Chapter 8
New Breed
A vow of vengeance from a critic, and an ominous warning from a divine serpent. Things were beginning to get a little more worrisome for our intrepid heroes, but they still pressed on with their journey and put these concerns aside for a later time. Following their meeting with Orochi, the group would march on unimpeded for several hours. But as evening approached, they would soon confront something that would test their very mettle.
(The sky begins entering the twilight phase as we see the men of the group trudging along and chatting)
Jo: You can't honestly be serious can you?
Lann: I am. Though Carmen Electra is a fine piece of a**, I'd still go for Halle Berry any day of the week.
Sam Jackson: And she's got the smarts, too. Maybe a bit too young for me, but a swell package all around.
Will: Yeah, I'd go for her too.
Squishy: (Gasp) What would Sara say?
Will: It's not like I'd actually go for her. It's only guy talk, Squish.
Squishy: Oh, right.
Gray: Say, what kind of gal you into, Squishy? Uh, apart from reptiles.
Cope: That's a dead end line of inquiry. His mind's only been on the one person for years.
Squishy: Because I'm a loving and faithful husband and Sylvia's all I need and want!
Lann: We should take him to a strip club so he can loosen up.
Jo: I know some good joints we can get in easily. Some that could even accommodate his tastes.
Squishy: Blugh?!
(The guys have a good laugh. Over to the girls)
Sara: Okay Anna, your turn. Friend, f**k or kill: Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi and Uwe Boll.
Anna: Uh-uh no way I'm not setting myself up for this nonsense. Besides, that's way too easy.
Sally: You suuure?
(The ladies giggle. Suddenly there is a loud roar that quiets everyone and makes them stop)
Stan: That was a dragon, wasn't it?
Lann: Yep. A pretty strong one from the—
(There's another roar, pained and powerful enough to disorient the group)
Squishy: Gah! My ears!
Anna: What in the heck?!
(Another stronger roar, only words can be heard within it)
Huuuurt!
Gray: Who said that!?
Paaaaain!
Will: That was in my head!
Sylvia: Mine too!
Sam Jackson: The f***in' same!
It is too much! Make it STOOOP!
Jo: My head's seriously gonna split if this keeps up!
Anna: Then let's find the source and shut it down already!
Sally: But where?
(Another pained roar)
Lann: Follow the noise!
(They all stumble around through the woods covering their ears while following the incessant protests. After what seems like forever)
Rick: Gah, I think I'm about deaf! But I think it's over there.
(They break through some brush to discover a clearing, within which they find a sight that makes them stop in their tracks. Laying before them is a massive crimson dragon with rough scales and skin that hung in flaps from around its neck. Its two forelimbs held great leathery wings, and it has a long thick tail with a ragged, rounded end that had the look of smoldering charcoal. Atop its big head are two thick horns above searing yellow eyes. The dragon writhes and twists in crippling pain, letting out roars in random bursts. Kneeling beside the dragon a man in a blue and gray tunic with gray pants, burgundy hair, a shaggy face and missing one eye pets the dragon gently as though trying to soothe it, but seemingly to no avail)
Jo: The h*** did we just walk into?
(The dragon lets off another deafening roar)
Wretched humans! Come to slay me in this horrid state. How typically underhanded, it boils my… wait… Something about them is different. Some feel similar to GRAAAAAAAAH! Cursed AGONYYY!
(The dragon flops a bit)
Cope: I guess that, or rather she, is the one yelling in our heads.
Stan: Is that even possible?
Lann: For her it is. That there is Angelus from the Drakengard series.
Hrh?! How do you know my name? Vile curs invading my m—AAAIIEEEG!
(Angelus wretches some more)
Squishy: Another video game dragon. We've been running into a lot of them so far.
(Another roar)
This vicious thing is carving my insides with searing anguish! I have never experienced such pain in all my life! I just want it to end!
Jo: Dude, what's her deal?
Lann: Uh, yeah, I'd like to know that as well. (To Angelus) Maybe, if possible, you could clarify for us as to what's wrong?
You ignorant vermin, I am pregnant! This accursed spawn is rending my very being and will not relent! THAT is my problem you miserable wastes of bone and flesh! GAAAAAAAA!
(The man next to her holds her neck tight and tries to keep her still)
Cope: A pregnant dragon...
Sylvia: And in labor from the sounds of it.
Lann: (Awestruck) Oh, My, God… Is this real? Am I dreaming? Somebody pinch me I must be dreaming! (Jo comes over and gives a purple nurple) Aghh you b****rd!
Jo: You didn't say where.
Lann: Okay, I'm not dreaming; it's really happening! The first truly authentic eye-witness account of a dragon giving birth, and I'm at ground zero! I get to see it happen! I'm gonna see it lay eggs, or give live birth. (Stops with a shocked expression) Holy s**t… If dragons give live birth… That could change the very foundation of Dragonology, and I'd be the one to report such a discovery! My career would shoot through the roof; I'll be recognized by the entire scientific community! (Points up to sky) In your face, Applied Science Research douchebags! (Gives middle fingers to the sky and laughs madly) Who's the crazy one now, B***hes?! (Goes on celebrating like a mad man)
Sara: Don't know if I feel just as excited about this. Maybe we should go elsewhere and give them some privacy?
YES please go somewhere else and spare me your inane talking and let me languish in peace! Or better still, just drop dead ALL OF YOU!
Lann: (Snaps into focus) What, no no we can't leave! This is a major scientific and historical event that's going down; someone has to be here to observe and record this.
Sam Jackson: I dunno, man. Seems pretty invasive.
INCREDIBLY INVASIVE!
Sam Jackson: Plus I think the baby daddy should be the one here, or some doctor or midwives or some s*** like that.
Lann: Actually, good suggestion! Hey, Angelus, can you tell us who the father is.
Are you serious?
Rick: Really, Lann?
Sara: I'm actually a bit curious about that.
Sally: Me too! And why would he ditch you when his kid's about to be born?
He didn't "ditch" me, he's right here you insufferable buffoons!
Will: Ah, like gathering food or something.
Stan: And that guy right there must be a good friend looking after her while he's away.
NO you utter rambling idiots this man IS the father! Caim is the one who planted this hellish thing in me and made me into this pathetic mass of TORMENT!
(At hearing this everyone goes dead serious)
Jo: That guy… is the father. As in… he knocked you up—
Cope: Impregnated a huge flippin' dragon yep we all heard that correctly.
Sam Jackson: God-D***… That is some real f***ing courage to pull something like that off. That, and the strongest f***in' pelvis in the universe.
Sally: That's if she was on top. They could have done it missionary, or he could've gotten behind her with the tail out of the way. Probably needed to warm her up first. Bet he needed the entire arm for that. Maybe both.
Squishy: Sally! Where's all this coming from?!
Sally: I'm an adult, dad. I'm free to think up any dirty, degenerate thing I want. Lots of people do it, and I bet you and your friends did it when you were younger.
Squishy: Well, yes. It's just, I never expected to hear that kind of stuff from my own daughter…
Sally: Then I guess I'll keep all the fun times I had on tour to myself, heeheehee.
Squishy: *Shocked Father Noises*
Sylvia: Think of your dear father's heart, Sally.
Stan: And your brother's!
(Everyone looks at and waits on Rick)
Rick: Umm… Okay? (Shrug)
Anna: That's seriously TMI under these circumstances, is what I gotta say.
Lann: (Ponders aloud) Hmmm. Didn't think it was possible for humans and dragons to breed, at least conventionally. Maybe it's how the biology in their universe works. Definitely requires further review.
Sylvia: Maybe after this is all over with. If they want us around.
WE DO NOT!
Lann: But, science has to know!
Cope: Science can do just as well watching from a far distance, behind the bushes.
Will: That sounded way wrong, Alex.
Cope: Yes; too late I know this.
(Meanwhile, Gray has been standing and shuddering, making grunts of consternation while one of his eyes twitched)
Will: Hey, Gray, you okay there?
Gray: N, n, n-n-n… It's not right.
Sally: Gray?
Gray: Dragons befriending humans; dragons looking like humans; dragons mating with humans. I, it's gone too far! (Busts out arm blades) I can't take this anymore! I'm putting a stop to this!
(He begins stomping toward Angelus)
Sally: Somebody stop him!
Jo: Hold him down!
(Rick, Will, Lann, Cope, Stan, and even Squishy rush up and grab onto Gray. Their combined weight is enough to hold him in place, but he jerks and grunts in trying to get loose. Nearby, Caim notices the commotion and stands up, brandishing a long red-edged broad sword)
Cope: Get a hold of yourself!
Will: Easy there, easy! Just calm down.
Gray: Let, go of me! I have to, do this!
Stan: He's really strong!
Squishy: Everything's fine, Gray—
Gray: It's not fine! That dragon's gonna birth some hybrid abomination! How can any of you be fine with that?
Rick: Who do you think you've been traveling with all this time, you meat-headed a**hole?
Gray: Shut it! You guys are—
Rick: I recall you wanted to cut us down when you first heard what we were, but then you didn't. What changed your mind?
Gray: That's cuz I know you guys—
Sally: So these two are different only because they're strangers?
Cope: Honestly, even though it's a big nasty-looking dragon we're talking about here—
Watch your d***ed tongue, you emaciated scarecrow!
Cope: What you're wanting to do is in severely poor taste.
Sylvia: Not to mention appalling!
Sally: Yeah!
Gray: But, I, they, it's, it's… (Exasperated, he falls to his knees, bringing the guys down with him) It's all too weird. Dragons aren't supposed to be like this. None of them ever were...
Lann: Well you're not exactly home. Figured you'd have gotten used to it by now.
Sam Jackson: (Looking like Russell Franklin from "Deep Blue Sea") But I know exactly what you mean. Hostile, untamed environment. Sights, too terrible and bizarre to behold. All that can drive anyone to their wits' end, make them lose hope. And with that, they also lose reason. We've all seen how deadly nature can get out here, but it doesn't hold a candle to man. It only takes a little slip for someone to lose control, give in to their basest emotions and utterly decimate all that is around them, friend and foe alike. But, we're all in this together, and must therefore stand together. If we're gonna keep surviving, have any hope of getting back to civilization, we are not going to fight any more! So get yourself together and pull yourself up, otherwise we're all as good as dead.
(Everyone just looks up at Sam Jackson, soaking in his speech. Gray lets out a sigh and eases up)
Gray: You're right. We're a team, and teammates shouldn't go flippin' out. Puts everyone in danger. Yet here I am losing my head again, even when I swore I'd keep it cool. I'm a disgrace…
Sylvia: You didn't hurt anyone, so you can be forgiven.
Squishy: Yeah. And people can crack when presented with the weirdest of things.
Will: And he would know.
Gray: I thought I had learned that when we met. Still, thanks for reigning me in. You're all a swell bunch, and probably the second best group I've had the fortune to roll with.
Cope: That's flattering.
Stan: So since you're calmed down and all I guess we can just let—
NIAAAAAARRRRRGE!
(Everyone shuts up. Caim puts away his sword and goes back to his paramour's neck)
Cope: What is it this time?
It's coming! By the Merciless Watchers it's nearly here!
Jo: Crap, I forgot she was in labor. Nice of you to have stayed quiet about that until now, lady.
Anna: Shut up, Jo! A baby something is on its way and we aren't the least bit prepared!
All: Ah Crikey!
(Everyone starts running around in a panic. Sam Jackson has now donned the dapper look of Stephen from "Django: Unchained")
Sam Jackson: Oh lawdy I don't need no white boys and girls runnin' round makin' no d*** fuss. I brought three generations of Candie men into the world so this great affront to Gawd is in good hands. If someone can whip me up some warm water and a bevvy of towels that'd be swell.
Sara: I got the towels! And also this sponge for some reason!
Squishy: Holy crap a baby's coming oh God I'm losing it uhh uhh uhhhhh! (Gets grabbed by Cope)
Cope: Get a grip, man! You're a father; you've been through this thing before.
Squishy: I-I-I didn't actually get to see it happen! I was in a waiting room the whole time. (Gets dropped by Cope)
Cope: Still you continue finding ways to disappoint me as a person!
Squishy: You try having kids of your own and do better!
Anna: Arguing isn't gonna help at all, guys!
Sally: (Panicking) What to do what to do what to do what to dooooo!
Sylvia: We have more than enough helping hands, sweetie. There's no need to fret.
Rick: Deep breaths, sis. Look away if you need to.
Stan: Good advice.
(Meanwhile, Lann slides to a sitting position next to Caim)
Lann: Don't panic: One of my previous girlfriends was a full-time midwife. Caim, be my wingman. (Caim simply nods) Sara, sponge me up!
Sara: Sponging! (Wipes Lann's forehead with sponge)
Grah! I can feel it getting closer!
Sylvia: We should take positions!
Gray: I've got fire control!
Stan: I'll be waaaay back from the splash zone! (Leaps to nearby bush)
Sam Jackson: (Slipping around back) I got the bizness end. Bring me dem towels!
Sylvia: Coming!
Will: I'm not liking how this is gonna go.
Lann: Breathe Angelus, breathe. Try to relax a bit. Caim, tell her the same.
Relax!? Try harboring a demon in you for months only to have it claw its way out of you, THEN TRY RELAXING!
Lann: Just focus on pushing so it'll end quicker, Angie.
Squishy: Oh she's pushing already? Oh god that's freaking me out more okay deep breaths deep breaths just like Lann said eggghh it's getting hot and head's buzzing oh man oh cripes—
All: Squishy just Chill the F**k OUT!
(Angelus begins groaning with heavy breaths)
Lann: You're doing good, doing good, keep it up keep it up—
Sam Jackson: It looks to be crownin'!
Sylvia: It definitely is!
I can't take it anymore!
Anna: Oi the suspense is killing me!
I'M ABOUT TO BREAK!
Sam Jackson: Oh here it comes!
Jo: She's gonna Blooooooow!
RAAAAAAAAAAAA—
Squishy: AAAAAAAAA—
Cope: YAAAAAAA—
Will: WAAAAAAAA—
Sally: EEEEEEEE—
Sam Jackson: HOOOOOOO—
Sylvia: NEEEEEEEEE—
Gray: GRAAAAAAA—
Sara: AIIIEEEE—
Hank Hill: BWAAAAAA—
Caim: …!
Jo: KAAAAAA—
Stan: MEEEEEE—
Rick: HAAAAA—
Lann: MEEEEE—
Goku: HAAAAAAAAAA!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
(One explosively graphic depiction of birth and many towels later, the clearing is all quiet. The Jedi and friends are standing on one side looking pretty frazzled but relieved. In the middle, Angelus is now standing next to Caim. In Caim's arms he holds a small burgundy blanket, and in it rests a sleeping human-like babe whose skin has a crimson shimmer to it. Both Caim and Angelus look quietly down at their bundle of joy)
Lann: I can safely say the birth was a complete success. Congrats: You're the proud parents of a bonified half-dragon. Yep, the thing I wished I could've been born as. (Begins to tear up) To see one in person… Now I can die happy. (Sniff)
Looking at this creature… I feel a welling of warm emotion. It's almost the same as what I feel when I am with Caim, only this permeates every fiber of my being like a soothing flame.
Sylvia: That's the immense love and affection you have for your child. It's a pretty heady experience at first.
It certainly is. I honestly never thought I was capable of producing motherly affection. My life has been nothing but strife and bloodshed. To imagine contentment in producing so small a thing. It's… such a welcome change.
(She lowers her head and softly licks the face of the child)
Sally: It's just so touching seeing a mom bond like that. I kinda get choked up seeing things like that. (Sniff)
Squishy: Me too, sweetie.
Rick: Hmph.
Anna: Ehhhh, you're a whole family of saps. There's nothing wrong with that, Ricky.
Jo: The kid doesn't look too bad, really.
Gray: He could pass for a normal human.
Will: A glimmery human.
Cope: Yep.
Sam Jackson: (Still in character) I dare say I ain't seen no child come out cleaner den dat. Which is a remarkable thing considerin' how much was gushed out.
Stan: Oh please don't mention that, urk.
You really are all strange. Not just the one named Squishy or what I assume are his kin, or the armored one, but all you humans. While you were discourteous in ignoring my wishes, you did offer some help in bringing our child into the world. And for that at least, you have our appreciation.
Lann: It was no problem. In fact, it was an absolute honor to have assisted.
Gray: Real sorry about me trying to get the jump on you. I've not had the best experience dealing with dragons most my life.
At least you had the humility to apologize. Where we are from, the hearts of men and women were black with greed, power and lust. Even without the corrupting influence of the Watchers, humans engaged in conflicts over the most trivial, shortsighted things. It was in one of these conflicts that I met Caim and became pact-partners with him, bringing peace to the land. But even then the humans betrayed us and sought to keep us apart, eventually leading to our seeming demise. Such acts were why I harbored such spite and hatred for humanity.
However, instead of oblivion or damnation we found ourselves in a strange, otherworldly paradise. I know not how long exactly we wandered here, but Caim stayed with me the entire time, mending my shattered mind and quelling the rage that had long consumed me. In him I could feel trust, security, love, and… other intimate matters. Which inevitably led to this joyous outcome.
Sylvia: That is absolutely wonderful to hear. It sounds like you both truly deserve one another.
(Caim nods his head. Meanwhile, Lann is furiously scribbling notes)
Lann: Fascinating up the wazoo! You two have been wandering here long enough to gestate a half-breed, which would amount to around ten months or more. And this planet has only appeared close to a week ago, which means it didn't just form out of nothingness. It could very well have existed in an alternate dimension and was pulled into ours by some unknown force, or perhaps created from multiple landscapes being slapped together into one sphere. So many theories and possibilities that requires further investigation in fields I have absolutely no specialty in.
Cope: That actually is fascinating.
Whatever miracle or sorcery brought us here matters not to us. This land is rich and bountiful enough for us to raise our son with ease, and no humans around to corrupt his mind and heart. Unless they happened to be as accepting and helpful as yourselves. Then that would be tolerable.
Sara: Any idea what you're gonna name your son?
Lann: Yes! For scientific documentation!
(There's a pause as the happy couple converse telepathically)
We shall name him Nowe. After the young man who helped us reunite and freed us of our past torment. Yes. A truly fitting name.
Jo: Say, uh, it's been great helping you out and talking and all, but we have prior engagements that need attending so we have to be on our way.
Squishy: Are you two alright being alone?
Yes. With my fire and Caim's steel we will utterly destroy any who dare attack us. But thank you again for what you have done. The nature of this realm's human race has put me at ease. Hopefully we may cross paths again, should you return.
Cope: Not sure when that might ever be, but yeah, glad we made a good impression on you.
Sally: So long you two!
Stan: Take care!
Squishy: See ya Caim and Angelus.
Farewell, to all of you. May your travels be safe and swift.
(Caim gives a wave with one of his hands. Everyone says their goodbyes and the group leaves. Yet Stan stays behind thinking)
Stan: Hmmmm… If they could be like that…
Jo: Hey Stan! Don't lag behind!
Stan: Right!
(Catches up with the others. As they're going through the woods)
Gray: Well that was a learning experience.
Sally: Are you alright now, Gray?
Gray: Yep! I now have it all straight. Dragons that just want to be left alone and be with loved ones, good; dragons that cause destruction and act all evil, bad. I'm now set to carry out the truly honorable practice of Dragon Slaying!
Cope: Unless we're dealing with mindless dragons that function solely on instinct.
Rick: Then it's a case of big game hunting.
Gray: Exactly! Honor maintained!
Sam Jackson: (Back to normal) Guess we ditched out on that dude and his dragon. You think their kid came out alright?