Over the next couple days, Remus kept having the image of his own battered four-year-old body pop up in his head. It set him on edge, especially with the full moon coming up, and on Wednesday during a Herbology exam he could barely focus and only just finished answering the last question when Sprout said to put their quills down. When he left the greenhouse he was rubbing his forehead and blinking in confusion at all the happy noise around him, part of his brain still down in that cellar with his toddler self.

I was four, he thought Wednesday night after Astronomy as he lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I didn't understand any of it. He tried to purposely dredge up memories but couldn't. All he could manage was that brief image he got from Tuesday. What did my parents do? How did they comfort me? How could they comfort me...? He tried to remember the earliest transformation he could but they all just sort of blended together in a blur of pain and terror. His mother sobbing afterwards, carefully cleaning him off, trying to bandage his wounds, putting him in his bed...

Remus rolled over, hugging his pillow, swinging back into wishing he were at home with his mother now. He missed his father too but there was something distant and cool about him most the time. His mother was the one who showed her heart on her sleeve and gave him the love he didn't deserve. Maybe it's since she's a Muggle and doesn't really understand. He gave a little sigh and closed his eyes, eventually drifting into a nightmarish sleep full of the images that plagued him during the day.

()

Potions on Thursday. Remus still didn't have a way to stop the scents and it was a particularly bad day as Slughorn went on about a multitude of ingredients they'd be practicing on and worst of all, one of the things needed was an item Remus dreaded using. He remembered when he got his beginner's potions kit and saw the item inside. He cried for a good ten minutes.

"All right everyone," Slughorn said with a clap of his hands, "for the amphyr roots you'll need your silver knife."

Remus took in a deep breath and carefully opened the little kit. The silver knife was wrapped up in leather which his father had done for him. Slowly Remus pulled it out, doing his best to appear calm and collected as he set the knife down then picked it up by its handle which was not silver. It pulsed in his hand though, the feel of pure silver being so close to his body making him feel terrible.

"B-be careful!" he said as next to him Pettigrew was going at the amphyr root with zest, his hand and the silver knife flailing about. Remus scooted a bit, hoping he didn't look as pale as he felt. At the front of the room, Slughorn was eyeing him. Remus swallowed and then began chopping the roots up as best he could, his hands only slightly shaky. It was made harder due to the fact some students were already moving on to the next ingredient which was the amphyr petals which gave off a very strong heady scent. He began to grow dizzy even before he was done with the roots.

"Mr. Lupin, these do need to be done by the end of class... Mr. Pettigrew, are you chopping or mutilating?" Slughorn asked, looking with disdain at the shreds in front of Pettigrew. "Mr. Black, they're very uneven there... Mr. Potter, quite good, quite good..."

Remus was the last one to finish with the roots and then began plucking the petals off the flower, swaying a bit in his seat and feeling rather drifty. He began giggling at nothing, then giggling even more as Pettigrew pulled a petal off so hard the flower gave a squirt right in his eye and he had to be taken to the back of the room to get his face cleaned off.

"Some of you may be feeling the giddy effects of the amphyr head," Slughorn said, mostly looking at Remus who began giggling again. "Mr. Lupin, please remove yourself until you calm down."

Remus was hiccuping with laughter by the time he stumbled out the door and collapsed on a stone bench, laughing for a good five minutes and giggling for another five. He wasn't the only one who succumbed to the flower though. Pettigrew soon joined him since he had had a very close encounter with the juice and he was absolutely hysterical even after getting his face washed off. Alice Colgate came out a moment later, giggling into her hands, and then a Slytherin girl called Alexander, and then Mulciber who was too busy laughing it up to insult the Gryffindors. Colgate was the first to go back then Remus did, wiping his face as he returned to his seat. He did his best to catch up on the ingredients and with the help of Potter managed to get finished by the time class ended. Pettigrew was still outside when they left, sitting splayed on the floor, tears running down his cheeks.

"It-hurrrts!" he wheezed as he laughed.

Remus, Black, and Potter just stood there looking down at him. "Should we take him to Pomfrey?" Black asked, scratching his head.

"I'd say so," piped up Evans who was hovering nearby. "Look at him!" They looked again but didn't see anything particularly wrong. "He can hardly breathe!" she added in a very snappish tone. "You are aware hyperventilating is a thing right? A body needs oxygen!"

"Oh go on then," Potter said as he hauled Pettigrew up, pulling his arm over one shoulder. "Sirius, a little help?"

"I'm too tall," Black said as he tried to pull Pettigrew's arm up over his shoulder, having to crouch a bit. "Yo-Lupin...?"

Remus hesitated but Evans was glaring so he gave his bag to Black to carry and took his place. "I'm t-too small," he said but it wasn't as awkward with him there instead of Black so he and Potter helped Pettigrew (who was occasionally turning purple) to the hospital wing with Black on their trail.

"Amphyr flowers," Potter said as he and Remus dropped Pettigrew onto a bed and Pettigrew began gasping and wheezing and flailing as Pomfrey watched him.

"Oh Merlin," she said, shaking her head. "Did it get him in the face?"

"Right in the eye!" Black said cheerfully. "It was bloody brilliant!"

"Language." She checked Pettigrew's face and then pushed him farther up into the bed. "You'll be fine though you should stay here till it wears off in case you start to hyperventilate."

"Evans was right," Potter whispered into Black's ear.

"You boys best be on your way, he doesn't need you hanging about," Pomfrey said and made shoo-ing motions with her hands. "Except you, Mr. Lupin, I need a quick word." She took Remus to her office and shut the door behind them. Remus stood there, curious as to what she could possibly want. "If you're working on amphyr flowers and I'm assuming roots, that means you needed to use a silver knife. Are you all right?"

He raised his eyebrows. She was concerned about him. "Y-yes, I was very c-careful and held th-the end of the handle," he said.

"It doesn't hurt you being near it?" she asked.

"Er, n-no. I don't know exactly wh-what it does to me, honestly," he answered. "None of th-the books I've read says m-much about it and my parents have k-kept it far away f-from the house since..." Suddenly his face lit up. "Do you know what would happen if silver touched me, Madame Pomfrey?"

The Healer shook her head. "I'm afraid I don't. All I know is it is extremely dangerous to werewolves and the only way to... truly..."

"Kill us," Remus finished for her, not even batting an eyelash though Pomfrey frowned. "It's okay."

"Yes... well..." She smoothed her apron down then put a hand on Remus's shoulder, guiding him back out of her office. "I want to-WHAT DID I SAY?! GET OUT!"

Potter and Black had returned and were standing by Pettigrew's bed and telling him jokes while Pettigrew was now quite purple and hardly able to take in any air. Potter and Black dashed out of the hospital wing while Pomfrey hurried over to Pettigrew and began doing some spells to help him breathe easier. Remus gave Pettigrew an anxious glance then slipped out after the other two, intending to scold them for nearly killing Pettigrew but when he did they just began laughing about it.

"Death by laughter, that's how I want to go," Black said.

"It's n-n-not funny!"

"Peter would disagree," Potter said which sent Black into more snickers.

"Ooh, you two are... are..."

"Poisonous back-bunched toads?" Black asked, eyes twinkling.

Remus tilted his chin up and glared. "Repugnant! And it's bunch-backed!" With that he stomped off as the two of them continued laughing.

Pettigrew was out of the hospital wing by supper (though still a bit giggly) and didn't seem at all upset at his friends for attempting to murder him with jokes.

()

Remus 30/9/71

I'm none pleased someone else has been brought into the circle of those who know however it's far too late to do anything about it. Your mother is very worried too. Is this Fawley someone you feel can be trusted? I'm aware Dumbledore has said she is but I'm not sure.

There is probably a spell to not smell anything though I don't know what it is. I know spells that make you smell certain things like roses or other flowers but that might bother you too. If you think it will help, the spell is: Rosadorus. Rose-a-door-us. Tap the tip of your nose. Be careful attempting this spell, the first time I tried it all that happened was roses sprouted out of my nostrils and let me tell you those thorns gave me quite the issue.

Lyall

()

The first of October brought in chilly rain so everyone stayed in the castle. Remus spent his afternoon in his dorm attempting the spell his father had sent him. Unfortunately all he could manage to do was make himself sneeze rose petals and soon his bed was covered and the room was full of the sickly sweet stench. He did his best to brush all the rose petals into his waste bin and then sat at his desk to work on his Defense essay. His mind was elsewhere, though; the full moon was very close again and he suspected it would be bad again, with the memory of his early transformation still skulking about his brain.

He was practicing emptying himself of emotion like he promised but it was really difficult. Every time he tried he just became more aware of every single emotion going through his body. Mostly worry and anxiety. The more he tried, the more he felt. An endless loop. It was especially hard with the moon coming up. That's when I need to the most, he thought, sucking on the end of his quill. I hope it doesn't take much longer to get this right. Fawley says it'll take me over a year but she doesn't know me. No matter what Dedenne says, I'm pretty decent at magic...

The doors opened and the three stooges came tumbling in. Almost immediately they began pinching their noses and complaining of the smell. "What happened in here? Did Professor Sprout attack you or something?" Potter asked.

"No, s-sorry, w-was trying a spell," Remus said. "Didn't w-work out so well."

"It stinks! What is that?" Pettigrew complained.

"Roses, I think," Black answered, his nose wrinkled. "A lot of roses. What were you even trying?"

Remus mumbled a response, realizing that even if he could get the spell to work right it wouldn't help. He didn't think he could go through the entirety of Potions class with this smell clogging up his nose.

Then Black was at his elbow, peering down at the paper. "Could you help me with my essay? You've got loads of stuff here I never even thought of."

Potter came over and began reading as well. "Hey, this stuff is good. How come you're so smart? Can we copy?"

"No! You c-can't copy!" Remus said, covering the papers quickly. "I'll h-help if I can but-but you probably d-don't want my help in Defense... I'm n-n-not very good."

"Not good? What I read of that essay was bloody good," Potter said and began poking at Remus's elbow to try and get him to move his arm. "Better than mine."

"Aren't you pretty much top in everything? Except Potions?" Pettigrew asked.

"And Flying, don't forget that," Potter put in quickly with a wicked grin.

Remus shot a glare at Potter. "Yes, thank you s-so much for reminding me." Then he wondered what would happen if he did let them copy his homework. Would Dedenne give them all the same grade as him or would they get better grades? She'd notice though, and probably accuse me of copying them. Still... if I help them and they get a better grade that's evidence... But he didn't know what he could do with evidence even if he had absolute, no-doubt-about-it proof. He had enough proof for himself. And he wouldn't go to anyone about it so really, it'd be a pointless exercise. Still...

"I'll h-help you," he said and all three boys cheered. "Now, l-let me see what you've got." Pettigrew and Potter began going through their things while Black just stood there. "Aren't y-you going to-to get your paper?"

Black stuck his hands in his pockets. "Haven't started it yet."

"It's d-d-due Monday! And it's supposed to be two feet long!"

Black shrugged. "I'll work on it this weekend and you can help me smooth it out Sunday night, eh?"

Remus bit his tongue and then looked down at the scrolls the other two were shoving into his hands. "Y-yeah, I c-can do that," he said lightly, wishing he could say no I won't be here Sunday night! "Erm, P-Pettigrew? You d-do know 'Cornish' doesn't start with a-a 'k' right?"

"Errrr of course I knew that, ha ha... ha..."

()

Saturday was very rainy too and Remus spent that day in the library. In the afternoon while he was studying someone came up to him, clearing their throat for his attention. It was an older student and Remus glanced up, wondering what had happened, or if he was sitting at her usual table or something, however all she said was there were three boys waiting outside the library for him. Sighing, he put everything in his bag and left the library to find Black, Potter, and Pettigrew waiting with eager faces.

"We needed your help with something," Potter said, "so we had to bribe that girl to get you."

Remus tried to hide a snicker. "You d-do realize Pettigrew isn't banned fr-from the library, right? He could have gotten me."

The eagerness turned to blankness and then Potter began coughing. "Er, well, he's banned too."

"For what?" Remus demanded.

"Wait, no, he's right, I'm not ba-ooof!" Pettigrew was cut off as Potter elbowed him quite hard.

"What did you n-need me for? Your essays?"

"Nah, we need a fourth for sphinxes," Black said.

Remus just stared. "Sphinxes," he said and all three of them nodded. "You-bribed someone to-to come take me away from-my homework... for... a card game."

"Well, when you put it that way," Potter mumbled, rubbing the back of his head.

"You c-could have gotten anyone else," he pointed out. Or played something else.

"We wanted you," Black said. "But you don't have to."

Remus glanced back at the library door then at the three boys. I should work on my schoolwork... and I shouldn't be too friendly with them... He shouldered his bag and took a step towards them. "All r-right, why not." Only a million reasons why not, he thought as he followed them to the Great Hall and spent the rest of the afternoon playing cards with them, laughing, and having a really good time.

()

Sunday morning Remus didn't wake up until Black shook him at around eleven. Remus squinted over his covers and then reluctantly got out of bed, feeling so tired and exhausted already, feeling the moon tugging at his soul. He threw on shabby jeans and an old sweatshirt and followed the other boys down to an early lunch.

"You don't look so well," Black said as Remus stared at his food. "You okay?"

"Huh?" Remus glanced up. "Oh, er, yeah, sorry, just a-a bit tired. Stayed up st-studying last night. After all I spent too much time playing c-card games," he added with a fake stern look.

"Our apologies for being so boring playing games and making jokes instead of the fantastically fun time of reading and doing homework," Potter said in a mock annoyed voice. At least Remus hoped it wasn't real... but then Potter was grinning so he knew Potter wasn't being serious.

"Thank you for the apology, it-it was much needed," Remus sniffled.

"Do you really have fun studying?" Pettigrew asked.

"Actually, y-yes," he admitted.

"You're weird, man," Potter said, shaking his head while Pettigrew just squinted at Remus clearly wondering once more if he had escaped Saint Mungo's after a confession like that.

Black cleared his throat. "So, I was thinking-"

"Did it hurt?" Potter interrupted.

Black flicked his wand. "Locomotor cup." Potter's glass of milk tipped into his lap. He jumped back, yelping and complaining and giving Black dirty looks. "As I was saying, I was thinking, we should-"

"MR. BLACK!" McGonagall had seen what just happened and stood behind Black with her lips in the thinnest line Remus had ever seen them. "We do not use magic like that. Five points from Gryffindor." She aimed her wand at Potter and the milk disappeared though his pants still looked a bit damp. "If I see you do that again, you'll have detention." Then she gave Remus a rather bewildered look before walking off.

"I was thinking... wait... what was with that look she gave you?" Black asked Remus.

"No idea," he said, watching her retreating back. "Maybe sh-she's wondering what I'm doing with you lot."

"Being bored not studying, that's what," Pettigrew joked and Remus snickered.

"Awfully bored," Remus said trying his best to sound like he'd rather be in the library. "S-sorry, you were s-saying?"

Black narrowed his eyes. "Any more interruptions? Hmm? No? Okay, so I was th-"

"Potter, what on earth happened to you?" Evans asked as she came over, staring at his pants. "Did you pee yourself?"

Potter looked absolutely aghast. "NO I DID NOT!" he shouted.

Evans raised her eyebrows. "Right. Anyway, Remus." She turned to look at him. "I was wondering if you wanted to work on our Astronomy assignment together this afternoon?"

It felt bizarre to him when she used his first name. It was the first time anyone his age had, and he wasn't sure how to feel about it. "Er-"

"He can't, he's playing cards with us," Black said.

Evans frowned. "Oh. I see. All afternoon?"

"It's a very intense card game," Potter said in a growly sort of voice, still angry at her comment.

Technically I didn't agree, or even know if that's what we're doing, he thought but he gave Evans a faint smile. "S-sorry."

Evans rolled her eyes. "All right well if you want to spend your time with two idiots who got banned from the library for setting fireworks off in there, that's your choice."

"Yes it is, and he does," Black said quickly.

"I'll s-see you to-tonight," Remus lied, feeling guilty he wouldn't. Evans gave him a smile now, glared at the other boys, and then flounced off to get her lunch.

"Not teasing you but is she your girlfriend?" Potter asked.

"What?! No! Ew!" Remus yelped without even thinking about what he was saying.

"Good cause there's much more important things than girls right now," Black said, rubbing his hands.

"Like... a card game?" Pettigrew asked.

"Oh no, lads, my plan involves dung bombs... and Filch's office... and we definitely need Lupin."

"Why me?!" he demanded.

"Because here's the plan: Lupin, you're friends with the ghosts, yeah? You convince one of the ghosts to go tell Filch someone is causing trouble on the sixth floor or something. That way none of us will be involved that he can point an ugly, bony finger at when he comes back and finds the dung bombs everywhere." Black spread his hands out. "Yeah? Yeah?"

"Brilliant!" Potter laughed, clapping. "Come on, Lupin, you've got to help us."

Remus shrank back a little bit. "I... err... d-don't know... I don't think any of the-the ghosts would even be willing..." He trailed off, though, realizing he did know a ghost that would enjoy pranking Filch. "Well. M-maybe... I do know a g-ghost that d-doesn't like him..." Myrtle had gone off about him once. Apparently he was trying to convince Dumbledore to get rid of her since she often caused plumbing issues. However, Remus was pushing his luck with being nice and friendly to them. He needed to push them away. Not make friends! Even if pranking Filch sounded absolutely hilarious...

All of them were looking at him and he slumped down, rubbing his temples. "Oh, all right."