And In My Mind You Are Suspended

I woke up to a loud crashing sound. No, it was more than that. It sounded like someone was trying to demolish the place. God, it was so loud, but what…? What the hell was it?

I kept my eyes closed while I tried to figure out what I was hearing. Was it a bulldozer? Or a wrecking ball? No, that didn't make sense. Plus, I really didn't know what either of those machines sounded like when they were being used. I could only imagine it and thanks to television I felt like it was pretty accurate.

When I opened my eyes, I stifled a gasp behind the back of my left hand. What was I doing up at the cabin? I hadn't been up here since… Since… THAT night. I just couldn't bring myself to do it after Opie told me about what he had found. It took me a while to get the truth out of him to tell me every detail and well… I think it would have been easier to live my life in blissful ignorance.

Then again it wouldn't be fair for him to live with all of that on his own. We were two peas in a pod. We helped each other through everything. Having a twin meant always having someone who had your back, no matter what. So, I forced him to tell me the truth so that I could help to shoulder some of the burden.

Yeah, we were in this together. Maybe that's why I was here. Opie and I had talked about doing something together to commemorate our Dad. Did I suggest coming up here? Yeah… That… That made sense.

I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair while I tried to wake up and get my bearings. As I pulled my left hand away from my head, I couldn't help but to stare at the back of it. When did I get my cast off? The fingernails on my right hand scratched at my skull before I pulled it away through nothing but air. Huh, I was still bald. Okay, that made sense. And so did waiting until I had my cast off to come up here.

Suddenly a bout of laughter hit me. No wonder it sounded like the whole cabin was coming down. Sasquatch never could hold his liquor. Damn, I hope Opie made it to the toilet before he lost his lunch.

Poor Baby Bro, I thought as I pulled on an oversized hoody over the t-shirt I fell asleep in. I snatched up my lounge pants from the floor and pulled them on too. I was still giggling as I left my room and made my way down the hall as I called out, "Opie? Hey… Are you alright, Baby Bro? Ope?"

"Opie's fine," I heard a voice reply as I stepped into the living room. Suddenly the room shifted so that it looked as trashed as Opie had described finding it. Clay slowly started to stand up then shrugged adding, "At least I assume he is since he isn't here and all."

"Clay?" I mumbled out as my eyes moved to his feet. "What…? Why are you here?"

His gaze followed mine as I quietly whispered out in horror, "Daddy?"

He stood up to his full height and took a step towards me. Holy shit! When did he get so tall? God, he absolutely towered over me. Especially since I was shrinking back and away from him.

"Andie… It isn't what it looks like," he finally said as he took another step towards me.

I instinctively took a step back and then ran into the door jamb. Clay let out a chuckle that quickly morphed into a growl. I pulled my hair out of my face and turned to run down the hallway. It didn't take long for Clay to give chase. At least I assume it didn't because I didn't have the courage to turn around and find out for sure.

As I ran, the hall seemed to get longer and longer. Shit. I just had to get back to my room. If I could do that then I could get to my phone and call for help. Yeah, a couple of reinforcements and I'd be okay. Well… not okay, but closer to safe.

I kept running even though my lungs started to burn and my legs felt like they were going to give out on me. God, how far away was my room? The cabin wasn't really all that big, right? What the fuck was happening?

Just as soon as that thought came to me, I saw the door to my bedroom appeared to my right. I sprinted towards it and turned the knob without slowing down. As soon as I was through the door, I slammed it shut and pressed my back against it while I tried to catch my breath. I could hear Clay yelling out my name, but he still sounded like he was far away. Good, now I just needed a couple of minutes to hide so that I could plan my escape.

I kept my eyes closed until I felt my heartbeat finally start to slow down. Okay, good. Now all I had to do was get to a window then I could run into the woods. Or to Dad's junker. I wasn't sure which would be best. But either way, I had to get to the window. I HAD to get outside.

When I opened my eyes, I couldn't stop a soft gasp from escaping through my lips because I wasn't in my room. No, I… I was standing outside by the font porch. What the actual fuck?

I stood frozen in my spot until I heard Clay bellow from the front door that had been kicked in, "ANDIE!"

"Shit," I cursed out as I turned and tried to run away. TRIED being the operative term.

Before I could take a step, I felt someone grab the hood of my sweatshirt. Someone, HA! CLAY grabbed the hood and yanked it back with so much force that he almost pulled me off my feet. Not that I let that stop me.

When I made my next attempt to run away, Clay grabbed a fistful of hair and jerked me back by it. I don't' know how he did it, but the next thing I knew, I was down on my knees in front of him.

As I watched him raise his fist over his head, I cried out, "Please don't do this, Uncle Clay! Please?!"

"I'm sorry, but I… I can't… can't take my chances."

"PLEASE!" I screamed through my tears with my eyes still on his fist.

He slowly lowered it and then stroked my cheek with his fingers. His left hand still had a firm grip on my hair as he lovingly caressed my cheek ad spoke in an eerily calm tone. "I'm sorry, Sweetheart. You… You know too much."

"NO!" I cried out as tears continued to cascade down my cheeks. "I don't know anything! PLEASE! PLEASE, UNCLE CLAY! PLEASE, DON'T!"

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he reared his fist back over his head. "I can't risk it."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

This time when I opened my eyes, I found myself at Opie's house. I was in my bed in his spare bedroom with sweat pouring down my face.

I pulled the neck of my nightshirt up over my face to mop up some of the sweat. Fuck. That was just a dream? NO! That was a fucking nightmare! Right?

I slowly got out of bed to move over to the vanity in the room. As I checked myself out in the mirror, I let out a sigh of relief. I was still completely bald because I didn't want to let my hair start to grow back until I had my staples removed. They were gone now but shaving my head had become such a habit that I still did it a couple of days after they were removed.

I brushed my right hand over my stubbled hair as I looked down at my left arm. I still wore a compression sleeve when I slept because I didn't want to mess up all of the work my surgeons had done. Seriously, I had had a bone sticking out through my skin at one point and I really wasn't looking to have to have to go under the knife again.

I forced my eyes back up to my reflection so that I was looking at my face. I still looked exhausted, but that was nothing new. Since my restaurant had opened, I was lucky if I got more than four hours of sleep each night. But tonight FELT different. My exhaustion wasn't just physical, it was spiritual too.

While I sat in front of the vanity, I pulled my nightshirt off so that I could towel up the rest of the sweat pouring out all over my body. God, the last time I felt this gross and covered in sweat, I had strep throat in the tenth grade. Opie and Jax had made me all kinds of weird soups to help me heal. Most of them were so disgusting that they almost made me puke, but I ate each and every one. They were being sweet and I tried my bet to show my gratitude for it.

After staring at my reflection for a few minutes, I decided I had to wash some of the stink off me. Opie hadn't tried to make me do much of anything except eat and drink water since he brought me here from the hospital. He had even had Ellie bring in my meals to me so that I couldn't say no. He played it off that he was just trying to make sure that I could take my antibiotics, so I had to eat. He knew I wouldn't be taking any pain meds while my memory was so messed up, but antibiotics? Those I felt compelled to take so I didn't make matters worse.

While I stood under the scolding hot water in the shower, I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the back wall. The water from the shower head hit my naked back and all I could think was that I wished Happy was here. He would make sure that he washed every inch of my back so that I wouldn't have to tackle that feat on my own. Plus, he would be able to tell me how long he thought the bald spot at the back of my head would last. He had a very interesting set of skills and experiences that meant he just somehow knew what to say to help to ease my mind.

Happy, I thought as I poured some body wash into my hands. How could I ever forget Happy? I questioned as I rubbed the body wash over my head and torso. Shit! Fuck! Did he know what happened to me? Or…? Shit. What had Opie told everyone? What tale had he spun to explain my absence to people like my boyfriend? Fuck. He had made Happy stand down at the cemetery, so it had to have been a pretty good story.

Dammit Opie! Why didn't you tell me what you said? Maybe then I would know where to start with Happy. What lies would I have to squash for everyone to believe I truly was myself again?

I tried not to think about it too much while I got dressed. Even though my case had been off just as long as my staples had been out, I still found myself wearing one of Opie's or Happy's hoodies. They were like a security blanket and I had no qualms admitting that to myself. I also took to wearing the ball cap Opie had given me over a toque because it felt more comfortable to hide my bald head while I let my hair grow out to properly hide the scar that had caused my new hair style.

Opie had been borrowing my truck since his rollover on the reservation with Jax, so I called a cab to take me to TM. It was weird coming back here by myself. I guess I had assumed Opie would have brought me here to help jog my memory, but that hadn't happened. Now that I felt like I had pretty much all of my memories back, I guess it also made sense that he hadn't. Clay had killed our Dad and it wouldn't take much for Opie to blame the whole MC for Dad's death. I hate to admit it, but by keeping me away from them, I think he had hoped to sway my opinion to match his as well. But now I was seeing clearly and I knew Dad's death had nothing to do with the club. Clay had done that all on his own because of old shit between the two of them. No one else in the club knew what that shit was so there was no way that they would greenlight that level of retaliation or action for Clay.

No, he was a lone wolf who had strayed front the pack. He made the choice without anyone else's input.

I paused at the door to the clubhouse to take in a couple of deep breathes before I pulled it open. I swear I felt like I was seventeen again and was going inside to check on Opie and Jax after their vote. I still don't know what I planned to do if either of them lost the vote to be a prospect, but I still marched in there like I ruled that domain and would smite anyone who dared to vote no.

Damn. THOSE were the days, I thought with a chuckle as I pulled the door open.

While I waited for my eyes to adjust to the dim light inside, I heard someone say, "This is a private club."

I nodded and pulled the hood off my head answering, "I know."

"Good. So, turn around and see yourself out."

"You see yourself out," I retorted with a sneer as I turned to face the man who was trying to confront me. "And go fuck yourself while you're at it, Juice."

He opened his mouth, but no noise came out of it. If he ever came up with a reply, I didn't hear it because Phil called out, "Miss Andie? Is that you?"

I smiled and tipped my hat back so that my face would be more easily seen. "Hey Phil, it is. Have…? Have you seen…?" And my question got lost as my eyes found the man I was seeking. I took a couple of steps towards him as I whispered, "Hap… Grumpy…"

One corner of Happy's mouth twitched in a half smile as he replied, "Hey Princess."

We kept walking towards each other as I asked, "Can…? Can we talk for a minute?"

"Sure," he answered automatically.

As he picked up my hand to kiss the back of it, I looked around the room. Nearly the whole club was here, including some new members I vaguely remembered seeing before at different functions over the years. Shit. I didn't want to have this conversation in front of EVERYONE. Shit.

Happy kept my right hand in his and used it to lead me through the clubhouse. Good. He obviously felt the same way about wanting to have some privacy, so I followed him willingly. Well, at least I did until I noticed where he was taking me. Sure, the apartment would be private, but I hated spending time there. Happy knew that he number one reason was that both Jax and Opie had fucked the same porn star in there and fucked up their relationships. Okay, Jax had only done so temporarily, but the logic still stands.

Lucky for me, Jax stepped out of the chapel as we approached the hall wo the apartment. "Andie?"

I turned and smiled. This is why the clubhouse always felt like home. Jax rushed over to me and gave me a tight hug. Happy let go of my hand so that I could hug Jax back just as fiercely.

"I'm so sorry, Andie," he whispered against my ear. "I promise he'll suffer worse when the time comes."

"I'll hold you to that," I replied quietly before I pushed out of his embrace to look him in the eye. I leaned up to kiss his cheek then said, "I love you, Jax."

"Love you too, Andie. So? Where are you two heading?"

Happy pulled me into his side as he answered, "To the apartment."

"Oh? Sorry to interrupt."

"JAX! It's just to talk!" I cried out indignantly. I took a step forward to playfully swat his arm, but I froze when I saw Clay exit the chapel.

Our eyes met for a brief second, but he quickly turned his head and walked towards the bar. Happy pulled me into his side again and started running his hand up and down my arm in an attempt to comfort me. I tucked my face into his shoulder so I missed seeing Clay flee towards then men's restroom.

Jax kept his gaze trained on Clay's invisible route saying, "Why don't you two go to the chapel. I'll make sure no one interrupts you."

"Thanks, Pres," Happy replied as he moved towards the chapel.

I made him pause a moment to kiss Jax's cheek again with a quiet, "Thanks."

Once we were in the chapel, Happy immediately sat in the chair he usually occupied when the club was in this room. I laughed silently to myself because I could tell it was a habit for him. He didn't have to think twice about doing it at all, he just moved to that seat automatically. I hurried over to sit in the chair to his left. I don't know whose seat it was and to be completely honest I really didn't care.

Once we were seated, I pulled my sleeves over my hands and stared at them as I started in a meek tone, "I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long…"

"Hang on," he interrupted. Happy waited until I turned my head to look at him before he reached over to remove my cap saying, "Can I…?"

"NO!" I nearly shouted in my haste to stop him. I gripped his wrist gently as I continued, "I mean, please don't."

"Princess, I've already told you, I don't care how you wear your hair. Long or short, you're beautiful."

"What if it's all gone?" I asked in a tearful tone.

He frowned but didn't say anything. He DID pull the brim of my cap back to remove it. At first, I thought about stopping him, but in the end, I didn't do anything to stop him. I was here to have an open and honest discussion with him about what had happened and my current hairstyle was an important part of that discussion.

I couldn't bear to see his reaction, so I turned my face down so that I could stare at the tabletop. I could feel Happy's eyes examining the part of the scar that was now visible, but he said nothing and didn't make a single sound to betray him to reveal how he was truly feeling. After a couple of seconds, he cupped my chin and gently moved it so that I was now facing him.

At first, I just stared at his chest. I wanted to make sure that the tears I could feel gathering in the corners of my eyes weren't going to fall before I looked at him. When I thought I had my emotions under control, I finally moved my gaze to make eye contact with him.

Happy smiled softly and brushed a tear that escaped out of my left eye with the back of his right index finger. "Princess, you are gorgeous."

"Liar," I whispered with a tearful chuckle.

That earned me a glare that lacked any heat to make it look the least bit sincere. He then leaned forward to steal a kiss before he explained, "Now there's no hair for you to hide your beautiful hazel eyes from me. You truly are a goddess, Princess."

"Wow, I almost believe you, Grumpy."

"You should, it's the truth." I whispered a barely perceptible 'Thank you' around the lump growing in my throat while Happy brushed another tear away with his thumb. He kept his hand wrapped around my neck and the base of my skull as he continued, "I hope this is one of the things you wanted to talk about."

"It is. Okay… so… I'm sorry it's taken me so long to contact you. While I was at the cabin, someone came up and… and… attacked us…"

"Clay just told us about Piney… Did…? Did he…?"

I reached out to grab Happy's free hand and hugged it into my chest. "He…? He confessed?" Happy just nodded with an angry scowl on his face. "Wow. I didn't see that coming. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure. The doctors and cops think someone hit me over the head with something heavy. They were thinking baseball bat or two by four because they removed wood splinters during surgery… but I'm thinking it was the butt of a sawed-off shotgun that did it."

"Surgery? How bad…? Why…?"

"I'm getting there. So, I don't remember a lot, but when I woke up and found Dad, I tried to get him help. For some stupid reason, I thought driving to get help would be faster than trying to call someone. The next thing I knew, I woke up and nearly a week had gone by. The police explained that I drove my dad's car off the road and hit a tree. Then a good Samaritan found me and called 911. Once I was at the hospital, they did emergency surgery and relieved pressure on my brain… or had to stop bleeding… I… I can't really remember. And they…" I paused to pull my left sleeve back to show him that scar. "They also had to set a compound fracture here. That was the only injury that was actually caused by the car accident. Before you ask, no one else was hurt because of me being behind the wheel… and the doctor is convinced it was the brain injury that cause me to black out, not alcohol. They tested my blood and I wasn't drunk."

"Shit. That's a lot for your body to heal."

"You can say that again. Once I was awake, I started seeing a psychologist. He tried to help me overcome my amnesia. Slowly, I started to remember things like my name…" I let out a humorless laugh at that. "Fuck. I couldn't even remember my own damn name at first. But then I remembered Opie and asked them to call him. I… I don't know what he told you but… but I… I…"

When he could tell that I was struggling, Happy mercifully cut in saying, "He said you were having troubles with your memory. That you didn't remember Hale was dead at first and that when you remembered watching him die that it was like you were mourning him for the first time again."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" He questioned, drying both of my cheeks with the sleeve of his hoody. "Princess, you had amnesia. You have nothing to apologize for."

"I feel like I should because you mean so much to me. I don't know why it took me so long to remember you. Really, I'm so sorry it took me so long."

"Andie, it's fine. Opie explained a lot of what happened, so we're… it's alright, Princess. We're good."

"Really? He did? He… He didn't tell me that."

"I figured as much. He said that the doctor said that you shouldn't try to force your memories or anything, so he was going to have you stay with him for the time being."

"That's true. But I wish he had of brought me here sooner, it might have helped the process to work a lot faster."

"Well that might be true, but he was doing what he thought was best for you."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"What? Why would you say that, Princess?"

"He's so angry right now because of what Clay did that he… he… He's putting the blame on the whole club. I think he kept me away from all of you on purpose. After I saw you at the cemetery everything came back to me. Even finding Dad covered… covered in… in…"

"Shh…" Happy shushed me as he pulled me to sit on his lap. I tucked myself against his chest with my head under his chin. He rocked me from side to side until he felt my tears start to subside. Then he kissed my temple and quietly said, "You remember me now, that's all that matters. Don't blame yourself for things you couldn't control. It isn't fair for you to beat yourself up about that. I don't blame you, so you can't blame yourself."

I sat and let him hold me while I forced myself to calm down. It didn't take me long before I was finally feeling like I had myself under control again. Once my breathing had evened out completely, I blew my nose a couple of times and then dried my cheeks with the sleeve of my hoody.

I then leaned back and took in a deep breath to say, "Happy, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, you can, Princess."

"In…? Uhh… In your expert opinion, do you…? Do you think I'll have a bald spot for life?"

"My expert opinion?" He replied with a chuckle. "You might, but if you grow your hair out you should be able to cover it up easily."

"Okay…"

We sat in silence and he raised his right hand to massage the back of my neck. "What else is on your mind?"

"I… I was… I was also wondering… Can…? I mean… Is it okay with you if I move back home?"

"Andie…." He gasped out with a shocked look on his face. "Princess, nothing would make me happier."

"So, I can move back today?"

"I'll borrow the van…"

That caused me to bark out a laugh. I threw my arms around his neck and gave him a bruising kiss. "Opie only packed a bag for me, so the van won't be necessary."