If I'm right then we shouldn't get any trouble from this dragon. But if I am indeed right, then I'm the only qualified person who can approach them. That means you guys gotta wait while I'm gone.
Jo: As if!
Lann: I'm serious. If you go out there lightsabers a-swingin' or say the wrong things our lives could be put in jeopardy, hence the reason you all have to stay here and wait for me to get back. Until then, no matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or beg, you are to STAY in this spot. Understand?
Jo: Yeah yeah yeah I got it, now just go already!
Lann: And that goes especially for you, Gray. Keep that killing instinct in check for our sakes.
Gray: (Nods) Sure sure.
Lann: Über. Just sit tight. It shouldn't be long. (Leaves)
20 minutes later…
(The group lounges around behind the rock, bored and restless)
Sam Jackson: How long it been since he left?
Rick: Fifteen minutes at least.
Gray: He must've got swallowed up. Man my slaying finger is itching like crazy.
Will: Guess he was a little too certain of his qualifications.
Jo: Serves him right. Making plans and giving out orders, like he forgot what our agreement was in joining us. That goes to show how fatal overconfidence can be in the—
(Lann sneaks up)
Lann: Miss me?
Jo: Gah! (Jumps away) Ba-jingles, bout time you showed up!
Lann: Yeah, sorry for the wait. And I know I was overstepping myself, but I take my field of expertise very seriously.
Sylvia: So what did you find out? It was very quiet.
Lann: Oh, right, the thing I did. Turns out that my suspicions were right. That dragon is none other than Saphira of the Eragon Universe. If you read the book you'd know how fierce a warrior she can be.
Sam Jackson: A "she"?
Cope: If she's such a great warrior then why is she just laying about?
Sally: She looked sad.
Lann: Before I could find that out, I first had to lay some common ground between ourselves. I told her my credentials, then told her what I knew of her and even acknowledged some of her feats. She found it rather odd but amazing for someone like myself to know so much about her. I dare say I made quite the impression.
Jo: (Grunt) Showoff…
Lann: Once I proved to her that I was friendly, she told me that the last thing she remembered was that she and Eragon were fighting Galbatorix and his dragon when some portal appeared and sucked them out of the air. She awoke to find herself here, but with no Eragon. She's all melancholy because she misses him, as the bond between Rider and dragon is a very deep, spiritual one. Chances are that Eragon is feeling the same way right now, wherever he is.
Anna: Okay, I kinda sorta understood part of that.
Gray: Let's simplify things: Is the dragon open for slaying?
Lann: Gods no! Saphira is anything but the mindless berserkers you're used to chopping up! She's intelligent, sensitive, and means no harm to those who leave her alone. How could you not get that from all that I have said?
Gray: …..Huh….. No one's ever stood up to me over wanting to slay a dragon before… As in, an actual dragon. It's strange—
Jo: Where exactly is this back-and-forth going?
Lann: To this: Saphira is alright with us passing by. She's just been brooding this entire time from not seeing Eragon, or anyone for that matter.
Will: So we can finally move on.
Lann: Precisely, William.
Jo: Then let's go already! God! (Stomps off)
Lann: What's his problem?
Anna: He's fussy because you're treading on his leader turf, sweetheart. I mean, I'd probably be feeling more miffed if it was me, but it's funny seeing it happen to him.
Sam Jackson: Guy needs to chill out. You go bald quicker the longer you're angry.
Jo: (Far off) Grah!
(Group's caught off-guard by that shout)
Squishy: Moving on.
(They continue. At some point they're walking down a gentle slope path on the mountainside)
Gray: So that "Saphira" got here through a portal, just like me.
Stan: And that Magma guy. What's the deal with the portals?
Cope: Likely explains how all these dragon and dragon-like beings got here to begin with.
Sylvia: But who or what would want dragons to be here in the first place?
Squishy: Bowser summoned then originally, so the question is why. They straight up devoured him last we saw.
Rick: Doesn't explain why more keep appearing well after the fact.
Anna: All the more reason to shut our yaps and walk.
Cope: Good call.
Lann: Kinda a shame seeing Saphira like that. Such a pity we can't do anything; a dragon is truly lost without their Rider.
Anna: What did I just say?
Gray: Ehhh, I don't see how any sort of "bond" can be made with dragons. Where I'm from they're ruthless killing machines, preying on the weak and unprepared. Only good for slaying.
Lann: There's a surprising number of instances that beg to differ. Plus, this isn't your world.
Gary: (Huff) Don't I know it...
(The group eventually reaches a great, narrowing dirt slope leading down toward the forest edge)
Lann: Look alive. Our first rest stop is down there. Tread lightly.
Sam Jackson: I'll tread as heavily as I want, thank you very much.
Lann: Of course. Tread away, Mr. Jackson.
(They begin the descent. As they go down, Stan notices pebbles rolling past them)
Stan: Huh. (More pebbles roll past) Umm, guys? I'm getting a bad feeling.
Anna: Since when do you not when we're out on these missions?
Cope: Can we please not invoke any tropes that will inconvenience us?
(There's a slight tremor)
Will: Did you feel that?
Cope: Too late. Thanks a bunch, Stan.
Stan: Why am I the cause whenever I voice a legitimate concer—
(There's a steady rumble)
Anna: Now what?
Lann: We're not alone…
Rick: No s**t.
(There is more rumbling, then with a great blast a huge chunky beast launches out of the earth. With the general look of a massive brown Gila monster, the creature flies through the air screeching as its name appears: "Earth Wyrm". It hits the ground and burrows away as boss music from "Majora's Mask" plays)
Sam Jackson: What in the f***in' h*** was that?!
Sally: That couldn't have been a dragon just now.
Lann: Not all dragons have wings, but I never heard of this one.
Jo: So what should we do, expert?
Lann: I honestly can't say.
(The wyrm bursts from the ground again and burrows back, this time closer to the group)
Sam Jackson: Fat a**hole's getting dirt on me!
Lann: While I oppose senseless slaughter of dragons, I do allow for self-defense, and this one doesn't look cooperative or friendly.
Gray: Do I detect a permission to slay?
Lann: Yes, Gray. Slay away.
Gray: Ha ha! It's go time! (Brandishes arm blades and runs out) Okay vile earth serpent! Let's get it started out here! (Moves around the place trying to locate the buried fiend) Come out you pansy!
(The wyrm surfaces beneath Gray, blasting him a good ways off whilst yelling)
Rick: Well that's a letdown.
(The wyrm pops out of the ground and with several stomps it makes huge boulders drop from above to roll at the Jedi)
Jo: Rock and roll, baby!
(The Jedi whip out their sabers and cut through the boulders, but one goes for Sam Jackson)
Sam Jackson: Ah s***! (Will leaps in to slice the boulder) Oh thank the lord.
(Nearby, Lann raises his sword)
Lann: Gaia SHIELD!
(He drives the blade into the ground. A great earthen wall rises around the group, blocking the boulders)
Sally: Cooool.
Lann: We should be safe now. (The wall blasts apart with the wyrm behind it) Or maybe not.
(The wyrm swipes but Lann rolls away. The wyrm leaves him and advances on the others)
Will: (Hillbilly) That thing's comin' right for us!
Squishy: Sylvia! Attack formation!
(Sylvia runs past him, and Squishy leaps and lands on her back. The two stop by Jo, whereupon Squishy grabs his hair and stretches it out)
Jo: Dude my deux!
(Squishy stands atop Sylvia, holding back a very whip-like strand of hair)
Squishy: Eat obscure game reference! (He begins whipping at the wyrm with the hair) Get back! Get back!
(The wyrm trudges back, growling in frustration at his whipping before burrowing back into the ground. Squishy releases the hair, which snaps back into place on Jo's head)
Jo: What the freak did you do to my hair?
Squishy: Those preservative chemicals have all kinds of weird properties. You might want to double check the side effects.
(There's rumbling as the wyrm moves through the ground)
Lann: Wait, this has to be the wyrm's final attack. Get ready!
(They all ready their weapons, except Sam who just backs away. The wyrm finally erupts from the ground, flying at the group mouth wide open. But then something large snatches the wyrm in its jaws and rips it to shreds. The monstrosity tosses aside the dead beast, and now we see it's a massive decaying behemoth labeled "Zombie Dragon".)
Squishy: Whoaaa…
Sam Jackson: That is one ugly mother—
(The zombie dragon lets out a horrific screech as "Gohma Phase 2" from Wind Waker starts)
Lann: We can take this thing! Charge!
(He runs at the zombie, but it rears back and belches a wide green breath attack. Lann drops his sword and covers his mouth after being hit dead-on by the deathly mist)
Lann: Dear Christ! Ah dude! Sweet Jiminy Jumpin' Jesus that stuff's too rank! God it smells like Sasquatch's d**k! Oh f**k me sideways it's terrible! Cloff cloff cloff hurk hack gerk cloff gag…
(Keels over. The Jedi are unnerved by this)
Sara: Lann's down! What do we do?!
Cope: Fight of course! We're still more than enough for it. Cover us, Samuel Jackson!
Sam Jackson: H**l no I'm going nowhere near that f***in' thing! And that's "Samuel L. Jackson" to you, kid!
Jo: Relax already! He can't possibly hit all of us with that attack.
Rick: Not terribly reassuring there, Jo.
(The zombie dragon readies another breath attack)
Gray: Don't forget about me! (Leaping from a dirt pile comes the armored reptile man) No cheap shot ever kept me down for long!
Anna: Gray, watch that thing! It's got gnarly death breath!
Gray: Yeah, I can smell it from over here. (The zombie beast looks at him) Yeah you heard me: I said you stink! Come at me you rotten overgrown abdominal scab!
(The zombie belches a breath attack at him, but Gray leaps high out of it's way)
Gray: Ha! Too slow! (He dives at the beast and slices off one of its wilted wings before hitting the ground) Heh, all that time in the grave must've eroded your reflexes. You were better off staying there! (The beast turns to roar at him) Still think you got it? Alright, fertilizer, let's get it on!
(They engage)
Sam Jackson: What's happening now?
Squishy: Gray seems to be employing an RPG battle system of some kind.
(We see Gray and the dragon zombie on an Atelier Iris 2 battle screen as the SSH remix of "Terrestial" from that same game plays)
Gray: (Slamming bracers together) Time to kick it old/new school! This should be slow enough for you to handle! Believe it!
(The zombie roars in response. The turn counter has the zombie attack first, but for little damage)
Gray: Bah! This is how you do an opening strike!
(Gray attacks for better damage. The zombie attacks again but misses)
Gray: Quit holding back! Being dead isn't an excuse to not put effort into your attacks!
(Attacks. The zombie uses Fetid Claw to do better damage)
Gray: Is that the best you can do? Your techniques are embarrassing. Tail Slap!
(Smacks the beast with his tail, causing moderate "diss" damage. Now zombie uses Putrid Mist which deals pretty decent damage to Gray)
Gray: Ah there we go! Some of those teeth of yours are still sharp. I've made enough Skill Points so I'll bare mine. Flame Breath!
(Goes over and releases a devastating fire storm that's super effective)
Stan: Kick-a**, man! He breathes fire!
Gray: You think my form is just looks? Far from it, slim! (The zombie makes a regular attack) Too tired, eh? Go take a breather. Push Back!
(Gives a stun blow that knocks the zombie all the way to the back of the counter, making it dizzy. Gray gets in three hits before the beast recovers)
Gray: Now I'm all maxed out. Time to finish this!
(There's a quick spark and in super exclamatory manga fashion Gray hypes up as flames blaze behind him)
Gray: Here we go! Astronomically Super-Powered Special Japanese Attack Whose Exact Translation Escapes Me But Sounds Real Cool When YOU SAY IIIIT!
(He charges his blades and assails his foe with dozens of flaming slashes in a flashy style. Afterwards Gray lands crouched behind the beast, remaining still momentarily before tossing back his arms, causing the beast to erupt into billions of fiery meaty bits. Gray stands straight and blows on his steaming blades)
Gray: Nuthin' to it.
(The Jedi converge on him)
Sally: Oh wowie that was so cool! You were so awesome fighting that thing!
Gray: Eh, all in a day's slaying. This stuff's pretty routine for me.
Sara: And you say you do this everyday? Ooooooh that's so rugged!
Will: Huh say what?
(Nearby, Lann slowly gets back up)
Lann: Okay, okay. It's cool now. Where's that abomination?
Squishy: Ah man you missed it! Gray whooped major decaying dragon a**!
Anna: I couldn't have said that better myself!
Lann: Wha?
Will: It was pretty righteous how he did it, despite it being turn-based.
Rick: Have to hand it to him: The guy's a skilled warrior.
(While Lann is standing there processing what he's hearing, we see that the zombie dragon's head and right arm are still intact, and crawling its way right up to the scholar)
Sara: Look out!
(There's a gunshot and the zombie dragon gets knocked back from a bullet to the face. Everyone then watches Sam Jackson stepping out toward the fallen monster, holding a smoking pistol and inexplicably looking like his "Jules" character from Pulp Fiction)
Sam Jackson: Check out this zombie motherf***er trying to get the jump on us. Hoping to make us his b***hes with that moldy arm. (Chuckles, walking around the stricken creature, before staring at it seriously) Do we look like b****es to you? (Stomps a boot on its head) Well, do we? (Stomps it some more) Do you even speak English, Mother F***er?! (Drives in his heel, crushing part of its skull, then lets up) Figures you don't, seeing that sad flap of fat you call a mouth. That same sorry mother-f***in' mouth that tried to poison and destroy my brothers. (Steps back, holding up gun) For that, I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, for you will know my name is the LORD! As I lay my vengeance upon thee.
(Unloads gun into zombie dragon, landing several bullets into its shattered skull, finally making it expire. He lowers the gun before turning around, now suddenly back in his original clothes and hairstyle)
Squishy: Holy crap… that was awesome…
Sam Jackson: What? You mean what he did? I would have to agree with you.
Sara: No, the way you finished off that dragon!
Jo: You channeled Pulp Fiction just now.
Anna: And you saved Lann's keester!
Sam Jackson: The h*** you talkin' about? I did no such thing. (Brings up gun, giving a start at seeing it) Who put this in my hand? (Shrugs, tosses gun, and goes over to Gray like that exchange didn't happen) I gotta say, you live up to your talk. After seeing an a** kicking like that, I gladly say I'm in good hands. Put it there, my scaly brother.
Gray: (Confused) Uhh, sure.
(The two exchange a fist handshake)
Lann: (Disbelieving) Wait. What, what's happening… How….
Jo: R-Regardless, let's hear it for our new buddies!
Group: HUZZAAAH!
(The majority of the group rushes off singing a jovial tune while rubbing shoulders with Gray and Sam Jackson)
Sam Jackson: Hey why are you pressing up against me?
(As they leave the battlefield, a befuddled Lann is left in the dust. Quickly recovering, he picks up his sword just as Cope walks up to him)
Cope: Forgive the random celebration. It happens regularly on these kinds of outings.
Lann:...It's fine. I still helped, and that's what's important. (To self) Though at the cost of my pride and a chance to impress the ladies.
Cope: Did you say something?
Lann: Just a sigh of fatigue, Copeland my good man. Let's rejoin the others so we can get into the forest and find a nice place to lay down for the night. (Moves on)
Cope: (Shrugs) Sounds good.
(The two walk briskly to catch up with the group)
Cope: Hold on. How do you know what Sasquatch's d**k smells like?