Author's Note: After several iterations I don't think I can keep rewriting this whole chapter. I'm still not convinced I did as much as a good job as I had. But I wont hold it back at this stage from progressing the story.
The jigsaw puzzle that was Paulo's world didn't quite make as much sense as it once had one short moment ago. He understood as much as he stared back onto it somewhere inside of him; it laid across a table, all in a familiar mess he had become used to by now. It was ever so far from completion. The picture it promised didn't come close to taking on a form he could recognise; the pieces were just too scattered for it to be coherent. A worrisome sorrow haunted him as he surveyed it; he couldn't have helped but believe it would stay in such a fragmented state for quite a while. Was it as the same for his friends? How far behind them was he exactly? Was it okay for it to be in such a state at this point in his life? He didn't have the answer. His questions continued to make the feelings inside of him feel more complex; he just wasn't sure about anything anymore. As he thought more about the pieces, a smile formed on his face despite the raging mixture of emotions; each piece that was here represented the world as he saw it, shaped by the things around him; family, experiences, and more importantly friends; all equally important, everything that mattered to Paulo and him alone. Everything within them were invaluable to him.
Sue was right, he never had to isolate himself from his friends.
Paulo's attention drew itself to several pieces which had lifted out from the place they once inhabited. His smile dissipated, overwhelmed by a soreness forming in his heart; it tried to warn him. His hands shook as they reached out and began to collect the rampant pieces. He bought them closer to inspect them, he could recognise them as knowledge he'd formed himself, but they didn't feel right as they once had. He noticed their shape had changed; they didn't appear to fit in anymore.
Why would they? Sue's words from moments before shook him to his core. The more he thought about those words came a realisation, and more pieces found themselves being reshaped. He could only watch as more pieces lifted from the place they once lived. He grew afraid at the result. The puzzle was already such a long way away from being completed and now nothing appeared to be as it seemed. He could do nothing but watch as the puzzle took on a form unlike what he was used to; unclear, unfamiliar. It didn't make sense looking at it. He didn't know where to start with it again.
For the second time in his life, he felt utterly lost.
Whatever remained of the shell Paulo had erected around himself and his feelings was no more; Sue's words didn't just cut its way into his view of his world, it cut deep into his soul; remorseless as she needed to be to try and wake some sense into him to make him realise he didn't have to be alone. She may have succeeded; he didn't really mean to cut everyone out of his life. He just didn't want to hurt anymore; not since Lucy. He had only spent the greater of his high-school years crushing over her, evermore so deeply in love with her even after she disappeared for the greater part of their sophomore year. Paulo had gone all-in on his heart, nothing would get in the way. Nothing else mattered so long as they were together. He'd find his way through life so long as she was beside him. But he didn't count on Lucy putting an end to it herself. There was shame, he had truly lost a lot leading towards that day. He had thought for a moment in his life some years ago he may have seen the picture from the puzzle, or at least a premonition, but he forgot what that was. He chose to listen to his heart instead. That became the worst part about the whole ordeal; his heart was the only aspect of himself he felt he could trust. But when Lucy drove the knife into him he didn't know whether he could bring himself to trust it again. The picture was gone, and so was his chances at a happier ending. He wasn't sure if he could forgive himself so easily for it.
Paulo shut himself away over the summer holidays as some punishment to himself. He only left his house when he needed to work. He was much too ashamed to front his friends. He was such a prideful creature, he had nothing; no picture, no Lucy, nothing to make up for everything long since. He wouldn't believe he deserved his friends. Had he really cared to notice, his friends would not have abandoned him; he might have noticed David and Daisy were showing up at Burgertron on some days through the weeks when they could, for a few minutes just to make sure he was okay. But they'd be none the wiser about what was really going on; how could they really tell when Paulo himself said he was fine? He drove such a convincing façade when clearly things were anything but. Behind the scenes he was destroying himself on the inside when they weren't in view. It may have continued like this had Sue not seen through it when she did. He didn't know when that was exactly, or why for that matter, but that fact alone continued to pick at Paulo. They locked horns so many times, why did she continue to try so hard with him? Why did she continue to see him as a friend when he would struggle to return the favour himself? Did it just have to have been Sue? Was there really no one else just as dedicated?
Paulo felt awful when that thought came up. Did these thoughts need to linger inside of him? It wasn't fair, especially to someone like Daisy; he knew her, he knew she'd try as hard as she could. She meant well to him, always. Maybe there was a reason for it? Maybe she thought he needed as much space as possible. Or maybe she was scared? He had yelled at her once. The memory played back in his head. God, he needed to fix his relationship with her the next time he'd see her. If only she was as aggressive as Sue had been.
As he thought of Sue, his heart hurt inside. He knew deep down inside it wasn't fair for her either. He was never fair to her; he'd bitch about it inside himself; why Sue of all people? But here she was, telling him words that conflicted with his own knowledge. She wanted to be friends with him; despite their differences, despite their inability to work together. She wanted to be there all this time. The more he thought about it, the more the questions he didn't have the answers to begin to pile up.
A mixture of guilt and terror began to build inside him at the prospect the very same Sue who stood in front of him was not the same Sue he thought of and said so many horrible things to so many years ago. She had taken on a whole different persona to try and get closer to him; an outright-objectionable idea to Paulo, but the only way she thought she could somehow get closer to him. Somewhere deep inside him he wondered if maybe it had some ingenuity behind it, he didn't think this could all start from being clocked in the head with her homework. He knew, of course; he didn't imagine the footprint. It set off the guilt in his heart. Why was he such an asshole to her? He had completely confused her for something else. He was so sorry to her. He didn't feel he deserved this kindness and commitment.
Back in the real world, Sue would have the same thoughts at that moment. It was hard for her to admit it but she had done all she could up to this stage. Paulo was too reluctant to work with her, it caused nothing but heartache and the feeling of futility. Paulo had apologised to her, he asked her not to give up on him. But Sue shook her head when it was all said and done. Paulo was crestfallen, why did she change her mind?
'I've tried to help you, Paulo. I…I tried.' Sue told him. 'I didn't mean to pry so much into as I did back before, I really didn't mean to make it feel like I was hounding you! But every time I try to learn something about you, you push me away! You've got such a hostile attitude when I try to come close. I can't keep up with us going at each other's throats; friends shouldn't do this! Maybe...maybe you need time alone to yourself.'
Paulo felt the fear bubble inside him, he tried being on his own once before, it didn't help him; it made him worse. He didn't want to be alone, 'No. Please, I want to try again, I want to change everything! What do I need to do to convince you?' A desperation lingered in his voice as he begged her to stay.
Sue's shoulders dropped at the words; she didn't know, she really didn't know. Her heart was at its limit; it had been too much of an emotional day. Deep down she wanted to believe Paulo wanted to change. She really wanted to help him move forwards. But right now, all she just wanted to go home; she wanted to leave him with her heart's impression on his mind and return to it tomorrow when their heads were clearer. But as nice as it sounded in her head, her own heart found itself conflicted with the idea. She just couldn't. She remembered the one time she let Lucy be with her own thoughts about Mike years ago. She knew what Lucy had tried to do that one time. Paulo…. God, no; she didn't want a second occurrence of that either. It was such a bad time to try and give up now. Sue knew somewhere behind that attitude of his there was a side of Paulo he'd only once show to someone special to him. She couldn't work off his romantic interests and feelings, there had to be something else there that only she could work off; maybe even something else even he'd be too scared to show to a romantic interest. She could only find that now, but she didn't know how. She tried so many times before and she never came any closer to it! Did this all just have to feel like some sort of game?!
It escaped from her and came from out of nowhere; 'Truth or Dare?'
Paulo's jaw dropped slightly agape when he heard it. Paulo could only stare back at her, convinced the world around him had gone mad. It wasn't just him after all. They hadn't played that since…Acapulco. 'What?' He asked her.
It took a second for Sue to realised what she said. She didn't mean to; it slipped out. Her hand met her face in embarrassment; it had gotten so bad she couldn't even stop the words she was thinking from leaking out. She didn't try to think about explaining it. The world's weight on her shoulders was already too much along with Paulo's expectation to prove his worth. She looked up at him again, 'Forget it…. look at least…at least tell me the truth about why you were so interested in that stupid game.' She felt ashamed at asking the question; everything seemed to go back to that game. Did that really have to be the only thing they both had in common?
Paulo mulled at the question. He understood the intent; Truth or Dare. Although, she only wanted the truth. A part of him felt sceptical about what she was asking for; he could lie, in fact, some part of him was telling him just to do so. He could give a half assed answer. Would he dare? What would she know if he did?
But he wouldn't; his heart wouldn't let him. The words were soft-spoken, something new from the Paulo Sue knew herself; 'I never gave it too much thought. It just seemed like something fun to do.' He admitted. 'I guess there might have been multiple reasons, but it's hard to think of which one meant the most.'
'What was most important about it? If…If you need more time I can wait! We can try again tomorrow if you'd feel better.' She told him.
He didn't want her to leave. He rushed to fix the puzzle in his head, the reason was in there somewhere but it wasn't any clearer to him; he needed more time, did it really need to be something they just didn't seem to have anymore? He tried to remember what he read in the logs, it felt nostalgic for some reason. He felt like he was there. He went with that feeling; 'It reminded me of the old days when everyone still used to have fun together. You might've been right back then; it didn't seem too different from the games David and I used to play back when we were kids. I kind'a remember those days fondly…and the ones where everyone was together.'
Sue hoped for some elated feelings at the words; her prediction rang true about Paulo's past and the game, but the feeling never came. She couldn't ignore the worried feeling inside of her; she struggled to remember a time herself when everyone had fun together herself. Someone was always at an expense when they were. Did their past need to have been so cruel? She returned a light smile to Paulo regardless. It was not the answer she was looking for, but Paulo did what she asked of him. But it was sad; it lacked the silver-lining she was looking for, nothing connected them both deeper. She began to have doubts about the whole thing; maybe she wasn't cut out for this, maybe she was just the wrong person for this after all.
She gave a light smile, 'Let's treat this like a starting point.' She tried to say cheerfully to him. 'We should just leave it all like this for today and come back to it all tomorrow. I'll leave it to you to decide when you want to study again. I'll be in the usual place at school.' She turned to leave. She couldn't do anything more at this point. There was nothing in her mind that could make this situation better. But she'd try tomorrow if she'd let him. She started to make her way home.
Paulo could do nothing but watch on as Sue made her way up the street. He only felt despair; it felt like back then. He really didn't want her to leave. Was that not the right answer she was looking for? There must have been something else in his heart, something else which had meaning. His desperation spoke for him; 'Sue, stop! There's more!' He didn't wait for her to turn around, 'I was jealous of it. I was jealous I was never invited to it myself. If I'd been… if I had only known way back at start of everything I swear things would've been different from the beginning between us!'
As he finished saying the words he turned home himself. He only managed a few short steps up the road where he came before he crashed against the side of the building they stood against. He let the tears roll down his face. It was all like back then; when he was with Lucy. The wrong words, the wrong feelings, and emotions. Why couldn't he just get anything right for a change? He felt himself starting to break down. He tried to distract himself, he thought about what he would do tonight; he'd message Amaya and let her know he tried as soon as he walked through the door, hopefully that might mend whatever remained of her opinion of him, though he could count himself out on any more favours from her for a while. He'd do some of his homework, make dinner, and then cry himself to sleep.
He started to hate himself again. He really didn't believe he deserve Sue's help. He'd try again on his own, like he promised. If he couldn't succeed in being able to work things out on his own this year, he'd at least just try to fix himself. Sue was right, he needed to help himself. There were more things to himself, he just needed to rediscover them.
He felt a hand softly rest on his shoulder. Paulo looked over his shoulder to find Sue, but he couldn't see her face. As he turned around to face her she fell into him and wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace. 'Don't say anything. You need this more than I do.' She told him.
He felt himself melt inside, it had been such a long time, he'd forgotten how long it'd been since found himself on the receiving end of a hug. The weight just seemed to lift from the world. It couldn't have been that simple. He wondered, his thoughts went to Sue. He wrapped his arms around her as well, 'You shouldn't lie; you need this just as much'. He felt her response as she pulled herself in tighter to him to try and muffle her breathing as she cried.
Paulo had to deal with the truth; Lucy was gone, and he wouldn't ever know why. It just happened. He needed to overcome it. He needed to move on and live for himself for a change. He knew Lucy left some big task up to Sue, and she couldn't complete it. Sue wouldn't tell him what that was exactly. But he'd try to figure out what it was and return the favour. He only needed time. If only they knew each other's feelings earlier. Nothing was okay back at the start of the year as they both made it out to be. What fools they were.
When Sue believed she had finished she would eventually push back off Paulo. She looked up at Paulo, expecting something she would have earned it after all these months…years. Paulo knew what she was after; 'I meant what I said; if there was an option to start again from scratch and do it all again differently, I'd do it.' He told her. His pained face told her the rest of the message, don't give up on me just yet, I can change. I'll try.
Neither had the power to turn back time, they couldn't somehow go back to middle school and do it all over. They'd have to forgive each other as best they could, and start over with renewed knowledge. Neither of them would have to go it alone.