THE FINAL
SUNSET
(The heroic crew are busy trudging up an uneven trail that's cut through jagged rocks. They soon exit and come out onto an opening amid the formations)
Gray: Whoa…
Will: There it is: Our target destination.
(Dramatic music plays as we behold a great misshapen tower not too far from where everyone is standing. It bears a jagged draconic design with turrets of all kinds sticking out at various angles. At the base around the tower is a mist-filled abyss with a path of rock platforms going from an entrance at the bottom of the tower all the way to the edge of a vast crater)
Sally: If that doesn't scream final dungeon, I don't what will.
Lann: Perhaps that?
(Points upward. Around the top of the tower we see dragons steadily coming out of it and flying into the sky)
Cope: Cor blimey, there's dragons coming out of that place! Huh, guess Will was leading us the right way all along.
Will: My sense of direction has never failed me… well, except for this one time—
Anna: There's no time for amendments; let's just finish this already!
Jo: Yeah, this whole thing has been going on for too d**n long as is. Now hands in the middle.
(Everyone gathers and put their hands together)
Jo: Ready? One, two, three,
Group: Goooooo Steelers!
Jo: Move out!
(They walk for the tower)
Squishy: Ain't it kind of odd that we haven't faced any dragons so far today?
Sam Jackson: Guess the a**-whooping Stan gave to that Orochi b***h was felt by everything else, and ain't NO ONE wants to face off with that.
Stan: Ehhh, heheh, don't expect an encore. I'm a little short on hype.
Rick: Or arousal.
Sally: Heeheehee.
Squishy: Just doesn't feel right, things working out so smoothly right here at the end. I'd feel a little better if something nasty and significantly large would just pop out and attack us.
Sylvia: Please don't jinx us, Squishy. At least suggest something small and not-so-nasty.
Sara: Ooh! You know what be really neat? If a friendly unicorn came out to fight us but really didn't want to, so instead we'd all—
GALBATORIIIIIIX!
Will: That doesn't sound like a unicorn.
Cope: I blame you, Squishy!
Squishy: Whaaaat?
(Screaming in at high speed through the air comes a great muscular creature. When it reaches the group it turns up to stop, creating a whirlwind that buffets the group with strong gusts. The thing flapping before them is a great black dragon of onyx sheen with a ravaged, deranged face, along with horns, scary eyes and a whoppin' big tail, shaking in midair as though raring to explode)
Lann: Whoa, mama.
Are you in league with Galbatorix?
Jo: Galba-what? Galbadia? Gabbledygook?
Cope: Maybe if you spoke a little softer we could hear you better. Screaming is just going to liquefy gray matter.
The peons of Galbatorix must DIE!
(He unleashes a massive burst of black fire that sends everyone running for cover behind a large boulder)
RAAAAA! Galbatorix, you traitorous cur! I will find you and devour your murderous heart! You shall pay, Dragon Killer!
(The dragon flies off in a fury giving off more flame bursts. Behind the rock)
Stan: That thing is freakin' psycho!
Lann: Of course he is, given all that he's been through.
Group: Huh?
Lann: That dragon is Shruikan. He comes from the Eragon universe, same as Saphira. He's the mount of Galbatorix: Deranged Ruler Extraordinaire.
Rick: If that dragon's his ride then why does it want to eat his heart?
Lann: That's the thing: Shruikan was put into royal service against his will. Strong magic kept him obedient while leaving him conscious of his actions. As I don't see Galbatorix on his back, I can assume he's free of his enslavement spells and is rampaging out years of righteous anger and anguish in a whirlwind of s**t fire. And quite frankly, I'd be just as pissed if I'd been in his claws.
(Shruikan unleashes another fire burst that hits the rock)
Gray: That Shruikan fella seems deadset on thinking we work for this Galbatorix dude. We're not getting through unless we take him out.
Lann: Didn't you hear what I just said? The poor guy finally gets his freedom and you want to kill him when he's barely had a chance to breathe?
Anna: Well his breathing is pinning us down behind this stupid rock, so what do you propose we do? Wait for him to tire out and fly on down to Hell to relax, since by then it's a flippin' winter paradise?
Lann: No. A non-lethal approach. Specifically, I'm gonna try talking Shruikan out of his rage. He may be a category five s***storm right now, but there's still some of that deep dragon reasoning buried in there.
Cope: Do you plan on talking to him while you're being roasted or while you're being digested?
Lann: Thanks again for your vote of confidence, Alex. Although you make a fair point: plain talking won't cut it in that state. The only thing he'll acknowledge is force, so I'm gonna have to get out there and knock some sense into him. It'll take a while to calm him down, so that will be your chance to make a break for the tower. Shruikan will be too distracted by me to stop you.
Sara: But that dragon is so ferocious! You can't risk yourself trying to stop it alone!
Lann: I know the most about him, so I'm the most qualified to face him. Besides, whatever's in that tower, you're gonna need all the manpower possible, so no help will be needed.
Sam Jackson: Lann, no offense, but that is some stupid-a** macho noble sacrifice bulls***.
Lann: Certainly seems that way, but it's in keeping with my persona code as a Dragon Scholar: to preserve all forms of dragons, via documentation or conservation. Speaking of, there's one thing you guys can do for me. (Holds out a datapad) This here's the datapad I've been keeping all my notes and observations about this place on. In case I don't make it, bring this to the scientific community. I mean, the heads of every field. And when they've read it, tell them this: Boo-yah!
(Will takes the pad and pockets it)
Jo: While you've been quite the annoyance to me, we won't deny a man's last request. Consider it done.
Sally: (Teary eyed) Oh Lann… You're selling yourself short. You can handle that big angry lizard no problem.
Lann: I appreciate that, Sal. As for the rest of you, it's been an über experience I'll never forget. It's been an honor serving under you Jedi, as well as hanging out. Gray, Sammy-boy, I'm glad I got to make your acquaintances. You're two cool dudes, you definitely SJ. I simply ask you remember me in kind.
Gray: Sure thing, pal.
Sam Jackson: Oh just get on with your fat-a**. The more you talk the more likely you're gonna get killed.
Sylvia: Good luck, Lann.
Squishy: (Teary eyed and waving) Godspeed.
Lann: Thanks, all of you. Now, if you'll excuse me, (Smiles and winks) I got a dragon to tame.
(Draws his sword and leaps over the rock. He dashes across the barren field until he stops before the voracious Shruikan)
Hrrrrh, a knight of the Great Deceiver Galbatorix presents himself!
Lann: I do not serve under Galbatorix, and neither do my comrades! Galbatorix isn't even here, so there's no need for the rampage.
Bah! As though I'm going to believe a lumpy excuse for a foot soldier. You are a bulbous, hairy liar!
Lann: (To self) I just can't get away from the fat jabs. (Aloud) I appreciate you for noticing my luscious head of hair.
Do not make jest of me! I will incinerate you, your allies, and the rest of your wretched army until Galbatorix is mine!
Lann: You are having a tantrum and need to chill out big time! And good thing you put me first on that list of yours, because you're gonna go no further than that.
Sally: Even at Death's Door he's so smooth.
(All the girls swoon)
As if you can pose any significant challenge to me, the Unforgiving Shruikan!
Lann: You'd be pretty surprised how challenging I can be. Observe, as I make the first blow!
(In an instant he leaps at the dragon and smacks his scaly head with the blunt side of his sword, dazing him slightly as Lann touches back down onto the ground with a suave stance)
Lann: See? I'm pretty quick.
WRETCH! I will make you pay for the crimes your "king" has committed!
Lann: Then deal judgment already ya lummox! Words don't do squat in my book.
(Shruikan lets out a furious roar and launches at Lann, only to slam into empty ground. Recovering, he spots the warrior scholar nearby and goes after him. Lann leaps back, leading Shruikan away from the others as he dodges fire breaths and claw swipes. When Shruikan gets up close and personal Lann knocks him back with a wind burst in order to leap up high and take the fight to the air. The two switch between land and aerial combat, pushing and clawing and deflecting in a flashy ballet)
Lann: Come on! I know you got more in ya! Get it all out!
(Soon the combatants are a good distance from the hidey rock)
Jo: Now's our chance.
Cope: Let's move!
(They all run from cover and head for the crater. Sara, however, takes a moment to stop and shake her head)
Sara: Best of luck, Lann.
(She rejoins the other runners)
Lann Has Left The Party.
Obtained Copyright of The Word "Über"
(The group arrives at the edge of the misty abyssal crater)
Jo: We're almost there. Just a few jumps and we're in.
Sally: Platforming, yay!
(They start jumping across the round rock platforms poking out of the mist, except)
Sam Jackson: Oh come on! That's way too much distance and I ain't got your Force bulls*** to make it work.
Gray: Don't worry, I got ya. (Hefts up Sam Jackson)
Sam Jackson: Hey easy there!
(Gray gets to jumping with Sam Jackson on his shoulder. Everyone takes their time, jumping from platform to platform, steadily nearing the tower's base. Midway there, a noise is heard from below, like the beating of heavy wings. Rising from the mist flaps up a huge, grotesque dragon of putrid leathery flesh, a misshapen face and a very ancient must. Everyone stops and turns to look upon the newcomer)
Stan: Whoa!
Will: Now that's an ugly sonovab***h.
Jo: What exactly is that thing supposed to be?
Squishy: I haven't the faintest idea. Hold on, lemme check.
(Pulls out a Time Warner Cable remote and pushes Info. Before the dragon a text bar filled with words pops up)
Squishy: Wyrm, comes from Drakengard, ancient dragon of origin, capable of producing a billion offspring. Interesting… Say WHAT?!
(The Wyrm shakes and lets out a hideous screech, summoning up a dense cloud of black-winged horrors from the mist. Everyone's eyes bulge out)
Sam Jackson: Oh… S**t…..
Jo: Jump AWAY!
Sam Jackson: Hop faster, hop faster Gray!
Gray: Trying!
(Everyone hastily leaps across the remaining platforms as the offspring swarm flies after them. Eventually the group reaches the tower, only to be stopped by a great iron door. Will pounds on it but it doesn't budge)
Will: It's no good! This thing's too thick!
Cope: And there's no time to cut it down!
Williams from Hot Shots Part Deux: Oh God! We're gonna die!
Sam Jackson: Who the f**k?
Stan: We're gonna get torn to shreds!
Sara: But we've come so close! There just has to be something that can be done!
(At that moment, the wall to their right crumbles and busting through appears a great Adonis of a man, with bulging muscles, chiseled abs, a brown afro, thick mustache, and wearing a red speedo. Soviet music plays as the man casually walks over to the door, grabs its sides and tears it off its frame without effort, tossing it aside like cardboard. The heroes are quite bewildered)
Sara: Uhhhhhhhhhh… That's convenient… but—
Anna: No time for explanations just Go!
(They all hurry inside but Sally stays behind)
Sally: Thanks Mr. Slater!
(Runs inside. The muscle man just stands there flexing and posing as the demonic horde comes at him. Meanwhile, the group runs through a great hall lined with marble columns)
Sam Jackson: What the H**l just happened? Who was that dude? And could you please put me down?
Gray: Oh, sure!
(Tosses Sam Jackson, who bounces on the ground before adjusting into an upright running stance)
Will: No clue, but be thankful he showed up.
Sally: He was pretty ripped whoever he was.
Squishy: Yeah, a real beefcake. Though probably nothing compared to that hunky warrior of yours, huh Sylvia?
Sylvia: Honestly? That was just a silly girlhood crush of mine, Squishy! He was older than me and already engaged. Besides, even then he wouldn't look nearly as good in a speedo as you do.
Squishy: Oh honey you're making me blush~.
(Jo stops and freezes, a record scratching as he registers what he just heard)
Jo: Squishy… in a speedo…
(He breaks into uncontrollable vomiting that brings him to the floor, where a puke pool quickly forms. Gray comes back to him)
Gray: Jo! This ain't time for a nap! Come on!
(He grabs one of Jo's legs and runs off at top speed while the Jedi Master continues to vomit. Soon everyone enters an enclosed spiral staircase, where Jo's chin hits every step as he keeps vomiting. After about a minute the group exits the stairs, where Gray abruptly stops, releasing Jo and sending him sliding roughly some feet away. Jo gets up and shakes himself back into composure)
Jo: Owwww my chin.
Anna: Why'd ya stop, Gray?
Gray: That stench… I've smelled it before.
Squishy: A Halo quote. That can't be good.
(They look around, noticing they are standing by the edge of a wide, high vaulted space that has the look of an arena, with a high wall topped with towering columns circling the floor. Between the columns the inky blue/black sky of early night can be seen, along with some gathering black clouds. There is an ominous, windy silence, then suddenly Gray looks up and to the side a moment before a roaring behemoth busts through some pillars and makes a powerful landing in the middle of the arena. The beast is of gargantuan proportions and magnificent appearance: A mixture of red, black and blue scales, domineering black horns, and great black and red wings that has thick claws tipping the joints. The yellow eyes of the dragon look down at the minuscule warriors before roaring again)
Gray: Ardgevald!
Jo: Who?
Gray: The King of Dragons and my greatest quarry! But, I had slain him. How can he be back—
(The great Dragon King bellows another thunderous roar)
Cope: That's one h*** of an obstacle we're gonna have to take on!
Gray: He's not just an obstacle. He's the embodiment of everything I loathe and find challenging in dragons. He hunts the innocent and spreads terror indiscriminately like a cowardly beast. Grrrrrr…. To think he escaped death, just to face me Once Again! (A flame aura erupts around him)
Anna: Whoa! Power-up effects!
Sylvia: He's gotten extra serious.
Gray: All of you, go on without me! This is my fight!
Sara: But Gray—
Gray: I have to finish it! I'm the only one that can, and he knows it! Go on and find the source of these dragons while I keep him busy! I'll catch up once I'm through!
Jo: But it's suicide, man!
Sam Jackson: Not for an accomplished Dragon Slayer, huh Gray?
Gray: D**n right, Samuel! Now Go!
Jo: Fine. You better not die on us, you hear?
Gray: Just go already!
Will: You heard the man! Let's move!
Squishy: Affirmative!
Sally: Yeah!
(They all run around the great dragon, who starts to follow them)
Gray: Hey! Eyes on me; they're not important!
(Ardgevald growls and turns to face Gray)
Gray: I'll admit, I kinda missed hunting and felling your gargantuan hide. Yours was a truly challenging fight, even with my friends helping me. And now you've come back, and this time I have you all to myself!
(Ardgevald gives off another booming roar)
Gray: I'll put you down permanently this round! Come Get Some!
(The Dragon Slayer leaps at his great scaly foe)
Gray Has Left The Party
(Meanwhile, the remaining heroes have made it out of the arena and are hurrying up even more stairs. They eventually step out into a great hall area where they stop to catch their breath)
Anna: Another party member gone. What's the deal?
Rick: I guess this really is the final area.
Sara: I just hope Gray's doing fine without us.
Will: I know he is. It's just like Sam said: He's a Dragon Slayer.
Jo: Let's keep moving, before something else happens.
Stan: Agreed.
(They continue onward. After a while they leave the hall and come into another large room and spot something eye-catching)
Stan: What… Is that?
(Before them, in the center of the high rectangular room, stands a large curved stone pillar full of carvings and cryptic symbols. A great bulging ball of blue energy hovers above it, brimming with electric arcs. From the humming mass entire dragons pop out, flying out of the room through one of the high-vaulted windows on either side of the room)
Jo: That… is what we've been looking for.
Anna: The source of the dragons… About frickin' time! We spent waaaaaaaay too long trying to get to this thing. I almost can't believe we're actually standing here looking at it.
Cope: Becalm your doubtful heart, my love. That is indeed our mission objective within our very literal reach.
Anna: It's… It's almost beautiful to think about. (Starts weeping tears of relief)
Sally: So, uh, how do we turn it off?
Squishy: We're going to have to think on that one, won't we guys?
Will: Yeah, or we could just smash it up.
Sylvia: Sounds way easier.
?: More! Mooore! Yes, there has to be more. The skies still bear vacancy where their magnificent forms should be. Such emptiness will never do! Never!
Group:?
(Looking down we see a cloaked figure in blue, fantasy-esque garbs waving about as though performing a spell or a summoning ritual)
Sylvia: Uh, who are you?
Person: Ey? Intruders!?
(The person whips around, revealing a mean, sinister, old-timer face with a scraggly beard and salt-and-pepper hair)
Person: Bleeeech! How is this possible? This keep is magically fortified! Are you by chance wizards of great skill?
Rick: Yeah. Real hard wizards at that.
Person: Fie! It matters not if this place has been breached; you trespassers are nothing to me. Have you any idea who you are facing at this moment? Answer!
Jo: No, but you're gonna tell us anyway, right?
Person: You scoundrels should be grateful that I permit you this audience! For you see, standing before you is none other than the all-powerful, all-knowing, Tiamat! (Thunder crack)
Group:…
Tiamat:….
Jo:….Elaborate?
Tiamat: What? You never heard of me?! How can this be! All who dwell in the realms of sorcery know my name! All of them I say!
Will: Seems gramps needs some Vicodin before he blows a gasket.
Tiamat: Wait. I know what this is. You are manifestations from a backwater reality, unenlightened and practically prehistoric in the sphere of magic. That's the only logical explanation for how you wouldn't know me. Yet, even so, that is an unacceptable excuse for so insolent an ignorance! But before I smite thee troglodites, I should educate you as to who I am and why you should feel AGONIZINGLY EMBARRASSED at having never known me.
Will: Say, is that Mock Talker in that robe? Did he get rehired or recreated or something?
Sara: Will this is serious!
Tiamat: Indeed it is, madam. Now then, I shall "elaborate" as you so bluntly put it. Uh-hum.
(Flutters cloak for effect) I, the man before you, am considered the most powerful Dragomancer in the entire universe. My hands and mind have generated a whole new genre of dragons to represent the edict of dissidence, greed, malice, bigotry, and of course, pure evil. And I and I only possess the power to summon any dragon from creation. Thus, those who cower before the shadow of every dragon has my image come to mind, for it is through fear my name is carried. Even here, in this unsightly realm, my notoriety for evilness spreads as more and more of my servants fill the air of every world here! Soon I will become the most feared being here, depriving every man, woman and child their sense of security and hope! That is my one goal and it is an unstoppable one, as in it's stoppable by no hand but my own, which will never happen until it is complete! You understand, now?
Will:…..I take back what I called Orochi. You, sir, are the fullest mo-fo we've ever met.
Tiamat: Full? You dare say I'm filled with hot air? My magic is unmatched and my credentials are impeccably sound! If I had been spouting lies all my life then I wouldn't have been tasked with maintaining this Draconian Portal.
Rick: Wait, you were just given the job of running this thing?
Tiamat: Did I say otherwise, boy? Indeed, I was granted the privilege by the Master of this keep. It was he who brought me to this place, and he knew of my reputation let me tell you. Thus in recognizing my cosmic-level mastery, he placed me in charge of bringing more and more dragons into this realm. Which ultimately will be his downfall.
Sara: Huh?
Tiamat: Once the whole galaxy is stuffed with dragons I will rally them into rebellion against him. He may be strong beyond measure, but even one so mythically-endowed as him cannot hope to match the sheer might of dragons numbering in the trillions. Oh yes yes yes, he'll be minced and fried with certainty. Then I'll take my rightful place as King of the Dragoverse, with an eternity of sensuous narcissism to follow anon.
Stan: This guy is completely psychotic about himself, and it's weirding me out.
Jo: It's not just you, but don't forget he's not the main threat here. Someone else is pulling the strings, and I have a pretty good idea who it might be.
Will: So ditch the wacko and move on?
Jo: Yep. The portal dealy can wait.
(They start to leave)
Tiamat: Wait! Where do you think you're going so rudely?
Will: Sorry, but we've got a mission to carry out and you're not top priority at the moment.
Anna: Not worth the time, old top.
Jo: Maybe when we're done we'll deal with you second, k?
(Starts to leave, but a lightning bolt at his feet makes him leap back)
Tiamat: What was that?! Oh no no no no no no no NO! No ones labels ME a second-tier threat! I am the most vile, villainous danger in this entire realm! I'm not some paltry prelude to a final battle: I AM the Final Battle, you hear me?!
Cope: Dude just chill out already. You really need to cut back on the yelling; we've had more than enough of those this afternoon.
Tiamat: I refuse to chill! If anything, I should chill you gutter rats with a high level Ice Spell! Your presumptuousness is insulting, on top of aggravating!
Squishy: We've been associated with those terms plenty before with villains.
Tiamat: And it worsens further! I cannot allow you despicably base persons to roam this existence! I will burn thee until not even atoms are left you moronic, under-evolved, mentally-deficient, dirt-munching, uncultured, non-kosher, infidelic—
Sam Jackson: Okay, now's the time for you to shut your geriatric mouth the f*** up.
Tiamat: Wha-Wha-Whaaat?!
Sam Jackson: All your whiny-a** b***hin' is pissing me the h*** off. And who honestly talks about how great they are at the length you're going? FYI, that's a major turn-off for the ladies. Although given how you look and act, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're one of those miserable virgin types who think themselves too good for a man's or woman's touch. Well newsflash: you're not.
Jedi: BUUUUUUURN!
Sam Jackson: And another thing, you keep hyping yourself up as this all-powerful wizard, waving your magical bulls*** around like it's your d***, although honestly I say you're compensating big time. I'm willing to bet that without that magic of yours you're just a sad sorry old punk-a** cracka more fit to be a footstool than the most feared entity in the universe. You're certainly dressed like one.
OHHH SNAP!
Tiamat: (Fuming) Why I never…. You simpering coal-born rapscallion! How DARE you accuse me of being enfeebled in ANY manner, all to impress your fellow vermin! I'll have you know that I have more physical strength in one palm than you have in your entire being!
Sam Jackson: Care to prove that, you dime store Dumbledore?
Tiamat: OooooooooooooooooooHH! (Slaps face repeatedly) A challenge, then! Fisticuffs; you and I! A gentlemen's duel to the death! No magic whatsoever: Just my five fingers all up in your insolent face!
Sam Jackson: Heh, too easy. (Cracks knuckles and neck) I suppose I can go for a quick bout. Somebody has to smack ya up into something presentable, anyway.
Tiamat: Oh we'll be seeing who will receive the smacking you bald ape!
Squishy: Sam, you sure you know what you're getting into?
Sally: Looks can be deceiving.
Sam Jackson: Listen guys, when you've been around LA as long as I have, you can tell who's for real and who's a chump. (Points) And that right there, is a bona-f***ing-fide chump.
(Tiamat does some mock kung-fu in preparation)
Anna: Darn. He knows how to call them.
Sam Jackson: You go on and face the big boss; this one will be quick. I may even have time to go fetch Gray.
Jo: Alright, you give him h***.
Sara: Just don't get hurt, okay Sammy?
Sam Jackson: It's all good, girl. I'm Samuel L. Mother-F**king Jackson after all, right?
Sara: You certainly are.
Will: Good luck.
Sam Jackson: Thanks. Same goes to the rest of you. Oh, and Stan? (Pounds chest and sticks out fist) Make sure you kick more of that a**.
Stan: Sure. Uhhh, (repeats gesture) Respect.
Sam Jackosn: (Chuckles) Go on, get out of here.
(The Jedi give him a thumbs up and then make for the exit at the other end of the room. With them gone, Sam Jackson looks to his opponent)
Sam Jackson: Welp, time to do business. (Approaches Tiamat, who raises his dukes)
Tiamat: You ready to die, worm?
Sam Jackson: I'd ask you the same, but it already appears you have a foot in the grave. How convenient.
Tiamat: Mock not my age; it is a reflection of the experience and wrath that I hold and that which mortals can only dream of comprehending. And you are about to taste the full, raw blunt of it, for all who insults and therefore underestimates the tremendously terrifying Tiamat are met with agony unrelenti—(Gets b**** slapped) Did you just slap me?
Sam Jackson: As a matter of fact, I did. Good to know you still got feeling in those saggy cheeks of yours.
Tiamat: You infuriatingly daft mahogany scoundrel! Such disrespect shall not go unpunished— (Gets slapped on the other cheek)
Sam Jackson: I'm sorry, did I just break your concentration? Heh, I always wanted to say that in real life.
Tiamat: Will you stop doing that and— (Slapped on other cheek) Agh, tender!
Sam Jackson: And what, huh?
Tiamat: Quit doing that you—! (Slapped again)
Sam Jackson: How bout stop talkin' and fight me already ya wrinkled p****y.
Tiamat: RAAAAAAAAHHHH!
(Tiamat leaps at Sam Jackson, right as we cut to the Jedi hurrying along deeper into the keep. We switch back to Sam Jackson as he's holding back a flailing Tiamat who is trying to claw at him like a wet cat but his arms are too short to reach, so Sam just slams him into a pillar before smacking him to the ground. Quick cut back to the Jedi, then back to the "fight" where Tiamat is dazed on the ground, until Sam kicks him hard enough in the butt to make him stand again, at which point Sam grabs what little hair he has on his head)
Tiamat: Yaiee! Release my hair, fiend!
(Sam Jackson yanks him over to a section of shag carpeting)
Sam Jackson: As I'm feeling oh so benevolent this fine evening, Imma give you some pointers on how to treat a lady right. Starting with how to eat CARPET!
(Rams and rubs Tiamat's face into the carpet, the old wizard crying out and struggling to get away)
Tiamat: Gaah, rug burn! Pfffff!
Samuel L. Jackson Has Biggity Bounced
(Seeing how that situation is under control, we turn to the Jedi as they reach the entryway leading into the final room: The peak of the tower. It is a round room like the arena from before, except there's no enclosing wall and it's one quarter the size. Across from the Jedi is a large marble throne, upon which sits the albino despot that had once been the King of all Koopas: Bowser. He's mostly unchanged from the last encounter, except that his eyes are deep white blanks and his scales are a lot smoother and whiter. He sits erect and regal, arms on the rests, two great wings folded, and long tail sticking from his side and lying curled on the ground. Intense silence prevails as the two sides glare at each other, disrupted only by the crackle of thunder from the clouds outside)
Bowser: You have come at last. I knew it was a matter of time, but it's taken rather longer than I had expected from you.
Sylvia: (Serious) Bowser.
Bowser: What do you think of the kingdom that I have created? (Spreads arms) It took quite the mustering of willpower to produce such a lush, thriving land. I hope you found it pleasing.
Jo: We're not here to make small talk, Bowser. We're going to put you down a second time.
Will: By order of the Republic we are hereby shutting down your dragon immigration operations for the restoration of peace and order to the galaxy. As a precautionary step to ensure further disorder will be avoided, you are to be executed as well.
Anna: Plus with the Hell your dumb planet put us through we're gonna make it hurt even more!
Bowser: (Calmly) I understand clearly. You've undoubtedly faced many struggles, some losses, a sacrifice or two. Indeed, whatever quarrel you hold is justified. However, as to the fulfillment of your task, I'm afraid there's no guarantee to its success.
Rick: Really? What makes you so sure?
Bowser: Hmmm, other than the unimaginable power I hold within me, there is just one little detail being overlooked. You wish for no future incursions, which means removal of the individual behind this incident: Bowser, myself. However, there is one critical issue. You see, in truth… I'm not actually Bowser.
Jo: …...What?
Bowser?: Hard to believe, but this personage is a sham; a mere masquerade, hiding the true culprit responsible for this crisis. The real Bowser is hidden away, overshadowed by the will of this body's possessor, whom you are speaking to right now.
Sylvia: Then, if that's true… who are you?
Bowser?: Hmmmmm. I believe the one best suited to answer that would be... Ah yes. Squishy.
(All eyes turn to the Jawa)
Squishy: Huh? Me?
Bowser?: Come now. You should've sensed it when you stepped into this tower. That feeling of spiritual magnetism. After all, you and I had been one, if only briefly. And it was something of a… symbiotic agreement.
Squishy: (Realization strikes) No… That… How is that possible?
Bowser?: Don't deny it. I know you're feeling that inner attraction to me, because I'm experiencing the same. I'm actually rather hurt by the tone in your voice. I thought you would be ecstatic at seeing me intact, in a sense.
Jo: Squishy, what's he talkin' about?
Squishy: It's… It's unbelievable...
Sally: Dad?
Bowser?: As a matter of fact, you should all be able to recognize me on some subconscious level. You were all there for my creation… as well as my separation. Funny enough, all of you are the very reason I sit before you now.
(An image of a giant black cloaked dragon flashes before him a moment before vanishing. The other Jedi are also struck with realization)
Anna: No way.
Will: You seriously mean..?
Stan: Holy crap…..
Cope: Dear god...
Bowser?: That's right: I was Squishy's Supreme Dragon Form, Unnamed.
Squishy: But I went back to myself back then. That other body disappeared.
Unnamed: That's where you're mistaken. All you did then was separate your mind and essence; the shell still remained, though intangible.
Jedi: Huuuuh?!
Unnamed: All those years ago you left that site believing all was said and done. What you never suspected was that the creature you "bested" contained so much raw divinity that even its soulless body held a will of its own. The moment you returned to your former self, I came into being. Without a guiding intellect I was left wandering, flitting through planes of existence aimlessly, until finally deciding on recapturing that abandoned promise of glory. To do that, I needed a vessel to implant my consciousness into, which came quite easily as you can see. (Stands up and flexes arms) This… subject, was already a cripple when I came upon him. Along with several missing appendages, his mind was mostly senseless drivel centered around conquest and personal inadequacies. Upon possessing him I made his body whole, which he accepted without question. I then slowly fed him instructions on how to make him more powerful through the consumption of Dragonite, but in truth the stones were only empowering me and weakening his already shabby mental faculties. Soon the time arrived when I was at near-full strength and capable of opening a rift from which I could bring forth my lesser brethren. Their appearance proved an effective enough diversion to allow me the time to rest on this planet I created in order to steadily regenerate the last of my divinity. I have reached that point some time ago, and was simply waiting for your arrival.
Will: Godd***. Outplayed and never even knowing about it.
Unnamed: Quite so. And once I've shed this constrictive form, Squishy, you will come to regret parting ways with me!
Squishy: No! I never wanted to be a part of anything to begin with. I just wanted to go back home to my family; not be some big nasty dragon.
Unnamed: Hrmph, pitiful. You were on the cusp of absolute greatness, one small step from ultimate glory, but you abandoned it at the behest of your feeble emotions and homesickness! We could have been one of the greatest things ever conceived, yet you left me to crumble into dust. And for that alone, I can never forgive you.
You never bothered to consider what that new existence could offer. This, all of this, I had done to show you what you ran away from. The summoning of dragons, the galaxy in an uproar of fear and survival, all of it a mere taste of what could have been at your claw tips. Then again, it's probably best you lacked that foresight. Power such as this would be wasted in the hands of those lacking the ambition and drive to rule over all, and fate had decided that I am the best suited to wield it!
Sara: Uh-oh. He's getting megalomaniacal.
Squishy: Listen! I'm sorry I didn't know you were self-aware. Let's just talk this out—
Unnamed: The time for talk is over! You had your chance for domination and wasted it. Now the time has finally come to unveil my ultimate form and reap your regrets and dismay! Behold Perfection!
(The Bowser look-alike shudders as his wings grow with a sickening crunch. A screeching roar is heard as it doubles over and some round mass rises up and pulls out from the spiny shell. The mass assumes shape and texture, forming scales and claws and growing ever greater in size. In no time the mass has completely left Bowser and taken on the form of a massive pure white dragon, its size making it cramped in the room and its eyes flaring with power. The Jedi are completely awestruck at the appearance of such a marvelous, frightening wonder. At the dragon's feet, a clueless Bowser slowly stands up, rubbing his head and back to his original colors and regular limbs)
Bowser: Ah man…. What did I do last night?
(He notices the Jedi and follows their gaze up toward the dragon, which makes him leap back in fright)
Bowser: Graa-Aaaah! Where did that guy come from?! And wait, didn't I have those wings?
(The dragon lifts a great foot and hangs it over Bowser, who sighs in resignation)
Bowser: It's never my day here—
(He gets smooshed. The dragon rears back its head, roars, and then holds its gaping mouth before the Jedi. Suddenly the dragon breathes in deep and a powerful vortex fills its maw. FFVI's "Metamorphosis" plays as the Jedi immediately get sucked into the dragon's mouth, and it doesn't end there. The dragon sucks even harder, causing the tower to shake and rumble and finally collapse into its gullet. The tower is soon devoured, followed by the surrounding landscape which is also sucked in by the growing dragon. The monstrosity keeps getting more and more immense until it completely consumes the entirety of Draconia, followed by the nearby sun, moons, stars, and eventually the entire galaxy! Even when everything is gone the dragon keeps sucking, until a familiar bespectacled fellow is pulled onscreen, though he desperately clings to the screen's edge)
Cont: Wait! I'm not supposed to be in this trilogy! WAAAAAA—
(The Contractor loses his grip and gets sucked in as well. Finally, the camera loosens and is pulled in, where we get a shot of the dragon's throat before silent darkness encases it)
Betcha didn't see that one comin', didja? Didn't think so. Heh heh heh...
TO BE CONTINUED?