I Went To Make A Sound

I don't know how long we stayed like that, but I didn't come back to myself until I felt Lyla kiss my cheek to get my attention. When she saw me wipe my cheeks to dry away my tears, she quietly said, "I'll leave you alone to... to..."

I reached out to stop her when I heard tears trying to overtake her again. She stepped into my arms for another, albeit less intense, hug. "Thanks Layla. If we don't catch up later, I'll come by tomorrow, okay?"

"That sounds good."

She gave me one more squeeze before she turned to leave the room. I kept my eyes on the door until it was fully closed while I tried to center myself to prepare for what I had to do next. I almost ran to the door to call for Happy to come in and hold my hand whil I did this. But I knew what he would say. He would tell me I had to do this on my own, that I wouldn't be able to say a proper goodbye or what was really on my mind if anyone else was in the room.

"He's right," I whispered to myself, even though he hadn't actually said those words to me. My eyes remained focused on the door while I took in a couple of deep breaths and summoned every ounce of courage I could muster.

You know when you're watching a horror movie and the freaked-out girl hears a noise behind her? You're sitting in your seat yelling at her not to turn around. DON'T investigate the noise. DON'T BE STUPID! Just RUN and GET THE FUCK OUT!

That's how I felt right now. If anyone was watching me, they'd tell me not to turn around and face the scary monster behind me. Not that I thought my brother was a monster, even though my favorite name to use to tease him was 'Sasquatch'.

After I forced myself to turn around, I let out an uncomfortable laugh. I always wanted to spend more time in the chapel, but... But I never thought this was how I'd get that time in here. I was actually a little surprised that I could see into his coffin so comfortably. I know (although I usually hate to admit it) that I was vertically challenged compared to most of the members of SAMCRO... Heck when Opie and I went out together, it took a lot of time, energy and effort to convince people that we were siblings, forget about us being twins. I should add that it took a lot of effort on MY part. Opie was usually content to stand back and watch while I blushed and got flustered. At the time, I would just get hella annoyed and pissed off with him. But what I wouldn't give to hear his low chuckle while he tried, badly, to hold back his laughter. What I wouldn't give to have him poke me in the ribs while I pretended to be annoyed.

Right now, I stared at the black box not wanting to step closer to it or look inside. If I could delay doing that then I could pretend that this was all just a bad dream that I would eventually wake up from if I gave it enough time.

"Stop being such a wuss," I reprimanded myself out loud.

Before I had a chance to chicken out again, I stood up and looked inside and there he was... as serene looking as ever. Hell, if it wasn't for his unnaturally pale complexion and the huge gash on his forehead above his right eye, I would have said that he was sleeping.

"Fuck..." I cursed through a sigh. I reached out to run my index finger over the cut on his forehead with a feather light touch. "What the hell happened? How did we get here? You were supposed to have protection. You were supposed to be safe. Why the hell am I standing here?"

I choked on a sob so forceful that I had to pause. I let myself give into the tears ever so slightly. If I gave them an inch then maybe my tears could be persuaded not to overwhelm me. Maybe if I let the tears out in slow increments, then I'd be able to get through the rest of today with a little bit of dignity.

Scratch that. Fuck dignity. No one was expecting met to keep my composure so why was I wasting so much energy on holding them back. Why not just let myself turn into a sobbing mess?

Because that wasn't me. I was raised to be stoic and hard. You couldn't survive in the MC if you were soft. Everyone would eat you alive and eventually you would get yourself killed. Trust me, I've seen it happen. As an Old Lady you were supposed to be feminine but with an edge. We were like those candies that were sour and turned sweet or vice versa. We had a tough, hard shell that would shred the inside of your mouth if you weren't careful while you ate it to get to the sweet jelly filling. We were supposed to have layers where we could fight and defend ourselves while at the same time being docile and obedient to our men.

Well... That jelly filling was ready to come out.

I reached over and finger combed Opie's hair like I always did when I was comforting him. That's when every thought that was in my head came spilling out. "Opie... what am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to go on? I've never..." A sob choked me up enough that I couldn't breathe for a couple of seconds. "I don't know how to exist without you in my life. I've never had to and... and... I don't know how to do it. I don't WANT to do it. How could you leave me? How dare you abandon me! We were always supposed to have each other's backs! But now you're... you're..."

I fell over with my forehead touching his shoulder while my tears overtook me. I couldn't speak because I wasn't able to take in a proper breath. Instead, I just hiccupped a couple of breaths while violent sobs racked through my body.

"Don't leave me, Opie. Please, not like this," I whispered after I got a full breath into my lungs.

I stayed standing at an awkward angle with my head resting on his left shoulder. Even though it wasn't much of one, it was the only way I could hug my twin right now. Amazingly enough, his scent still clung to the leather and I was ready to breath it all in because... this was my last chance. After tonight it would be buried away... forever.

"Opie... I miss you so much it hurts already," I whispered before I kissed his cheek. My red lipstick looked like a new cut on his left cheek even though most of it got on his beard. Seeing it there made me smile through my tears. Hopefully Skeeter wouldn't wash it away so that part of me would stay with him forever. I know what you're thinking, I've gone completely insane and I'm okay with that. I knew the was just a body and that it wasn't really my brother, but it's all that I had. He didn't give me a chance to say a proper goodbye before... this happened.

I kept my eyes on the lipstick stain on his cheek as I finger combed his hair back into place saying, "I love you so much, Baby Bro. And I pro... prom... I promise to always be there for Kenny and Ellie. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure they feel loved every single day."

I then pulled out a picture from the pocket of my dress. I had to brush away a couple of tears off of it while I stared at it through blurred vision. All of this was so surreal that I was feeling weirdly numb and distant. The only good part about that was that it helped to finally get my tears to subside.

I kissed the same spot on his cheek again while I tucked the sonogram photo of me wrapped protectively around him in our mother's womb under his left hand. Once I was assured it was safe there, I moved my lips to his ear and quietly said, "Say 'hi' to Donna for me. I love you so much, Ope."

I stood back and took in a deep, snotty breath. THIS was the final goodbye. THIS was the last time I'd ever see my brother's face in person. This... was the end for us.

And I didn't want to leave... That meant that I HAD to go... NOW. Standing, bawling in the MC's chapel wasn't going to change anything. No amount of 'what ifs' would change this outcome, so I had to stop torturing myself. At least for now. (I could always pick up this train of thought when I got home and could hide away from any prying, albeit legitimately concerned, eyes to cry myself to exhaustion again.)

At the door, I paused to try to regain my composure. I pulled another tissue out of my pocket to dry my eyes and cheeks and checked over my shoulder to make sure Opie was where I had left him. It's stupid, but I was still expecting him to sit up and call out "Got you!" But that wasn't going to happen, no matter how much I wished it to be true.

"I love you, Bro," I whispered to the room before I turned and pulled one of the doors open.

You can do this, I silently coached myself as I pulled it open. You can go out there with your head held high. You can...

As soon as I stepped out of the room, everyone went silent and turned towards where I was standing. Fuck, I thought shit like that only happened in shitty movies geared to make teens feel so inadequate that they would buy whatever material shit they were being told would fill a bottomless void in their soul. But no, it was a reality I was living right now.

Gemma was hugging Lyla and most everyone else looked like they had stopped talking, mid-sentence. Gemma whispered something to Lyla then let her go. As she took a couple of steps towards me, I realized that no, no I wasn't ready to face everyone. I didn't want to hear whatever they thought I wanted to hear. I needed more time to let this all sink in and come up with the line I was going to give back to them.

So, I did the only thing I could think of... I ran. At first, I didn't have a destination in mind beyond 'away', but then I saw the ladder on the wall that led up to the roof. Perfect! Solitude AND fresh air!

XXXXXXXXXXX

"I'll be right back, Sweetheart," Gemma said quietly against Lyla's hair.

The younger woman almost started to question Gemma about where she was going, but then her gaze followed Gemma's. When she saw Andie standing at the door to the chapel, she quickly answered, "Of course, I'll be here."

Gemma simply offered a smile as her thanks. She only got about two steps away from Lyla before her path was blocked. Who would dare to do such a thing? Not many people. Usually Happy wouldn't either, but he was willing to endure Gemma's wrath for Andie.

"Happy, you..."

"I'm not moving," he interrupted. That earned him an incredulous look to which he replied, "She just said goodbye to her twin brother. I think she needs some time to process."

Gemma's expression softened ever so slightly as she replied, "I know, but she shouldn't have to do this on her own. We need to make sure she knows she isn't alone... that she has all of us to help her through this. I know it must be devastating but she should keep everything bottled up. She should talk to someone."

"And she will... when she's ready." Happy wrapped an arm around Gemma's shoulders to turn her around and gently steer her away from Andie's escape route. "But what can any of us say right now that she hasn't heard already? Give her a few minutes, Mom. I'm sure she'll be ready to talk soon."

She gave his words a couple of minutes of thought before she finally replied, "You're right. But if she doesn't come down before we..."

"I promise, I'll go and get her, Mom."

That finally got her to relent. Happy watched as Gemma reestablished her post at Lyla's side. After he saw the grieving widow hug the club's matriarch, Happy then moved back to the bar. Phil passed him a bottle of beer with a tight smile on his face.

As Happy claimed it he said to Phil, "She'll be okay, Filthy. Just give her some time."

"I know," Phil replied with the same strained smile. "I just hate knowing she's hurting so much. She doesn't deserve that much pain. I wish there was something I could do."

For a split second, Happy wanted to be angry, but then he remembered something Andie had said when they were debating who should stay with her after she recovered her memories. She had been the first one to compare Phil to a guard dog; he was loyal to a fault and would rip out the throat of anyone that dared to threaten her. Happy still thought that he was the best person to play that role and he couldn't argue with Andie's logic.

Plus, she had called him another big, little brother. She had compared him to Opie enough times that Happy felt a slight pang of guilt for doubting her, for feeling the slightest hint of jealousy when he heard the young Brother's concern for his girlfriend.

Happy took a swig from his bottle then said, "We all do, Filthy. We all do."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Once I cleared the hatch to stand on the roof of the clubhouse, all of my memories up here hit me. That was alright because fresh air wasn't the primary reason I came up here.

I poked my head through the hatch and bit back a sigh and a laugh. There he was. Opie was pacing up here. Seriously, it looked like he might wear a hole through the roof if he kept up this pace.

The visual of him falling through into the chapel actually did make me laugh. That, of course, got Opie's attention. He turned with murder in his eyes until he noticed it was me standing there. It looked like someone had popped a balloon when you saw how quickly he deflated.

"Hey, Ope. I didn't see you downstairs, so I wanted to check on you."

He pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. "I'm okay, Drea."

I pinched his stomach so that he would loosen his hold enough that I could look up into his face and say, "LIAR."

"No, really. I'm alright, Sis."

"Uh huh," I teased as I led him by the hand to our favorite spot to sit and look over the parking lot of TM. "That's why you're singlehandedly ruining the integrity of the clubhouse's roof, Sasquatch?"

That earned me a nervous laugh. "Have you heard anything?"

I shook my head answering, "No, but then again I just got here. When I couldn't find you and... Dipshit said he didn't know where you were, my focus was on finding you."

"Dipshit?" Opie questioned with a chuckle.

I just shrugged it off. "He earned that nickname. It'll take a LOT of groveling for me to use his real name again."

"Fair enough." He hugged me into his side while we were still sitting then quietly added, "Thank you for finding me."

I wrapped my arms around his waist to hug him back. "Nowhere else I'd rather be, Baby Bro."

After a couple of minutes, our tranquil moment was interrupted by a familiar voice calling out, "There you are!"

Opie and I didn't move until Jax placed a six pack at our feet and then sat down next to me. I then turned and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. He reciprocated by passing us each a beer before he settled back in his place.

"So...?" I questioned, prolonging the word on purpose. Jax got an expectant look on his face, so I quickly changed tactics. I leaned down to pick up the bottles still in the box asking, "What do you guys plan on drinking because this is barely enough for me to deal with you two Drama Queens."

"Drama...?" Jax started until it hit him. He then moved in close to my ear to stage whisper, "Should we call a roofer?"

"Nah, I think I caught him before he could do any permanent damage."

"Ha! Ha!" Opie barked out as he finished his beer. "you two are hilarious."

I leaned against Jax's chest as he hugged me with one arm. I lifted my open bottle for Jax to tap the neck of his bottle against mine. "Good of you to notice, Baby Bro."

He retrieved one of the beers out of the six-pack box despite the annoyed growl I issued. In fact, he ignored it completely to ask Jax, "Have you heard anything?"

Jax shook his head as he helped me settle against his chest again. "No, they're still deliberating."

"But they're gonna vote yes, aren't they?" I asked, trying not to sound too naïve or worried. "I mean what reason could they give to justify voting no?"

"None that makes sense to me," Jax replied with a kiss against my temple.

Opie turned his gaze over to us and looked peeved for a split second. But then he finished his second beer in a couple of swallows and that seemed to help to change his mood. "Yeah... What he said."

"Alright... good." I finished my beer then tossed the bottle over the edge of the roof. Once my hands were free, I hooked an arm around each of their necks to pull them into a hug. "Then it's settled. This time tomorrow you two WILL be Prospects for SAMCRO. And that's final. No more fretting."

"But..." Opie tried to protest.

I let go of Jax so that I could put Opie into a proper headlock. "I said no... more... fretting, Baby Bro!"

Jax was in near hysterics, but we all fell silent when the hatch to the ladder flopped open. Kozik popped his head through it to call out, "Hey. They're ready for you guys."

I grabbed Jax's cheeks to peck his lips and then I turned to kiss Opie's cheek. "I'll have the tequila shots lined up at the bar."

Thankfully those shots were drunk in celebration and not commiseration. I knew that they should be voted in, but I couldn't sit till while I waited to hear the verdict. Plus, I didn't want to stay in the room alone with Kozik either. So, after I had every shot glass I could find at the bar lined up and filled with tequila, I moved out to the parking lot to work off my nervous energy. Kozik was kind enough to call me in when everyone exited the chapel. He hadn't let on what the outcome was, so I had to steel up my bravado to put on a brave face in case we had been wrong.

I flopped down on the part of the roof we always used as a seat with an audible sigh. "You trusted me then, Baby Bro. Why didn't you trust me this time?"

And that's when I started crying again. I guess this was my life now. I was going to cry at the drop of a hat. Or at the most random times and places where I had any sort of fond memories with my twin brother. Great that was... Fucking everywhere.

"There you are!" I heard a familiar voice call out, prompting me to lift my head out of my hands to check my surroundings.

Seriously, I half expected to find an eighteen year old Opie beside me. But no. That day was years ago and now he was... gone.

"How are you holding up, Andie?" Jax asked as he sat down beside me. Before he could wrap an arm around me, I stood up to step away from him. I wasn't ready to talk yet. I really needed a few more minutes... hours... days alone to help me get a hold of everything. Just a few more moments of solitude. You know those moments that can last days or months or years?

"And...?" Jax tried again as he stood up to try to hug me. He finally fell silent when I took a large step away from him while shaking my head.

"Jax... I'm not ready yet."

He smiled sadly replying, "I get that, but..."

"NO!" I cried out over the rest of his thought. "No, you don't! If you did, you'd leave me alone and quit pestering me!"

"Andie, I..."

"JAX! STOP!" I started walking towards the ladder. "When I'm ready to talk I'll come to you. So, please, please, just give me some time." He held his hands up in surrender and sat down. That made me smile because that was better than words to prove that he was listening. Well, not just listening, but respecting my wishes.

Before I lifted the hatch, I gave him a soft smile and said, "Thank you, Jax. I love you, Bro."

"Love you too, Sis."