Chapter 6
A Random Encounter
Another night, another backstory. Lannius Drasec had managed to further smooth over his social faux-pas' and become more accepted into the party through divulging his life, endeavors, and even his shortcomings. Even Joseph begrudgingly acknowledged the man's sincerity, and whatever outrage he still felt withered away in sleep, though there's no telling if it will remain completely gone. But improved alliances would help the Jedi greatly, as their third day on planet Draconia would prove to be a weird one. How exactly? Just have a look.
(Late morning. The group is strolling through the forest in an uneven line)
Sara: Are you sure we're going the right way?
Will: Remember seeing those distant mountains through that clearing yesterday? The target area is right around there, so those peaks will be our waypoint.
Sara: But are we going the right way still?
Will: I guess. My sense of direction has yet to fail me.
Lann: The number of times I heard that line in movies, I can confidently say you may have invariably jinxed us. Not that I doubt your navigational skills, just stating the likelihood founded on statistical probability.
Rick: Based on fictitious media.
Lann: I'll have you know that my predictions have yet to fail me.
Jo: The number of times I heard that line before.
Anna: (Rubbing head) Can you children not bicker right now; I'm still dealing with a hangover.
Cope: I take it you can't focus that headache away?
Anna: I wouldn't be b***hin' if that wasn't the case. Go on and fix me up.
(As Cope uses the Force to cure Anna's hangover, Gray halts)
Gray: Stop! (Everyone screeches to a stand-still) I smell quarry… over there.
(They follow Gray over to a giant bush. Parting the leaves they see a wide, grassy path occupied by two large yellow wingless dragons with gray stripes over their bodies)
Sally: Didn't we see these guys back in the canyon?
Will: No; those were different.
Sara: What are they doing?
Lann: Foraging it seems. Doesn't look like they noticed us.
Gray: Good. That means we'll get the drop on 'em.
Sylvia: Do we have to? If they aren't in the way, we could just leave them alone.
Lann: As much as I'd want that, they can't be ignored. They're searching for food, meaning there's a chance they'll follow us if they pick up our scent. Legs like those, they'll have no trouble catching up to us. Better and safer to make the first strike while we have the chance.
Sylvia: Okay, I get it. How should it be done, then?
Jo: I say split into two teams; rush them at once so they can't coordinate.
Squishy: How bout we get up close and do silent takedowns? All stealthy-like.
Gray: I'm liking Jo's idea better. Rush in, catch them off guard and go crazy.
Rick: They don't strike me as the timid sort. Rushing them might rile them up.
Squishy: Safer with the stealth approach, I say.
Sam Jackson: Have to agree with Shorty on that one. Not that I'd do anything, but it'd mean less risk of attracting their attention in my direction.
Cope: Perhaps you can be a distraction, so we can get the jump on them while they're chasing you.
Sam Jackson: Oh, being a comedian this fine morning? Just yuck it up, Lurch.
Cope: Huh. That one's new.
Will: Can't believe none of us have thought of that.
Stan: I might have to remember that one.
Cope: Don't.
Gray: Hey, we're wasting valuable bum rush time. They're probably gonna catch wind of us any second now.
Sara: Then why not a compromise? Gray, you could—
(Two thunderous cracks fill the air almost simultaneously. The two dragons drop dead with large holes in their foreheads to the group's surprise)
?: You should just go with the first thing that pops into your head. It's a great time-saver.
(The group turns around and see, standing atop a rock, a lone gunman. He's a hefty sort, wearing glasses, having a multitude of chins, much girth and a belt begging to bust. He's decked in camo attire, covered with a grey combat vest. He holds a sniper rifle of ludicrous proportions at his side, a small trail of smoke rising from its barrel)
Sam Jackson: Who the...?
Will: I want those pants. (Gets weird look from Sara) What? We don't have any camo back at home.
Anna: Who the flick are you?
Guy: Of course, some introduction. The name's John. John Blubsoe. Nice to make your acquaintances, by the way.
Squishy: John Blubsoe… From the Holo-net?
John: That's correct, my little Jawa friend.
Jo: Now I remember: You're that one critic that everyone hates.
John: Yeeeeah, but nobody likes a critic, huh?
Squishy: I don't know: I've read comments online that your criticisms are especially harsh, and not in a helpful, constructive way. As in, primarily insults and personal attacks. I think there had been some death threats as well.
John: Well I can't help it if people are too soft to handle my review process. If the author-slash-creator themselves aren't up to snuff, then what difference does anything they put out make? I'm just trying to weed out the weakest of artists so that the most fortified and worthy can succeed and benefit society through a proliferation of quality work. People are just too sensitive and short-sighted to appreciate what I'm trying to do for them.
Rick: Yikes.
Sally: What's a Holo-net critic doing out here, anyway?
John: Ah, a legitimately relevant question. It's not to report the news, I can tell you that much. Rather, I'm simply here on vacation. A much needed one at that, given some... nasty business I had to deal with at work, recently. My spineless co-workers and the higher executives considered me too big a threat to keep around, and had sicced Dennis Miller on me to put an end to me. Honestly it almost seemed like their cowardly ploy would work, but I proved far too clever. Using my wits I offered my abductor a hard candy and absconded the moment his attention was diverted. I immediately got off Coruscant, though not before grabbing some special equipment. (Caresses rifle) Not many people know that I'm a dead-eye marksman with this thing. I can headshot a fighter pilot in regular space if I had too, which might have been the case if I was going to be followed. But that wasn't the case as my escape left those simpering execs too paralyzed with fear to do anything. Their time will come eventually, oh yes...
Stan: I had heard about Dennis Miller sightings. Guess that made you the cause.
Will: Why are you here of all places?
John: Simple: This planet just popped into existence on the very edge of the galaxy and was bound to be uninhabited (by people anyway), and therefore zero chance of anyone reporting my whereabouts. I thought I could lay low here until the heat died down. The natural quiet of this place really helps in formulating the kinds of intimidation, torture and bloodshed I will unleash with my vendetta against those feckless suits.
All: Riiiiiiiiight…
John: But some hours ago I saw you guys trekking through the woods and decided to follow you for a bit. When I saw you deliberating over your dragon problem, I figured I could lend some help.
Sara: That's awfully nice of you.
John: Not a problem. In fact, it was a pleasure.
Jo: Well we appreciate the help, bud, but we have to be on our way. Come on, guys.
(They start to leave)
John: Wait! (They stop) I see some people in your ranks that I'm not familiar with, i.e. aren't Jedi. Care to introduce them?
Cope: Not sure how that's any concern to you—
Sara: The new guys here are Gray,
Gray: Hi.
Sara: Lannius Drasec,
Lann: Yo.
Sara: And Mr. Samuel Jackson.
Sam Jackson: Hey there.
John: Samuel Jackson? As in THE Samuel Jackson?
Sam Jackson: Yeah, that's me.
John:...I don't see how that's possible.
Sam Jackson: Well your guess is as good as mine as to why I'm still here.
John: Uh-huh. Anyways, I can see you have quite the assortment of tagalongs. Do any of them have the same combat prowess as you Jedi?
Lann: I dare say so, pal. Gray there is a professional slayer, I'm a combat-worthy scholar, and Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson. In other words, we're quite the effective men-at-arms.
John: I see. The reason I ask is that I'm considering joining your group. You all appear specialized for up-close combat, which has a number of disadvantages. I could provide some long-range support with my trusty rifle here to offset that.
Will: Why exactly would you want to come along with us, if you've been roughing it on your own up till now?
John: It's always safer to travel in groups when in a hostile environment, and I could think of it as a hunting party with all the dragons you're bound to run into. Plus there maaaay have been some unsavory critiques about your past exploits I made that I'm hoping to make up for. Perhaps revise them to something considerably more favorable with the help of some proper, firsthand accounts of your heroism. Whaddya say to that?
Jo: Hmmm… Group huddle!
(The Jedi and their guests huddle up. We're kept out of this one and are left watching from John's perspective, who patiently whistles while looking over his hand. The huddle then breaks up)
Sara: Thanks for waiting.
John: No prob.
Jo: The council has come to a decision. You, John Blubsoe, holo-vision critic and expert marksmen... will NOT be joining our party.
(John grins as victory music preemptively plays, but it sputters and grinds to a stop when John registers what he's been told)
John: What?!
Jo: We have more than enough people traveling in this group, all of whom are very much capable of fending for themselves and the others—
Rick: Sam Jackson is debatable.
Lann: Hush!
Sam Jackson: He's not entirely wrong.
Jo: So we feel that adding one more person would complicate our logistics and the like.
Sally: Specifically food.
Squishy: It's nothing personal, but we're at max capacity.
John: Max capacity? Are you serious? It's a planet-sized forest; I don't think space is an issue. I might be big, but so is Mr. Drasec here, and why would you turn down a long-range expert?
Will: We just don't have room for one.
John: How can you not have room for guns? Dragons fly and you need something to bring them down, I mean honestly!
Gray: That hasn't been a problem so far.
John: Okay, just hear me out. (Starts patting self) I have my own set of rations on me, and besides my rifle and the clothes on my back I have nothing that can be a burden to your group. (An envelope falls out of his vest and flops onto the ground, spilling out what appears to be photos) Eeeexcept for those...
Sally: What is that?
Sara: Let's look. (She Force snatches up the photos and envelope)
John: Don't! Put that down!
(Everyone looks over the photos as Sara goes through them)
Cope: What the h**l?
Stan: It's us.
Lann: Interesting…
(Indeed, it's a large number of photos of the Jedi and crew trekking through the jungle from various hidden angles, at varying times of day)
John: That stuff is confidential! You're violating my right to privacy, I'll have you know!
Rick: You've been spying on us?
John: Err, just a little while ago. For reconnaissance purposes—
Sally: And there's us camping!
John: Okay, so I actually came across you guys last night but didn't want to intrude—
Sara: No, there's shots of places we've been to yesterday. Wait, you took a picture of me going to the bathroom?!
Sam Jackson: What the f**k?!
Jo: Let me have a look.
All: JO!
Jo: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But holy crap, seriously?
Anna: I knew it! I told ya he couldn't be trusted!
John: Wait, you said what about me?
Cope: That's irreleva—
John: No! You said I couldn't come because you were at max capacity, but now I'm hearing something else. What exactly did you people discuss?
Jo: Listen, that's not the main issue here—
John: It absolutely is! What she said has rendered your cause for rejection null on the grounds of being total bulls**t. Either that, or she's trying to make herself sound like a pillar of moral integrity, which is a total sham if you recall her past.
Anna: I'm still more trustworthy than you, Peeping Tub!
John: Your slander aside, I demand to know the true reason you didn't want me to come along!
Will: Why are you so hung up on that—
Lann: Well if you really want to know, we were saying how smug and sketchy you looked and how we didn't need some whiny critic, and now that we see that you're a stalking creep on top of that then we absolutely don't want you around.
Sally: Yeah!
Gray: So beat it, bub!
John: Oh, is that how it is? First you insult my intelligence by lying to my face and now you're calling me a creep when I've been nothing but cordial to you up to this point? That sirs and madams is defamation and that's just landed you in some serious legal—
(There's a clack as we see Sam Jackson hold up a Winchester rifle while looking like Marquis Warren from "The Hateful Eight")
Sam Jackson: Now that that lip of yours is all buttoned up, I suggest you turn tail and git before I blow a hole wide enough in your fat belly to fit my black dingus. And yes, it is an impressively wide Johnson.
(John looks ready to start a fight, but backs down with a seething grimace)
John: Okay. I got the hint. I'll let you go about your day, chatting and giggling and breathing in that untainted air of judgmental superiority. But mark my words: this isn't over. Our little dispute will be settled before any of you get off planet, when you least expect it. With that said, here's a courtesy piece of constructive criticism: you seriously need to work on your perception and surveillance skills if a big guy like me could tail you unnoticed these past few days. Utterly lacking is what they are.
(John hefts up his rifle and leaps off into the brush out of sight)
Stan: That got a little intense at the end, don't you guys think?
Anna: Just empty threats from a big-headed correspondent who's been exposed for the slimy sleaseball that he is. I mean can you believe that a**-hole? Takes all these photos in secret and has the nerve to act like he's the victim!
Rick: At least he's easily scared off.
Lann: Thanks to good ol' Intimidation Sam.
Sam Jackson: (Back to normal) Intimidation what? And who's rifle is this?
Will: I'll take that. (Unburdens Sam of his rifle and stuffs it into his clothes) Always wanted one for my collection.
Squishy: Regardless, we should be more alert from here on out. He did raise a good point about us not noticing him.
Cope: Would certainly be embarrassing if he got the jump on us after that.
Sylvia: At least he took care of those dragons for us, which means we can keep going this way.
Gray: Awwww, I didn't get to take out either of them. (weeps)
Sara: There's always next time, Gray. I mean, it's still a planet full of dragons.
Gray: Huh. You're definitely right about that.
Jo: Well let's move out, already.
(They continue their trek away from the site of the random encounter with the spurned critic)