A/N: hi guys! this is my first fanfic ever. uh i dont really have much to say but im sorry if its trashy ahahah i'm still trying to get the grasp of writing stories. disclaimer: i do not own any characters or the plot of Me Before You or the song Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish. (Its a really good song tho give it a listen) im going to cut this short, uh once again my apologies if its trashy but if you liked it do review or tell me what to improve on! P.S sorry for the trash title haha i couldnt think of anything better
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One week.
It's been a week since the love of my life, Will Traynor, decided that our love just wasn't enough for him. Funny how I thought I was able to get him to change his mind. He showed me a whole new world and I thought I did too, I thought I showed him that this life is worth pursuing. Our life. Apparently it still wasn't enough for him.
Ever since I came back from Switzerland, I've done nothing but stay in my room. Mrs Traynor said to go to Paris in a few weeks, but I doubt I'd be ready to face whatever Will is going to put me through again.
Mum and Treena keep assuring me everything's going to be fine, but is it really? Is anything going to be okay again, knowing that Will isn't with me? Knowing that he's not going to come back to me? Knowing that we can't explore the world, get married, nag at each other when we're both old together? Doing all these things with someone else just doesn't seem right. I can't tell mum or treena this either. They'd just tell me I'll find someone else. What they don't understand is it's not going to feel the same.
They all tell me to go out, walk in the sun, get some fresh air. Eventually I got very tired of their constant "friendly reminders", so I decided to turn on the radio for some music I can play, like Will did sometimes. Only to listen to a song that's weirdly relatable...it's called what, Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish? Something like that. I wasn't really listening until I heard the lyrics.
"help, i lost myself again
but i remember you"
Hold on.. are these lyrics speaking for me? This is exactly how I feel right now. I'm starting to forget who i am. Louisa Clark just isn't Louisa Clark. She's not bright, chatty, optimistic anymore. She doesn't wear bright clothes anymore. To be more specific, all i wear right now is Will's sweater. I don't want the scent of him, the memory of him, as if he was still with me, to fade.
"dont come back
it won't end well
but i wish you'd tell me to"
No, this is stupid. I'd die for Will to come back to me. I'd do anything to wake up next to him every morning, to tell him how much I love him. Even if it was only for a day more. There are so many things left unsaid between us.
"Our love is six feet under"
Yeah of course now that the man I loved was six feet under I figure our love is too.. our love that wasn't enough for him. It was more than enough for me. He was everything I wanted. How bold of him to assume I deserve more. Why didn't he try and understand that even if I might deserve better, like he said, I still want him? I don't need some bloke who can give me what he wants to give me, I want him and only him.
"I cant help but wonder"
Wonder what? What else is there to wonder? The answer is nothing. I've been on cloud 9 for too long, thinking I've changed his mind and we could have our own little happy ever after. Now I'm greeted by cold hard reality.
"If our graves were watered by the rain
Would roses bloom?
Could roses bloom again?"
I doubt it. But I'm sure a rose or two on his grave or our grave marking the end of our love would be nice. I'll be sure to get that the next time i go visit him (most likely when I'm drunk for the 50th time this week or month, mum says I've done it before.)
"Retrace my lips
Erase your touch
It's all too much for me"
Wow...it just hit me. I've been speaking to this song this whole time? I don't know what is it with this song. It seems to be me singing my heart out, but with a much better voice. Whoever this Billie girl is is truly a talented singer. Her voice sounds like an angel!
Now that I think of these lyrics, I've literally been doing nothing but think back to when we kissed in Mauritius. I keep thinking of it over and over. I dont want to ever lose that sensation i felt when our lips touched, ever so softly and gently but also full of love. Yet I want to erase it all. I wish I'd never met him. He blessed my life in so many ways, only for him to ruin it all. Why is he allowed so much control over my life? This isn't fair. And yes, it is too much for me. He got to leave peacefully while I have to deal with all these emotions.
"Blow away
like smoke in air
how could you die carelessly?"
One thing's for sure, Will didn't die carelessly. Yes, he might've left me and our potential future together behind, but he thought it through. I'm sure.
"our love is six feet under
i cant help but wonder
if our graves were watered by the rain"
"would roses bloom?
could roses bloom
Again?"
"They're playing our sound
Laying us down tonight"
Ah yes, Thinking Out Loud. Our song. The one we danced to at Alicia's wedding, where he admitted I'm the reason he wants to get up in the morning. By then I thought my chances of changing his mind were pretty big. Turns out I was wrong.
"And all of these clouds
Crying us back to life"
In this case, I'm 'all of these clouds'. As I said, all I do is cry now. Will told me to live boldly, but I don't think I can do it without him. Oh how I wished I could cry him back to life.
"But you're cold as a night"
This! This literally is me right now. I'm trying so hard to get by. Every day is a challenge. I mean, what did I expect? My soulmate decided I wasn't enough for him.
"Six feet under
I cant help but wonder
If our grave was watered by the rain
Bloom
Bloom
Again"
"Help
I lost myself again
But i remember you"
I wonder when will I find myself and live with the fact that Will isn't going to wake up again.