My Little Pony: Friendship is a Bizarre Adventure
Part 2: ~ Battle Festivity ~
Episode III: The Return of the Pillar Men, The Wedding of Death!
Having saved the world from Santana's terrifying power, only to learn of the horrifying truth of more like him, our heroes did not hesitate to act. With Speedwagon at their side they made their way to Rome, Italy, to meet a man named Caesar Zeppeli. The plan first was to ship the three over there, but due to time being of the essence, they had taken a plane instead. Upon landing Pinkie had noticed how tensed Speedwagon had been the entire ride.
"Hey Speedwagon, are you afraid of heights?"
"N-No Ms. Pie, it's actually I've had terrible luck with planes. JoJo can attest to that."
"Oh yeah, Uncles plane once caught on fire, and then was held ransom. Good thing I was there to save you."
"... Y-You were there each time something happened! Maybe you're my good luck charm."
Pinkie eyed JoJo then the plane and realized the engine had suddenly caught on fire and the wing fell off.
"I'm not so sure about that."
Speedwagon reserved a hotel as a meeting spot for everyone while JoJo and Pinkie began exploring the place, hitting the restaurant they found inside. Sitting down in their table the waiter immediately place two plates of black spaghetti right in front of each of them with a smile. JoJo however was quite unamused.
"Hey what the hell is this? You expect me to eat some noodles with ink in it?!"
"It doesn't look that bad."
"S-Sir I assure that it's one of our most prized dishes! It's called Neroand, made from fresh squid ink, it's why it's so black."
"And it tastes awesome! JoJo, try it, it's great~!"
He sat back down and ate some only to be stuffing his face in. The waiter sighed and left, from the side a condescending voice spoke out.
"This hotel has truly fallen, countryfolk infesting the place."
They looked around and found only a blond man roughly the same build as JoJo and a woman.
"Hey, who's- Oh that insulting bastard!"
"Well we do come from a country."
"What's with that Italian guy anyways, look at him, so comfortable at a reserved location."
"Maybe he's Caesar?"
"I doubt it! The Zeppeli I heard from Uncle was a really cool and suave guy. This punk's just some playboy!"
They glanced over to him and kept eating, trying to look natural and failing heavily. The man smirked and held up a small box to the woman before putting it to the edge of the table.
"Senorita, this is a present for you."
"But why did you put all the way over there?"
"I want to see you reach for it, to gaze upon those beautiful hands for as long as I can."
JoJo scoffed and rolled his eyes as Pinkie began staling food from his plate.
"How can he say that with a straight face! What's with the men here?"
"I'unno but maybe you should keep watching."
It was a gold necklace with a turquoise gem. The woman gasped and put it on immediately.
"I-It's beautiful!"
"I have a request, my fair beautiful lady, think of me when you sleep every night. Whenever you go to bed, right before you close those star shimmering eyes, think of me."
JoJo slapped his own face before placing his hand on his plate and filling it with Hamon, causing Pinkie to fly back in from an explosive force of Hamon Spaghetti.
"Oh No! I'm getting sick to my stomach listening to this, I hate guys like this!"
"Heh, maybe you should look in a mirror, or take some notes? Weren't you looking for a girlfriend back in New York?"
"Yeah, but this guy is ridiculous!"
"She seems all caught in his mushy talk, look she's like, glowing."
The blonde glanced over to the two with a soft glare before giving even more attention to his date.
"And now, I shall place a spell with a kiss, a spell of love on this gift."
"O-Oh my-"
"And. A spell on your lips."
JoJo had enough and picked his fork, only for it to shock him at first with Pinkie giggling, and used three noodles charged with Hamon to stiffen.
"I'll just flick these at him to teach him a lesson, a woman's heart isn't plaything, he'll be on his ass flat. I'll have these noodles wrap around his face, he won't be talking then."
"He could be super serious about this. Nah, wait, go for it. I'm sure this'll come right back atcha."
"We'll see about that Pinkie!"
He pulled the noodles back and let them fly at their target, only for the man to lift his own fork with macaroni and catch the noodles, spinning the fork back to them and shot the noodles now stuck in the macaroni back at JoJo. He lifted up his wine glass in front of his face as the noodles and macaroni pierced the glass.
"WH-This is!"
"Dibs!"
Pinkie sucked the noodles from the macaroni as wine fell out of the holes. JoJo still was in slight shock.
"This is Hamon- Hey wait a minuet how long have you been eating my food!?"
"Waiter, check please, he's paying!"
"Pinkie we already get free food here-"
The waiter did come, but to the blonde man.
"Mr. Caesar Zeppeli, you have a phone message from Mr. Speedwagon."
"Speedwagon? Mama Mia, alright I'm coming."
JoJo's eyes widened as Pinkie's smile brightened.
"That womanizing Italian bastard is the Zeppeli we came to meet?!"
"Told you~!"
They got a call from Speedwagon as well, telling them to meet at the Toritonte Fountain. The group met up with JoJo and Caesar having their backs turned to each other, JoJo being surrounded by pigeons as he fed them, and Caesar flirting with a woman taking pictures by the fountain. Speedwagon and Pinkie looked between the two, a sigh coming from them both.
"This is going to be more difficult than I feared."
"I'm just waiting for the ice to thaw between them. I'm sure you two could be friends if you tried!"
They glanced at each other before glaring at each other
"Mr. Speedwagon, I'll take this opportunity to speak my mind. The tragic legacy of my family, the horrific fate of my grandfather, shared with my own father to find the mysteries of the Stone Mask so that it could properly be destroyed... Now rest on my shoulders. Their yoke to bear is mine and I have accepted this with peace and determination. My family, noble at the roots, and righteous to the branches have been filled with the pride of protecting this world. I am the same! But I refuse to aid any buffoon who does not value family, such as this ape, Joseph Joestar."
"What did you just fuc-"
"His family was kept a secret from him until three months ago."
"That does not excuse his Ripple. Their Ripple is simply deplorable, it took all of my consideration Mr. Speedwagon, to not accuse you of lying when I tested them."
"
"Oh yeah?! It's too late you two, I'm gonna kick this guy's ass."
Caesar grinned and pulled the girl close to him.
"Impossible with your level of Ripple. You couldn't even beat this woman."
"And you couldn't beat a pigeon with yours!"
JoJo took a step forward cracking his knuckles, only for the woman to grab him with a tremendously tight grip as pigeons flew away from the fountain in a huge flock punching him hard enough to draw blood and enough force to toss him into the fountain. Caser turned his head and held is head up high.
"See? You're weakness must run in your family, your grandfather needed so much help, it got mine killed!"
"You-You disrespecting me is one thing, but you don't get to talk about my family like you know any of them!"
Caesar leapt into the air from his sitting position and clapped his hands together.
"I've made this special technique for the Pillar Man, hiding soap water within special pockets in my costumes, take this and go back to the sticks Joestar!"
He spread his arms and formed a large bubble sheet in front of him in the air, swiping away as it separated into numerous bubbles, flying straight at JoJo. Filled with Hamon, each one slammed into him like a powerful fist, yet none had popped, rather they reformed around him and trapped him inside a giant bubble. He could only pant and wheeze as Caesar pulled the woman close.
"Next you'll say, 'And now, Senorita, I shall remove the Hamon spell with a kiss.' right."
"And now, Senorita, I shall remove the Hamon spell with a kiss."
He leaned in only for a pigeon to fly out of her mouth and into his. Falling back, panting and wheezing, the bubble prison popped with a smug JoJo pointing at him.
"I knew you'd kiss her again, so when the birds flew away I snuck one in her mouth, I'll say it again. You can't even beat a bird!"
"Keh..."
The two glared each other down before Pinkie pulled them up to their feet hugged the two.
"Why can't we be friends?"
"He's an country idiot!"
"He's an playboy ass!"
"You both have so much in common already."
No more fights happened between the two for the next few hours as they waited in the hotel. JoJo and Caesar attempted to play a game of poker but kept catching each other cheating, eventually having Pinkie dealing the cards, yet they never finished upon hearing wheels screeching outside.
"Mama Mia, he's early."
"What're you talking about?"
"JoJo stop looking trying to look over his cards."
"We'll end this game now. Our ride to the Pillar Men has arrived."
"Our ride?"
They left the hotel to find a black car outside, parked with tire streaks on the road, the window rolled down to reveal a rather young Nazi solider smiling at them.
"Your chariot has arrived~! Hey there Caesar."
"Mark! Only you would be so terrible on the road. C'mon everyone, he'll take us there."
"Hey, how come you get Nazi friends?"
"Germany and Italy are allied at the moment. The only reason a dumb Brit like you and a stranger like her is even here is because I begged them to!"
As they got in Caesar ruffled JoJo's hair roughly before driving off. Mark's driving was like that of a rollercoaster, much to Speedwagon and JoJo's dismay, yet Pinkie laughed and giggled as the car swerved about. Caesar didn't seem to mind either.
"So Mark, how's your girlfriend?"
"U-uhm, well... About a wee from now when I return home, we're getting married!"
"Mama Mia~! I'm so proud of you!"
"PUT YOUR EYES BACK ON THE ROAD-"
"JoJo do you have a girlfriend?"
"I'M SERIOUS LOOK UP GODDAM- wait what was that Caesar?"
"As if, no girl would ever want a simpleton like you."
JoJo grinded his teeth at Zeppeli thinking of some way to get back at him before stopping at the Coliseum. From foot they followed the young man to a strange spot.
"This small monument is known as the Mouth of Truth, behind it lies a Nazi party waiting for us, behind lies the Pillar Men."
"Well what're you waiting for, let's go!"
Mark nodded and pressed the side of the sculpture, the whole monument moved up to reveal a secret passage below into a tunnel, a faint odor of age and decay lingered. They went down the tunnel until JoJo stopped upon hearing a squishy sound.
"Eugh! Was that a bug I just stepped on? And why's it so dark in here?"
"Here I'll turn my flashlight o- Dear God! Th-There's bodies everywhere!"
"Mark look out!"
Caesar reached out to his friend, but he was too far away. Mark turned and flashed the light on the figures behind him. Six figures, three men and three girls, all taller than the soldier himself. The first short, light hair, had painted or tattooed on his face the thick outline of an equilateral square; crossing his face just under the bridge of his nose; upwards through the middle of each eye. The second man was tall, dark skinned, and very well-built. He had white hair, protruding in a bouffant tuft from under a tall headpiece. A dark tattooed X mark spanned his face, joined at the bridge of his nose, touching the middle of his forehead and jaw. He wore a nose ring in his right nostril, and great, thick hoop earrings. His brow rests in a sinister scowl. The third and last one was of much lighter complexation, and had more feminine features than the last. He wore a dark a head wrap. The girls resembled each man they were next to rather greatly save for their height. All of them, like Santana, were minimally dressed. The first man brushed against Mark's right upper body as the girl by his side brushed against his left shoulder, instantly the parts were absorbed, he fell back screaming not in pain but of shock. Caesar caught him before he hit the ground as the others could only watch the awakened Pillar Men. The first one fell to one knee as did the girl next to him as the others looked around.
"It's nighttime. Come everyone, we have a job to do."
"Yes Master."
"Sure Kars."
"Of course, Lord Kars."
"Whateve's."
"..."
The one now known as Kars took a step forward, yet the man and girl kneeling lifted their legs up and barely cut his arm. Instantly they readjusted themselves.
"Lord Kars! Forgive us, we have committed a crime against you."
"Punish us as you see fit."
"Wham, Tezla, what do you think you're doing?!"
"Cripes guys, can't you two wait til we get outside to fight~"
"It's fine ACDC, Ruj. Within our two-thousand years of sleep, I had almost forgotten, how much you two hate anyone being in your shadows. It's like instinct for you to attack anything stepping there, so if anything... It is I who should be apologizing."
"Lord Kars..."
"We are grateful."
As the two stood up, Tezla had notice a bubble floated over to her, and poked it. Her finger became stony as she glanced behind her. An angry Caesar glared at all of them.
"Who do you think you all are!? To kill such a young man, like he was nothing, do you think you're above us!?"
"Hamon? Still they live even after years of defeat."
"Yes."
She turned after answering instantly. A chilling stare, one a child gives to a roach before stomping into the ground, one that a merciless killer gives to a helpless victim.
"Your mere life is like a puff of smoke. Will you really waste it, boy?"
"SHUT UP!"
He ran up to them but stopped as Wham had also turned around, strange wires coming from his head piece, dwung around at the bubbles. Cutting away at them using strange torrents of wind as he tilted his head around as Tezla opened her mouth. The air had seemed to move on it's own.
"W-What is this?"
"Caesar get down!"
A small cut appeared on his lip before deeper cuts found themselves all over his face and neck. He stumbled bac in pain into JoJo's arms, but shoved him away, covering one eye and struggling to keep the other one open.
"Caesar stop, you're gonna lose your eyes at this rate."
"I-It doesn't matter if I lose an eye, these two, they've killed my friend! I must avenge him!"
Laughter. Warm genuine laughter came from the Pillar Men, save for Tezla who only kept her steely gaze.
"You... What's so funny?!"
"The Hamon Clan from two-thousand years ago would say the same things."
" 'I doesn't matter if I lose an arm.' "
" 'You'll pay for killing my friend!' Boo hoo~!"
" 'I'll avenge them, I must, I can't rest until I do!' as if."
"We're laughing because of how predictable you are, how many times we've heard such moving words, make them numbing to hear."
"How the Hamon Clan has stayed around this long, is a miracle in it's own right."
"You bastards..."
They turned away from him only angering him more. Lunging without thinking, Wham had lifted him with two fingers in his throat, merged into his body rather than poking two holes.
"And now I too shall repeat myself with this, 'Kid, the next time we meet get stronger before facing Wham'! That way I can respect you as I kill you."
He threw him into a pillar and looked around.
"It would seem this is all that remains of the Hamon Clan, Master Wham-"
Right then a loud distant pop was heard behind them with coughing. JoJo waved with Pinkie blowing bubble gum.
"We'd appreciate if you'd recognize the other ones here."
"Hiya! You guys don't seem so nice now, but maybe we can be friends after all this!"
Wham and Tezla simply stared at the two as the other kept their backs turned. JoJo and Pinkie grinned taking steps forward.
"Caesar's special attack was a bust, as expected, but it took me some time to come up with one myself."
"With the obvious help of yours truly.
"Allow us to introduce ourselves. I'm Joseph Joestar, or JoJo for short."
"And I'm Pinkmena Diane Pie, but you can call me Pinkie Pie!"
"That's your full nam- Anyways! We took care of your friend Santana!"
"Our Hamon isn't the best, but we know how to fix that."
They waved their arms in a clockwork fashion to the sides before revealing two clackers on wires charged with Hamon, a pair on JoJo's right and the other pair on Pinkies left, appearing from behind their arms. Swinging them around like nun-chucks only to have it hit them in the head.
"Agh Oh No!"
"OW!"
"What're you two idiots doing?! Don't you understand the situation at hand!?"
"Looks like humans actually began devolving, how pathetic."
"Devolving? Heh, maybe."
JoJo snarled until Pinkie elbowed him lightly with a wink.
"Hey, remember Neroand? Don't knock it til you try it!"
"It may look bad but it taste great, so go ahead and try our, Clacker Volley!
Smiling they started swinging the clackers before the balls suddenly vanished. Wham and Tezla eyes widened at the display as the two grinning tricksters took careful steps forward.
"Where'd they go~? If your so smart, I bet you'll find this easy to see through."
Caesar and Speedwagon being behind them were amazed at the tick. The clackers had been slung against each other and kept themselves in place behind them. Speedwagon and Caesar asked the same question in their mind, how could such a team exists?
"What? Still confused?"
"Well if you're really curious..."
Swinging their arms, the clackers flew from behind and at the Pillar Men, the balls coming from every direction that one could dodge. The speed at such close range were lethal to say the least.
"We'll show you!" "We'll show you!"
Had it been Santana this would have been it, but Wham and Tezla moved their upper bodies faster, and in disturbing inhuman ways. The clackers slipping form their grip and shot into the darkness.
"Th-This speed!"
"Hahaha! I will admit, you are interesting, your weapons and clever ideas, as well as your guts. One minuet then! One minuet you will have to face the mighty Wham! Tezla, I know you care not for them."
"I still fight by your side, even if it is a waste of time like this."
Folding their arms at the two humans before them, JoJo and Pinkie felt something, looking at their wrists they found a deep fresh cut. Blood pouring from the wound profusely. The other Pillar Men left, leaving them with the two warriors.
"As we have said to the Hamon Clan, one minuet."
"An hourglass measured in blood. Fail to survive long enough and you shall bleed out and die."
"Now go and retrieve your weapon!"
"Eh? What was that? Retrieve our weapon?"
"Now why would we do that?"
Wham raised a brow at their response. No one had noticed the pair clackers spinning from another embedded into a pillar. The Hamon stiffning the wire and held it out like a branch of a tree for the other pair to keep spinning until it swung back towards the four. Wham and Tezla turned and were struck by the clackers. Wham's left temple and Tezla's right side of her jaw both suffered a glowing scar as Pinkie caught the balls. JoJo hopped up and began to strike them with his own fists.
"That's our Clacker Boomerang! Now to pound you into oblivion!"
Not hesitating he struck away at them as did Pinkie. However no further damage had been done.
"Go ahead, this is what we deserve."
"No one has ever scarred our faces, due to my protection of my Master, this disgrace is your reward."
"As is our own next move. Know the honor it is to witness this."
"How can you say no one's ever hit you when you're this pathetic! You killed Mark without thinking about it, and now that arrogant attitude I hate so much, is about to get smashed!"
"Uh... J-JoJo?"
"Take that! And that! And this!
Pinkie took a step back as JoJo kept swinging away for a few more seconds before noticing the vascularity of the two monsters and jumping back himself.
"Your friend seems to be much more intuitive than expected."
"Letting you hit us was a lesson in for getting caught off guard."
"But that is over!"
Wham held his arms out as Teza fell back and leaned against him closely and held onto his face, the flesh of her throat opening and tubes made of bone shot out from her torso and connected to the hole now made to her throat. His right hand began twisting to the left as his left hand began to twist to the right at furious speeds. Her mouth opened as she screeched, a great gust of wind blowing from her, but Wham's attack was much more deadly. The force between his arms became that like a horrendous sandstorm. His fist seemed to grow bigger in the eyes of our heroes as the lunged for a nearby pillar and scaled it in a flash. However the pillar was destroyed instantly, the great winds lashing the stone like blades tearing away at rags, and soon caught JoJo and Pinkie, ripping away at them. They fell near the exit wounded heavily and not moving.
"As expected, they didn't survive the Holy Sandstorm, Master."
"It would be safe to assume so. However, those two have still witnessed this battle."
"Allow me."
Tezla began to walk to Speedwagon and Caesar but stopped upon seeing their face of sudden surprise and turned to the bodies behind her. They still lied dead. Shrugging she looked back to the two living beings but noticed Caesar's change in mood into anger, but not at her or Wham, and turned once more. The bodies had been noticeably farther than before. Wham had also noticed this and began to walk over to them but stopped with a disgusted face.
"What is it Master?"
"Nothing. The bowels have evacuated. Must have been our imagination."
With that the two turned as JoJo carefully crawled away and Pinkie squirmed like a worm. They glance behind them and whispered.
"So, you can make fun of me for wetting myself, when we get out of here."
"... Wait was he talking about you?"
"... This never leaves this cave."
"I make no promises. But how do we save them?"
"See that mine cart Pinkie, we're gonna take them for a ride."
They climbed into the cart as Pinkie turned and let out a loud raspberry. Wham and Tezla snapped to them and flew to the cart instantly.
"So you are alive! Trying to leave your friends to die?"
"If so then what a foolish thing to do and mock us."
"Funny thing actually."
"We were thinking how much we've bonded with you two, and decided to take you both on a trip!"
JoJo smirked and pulled the lever to get the cart rolling. Soon they were speeding down the ruins of years past.
"... Is that so? It seems we have underestimated you two. But what now?"
"You can't breathe correctly, you're still bleeding out with only seconds left, and the only plan I can see is using the brakes to flip the cart over. Like so."
Tezla kicked the brakes as the cart flew into the air, the wheels breaking up on hitting the ground and sliding on the rock.
"Perhaps it is that strange device, a dynamite, yes? That you have hidden behind your back."
"Guh!"
The cart crashed into a wall throwing Pinkie and JoJo outside of the ruin. Somehow they were inside the Coliseum. Wham put his foot onto JoJo's face as Tezla stared down at the two. JoJo reached fro the dynamite slowly but kept his eyes on the Pillar Men above them.
"A minuet has passed, ones who are called JoJo and Pinkie, you do not have enough blood to even stand."
'It is amazing you've survived this long. Perhaps humans can evolve."
"There are no more plans. So why, why do you smile in the face of death with such fearless eyes?"
"You want to know?"
"No, I'll just kill you now."
"We'd be stronger than you in a month."
"What!?" "What?" "What'd you just say-"
"You all heard me! In a month's time. Me and Pinkie would be just strong enough to beat you both! Think about it, we were the first to ever scar you, right?"
Pinkie caught on quickly and began nodding.
"He's right. You two are a cool team, but we're just getting started. Think about it!"
"..."
"Nah, actually I'm probably wrong now, maybe if we did train. But now we're just humans with unlocked potential."
"Fine. Speak your terms."
"Didn't you hear me, Wham? Don't you wanna get rid of us before we become a bigger threat-"
"I said continue!"
At that moment the one known as ACDC leapt down from above with the girl known as Ruj.
"Wham, it's been more than a minuet, kill them already."
"Master, Master, look what I found!"
She had picked up the stick of dynamite and held it out to ACDC who took it, and ate it, his stomach puffing up as it exploded inside.
"Lord ACDC, I have grown fond of these Hamon warriors. However I feel that I must ask my own protégé of her opinion."
JoJo mentally cursed himself. It was bad enough his friend came by, but he couldn't read Tezla at all, he could barely read Wham to use his honor quirk against him. To him this was death.
"Against my own better judgement, I say we let them have their month of life, perhaps this could make things more interesting."
"Then there you have it. For one month I, Wham."
"And I, Tezla."
"Shall not attack either of you in an entire months time starting at this very moment until you have proven yourselves."
"So not killing us?"
"Correct."
"And no sneak attacks or ambushes from you?"
"Correct."
"A proper rematch?"
"Correct."
"We just may be friends yet!"
"Pinkie I don't think we're anywhere close to being friends with them. Then again, if you don't kill us, you'll probably regret it."
"It has been decided. And to be sure you won't go back on your own word..."
"Oh? You'll use that Wham?"
He pulled a ring from his finger and shoved his hand into JoJo's chest. The same way Santana shoved his fingers into Speedwagon. Just like his Uncle, he let out a long winded scream until Wham pulled his hand out.
"What I was trying to say while you were squealing, I have placed a ring, called the Wedding Ring of Death. The properties of the ring itself shall dissolve until all that is left is the poison inside. It lies around the outer arteries. Should you fail in your training and flee it will end you. Truly til death do us apart! The only cure is the antidote within my lip piercing."
JoJo was sweating up a typhoon but smirked nonetheless. To him he had gotten the second best outcome of the situation at hand. Then ACDC chuckled and place another ring in his throat.
"Ehhh~ Just to be sure! You can have mine too. I doubt we'll be fighting though. My antidotes in my nose piercing. Kars! You want in on this?"
The voice of the leader faintly echoed from above.
"If you're all done playing with the primitive, we have a job to do."
"The Red Stone of Aja won't find itself."
The girls had their own rings for Pinkie and placed them in the same spots before all of them began scaling the building.
"Get stronger and perhaps you may overcome the Holy Sandstorm!"
With that they vanished into the night, leaving the two staring into the starry sky.
"I think we made great progress today! What about you?"
"Fuck my life."
Luna sighed in relief, her JoJo and Pinkie pieces were an utter bloody and bruised mess, but they stood alive and grinning.
"This is dire... But, we will prevail! The round is mine somehow, so now it is my move."
"I. N. D. E. E. D. T. H. E. S. T. A. G. E. I. S. S. E. T. H. O. W. W. I .L .L T. H. E. Y. F. A. R. E. I. N. A. M. O. N. T. H. S. T. I. M. E?"
The screen cut to a strange castle, on one side was a bed of spikes were Pinkie Pie held out the Element with two of the Pillar Men in front of her. Ruj and Tezla.