Chapter 7
Orochi
The strange encounter with the sharpshooter critic John Blubsoe left our heroes filled with various questions. Who exactly was this man? What was his true motive for being on the planet? Why all those secretive photos of the Jedi? Would he truly seek retribution in the near future? These questions were soon forgotten, however, as the hunger that had been building since they broke camp that morning eroded all other concerns away. Thus, lunch was in order.
(A forest clearing. Jo is standing by himself, but then others begin coming in from all directions)
Jo: What'd you guys find?
Sara: Me and Anna found some fruit on a nearby tree.
Jo: Swell.
Squishy: I found a crapload of mushrooms under a rock.
Sara: Blegh.
Sally: Me and Stan found some fat juicy grubs.
Anna: Now that's blegh.
Rick: I don't think we'll be having those, Sal.
Sally: Ha! I'm willing to do whatever's necessary for survival, bro, and you're supposed to be the toughest of us three.
Cope: Then we'll be sure to turn to you when we want to try the survivalist lifestyle. If Will doesn't mind.
Will: Why do you need my consent?
Jo: Gray, any luck?
(There's a great thump as a pile of flesh hits the ground, Gray puffing out his chest with a massive grin)
Gray: Dragon meat!
Lann: You found dragons out there? I didn't hear anything.
Gray: I went back and got the two that had been killed. No sense letting good food go to waste, and they're mostly dirt-free!
Jo: But that was miles ago. You honestly walked, ran, all that way and lugged all this just so we could have a decent meal? (Gray nods) You're a good man, Gray.
Sam Jackson: I found a rock... What the f**k's that supposed to mean?
Snoopy: It means pay me royalties, b***h!
(Holds out paws, but Cope punt kicks him out of the clearing. And the crowd goes wild!)
Cope: I never cared for that comic.
Jo: Well, I say we have just about enough. How bout getting a fire going next?
(Anna whips out a Rod of Flame and tosses it onto a leaf pile, which erupts into a strong blaze)
Gray: Now we dig in!
(They sit around the fire and set up cooking racks. After a while everyone is eating cooked meat and fruit, putting them all in good spirits, eating and chatting. At the edge of the clearing, Squishy is happily munching on his mushroom bounty)
Squishy: Man these things are good! Everything seems more pronounced and incredible for some reason. Oh God, I can't get enough of these! You sure you don't want any?
Sam Jackson: Naw you good. (Bites into his leg of dragon) Maybe if you could make it into a sauce, but otherwise no thank you.
Sylvia: Just try to pace yourself, dear. And have some water to drink.
(But Squishy munches on, lost in the fungal flavors and hallucinogenics. The brush near him rustles, and a long, shadowy form slithers silently close to him, but pulls back as Squishy looks around. Seeing nothing, the Jawa shrugs and continues eating. The thing in the brush, however, slithers back out and goes for Squishy's mushroom pile and sniffs them. Then in a swift motion it snatches the pile and retreats. When Squishy reaches for another helping he is surprised at feeling the empty ground. Looking over, he gasps at the absence of his food, before hearing the rustling outside the clearing)
Squishy: (Flipping out) My shrooms! The vegetables have come to take back their own. But I won't let them; they're too d**n delicious!
(Whips out lightsaber and leaps off yelling. He charges through the group, knocking food out of people's hands while cutting whatever food flies at his face)
Jo: Squishy, what the h**l!
Gray: My fixin's!
Cope: D***it, you Jawa!
(Squishy makes it over to the other end of the clearing and begins slicing a path through the foliage)
Gray: Where's he going? He must answer for my fallen feast!
Lann: I say we follow him, and when he stops we beat him with sticks.
Sam Jackson: (Brandishing branch) I'm way down for that!
(They all give chase. In the woods, Squishy continues babbling as he cuts and sears a path through the forest. At some point he reaches an open area and stops, looking around menacingly. The others catch up to him)
Anna: Squishy, what's your flippin' deal, man?
Stan: Why are you freaking out on us, Dad?
Squishy: It was the potato! It had to be; the b***h backstabbed me and told the others! They want me to suffer without my shroomage, but I will find and slice them so no leaves, spuds, roots or whatnot can st—!
Cope: I'm seriously going to slap your mouth off your face!
Sylvia: Squishy calm down! Here, have some pocky and relax. (Pulls some out)
Squishy: (Becomes gleeful) Pocky!
(He takes the biscuit sticks and gobbles them down, having lost his deranged look. Everyone produces anime sweat drops)
Jo: Pocky?
Sylvia: He started liking them some weeks ago, and for some reason they're like a sedative to him. I keep some on me for potential freak-out emergencies.
Sara: Weird.
Cope: Slapping would've been more effective in the long term, I say.
Lann: Well, guess there's no sense beating a man enjoying his snack.
Sam Jackson: But he just went and ruined ours!
Sally: Buuuut he didn't actually hit us.
Sam Jackson:...Fine, whatever. (Drops stick disappointingly) But he d*** well better give me some of that pocky.
Jo: That can be discussed back at the clearing, so let's head there.
(As they're about to leave, some rustling is heard. Squishy stiffens)
Squishy: It's him.
Sylvia: Him who?
Squishy:...The Stash Stealer.
(The rustling gets closer and louder)
Rick: Whatever it is, it sounds big.
(As the rustling nears mumbles are heard)
Stan: What kind of noise is…?
(Then from a large bush in the front of them springs out a great serpentine creature. Its long neck is covered in lots of scales that resemble ancient battle armor. Its face bears two great evil eyes and a long muzzle filled with sharp teeth. It's wearing a helmet atop its head shaped like a flame with a glaring white kanji symbol engraved in it. Overall it has the look of an ancient East Asian dragon painting, aglow in a mythical aura that makes it shine like gold. The creature opens its mouth as though to speak, but every time it does only mutters and half-grunts come out)
Sara: What language is it speaking?
Will: Nothing of this galaxy. Lann, any idea?
Lann: Nothing draconic to my highly-specialized knowledge.
(The beast, becoming frustrated, reaches its head off-screen, bites something, and pulls back to slam down a text bar at the bottom of the screen. Now everything it says becomes closed captioned)
Cope: Huh, like Banjo-Kazooie. Thought it sounded familiar
Dragon: So you are the Outlanders trespassing upon my domain. Small, yet numerous. Like irksome bacteria.
Anna: What the freak are you supposed to be?
Dragon: (Growls) Feeble insects such as yourselves would be wise in presenting oneself in a manner that acknowledges my status. Disrespect will only bring horrific agony upon your lowly lives.
Sara: Well how are we supposed to do that if we don't even know what you are, Mr. Goldypants?
Dragon: Very well. So you may properly conduct yourselves, you have the immense privilege of standing before Orochi: Ruler of Darkness, Bringer of Evil and Death to All. That is how you shall address me whilst you continue living.
Lann: Orochi… Oh that's it: Japanese mythology. You definitely have that oriental look to ya. But you're supposed to have at least seven more heads, aren't you?
Orochi: The nature of my present form needs not explaining to arrogant mortals that invade my land without respect or fear.
Will: Jeez this guy is really full of himself.
Gray: What's that about us trespassing? You own this place?
Orochi: In the Land of the Divine Beasts I am King. My rule is unquestionable, and it allows no asylum for those who enter as unwelcome intruders, yourself included Dragon Slayer.
Sara: You know about Gray?
Orochi: I know about each and every one of you. Anything that walks the earth, swims the rivers or soars the skies I know all there is to know. No thought or intent can escape my piercing gaze, and what I see within all of you serves no use for what I desire.
Lann: Which is?
Orochi: Perfection. The pure dragon essence blanketing this planet has been defiled by you, the Outlander scum. Such unsavory presence must be dealt with.
Squishy: Hey before you get into any more of that, how bout this: Gimme back my freakin' mushrooms! I know you got 'em!
Sylvia: Squishy, I seriously doubt those are important right—
Orochi: Is it mushrooms you seek, Offspring of the Sands? I can grant you an endless bounty of them, among other delights.
Squishy: Huh?
Jo: Whuh?
Orochi: At this moment I feel generous enough to offer you the chance to serve as my Dark Messengers, to spread word of my terrible glory to all other Outlanders. In exchange, your lives will be spared and you shall receive all that you desire: Power, wealth, beverage, anything. All you need to do to accept is pledge undying, unwavering loyalty to Me and Me Alone. To hold me far above all those you had considered gods as your one true Master.
Lann: Beverage, eh? Sounds promising, but then again you are a being of Absolute Evil and I'm more of the Light-sided kind, although maybe if you conjured up a quick sample—
Sally: No! Evil bad!
Jo: You tell him, Sal!
Cope: Screw you and your promise of evil and benefits!
Anna: Yeah! I provide all that and only require being regarded and treated as a queen, so you can take that lousy deal and shove it!
Squishy: I'd never side with the freak that steals my goodies any day of the week, ever!
Sam Jackson: Yeah! F**k off, ugly!
Orochi: I see: The defiance you hold towards the Forces of Dark are not united, but rather consequential. It only takes one strong will to rally the weak into moderate resistance. A pitiful show of unity if I ever did see one.
Rick: Who you calling pitiful? All you're doing is talking.
Squishy: And stealing mushrooms!
Orochi: Still you remain unimpressed, not only of my majestic visage but also of my words. If it is proof of the sincerity of my offer you want, I leave unto you these instructions.
(There's a flash in the sky, and in an instant an arrow with white plumage strikes the ground before Sara. Wrapped around it is a scroll)
Orochi: However, if you still choose to cling to your narrow-minded pursuit of righteousness and balk my generosity still, then I have only this to say: Leave My Land immediately. Depart far from here, for if you do not, my wrath will fall upon you as the falling of stars. And if you even think you can withstand my Judgment, then you are truly deluded. Sayonara, Outlanders. Choose well. (He pulls back and out of sight)
Jo: Hunh. That was something.
Cope: I can't help thinking of the Financer with how much he was talking down to us.
Will: God I'd be so pissed if that had actually been him in some stupid costume.
Sylvia: No. He'd be out boasting and belittling as himself, just like the Contractor.
Rick: Except that time when he didn't.
(Sara has pulled up the arrow and unraveled the scroll from its shaft)
Stan: What's it say?
Gray: Tear it up. There's no way in Hell I'm working for a dragon, especially one so blatantly evil.
Sam Jackson: I agree with you on that.
Sara: Okay. (Tears it up) "Dark Messenger" was a dead giveaway as to his alignment, anyway.
Lann: It's weird. The Orochi of Japanese legend was just some eight-headed serpent that fed on fair maidens and no other ambitions beyond that. This one must be some kind of variant.
Squishy: Wait… He might be...
Sylvia: Might be what, Squishy?
Squishy: I'm pretty sure I've seen him somewhere. Like in a video game.
Anna: That's about your only frame of reference for anything, dude.
Sally: He sounded real ominous there. And also, knowing about us just by sensing us? Pretty creepy.
Cope: Again, it's just threatening words and some archery. Though it'd be prudent to be wary of him in the future, along with that Blubsoe character.
Anna: Duh.
Gray: Anyway, all of this is making me hungry. Can we go back to camp?
Jo: Yes, let's.
Will: Yup.
(They head back)
Gray: Oh, one thing first. (Hits Squishy atop head with his knuckles) That's for spilling my grub. (Moves on)
Squishy: Owww— (Gets shoulder punched by Lann)
Lann: That's for all the unnecessary noise.
(Sam Jackson comes up and whacks Squishy with a stick)
Sam Jackosn: That's because I wanted to, and I won't be f***ing denied a second time.
Squishy: Alright I get it— (Gets knocked down by Cope's foot)
Cope: That's for reminding me why I've always been irked by you.
(They all leave. Squishy gets back up in pain and rejection)
Squishy: Heavy is the price… of partaking in dope mushies.
(Stumbles after the group)