Steve Warz: Trilogy 10

by The Compendium of Steve

This is it: The Big One. The largest trilogy to date by a wiiiiiiide margin! The appearance of a mysterious space mineral and an old foe sets into motion the largest, weirdest, and most bombastic adventure the Jedi and even the whole galaxy has ever witnessed! Just when you think you figured it out... it gets crazier. Here Be Dragons, dear reader. And then some.

23. Episode 3

Steve Warz

Episode [Gaze]:

Eye of The Interloper

My God, where to even begin? I suppose that prologue would be a good place to start.

As mentioned by our dearly departed news anchor, the galaxy has met a fate never before imagined: Consumption. Despite the efforts and struggles of our heroic Jedi and their three special guests on the planet Draconia, they failed to stop the mastermind Unnamed, and have been sucked along with the rest of the universe into his unfathomable stomach. Every celestial body in the galaxy has been bunched together to form hundreds of planetoids, with native species of separate worlds finding themselves face to face with distant friends and enemies.

But rather than a time of violence and unrest, all is very tranquil as sentient beings of all walks of life stare motionless at the sun in the center of the stomach. While its a welcome deviation from the norm for most, it isn't the most acceptable resolution to the dragon incursion as far as the battered and grossly-weary Jedi were concerned. After getting some rest and recuperation from their near-weeklong ordeal, they headed out in search of the Republic leaders, somehow unaffected by the entrancing rays of the false sun. In little time they came across someone of importance, and thus asked for some help in dealing with this phenomenon. However, the reply they got was not to their liking. At all…

Cope: What do you mean, "No"?

Governor: I'm sorry, but I don't see a need to look further into this thing.

Anna: You serious? You're the freakin' governor; your whole Republic is in total bedlam!

Governor: (Looks around) I don't see anything wrong.

Jo: Then you need your eyes checked, Governor! Everything's been flipped around and smashed together out there and nobody's doing anything about it!

Governor: And why should they? Sure, I'm still unsure exactly how everything got this way, yet everything is so calm and quiet. I've never had peace like this back on regular Coruscant. It was all noise, pollution and toilet paparazzi. But now it seems everything's for the better, so why fix something that isn't broken?

Anna: But it is broken! That's the point!

Will: Look, there's more to this thing than absolute peace. We've been on Draconia fighting these dragons—

Governor: And I appreciate your hard work. However, even the dragons are all peachy with everything, so no fuss, eh?

Will: That's not it. We saw the creature that did this. If it could make the whole galaxy what it is now, why did it stop?

Rick: I seriously doubt it did it for our benefits.

Sylvia: This thing may be plotting something worse for us, which is why we need your specialists to figure out what that something could be.

Governor: Sorry; I'd really like to help you, but my hands are tied here. I'm relaxed, without a care in the world, and I have no means of ordering a military reassignment so you're on your own.

Cope: Uh, there's a working military transceiver right there. (Points to a buzzing machine)

Governor: Yeah, but it's like, five feet away and I'm real comfortable just sitting here. Oh, and just so there's no further argument, (Pulls out a remote and pushes a button. The transceiver detonates) There: Now there can't be any disturbance to the peace.

Jo: What the heck, man?!

Anna: You no good lazy spineless bald flabby sponge! God why did we ever elect you?

Squishy: Don't look at me; I voted for Nader. (Everyone gives him an evil eye) Oh… sorry. Nevermind.

Sally: This is seriously out of whack.

Stan: Definitely.

Jo: Argh! C'mon guys; we're getting nowhere with this dead weight.

(They leave. But Anna runs back, picks up Gov and knees him in the groin)

Anna: Putz! (Goes away)

Governor: (Writhing on ground) It's all… good, in da hood….. Urk…

(We now get a panoramic view of the galaxy as it is. We see multitudes of multicolored, varied-sized planetoid orbs hanging close to one another at varying distances from the great white sun. The edges of the great stomach takes the place of the night sky, thus giving everything a somewhat pink, muted tone. On one little planetoid the Jedi regroup)

Sara: Where ya been, Anna?

Anna: Oh, making some parting touches. Man I just can't believe that guy! He's become some sort of lazy hippie!

Rick: Everyone's become a lazy hippie. Everywhere we've been it's nothing but people and dragons sitting around doing nothing, except stare at that sun.

Squishy: There's something odd about the rays it gives off. Yet how come we're not affected?

Will: No clue, and it doesn't look like anyone else wishes to care, not even our own government and military as far as I know.

Sylvia: Speaking of which, whatever did happen to Chris and his troops?

Cope: I honestly don't care, and neither does the audience I think.

(Whole audience nods heads lazily, also transfixed by the sun)

Will: God, even the audience is zoned out.

Jo: Well only asking questions and being meta won't help get things back to normal.

Stan: So I say we solve this mystery ourselves! (Pose)

Anna: Like with every other time?

Jedi: Sigh….

Sara: So where do we start?

Jo: I think it goes without saying that getting out of this dragon should be top priority. Now, since there's no sign of a throat or even rectal passage out of here—

Cope: Thank God.

Jo: Then the next best thing would be to get to the edge and cut our way out.

Anna: A gory excavation, whoopee!

Sally: Gory? Yuck.

Jo: We'll worry about that once we get there. Let's head out…. that direction.

Squishy: On the road again.

(They leave as "On The Road Again" plays)

Cope: God-d***it, Squishy.

(They walk across the planetoid and leap off to another and repeat when reaching the other side and so on. Along the way they pass groups of people either sitting or standing still looking past the Jedi and up toward the sun. And despite what the audience says, we're gonna have ourselves a quick bonus scene! For just over the crest of one nearby planetoid we find the decorated, hairy general Chris sitting on his rump looking up at the sun. And he's not alone, for laying down next to him is a very chilled-out Krayt dragon, still terrifyingly massive but otherwise nonthreatening)

Chris: You know, just sitting down, stopping to really think about things, it's all kind of a drag. The way life is, I mean. (Krayt dragon murmurs) Like, whatever kind of life you choose, there's all these expectations that are put upon you. Me for example: being this big shot general, I'm expected to keep the peace and quell rebellions and act as a, you know, model sort of person. Puts you under all this pressure on top of all the other stressful stuff I have to do. Do paperwork, attend functions, negotiate escort prices. Nobody considers that. (Krayt dragon murmurs in agreement) Yeah, and you probably gotta meet expectations, too. Stomp around, eat up caravans, act all angry when you don't really feel up to it. There's days I don't feel up to being a general, but I gotta do it anyway cuz that's what I signed up for. (Krayt dragon nods emphatically) It's just really good to have these moments where everything stops and you can get things off your chest, really take stock of things. Those moments are exceedingly rare, and far too often underappreciated. Or wasted.

(The Krayt dragon lets out a burble as a bulge appears in its throat)

Soldier: General Chris, is that you? We've been stumbling around in darkness for days and only just now found the throat. Spalding has lost a leg, everyone's slowly digesting and we're running low on oxygen. Please keep talking so we can make for the mouth, sir!

Chris: Oh, sounds like you're having some indigestion there. (Gets up and goes over to dragon) Let me help you with that. (Begins massaging the lump in the throat)

Soldier: Wait, what's happening? Everything's loosening up.

Chris: Just a little bit more, buddy.

Soldier: Wait General NOOO—!

(The bulge gets swallowed, allowing the Krayt dragon to sigh in relief)

Chris: There ya go. (Sits back down) Yep. A gooood time to forget it all.

(Back to the Jedi, after some traversing they come upon a seemingly barren planetoid)

Will: Check it out: It's Gray.

(Not too far from them we see the armored, dragon-looking Dragon Slayer sitting and looking down at the ground as though in thought)

Jo: Really? Hey Gray!

(Waves as the others continue toward him. Gray finally notices them)

Gray: Huh? Ha, you guys are alright!

(The Jedi reach him)

Sara: Of course we're alright; we're professionals at surviving danger.

Will: It's good to see you survived fighting that Ardgevald guy.

Gray: Heh, it takes a lot more than bigger dragons to stop this slayer.

Sylvia: So how was the battle when we left?

Gray: It was routinely epic. I dodged, healed, struck and won eventually. It was worth it for the most part, except the only thing I got to remember the battle by is his tongue.

(Whips out a severed dragon tongue)

Sally: Eww!

Jo: You kept that thing in your pants this whole time?

Squishy: Aie, did you have that sterilized at least?

Cope: Put that thing away before we breathe in mono or something!

(Gray puts the tongue away)

Gray: It's not disease-riddled or anything; it's just what was left of Ardgevald after I slayed him. It's a major ripoff considering how much effort I put into killing him. Sure, this same exact thing happened the last time I beat him, but I was hoping it would be something different this time.

Will: So, severed collectibles aside, what have you been doing after that?

Gray: Nothing really. Not long after winning I get pulled in by some great force and found myself in this strange place. I looked for you guys for a while but couldn't find ya's, and since the dragons around here weren't doing anything, I saw no point in fighting them. So I've been sitting around thinking of things to do, and then you showed up.

Squishy: Thinking of things to do? Well you're in luck: We were just on our way to finding out how to get out of this mess.

Stan: You could tag along with us again.

Sara: The extra help would be appreciated yet again, plus you'd be doing something other than sitting around.

Gray: Eh, I'll pass.

Jo: Huh? Why?

Gray: I've done enough crazy things while traveling with you guys, and now things have become weirder. All this change is tuckering me out, and to be honest I don't feel like seeing anymore surprises. I'd like to help, but I've had enough of this place, no offense.

Anna: (Sigh) None taken. I suppose most people have their limits, and unfortunately I haven't found mine yet.

Sylvia: Besides, it's really our problem. You were brought here without your say in it and decided to help us out. It's understandable if you don't want to do anything more.

Sally: I'll miss having you with us, though.

Will: Same here, but if you don't want to come then that's fine.

Gray: Thanks for not pressuring me or anything; I really appreciate it. I just need time to think some things out, get things straight, that kinda stuff. Thanks for understanding.

Jo: No prob. Anyway, maybe when we're done, we'll bump into each other again.

Gray: Yeah. Good luck with your mission.

Sara: Thanks Gray. Well, see ya.

Gray: See ya, Sara, and everyone.

(They bid farewells and leave. After a bit)

Cope: What was that all about? Why did we just leave him there? "Gotta think things out"—that excuse is so lame!

Will: Lay off it, Alex. The guy's had enough of fighting, couldn't you tell?

Cope: Bull crap! I bet he's just satisfied slaying that one Archibarchi dragon and decided to say "screw it all" like everyone else.

Jo: Well he has every right to think and act that way. Like Sylv said, he was brought here without consent. He wasn't obligated to fight with us in the first place; there's no reason to press him into further service like some militiaman.

Squishy: If he wants to chill, we let him chill. And value all the wonderful memories we made.

Cope: You know he's saved your tiny butt a bunch of times these past couple of days, right?

Anna: And yours as well, Alex.

Stan: Darn it! I forgot to ask Gray if he's seen Sentina.

Jo: Sentina? Oh, I'm pretty sure she's fine.

Stan: Um, how would you—?

Sylvia: No one is fighting now, Stan. She's safer here than on Draconia. Besides, she can handle herself if someone were to start something.

Sally: And whatever she couldn't handle, you sliced and diced them out of the picture!

Stan: Aww, gee...

Cope: You can worry about her later. Right now there's a more pressing task to undertake.

Stan: Right, I know.

(They continue on across more planetoids in silence, passing more relaxed persons. Eventually)

Sara: Haven't we seen that dragon from somewhere before?

(They stop upon noticing a great black dragon sitting and staring at the sun)

Squishy: Oh crap, it's that Shruikan guy!

?: That he is, but stay cool. He hasn't done anything.

(Walking up to them is the husky Dragon Scholar Lannius Drasec)

Girls: Lann!

Jo: Oh god it's him again.

Lann: Yeah, it's me again, Jo. So nice to see how concerned you were about my well-being. I spend hours trying to find you and the others and all too eagerly you're looking to shrug me off. Real caring of you.

Sara: Well the rest of us are happy to see you again, at least.

Lann: Thanks, Sara. You always know the right thing to say. (Sara swoons)

Squishy: So how ya hangin', Lann?

Lann: Pretty loosely, Squish: Just hows I likes it. Although I'm somewhat bothered.

Sally: By what?

Lann: Everything. You know: the planetoids, lack of stars, everything looking pink, people doing absolutely nothing. It actually freaks me out seeing everyone so chill, including all the dragons. Almost like their very wills have been sucked up into that sun. Still, at least the vibe of this new galaxy is helping Shruikan stay chill. So, where's Gray and Sammy-boy?

Will: Gray is alright, though he's sitting this one out. We don't know what happened to Sam when we left him to fight Tiamat.

Lann: Tiamat? Like, the five-headed goddess of evil Tiamat?

Sally: No: Just some weird old dude who kept yelling about how powerful and awesome he was.

Lann: Oh, then he should be fine.

Anna: Say, Lann, about Shruikan: weren't you fighting him to the death or something?

Lann: No way! I said I'd calm him down and look at him now. It took a few smacks to the head but I eventually got him to stop thinking we're his enemies. I was on the verge of making him a bona fide ally, but by that point the whole universe gets reborn and Shruikan becomes a living statue, staring at that sun like everybody else around here.

Sara: You know, we are going to look into that whole sun thing. You could come along and help us again.

Lann: Sorry, I can't. As much as I'd love to provide support a second time around, I cannot leave Shruikan like this. I broke him out of his madness, so what would that make me if I decided to ditch him all spaced out like this? Nah, I'm sticking here to make sure he stays alright until he snaps out of this trance. Too bad I can't say for certain when that will be.

Squishy: Well don't you worry about that, my man. We'll just go and get everything back to normal, and I'm sure Shruikan will be his old—

(Some bearded man with glasses and a white lab coat walks in)

Guy: Lannius? Lannius Drasec, is that you?

Lann: Huh? P.I.D.? You're here? Holy crap man it's been a while!

PID: Oh it really is you! Goodness yes it's been a long while, years even! So good to see yas!

(The two chaps do a man hug)

Lann: Same here, bud! God of all places, it's so weird we'd meet here!

PID: I know!

(They chuckle and pat each other before they break up)

Lann: Where the H**l's my 50 creds?

PID: Oh right, you did win that bet. Let's see…

(Rifles through coat, pulls out a wallet, withdraws some creds and hands it over to Lann)

PID: Here you go. You earned all of it. Still, who would have thought it would actually happen?

Lann: Yeah, funny how things turn out. But hey, whatever gets me money is fine either way.

PID: Indeed. Well, it was nice bumping into you, but I've got other matters to attend to: My dogs have to feed.

Lann: Oh, alright. It was good seeing you too, and you take care of yourself.

PID: Sure thing, and same to you. See you around, Lannius.

Lann: See ya, P.I.D.

(The two wave and PID leaves. Lann turns back to the Jedi who are rather bemused by the exchange)

Lann: He was a friend of mine back at the university. He studies griffons, so we worked in the same wing. We made a bet one day about whose creature would be found first, and wouldn't you know it, it was mine.

Jo: Riiiight. Now, since you're not coming, I guess we'll be on our way. Come on, guys. Nothing else to see here.

Lann: Good luck figuring this whole mess out.

Stan: Wait, Lann, I've a quick question. Have you seen Sentina at all?

Lann: No I'm afraid I haven't, which is a shame because she was on my list of people to look for. But with everything the way it is, I'm sure she can handle herself just fine.

Stan: (Dejected) Yeah, probably. Just wish I knew that for sure. Thanks for answering, Lann.

Lann: No prob, Stan. Now run along. I'll keep an eye out for her and let her know you're looking for her as well.

Stan: Thanks. Later, Lann.

(He and the group depart. They continue on for some time, getting closer and closer to the outer edge of the great stomach. Eventually they hear some humming)

Sara: Humming?

Jo: Wait! I know that deep manly tone from anywhere!

(He runs ahead. In no time they chance upon a green recliner, and in it sits the one-and-only Samuel Mother-F**king Jackson, wearing sunglasses, humming and twiddling his thumbs)

Anna: By Jove, he's still alive!

Sara: And taking it easy!

Sam Jackson: Hm? Who said that? (Notices the group) Well looky there: my Jedi escort! You all made it out alive!

Rick: With zero effort, surprisingly. And you seem to have made it alright as well. Got a recliner and such.

Sam Jackson: Oh these? Yeah, I grabbed them from some gazebo over that hill. The people standing around didn't seem to mind, so it's not really stealing. Plus, being a celebrity gives you certain inalienable rights, like the right to sit in a comfy recliner. And I must say, this is one comfy-a** f***in' chair.

Jo: Yeah, now that we know the details of your chair, perhaps you could tell us about how you got here.

Sam Jackson: H*** if I know! I'm cracking an 80-year old jaw bone one minute and then go through some f**king vortex thing and wind up here in Pepto Bismol Land the next. Honestly, the pink is total overkill.

Sara: Oh yeah! What happened to Tiamat?

Sam Jackson: Oh, Mr. "I AM The Final Battle"? S****it, old b****rd was nothing. I set his record straight in no time. Check this. (Looks away) Yo Tiffany!

(Rushing up to him comes a very humbled Tiamat)

Tiamat: Yes my lord?

Sam Jackson: Hey! That's not what you call me. Say my actual name!

Tiamat: Ehh-ehhh-ehhh, yes, but of course. I'm so sorry for my slip-up, Grand Sugar Daddy Extra. If it pleases you, I found an issue of Jet that you could read over.

(Hands over a magazine)

Sam Jackson: Found? B***, if I ever choose to read a magazine, it's got to be up to date! Fresh! New! As in right off the newsstand, not found on the filthy-a** ground!

(Whacks Tiamat with magazine)

Tiamat: Sorry sir, sorry. It wont' happen again, I swear.

Sam Jackson: For your sake you better not. (Brings up feet) Now rub my corns, b***h!

Tiamat: Yes, right away. (Gets down and administers massage)

Sam Jackson: (To Jedi) As you can see, I talked him into being my personal servant for the remaining duration of my stay here. Also makes for a great footstool when I really want to relax. (To Tiamat) Rub harder! (Kicks Tiamat)

Tiamat: (Pouts) Ohh the smell...*sniff* (Pouts some more)

Sylvia: Wow. You're definitely not one to trifle one.

Sam Jackson: Wouldn't be making the big bucks if I stayed soft all my life.

Stan: Say, uh, Sam, have you seen Sentina around?

Cope: Are you seriously going to ask everyone we talk to, Stan?

Sam Jackson: 'Fraid not, Stan. Been too busy taking it easy for the first time since I wound up stuck here. Haven't really been paying attention to anything outside this sphere of relaxation I've set up for myself. But don't worry; by the look of things, it seems everybody's taking a vacation. She's probably chilling out under a tree or by some pool or something.

Anna: So I take it you want no part in getting to the bottom of this galactic mystery we're currently standing in?

Sam Jackson: (Lowers shades) Look, I'll level with ya: I got off lucky. Even with you guys covering my back, by all rights I should've been dragon chow within the first two days on that planet. I'm really just a regular guy; I shouldn't have to put myself through these dangerous situations if I'm not up for it. You guys have it well in hand; I'd just drag you down. Besides, there's no chance I'm giving up this seat any time soon. Ain't that right, Tiff?

Tiamat: End me now...

Sam Jackson: See? We're good right where we are.

Sally: Well, you have fun. Hopefully we'll see each other and hang out when things aren't all screwy.

(They leave)

Sam Jackson: I'll look forward to that, girl. All of you be careful.

(He puts his sunglasses back on and settles into his recliner with a sigh, losing himself to comfort and a thorough—if unwilling—foot massage. Skip ahead to to a point where our heroes have left the inhabited planetoids near the edge of the new galaxy. Finally they stop on one planetoid and look directly at the stomach lining, only a mere half mile before them)

Squishy: At last: The edge of the universe.

Sally: Huh. I thought it'd look nastier, but it's pretty smooth and clean for the inside of a stomach.

Cope: Given how this thing was born just a short while ago, that's really no surprise.

Sara: How are we gonna break through when we get there?

Jo: Eviscerate, just like with all situations. Mere dragon organ tissue shouldn't be a match against our staves of sizzling death.

?: Peh! You would think that, but those things have limits. I should know: I put them there.

(The Jedi look around, and off to the side, sitting on the ground in a rebel stance, with an outfit of white and an obnoxious smirk, is the creator himself: Contractor)

Jedi: (Gasp!) Contractor?!

Cont: Mmm, how I miss a good response of shock and surprise. Really tickles my heart knowing I still have that effect on people after all this time.

Anna: YOU! (She leaps and pounces onto the Contractor like a feral cat, and with great strength lifts him high over her by his shirt collar and shakes him) You sadistic lazy-a** creationist! Six days! Six days I've had to deal with dragons, wilderness, fatigue, random occurrences and—worst of all—a heavily sweaty upper brow at the end of every day! Do you have any idea how irritating it is dealing with a sopping brow in the middle of a life-or-death battle? Well let me tell ya: it's outright maddening! And all that time you could have whisked us to that friggin' tower, but nooooooo, you let us crash and do things the long and hard way like every other time! And now the whole galaxy is warped and everyone is doped up and we're stuck fixing this as well! What sort of benevolence do you call this if you're still tormenting nearly every aspect of our lives?

(Shakes him more violently, although he still holds that obnoxious smirk)

Cont: Well, if I had whisked you around, that wouldn't have made for as interesting an episode, now would it?

Anna: Graaaa! (Drops him hard)

Cont: As for the galaxy getting warped, that wasn't my doing. I never planned on having everything swallowed up like this. No, it was done by somebody else.

Jo: Like we're gonna believe that!

Cont: Me being here is a good clear sign that this wasn't my idea. The whole premise of a writer getting tossed in with his creations ain't my cup of tea. That said, whoever did this knows what they're doing because, sad to say, I'm without god powers here. There's some suppression field in effect that's reduced to me something lowlier than yourselves. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been able to man-handle me that easily. Or did it without immediate consequences.

Sara: You did shake him up pretty easily, Anna.

Anna: Okay, I suppose I can buy your not having god powers for now. But that doesn't make up for the aches still in my legs!

Sara: I think what she means is who's responsible, then?

Cont: No clue. Not a single one. However, I know for sure that it was the same guy who started the whole dragon invasion. And I also know solely based on your body language that you're gonna find out who.

Sally: (Shocked) Like a book!

Rick: He's our creator, sis.

Cont: Exactly. Now, how are you gonna do this?

Will: (In prison stripes) We're breakin' outta here!

Pickaxe: And I'm helping!

Cont: Huh, never saw that before. (Grabs pickaxe and tosses it to the abyss)

Pickaxe: Endless regreeeeeeeeeeet! (Gone)

Cont: What I tried to hint at earlier was that "breaking out" won't do. Even from here I can tell you that blindly cutting at that flesh will get you nowhere.

Jo: Then how do we get out? There's no throat or anal passage—

Cope: No Anal Routes, Jo!

Cont: Nah nah, you gotta think this through. You can't just go for any old spot; instead, you have to go for: The Pores.

Jedi: (Wonder) The pores?

Cont: Here, allow me to demonstrate:

And now, live from Nowhere In Particular, the first in a long series of BoBoBo references, Contractor Productions is proud to present the riveting yet informative documentary:

Your Body's Body

Chapter 1:

Pores of Passion

(Contractor pops up wearing a lab coat with a metal pointer before a projection screen)

Cont: As you probably already know, pores are holes in your skin that take in air. (Slide comes on) It is here that air and dirt particles are collected, resulting in the formation of the dreaded zits.

Greasy Teen: They just never stop.

Cont: No they don't. However, pores aren't just hassles for your face and/or back. Pores also cover the inner lining of organ tissue, eagerly waiting to be penetrated by microscopic warriors of good. And all this is based on fictitious but rather compelling bull-s**t.

And that has been this week's Lame Plot Device.

Cont: So your prime target in your escape will be those pores. And it just so happens that a pore is directly straight across from me.

Sylvia: Okay, so why didn't you just tell us to begin with?

Cont: Eh, too many things go unexplained around here. I thought I'd take a different approach and make things as coherent as possible.

Fans: NOO! DON'T!

Cont: The people have spoken; random it remains.

Fans: Phew.

Jo: So our path is made clear. Thanks Contractor... for once.

Cont: No problemo. Just hurry along and get my powers back.

Anna: Oh we're gonna, but you bet your sorry white-linen a** I'll have more grievances to voice when it's done.

Cont: Sure sure. In the meantime, don't be afraid to put much of that rage toward the big bad you're going to face.

Squishy: You better be ready to tidy all this up on your own when we get back.

Cont: Perfectly understandable, Squishy darling. Say, before you go, I should tell ya something.

Squishy: What?

Cont: It's a sorta prophecy thing. The being you're about to face is undoubtedly powerful, but keep this in mind: There's more than meets the eye. That's all I have to say.

Sally: More foreshadowing, ooooooh.

Sara: Isn't that degree of mysticism a Circle Eight offense?

Cope: Like anyone would get that reference.

Sara: Eh, I suppose not.

Jo: Let's move, people.

(Everyone nods and leave for the skin.)

Cont: And Stan my man! (Stan stops) Sentina's just fine. Don't let that worry you.

(At first Stan is caught off-guard, but then adopts a look of appreciation)

Stan: Thanks.

(Contractor nods, cueing Stan's exit. He rejoins the others, and they make their way to the very last planetoid. From there they leap from it and by some freaky force of gravity they stick to the stomach wall and continue on. Eventually Will's foot sinks into something)

Will: Oh jeez, I got organ on my foot. Yuck.

Jo: That's our exit. Step aside real quick.

(Will yanks his foot out, and then Jo takes his saber and slides it into the hole. This causes it to quiver and enlarge into a 3-foot wide fleshy depression)

Anna: Wait, that's our exit?

Squishy: Ugh, it looks all tight and squishy.

Cope: Then that makes you perfect for going first.

(Kicks Squishy into hole, where he gets stuck and then sucked down out of sight)

Sylvia: What the h**l, Alex, we don't even know if that stuff is acidic!

Cope: Well he should stop looking so kickable all the time.

(The hole quivers and a gloved thumbs up appears before retreating back in)

Cope: And look, we got the a-okay no problem.

Jo: (Gestures) Ladies first?

Sylvia: Sure, but I'm using him for a shovel. (Grabs Cope)

Cope: WAIT, NO—

(Gets plunged head first into hole, where only his legs are sticking out. Sylvia calmly takes a seat atop a foot)

Sylvia: Sally, would you like to come along? There should be room for one more.

Sally: Okay!

(Sits on the other foot, and all three sink in)

Jo: (Shakes head) Women.

Will: I hears ya.

Sara: Uh-HUM? Care to be my shovel, Will?

Will: Uh, that's alright. Let's just go in side by side.

Sara: Sounds great, honey. (They both go in)

Anna: So Jo, wanna clear the way for me, or do you wanna test my temperament? (Evil look)

Jo: Oh heck no, I know what you're capable of! (Dives into hole)

Anna: Hee hee hee hee. Never gets old. (Rick stares at her) You want some too, Ricky?

Ricky: I'll just go down with dignity, thank you.

Anna: Excellent. And so will your brother for sure.

Stan: Gulp…

(Soon all three of them have gone in. Now we see the group crawling through a twisting tunnel of flesh and slime as they are pressed tight together)

Will: Gosh dern, why's it so tight in here?

Cope: My thoughts exactly.

Sally: It's all warm and sticky!

Jo: There there, Sal. We just gotta keep pushing on. It'll only get worse if we slow down.

(At some point everyone reaches a standstill)

Sally: Oh great we're stuck!

Jo: What did I just say!

Sylvia: What's going on?

Cope: Squishy, why'd you stop now of all places?

Squishy: It can't be helped. I've hit some kind of wall.

Jo: A wall? You gotta be joking.

Squishy: It's no joke: There really is some fleshy barrier right here.

Cope: That shouldn't be. The only way there would be any kind of wall would be….0.o! NO! God-D***it: We've hit the rectum!

Jedi: WHAT?!

Cope: That Son of a B***h Contractor has sent us down South! The BAAAD South!

Anna: Yo Alex, calm down. This isn't the place to be flipping out—

Cope: How can you be calm about this, woman? I specifically said no to any "backdoor" exits so that we avoid being smothered in… OH DEAR GOD! (Starts pressing madly) EVERYBODY BACK UP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! LET ME OUT OF THIS STINKHOLE LET ME OUUUUUUUT!

(Something gives, and suddenly the Jedi tumble out of the tunnel and fall yelling into a great pool of opaque liquid. Following the splash, everyone rises up out of it to find themselves with their lower halves submerged. Cope breaches from the fluid looking utterly mortified and disgusted)

Cope: OH JESUS CHRIST IT'S ALL OVER ME WHY IS IT SO WATERY OH DEAR GOD AAAAAAAAAAAH! (Flails a bit until he gets a good look at what exactly is covering him and immediately calms down) Wait, this isn't feces. (Sniffs) And thank God it's not urine, either.

Sara: Still feels nasty all the same. Blegh!

Sylvia: Tastes salty. This must be a sweat gland.

Squishy: Would explain why I'm floating on it so easily. (Show Squishy floating on his back)

Will: No, the viscosity isn't the same as ordinary sweat. (Takes a lick off his hand)

Stan: Did you seriously just lick that?

Will: It's not just salt. This stuff also tastes of… motor oil.

Sara: Motor oil?

Will: I've worked in maintenance shops a long time, and I'm telling you this is just a more watered-down version of mechanical lubricant.

Sally: But why would a massive mythical dragon have oil for sweat?

Rick: Hmm… Perhaps this is no ordinary mythical dragon.

Squishy: For sure, son. The mystery of this beast grows even more mysterious.

Brit with Monocle: Mmm, quite, dear chap.

Jo: Well we need to get out of here first. And that's how we're doing it.

(Indicates a nearby depression with an exit sign over it. After a period of time we see our heroes pop out of the other end of the new tunnel. Upon getting back on their feet they immediately become awestruck by the sight around them. Things are no longer pink, for they have just stepped out onto a great scaly plain of pure white. An endless swirl of silent darkness hangs overhead, broken by a gargantuan draconic wing of white and pale colors, immobile and hanging high and far from the Jedi. After some looking, Jo regains everyone's attention and points out a glowing horizon far off. They all nod and dash across the dragon's surface. After several minutes they reach the base of the left forelimb, whose diameter couldn't have been less than 50,000 meters wide. After passing that, they finally reach the upper chest, where to their surprise a long, thin platform awaits them. With zero hesitation they step onto the platform, and instantly it rises off the scales and rights itself whilst floating off. Eventually it takes position before the front of the monstrosity, now resembling an immense white sunrise. At that moment, pulling up out of the darkness below the neck of the beast retracts, bringing its head high over the Jedi. It gazes upon the heroes with great yellow eyes set in its white, horned head. It bares its mountainous teeth, lets out a low heavy growl that that quickly grows into a mighty roar that shakes its entire being. "Destiny's Force" from Kingdom Hearts plays as the Jedi draw their weapons and get into battle stances. After a quick stare down, the battle begins)

(Immediately the divine dragon lunges its head at the platform, trying to knock the heroes away but misses. It then attempts to bite with its massive maw, which the Jedi barely manage to dodge. Then, for some reason, small round platforms start appearing to the sides of the long platform, forming a rising semi-circle around the assailing dragon neck. With haste the group splits and make for the smaller platforms. It is here the dragon gets distracted, but soon focuses on some of the Jedi. It does some lightning lunges and bites but fails to snag anybody. There are times that the Jedi actually jump onto the dragon's snout, ride it a bit and then leap off onto a far off platform. At some point Will tries to make a stab on the dragon's head, but he is flung off and sent flying into a platform, which he collides and rolls over, grabbing the edge before he falls off into abyss. Just as the dragon readies to attack, Rick throws his saber at it to get its attention, allowing Cope to come and help Will up. Stan and Sally spring up to go at the dragon's neck while it focused on Rick, but it switches focus and whips around to chomp them, only for Anna to fly in and fire off a devastating Force Lightning Bolt onto its upper muzzle. The dragon screeches in rage before pulling its neck back. Its head shakes and eyes flash a few times, then it opens its mouth and releases a giant inferno that obliterates four of the platforms. It then slowly sweeps the blaze, tracking the Jedi. Squishy hitches a ride on Sylvia and together they leap at the dragon and slash a nostril, ending its flame attack and allowing the platforms to regenerate)

(With everyone split up again the dragon's attacks become more fast and furious, keeping everyone in the air. Eventually Jo and Cope are together just as the dragon readies to eat them. Quickly, Jo gets on and leaps off Cope's shoulders, just as he hits one of the dragon's teeth with a clang. This disorients the dragon, allowing Jo to land onto the head and deliver a shearing stab deep into its left eye. The result is immediate: The dragon pulls back and wails, sending Jo flying. A massive beam of yellow light shoots from the eye as the beast screeches painfully, a sound that soon lowers into grumble/sputter. All the platforms disappear, and now everyone is standing on invisible ground before the dragon as orange begins to swirl amid the darkness. The yellow beam soon ceases, and the dragon head falls and hits the invisible ground before the Jedi with a thunderous thud, all color gone from its eyes. Suddenly, a crease forms around its scalp, and a great hiss is made as clouds of steam come out of it. Then a section of the head, including the eyes, rise up and back as hydraulics are heard lifting. The top half of the head continues to rise, slowly revealing the paneled metal control center within. Fully lifted up, we see at last, sitting behind the levers, buttons and switches of the controls, is none other than… than…! Holy...)

(The original six Jedi immediately drop their jaws and stare with bulging, twitching eyes at the one behind the controls)

Cope: No… F**king… Way…

(For the person sitting within the artificial dragon head is, is, is, oh help me Jesus I need more caption room!)

HENRY!

OMFG!

(Yes! For in that leather control chair with hands grabbing his face in frustration sits the long-forgotten Designer himself, Henry Handerson, in worn blue jeans, a dirty D&D shirt, greasy black short hair and his skinny freakish height. And right next to him is… Is that a baby? Nay, it be but a wee wittle lassy wearing a colored wool sweater shirt, with long blonde hair and the cutest, wootest wittlest face I ever did— [Punched in face] Owch?!)

Girl: Hey! I won't be patronized right out of the gate! Redo my intro NOW! (But, I'm so utterly bewildered, and frightened of you) Suck it up! God!

(The Jedi continue to gawk with their shocked expressions, although Sylvia and the kids only look on blankly while "Oh, It's You" from A Hat In Time plays)

Henry: Gol-fudgin'-darnit! I can't believe I left myself wide open like that!

Girl: Don't worry about it, hon. You had them on the run for a while there.

Henry: But I let them end it far too early. I should've been more attentive, really worn them down, but instead I got careless. And I just had to have the most obvious weak spots! God so much regret is building up I swear!

Girl: Okay, you better cut the whining because it's starting to bug me.

Henry: Sorry, dear...

Jo: Googidy-Moogidy, Henry?!

Will: Holy frickin' crap…

Anna: Seriously?

Henry: (Composes self) Weeeeell, if it isn't Jo, my dear brother Will, my former boss, and the rest of the highly esteemed Jedi. Yes, my long-awaited return has finally come, and the looks you're giving me are immensely pleasing!

Sally: …...Who's Henry?

Henry: What?! Which one of you has forgotten—(Notices Sally) Whoa whoa what in the, who the flip are you? (Sees the other three reptiles and points at them) And you, and you, and you! (Rubs eyes) My word, there's ten of you now! But, where's Jared?

Will: Woof, that's a name I haven't heard in forever.

Cope: He's been gone without a trace for over a decade.

Henry: Seriously? Oh man… I've been gone faaaar too long.

Rick: I'm sorry, but who's this guy?

Stan: I'd like to know, too.

Sally: Ditto.

Anna: You mean you don't… oh, yeah, you probably wouldn't know. Well that there is one Henry Handerson: Will's younger brother and one of the last surviving Sith Masters back in my evil days.

Cope: He died early on during the assault on their final stronghold—

Henry: By the lamest cheap shot ever! The first freakin' episode of the series and I get killed off like a chump! But that wouldn't stick for long.

Jo: Yeah, because you somehow got god powers and came back right after the Fanboy Republic fell.

Sylvia: Wait! I just remembered you told me about that, Squishy. A long time ago.

Squishy: Yeah. He possessed Chris, had him blow up some planets and then revealed himself as the Designer. The Contractor actually had to step in to defeat him.

Henry: Using some dumb mambo nonsense; another cheap death. Anyway, how bout explaining something to me: what's the deal with these talking lizards?

Squishy: This is my wife Sylvia, and those are my three children: Stanley, Sally, and Richter.

Sally: We're Jedi, too!

Henry:...WHAT? Squishy seriously boinked a velociraptor and had lizard babies, too! Holy Hell, what's been going on with this universe that I once called home?!

Girl: Get a grip, Henry; you're embarrassing us!

Henry: But I can't help it! Eight f***ing trilogies and so much has changed!

Cope: You honestly expected things to stay the same after so long?

Henry: Considering the hack in charge of everything? Yes!

Jo: What are you doing here, Henry?

Henry: Ah, a topic I can discuss without losing my mind. Well, Jo, I believe it should be quite obvious: I'm here to reclaim my former glory as grand overlord of your universe. You see, I've been in something of a creative slump for a long while. But some time ago, I was wandering the fringes of Creative Design when I came across this abandoned, half-completed concept that had that dolt Contractor's fingerprints all over it. That clued me in that big things were happening in this particular universe of discourse, so I decided it was the perfect time for a comeback. I took possession of the construct and made up my plan in milliseconds. That being: possess Bowser, get him to open a rift to the dragon dimension to cause untold havoc on you silly inhabitants, and finalize the ultimate weapon/containment vessel while you're all flailing about. And that ultimate weapon is the very thing you see before you: The Divine Dragon King Deluxe!

Squishy: Weapon? So, everything up to now had been your doing? What about Unnamed?

Henry: Ahhh, you liked that little shocker, huh? Yes, in possessing this construct I learned of its origin and original intent. I figured I'd put a little spin to further cover my tracks, and being the gullible sorts you all are you totally bought it! Course in the long run it was wholly pointless, but it's so satisfying knowing I can still psyche you guys, haha!

Will: So your big plan was to vore up the entire galaxy with a humongoid dragon?

Henry: Bro, did you really have to make it sexual? My big plan, Will, was to contain Contractor and his precious little playground in a cage of my own making. A cage that would sap him of his godhood and make his creations vacant-eyed, empty-headed dolls for me to do with as I please. And I get extra irony points by using one of his unrealized ideas to make it happen!

Rick: You seem to be celebrating a bit early, because we're not vacant-eyed or empty-headed.

Sally: Yeah! We busted out of your big meaty prison to take you down!

Lady: Like you even have a chance, lizard face! My sweetie-buns Henry is going to take you losers out like it's nothing!

Henry: Kayla, I was about to say that.

Kayla: You've been talking too long; let me have a chance, huh?

Henry: But this is my big moment; I don't need you to be stepping on my toes like that!

Kayla: Excuse me, but this is our big moment. I didn't come along to your carry-on, so you either let me have a crack at taunting your former friends or I'm gonna have to whip out the newspaper and remind you to respect me.

Henry: Please don't.

Cope: Bizarre.

Jo: What's with the girl, Henry?

Henry: Oh right, slipped my mind. To help me celebrate my triumph and new rulership over this pitiful realm I decided to bring along my sweet'ums Kayla.

Kayla: That's right, and I'm the sweetest killer in all existence so none of you stand a chance . (Makes cat pose)

Stan: Uhhhhh… adorable?

Henry: Adorable and deadly: the perfect combination to match a perfect being like myself. And this perfect little miss is gonna be here to watch me ruin all your careers by stomping your sorry light-bearing selves into oblivion.

Kayla: Yeah! That's the stuff; make them tremble!

Henry: See? She's amazingly supportive.

Anna: Well, what's also amazing is how we're gonna yank you out of your big shiny dragon mech and boot you out of this universe in less time than it takes for Alex to complain about something.

Cope: I don't complain that much these days.

Anna: Quicker than that!

Will: It's a real shame our reunion has to end so soon, but there's a whole galaxy that needs saving and I won't abide by someone holding it hostage, even if they are family.

Sara: You're going down!

Sally: Yeah!

Henry: Hoh hoh, I honestly missed the spunk you guys show right before a big battle, even forgetting how I literally floored you the last time we faced each other. And there's no Contractor around to swoop in and bail you out this time.

Jo: Where there's a will there's a way, Henry, and we will defeat you!

(The Jedi draw their sabers as "Inside Boss Battle" from Final Fantasy 1 plays. The entire dragon drops away from Henry and Kayla, leaving them standing on open ground before the heroes)

Henry: So shall we see! Kayla, bear witness to how a god smites his enemy's toys!

Kayla: Okay, just don't take too long. I get bored easy.

Henry: Worry not, my sweet, for this shan't take long at all. To you dogged Jedi and the traitor Pineapple, face my dauntless power once more! Ya HA!

(Static is heard in Squishy's head)

Cont: So Henry was behind all this!

Squishy: Contractor? Why am I hearing you?

Cont: I managed to get a working telepathic connection with my remaining deus ex machina powers, but that's all I can do. Gah, to think he was actually serious with those threats.

Squishy: Wait, you knew Henry was going to come back this whole time?

Cont: He kept sending me these voice messages that sounded like drunk ramblings; I honestly thought he moved on with his life. Although, stopping to think on it, I may have confused that heavy drawl of his for drunken slurring. Whoops.

Squishy: That bit of hindsight isn't real helpful, since Henry is about to attack us!

Cont: Yeah, that's pretty bad. Luckily he's about as pompous as me by not outright destroying you, but he's also as strong as myself. You may not think that's much, but all those previous times we fought I allowed myself to be beaten. Henry won't be so generous, I reckon.

Squishy: So what are we supposed to do?

Cont: You won't stand a chance fighting him on his terms. You're going to have to fight dirty; beat him at something he's terrible at, but at which you're a pro.

Squishy: And what would that be?

Cont: I'll let you figure out that one. But here's a hint: Puma. So long and good luck, champ. I believe in you. (Switches off)

Squishy: Wait! That made no sense!

Sally: I still don't really know who this guy is, but I can feel the power coming off him. Almost like that Accountant guy, or even Financer!

Stan: There's no way this dude is anything like Financer! If we put our hearts into this we should be able to knock him down!

Cope: You have no idea how utterly ineffective that is here, do you?

Stan: Nope, but I'm gonna give it my all still!

Henry: I'm liking the spirit of this one. Too bad it's going to crushed out of him harder than the life that was crushed out of Darth Stand-In.

Rick: Who?

Anna: One of my Sith cronies that I had killed… quite painfully.

Rick: Hoo boy...

Squishy: What could have Contractor meant, what could he have meant, think think thiiiiiiiiiink!(Gasp!) Of course! That has to be it! (To Henry) Yo Henry! Catch!

(He tosses a spinning object at him, and he grabs it. Lightning strikes and suddenly Henry is wearing a cheap Gitaroo-Man costume and holding the legendary Gitaroo)

Henry: What the h**l? What just happened?

Kayla: What sort of lame-a** He-Man look are you trying to pull? Take that stupid thing off.

Henry: I can't!

Everybody there's a new king in town.

Get ready:

Mojo-Mojo-Mojo King Bee!

(There's resounding cheer as funky music plays and we get a gander at Squishy who's now wearing a disco bee suit and holding a space trumpet. He grooves about as everyone drops jaws and eyes bulge)

Everyone: What The H**L?!

Cope: Squishy What The F**k Are You Doing Wearing That?!

Kayla: Dude that's an even stupider look!

Squishy: Henry, I challenge you to a Gitaroo-Man Versus Match! You play the hero!

Henry: Say WHAAAT?!

Squishy: You V me! Nothing simpler, right? Now, can you follow the beats? Show your stuff, Designer!

Kayla: You're gonna take that from some loser cosplayer? Beat him at this lame-a** game and be done with it!

Henry: But but I-I-I-uh—

Squishy: The match starts now!

(Their life bars appear and Charge Phase begins)

Sylvia: You can do it, Squishy!

Anna: Make whatever point you're getting at!

Henry: Uh, uh, okay I guess I'll, uh, give it a shot, uh, ugh, urk.

(Squishy pulls off his trumpeting beautifully, but Henry keeps missing bars and messing up whatever lines he does hit, hardly getting any life to his bar. At the start of Battle)

Jo: Ha, look at that: Henry doesn't even have half a life bar.

Kayla: What's wrong with you?

Henry: My thing's busted, it's too sensitive!

Kayla: Quit complaining and kill his a**!

Henry: Gulp.

Squishy: Next part!

(Squishy unleashes his attacks which trip up Henry bad, and he still can't nail those notes)

Stan: Wow, just look at how much Dad is tripping that guy!

Will: It's really sad how much pwnage Henry's being dealt.

Kayla: Why are you screwing up? How come you missed all those dodge buttons those were frickin' easy!

Henry: No they're not! They're coming way too fast it's just not fair!

Kayla: Henry they're moving at a snail's pace So Get With The Flippin' Program You Whiner!

Henry: (Distressed) Stop Yelling At ME! It's Not Helping!

(The debacle of a match continues until Henry's life bar mercifully hits zero)

Awww, youuuu Lose.

Hooray! You Win!

(Confetti erupts around Squishy and cheers ring out. Back on the loser's side)

Henry: I lost? No… No I couldn't have, I can't! Nooooooo! How could it be? It's not fair! It's just not fair! My big return completely and unquestionably ruined; there's absolutely no justice in this stupid universe! Oh woe is ME!

(He falls to ground and assumes a shivering fetal position. Kayla goes over to him looking annoyed)

Kayla: What the heck are you doing lying there? Get up like a man and kill them like one!

Henry: Shame… So much soul-crushing shame… No hope…..

Kayla: What are you blubbering about? Get up! Get up you whimpering sack of crap, I said get up!

(She kicks him repeatedly but to no avail: Henry remains unresponsive and inconsolable)

Kayla: Grrr, my man's been rendered into a dud!

Jo: Who knew Henry sucked so badly at Gitaroo-Man?

Will: I certainly didn't.

Kayla: You! You made him like this with that dumb, hokey, out-of-date rhythm game! I'll make every one of you pay for doing this to my precious Henry!

Jo: Sorry miss, but your boy toy was being a b****rd and needed to be put down. No offense to your darling self.

(Lightning flares from Kayla as she makes a face of contorted, unfathomable rage)

Kayla: What… What did you just say? (Quivers) BOY! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M MORE THAN JUST DAMSEL! I may be small, and sweet, but I'm also a killer, one far harder than the whole scrawny, macho-centric lot of ya! You sons of b***hes have no idea the kind of Hell I CAN BRING YOU!

Stan: Whoa... She got scary real quick.

Squishy: If she's been sweet up to now, we may be in trouble.

Kayla: That's right! Especially when... I, don't, take, KINDLY, to, my, MAN, being, called, A BOY TOY! (Flames erupt) I'm going to introduce you all to my vengeful wrath, one not even Hell itself can hold a candle to! You're in a world of hurt now, Bak-i!

KAYLA

Sweet-and-Low Killer

Kayla: WTF? Hey, I didn't agree to that subtitle! Change it now! (No; the title stays. It's clever and immensely fitting—[face slapped] Ow again!) Idiot!

Squishy: That's the second time she punched the Describer! How is she doing that?

Rick: Seems she's a goddess here, maybe one with more pull than Henry.

Cope: More so? How could that even be possible?

Will: Sounds like things have just gotten worse for us.

Kayla: That's right, you backstabbing brother-in-law! Now, are you all set for a pounding?

Jo: Heck yeah we're ready! Bring it on, Missy!

Kayla: Oh I will rip out your leg hairs for saying that! Except… I need more suitable attire. Can't go getting my date clothes dirty so soon. (Raises finger before face) Wardrobe-jutsu, HA!

(There's a quick puff of smoke, and in a second it clears to reveal Kayla decked out in the white gi of a karate master, with the tiniest belt for her teeny karate self [Face gets kicked] BWAUGH!)

Kayla: It's a Tae Kwon Do uniform, a** hole! There's a HUGE difference, so don't make that mistake again! Now for you Jedi, I'm gonna kick your a**es up and down this place using only my fists and legs, just to prove how utterly weak you guys truly are, even with those fancy lightsabers.

Rick: You're fighting us barehanded? Awfully presumptuous of you, I should say.

Kayla: Ah, but it is your assumptions that shall spell your death at my hand. Now, may our fight be honorable. Kōun. (Does a cutesy martial bow) Keeya!

(Leaps at Jedi, lands and does a lightning roundhouse kick that makes everyone leap away)

Jo: Whoa that's quick!

Kayla: As the salmon splits the river's surface so will I split your skulls with my footsies. It's officially on, foes!

("Please, Mr. Sensei" from God Hand plays as she leaps off in a flash. She hops around laying out the fist and foot attacks like a black-belt jack rabbit, forcing the Jedi to go on the defensive. Jo manages to track her and tries baring his saber but)

Kayla: Flutter of the Mad Butterfly!

(She starts repeatedly slapping the air in front of Jo)

Jo: Ah! I am disoriented!

Will: Oh my goodness, Joseph has been disoriented!

Cope: Woe is him!

Anna: Hey, how come you are talking weird, and why aren't your mouths synced with your words?

Stan: I would really like to know! It's way freaky, ohhhhh!

Kayla: Ha! That is the aura of Bad Translation which has beset you! The awkward word choices and unnecessary exclamations will further confuse you, making you open for attack, Ah Ha!

Squishy: That will surely make things annoying for us!

Rick: I humbly agree, Father-san!

Kayla: Now face my attacks some more!

(Kayla continues the battle with more attacks)

Kayla: Back Arm Swipe! Flying Corn Toe! Rising Spike! Improv Slide!

Sally: Can we stop with all this strange talking it is hurting my head!

Kayla: Aye, it too is bothering me! A dumb idea I admit, sorry! Wait a second… There, that's better. You will now taste my fist of doom, fools!

(Things quicken back up as she doles out them chops and kicks. She manages to trip up Stan, then goes into bullet time to side-step saber slashes from Rick and Sally, quickly ducking and sweeping out both their legs. Jo, Will and Cope charge, but Kayla springs up and delivers mid-air kicks that knock all three down. The other Jedi decide to holster their sabers and try the barehanded approach. This succeeds in putting Kayla on the defensive for a change. After avoiding Sylvia's saurian kicks, jumping over Anna's and bouncing off Squishy's head she lands on an empty spot nearby)

Kayla: No fair! You're not supposed to catch on that quick! I should be running circles around you all!

Cope: And that's where your assumption spells trouble for you. We're no slouches when it comes to hand-to-hand.

Anna: It ain't just lightsabers and lasers, little tigress.

Kayla: Crap, and after all those lessons. Guess I'll have to employ the technique of Tae Kwon Chee.

Jo: Tae Kwon Chee? What's that?

(Kayla delivers a flying kick to Jo's crotch)

Kayla: The art of ball busting, sucka! Ha ha!

Jo: (Writhing) Oh no. I have been hit in the crotch. The pain is excruciating and indescribable. Wait, why am I speaking in monotone? How come the darn cheap translations have turned back on for me? Let me express my anguish in an appropriate manner please.

Kayla: You're next, Ringo!

(Slides over and delivers a powerful punch into Cope's groin, resulting in a slo-mo reaction of his fall before she stares hungrily at Will)

Will: Oh crap oh crap oh—

(She launches at him and head butts his package)

Kayla: Three down!

Stan: Hey! You can't go low-blowing like that! (He engages her) What about having this fight be honorable?

Kayla: Ha! For a killer like me, honor means nothing; it's the deaths of my opponents that takes priority. That, and greatly humiliating them, like so! (Leaps and mounts Stan) Giddyup pony! Ya ya!

Stan: Hey hey hey I'm no kiddie ride!

Kayla: Then I'll bust you like a scrawny bull!

(She rides him madly around before pulling him up and slamming his face into the ground)

Kayla: That makes four now!

Sara: Not so fast! You still got us!

Anna: We wont' be so easy to knock out!

Rick: And I'm nothing like my brother.

Stan: (Dizzy) Oh, how nice of you to say, Rick. Ugh…

(Sylvia charges with a kick, but Kayla leaps from the sneak attack. She stops amid the other girls and exchanges blows between them. She knocks away punches, diverts kicks and ducks and bends many a time, putting them at stalemate. Seeing no progress to be had, she leaps away and faces Richter. Despite the size difference they both match each other's moves and exchange a flurry of blows and counter blows. When she tries the trusty crotch kick, Rick flips up and over her, and while in flight he grabs her head and uses the momentum of his flip to toss her far. She reorients and slide lands on her feet, panting)

Kayla: Come on! I can't be that evenly matched! (The combatants gang up on her) Miracle Copter Plus!

(She gets airborne and spins her legs around in a whirlwind that knocks them down)

Kayla: Hee. I knew I still had it.

(See spots Squishy and leaps over to him. Standing side by side, we see that she is only four inches taller than him)

Kayla: Squishy, you and your cruddy game brought suffering to my one and only! Also, your very being reeks of Contractor, which annoys Henry further! And if he's annoyed, so am I, which is why I hate you the most! You emasculate my country stud, so I'll make your death the messiest!

Squishy: Okay, but you'll have to recheck that emasculating part cuz I'm not the sole guilty party. You might want to look in a mirror for starters.

Kayla: (Composure snap) I HATE SMART-A**ES! ESPECIALLY STUPID SHORT ONES!

(She pulls back her fist and rams it straight into Squishy's hood. Her hand rummages around the inside of his robes)

Kayla: Where's that luffa sponge that you call a spine? I'll rip it out and beat you with it you shrimp!

Squishy: Takes one to know one.

Kayla: (Rummages more furiously) The Nerve Of Someone So Stupid! Well Guess What Midget Boy, I've Finally Got A Hold!

(She pulls hard and out pops her hand holding a plastic tube with a trigger on it)

Kayla: What's this supposed to be… (Realization and drops it) Oh, My, God, IT'S A FREAKIN' PENIS PUMP! (At that everyone immediately wakes up) Ew ew ew ew ew I had my hand wrapped around it god you're disgusting ew ew ew ew ew ew EW!

(Runs around waving out hand and scrunching her face. Meanwhile, Squishy's eyes reappear within the shadow of the hood)

Squishy: No no no no that thing's not a pump! It's a salad shooter and nothing else I swear to God!

Sylvia: He's telling the truth! That thing's from our kitchen.

Jo: Squishy, why do you have a salad shooter in your robes?

Squishy: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, thought it might come in handy?

Jedi: ….

Squishy: ….

Everyone Else: ….

Kayla: Okay, I am officially grossed out! You people are too sick to be dealt with in respectable combat! Oh no, the only way I'm gonna trounce you clowns is by getting a little vulgar myself. Wardrobe Change!

(Kayla summons up a privacy curtain to do some changing, then dropping the curtain... Oh my goodness she's so adorable! All those ruffled clothes and buckled shoes and that cute wittle—[Face smacked] Gak! Fine fine fine. Kayla has donned a swashbuckler attire of the finest design. A mixture of red, black and white, she's decked in ruffled shirts, buckled shoes, and a red bandanna on her head that in no way lessens her imposing image)

Kayla: Much better! (To Jedi) Arr me hearties! The fearsome Captain Renee is here to puncture yer gizzards and feed ya to the sharks! Ya landlubbin' scallywags have no chance avertin' the indomitable spirit of this malicious marauder!

Jo: Swashbuckling action? That's certainly something new.

Stan: But it's surely something we can beat.

Kayla: But that where ye be wrong, me bucko. The way of pirates far surpasses yer fanciful Star Wars any day o' the week! Now say ye prayers and be ready to embrace Davy Jones as yer master, for I will cut ye down to pulp with me swift blade! (Draws sword) To the plank with thee! Yaar!

("He's A Pirate" plays as she leaps at the Jedi and unleashes choreographed swordplay which all pirates share. The Jedi bare their sabers of light and engage in the intense fencing session. Kayla uses her shortness to her advantage by sliding between legs and delivering kicks to the rump of whoever lets her do this. However, she is eventually ganged up on and is about to meet a fatal blow from Jo. But at the last second she grabs a nearby rope and cuts it, and in an instant she's pulled up to the top of a great sailing mast out of harm's way)

Jo: (Dumbfounded) Wha?! Where'd that mast come from?

Kayla: Ya ha ha! One as witty as myself shouldn't need to explain to a bilge rat like yerself! Actions speak louder than words, savvy?

Jo: I'm still confused!

Kayla: Then come up here and express yer discontent to me face like a true ambassador!

(Cope leaps up to her)

Cope: He doesn't have to. I'm the one with the Frequent Flyer Miles.

Anna: Since when?

Kayla: Ye be a flyer, eh? Then I'll clip yer wings, ya sorry sod of a mod!

Cope: Huh?

(Kayla attacks and Cope reacts in kind. The two cross blades atop the mast, taking turns pushing each other to the mast's edges. Soon Kayla gets cornered, but quickly she jumps off and rams her sword into the sail, giving her a quick and safe trip down. But once on the ground Stan comes running at her with a mean look)

Stan: It's pay back time, she-devil!

(Kayla makes an irate look and raises a hand. All of a sudden a cast-iron cannon rises up beneath her and aims at the running Jaa-Ruuk)

Stan: Oh S**t!

(He screeches to a halt before the cannon, and bends over backward to narrowly avoid a cannonball. He straightens up and sighs in relief, only for Kayla to draw a pistol and fire a cork right into his schnoz, sending him spinning back with ridiculous force. Kayla reaps the cruel pleasure of such humiliation before flying over to Squishy with sword held high)

Squishy: Wait! I call parley!

Kayla: (Stops) Huh? How does a wee wet willy such as yerself know of parley?

Squishy: Uhhh, I heard it from somewhere, or was it mentioned in a previous trilogy? I forget.

Kayla: Curses. Though ye be the greatest thorn, ye still mention one of the very few honored pirate codes, and grudgingly I shall comply with yer call to negotiate.

Squishy: Really? Awesome!

Kayla: Yes yes. But before terms can be discussed, please fill out this form. It's needed to decide on how your negotiation meal will be prepared. (Hands over sushi menu)

Squishy: Food? Now this is my kind of negotiation session! (Takes form and pencil) Let's see, that that that and that. (Hands back completed form)

Kayla: Stellar choice. Now, for the first course!

(Takes a swig from a flask and spits it all over Squishy, then throws a lit match on him, setting him ablaze)

Squishy: AH HOLY CRAP I'M ON FIRE WHAT THE HECK OH MY GOD!

Kayla: (Maniacal laughter) Gullible gull! I would never negotiate with the likes of ye! You know nothing of parley, so instead I thought I'd let you decide yer mode of execution. And as you have chosen flambé, for your parley I will cook you with barley! (Tosses barley grains at the roasting Jawa)

Squishy: OH SWEET LORD THAT RHYME WAS DUMB AIEG! THE GRAINS ARE SCRATCHING MY EYES OH THE FLAVA-FLAV!

(Falls to ground and loses flames. The other Jedi rush at Kayla)

Kayla: Stay back ye barnacles! I have pointy objects!

(Reaches into clothes and throws out a great shower of spiky caltrops that covers an area of fifty feet. When Jo and Anna try running through they jump back, wailing and holding their footsies)

Jo: YEOW that smarts!

Anna: Agh me corns me corns!

Sally: What are those things?

Kayla: These, little Miss Dino, are caltrops: the worst nightmare of any sea scourge that dare board a ship by force. These bits of metal tear feet asunder for anyone barefoot or lightly-soled, and while ten be manageable, there's well over a hundred lying before me, making me unreachable Yar Har!

Cope: Darn it, she has us good there!

Anna: Freakin' Republic budget could only afford us thin-soled slipper shoes dag-nabbit! Of all days for me to think wearing boots would be unnecessary.

Sylvia: I don't think they would've made a difference. They look sharp enough to pierce my scales.

Will: Heh, doubt they're sharp enough for these bad boys. (Indicates his own pair of slick, steel-toed boots)

Kayla: Gasp! Heavy footwear?! Only the most prepared of boarders would wear such protection! Be ye a privateer at heart like meself?

Will: No, but I was a soldier once: boots on the ground, fast and hard.

(Will runs across the spike field unaffected. Upon reaching Kayla he readies for a devastating heel stomp, yet when he releases it Kayla has zipped off to another spot, where she adopts an immensely sad, pitiful face, completely dropping the pirate act)

Kayla: You were actually going to heel stomp me? Me, a completely helpless little girl who was just playing pirate? What did I ever do to make you want to hurt me like that? For someone to hold that much resentment; I don't know what I did to you to deserve that. (Cries pitifully)

Sylvia: (Wiping eyes with hankie) Oh the poor thing, being bullied like that.

Jo: I never would have thought someone would have so much hate towards someone so small and innocent.

Sara: William! How could you be so horribly insensitive?

Sally: You're being a very bad man, Will! Explain yourself!

Jedi: Yeah! Explain yourself!

Public Opinion: :C

Will: What, what's your guys' deal? Have you forgotten we're fighting for our lives here? She freakin' set Squishy on fire and literally busted my nuts! My nuts, Sara!

Anna: You should still apologize for behaving so brutishly toward her.

Will: What? Are you insane?

Jedi: Apologize, Will!

Public Opinion: :C

Will: Okay fine sheesh! Goll-lee everyone's so dang sensitive these days. (To Kayla) Hey, sorry about trying to smash you into the ground with my boot and all. I didn't mean it. (Looks back to see the others holding up a sign reading "More!") Sigh. And if there's anything I can do to make it up, please tell me.

Kayla: Well, in that case, if you could do me a solid and stay distracted—

(Zips forward and delivers a flying fist to Will's cheek, sending him soaring through a Random Newspaper Stand for effect. Kayla stands proud, holding and waving a paper fan while laughing mockingly)

Kayla: Would you believe I'm as good a sweet-talker as I am a sweet killer? Boy you people are such saps!

Jo: Gasp! She tricked us?!

Sylvia: How dare she!

Kazuhira Miller: She played us like a d*** FIDDLE!

Will: And she played my face like a d*** bulldozer. Ouch. (Now you know how I feel)

Kayla: With that out of the way, I'm ready to kill you now.

Stan: Fat chance, bich!

Kayla: En garde ye leprous dogs!

(The fencing resumes between her and the Jedi. Meanwhile, Squishy rises from his fall and shakes off some ash. Static comes into his head again)

Cont: Man, that chihuahua is crazy vicious. Mmm, do I smell burnt hickory with a hint of barley?

Squishy: Urgh, Contractor? You're back on?

Cont: Indeed I am, and excellent work in toppling Henry all by yourself. I was sorta worried you wouldn't get the clue, but you still managed to jazz his a**.

Squishy: Yeah, but it didn't do anything regarding his girl.

Cont: Uh-huh. I've seen her fight, and to be honest I didn't think she'd be so formidable, and so deceptive with her cuteness.

Squishy: How long have you been watching, exactly?

Cont: Long enough to know you're up s**t creek at this stage. I'm embarrassed to say this, but my understanding of the pirate ways is absolutely nil, so right off the bat I can't get you out of your bind.

Squishy: Then what are we supposed to do?

Cont: Have no fear! I swiped a grad student's computer and have been looking up information pertinent to your situation, which I will upload now.

(Printer noise within Squishy's head)

Cont: That should be more than enough data for you to sift through. Good luck. (Signs off)

Squishy: (In thoughts) Dang! That's a load of data he just uploaded! So many black letters… getting eye strain! Increase font! Now sift through stuff I know… delete this… Hold on! I may be onto something!

(Runs over to sidelines of fight)

Squishy: Kayla! (She looks over. He pulls out a top) The top I hold here contains a great spirit waiting to break free. It is a spirit that can destroy you, so I will release it! Spirit of the Spin, I Summon You! (Releases top so it spins wildly)

Kayla: WTF? You don't know anything about Beyblade! No one does!

Squishy: True, but I do know it's the ideal McGuffin for summoning the one great adversary NO pirate can withstand!

(The top explodes into smoke, and out of the smoke there is... An English Professor from a prestigious Catholic boarding school)

Kayla: Yar-HUUH?!

All: GASP!

Nun: Young lady, you have been butchering the King's English with your high-seas jargon for far too long! To desecrate his Lordship's tongue is to a sin against God, and for that you must pay the penalty! (Holds up a freakin' huge paddle)

Kayla: Ye've got to be jostlin' me!

Nun: That will be enough out of you. Now come here and repent!

(The nun gives chase, brandishing the paddle as Kayla runs away squealing. The chase goes on for a bit, yet Kayla's little legs are no match for the holy wrath within the nun's thighs. Eventually the nun snags Kayla's bandanna and holds her off the ground while she kicks her legs helplessly)

Kayla: AHH! Put me down! Put me down or I'll keel haul ye!

Nun: Be still so that I may beat the devil from your vernacular! Slang Satan, Begone!

(Whacks Kayla hard on the rump with the paddle, sending her flying)

Divine

Corporal

Punishment!

(Kayla lands and skids face down along the ground before stopping and remaining still. The nun has disappeared. Kayla gets back up looking pissed)

Kayla: How, what, how, How Did Any Of That Make Sense?! A Nun?! What The H**l Are You People Smoking GOD Me Hindquarters Sting!

Jo: You've really pissed her off, Squish.

Cope: Was that really worth it?

Squishy: Uh, well, I thought it'd make her explode or something. Weird stuff like that has worked before.

Kayla: Ooooooooooooooo, Your Stupidity Has Pushed Me Too Far! I Was Just Being Merciful As A Pirate But Your Bat S**t Self Ruined All That! Now You Have To Answer To My ULTIMATE FORM!

Rick: That can't be good.

Will: Shucks, I was starting to get into the whole pirate thing.

Kayla: Well It Ain't Happenin' Cuz Mr. Sandget Over There Ruined It!

Jedi: (To Squishy) Hisssssss!

Kayla: And You! Describer Guy! Act Professional For Once And Introduce Me Right, And With FEELING!

(Fine fine I'll do it just don't hit me anymore! Right, now I get serious. Cue the J-Rock!)

Ready Steady Can't Hold Me Back...

Ready Steady Give Me Good Luck...

Ready Steady Never Look Back...

Let's Get Started

Ready Steady GOOO!

(A circle of light rises up and covers Kayla as L'Arc-en-Ciel rocks on. When the musical intro ends the light disperses to reveal Kayla wearing black pants and shirt, a red open coat with a symbol on the back, white gloves, and has her hair in a pony tail)

Kayla: (Pose) Viewtiful FMA Henshin!

Jedi: Awesome…

Anna: Sweet transformation…..

Kayla: I hold within me the strength of Edward Elric, and with it all the powers of alchemy in the Full Metal Alchemist universe: a universe that harbors greater significance than this sloppy, random-a** dump. You Dogs of the Republic have no hope whatsoever of surpassing my awesome combat and alchemy skills, for I have taken the form of that which never dies: The Main Character!

Will: Uhhhh, you mean the main character of the anime?

Kayla: Well duh, obviously! That's who I'm dressed as; you gotta be some idiot not to recognize this iconic outfit!

Will: But… the main character is a guy.

Cope: Yeah. What you have there is merely genderbent cosplay.

Squishy: Plus, me and Sylvia haven't died so far, which makes us the true Main Characters here by your logic.

Sally: Yea! Mom and Dad are unkillable!

Kayla: HA! The purpose of alchemy is to make the impossible possible, and I shall prove it by murdering every one of you into mulch!

(Leaps at group arms a-swingin'. Everyone spreads out as Kayla throws in some wide punches and boot kicks. But soon enough Will ignites his saber and leaps at her, but she claps her hands and palms the ground, erecting a tall stone wall that the warrior slams into)

Kayla: Can the Force do anything like that? Didn't think so!

(She continues her physical assault and makes more walls to defend herself, however at one point Cope drops down from above with saber ready to slice)

Kayla: Now things get interesting.

(Claps hands and her right arm becomes a steel blade which she uses to deflect Cope)

Cope: She transformed her arm? How's that possible?!

Kayla: It's like I said: alchemy makes the impossible possible. With the right switching of elements and minerals, even the human body can be turned into something as deadly as a bomb. Since I'm representing Ed, metal is my expertise, with an emphasis on cutlery!

Sally: Wow. So with alchemy anyone can turn their arm into a sword?

Kayla: No; you need a robot arm for that, but I'm a killer so who cares. Now taste my steel!

(She resumes her physical attacks, this time with her sword arm added to the mix. She manages to kick down Rick, who rolls away before being chopped by an axe)

Rick: What the heck?

Kayla: Stupids! I can change my arm at will. That way I'll be able to mix and match up your methods of death! That's what makes me even sweeter: Variety!

(She goes on her rampage again. Now her arm changes into many different sharp objects, such as knives, clippers, spatula and even a stapler. After failing to whack Squishy with a mallet, Stan leaps at her yelling. In an instant she changes her arm into a metal bat and hits Stan square in the head)

Stan: Not AGAAAAAIN!

Announcer: And he's going, going, going aaaaand he's outta here! He is long gone, folks! Kayla has won the world series! But wait a second, he's coming back. By Jove, he's wearing a bungie cord!

Kayla: What?!

Announcer: My previous statement has been rendered null and void: Kayla hasn't won the series!

Kayla: That's bull! I demand overtime! Overtime!

(At that several Jedi leap at her. With a quick clap her hand becomes an egg beater, and the various sabers get caught in its tines. With a quick twist all the sabers are pulled from their wielders' hands. With that distraction Kayla leaps at Squishy and rams the beater in his face)

Kayla: Hi-Setting!

(Squishy spins around madly as the beater whirs until he comes loose and flies away. The beater sputters and Kayla smacks it)

Kayla: Curses, it's jammed!

(Jo makes a run at her, but she sticks out her left gloved hand)

Kayla: Buuuuurn!

(Snaps her fingers. A fire blast erupts before Jo, singing some of his robe and knocking him back)

Jo: Where'd that come from?!

Kayla: It should be noted that I'm also a mega Mustang fangirl. Cower at the might of the Flame Alchemist!

(Goes on snapping repeatedly, making everyone run helter-skelter from the explosions. Will runs up to Sara and shoves his hand down her robe)

Sara: Will, what do you think you're doing? There's people here!

Will: I'm not looking for that, I'm looking for this.

(Pulls out a hand mirror and holds it up. A fire burst hits the mirror, bouncing it back at Kayla. She brings up her metal arm to absorb the blast, and when the smoke clears both her arms are normal, yet her hair and clothes are slightly darkened)

Kayla: Nooooooooo, my costume's all burnt. I spent hours sewing this thing! Then again, the frizzled hair makes me look even cuter.

Anna: I want that hairstyle!

Stan: Get her!

(They rush her. Kayla sticks out her hand and summons up a spear, with which she tosses at the group, forcing them to duck)

Kayla: You people are too weird! Just lay down and die! (Summons a lance and tosses that) Die Die Die Die Die Die Die Die Die!

(She tosses out a storm of various objects at rapid pace. At first it's weapons, but then the air gets cluttered with garden tools, cosmetics, silverware, furniture, cooking tools and even a few types of sinks.)

Kayla: I'm done screwing around! I will now crush you with my most devastating combat style!

(She claps her hands, and her arms become wrapped in light before converting into a red, hard and sticky material)

Kayla: You're in for it now, fools! My arms have been coated in a sweet, sugary, indestructible substance that doubles both my strength and speed. Packed with so much delight, you're all guaranteed to die with a smile, which is what makes me the sweetest sweet killer around!

Squishy: If anything, I'd say that officially makes you Arm Candy. Henry's to be exact.

Guys: Guffaw guffaw guffaw guffaw!

Kayla: Shut up! I'm gonna dislocate that sorry jaw of yours with an explosion of yumminess!

(Kayla swings her candy-coated arms widely and wildly at an increasing pace. At some point Sara gets knocked down)

Sara: Oww! I broke a nail!

Kayla: Oh my goodness, really?

Sara: Yeah. Ahhh, it stings a little. Oh my precious nail...

Kayla: Oh no I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you like that. Here, let me look at that. (She goes over to Sara, who gives a nodding/winking signal to the others)

Jo: Ah! She's distracted!

Cope: Somebody do something!

(Will looks around and lays eyes on Squishy. He grabs him)

Squishy: What the hey—?!

(Will holds him up in a Hail Mary pose)

Will: I dedicate this throw to Sam Jackson. Wish you were here, man.

(Tosses Squishy with a great umph. Back to the injured)

Kayla: There we go. All better.

(Gets walloped by the improvised Jawa football, resulting in her flying a ways before crashing. Squishy gets up in a daze just as the others come up to the two)

Jo: That was a close one. Good thinkin', Will.

Will: Yeah. Sara, you did a great job pretending to be hurt like that.

Sara: Pretend nothing; I actually broke a nail. I was surprised she'd be concerned about me, but then I thought since she'd been deceiving us a bunch that I'd do one for her.

Sylvia: I guess she does have a feminine side, showing empathy over a broken nail.

Anna: Who wouldn't? Those hurt like a b****.

Sally: And it looks like we finally defeated her!

(Indeed they did. The malicious sweetie-turned-alchemist is nothing more than a tiny, helpless, unconscious lump for all to—[Face punched] Ooh, that actually tasted pretty good. Still hurts)

Kayla: Never… I can't, let you losers… defeat me. Never. Not over….. my dead body.

Cope: What? She's still going?

Sylvia: She really has the fortitude of a god.

Kayla: Exactly. I can't let you freaks… continue… living! (Stands back up)

Jo: What is your freakin' deal, lady?

Squishy: Why are you so hostile towards us?

Sara: What is it about us that makes you want to kill us so badly?

Kayla: It's because it's all STUPID! This place is stupid, you guys are stupid, the Contractor's stupid, everything here is just so STUPID! There's no relevance whatsoever in this crap you call "fiction"! Any single anime out there has more purpose in existing than this garbage! Everything written here isn't even worth the disc space it's saved to! Plus you have been unfair to Henry this whole time, never letting him appear once in so many trilogies! He'd probably never wanna be in this pitiful sham of storytelling, but he would've still appreciated an invite!

Jo: You're all pissed cuz we've never had Henry around?

Rick: Seems the grudge is shared deeply between lovers.

Kayla: Lovers? Psah! We're not lovers: just the dandiest couple ever. And after fighting you losers I've realized how important Henry really is to me. No battle feels the same without him by my side, protecting me, fighting with me, sharing the same laughs with me. So now I'm gonna get back with my man and show you just how strong our shared love makes us!

(Leaps over to still-fetal Henry)

Kayla: Nap time's over, Henry! Rise and shine already!

Henry: Ughh…. (Slowly gets up, now back in his original attire) It's cool. I'm back in the game.

Kayla: Oh Henry it was terrible! Those Jedi you hate so much went and beat me up! Boo hoo hoo hoo.

Henry: What!? They dare to hit a girl? MY girl? They won't get away with this, I promise you, dear!

Stan: He actually bought that junk?!

Sylvia: Affection does some crazy things, son.

Squishy: Yeah, just look at me and your mother.

Cope: Your words not mine, for once.

Kayla: But wait hon, these meanies are a lot tougher than they look. I say we combine our powers.

Henry: You think that's necessary?

Kayla: Yes it is! These bullies don't believe how true to each other you and I are. We should show them how powerful our bond really is. Also, Squishy over there called you a hick.

Squishy: Huh!?

Henry: He did?! Why that no good big-headed junk-obsessing midget! You're right, darlin'! These discourteous rogues need to be put in their places with the power of our love fusion! They must behold our passion first hand!

Kayla: That's the spirit!

Henry: We'll make things extra spicy for these fools! I'll lead, Kayla.

Kayla: Affirmative my Adonis!

(They do a ritual)

Both: Fuuuuuusion, HAA!

(They do a DBZ-style fusion despite their hilarious discrepancy in sizes)

Through their tricky technique the deities Kayla and Henry fused into the most powerful, sexually-fueled being in all creation:

Gene Simmons!

(In a poof of fiery smoke there struts in the hard-rockin' musician in his signature Demon outfit)

Jedi: NO F**KING WAY!

Gene Simmons: How's it goin', boys and girls! Are you ready to step into the Psycho Circus?

Anna: Okay, that's enough tomfoolery. I'm ending things here. (Begins charging Force Lightning)

Gene Simmons: Oh don't be like that, sweet thing. After all…

I was made for lovin' you, baby!

You were made for lo-vin' meeeee!

And I can't get enough of you, baby!

Can you get enough of meeeeee!

(Anna shoots out her bolt of lightning, but the moment Gene starts singing his vocals create an auditory barrier that halts the electricity, then quickly pushes back and dissipates it. A heady, vibrating atmosphere descends on the group as the Demon belts out his song)

Cope: What in the heckle?

Squishy: His vocals are too powerful!

Sara: His voice is so… sensual. I feel so… drawn towards it...

Anna: Stoicism… eroding… attraction… growing...

(Suddenly Anna, Sara and Sally throw themselves at Gene Simmons' feet)

Sally: What a hunkin' Demon of a man!

Will: Sara! Fight it!

Sara: It's just too much, Will! He lights my Heaven on fire!

Anna: Even I cannot deny him, and I don't even listen to KISS!

(As if to prove this point, Sylvia joins the three)

Squishy: Sylvia NO!

Sylvia: I'm sorry, my love, but he's too irresistible.

Sally: We can share him together, mom. Think of it as our special bonding moment.

Rick: Not happening.

(Rick draws his saber and dashes for Gene, unaffected by the sound of his voice or the draw of his words. But Gene is ready for him, stopping his singing to pull back and breathe out a large ball of flame that catches Rick's front. The Jaa-Ruuk leaps back to pat at his robes, but after snuffing the flames he brings up his saber in time to stop a blow from Gene's signature axe guitar. Gene cleaves and swings repeatedly down on Rick, being blocked at every blow before Gene raises one leg high and delivers a powerful kick to Rick's midsection, sending him sliding back. By then the ladies have snapped out from their trance and all charge the frontman, delivering their own saber slashes that get blocked and parried by the formidable axe. Gene then performs a powerful spinning slash that throws back the four, and once clear he lets out a mighty riff and flexes his tongue)

Gene Simmons: Get up!

("Detroit Rock City" starts playing as a slew of muscle cars spring into existence and rev all over the place, forcing the Jedi to jump and spin around for their safety, all while Gene rocks on to the music. Squishy tries playing Frogger in-between speeding vehicles, but a Coupe de Ville blindsides him and sends him spinning upwards. Cope tries fending off cars with his saber but only succeeds in slicing off headlights and sideview mirrors. Will, however, is able to catch onto one car and yank himself into the driver seat, finding it completely unoccupied. He takes control, shifting gears and hitting the gas before turning the wheel hard, spinning a donut before straightening it out. As he's driving along, Squishy lands in the passenger seat, and after the two Jedi regard each other they firmly nod and face forward, Will punching the gas for Gene while Squishy dons a pair of shades. As the car roars for him, Gene twists about and leaps into the air just before impact, raising his axe to slice the vehicle clean down the middle so that the two halves go past him. The Jedi bail out, and following an explosion all the other cars disappear. Gene turns to face the Jedi, raising the horns)

Gene Simmons: Yeow! I see you dudes trying to make me lose my swagger. But I'll be the one to make you Strutter!

(Gene widens his mouth and shoots out his tongue like a harpoon, unrolling like an endless fire hose. It winds its way around the Jedi's legs, and once it passes all of them it constricts, snaring everyone's ankles before hoisting them up high into the air so that they're left dangling upside down)

Will: This certainly wasn't where I thought my day would take me.

Gene Simmons: Aw yeah! Now we can rock n' roll all night and party everyday!

Anna: Is he just gonna keep reciting lyrics to his own songs?

Sara: I'm impressed he's still able to speak clearly.

(Rick tries slashing at the part of tongue holding him, but it undulates out of reach)

Rick: I can't reach it. Gaaah, so frickin' annoying.

Sylvia: There has to be some way to get free.

Cope: Don't you go thinking of cutting off your own leg, Stan! It's not worth it!

Stan: Why would I ever want to do that?

Jo: Wait! I might have something that can help! (Digs into robes, pulls out an aerosol can) Ready Hair Shine & Chrome Polish. Not to be ingested. This oughta get a reaction. (Readies spray)

Gene Simmons: Oh no you don't!

(He waggles his tongue to furiously shake Jo and make him lose his grip on the spray. The can flies in an arc, passing over Rick and Cope, slips past Squishy's grabby mitts and Anna's reach, but Sally whips her tail and smacks it into the hands of Sara)

Cope: Use it!

(Sara immediately sprays, causing the tongue section holding her to get irritated and loosen. She slips out and hits the ground flat, and picking herself up she spots every 80s rockstar's greatest weakness lying close by: A Random Bag of Cocaine. Quickly she snatches it and tosses it at the inappropriate tongue wrangler. In slow motion we watch the bag spin through the air before colliding full-on with Gene's face, exploding in a cloud of sugary powder)

Gene Simmons: But I was cleeeeeeeean!

(He's knocked off his feet and falls to the ground like a lump. The music stops and his tongue retracts like a tape ruler, freeing the Jedi and letting them fall back down to their feet)

Stan: Yes! We're free!

Cope: Good thinking with your tail, Sal.

Sally: Well I don't get to use it too often when it comes to fighting. It's nice mixing things up.

Will: Lucky for us there happened to be cocaine lying around, and that it's proving to be quite effective.

(Show Gene Simmons twitching and snorting wildly on the ground. Meanwhile, static fills Squishy's head again)

Cont: Great work; the Demon is down! He's now open for the finishing blow.

Squishy: Really? That easily?

Cont: What can I say: cocaine is a h*** of a drug. Especially if you're new to it. But that high won't last long, so you better finish him quick.

Squishy: How, though?

Cont: He's pretty much open to every finisher imaginable at this point. I'll let you have the honor of deciding how this ends.

Squishy: Ah gosh, really?

Cont: Yeah. Now hurry up already. (Signs out)

Squishy: Okay. Hmmmmmm. There's just so many choices. I honestly don't know which to pick. (Points at camera) America, You Decide!

(Confetti goes off everywhere as the American Idol theme plays)

Thaaat's right! You, the audience, will choose how the one and only Gene Simmons will be executed, to occur in the one place where anything and everything goes: The Steve Warz Series!

Squishy: It's all very simple, folks: Just text your request to "defascamnumber" using your cellular devices. We'll separate and tally the requests we receive, and whichever we receive the most of will be carried out live for your viewing pleasure. An important note: any request is acceptable. No matter how devious and twisted a method your sick little minds devise, it's all free game here! While voting takes place, please enjoy this commercial for an entirely unrelated story. Squishy out!

---

In a world that has traded hope and friendship for darkness…

"Darkness is the natural order. Light is a wandering dream—why do they abandon me?"

Where cruelty and indifference have become commonplace…

"Why're you here, Fetcher?"

"I could tear you asunder like a cockroach, but that wouldn't be satisfying for either of us."

A young warrior will preserve his master's twisted order…

"Go forth, my most valiant Vanguard. May my blessing protect you from danger, and may justice be delivered swiftly in the name of Equestria."

Even at the cost of his own soul…

"You… are a traitor to your species, Fetcher."

"Doing precisely what your precious princess told you. Just like the eternally loyal dog that you are."

"I'm no dog. I'm a dragon."

DEATH BY DRAGON

Available in its entirety on

FiMFiction dot net

"I hope you're prepared for the consequences."

---

Squishy: And we're back. Hopefully you all voted because the lines are officially closed. We've tallied the results and have ourselves a winner. And to present the chosen method of execution, please welcome our special guest executors: Master and Crazy Hand from Super Smash Bros!

(Two huge white-gloved hands pop onto the scene, one of them twitchier than the other. They wave to the round of applause before floating over to Gene Simmons as he's getting up, wiping powder and blood from his face. Once in position, the two hands give okay signs)

Squishy: They are ready to perform. Drum roll, please.

(Drum roll plays as the two hands flex their fingers and crack each others knuckles. Then they reach down for Gene's chest and grip his nipples. He looks downward shocked, then up at the hands as they ready to move. But as they're about to twist, the whole screen goes censored)

Gene Simmons: (Hideous scrunching noise) KEEEAIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

(Screen returns to normal. Gene is writhing on the ground with both his arms braced hard against his chest)

Deep Nurple-tration!

Gene Simmons: YAAAAAAH! Somebody call Dr. Love cuz this pain is unbearable! Why would you do this to me? WHYYYY?!

Squishy: Ohhhh, talk about a fitting twist! And there you have it: Henry and Kayla's great demise! Thanks again, audience!

Sara: Who are you talking to, Squishy?

Jo: And where'd those giant hands go?

(The suffering Gene begins spiraling toward a forming wormhole while still in the throes of agony)

Gene Simmons: I can't get done in like this! The votes were rigged! They were Rigged!

Anna: Quit yer b***hin' and get yourself cleaned up ya sex maniac!

Sally: (Waving) See ya later!

Gene Simmons: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame! (Pops into nothingness)

Will: Whew. Is it finally over?

Cope: I believe so. I don't know how exactly, but once more we stand victorious.

Stan: Gooooooo Us!

Rick: That was one tough, bizarre battle. That Kayla was certainly something, but that Henry guy... (Shakes head) Didn't strike me as a Contractor sort in the slightest.

Sally: Huh. I guess that was Kayla's power I was feeling earlier. Either way, we still won!

Sylvia: But what do we do from here?

Jo: I believe we need to get back to that dragon and bust it open. Once everyone's out, we can put Contractor to work in fixing up every—

NOOO!

(A great black cloud of putrid anger erupts into existence, causing all reality to quake. Within the cloud are a pair of flaring eyes)

Squishy: WHOA!

Jo: What the—?!

You ARE NOT getting rid of me LIKE THAT! Far too long you have been living your lives like a game. NOW is the time I show you what REAL, SERIOUS storytelling Is All ABOUT!

(A powerful wind burst hits the bewildered Jedi and draws them into the cloud. They yell whilst spinning ever deeper into the hate cloud until everything goes black)

…Umm…

This is… certainly different.

Yeah, it appears that our characters have been sucked completely out of the story. In fact, they've been taken to a whole other story entirely. Hold on, I believe this is the link to it: archiveofourown dot org /works/22984156/chapters/54948604

Very weird, and I hope things get resolved quickly so they come back. Otherwise... this story might not get a proper ending.

Regardless, thanks for reading. And, uh, good luck.