Chapter 12
Splish Splash
Though a day of travel was seemingly wasted, the group felt that saving the life of the Song Dragon Sentina had been worthwhile. The prolonged encounter had also left the soul of one member quite tendered: An effect that may or may not play a key role in the future. As for the present, our heroes continued on in hopes that some sign of their progress would make itself apparent real soon. Sooner than they thought, as it turned out.
(Wood walking in the late morning)
Squishy: I'm still—
Cope: Don't talk.
Squishy: Aw…
(Soon they break through a wall of branches and stop)
All: Whoooa…
(Before them is an immense lake, with grassy shores stretching left and right that seemed to go on forever. The sun glistens on its surface, making it all shiny)
Sally: It's so big and gorgeous!
Sam Jackson: Where'd this lake come from?
Will: Remember that time we were on the cliff and we saw that glimmer in the distance? Voilá: here it is.
Stan: Ah dang you serious? We've come that far? Cool!
Anna: I never thought it would be this big. Anyways, now that you know where we are, where's the target in relation to us?
Will: Somewhere over those mountains across the lake. If we walk around the edge then we should reach the base by nighttime.
Squishy: I wonder if it's safe to swim here.
Cope: I don't know but go on in. I ain't getting wet without my trunks.
Sylvia: You could skinny dip.
Cope: I think not!
Jo: I say all the guys in the pool! Hup to it!
Sara: Strip strip strip!
Will: Gotta please the ladies, Alex.
Cope: You guys are a**holes.
(Everyone laughs. Suddenly cuts to far beneath the surface of the lake briefly before switching back)
Jo: Huh?
Anna: What Jo?
Jo: Did you see that?
(The view switches back to underwater, then back to them)
Anna: See what?
Jo: It happened again!
(Now the underwater view is starting to move closer to the surface. Returning)
Cope: What are you talking about?
Jo: Lann! Get over here! (Pulls Lann over to him) Look what's happening!
Lann: What am I suppose to be looking for exactly?
(The view in the water now starts racing up to the surface and goes for the shore)
Jo: There! You saw that?
Lann: I did: The dreaded Aquatic POV.
Will: The whats-it?
Lann: We're about to get some unfriendly company real soon, people.
(At that moment, sections of the lake's surface begin bursting in consecutive sprays, getting closer to the group. When it reaches them there is a torrential blast that produces an immense shower, and from the mist arose a great serpent with gold and silver armor plating covering its long form. It gleams a metallic sheen wherever the sun touches it. A hexagonal hole represented a cannon-like device for a nose. Accompanying the beast is a subtitle: "Mecha Saladramon")
Mecha S.: Who dares tread close to my Watery Domain?
Anna: Another one? I thought we only had the one but NOOO there just so happens to be another domineering snakey-thing that just loves to talk big and thinks everywhere it goes is his "domain". Who's running this dragon and pony show? I demand some frickin' original content!
Mecha S: Uhh, what's twisting her straps?
Will: Errr… straps?
Jo: I think the real question here is what are you doing here twisting her straps and asking who had gone done the strap twisting in the first place.
All: …..?
Mecha S: What's all this drivel? I ask a straightforward question and you go making it weird. Sheesh!
Sara: Could you tell us who you are at least?
Mecha S: Ah, that's more like it! Thank God. Huh-hum. Tremble, peons, for I am the Dope Dagnaster that is: Mecha Saladramon!
Lann: Mecha Saladramon… Wait, that's totally a Digimon name!
Anna: Oh great! So it's a Pokémon knock-off we're dealing with!
Mecha S: Hey! We're not knock-offs! Our set-up is a fully committed, endearing one! We have rock-solid edgy stories that supplement our totally original, believable personalities! Also, we speak actual English instead of repeating our names over and over again.
Jo: Yeah, but all your names end with -mon so that's pretty lame.
Mecha S: Well you can either have an understandable language or sickeningly cute, clever, pun-tastic names. You can't have both.
Lann: Monster Rancher has both.
Mecha S: Monster Rancher is also s***! (*Disclaimer: Monster Rancher is not s***; it's actually a pretty good show, or at least the first season) Anyway, where was I? I have claimed these waters as my new home and driven out or devoured all my competitors so that I am its sole occupant. I have even consumed the almighty Leviathan: Proof that I am this body of water's apex predator!
Squishy: You ate THE Leviathan!? (Gasp) You b****rd!
Mecha S: Indeed I did! He was very slimy in texture, but so was everything else in this lake. Yet with him it was slimier than I prefer. Sorta like eel sushi. Urgh that stuff was funky.
Cope: Hold on! How could something obscure best a Final Fantasy staple like Leviathan?
Mecha : Obscure?! Hold it right there, buddy, I am not obscure! I am one of four Über-strong beasties tasked with messing up an alternate reality into a more oppressed existence! I am blessed with an awesome nose cannon and an ungodly sexy voice! Does any of that sound like something belonging to an obscure character?
Cope: I have never heard of you until now, so yes.
Mecha S: Ohhhh, smart guy, eh? Well let's see you talk smack after seeing THIS!
(The hexagonal hole on his nose glows and a large energy shot fires from it, hitting the shoreline before the group. After the mist settles there is a sizable crater filling with water)
Sam Jackson: Oh shiz-nits…
Mecha S: What do you gotta say about that, doubters?
(Silence)
Sally: Why so tense?
Mecha S: Okay! Flash fry time!
Will: Well, had to kick this showdown off somehow.
Lann: Then without any ado, we brawl!
Mecha S: Be my guest! You'll all be munchies in no time!
(He snarls and lunges with jaws open. The Jedi leap before he gets a bite off and scatter. After going upright, Mecha Saladramon picks his targets and rears his great tail. He then commences the old-fashioned tail slam attack on the strip of shore everyone is on. Our heroes in turn dodge, dip, dive, duck and dodge. Eventually the tail settles on the ground and does sweeping motions. Everyone manages to jump over it except Gray, who is hit full force and swept away. However, at the end of the sweep he manages to hang onto the tail's tip and gets carried away. Mecha S. notices this and swings it around in front of him)
Mecha S: Blasted armored tick! Let go!
Gray: No way! I have the advantage!
Mecha S: My reticulated a**!
(He whips his tail, flinging off Gray. He crashes through a nearby tree's midsection but does a roll and recovers. He then looks down on his hands)
Gray: Dang it. I knew I shouldn't have clipped my claws this week.
Anna: Beauty regrets can wait for some other time!
Mecha S: Indeed it can!
(He begins biting attacks, going after our heroes like a grouper snapping at minnows. He manages to nip one of Sam Jackson's shoes)
Sam Jackson: Hey! You just nicked my Guccis! These things are expensive, y'know!
Mecha S: Bah! Dragon is where it's at, land dweller. Not aqua dragon like myself, I mean the ones that fly. Those kind.
Sam Jackson: I don't need to be taking no fashion advice from some ugly-a** overgrown water snake! And besides, that gold and silver of yours is atrocious to the eyes.
Mecha S: You're one to talk! Your fashion is so unimaginative and mangy, it's as if a banker tossed their grandfather's walking clothes out onto a beggar. A beggar that just happens to do much of his begging in the sewers.
Sam Jackson: You seriously did not just insult my looks with your tacky a** on full display.
Mecha S: I did and I can just as easily do it again, pipsqueak! Whatcha gonna do about it?
Sam Jackson: Oh, what? You don't think I'm intimidating?
Mecha S: Exactly!
Sam Jackson: As in, (cough), you don't consider me a threat?
Mecha S: Not in the slightest. What, am I supposed to recognize your stunted self?
Sam Jackson: Is this f***er for real? Is he seriously still calling me short?
(Mecha S. lowers his head to Sam Jackson's level)
Mecha S: All of you are minuscule before me, but you most especially. What of it?
Sam Jackson: You need to get your eyes checked for one thing. And another, I don't like you breathing on me with your stank fish breath.
Mecha S: Ohhhh, what are you going to do about it?
Sam Jackson: You best just back off where it's safer if you know what's good for ya.
Mecha S: Or what, little trash man?
Sam Jackson: B***h you better take that back.
Mecha S: Then how about monkey?
Sam Jackson: (Goes dead serious) What?
Mecha S: You all look like monkeys, with you being an especially dark, bald one.
Sam Jackson:...Say that again.
Mecha S: Huh?
Sam Jackson: Repeat what you just called me.
Mecha S: You being bald, being horribly dressed, or you looking like some scrunched-faced, coal dark monkey?
Sam Jackson: (Smiles) That's the one.
(He leaps high in the air, headbutting Mecha S.'s chin so hard he reels back with a cry before crashing into the dirt in a daze)
Sam Jackson: I take NO racist bull-s*** talk no matter what f***in' planet or universe I'm in!
Squishy: D**n!
Mecha S: (Dazed) Urrr guuhh gurrr…
Sam Jackson: Oh what's that? Feelin' a little green around your gilded gills all a sudden? Here, let me straighten you the f*** up!
(He grabs Mecha S.'s chin, yanks it out of the ground and slams it back down harder. Then he pulls it back up and delivers a mighty b***h-slap that rends the air like thunder)
Sam Jackson: Feeling more focused now?!
Mecha S: How the He—!?
Sam Jackson: Shut the h*** up! I ain't through yet!
(He then delivers an endless string of powerful b***h-slaps that increase in speed, bringing some serious hurt)
Jo: D********n!
Sylvia: Tell me about it.
Jo: Alright; I mean D************N!
(Now Sam Jackson starts talking with each slap)
Sam Jackson: Don't, you, ever, call, me, a monkey, or, question, my, fashion, credibility, ever, again, you, long-a**, slack-jaw, b***h-a**, mother-f***in', s***head!
(He finishes with a mighty uppercut that knocks Mecha's head right up into the air. The great armored serpent gurgles and roars in pained discombobulation before his whole body gives way and flops into the water with a great splash. After the water settles, he is nowhere in sight)
Cope: Holy crap, Sam Jackson just beat the living s**t out of him!
Anna: What character were you playing that time?
Sam Jackson: Character? What are you talking about?
Gray: Hold on, you mean you just battered that massive serpent as yourself?
Sam Jackson: Who else but me?
Will: Holy s***...
Lann: It's official: Samuel Jackson has just slain his first dragon! All give him his due praise!
Sally: Way to go, Sammy!
Jackie from Jaws 2: (Clapping) Hoo-raaay!
(Suddenly there's an earthen rumbling before great mounds start popping up around the shore until Mecha Saladramon bursts from one of them. Jackie lets out a trademark ear-piercing scream)
Mecha S: Holy crap I forgot how awful that sound is!
(He slams his face down to catch her in his nose cannon, then pulls back and fires her into the ground, leaving nothing but a smoking crater before the Jedi)
Cope: Can't say she didn't deserve it.
Squishy: That scream is still gonna haunt me for years...
Will: No surprise. Anyway…
(Everyone scatters as Mecha starts firing rapid shots. Eventually he retracts into his hole only to pop out from somewhere else)
Mecha S: Behold my secret technique, fools!
Anna: Sucking?
Mecha S: No: Burrowing! (Goes under and pops somewhere new) Much like the ever opportunistic worm, I can zip through dirt as though it were water! No place is safe now; you are all screwed!
Lann: Now you're just setting yourself up for embarrassment making a claim like that.
Mecha S: Grr!
(Burrows back under. He starts emerging and diving repeatedly in different spots, often leaving himself exposed while trying to disorient our heroes. The Jedi try striking his exposed parts but their blows are knocked back)
Stan: His armor's too strong!
Squishy: Our weapons are just too small. Size makes all the difference for this fight. Behold! (Whips out the Giant's Mask!) Now it's an even game! Lann, go forth!
(Tosses mask at Lann, where it lands squarely on his face and starts contorting)
Lann: Grrrr ugh graaa uhh AAAAAAAHHHH!
(There's a flash. When it clears Lann is still himself but the mask is gone. The others appear awestruck)
Emmett Brown: Great Scott!
Anna: He's ginormous!
Stan: Huge!
Jo: What monstrosity have you unleashed, Squishy?!
Squishy: I sorta expected this, but my God he's just so freakin' BIG!
Lann: Well that's fine and good you're still making fun of my weight, a**wipes.
Squishy: Sorry sorry. But yeah, the mask's a bust.
Cope: Guess we had to be in Twinmold's room.
Lann: (Sigh) Screw it. I'll fight a bit.
(He draws his sword and runs at a section of shoreline, but holds and watches the serpent making more plunges and launches)
Lann: Now if I'm correct on this, it should be right about here. (Steps over to a patch of rumbling ground) Volt Sabre!
(His sword electrifies and he pulls it back like a bat and waits. After some seconds Mecha's head pops from the spot, and immediately Lann brings round his blade and bashes him with a great electrical burst. This causes Mecha to shriek and pull his entire self from the ground)
Mecha S: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow shocky shocky bad bad bad OWWY!
(He sploshes back into the lake, then he pops right back up to fire some red laser rings from his cannon. These rings go over everyone's middles and constrict, holding them in place)
Cope: Paralysis rings? Of all the low down, cheap sneak attacks!
(Mecha's head looms over them)
Mecha S: Well this is a major nuisance: You cretins somehow stumbled upon my elemental weakness.
Lann: Wasn't hard to figure out, Mr. Lake Serpent.
Mecha S: Silence! I wanted to toy with you pests a little longer, but now that you know my weakness I can't risk it. It's time I finished you off, you especially, monkey!
Sam Jackson: Oh Mother-F***er I will rip that jaw off and beat your f***in' skull in! (Struggles angrily)
Mecha S: No surprise attacks our of you this time, hahahaha. Now then, the method of your executions will be as lunch. I prefer my meals cooked, so I'll set my cannon to Smokin' Sizzle. Let me just test it, first.
(He looks elsewhere and fires a yellow beam from his nose cannon. The beam hits a dancing Michael Jackson, whose hair erupts into flame as "Thriller" kicks on)
MJ: Oh why do they always have to go with that bit!
(Leaps off a "Random Cliff" with a desperate Heee!)
Mecha S: Yep, it's set. Now prepare for the finest in top-of-the-line roasting-based demises, ever!
(He charges up his cannon, but before he can fire a sweet, breezy note fills the air. This note grows into a soothing, powerful melody similar to Sandbox from "Transistor")
Jo: What is that?
Stan: It, sounds familiar…
(Everything becomes all wavy in a sunny, relaxing manner)
Will: Guys, I'm starting to bomb out here. I might just crash a bit...
Mecha S: (Looking euphoric) Ah man, I'm ridin' a seriously calm vibe, mon. I feel at one with the air and my lungs are full of it and, and like, I'm so in tune with nature now. It's like, so obvious: Free love is where it's at, friends. You should, like, get out there and spread the message, ya dig?
(The rings that have been binding the group waver then disappear, freeing them)
Sara: We're free!
Rick: But what about Space Cake over there?
(Show Mecha just undulating to the music)
Jo: Sam! Finish him off while there's time!
Sam Jackson: Uh uh right! (Picks up Squishy) Give my regards to Hendrix ya doped-up nope rope!
Squishy: Hey what are you doing—WAAAAAAA AIE AIE AIEEEE!
(Sam tosses a flailing Squishy like a football at top speed. He hits Mecha right in the nose, making him roar and collapse into the water, stopping the music and its entrancing aura. Squishy, meanwhile, spins and hits the ground by Sam Jackson. He springs up in a fury)
Squishy: Why the heck did you do that?!
Sam Jackson: B**** I was improvising so shut your godd*** mouth!
Squishy: (Cowed) Yes, sir…
(Mecha rises back up with a vengeance)
Mecha S: You beaned me with a midget and killed my buzz! Screw lunch! It's disintegration for all of you!
(He charges his nose cannon, its blinding glow alerting everyone to ready for the worst. But suddenly a bolt of electricity strikes Mecha, lighting him up in a twitching, brilliant display of crackling agony)
Mecha S: BEERZZIEEEGGGAAAAGERRRRYYYYAAZZZZZKKKRRRRROOOOOBBBBZZZZZZZ FAJA FAJA FAJA FAJA FAJA HURTZ HURTZ HURTZ ZZZZS YOU SHOULD NEVER ARGUE WITH A CRAZY MYMYMYMYMYEEEEEEEEEE!
Billy Joel: Really?
(The plagiarism stops when the current does, leaving Mecha absolutely charred. He gives a pitiful, smoky cough before tilting over and hitting the water with a splash. He lies prone and floating on the surface, making occasional twitches)
Will: Now that's what I call overdone.
?: I say that's crisp enough for his like, honestly.
(The group looks over and spot an elfin Sentina walking toward them)
Stan: Sentina?!
Sentina: Hi Stan. Nice morning, huh?
Jo: Wait, hold on… (Looks between charred Mecha and Sentina pointing) Did you do that?
Sentina: Uh-huh. Pretty surprised? This place has given me plenty opportunity to utilize my natural talents, and I've had to fend for myself for some days before we met.
Lann: You were also the one that played that song and freed us, weren't you?
Sentina: Yuh-huh. I figured the best way I could repay you all for what you've done was get you out of that literal tight spot.
Cope: That was awfully good timing.
Stan: How did you know where we'd be?
Sentina: I saw where you were walking from above. I had thought of flying back and checking on you from up there, see if a chance to pay you back would come up. I knew some strong creature was living in this lake, but I kept back just to see if you could handle it yourself. You did pretty good, until I had to swoop in.
Will: And we really appreciate the intervention.
Jo: Though, in the future, don't hesitate to jump in when we're in a scuffle.
Gray: Yeah. That firepower you got packin' is nearly as devastating as mine.
Sentina: I'm happy you think so, Mr. Dragon Slayer. (Wink) The way around the lake should be clear. That serpent there was the only thing living in these waters, so don't expect anything else to spring out.
Rick: Guess he wasn't kidding when he said he ate everything else.
Sentina: It was good seeing you again, everyone. Maybe next time we cross paths things won't be so hectic.
Sylvia: Hopefully.
Stan: You can always just drop in and say hello. Um, if you ever want to.
Sentina: Hmhmhm, I'll consider. Well, good seeing you. Watch yourselves.
Jo: You do the same.
(She runs off into the woods as the group gives a parting wave)
Lann: And there you have it: Definitive proof that "what comes around goes around" can apply to good deeds.
Squishy: Oh yeah. That's how I like to look at helping others.
Jo: Alright, the way is clear thanks to Sentina. Lead us on, Will.
Will: Right.
(They all leave following Will's direction. After they're gone)
Charred Mecha: Urrrrrrghhhhh… Buuuurns so baaaaad…
(A great shadow pool forms near the barely-alive Mecha)
My time of rule is nearly at hand. Your contribution shall further bolster that realization.
Charred Mecha: Wha…? Who sai' tha…?
(Shadowy tendrils sprout from the pool and begin smothering Mecha, making him scream and struggle in vain as he's absorbed into the inky mass)