While Remus felt a little easier around Black, Potter, and Pettigrew, it didn't change his mind about being proper friends with them. He knew he couldn't and that made him feel lonelier. When they sat together at supper and they were all joking and laughing and having a good time, and actually trying their best to include Remus... it hurt more than he expected to be stiff and distant with them. None of them seemed to care though, and continued their chatting.

"Going off to your little study group?" Black asked when Remus finished eating and started shouldering his bag full of books.

"Ah, er, y-yes," he said, a bit worried they might ask to come with him. He could not imagine any of them sitting quietly in the library working on essays and helping other students with research and theories.

"Do you always go to study group?" Potter asked, adjusting his glasses.

"I t-try to," Remus said.

Potter and Black exchanged looks then Black whispered, "We can do it a different day." to which Potter whispered back, "Rather do it now."

This was not meant for Remus's ears and had been said so quietly they assumed he couldn't hear them, so he felt super awkward about the whole thing, not knowing what to say. Then Potter and Black both gave him a big grin and told him to have fun and they'd see him later.

Suspicious, Remus made his way to the library. He felt on edge as studying began and kept glancing nervously around, keeping his ears out. They're up to something, he thought and then at about six-twenty he heard a crackling sort of sound and then everyone in the group began shrieking as fireworks began going off, exploding and showering the aisles in sparks over the advanced charms section. Farrow began yelling at the top of his lungs, and other students in the library began shouting too, and Remus heard footsteps running around, then another firework went off.

"What in Merlin's name?!" Craft demanded, jerking back as a few sparks landed on their table.

There was a loud crashing sound several aisles away and then Farrow began yelling at the top of lungs at the culprits, threatening to kill them both, and telling them they were banned from the library for weeks, and McGonagall will hear about this! Then shuffling sounds and familiar giggling as Remus supposed Farrow hauled Black and Potter out of the library.

"McGonagall?" Pierce asked and then everyone looked at Remus, Evans, and Twycross. Rather, at Remus.

"Wh-what?" he asked, trying to look confused even though he knew perfectly well what was going on.

"It was Potter, wasn't it? And Black?" Twycross snarled.

"How sh-should I know?!" he demanded, cheeks going pink.

"They're your friends, aren't they?" Bones asked.

Remus shook his head. "Th-they're my dor-do-dormmates, tha-that's about it. I don't-don't know them that well. D-don't bl-blame me!" He picked his quill up and dipped it into his ink pot. "L-let's just continue..."

When Remus returned to the Gryffindor tower at seven for curfew, he went right up to the dorm and found them on Potter's bed having a rowdy game of exploding snap. They greeted Remus cheerfully then Potter asked if anything interesting happened.

Remus tossed his bag onto his bed. "Wh-what exactly were your g-goals? Why-why did you do that? What was the-point?"

"Dunno what you're yammering on about," Potter said.

Remus folded his arms and tried his best to look tough. "I'm not stupid. Who else would it have b-been?"

Black tossed a card down and it exploded. "We were trying out a timer spell," he said. "Obviously it didn't work out too well since the firecrackers went off while we were a few feet away."

"Nearly singed my hair!" Potter complained.

Remus eyed them both. "T-timer spells aren't s-something we'll be ll...learning till at least the f-fourth year, that's a bit too advanced."

"So we noticed," sighed Black as another card exploded.

Remus watched them and then sat down on the edge of his bed. "What were you hoping to-to accomplish? I m-mean, I understand the-the timing spell j-just why the-library? Why n-not try it wh-where you wouldn't get in trouble?"

Potter barked out some laughter, eyes bright. "Where's the fun in that?" he asked in a 'duhhh' sort of tone. "Only problem is we're banned from the library until November. If we need something, you'll help us, right?" He tried to pick up a card then yelped and dropped it as it exploded in his fingers.

Where's the fun in getting in trouble and banned from the library?! Remus wondered wildly. "How m-many points d-did you lose?"

"Only fifteen each," Black promised. "McGonagall decided to just dump detention on us instead. Four nights each," he added with a wink.

"Fif...teen points go-gone each, four nights of-of detention each, and-and-and banned... from the library... for a month," Remus stated. Both boys nodded. "Well, er, I-I'm glad you're pl-pleased with your r-results." He still couldn't figure out why didn't just test it out somewhere private, why getting in so much trouble made it better. The conversation ended anyway, as Pettigrew came in all pink and freshly scrubbed from his shower and wanting to join the game of snaps.

Remus curled up on his bed, his nose in a book, not really reading though as he was too busy pondering the sanity of Potter and Black.

()

On Tuesday in Flying lessons Hooch had everyone partner up with the intention of practicing balancing by tossing balls back and forth. Most the Gryffindors wanted to be paired up with Potter, especially since they had an audience. Some of the older students who had watched them the week before were sitting around, wondering if they'd see Potter's tricks again this week. Remus expected Potter to choose Black however he chose Cassandra Inkwood instead.

Remus glanced around, figuring Black would go with Pettigrew, and figured maybe he could be with Evans except Evans was already with Colgate. I don't think anyone would want to be with me, he thought as the Gryffindors paired up. There was an uneven amount of Slytherin students. Was he going to be with a Slytherin? He glanced towards them and saw Silverlocke was standing by himself looking a bit distraught. Remus hurried over.

"P-p-partners?" he asked hopefully.

Silverlocke smiled. "That would be great," he said and Remus let out a little sigh of relief, grateful he was able to actually pick someone. "Are you sure though?"

"Why-why w-w-wouldn't I be?" Remus asked and Silverlocke jerked his chin. Remus followed the line and saw Black looking at them both, forehead wrinkled, a big frown on his face.

Black hesitated then came over. "Lupin, partners?" he asked.

"I th-thought you w-w-were with P-Pettigrew?"

"I'd rather you," Black said simply, then looked at Silverlocke. "What do you want?"

"We're-t-t-teamed up," Remus muttered.

Black's frown returned. "Oh, I see. Well, maybe next week." He gave Silverlocke a bit of a glare then went back over to the Gryffindors and Pettigrew who seemed very relieved when Black stood next to him.

"If you'd prefer being with... him... I understand," Silverlocke said, averting his gaze as if expecting Remus to just run off with the other boy.

Remus got on his broom, sitting in what he hoped was the right position. "No," he answered and Silverlocke looked pleased.

Once everyone was ready, Hooch handed out red balls which she called Quaffles, and then blew her whistle for everyone to get in the air. It took a few kicks for Remus to start flying and then as soon as Silverlocke threw the ball he fell off his broom. The Slytherins began laughing hard (and a couple Gryffindors) and Remus got up off the ground, blushing. He tossed the ball to Silverlocke before getting back on his broom.

"I didn't mean to," Silverlocke said anxiously. "I didn't realize you weren't paying attention."

I was paying attention, Remus thought as he got back up to five feet off the ground, the minimum Hooch said was acceptable for this lesson. "S'all r-r-r-right," he managed to say, aware he was being watched almost as much as Potter.

Potter and Inkwood were at the maximum height of fifteen feet and Remus saw why Potter had chosen her: she was a fair flyer. They were expertly throwing the ball back and forth, Potter with a lot more accuracy and ability than Inkwood. Potter kept catching the ball in various ways to show off. One handed, upside down, during a loop-to-loop, earning constant cheers from the audience. Potter grinned, flashing his bright smile at the students on the ground, soaking the attention in.

Remus turned back to Silverlocke who threw the ball carefully. Remus panicked immediately, realizing he needed to let go with both of his hands and wasn't willing to do that, so he tried to catch it one handed and failed utterly. The ball dropped to the ground and some Slytherins laughed again. Silverlocke dove down and picked the ball up off the ground without even getting off his broom.

"It's fine, try again," Silverlocke said encouragingly.

"Mr. Lupin, you need to balance yourself without holding the handle," Hooch said.

Remus gulped heavily and while Silverlocke returned to the air he slowly let go with one hand and then even slower let go with the other. He clenched his legs around the broom and felt dizzy and swaying and then fell off without the ball even being thrown, and everyone laughed at him. He lay on the ground, brilliantly red. Even Pettigrew was able to stay on his broom, albeit with difficulty. Even the huge and gorilla-ish Bulstrode was able to stay balanced.

Hooch came over to make sure Remus didn't have any injuries and then said he and Silverlocke could stay just three feet off the ground.

"What a baby!" Mulciber laughed.

"Hooch, maybe he should ride with someone else," Avery suggested. "Like a child."

Just then a red ball went flying and hit Avery square in the head, knocking him clean off his broom. Everyone's eyes traveled over and saw Potter and Inkwood were now missing a ball, and Inkwood was glowering at her partner.

"POTTER!" Hooch shouted.

"Sorry, it slipped out of my hands," Potter said, an innocent grin. "I guess I'm not as talented as I thought."

"He's better than I thought," Silverlocke said so softly only Remus could hear.

"Is he th-that good?" Remus asked.

Silverlocke shrugged. "Unless it was an accident, yes. To hit a target that size from that distance, and with enough force to knock him off his broom? Potter's good. Very good. Please don't tell him I said that, though, I don't think he needs more of an ego boost..."

Potter was doing barrel spins as the older students cheered and then he looped around and caught the ball Hooch angrily threw back at him. "Won't happen again," he promised.

Remus and Silverlocke spent the rest of the lesson flying very close to each other in order to toss the ball back and forth. Silverlocke was more or less handing the ball to him, and even then Remus fumbled with it. He got very shaky and scared whenever he had to use both hands and was glad when it was time to land. He apologized to Silverlocke at being such a crappy partner but Silverlocke smiled and promised he didn't mind.

"Baby," Avery and Mulciber said as they walked past, Mulciber purposely knocking into Remus which sent him stumbling back.

Across the grounds Potter was talking with the older students, especially with a muscular looking boy and a waspish sort of girl. Potter looked more and more excited as they spoke and then he shook both their hands before running over to Black and Pettigrew. "That was Drew Tanner, and Patricia Bell," Remus heard Potter inform Black and Pettigrew. "Tanner's the current captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team though he's graduating this year, and he's pretty sure Bell will be taking over; she saw me last week and brought Tanner over and he says he has high hopes for the team if I'm on it next year!"

"Whoa! James! Congratulations!" Black said, giving his friend a high five.

"But what if you don't make try outs?" Pettigrew asked. "Isn't it unusual for a second year to be on the team?"

Potter put his hands on his hips and glared. "I will make it! And second years get on the team all the time... all right, usually as reserves, however I will be on it proper. Watch me, I will. If there wasn't some dumb rule about first years not allowed I could be a reserve this year, Tanner said. Wait till I write Mum and Dad, I bet they'll get me the best model broom next summer...! Tanner said I could come to some practices too..." Potter, Black and Pettigrew wandered off as Potter talked endlessly about the conversation.

Then Black stopped and looked back at Remus. "Come on, Lupin! Hurry up!" he called, waving his arm.

"I'll see you tonight," Silverlocke said.

"Oh, er, I-I won't be th-there I have... some stuff I n-need to do," Remus said apologetically. He gave his broom to Hooch and then went over to join the other three boys, giving Potter a congratulations as well.

()

After supper (which was mostly Potter talking about Quidditch) Remus went to an unused classroom on the fourth floor, where he was going to receive his new lessons. Ms. Fawley was already there, sitting on a large purple sofa in the middle of the room. He shut the door behind him and she pulled out her wand, locking the door.

"Come on in, dear," she said, patting the sofa next to her. He crept over and sat down, sinking a little bit into the giant cushions. "Nervous?"

"A b-b-bit."

"That's fully understandable." She tucked some of her white hair behind one ear then folded her hands in her lap. "I don't see any reason not to just start immediately. Do you know anything about occlumency and legilimency?"

They talked about the magic for a good ten minutes, mostly Remus reciting what he remembered from the book. Ms. Fawley kept nodding and smiling, very pleased at him for taking the time to read about the subject. Then she told him to do his best at clearing his mind, and emptying himself of all emotions.

This isn't going to go so well, he thought then closed his eyes, trying his best to make his brain as empty as possible, to let go of his emotions. It was harder than he thought. He felt worried and anxious and afraid.

"It will be fine, Remus. Try not to worry. I do not expect you to be able to learn this in a few lessons or even before your next year at school." He felt her fingers against his forehead. "I can perform legilimency through touch. Most people need the spell or even eye contact. Which I used to be able to do..." She gave a twinkling sort of laugh. "However, my legilimency magic is the same as any other, so even though it's done differently... if you can fight mine off, you can fight anyone else's else... at least those at my level."

"Are you at a-a high level?" Remus asked, eyes still closed.

"Mmhmm. Now... no thoughts... no emotions... this might feel strange..."

He jolted as memories began pouring through his head like someone flipping through a book super fast. He saw glimpses of his life. It was going in reverse... him, eleven, crouched in a doorway, watching Dumbledore talk to his dad, hearing this strange man say 'lycanthropy' in a knowing voice...seven years old, looking out his bedroom window as some local children were walking by, wanting to join them, running down to ask his mother, her telling him he can never... very small now, laying broken and bleeding and sobbing in the dark cellar room, crying for his mother, not understanding what just happened, not understanding the pain...

Remus fell off the couch, gasping for air, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Mama," he said without even meaning to, still feeling like he was the toddler in the final memory that had flashed in his head. Ms. Fawley remained silent while he gathered himself and got back on the couch. She was frowning in a sad sort of way however offered no words of sympathy.

"Are you ready to try again?"

Remus sniffled. "Y-y-yes."

"No emotion," she said and he wondered how to let go of his emotions now! He didn't want to see himself at four, didn't want to experience that absolute hell. He couldn't remember his first transformations on his own and didn't want to be reminded of them now. Fawley reached out and pressed her cool fingertips against his head. "I'll try not to go so deep this time, dear."

Flash, Remus standing on Platforms Nine and Three Quarters as his mother cried and he trembled. Flash, sitting on the stool with the Sorting hat whispering werewolf in his ear. Flash, Dedenne telling him to control himself. Flash, Charms class the previous day, Black grinning at him.

This time when he came out of his memories he was still on the couch though his head was beginning to hurt. "I d-d-didn't do it right, did I?"

"Not very, however there's nothing surprising or wrong about it," Fawley said. "Let's take a few minutes break while you focus on emptying everything, all right?"

Fawley tried three more times that evening, each time just skimming the shallow memories, mostly of his month at school. He was unable to stop her each time though since they were just school memories they weren't as hard as the first time. The most he felt was crushing loneliness. Still, his head ached so much and having headaches as a werewolf sucked because his head would start hurting then the wolfy regeneration would help ease it, then it would start hurting again. A stop-and-go sort of thing that made him a bit dizzy and tired. And he was already dizzy and tired from the occlumency attempts.

Fawley instructed him to practice as often as he could of emptying himself, and said she'd see him in two weeks. Then she laughed and tapped her splotches. "You know what I mean."

"Th-th-thank you, Ms. Fawley," he said, rubbing his temples. "I'll d-d-do my best."

"Mr. Lupin..."

"Yes?"

Fawley stood up, clutching her cane. "I'm... an outcast in my family because I chose to stand by my sister. Everyone else shunned her, our parents disinherited her. She was on the register but it never did anything to help her. You're very lucky to have your parents."

Remus felt a little swell of pride. "Y-yes, th-thank you, I-I know they could have just abandoned me."

"I know you're lonely... it was a very common theme in the emotions of your memories, however..."

"I underst-stand," he said before she could go on.

"Be careful."

"I w-will. Thank you."