Remus woke up screaming from a nightmare, sweat soaking through his clothes. He expected to hear Spinnet shouting at him but nobody said anything. He glanced around, confused at why all the lights were on... then remembered it wasn't the middle of the night. He had fallen asleep in the afternoon. He gave a groan and collapsed back, curling up into a ball, wrapping his arms around himself. His nightmare had been very vivid... Pomfrey coming into the house before sunrise and he had eviscerated her... he could still see her intestines hanging out of her body... A few tears rolled down his cheeks onto his pillow.

Voices out in the hallway. Remus closed his curtains and slithered back under his covers, not feeling like company.

"...down to supper whenever he wakes up," he heard Potter saying.

"You saw him, he looked sick," Black said back.

"He said he was just tired. He must have had a really rough time with his mother being so ill."

"Yes but he didn't look too well himself."

The door opened and the two boys came in along with the scent of food. "Is he awake yet?" Potter asked.

Remus sat up, rubbing his eyes pretending as if it was from sleep, as Black pulled the curtains back. "We brought some supper," Black said.

Potter came over to set a huge tray of food down on Remus's bed. "Whoa, is that blood?" he asked, gaping at the dark stain on the blanket. Remus looked down and saw his black trousers looked a bit stained over his leg. His bandage must have come off.

"No, it's-just-cherry soda," Remus lied, tugging at the blanket to try and hide the stain. "I spill-spilled some the other night and j-just stained while I was away, I guess." Potter didn't look like he quite believed him but Remus was saved by Pettigrew coming bursting through the doors with more food.

The four of them ate though Remus just kept thinking about his leg and all the blood. After he ate enough food to excuse himself, he took a clean uniform and went to get a shower. He wasn't limping anymore, his leg nearly healed-and sure enough once inside the shower stall when he took his pants off and the bandage he saw there was just a pink scar there, though there was loads of blood all over his leg. There were other scars-most of them faded by this point-crisscrossing all over his legs and sides.

You saw him, he looked sick, he didn't look too well... Remus mulled over Black's words as he let the hot water wash the blood away. That's just proof I've got to be better at my mother's rules, he thought. No friends. I'm getting... I'm letting them in too much. He didn't want to push them away though. They were funny and he had quite enjoyed pranking Filch the other day (that reminded him, he needed to ask if anything came out of it, if they were caught...). He didn't know if he could bring himself to be rude to them. He'd just have to... keep to himself again. No more card games.

()

Thursday morning at breakfast was the first time Remus was able to borrow Evans's notes and copy them all down, as well as all the assignments. She inquired about the notes from the boys and Remus just smiled, shaking his head. "I d-d-don't think they're as academically inclined." Though Black is rather artistically inclined, he added to himself, realizing he still had that drawing by his bed.

Transfiguration class was spent doing a lot of complicated equations and then trying to turn a ceramic teacup into a glass cup which was loads harder than he imagined. Adding mass is easier than taking away, he thought as he sweated and focused and gave himself a headache. By the end of class his teacup was cup shaped and sort of cloudy, the most transparent out of anyone else in the room at least.

McGonagall assigned homework and dismissed class, asking Remus to stay behind. She went around turning all the teacups back into proper teacups until the last student left, then she sat down in a chair next to Remus instead of behind her desk.

"Albus informed me you wish to stay by yourself," McGonagall said, her face quite stern which made him nervous. "He wanted to know my opinion."

"And-and th-that is...?" he asked, shifting around in his seat.

"That while you show a remarkable maturity compared to others of your age you are still only eleven and too young." He bowed his head at that, all his hopes slipping away. "However..." He glanced back up as she adjusted her rectangular glasses. "I do agree with you that it is a risk having you come back in every morning, and out in the evening. Right now we will continue with how things are. Perhaps in your second year we will consider otherwise."

Not till my second year of school?! He bit back his comment. "I-I see. Th-thank you, Professor." He felt so disappointed. Though not surprised. Even though he felt older than eleven... felt that he had already lived a thousand lifetimes... he was still young. He also suspected his size worked against him. He bet if he were as tall as Black they'd be more disposed to allowing him to be by himself. "Oh, I n-nearly forgot..." He pulled out the homework that had been due Tuesday and handed it to her.

"I wish all my students were as zealous about schoolwork as you," McGonagall said with a rare smile. Remus gave a small smile back. "Also I was curious how you did yesterday? I heard you went to Defense Against the Dark Arts. Shouldn't you have stayed in the hospital wing?"

"I f-felt fine," he lied. "I took a-a nap afterwards."

McGonagall gave him a look, not believing him. "Yes. Well. Best be off to History."

"Thank you, Professor."

()

After History Remus went up to Professor Binns and asked him what all they had covered on Tuesday. Binns just floated off through the wall ignoring him completely.

"Wh-why is he even a teacher?!" Remus complained to Evans as he left the class; she had been waiting for him. "He's so boring and-and doesn't even lecture w-well."

"I had a teacher like that in school, I mean you know, school before Hogwarts. Muggle school," Evans said as they began walking down the hall. "She was very drone-y and just stared at us through these thick glasses whenever we asked a question as if 'how dare you'. Least she got our names right."

"What was Muggle school like?" he asked.

"Ooh, no where near as interesting as Hogwarts," Evans laughed. "I never really fit into school. I was the odd one out. Everyone thought I was just... weird." She reached up, tucking some hair behind one ear. "One time this girl was bullying me during lunch and her juice box exploded all over her. I got in trouble even though there didn't seem to be any way for me to have done it... least, not as a Muggle." She gave a tinkling sort of laughter. "Nobody believed me when I said it just popped on its own."

"I b-bet that was all w-weird. I mean, m-magical things happening around you," he said then sort of regretted this. Too... friendly... you need to STOP!

Evans nodded. "It was for a while, until I was around nine and met a magical boy who saw me doing stuff, and told me about it. I remember once when I was really young I got into my mum's makeup and my sister came in and caught me making a mess, and she ran off to get mum and I panicked and then suddenly all the mess just disappeared. Mum figured my sister was just trying to get me in trouble. What was it like for you? Being raised in a magical house?"

"Er, n-I'm not really th-the person to ask," he replied. "My f-father worked so it's always mostly been just me and-and my mother, who's Muggle. So I w-was raised with a lot of Muggle influence. Like m-music and books. I mean, I-I read a lot of magical b-books and-saw magic being done and learned a bit growing up but it-it was pretty even st-stevens so to speak."

"I wonder what it's like... for the... errr... the ones with all magical family."

"Purebloods," he said and she shrugged. "Dunno. You c-could ask Potter or Black, th-they're both completely pureblood."

"So's Twycross but we don't really talk that much," sighed Evans. "She's a little snobby if you ask me. Black seems that way too, and Potter's just got the biggest ego I've ever seen. Ooh! You missed Flying on Tuesday. He was showing off so much that Hooch had to kick him out of class but then he just strode around with that group that gathers and talked to them about different sort of flying techniques and then one of them lent him their broom so he just went right back to showing off, but Hooch couldn't do anything since he wasn't near us and I guess there's no rule saying first years can't ride brooms lent to him from an older student. If there's a rule saying we can't have our own brooms there should be a rule saying we can't borrow brooms."

Suddenly Evans stopped. "Are you really friends with them?"

Remus stopped as well, feeling his heart leaping up into his throat. His immediate inner response was yes, I hope I am. "N-not really, just play c-cards with them."

"I thought you were."

"Hmm-mm. I th-think they just s-sometimes like a fourth p-person around."

"Well, don't you like them?"

"Er. I-I mean I'm j-just more of a... a..." He searched for the right term that wasn't 'lone wolf' because no way would he ever use that one about himself. "You know, I'm not-not good with... people. I prefer being by-by myself. I d-don't really... need... them."

Evans nodded and they continued walking, turning a corner and then hesitating since Black and Potter were right there, Black leaning against the wall while Potter was twirling his wand. They both just looked at Remus and he realized they had been there that entire time and heard what he said. About them not being friends. About him preferring to be by himself. Not needing them.

Well, I suppose that solves that, he thought as Potter turned on his heels and walked off. Black gave Remus a rather injured look then followed Potter down the corridor.

"Ohhh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't know they were right there! They looked a bit mad. Maybe they did want you around as more than just a fourth person...? What were they even doing just waiting around?" She continued talking but the words just went in one ear and out the other as guilt ate away at him.

It's for the best, he told himself as they started towards lunch once more. I can't have friends... and you wouldn't want to be friends with me anyway.

()

Despite his conviction, Remus felt miserable as the day wore on. He avoided the Great Hall for lunch and instead ate in the kitchens, and during Potions he felt Black continually looking at him (they had to work on Potions alone and his turned into a horrible gelatinous mess that belched acidic green smoke and earned him a D from Slughorn, and laughter from the Slytherins). After Potions he spent the rest of the afternoon alone in the library. At supper, Black was watching him again. Remus kept his head low, trying to ignore the squirmy illness in his stomach. He wanted so bad to go over and apologize, to say it wasn't what they thought he meant, to try and fix things-but he knew he couldn't.

He considered writing a letter to his parents for some advice but what would he say? Dear Mum and Dad, some boys I've been hanging out with overheard me saying I don't want friends and now they're mad what should I do? He already knew the response. It'd be reassurance to what he already knew, and nothing to help the horrible feeling inside of him. Probably also a lecture on why is this even a problem if they're mad at you? He could see his father frowning and his mother fretting.

After study group he spent as much time in the common room as he could, putting off going to the dorm as long as possible. Finally he was too tired and took his things upstairs. Potter, Black, and Pettigrew were on the floor playing card games while Spinnet and Struthers were playing chess on Spinnet's bed. All five glanced up when he came in but only Black kept his eyes on him as he gathered things for a shower. Remus kept silent, the only real sound being the radio playing. Almost as soon as he left the dorm he heard talking.

"You lot fighting or something?" Struthers asked.

"I'm not fighting with anyone," Potter replied coolly.

Remus waited around but nobody continued the discussion so he went to get his shower. When he returned he waited in case they were talking again which they weren't so he went in. Nobody spoke to him as he put his stuff away and climbed into bed. Not even a goodnight. He closed his curtains and curled up, covering his head with his pillow to try and block the sound of the radio out, and trying not to cry.

()

Remus had nightmares all night though none of them really woke him up. It was just him wandering around the dark corridors of the school hearing people whispering about him. Mental, that one. Escaped from Saint Mungo's. He also kept hearing Black, Potter, and Pettigrew saying We should be friends and his mother screaming NO! NO! NO FRIENDS! IT'S NOT SAFE!

When Remus woke up in the morning his cheeks were damp. He quickly wiped his face off and went to get dressed for the day. Which turned out to be a lot like the day before: loneliness, misery, wishing he could apologize, knowing he couldn't, and lots of feeling Black's eye on him. At breakfast he got a letter from his mother which didn't help anything, it was mostly full of her reminding him to be safe. Also included were a dozen homemade cookies. Peanut butter this time.

After curfew-after a very long day-Remus sat in the common room reading one of his for-fun books when Black actually came over to him. Remus glanced over the book as Black stood there, hands in his pockets.

"Wanna come play cards?" he asked, not even looking at Remus but instead a fixed point about three feet above Remus's head.

Yes. He clutched at the book, logic and yearning battling back and forth. Nothing wrong with that! his heart told him. You know you can't! his brain reminded him. "N-no..."

Black just nodded as if he expected as much. "All right, maybe later then." He turned and walked off, school robes billowing behind him.

Remus watched him go over to Potter and Pettigrew. "I told you he'd say no," Potter whispered.

"Doesn't hurt to ask," Black replied rather haughtily.

"I don't understand what's happened," Pettigrew complained.

"I told you, Lupin doesn't want any friends, that's what happened, says he prefers being alone to hanging out with us," Potter said, angrily dealing out cards. "He's stuck up. Mental, and stuck up."

Remus buried his nose back in his book, cheeks burning with indignation.

"I don't think he's either," Black said and Remus raised his eyebrows but kept his face behind his book.

"That's cause you're mental too," Potter joked and Black began laughing.

"I try my best. Now come on, finish dealing, let's play."

()

On Saturday the castle was abuzz with excitement as the older students had their first Hogsmeade visit. The third years seemed especially excited, as this would be their first. At breakfast it's all Remus could hear about... even from a few seats down where Black and Potter sat, talking about how it was unfair first years couldn't go and trying to figure out how to sneak in with the crowd. Their plan was thwarted by the fact Filch was standing in the entrance hall checking names off and when he spotted the two kids trying to mingle in he shouted at them until they ran off. Remus was sitting on the steps to the first floor, watching with interest. Finally though the entrance hall emptied and all the students who were leaving were gone.

Remus got up and headed to the library, planning on spending his day there. He only got up the rest of the steps when footsteps came running behind him.

"Oi, Lupin!" It was Black again, a smile on his face. Behind him Potter was scowling. "Want to come with us? We're going to go booby trap the third year boys' dorm since they're all gone. It'll be so much fun." Remus teetered on the thin line between heart and brain, and then slowly shook his head which garnered a snort from Potter. Black kept smiling though it was a bit stiffer now. "All right, maybe another time, eh? 'Scuze us." He hurried past Remus, followed closely by Potter.

"You need to stop," Potter whispered when he thought they were far enough down the hall. "He's never gonna say yes again." Black didn't reply, at least not in Remus's hearing.

Why is he continuing trying, especially with Potter not wanting him to? Remus wondered as he started up on his journey to the library again. It makes no sense whatsoever. If he heard someone saying they didn't want friends he wouldn't keep pursuing... course he wasn't sure how he'd feel as a normal human... then again Potter seemed adamant about not pursuing the friendship...

Remus shook his head, trying to get rid of the confusion, and then went into the library for a morning and afternoon of nothing but books and quietness... and loneliness.