Chapter 3
Enter the Scholar
It was a night that sobered the hearts of the weary travelers. Gray's history filled the Jedi with newfound perspective and respect toward the mighty Dragon Slayer, which further strengthened his bond to the group in turn. Yet a new day promises more experiences and encounters, and the heroes have no time to dwell if they are to continue their journey with utmost haste.
(Morning. The sky is a soft, bright blue with some clouds and a low yellow sun. Down in the great evergreen forest, the Jedi and guests stand around the fire site)
Will: The BlackBerry showed the target within a mountain range that's somewhere, (Sweeps around arm then points out) over yonder.
Jo: Affimative. Rick and Alex will cover the sides. Gray, you'll be up front with me. The rest of you, find whatever spot you prefer.
Lann: I'm down with that.
Jo: You, Lann, will stay in the back. I don't want you farting up the formation.
Lann: Oh come on it was just three hours and you were all sleeping through it.
Cope: Speak for yourself. Plus, that smell lingers.
Will: It really does.
Lann: You're really gonna do me like that just because of my biology?
Jo: Yes. Let's go, people!
(They head out)
Squishy: Wasn't that a bit harsh, Jo?
Anna: Especially considering how we partook in Bean Bonanza Night on Bespin—
Jo: You will NOT mention that to anyone outside this group, especially to him!
Sylvia: He might already know. It was, erm, quite the "spectacle".
Gray: Bean bonanza?
Anna: Trust me, big guy: You really don't want to know.
(Turn to Lann as he stays behind. He pulls out his sword and talks to his reflection)
Lann: Okay Lanny Boy, you've been slipping too much. First you let some animated corpse humiliate you, letting Gray snag the glory, and now you're reliving grade school. Plus that oh-so tragic backstory has him hogging all the fair-female adoration. It's supposed to be you they should be cooing over, and not some musclehead that just wants to tear up this pristine place. Besides, you know it's the sensitive scholarly type who gets the babes in the end.
With that said, time to work that voodoo you shrewdly do, ol' coochie coo, and bolster me a swanky reputation. Yow!
(Puts away sword and dashes for the group. Soon he catches up, snaking his way through the ranks without drawing Jo's attention. He makes his way up to Sara)
Lann: So, nice weather, huh?
Sara: It's very nice. All temperate, no humidity.
Lann: Yes, couldn't agree more. Though it doesn't hurt to work up a sweat every so often.
Sara: I suppose.
Lann: What do you like doing in your spare time, if you don't mind me asking?
Sara: Oh, mundane stuff. Shopping, bowling, the occasional crochet, lightsaber training, espionage training, medical practice, and being with my hunky hubby Will.
Lann: I have to say he's a lucky guy having someone as multi-talented as yourself. And not to mention as cute as a button.
Sara: Gosh, no one's ever said that about me before.
Lann: That's hard to believe. (Thoughts) Yes! Got my foot in the door. Now to close the distance. (Out loud) You know, it can be pretty lonely at times in my line of work. (Sidles closer to Sara) It's certainly refreshing being in such good, fair company such as—
(The moment his shoulder brushes Sara's, Will pops up and starts barking loudly at him, making him flee)
Lann: (Doggy) Aie Aie Aie Aie Aie Aie!
Sara: Will!
Will: Oh, sorry babe. Still don't trust the guy.
(Lann retreats to Anna's position)
Lann: I have no idea what got into him! I'm gonna need some tender talking to ease my nerves.
Anna: You're barking up the wrong tree, bub. I saw what you tried there.
Lann: Tried? Tried what? I swear I know not what you're insinuating.
Anna: Yeah, I'm the absolute last person you want to try bulls****ing. Remember that.
(Moves away from him)
Lann: Ooooh, that's too frosty a nut to crack. Well, maybe someone a little more impressionable.
(Sidles up to Sally)
Lann: Howdy Sal, what's cracking?
Sally: Agh!
(Backhands Lann so hard with her claws she knocks him over onto the dirt)
Sally: Oh gosh, Lann? I'm so, so sorry! I just freak out whenever somebody sneaks up on me like that. Made me think you were a dragon or a stalker or something.
Lann: No, no, that's okay. It was my bad sneaking up on you like that. (Pushes himself up) D***, that was quite the hit. Still feel the side of my jaw tingling. You've got some, ugh, impressive strength.
Sally: Well, Ssi-Ruuk genetics. (Shrug) Uhh, need some help?
Lann: No no, I'm good. Be up in a sec.
Sally: Okay. And again, sorry.
(She leaves Lann on the ground, and he proceeds to rub his cheek)
Lann: Oooooooow. And that was just her being defensive. (Gets back up) Okay, the conversational approach didn't quite pan out. Guess I'm gonna have to buckle down and impress them through physical feats. Crude, but historically effective.
(Rejoins the group. Sometime later they stop at a tree by a very long, wide ravine)
Squishy: Looks like a dead end.
Jo: Normally it would be, Squish my pal, but me says that chopping down this tree will provide us a decent bridge.
Lann: Allow me, Jo my chum. (Goes to tree, feels around the trunk) There should be a weakened section somewhere.
Rick: Can't you just hack the thing over with your sword?
Lann: No need, Rick. A good, strong blow in the right spot will fell this tree in no time.
(Stands, readies himself, then delivers a punch that makes a thud on the tree. After a delayed second his face scrunches up and he hits the ground rubbing his fist)
Lann: Ah son of a b***h that smarts! Aaaagh!
Gray: Maybe I can help.
(Goes over to tree and with a simple shove he pushes it over, making a bridge)
Sally: Now we got a bridge!
Stan: Way to go, Gray!
Sam Jackson: About time.
(The group crosses the ravine. Lann meanwhile gets up, looking fumed)
Lann: Okay, forget brute force. Back to wooing tactics. Full throttle!
(We turn to Sara as Lann rushes up to her with some flowers)
Lann: Say Sara, I happened to find these very exotic but lovely flowers back there. I thought you'd like to have a whiff.
Sara: (Takes flowers) Why thank you, Lann. They are lovely. (Sniffs) And smell very fragrant, too.
Lann: Yeah. Wish I could say what kind they are, but I'm no botanist, and I don't think they're native to this galaxy. Anyway, want to check out the gun show?
Will: It's already here; check out these Howitzers!
(Clobbers Lann aside with an arm muscle, then notices Sara giving him a look)
Will: Uhh, that time was a reflex. It's just how I function.
Sara: You seriously need to see a doctor or something about that.
(Upon recovering, Lann approaches Anna once more, but as he readies to speak she gives him a piercing, soul-withering glare that freezes his upper body and makes him back away. Shortly after that, we see Sylvia walking along when Lann suddenly drops in upside down hanging from a vine.)
Lann: You probably wouldn't have guessed from my physique, but I'm quite the acrobat. Be honest, Sylvia: Don't I make a fine Spider-Man?
Sylvia: Maybe as a large stunt double.
Lann: Large in the right areas, if you catch—
(Vine snaps, dropping Lann onto the ground)
Sylvia: Doesn't seem like it.
(She leaves him there. The group soon stops before a small stream)
Cope: It shouldn't be too deep to cross.
Squishy: It better not.
Sara: Although I prefer not to get wet.
Lann: Check out my new look. (Saunters in with a ginormous afro) A timeless classic, surprisingly great protection from the elements. That is, for those slim enough to stand under it.
Rick: This might be of use.
(Goes over to Lann and rips off his afro, making him wince and pat his head. Rick brings the wig over and drops it in the stream, where it absorbs the water and grows into a large spongy stepping stone of sorts)
Sally: Oh neat: A squishy bridge!
Squishy: Great thinking, son.
Sam Jackson: Very clever. Never considered its absorbency.
(They all cross the hairy bridge. Further along, Sally comes up to a thick wall of vines)
Sally: Ughh, stupid plants.
(She cuts through the vines with her saber, only to reveal a naked Lann laying atop a log with a fern leaf covering his nethers)
Lann: Like what you see?
Jo: Aw yeah.
Lann: Bwah!
(Falls off log. Jo reaches up and grabs an apple)
Jo: Never expected an apple tree of all things to be growing here. Alright gang: Lunchbreak.
Squishy: Woo hoo!
(Every has a sit down to enjoy a lunch of apples)
Sylvia: These are really good.
Will: Great find, Jo.
Jo: I can't take all the credit. Sal there cut open the vines covering it.
Sally: That I did! Though I probably would've overlooked them. (Chomps an apple) Mmm, scrumptious!
(As everyone's chowing down, Lann stands off to the side and consults his reflection once more)
Lann: You're really flopping it now. Getting knocked about, tripped up, injured both in body and pride. I swore I had everyone impressed with my introduction. What am I not doing— (Lightbulb dings over his head) That's it! Of course!
(He rushes out and halts before the group as they're munching their fruit)
Lann: May I have your attention, please, fellow travelers!
Anna: What is it that you want now?
Cope: We're currently in the middle of imbibing sustenance, as you can so clearly see.
Lann: That is so, but what better way to aid the digestive process then with a little brunch time entertainment. A means to relax and invigorate our bodies and minds for the long road ahead, and I, the dashing and supportive fellow that I am, shall volunteer in delivering you such vigor.
Stan: Uhh, what's he talking about?
Sam Jackson: I think he's finally lost it. And it hasn't even been a whole day.
Lann: I speak of a display of dexterity, balance and grace. (Pulls out his sword) Observe.
(After holding still for dramatic effect, he starts spinning his weapon about. Then he twirls it between both hands, over his sides and back. The spinning increases to blurry speeds, until Lann kneels and folds back onto the ground while keeping his sword whirling before him. Then in one swift go he leaps up, does a flip, lands and tosses his sword high before striking a pose)
Lann: Ha!
(Group is awed and some even clap)
Group: Oooooh…
(Lann basks in the attention a moment before shutting his eyes and holding out his palm to catch his sword, only for the hilt to bounce off the top of his skull. He goes cross-eyed before falling flat on his face. The group stares at his unconscious form in silence, although Stan gives a halfhearted laugh and clap)
Cope: That was certainly a display, I can say that much.
Sean Connery: You're NOT the man now, dog! (Slips away)
Sam Jackson: What the? Sean Connery?! You guys saw that, right? (Drops apple and gets up) How'd you get here? (Rushes off) Hey, hold up a sec!
Sara: Wait, you probably shouldn't... (Too late, as Sam Jackson has gone into the trees without hearing the rest of what she had to say) Go in there alone. Should one of us go after him?
Will: He should be fine. But I'll get him if he's not back by the time I finish this. (Eats his apple)
(Within a thick section of woods, Sam Jackson stumbles about)
Sam Jackson: I said wait you old Scot b****rd! I want you to get me out of this place. Help a fellow actor out. Hello? Hello? D***it, I lost him! Where could he have gone, anyway? And why can't I do the same?
(He kicks a bush in frustration, which shudders and lets out some low growls. Suddenly a small green lizard with tiny wings pops out, fixing its large yellow eyes on the irritated celebrity)
Sam Jackson: The h**l are you supposed to be? (The lizard starts sniffing his leg) Hey, I don't want any of that. I'm in no mood for getting sniffed on, so back off or you're getting a boot to your dopey face. (The lizard starts clawing at his pants) What did I just say?!
(Kicks the lizard hard into the bush)
Sam Jackson: I warned ya. You don't ignore a pissed off Samuel L. Jackson. (There's louder growlings from the bush) Huh? (The growling gets louder and more numerous) Ohhhh sh—
(Turn to the Jedi group, who are still lounging about eating apples and looking at Lann's unconscious body)
Sylvia: He's been acting up quite a bit today. Do you think he normally acts like this around other people?
Jo: Him being a show-off is really getting on my nerves. Playing the fool is going to mess us up.
Anna: The guy needs to keep it in his pants is all I'm saying.
Gray: At least his sword has some nice magic going for it. Real handy for dragon slaying.
Sara: Mr. Jackson still hasn't come back.
Will: Alright, let me just—
(Sam Jackson runs past in a hurry)
Sam Jackson: MOVEYOURSLOWF***INGA***S! (Gone)
Cope: What was his deal?
Squishy: (Looks around, then gulps and points) Probably that!
(They look around and see a seething swarm of green big-eyed dragons running and flying toward them, growling voraciously as the label "Terrible Terrors" appears.)
Anna: Ah crap they're adorable!
Gray: Peh, I can take them.
Rick: I don't think you have enough bulk to withstand that amount.
(Shot widens to reveal entire forest teeming with these noisy little dragons)
Gray: Ohhhhhhh...
Sally: So we follow Mr. Jackson's example?
Jo: Yes, but in keeping with our usual manner. IE, with overly dramatic yelling.
Cope: Fitting for the situation.
(All the Jedi take a deep breath)
Jedi: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
(They run away with Gray in tow. Meanwhile, Lann finally sits up)
Lann: Hm? Whatsa? Where is everyone? (Notices dragon stampede) Oh f**k!
(Dashes off. We see the whole group running through the woods to hectic chase music. As they weave and bob through foliage the dragons follow like a great flood. At one point Stan trips and is covered by the reptiles)
Sally: Stan!
Rick: Keep going! There's nothing we can do!
(The chase continues. Lann manages to outrun the others, but ends up running into a great spider web where he gets stuck)
Lann: Heeeh! Hurr! Ergh! Seriously? Spider-Man, how could you forsake me?!
(Watching from a nearby branch is the red-spandexed web-slinger)
Spider-Man: You did a crappy job copying me. (Growling is heard) Later, loser. (Shoots out a web and swings away)
(On the ground, Anna cuts the web and frees Lann)
Anna: Move it you lug!
(The group continues to flee. We see Squishy riding Sylvia all frenetic like)
Squishy: Ya! Ya! Faster faster!
Sylvia: Telling me isn't going to make me go quicker!
Squishy: I just like saying it! Hiyah!
(The Jedi catch up to Sam Jackson, who is lagging behind)
Jo: They're right on our tail; why are you slowing down?
Sam Jackson: Shut the, (huff) f*** up. (huff) I haven't trained for long distance, (huff) running. Especially with ground this bad.
(The miniature dragons are chomping at the flanks of the group. A few of them leap at them, only to get carved up by Gray. The leapers stop as a carpet of the things approaches, with Stan inexplicably sitting atop it)
Sally: Stan!
Cope: Stan?! How the h**l are you not being eaten up?
Stan: I don't know! They must think I'm one of them.
Sally: Cool! Does that mean me and Rick can catch a ride?
Cope: This is no time for joking!
Anna: Hold on! If they think he's one of them, this could be helpful. Stan, tell your "friends" to stop chasing us!
Stan: What? How am I supposed to do that?
Anna: Talk Ssi-Ruuvi or something!
Stan: You crazy? How do you know it's going to work?
(Sylvia and Squishy pull back to them)
Sylvia: Just try it, Stan! We can't keep going much longer!
Squishy: Listen to your mother, son!
Stan: Okay, I'll try. Ummm, trying to remember the phrases. It's been awhile.
(He eventually makes some chirps, clicks and whistles)
Terrible Terrors: Oh, we gotcha, hoss.
(All the dragons stop at once, launching Stan forward into the back of the group. The collision bowls them all forward, flying over a slope upon which they hit and tumble down. After much rolling and cries of disorientation and protest the party lumps into a heap upon a flat earthen patch of ground at the bottom of the slope. After a moment of recovery they get up)
Squishy: Huh. Guess Ssi-Ruuvi is Dragonspeak in the galaxy.
Sally: Awesome.
Lann: Yes, very awesome. I'm going to have to make note of that for my research.
Sam Jackson: Well that sucked immensely. I lost my connection back home, got chased by some scraggly f***ing lizards, and I'm all dirtied up and covered in hulking dragon man sweat.
Gray: I have a very intimidating musk, just so you know. My smell alone strikes fear into most dragons.
Sam Jackson: Like the ones that had been chomping at our a**es?
Gray: Uh, they must have underdeveloped nostrils or something.
Will: In any case, they're not following us anymore, so we can rest ea—
(A heavy gust blows by)
Anna: Oh swell: A wind storm.
Lann: This deep in the woods? Not possible.
(A great gust blows and takes out a line of trees near them. After things calm, the group sees a large pond before them. A very high, narrow waterfall feeds it)
Jo: Well that's convenient.
Cope: Still doesn't explain the—
(There is a really large gust that ruffles them. Suddenly dropping down on great air streams comes a small gray dragon with wing arms and small legs. It hovers within miniature cyclones and lets out a roar as we get a name: Wind Dragon/FFVI Edition)
Squishy: You know, I can't shake this Zelda vibe I keep getting from these encounters.
(With a flap of its wings the dragon sends a great vortex that hits the group, tossing them off their feet and up into the air. They go spinning in a fast orbit around the avian, propelled by wind bursts)
Stan: Oh god not this again!
(As they spin around, Gray tries lashing out but can't reach the fiend. At this time we notice that Lann is still standing on the ground at a loss)
Lann: How come I didn't get sucked up?
Jo: You're probably too heavy to pick up!
Lann: What? That doesn't make any sense! Gray's wearing frickin' armor, and even without it he's still packing more pounds in muscle alone just by looking at him.
Anna: Quit ogling the scaly boy and help us already!
Lann: Oh right, you're in peril. Okay, I've flopped enough, but now my time to shine as the heroic supporting character has finally come. Just a quick boost, first.
(He reaches into his tunic and pulls out a tin flask. He unscrews the cap and downs a quick swig, shaking his head to get the fluids flowing)
Lann: Woo! They don't call 'em spirits for nuthin'.
(With some bubbly sound effects he starts floating upward. After a bit he becomes level with the Wind Dragon and the maelstrom around it)
Lann: Alright you despicable array of pixels and fourth generation coding, dragon though you may be, you're endangering my friends. And I happen to know your game, so that's doubly unfortunate for you. Ready yourself: It's time to kick it!
(He unsheathes his sword and launches at the dragon, initiating battle. Though the Jedi and others are at the mercy of the wind, Lann zips through the air streams like a penguin through water. Yet he cannot fully outpace the dragon, which dodges his slashes and gets in some near bites. As the exchange goes on the lofted crew continue to slowly rise higher into the air, trailing the combatants. Soon the fight is happening above the source of the waterfall, which is a very large, lily pad-laden reservoir)
Lann: Dragging things out, huh? I respect your will to survive but it's getting old. How bout I go ahead and end th— (Gets slapped with a wing) Ow! Cheap shot!
(The dragon whips around and smacks him hard with its tail, knocking Lann out of the air and into the water with a splash)
Cope: Why am I not surprised?
Anna: Yo Squish, got some random solution in mind that'll save us?
Squishy: Hmmm… I can only think of one, and it's not pretty, but there's really no other option.
?: Here's one: It's called "wait a d**n minute".
(We look down at the reservoir to see it shrouded in mist. As it disperses we see Lann standing atop the water, wearing a white tunic and… black tights that melds with the thickness of his thighs and waist. Blegh.)
Sam Jackson: What in the h**l are you doing, dumba**! This isn't time for some f***in' ballet!
Sylvia: I can see every little detail of his legs from up here… and it's horrifying.
Gray: Yeah… And I've faced some seriously malformed adversaries in my day.
Lann: Yes, I am also relieved over my well-being. And though you don't care for the shapeliness of my legs, you mustn't look away. This is something you don't wanna miss.
(The wind dragon tilts its head in curiosity. There is silent tension as everything remains still)
Anna: Nothing sacred is gonna come out of this, is there?
Rick: Nope.
(Lann starts to dance. Slowly at first, he taps atop the water gracefully. Then after a while he speeds up a bit as a steady tempo builds)
Lann: Feeling amazed? (Taps some more) You ain't seen nothin' yet.
("River Dance" kicks on as he pulls off some serious leg work. Nary a large splash is made as the Wind Dragon is slowly drawn to the display with its captive heroes in tow. Lann's upper half remains still as he mixes up the foot routine)
Lann: By the graces of Random, I call upon: Happy Feet!
(Flashing into sight are four little penguins that follow Lann, making things super cute with their waddly taps. Then the music changes to Latino dance and it becomes one big salsa mix of glam and sweat. All the while the Wind Dragon bobs in sync to the beat. The Jedi are equally wowed)
Lann: Let's add a little more flash, shall we? (He draws his sword and dances with it) Water Lash.
(Suddenly water whips up and encompasses the sword. After a quick flurry there is a great strand of fluid connected to the blade like a whip. Then everything stops once Lann makes a stomp)
Lann: Fubu shay ar lé qua, Wind Dragon? (Another stomp) Bet ya never seen a shamrock move like this before, huh? (Rapid stomp) It was fun. (Stomp) But now I'm done. (Stomp) So it ends. (Stompity stomp) Henshin-a-Bye-Bye, baby.
(In a flash he brings about his water whip and slices the dragon in half, sending up a fountainlike shower and recorded applause. As this is happening our heroes fall ungracefully onto a nearby shore. As they get up, Lann casually walks off the water's surface and rejoins them, looking very satisfied)
Stan: Holy crap you actually saved us!
Sara: You took out that dragon in a blink! Don't know about the dancing, impressive though it was.
Lann: Merely a diversion as I readied the killing blow. Now kiss the ring, b***h. (Holds out hand with a pimpin' ring on it. Squishy comes over, kneels and starts kissing it rapidly) I was kidding, but do go on. I'm feeling a swollen sense of accomplishment.
Gray: I gotta hand it to ya, man: You dazzled that dragon like nobody's business. A regular ol' twinkle-toes.
Sam Jackson: You move real light for a big guy, I'll have to agree. Say, what's in that flask of yours, anyway?
Lann: Oh, just bourbon, with a hint of licorice.
Sylvia: But how did it make you float?
Lann: It didn't; that was my sword's doing. That little swig was just to take the edge off.
Anna: You happen to have some extra? I'm dying for a drink.
Sara: How about telling us where you learned how to step like that?
Sally: And the material you used in your pants. My backup dancers could really use some sturdy fabric for the routines I have in mind.
Sara: C'mon Lann: Tell us everything.
Sally: Me first me first!
Anna: Divulge thy bourbon reserves!
Lann: Ladies, please. There'll be time later for me to discuss all that and more. But how about accompanying me for this leg of the journey?
Sara: Sure!
Will: Sara—
Sara: Let me hang out with our new friend here for a bit, Will. I can't know more about him if you keep scaring him off.
Lann: And there will be plenty to know. Now Sam My Man, you're welcome to join as well.
Sam Jackson: Well your weirdo a** did save my a**, but don't think about trying anything on me, especially while you're wearing those pants.
Sally: We can keep you company as well, Mr. Jackson.
Sam Jackson: (Shrugs) Good enough for me.
(Lann and his new entourage move out, leaving behind a group of confused men and Sylvia)
Jo: What just happened?
Sylvia: Looks like the dancing has won him some admirers.
Jo: I can see that, but wasn't he a total spazz just ten minutes ago?
Squishy: Guess he must've finally hit his stride.
Jo: Hmph. Well he better not let it get to his head and start making orders like before. I will get up in his grill if that happens.
Sylvia: We should catch up to them. It's still a group mission, so we must stick together.
Squishy: Right, Sylv. Coming, Alex?
Cope: Of course. I might be able to slip me a sip from Anna.
Rick: Come on, Jo.
(Everyone but Jo and Gray follow the others. Gray comes up to Jo and lays an armored slap on his shoulder)
Gray: Buck up, pal. We didn't get to do anything against that dragon, but at least we know that guy's a capable addition to the party. Besides, plenty more dragons out there, and he can't have all that glory, can he? Let's go.
(Walks away with a chuckle. Jo doesn't look entirely assured)
Jo: He just better not screw us over.
(Walks away with a grunt)