My Little Pony: Friendship is a Bizarre Adventure

Part 2: ~ Battle Festivity ~

Episode II: The Man in the Pillar, The Ultimate Being?!

JoJo and Pinkie decided to travel all the way down to Mexico, leaving Smokey with Erina, albeit it was more of a request that he stayed behind. Both of them wore glass goggles to protect their eyes from the sand and wore cheeky grins in the hot sunlight. They stopped in a local town, thirsty and low on gas, JoJo found a watering hole began to drink from it as did Pinkie. They stopped and looked up at the group of men who were laughing at them. For some reason mostly speaking English as they began to throw jeers and insults at them, one leaned against the pillar of wood. However said words bounced off of them. Pinkie broke the glass on one side of the goggles and flicked the broken shards away, all of them hitting with pinpoint precision around the fingers of the hand leaned against the pillar, catching flies that were around the finger as well. As the man backed away in shock JoJo had put him into a headlock and nuggied him harshly.

"Oi, this is rude since we just met, but go and fetch us some water, food, and some gasoline in the next three minuets will ya? The name's JoJo and Pinkie, don't forget our faces alright!?"

"Aye, AYE! Si, I got, lemme go already!"

The whole group ran off, within two minuets their stock had been resupplied and they drove off, back into the desert wilds.

"Hey where're we even going, JoJo?"

"We are headed to the last known location of Uncle Speedwagon! It's a river near the seacoast, it'll be awhile til we get there."

"Okay but what if some weird solider guy comes out of nowhere and attacks us?"

"Oddly specific yet vague as always, I don't think anything that crazy will happen. Now you being able to use Hamon? That's crazy stuff."

"All you said was it was in the breathing, and you were right! I even feel lighter now!"

"Yeah, yeah, I didn't know they had something like Hamon back in Equestria."

"We don't! We get magic and stuff!"

"There's a difference?"

"I-Hm. Hm... Well it's not like that weird red cloth that's been following us for about an a hour."

JoJo stopped the motorcycle and turned to look at the cloth.

"So we can agree that thing's a possible threat, right?"

"Definitely."

"So should I check it out or-"

"Maybe there's a prize under it!"

Pinkie hopped off the bike and pulled the cloth up, nothing was there but sand. But as she turned with a disappointed sigh a hand came from the other side of the cloth, wielding a sharpened custom made blade, one with a ribbed design to it. As the attacker brought it down, Pinkie had noticed his shadow and kicked up enough sand behind her, at the right time as she leapt out of the way, the cloth no longer shielding the man's eyes. He missed but landed gracefully using the cloth as some form of soft descent. His eyes were faded and without pupils.

"Such a strong intuition the both of you have-"

"Actually dude, that carpet thing has been bothering the hell outta me."
"You couldn't dirty it up to fit with the environment juuuust a little?"

"Such gifted intuition to have spotted me shut up, I can sneak past wild bats, yet the two of you noticed me."

The soldier walked without leaving a single imprint in the sand, not one footprint, and flipped onto a cactus.

"I have been ordered by my military to learn more of Straights, so you can either talk, or perish!"

"That accent, that's a German one if I've ever heard one before. So you work for that strange Nazi party, eh?"
"Nazi party? I don't really like the sound of that."

"Feh! You waste my time, I won't actually kill you, just spill enough blood to quiet those sharp tongues of yours!"

"Blah, blah, blah! All I hear is trash coming from your mouth, we gonna rumble or what?"

"You would fight I, Donavan, a special task force member of-"
"Dude Just fight me!"

He flew at them using the cloth as a shield as JoJo simply threw a punch, connecting with a solid whack sound as Pinkie dove for the ground with her hands over her head. Yet Donavan seemingly was hand standing on top of the cloth, only to reveal a cactus behind the cloth. As JoJo reclined with a hiss the blade unwrapped itself like a whip and wrapped around JoJo's throat. The soldier finished with his knees slammed into the young man's nose. Having fallen over, Donavan planted his foot right on JoJo's face, grinning smugly.

"Haha~! A foolish youth indeed, to have witnessed my agility and guile, yet still fight me? I want you to beg for forgiveness, 'Yes Mr. Donavan, please forgive me!',like that!"

"You talk too much."

"What was that, boy? You want your face in this here cactus?"

"Actually, if you haven't noticed, me and my friend are taking cover!"

"Huh? Cover for what? And why is the cactus getting bigg- Oh no."

It was too late. The Hamon sent in from JoJo's punch rippled into the water within the cactus, causing it to explode right in Donavan's face. He screamed and rolled onto the ground in agony before having noticed JoJo's boot on top of his face.

"Look at how the tables have turned~! Now tell me where's my Uncle Speedwagon!"

"I-I am a proud Nazi soldier! Use whatever method you have, I shall resist!"

"I can be a real cruel man, for example!"

He had shoved his compass right into the defeated man's eye, the awkwardness and the pain making him screech.

"OKAY! OKAY, YOU WIN!"

"Can your really call yourself a solider now?"

"HE'S ALIVE! TH-THERE'S A NEARBY BASE, JUST SOUTHEAST OF HERE- JUST GET THIS COMPASS OUT OF MY EYE!"

"Alright, quit your babying, I'm done with you anyhow... Actually."

He had tied him to a cactus with the sign saying "Hello Adolph" right under him before going back to the bike with Pinkie.

"Well that happened! At least your Uncle's alright!"

"Yeah..."

Tears welled up in his eyes as he smiled.

"Granma is gonna be happy to hear this. Now we just gotta get him back to New York!"

"But how're we gonna get him? Will asking nicely actually work this time?"

"CAN SOMEONE GET ME OFF OF THIS CACTUS!?"

"No. Shut up."
"Nope, sorry buddy, unless you can tell us how to break in~!"

"T-THE BASE IS UNDERNEATH A MANSION! THE-THEY'RE RUNNING TESTS ON SUBJECTS LIKE STRAIGHTS! TWENTY METERS BELOW IS SOME LABORTARY, THE COMMANDING OFFICER'S NAME IS STROHIEM THATS IT!"

"Good boy! Now you can just hang around all you like."

They drove off, leaving Donavan with some water within reach assumedly if he could get out of the bonds. JoJo chuckled and looked back at Pinkie.

"Y'know, that was pretty mean."

"You're the one who beat him up, shoved cactus needles and a compass in his face. I think I'm pretty much innocent in this!"

"Fair point. But the question remains. How do we sneak in?"

They made it there within only a half hour, spying with a single pair of binoculars on a hill just over the mansion. Sharing one eye each.

"Looks like they search anyone that goes in. Special attention for the ladies, of course."

"So what's the plan? We dress up and sneak right in."

"You're a mind reader, I came prepared for anything like this!"

The two guards grinned devilishly upon letting the last woman enter, having been satisfied with groping her, truly this was their favorite job of the day. Then they saw an odd pair. A short wild pink haired man with a moustache, sombrero, and pancho with a tall muscular woman. No, it couldn't be a woman, yet she wore the dress and applied the make up properly. They both held a basket of tequila bottles.

"I brought the tequila with my husband. Please let us pass~!"
"Uh, yes, please!"

"... Don't move either of you! You're suspicious and coming with us!"
"Move and we'll shoot!"

"Huh? But, what about my body check?"

"That's one step! Final warning big guy!"
"Fire!"

"W-Wait!"

The duo held their hands up high while JoJo scoffed.

"You Nazi's are pretty damn smart."

"Of course we would see through that hideous disguise!"
"What woman on this planet would look anything like that?! Hahah!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"Ohhh boy."

Pinkie rolled her eyes as JoJo fired the corks in the bottles in his hands above, hitting the tree and causing some coconuts to fall. The soldiers looked up and got a face full of coconut before being side swiped by JoJo's thunder thighs. Upon knocking them out the two had taken their uniforms and guns before entering the base. It wasn't as heavily guarded as one would expect and they found it easy to get into the lab. As they entered the hallways were lined with axes and into the room unnoticed, they saw what was taking everyone's attention. A giant blob of a man with his finger pointed in a gun gesture stood in front of them. JoJo recognized Speedwagon immediately and went by his side with Pinkie following, he had been in a wheelchair wearing a straight jacket. The blob fired away a single man, the head blown clean off.

"Oi old man, you should get to cover, it ain't safe here."
"He's right, you should come with us. Nice jacket by the way!"

"Agh! Haven't you soldiers done enough? I refuse to be aided by any Nazi scum- Wait a minuet. I don't remember seeing a female soldier in their regime before... And that voice!"

"Good grief, did they give you amnesia old man, you're still as pig headed as ever though."

JoJo ran up to the commanding officer as the blobs body was torn apart, a tall man with the body build of what could only be describe as Atlantean, and shimmering hair fell from the corpse. He stood up with his fingers outstretched. Only a rather small loincloth was his form of clothing.

"There's nothing we can d- OW! H-Hey what're you doing!"

JoJo grabbed the officers hair and started to pull away.

"Don't be a big baby, I need your hair, so gimmie some."
"I'll be needing some too!"

"Who are you two to command from a superior-OWWOWOWOWOW!"

Both had pulled a good chunk of hair out of his odd head and filled it with Hamon energy.

"I guess you could call this-"

"Our Hamon Hair Attack!"

Not a moment too soon and the hair had been thrown in front of them, guiding the strands to their slow descent as they deflected the bullets fired from the strange being. Every other soldier and staff had unfortunately been barraged by the bullet storm. As he finally ran out of ammo JoJo wiped his hands and turned to the man with less hair.

"This is some dry stuff man, you're gonna go bald at this rate."
"I'll say. Conditioner is just the beginning!"

"Who are these two loons?! To be able to use such odd energy to protect us using hair alone, such a strange power..."

Speedwagon's eyes shot wide now as he could see the face clearly.

"J-Joseph!? But how?"

"Oi Old Man Speedwagon! Hope we're still tight. Hehe, but seriously nice to see you alive!"
"Nice to meet you Speedwagon!"

"..."

The odd man bent down and picked up a strand of hair and inspected it.

"Ha..i.r?"

"AH! JoJo! You and your friend must defeat this monstrosity! He's a stronger version of the vampire, nay, possibly something else entirely! The Ripple may just be our only chance to defeat this Pillar Man, Santana!"

"I thought it was called Hamon."
"Pinkie it has like eight names, I like Hamon the best. But... Maybe."

The two inched closer to the mysterious monster, reaching out, with Pinkie pushing his cheeks up to make a smile and JoJo tapping his nose before jumping back.

"Touch'd ya~!"
"Smiley time~!"

"..."

"C'mon, you're the one called Santana, right? From what I've heard you've been asleep for thousands of years."
"You're too sour and such downer, try smiling for once! It's great for your face!"

She jumped back with JoJo.

"You were speaking before right? Well hello~!"
"How're you~!

The two practically danced in front of Santana trying to be as friendly as possible, ignoring the bloodied corpses sprawled all over the floor of the lab.

"One, two three! Happy~!"

"Joy~py!"

"Nice to meet you-py~!" "Nice to meet you-py~!"

Santana stared at them unamused while Speedwagon shivered in fear, something like this, he didn't want to see in his lifetime.

"W-What're you two idiots doing!? Get him!"

"Huh? Well, I don't think he's a bad guy old man, I wanna think he's just cranky. Like, would you think bad of Big Foot or Nessie if you met them for the first time?"

"JoJo stop being so damn stupid!"
"He killed my men! Their blood is on your boots as we speak you idiot!"

Pinkie grabbed the officer by his collar and pulled him down to eye level.

"Well maybe you shouldn't have used your friends to try and experiment on a stranger, huh Broomhead? They looked like really nice guys."

"W-Well they were obedient to the end but- Hey! Don't attack me, attack him!"

"I dun' wanna. What has he done wrong?"
"AGH! MY FOOT!"

Pinkie turned to see JoJo on his bum without a boot. Santana was now wearing it. He walked over to one of the weapons lying down and picked it up.

"H-He absorbed my boot?! What a strange feeling!"

"Never seen this... What kind of tool?"

He took it apart without trying, masterfully dismembering it part by part, as if he had done it millions of times before.

"Such an amazing mind... Learning both language and architect of the gun... What a terrifying being!"

He then looked to the large lights used to brighten the room up, standing in front of them with a stretch. JoJo used a soldiers helmet to bonk Santana's head ightly while Pinie pulled at his ear.

"Hey, if you understand the language."

"Then don't just ignore us, that's pretty rude!"

"... Annoying primitives."
"Watch out you two his body is-"

Santana's ribs shot out, elongating, and curving around to capture the two in an instant, like a venus plant capturing a fly. However both of them raised their arms in protection, filled with Hamon, and repelled the boney protrusions. They connection between the Pillar Man's body and their Hamon caused them to jettison away from him, hitting a steel wall with great force. JoJo hitting the wall with enough force to dent it with Pinkie hitting him shortly, pushing them deeper into the wall. Santana turned, surprised at what had transpired.

"What is this? They repelled me, rather than be eaten, are these two humans special? I wonder."

He strolled over to Speedwagon and shoved his fingers into his head. Not cuts or damage, it had seemed more like his fingers fused with the elders skull, or rather the other way around. Speedwagon could only let out a small exasperated scream that turned to a whine until the fingers were out of his body.

"How odd, yet at the same time, expected. These two are indeed, unique. Have humans begin to evolve at last?"

"H-Hey you old bastard! Get away from him! Now I really wanna fight you. We're gonna put in a museum, Santana!"

"Yeah! You don't put your fingers in peoples brains! That's almost as bad as putting your finger in a pie that isn't yours!"

JoJo was the first to stand up and run at the Pillar Man, throwing a fist right to his chest. Yet as the blow connected, the Hamon coursed down from the body into the blood on the floor.

"This, Hamon, is interesting."

"JoJo your hand!"
"Uwwah~!"

The flesh of his body morphed and began to entangle JoJo's hand. Barely escaping, save for his hand.

"Gah! M-My hand it's... It's!

Then he revealed his hand slowly with each finger being there and accounted for. A sigh of relief escaping Speedwagon.

"Still here! Heh, you almost got me Santana, but I see how you work now."

"I'unno JoJo, this seem like a good time for retreat-"
"We can't you two! If he gets out into the world, who knows what he'll become!? I, Major Strohiem, won't let that happen!"

"Oi, shut it you, you're more at fault here than anyone! Now lemme think."

Santana however had other plans and stretched a finger, flicking JoJo in the fore head, striking him hard enough to land in another wall. This time he had recovered in mid air and landed on the wall, rolling off and grabbing a knife on the floor. Pinkie had attempted to put him into a full nelson hold. Yet, his size alone only had her dangling from the air as she held on.

"What are you doing."

"Giving you a big ol' teddy hug!"

"Disappear."

She began to be absorbed by him slowly, her face showing discomfort and disgust, as JoJo jumped with the knife twirling in the air. With masterful athletic skill he pushed the knife into Santana's arm. Using the hilt to keep up he twisted his body around and swung his foot into Santana's eyes, yet the entire top of his skull moved backwards. Having been out maneuvered he found himself in the air, with a kick sent by the Pillar Man straight into his waist. JoJo coughed up blood as he his back slammed into the ceiling and hit the cold floor. With that he began to absorb JoJo as well, Pinkies arms entirely sucked in, save for her fingers wiggling out of the shoulders. Half of JoJo's face was sucked in as Speedwagon fell from his chair crying out.

"NO! NOT AGAIN! JOJO BREATHE!"

Strohiem ran to a control panel, a red button glowing brightly.

"I-I have no choice, glory to out country, and to our perfect Nazi party!"
"Wait you suicidal quack!"

He gasped and turned to see a grinning JoJo and Pinkie.

"This was our plan from the beginning! You ready Pinkie?"

"Hamon ready to go!"

"Ngh!"

Without another second to spare they ripped themselves out of Santana, Hamon finally burning and melting away at his body from the inside out, JoJo tearing him in half as Pinkie destroyed the shoulder, leaving only the head and legs undamaged. They hopped away from the body and shivered simultaneously.

"I hope we don't have to do that again."

"Looks like we've got no choice. But at least we know how his body works now."

"It's when he's eating that he's vulnerable. Whatever kind of body shield he has keeps him from eating entirely."

Santana's head reconnected with his upper body as the arms barely healed back. Pinkie had lassoed a chain around his throat and pulled with JoJo to the opening.

"Hey! You're Storhiem, right? Sunlight hurts Santana, right!?"

"... Uh-YES! I see your plan!"

"He can pull his body back together, our Hamon wasn't strong enough to do any permanent damage! S-So hurry up and get that door opened!"
"Please, he's a lot heavier than he looks, and he looks heavy enough!"

"Pieces of trash..."

Flesh from his body shot from his stump and grabbed Strohiem as he jumped over the three. Crawling to the door he turned and saw Santana's body repairing itself even faster as his leg was being drained away.

"Aaargh! Listen you two, I don't care who, but as a proud German soldier. I demand that you relieve me of my burden, a swing of the axe to my leg! I can just barely reach the door!"

"Wh- But! Your e-"

"JUST DO IT!"

"...!"

JoJo let go, making Pinkie work even harder to not get sucked in by the Pillar Man, and took one of the axes from the wall. The slice was swift and the Nazi opened the door without any hesitation despite the pain. Pinkie strafed to the side as the Sun hit Santana full on. His body cracking up and becoming stony. Yet, he was determined to live, and contorted and twisted his body as he slithered and snaked into Strohiems stump. Hiding in his body.

"A-AAAAAAAHHH! HE'S INSIDE ME, TRYNG TO ESCAPE! I-I CAN BAREY CONTROL MYSELF!"

"Strohiem!"
"Broomhead!"

"I-I HAVE COME PREPARED!"

He pulled a grenade out but stopped as he looked at the two heroes.

"B-B-But! Before I go! I must tell you. Santana is not the only Pillar Man! W-We found more, Europe! THEY WILL AWAKEN SOON! Both of your RipplHamwhatever, is too weak! Speedwagon, he knows a man who can strengthen it, we used truth serum to get that out of him! H-He's trying to get me in that well!But The Pin's Been Pulled Santana... FAREWELL, I DIE A PROUD SOLDIER!"

With those last words he left, a fiery explosion taking him away, a flashy finish. But, it was for naught. Santana stood, chipped and in the middle of being mineral and organic. Sprinting to the well behind the two he roared.

"Urrrey~! Move JoJo, Pinkie, I will kill you both!"

"Not on your life!"
"You're too cranky to be up, it's naptime!"

JoJo threw a punch with Pinkie leaping for a knee to his chin. Santana countered JoJo's punch with his own, almost breaking his arm entirely, as Pinkie's own knee almost fractured as she was tossed aside by the free arm of the Pillar Man. JoJo held onto him as they were both thrown into the well. Pinkie used the chain to wrap around Santana's waist. JoJo used his feet and working hand to attempt to stop their descent.

"JoJo! As a human, you and your friend have marveled me, my respect has been gained. But you cannot stop me!"

"Next you're going to say, 'Have you learned your lesson yet, primitive?!', right?"

"Have learned your lesson yet, primitive- What!?"

JoJo grinned and moved his head away to reveal the sunlight reflecting in the water of the well.

"It just hit noon Santana, the perfect hour for the Sun to hang over us, the zenith hour! We win the game!"

It had hit him like a boulder falling on a serpent, his fate had been sealed. All he could do was scream until he became a full fledged statue. Just as Straights had described.

"J-JoJo~! Did you win?!"

"Have I ever failed you before!?"

"Well if I remember two days ago at the candy store-"

"Ah, ah, ah that never happened, shut up with you and your cursed memory!"

The Santana piece became like stone and crumbled apart. Her JoJo and Pinkie pieces have been worn down and beaten. Luna herself felt utterly exhausted.

"Such terrible power... But we must continue. Make your move already!"

"P. A. T. I. E. N. C. E. L. E. T. M. E. M. E. D. I. T. A. T. E. O. N. T. H. I. S. N. E. X. T. P. L. A. N."

"And allow you to eat away at my life? Am I fool to you?"

"Y. E. S."

She looked up to retort but the found it harder to stand.

"W-What?"

"E. A. C. H. H. A. N. D. I. C. A. P. G. I. V. E. N. I. S. R. E. P. A. Y. E. D. W. I. T. H. E. N. E. R. G. Y."

"Y-You idiot! That's not a handicap! You've been simply lying to me this entire time!"

"Y. O. U. R. S. I. S. T. E. R. W. O. U. L. D. H. A. V. E. S. E. E. N. T. H. I. S."

"SILENCE! AND MAKE THY MOVE!"

The screen turned to a beautiful city, an elegant restaurant with a plate of jet black spaghetti on one of the tables.