Chapter 15
Steppin' Thru
The world of critics is a primal, merciless one, as the Jedi learned firsthand from the fate of John Blubsoe at the hands of Dennis Miller. Although a Sith with an impressive fighting acumen, in the end John's cynicism and nefarious aspirations were no match against the raw might of the Great White Critic. At the very least it meant one less obstacle for our heroes to tackle, and even though they had experienced the loss of three winged allies, they pressed on with the hope that the direction they were following would bring them closer to their objective. In the words of George Michael, "ya gotta have faith".
(The group is marching along through the woods as the sky slowly begins shifting to orange)
Squishy: We've been walking for like ever.
Anna: We've always been walking forever. Tell me something new.
Cope: I thought this was a bad route.
Lann: Everyone is well past caring.
Jo: Any idea how much longer, Will? Morale is starting to wane.
Will: I should be able to tell once we're atop the next hill.
(Soon everyone reaches the hill's crest and stops. Before them they see three large mountains bunched together with forests surrounding their conjoined bases)
Sally: Those are some big peaks.
Will: It's a welcome sight is what it is. I looked through the mission's dossier on the flight here and it said the target was in some mountains. And I'm betting you that those are those mountains.
Stan: You serious?
Squishy: Holy crap, it's so close. This last leg is nothing compared to all the mileage we've been covering so far!
Anna: The Gods grant further mercy! I'm gonna escape with my sanity barely intact once again!
Sam Jackson: Amen to that, sister. I've seen enough messed-up things for a lifetime. Can't wait to teleport up out of here when we take out whatever you're after.
Sylvia: I'm sure we can all use a vacation when this is over.
Will: Definitely. Although there's this glaring little detail that would make that difficult to do.
Sam Jackson: And what would that be, Grizzled Adams?
Will: That.
(Points. The camera pulls back to reveal the long wide straightaway leading to the mountains, which is completely covered in dozens and dozens of wiggly giant dragons)
All: You've Got To Be Kidding Me!
Sam Jackson: Oh F*** just look at all them!
Squishy: It's like a shag rug made of scaly ferociousness!
Sally: It looks endless!
Rick: About as thick as it was over the lake.
Anna: Oy vey!
Will: The kicker is that that's the quickest route to those mountains. Plus it's the only one I know of, so no chance of doubling back and finding an alternative.
Jedi: Crumbs...
Lann: Oh come on, guys. We've faced lots of dragons on the way here. What's a few hundred more?
Gray: Yeah! There's slayin' opportunity here! Let's go get them; it'll be a blast! (Tosses out arm motivatingly)
Group:…..
Gray:…..
Will: Yeeeeah, I'm really not up for that much fighting.
Anna: Ya loony or something, Gray?
Cope: That fight with John has worn me out.
Sara: I'm pretty tired too.
Stan: Same here.
Jo: Stupendously lax.
Sylvia: Me as well.
Sally: My feet hurt.
Rick: Meh, not feeling it.
Squishy: I'd offer you a ridiculous strategy, but I'm drawing a blank. Sorry.
Lann: Oh come on! You're all on a really important mission! You shouldn't be going slack now that you're this close to completing it. What sort of quitters give up right at the end?
Jo: Oh, here's an idea: How bout our guests take care of the dragons and clear the path for us?
Jedi: (Nodding) Yeeeeeah.
Lann: Huh?
Gray: Wha?
Sam Jackson: Run that by me again?
Jo: It makes perfect sense when you think about it. You three haven't done all that much this entire trip, and it's about time you pulled some serious weight for a change.
Three: WHAAT!?
Squishy: Us Jedi can't take all the credit, y'know. Everyone has to put in their equal share.
Sylvia: And it'd make for a great team-building exercise. The three of you working together, those dragons shouldn't stand a chance.
Anna: So drop those mopey faces of yours; you have the honor of performing an important, critical task.
(The three candidates are slack-jawed, looking like frazzled manga characters)
Lann: You can't be serious! I'm a scholar, not a full-time exterminator! My profession is in observing dragons, not slaughtering them! I know I had to do what needed to be done up to this point for survival and progressions sake, but my conscience wouldn't allow me to breathe easily with the deaths of so many of these majestic creatures weighing heavily on it. You're demanding way too much from a sentimental type like moi!
Gray: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-But there's so many of them, I'm talking hundreds! I'm a renowned Dragon Slayer and enjoy killing dragons, and it pains me to admit this, but I could never handle that many on my own. You guys have to lend me a hand or something!
Sam Jackson: Ah H**l no! F**k no, even! I was only supposed to do a short stupid cameo appearance; I never asked to get wrapped up in this bulls***. I'm only an actor; it's a miracle I've been able to survive as long as I have. And I keep having these random blackouts where things happen that I don't remember and right here is the tipping point to my tolerating all this weird-a** s***. Tell you what: I'll just sit this one out and let the actual trained professionals handle things. At least then there'd be a less likely chance of me getting stomped on or eaten again by some f***-all dragon.
Jo: You guys don't seem to realize just how serious a position you're in, so let me put it another way: Either quit your b***hing and kill those dragons, or else...
Gray and Lann: (Nervously) Or else…?
Jo: (Severely) Or else, you will be...
Kicked out of the group
With no mention of your being in this story
Whatsoever!
(Gray and Lann gasp, but Sam Jackson looks nonplussed)
Sam Jackson: That's fine by me. Whatever will get me out of this h**hole quick—
(Gray and Lann wrap Sam Jackson in a hug of hopeless desperation)
Gray and Lann: Aiiiiiieeee! We're SCREWED!
(Manga-nized)
HEEEAAALP!
(In a secret command center, a secretive commander watches this cry for help on secret video)
Kahn: Agents are…
GO!
(Back on Draconia, we see a black Cadillac tearing through the woods. It breaks through the trees and into the air with a "Vrooooom!", where it gets caught in the mouth of a large dragon. From the car leaps three black-suited agents with sunglasses and stylin' hairdos. They land with a flourish in a triangle formation, stand up and the leader whips out a badge)
Elite Beat Agents: Hey!
Mission:
3 v 300?!
Warriors, Strut Your Stuff!
Gray: (Freaking out) Ah man… I'm still tired from the walk. I have to dig real deep for this one!
(Now we get two screens: The top screen shows a hopeless Gray, and on the bottom the agents leap in and release a great groovy star that starts up Blink 182's "All The Small Things", which causes Gray to wave his arms ecstatically)
EBA: Are you ready? 3, 2, 1, GO!
(In the bottom screen numbered bubbles appear and are tapped in tune to the beat. On the top screen we're shown images of Gray cutting and tearing his way through the dragon horde to the upbeat music)
All the, small things
True care, truth brings.
I'll take, one lift
Your ride, best trip.
Always, I know
You'll be, at my show.
Watching, waiting,
Commiserating.
Say it ain't so, I will not go
Turn the lights off, carry me home
(During the Na-Na segment we get a break)
Gray: Mega Dragon SLASH! (He unleashes a slice that clears the path of a good chunk of dragons) Ya-Ha! That's what I'm talking about! (Thumbs up)
O
Lann: I can't commit this atrocity while sober. I need to get smashed, bad!
(Brings up and pops a beer bottle. For his segment of the song Lann's drinking gets progressively more hardcore so that when the beats are hit perfectly he is seen downing a whole keg and other bottles simultaneously. If done poorly, he is seen vomiting)
Late night, come home
Work sucks, I know
She left me roses by the stairs.
Surprises let me knows she cares.
Say it ain't so, I will not go
Turn the lights off, carry me home
(At his break)
Lann: Okay I'm crocked. General O'Leary!
(From the brush an orange hot rod roars out with the Irish flag painted on its roof and blaring the Irish anthem from its horn. Lann jumps in and drives wildly, splattering a great many dragons before stopping)
Lann: All done, *hic*, Abel. (Collapses out of car)
O
Sam Jackson: F*** trying to kill these things. I just gotta survive!
(For the instrumental part of the song Sam Jackson is shown fleeing for his life from dragons to varying degrees of success based on the proficiency of the player. When his break comes a dragon lunges to gobble him up, only to have the top half of its head sliced off. We see that Sam has donned the garb and lightsaber of Mace Windu, and he fires a Force Push that blows away several other dragons)
Sam Jackson: May the Force guide me to victory.
O
Lann: Let's finish it together, men!
Two: Yeah!
(For the final part of the song all three of the guests are waving ecstatically to the beat, and then go about tri-attacking everything still standing. The agents down below still deliver sweet moves as the tap formations reach their most complex. Finally, a great spinner appears, and it spins to fill up a meter and end the sequence at last)
Say it ain't so, I will not go
Turn the lights off, carry me home
Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill
The night will go on, my little windmill
Say it ain't so, I will not go
Turn the lights off, carry me home
Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill
(We return to a single screen again, where we see a sizable group of dragons converging on the three, looking hungry. Suddenly a naked Blink 182 runs across the field, catching the dragons' attention and leading them on a merry chase after the alt-rock band, leaving the path completely empty and our fighters a tad confused. The song peters out)
Sam Jackson: (Back to normal) Did I just see what I just thought I saw?
(The Jedi come up to them)
Cope: You're still alive!
Sally: And you took care of the dragons! Hoo-ray!
Squishy: Way to go, fellas!
Sara: Sammy you were amazing!
Stan: Great driving, Lann!
Will: Gray was plain boss out there!
Gray: (A bit embarrassed) Please please, hold the compliments. It's nothin', really.
Lann: Just doing what we had to do for the group.
Sam Jackson: Uh, don't know if me running for my life is worth applauding. Though I suppose that certifies me as a d*** good distraction if those other two could cover for me.
Jo: I have to say, I was a fool doubting your capabilities. You've proven yourselves to be a downright formidable team, and I've never been gladder to have you on our side.
Lann: We accept your recognition, and are glad to be of service. (Goes to the other two)
Gray: You hear that? He thinks we'd be dangerous working on our own. That has got to be one of the best forms of flattery I ever got.
Sam Jackson: Least I know I can stand a chance when s*** really hits the fan.
Lann: We pulled through through the power of teamwork, and that's what matters. High fives all around!
Gray: Hear hear!
Sam Jackson: Sure, man.
Three: (High fives) Alright! (Thumbs up)
Tally of Scores and Rank
For now:
A
1,756,230
J: Our work here is done. Time to move on and help other weirdos with their problems.
EBA: Huah!
(The agents leap away)
Gray: Uh, who were those guys?
Squishy: Them? They're the Elite Beat Agents: Specialist motivators who aid people through the power of rhythm and dance. Essentially a spiffy cheer squad.
Gray: Were they there the entire time?
Rick: Pretty much.
Sam Jackson: And that didn't strike you as odd?
Will: No; they've been popping up around the galaxy since a few weeks ago.
Lann: Come to think of it, I sorta recall seeing something about it on the news.
Jo: We'll talk about it more while we're moving. The path's clear, so let's see about finishing our mission.
Anna: Yes please!
(Everyone agrees and move onward toward their distant destination)