And From The Highest Mountain
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll get it to you as soon as I can."
I kept my eyes as I listened to Happy talking to somebody on the phone. I didn't know who he was speaking to and in all honesty I really didn't care. My brother was dead and the world could go and just fuck itself or burn to the ground. I really didn't give a fuck, so long as it meant everyone could feel as miserable as I did because that's all that mattered right now.
After Lt. Roosevelt left, I practically cried myself out in Happy's arms. He didn't say anything, he just held me and let me cry. I know he wanted to try to make things better for me, but at the same time what could he say? No one could fix this and there really wasn't anything he could say to make me feel better so there was no point spewing empty sentiments.
Sometime during the night, I had gotten up to retrieve Opie's cut out of the closet. I swear I don't remember doing it but it's the only thing that makes sense. After falling asleep… Okay, crying myself into exhaustion and passing out in Happy's arms, I woke up, tangled in Opie's cut. I had put it on backwards so that my arms were through the sleeve but it was resting across my chest instead of my back. It was a comfortable way to wear a jacket when you were sitting in a cinema watching a movie to keep warm, but not the smartest way to sleep. You see, it acted more like a straight jacket than a blanket when I moved around in my sleep. Not exactly comfortable, but that didn't matter much to me.
Not that me wearing a straight jacket felt unwarranted. I really wouldn't be surprised if someone suggested that I spend some time in a padded cell or for me to be taken away for some 'time to myself' or whatever line of bullshit the club offered in one of these situations.
As I laid on the bed trying to keep my thoughts as blank as possible, I couldn't help but wonder to whom Happy had been speaking. I was pretty sure that it was Skeeter. He would be preparing Opie for… for burial and he would need his cut to do that.
Since Opie had… passed away while he was in custody, we would be able to give him a proper… send off. That meant having a wake at the clubhouse. It also meant that he would… spend eternity… be… be buried in his cut. And I'm more than certain that Happy had been tasked with retrieving it from me to get it to Skeeter so… he could do his job.
Well they could have it over… I mean, when I was done with it. It still smelled like Opie and I wanted to keep that with me for as long as humanly possible. In the front of my mind I knew that my brother was gone, but it didn't actually feel like he was completely out of my life when I was hugging his cut and inhaling the familiar scent of leather mixed with Brut aftershave and sawdust. When those odors mixed together, they created a scent that was uniquely Opie in my mind.
After he had hung up the phone, I could hear Happy walk over to the bed. I had my back turned towards the door where he had been standing so it made it easier for me to pretend that I was still sleeping. I hugged my arms around my torso so he could have to practically wrestle the cut out of my grasp if that was his next plan of action.
Trust me, I geared myself up for a fight. But none came about. When Happy made it back to the bed, he climbed under the covers and wrapped his arms around me in a comforting embrace. After he had me hugged into his chest, he kissed the back of my head and said just over a whisper, "Sweet dreams, Princess."
Sweet dreams? That was it? He wasn't going to chastise me for clinging to a hunk of leather as if having it in my arms would help to keep my twin alive? I expected some kind of words of condemnation so hearing his soft, caring words actually hit me hard. I struggled to roll over onto my left side so that I was facing Happy. I actually had to completely untangle myself from Opie's cut so that I could move properly. It was now laying on the bed behind me which gave me my full range of motion again so that I could hug Happy and pull him forward to kiss him.
"Thank you," I whispered against his lips before I leaned out of our kiss.
He brushed a couple of stray tears off my cheeks as he asked (in a completely earnest tone), "Why are you thanking me?"
"For being you…" I kissed him again then added, "For not pressuring me… For… being you."
He smiled and looked like he was trying his best to stifle a laugh. He placed one last soft kiss on my lips then hugged me into his chest again. Once he had me settled there, he rolled over onto his back so that I could cuddle into his side and use his chest as a pillow. I know he wanted me to fall back asleep but now that I had my head on his chest, I could hear the steady rhythm of his heartbeat and I was loathed to close my eyes and miss hearing it. It was a slow, steady pace that rarely sounded like it would speed up or race for any reason, especially when we were laying in bed like this.
What did Opie's heartbeat sound like when he took his last breath? Was he scared? Did he see it coming? Was he alone? Did that…?
Suddenly all of the questions that had started racing though my head when I first heard the news from Lieutenant Roosevelt came rushing back to me all at once. They were so overwhelming that silent tears started spilling down my cheeks while I tried to stop the questions I could never find answers to from running though my head.
Happy, of course, felt my tears drip onto his bare chest right away. He squeezed me into his side so that he could kiss the top of my head. "You'll make it through this, Princess… Try to get some more rest…"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
When I woke up later that day, our bedroom was bathed in sunlight and I was alone in bed. Shit. That meant I would have to get ready to go to Opie's... to the clubhouse soon. That also meant that I would have to... to... say a final goodbye to him... FUCK. He was really gone.
What do you wear to your brother's wake? First step, get out of bed so you can look at what you have in the closet. Once you've seen the options, it's easier to make your decision. Luckily for me, Cody had visited with a few choice accessories that were supposed to help me feel more comfortable when I went out in public. They weren't meant specifically for a wake or a funeral, but I think they would help out a lot today, nonetheless.
It didn't sound like anyone else was in the house... not that it really mattered because I planned on taking my time getting ready today. Yeah, I was dragging my feet and delaying the inevitable. But who could blame me? And I dare anyone to call me out on it.
After I finished showering, I detoured towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I felt like I had been crying non-stop for the past day and suddenly I felt really parched. In a way I didn't want to drink anything, but I knew dehydration wouldn't stop my tears from flowing freely. Somehow my body would find the fluids from somewhere in my body to force more tears to spill out of my eyes. If it couldn't, then I would be reduced into a sobbing mess who would just have to dry heave to release that tension out of my body.
Since I thought that I was home alone, I wasn't all that concerned with covering up. Sure, I had a towel wrapped around me to dry off after showering, but it left nothing to the imagination. It also meant that Rat got an eyeful when I passed the living room and I dropped my towel when I saw him. What can I say? Seeing someone sitting on the couch when I thought that I was home alone scared the shit out of me and he was lucky all I had in my hands was a towel.
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" He called out from behind his hands that were now covering his face.
I quickly covered myself as much as possible with the towel as I angrily retorted, "What the fuck are you doing here?"
"I… uhh… I was sent to pick you up."
"Pick me up?"
He tentatively pulled his hands away to gauge my demeanor because he wasn't sure if I was genuinely confused or not. When he saw that I looked more angry than confused, he quickly explained, "Yeah, to take you to the clubhouse. Happy didn't think you'd be up for driving yourself there today."
"So, he sent you?"
"Y-y-yeah. Uhh… Phil's picking up Lyla and you don't know V-Lin so Happy thought you'd be more comfortable with me."
"And you just let yourself into our house without announcing your presence at all?" I snapped out as I adjusted the closure on my towel while I glared at him.
"No!" He practically shouted as he jumped off the couch. "Happy gave me his key with strict instructions to make my presence known. I yelled when I came in… I yelled LOUDLY. I just thought that you weren't in a talkative mood."
"You're right. I'm not in a talkative mood." He opened his mouth to say… well I really didn't give a shit, so I held up my hand to keep him from interrupting me. "Seriously, I have nothing to say to you… And I don't know you well enough not to make you cry right now, so I'll say this. I can get to the clubhouse on my own, I don't need a babysitter."
"Alright, but Happy…"
"Isn't here right now, is he? But I am…" I stomped my foot and that finally got him to look at me. "And I'm the only legacy who still has a pulse other than Jax. Guess what that means?"
He stood up straighter and I swear I could hear him swallow. Good. He was finally starting to understand the pecking order. First and foremost, I was a Winston. I was the sister of a fallen Brother and the daughter of one of the founding members of the Sons of Anarchy. Rat was a Prospect, so it would do him well to remember he answered to me and NOT the other way around.
"It means I should… should…"
"See yourself out," I finished for him.
"And if Happy asks…?"
He trailed off when he saw the annoyed look on my face. "You can tell him I told you to get the fuck out of my house so that I could get ready for my brother's wake. Wait, no… my TWIN brother's wake. And if he doesn't like it, then HE can bring it up with ME."
"But Andie…" He abruptly cut himself off as I glared at him. "Uhh… Ms. Winston…"
"Just go," I replied over the rest of his mumbled words. "I'll be able to get to the clubhouse on my own and Happy can kiss my ass if he doesn't like that idea. Got it?"
"Y-y-yes, Ma'am. I've got it…" He actually tripped over his feet while he hurried towards the door. "But you don't actually want me to say THAT to him, right?"
I gritted my teeth but swallowed my first reply. Sure, it was fun to play 'Kick the Prospect' but Ratboy didn't deserve it from me. He seemed like a nice kid. Almost too nice to be SAMCRO. Just like Phil or… or… Opie. Well… Shit.
"No," I finally answered while I fought back tears. "Of course, I don't. Just tell him I needed some time alone. Tell him you were a huge help to get me to the point where I was feeling enough like myself that I wanted to… to drive myself to the clubhouse to say… say goodbye to… my brother."
"Ms. Winston…"
"Andie," I interrupted. "I'm jus Andie, Rat. But seriously, you should head back to TM."
"Are you sure?"
I nodded the answered, "Absolutely. And if you don't leave now, I WILL tell him you saw me naked." His eyes went comically wide causing me to laugh softly. "But if you leave now, we can keep that between just the two of us."
"Okay," he finally answered as he hurried towards the front door. "But if you change your mind, please… PLEASE call me or Phil, okay?"
I smiled softly then said, "You two are the only members on my speed dial tonight."
"Thank you," he whispered with a relieved smile before he slipped out the front door.
I stared at the front door for a couple of breaths before I turned to head back to the bedroom, my glass of water was now completely forgotten. Now I had to find something to wear to go to a wake. Shit. Maybe I shouldn't have sent Rat away so quickly because he was a good distraction from wanting to curl into a ball and cry.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Driving myself to the clubhouse was a brilliant idea. The fresh air hitting my face as I drove helped to chase away the headache that he been plaguing me from crying nearly non-stop for a day. My truck was still at Opie's house, so I ended up riding my bike through the streets of Charming to get to TM. I don't know what it was about being on my bike made me feel more free and alive, but it really did, no matter how long or short the ride. It also felt strangely fitting for me to arrive to Opie's wake on my bike. It's silly but riding my Honda felt like a bit of a tribute to both my father and brother and their legacies within the motorcycle club. What can I say? I still had a concussion from a traumatic brain injury. If my thoughts sounded crazy, the injury was most likely to blame.
When I got to TM, there were a few people milling around the parking lot. All of the bikes and cars parked in the lot looked familiar, which made not seeing Skeeter's work vehicle there stand out. Was I early? Were they still waiting for him to arrive? Shit.
I parked by the row of bikes belonging to member of SAMCRO and other SOA charters so that I could find out. Please say I wasn't super early, please? Don't get me wrong, the club is my family and I love all… well almost all of them dearly, but I just wasn't sure how much of them I could take. Happy was the perfect person for me commiserate with because he didn't try to force a conversation our of me. He didn't want, need or try to get me to talk about my feelings. If I felt like talking, he would listen. If I didn't, he would just hold me and let a comfortable silence settle between us. But I couldn't say that was the case with everyone else. Especially Gemma. They would all be asking me how I was feeling. What could they do? What did I need? If I said okay, nothing and nothing as my honest answers, they wouldn't accept it. They would insist there was something I needed and as that back and forth happened, it would eventually turn into a fight.
How do I know this? Why would I think such a thing? Because it's what happened to Opie after Donna was murdered. He had arranged for Mary to take care of the kids while he made arrangements and such, but that also meant that he had no buffer between him and people like Gemma when they offered to 'help'. Before he could blow up at them, he decided to head out on a solo trip. That was the primary topic of conversation between the two of us while I was trying to get a flight home. At one pint he even told me he was kind of happy I wasn't there with him in Charming. Yeah, I was pretty shocked to hear that too. And if I'm being honest, I was a little offended by hat comment too.
That was until he explained his insane logic. Okay, not insane once you hear it. Opie explained that by me not being home, I gave him an excuse to get away from everyone. If he wanted out of a conversation, he would just pretend his phone was 'ringing' (he kept it on vibrate most of the time) and leave the room to 'talk' to me. Most of those times he ended up calling me so that it wasn't a total lie. I never would have thought about doing that because I would feel like I was being rude, but it was a brilliant plan.
Damn, I thought as I dismounted my bike. I wish Opie was here to… Fuck…
I shook my head after I removed my helmet to clear my head of that insane thought. If Opie was here then there would be no reason for me to be standing in the parking lot of TM trying not to cry. And in a dress no less.
I barely had my helmet secured on my bike before I heard, "Andie? Luv…? Is that really you?"
I nervously combed my fingers though my shoulder length hair answering, "It sure is."
Chibs hugged me tight before I could say anything else. The tears I had been fighting when I first got here resurfaced with a vengeance. Thankfully my face was buried into his chest because that completely muffled the sound of me sniffling in a breath. Somehow, I managed not to sob. That was a relief because there was no way he wouldn't have felt that even if he couldn't hear it.
I remained with my face pressed into his chest until I felt like I had my emotions somewhat under control, (Let's be honest, there was no chance I would be able to get my emotions completely under control today.) I moved out of his embrace and smiled sadly. I reached up to touch the cut on his left cheek and quietly asked, "Did…? Did you get that in…?"
"Aye. We had a bit of a skirmish with some lads."
"But I thought…"
"Tis nothing, Luv. Aye, we had protection, but prison is still a violent place. How are you holding up?"
I shrugged then shook my head because I didn't think I could speak without crying. Chibs realized that was happening right away and pulled me into another hug. He kissed my hair then said against the side of my head, 'We're all here for you, Luv. We'll help to get you through this."
I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him back fiercely. I don't know how long I let him comfort me before I pulled out of his arms to lean up and kiss his cheek. "Thank you, I know you are. I love you."
"Love you too, Andie." He kissed my forehead and gave my hands a comforting squeeze. "I
I only took a couple of steps before I was stopped by Bobby. He had been sitting at the table outside of the clubhouse and stood up as I approached him. No words were exchanged before I found myself wrapped in his arms and hugged into his chest.
"I'm so sorry…"
"Don't, Bobby," I interrupted as I leaned back to look up at him. "No, empty sentiments, please?"
"Alright, Beautiful." He moved one of his hands from around my waist to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear. "I am curious about this new hairstyle because I thought you liked the look of shaving your head."
"I am still almost as bald as Happy. But Cody brought by a couple of wigs and hats a few days ago and it just felt right. It's going to be a tough day for all of us and I want us to be able to focus our attention properly."
"That makes sense. I know you said no empty sentiments, but I'm still sorry your hurting and that this happened. If you need anything… and I mean ANYTHING, Beautiful, just call and we'll make it happen."
"Thanks, Bobby. Right now, I just want to know is…? I mean I don't see Skeeter's car here, so is…?"
"In the chapel," he mercifully cut in to answer the question I wasn't able to articulate.
"Okay. Thanks." I leaned in to kiss his cheek. "I love you, Bobby."
"Love you too, Andie. Did you want me to walk you in?"
I almost said yes, but then someone caught my eye. Just behind him I saw Happy slowly approaching us. Happy knew that everyone in the club was like family to me. Well, the older members. The three Nomads that had patched into SAMCRO still felt like strangers, but everyone else was like an uncle or cousin (in Juice's case). Well, except for Clay… But everyone already knows that story.
"Thanks for the offer, Bobby, but my chaperone is right behind you."
He turned with a confused scowl on his face to check who was behind him. When he saw Happy, he smiled. "Perfect. I'll see you inside."
He kissed me on the cheek on last time then gently helped to lead me towards Happy. As soon as I was within reach, Happy took both of my hands into his. I tried to move in to hug him, but he made sure to keep me at arm's length. It felt weird for him not to hug me right away, but I didn't get a chance to question him.
He reached up and ran his fingers through the length of my hair, marveling out loud, "It looks so natural. How does it feel? Is it bothering your scar at all?"
I shook my head answering, "At least not yet. So, is…?"
"Everyone's inside. Layla is with him right now."
"Shit…" He finally let me move forward to hug him. "I'm not ready for this. I don't want to say goodbye."
He held me close and stroked the back of my head to try to calm my tears away. "I know you don't but it will help you to start to heal."
And people wonder how he and I got so close so fast. He had given me the same type of sage advice during David's funeral. He didn't have to say much because he was able to say the right words to help me muster up the strength to get through whatever shitstorm I found myself in.
"I know you're sick of hearing it, but we're all here for you, Princess. I promise to do whatever I can to help you get through today, tomorrow and however long you need to grieve."
"I know you will. Thank you, Grumpy."
He held me in his arms for a couple of minutes before he turned to lead me to the clubhouse. He let me get lost in my thoughts and made sure that I wouldn't walk into anything. Sounds like I'm trying to be funny, right? I wish. At David's service, I was so distraught and distracted that I had actually bumped into a couple of people. Lucky for me it was Chief Unser and Constable Cobb, so they didn't hold it against me. After that, Happy wrapped my left arm securely around his right so that he could steer me away for any other potential victims of my clumsiness.
At the door he paused with his left hand on the knob to look down at me and ask, "Are you ready?"
I shook my head emphatically replying, "Of course."
He frowned at my false bravado, but he didn't call me out on it. Instead, he leaned down to place a soft kiss on my lips and then pulled the door open. I hate to admit it, but I actually tugged on his arm to pull him back as he stepped through the door. It only took one questioning look from him for me to realize what I had done.
I immediately loosened my grip on his bicep so that I could run my hand up and down his arm. Once I felt him grip my hand tightly, I gave him a weak smile as I said, "Okay, now I am."
He gave me a half smile at my attempt at humor. But again, he didn't call me out on it. I wasn't delusional enough to believe that this would last very long, so I had to remember not to abuse this power too much.
As soon as we got through the door, I felt someone touch my arm. I turned to tell them off, but that retort never made it out. As soon as I saw the taped up cut over his eye, I let go of Happy's hand so that I could hug the newcomer.
"I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. He didn't deserve to go out like that."
I sputtered out a tearful laugh at that because it was the same thing he had said at David's service. I would be tempted to tease him about it, but that didn't feel appropriate. Plus, I had heard about him being the victim of a home invasion and seeing the damage… Trust me, you would cut him a lot of slack too.
"I agree. But… How are you doing, Chief? I asked as I brushed my fingertips over his cheekbone.
He caught my hand and gently guided it away from his face. "I'm alright, Sweetheart. You don't have to worry about me."
"I know I don't HAVE to, but I still do." I hugged him again and quietly added, "And you can't stop me."
"I guess I can't." He kissed my cheek then looked me in the eye to say, "IF you need anything, I'm just a phone call away."
"Ditto, Chief."
As I continued to move deeper into the clubhouse, I was once again stopped by someone hugging me. Just like with Chief Unser, it was far from an unwelcomed invasion. At a time of loss, family came together to help each other through it.
"Andie…. I'm… I'm so sorry. If…"
A sob cut off the rest of his statement. My hand flew up to the back of Tig's head and my fingers buried themselves into his curly hair. I went back and forth on a daily basis about how I felt about Tig. Some days I was so angry I couldn't see straight. Those were some of the only days that Happy and I fought. Lucky for me, he was smarter than me and knew I was misdirecting my anger towards him because he was the closest target. He usually made himself scarce until I came to my senses. The primary cause for our fights was me demanding he tell me how I should feel about Tig. Should I be angry with him or if I should give him a pass because he was just following Clay's orders?
Today was one of the days where I didn't need anyone's help to figure out how I felt. When someone was stifling a sob into your shoulder, you tried to ease their pain. Granted I did have a few exceptions to that rule, but they were very few and Tig didn't fall into any of them.
"Shh… Tiggy, I'm just relieved you three made it out."
"Andie, I…"
I silenced him with a kiss. It was a quick, chaste peck on the lips. We had shared many embraces like that since I was a little girl. Thankfully, tonight it stunned him into silence.
"Not tonight, Tiggy. Maybe we can talk about it some other day, but just… Not tonight, okay?"
He nodded answering, "Of course." He leaned down to kiss my forehead then said, "I love you, Roo."
"Love you too, Tigger."
He kept a hold of my hand and asked, "Did you want some help getting through the crowd?"
"That's okay, Happy…"
I lost my words when the chapel door opened. Layla stepped out and froze when she saw me. I don't know how long we stared at each other, but suddenly, almost as if in a blink of an eye, we were holding each other, sobbing in each other's arms.