Professor Dumbledore smiled benignly at Remus, as if trying to reassure him everything was fine. But everything was not fine. "Wh-what about my-my father?" Remus asked, trembling with fear. If anything bad had happened he suspected Dumbledore wouldn't be smiling like that, so it wasn't like that.

"Would it be all right if I looked into your memories?" Dumbledore asked.

"Isn't th-that what th-these lessons are about?" Remus couldn't help but quip back. "Fighting that?"

"Yes," chuckled the headmaster, "however I do wish to see for myself what Mythana has told me about. Think about Christmas."

Christmas? Remus shifted his weight and then thought back to the holidays. Dumbledore slid easily into his head merely by eye contact. Once those icy blue eyes locked onto Remus, he found Christmas drifting through his head. Reading by the fireplace, opening presents, baking cookies...

Then they were in his living room, with Professor McGonagall. Remus watched himself fetch the container of cookies. He saw McGonagall's look of surprise, and then her smile as she touched his shoulder. Beyond them, Lyall stood there looking furious. A look that disappeared when McGonagall turned to say goodbye.

Once she was gone and Remus tried to return to his room, he watched as his father pulled back his hand to slap Remus. "You're not supposed to be so-so-casual with people!" he hissed then grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking him. "You understand?!"

"I'm s-s-s-sorry! She-sh-she knows-so-"

"I don't care! It. Isn't. Safe. Say it!"

Remus was then yanked out of the memory as Dumbledore broke contact. He fell back against the couch, breathing hard, head pounding since he had automatically tried fighting, but Dumbledore was definitely stronger than Fawley.

"You saw it?" Fawley asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore answered, then bent in to Remus. "Has your father ever done that before?"

Remus clutched his head as the pain grew worse. "Done wh-what?"

"Hit you."

That's what this is about? Remus looked at him, then Fawley, then back at Dumbledore. "Why?"

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows high. "Answer the question, Remus."

It wasn't a request, it was a command. But Remus didn't want to answer. He didn't like this. He was tired and in pain, and couldn't understand why they seemed so-so-upset about the whole thing. "What about m-my Occlumency l-lesson?"

"Remus, please," whispered Fawley, reaching out for him. He drew away from her, and her hand fell to her lap.

"What d-does it matter?" Remus scooted even farther back, into the corner of the couch, not far enough. He wanted to run from the room. He felt sick and wormy and hot and wanted to cry and scream, and he didn't even know why. "D-Dad's just worried about me, that's all."

"Has he ever hit you before?" Dumbledore asked again.

"No," Remus lied.

"You said-" Fawley started, but Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"Remus, please. You're not in any trouble."

Yes I am, he thought. I am because neither of you understand! He didn't know what to say. He thought if he told the truth, something bad would happen. Would they try talking to his father? That would just make his father feel bad, and he didn't want that. His dad never really meant anything by it. Just to reinforce lessons that Remus needed to know. Like what happened at Christmas, being so casual like that, he had forgotten, and now he wouldn't again. He knew for a fact many people spanked their kids (at least in books they did, sometimes). If that was all right, there was no difference, was there? It was all the same, just discipline.

"Remus," Dumbledore said again, since he had been so quiet for so long. "Do you understand why we are asking this?" He spoke as if he were talking to a very young child, not a first year, almost twelve.

"Yes," Remus said, rubbing his forehead. "B-but you're wrong, if you th-think it's... anything bad. It isn't!" he added swiftly as Dumbledore opened his mouth. "I'm n-not stupid, I know what you're t-talking about, and it's not like that at all."

"Do you feel safe with your parents?" Fawley asked rather bluntly.

Remus glared at her, though she couldn't see it. "Of-of course I d-I do! Sss-safer with them than anywh-where else! They love me! You even t-told me at our f-first lesson that you were-glad at how su-supportive my parents are!"

"I did," Fawley agreed, not sounding convinced. "Don't misunderstand my concern. I am glad they have done for you all of that they've done... but it doesn't change the fact that hitting a child is wrong."

But I'm not even a proper child, I'm a monster, even if my father were hurting me it wouldn't be child abuse.

Then Remus thought back to the beginning of the year, when Dumbledore said an empty hole in the ground would be like child abuse. He began to feel very hot again, and his nose grew itchy.

"My f-f-father hasn't done anything wrong," he said firmly.

Fawley kept her face impassive while Dumbledore gave a little sigh. "Thank you for being honest with me, Remus. Do you mind going out into the hallway for a moment while Mythana and I talk?"

Remus left, though didn't shut the door all the way. It was almost completely closed, not quite, and he pressed his ear against the thin crack, trying to hear through the muffling spell. Their voices were low, hard to hear but he managed to make out most of what they were saying.

"...unable to do much..." Dumbledore murmured.

"...hitting him... n't safe for him..." Fawley replied icily.

"I understand... can we do about it?... can't go to the Ministry..." Remus stiffened and then sank to his knees, heart pounding hard at the mere mention of that place. Dumbledore continued speaking. "...being, he seems to be all right; I'll keep a close..."

"...something we can do?"

"...evidence that it's any worse... be an uncommon occurrence-"

"Once is enough," Fawley interrupted.

"...delicate situation, with a werewolf... willing to say so, there's nothing... safe enough for now... nion his parents do love... stress of the..."

"Of all people I would know the stress... ving with a werewolf... "

"...fraid for his safety, that's all... means well... n't push him about it... lessons..."

Their voices faded a little then suddenly there were footsteps right by the door. Remus jumped back, going a little pink as Dumbledore opened the door. "How much of that did you hear?" he asked, smiling wryly.

Remus went pinker. "N-not much."

"I see. I hope you have a good evening, Mr. Lupin." Dumbledore swept off, disappearing around the corner.

Remus watched him go then crept back into the classroom. Fawley was clutching her cane, lips pressed tightly together. "Are we-we having th-the lesson, ma'am?"

"I don't think I'm up for it tonight, Remus."

"Oh."

Fawley reached out again and found Remus, putting her hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry for upsetting you. I know you love your parents very much, and I'm not trying to say they don't love you. I just think your father took things too far. If he ever does that to you again, I want you to know you can write to me, all right? Even if just to talk about it."

"You can't see my letter though," Remus blurted out, then immediately regretted it.

Fawley smiled. "I use a spell to make letters audible. Very handy. And if you ever feel unsafe, write to me. Or Albus. Or anyone you can."

Remus wanted to argue with her, protest that he'd never feel unsafe with his parents. "Okay," he just said, wanting to make her happy. To stop this ridiculous conversation.

Fawley gave his shoulders another squeeze then reached for her cane, getting up. "We'll return to our lessons next week, all right?"

"All right."

"Um-Ms. Fawley?"

She turned around, empty eyes on him. "Yes?"

"How-how c-come you didn't say anything a couple weeks ago? About all this? It's b-been a month since you s-saw that memory..."

"By the time I talked to Albus, and had him come talk to you, it would be closer to the full moon. I know when you're distressed it makes your transformations worse, so I wanted to give you a few weeks to settle and calm down."

He watched her go then fell back against the couch, putting his hands against his face. He felt terrified. What if Fawley decided to do something? What if she went to his dad? If anything upset his parents about school, they'd take him out in a heart beat and he didn't want to leave school. What do I do? Dad didn't do anything wrong, he'd never purposely hurt me! He loves me! Mum loves me! They've sacrificed everything for me! How do I fix this?!

He curled up on the couch, burying his face into the purple cushion, and cried.

()

Remus had a violent nightmare, of the Ministry investigating, finding out the truth, and sending in the Werewolf Capture Unit. He woke up just as they dragged him off, screaming and spluttering out pleas for his life. He was on the floor now, in a room he didn't really recognize-no, it was the fourth floor classroom. He had fallen asleep on the couch after crying for a while.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes and looking around, wondering what time it was. Late, that's all he knew. He grabbed his bag, tiptoeing out into the corridors, keeping his senses on high alert as he made his way back to the Gryffindor tower. He barely ran into anyone which told him it was a lot later than he thought. Thanks to his hearing and other wolfy abilities, he managed to avoid the prefects and teachers. Finally he got to the tower, whispered the password, and slithered in.

The common room was mostly empty. A few students looked his way when he came in but nobody said anything, or complained. The clock on the wall said it was nearly ten pm.

Remus went to his dorm. Spinnet, Struthers, and Peter all seemed to be asleep already but Sirius and James were awake, sitting on James's bed, looking at magazines. They grinned when they saw him and rushed over.

"You're back!" Sirius whispered happily. "Your mum's doing better then?"

"Yes... she was doing better yesterday, but I thought I should stay a little longer just in case," Remus said, thinking that would probably help keep them off track.

"You're usually back in the day though," Sirius said, raising his eyebrows.

"Mum-wanted a big family dinner tonight, so I stayed, to make her happy, since we didn't have any classes this afternoon," he said. Both boys nodded, accepting this lie. "Did I miss anything?"

Sirius handed over copies of his notes from the classes Remus missed (they were haphazard, incoherent, and mostly just doodles). Also apparently he missed a big fight between James and Snape on Sunday, resulting in both houses losing ten points and both boys getting several nights of detention.

"All I did was try to wash his greasy hair," James complained as Remus gathered stuff for a shower. "Couldn't really figure out a good soap spell so dumped a bucket of water and soap over him a la levitation. Snivellus didn't take too kindly to that. Guess he likes being dirty and gross."

"You can only teach vermin so much," said Sirius, and James nodded.

()

Remus had a lot of nightmares that night though none that caused screaming. He kept seeing his father being dragged away, leaving him and his mother alone. He tossed and turned, waking up crying at one point. He's done nothing wrong! He was still shaken up in the morning and Sirius commented that Remus still looked really peaky. Remus just shrugged, not answering. He wanted to write to Fawley, to beg her to let this drop. He thought Dumbledore wasn't pursuing it-as far as he could tell from what he heard...

Lily was ecstatic Remus was back and asked him to sit with her at breakfast which he did. Apparently him disappearing Saturday after their discussion had made her worried he hadn't forgiven her. "They wouldn't even tell me why you were gone," she added, glaring at his friends. "I was worried you were ill and went to the hospital wing, but Pomfrey wouldn't tell me anything either-"

"My mum again."

"I'm so sorry. Is she feeling better? That's good." She shared with him her notes and he copied them all down between bites, thanking her profusely for her help, both of them giggling over Sirius's frustrating notes though Lily admitted he was a pretty talented artist, when Remus showed her one of the papers. "Hard to imagine someone as unlikable as that doing something as pretty as this," she said, trailing her finger down Sirius's drawing of the Devil's Snare. "I guess everyone's good for something. Wonder what Potter-s-sorry, I'll stop," she said quickly.

Remus smiled, feeling very pleased that she was stopping herself from further insulting his friends. "He's really g-good at Quidditch, you've g-got to give him that," he pointed out.

"I suppose."

After some more talking, Remus also found out he had missed Lily's birthday over the weekend, and he felt awful. He wasn't sure what to do since he didn't have anything to give her-nothing as nice as homemade cookies, but in the afternoon after Defense was over he went to the kitchens and asked for a small single serving cake. He wanted to make it himself but the elves naturally refused to let him touch anything, and after half an hour he was given the cake. He thanked the elves (making them squeak and stutter and wring their tea towel uniforms) and then went to find Lily. She was in the library, so he had to sneak the cake in, but her face lit up when he set it in front of her. She begged him to share until he relented and broke off a small corner, making sure Lily had most of it.

Farrow came sniffing around, and Remus jammed the little pan into his robes pocket quickly, opening up a book, the two of them a picture of innocence when Farrow came out of the aisles. He eyed them both angrily then stormed off; Remus and Lily dissolved into quiet giggles.

()

During the first few days of February, Remus waited for news from his parents. When Arthur brought a letter on Friday, Remus's heart leapt into his throat as he carefully untied it. It was a standard letter from his mother. Loads of I-miss-yous, I-love-yous, be-safes, and a couple you-are-coming-home-for-the-holidays-right? Nothing about Fawley, nothing about his father being accused of anything unfairly. He breathed out, shoulders sagging with relief.

Beside him, James mistook the reaction for something awful and asked if it was his mother again. Remus quickly folded the letter up. "Y-yes," he lied. "Her few days better were a false alarm, she's-feeling sick again."

"Are you going to go see her this weekend too?" Peter asked, mouth a round O.

"I d-don't know..." That'd be a good idea, stay in his little hospital room overnight. That would definitely throw them off the trail. "I'll th-think about it after classes. Er, what's wrong?"

He noticed James and Sirius looking a tad disappointed. "Nothing," they both said.

"Obviously something."

"We were hoping to work on the door charm again," James said quietly. "But we can whenever you come back."

"Plus it sucks without you around," Sirius added. The other boys nodded in agreement.

Remus sat ramrod straight, mouth hanging a little open. "You-m-miss me...? When I'm gone?" He couldn't really believe what he just heard, wasn't sure if he heard right.

All three of them looked quite astounded. "Duh!" James said.

"Of course we do!" Sirius said.

"Why wouldn't we?" finished Peter.

"Don't get us wrong." Sirius's hand reached out, not quite touching Remus's arm. "We're not trying to sound like we don't like you going visiting your sick mum-that's not at all what we meant."

"Yeah, we know that's important," Peter said, nodding.

"But we like it when you're here," James said. Remus tried to keep himself from blushing and failed. "Wait. Did you really think we didn't?"

"I g-guess I hadn't th-thought of it," Remus admitted. "I'm not... much... at all... so I guess I just... didn't think..." He couldn't finish that sentence, he couldn't believe they missed him. They said they did before but he always thought it was just something to say. He didn't think they actually properly missed him, that they thought things were better when he was there.

"Don't you miss us?" Peter asked. "OW! James, why'dja kick me?"

"He's got a lot more things on his mind when he's gone than we do, dummy!" Sirius snapped, and Peter looked guilty.

"S-s-sorry!"

Remus smiled at Peter. "It's okay, and-and I do. Miss you guys." He meant it, which was scarier to him than anything else.

James and Peter seemed happy while Sirius had a strange, distant expression. It wasn't until after breakfast, when they were on their way to class, that Remus found out why. Sirius walked a little slower than James and Peter, and tugged at Remus's sleeve until he met Sirius's pace. "What did you mean earlier when you said you're not much?"

Remus furrowed his brow. "I'm n-not sure I understand your question?"

"You said you 'weren't much at all', when you seemed surprised we missed you." Sirius stuck his hands in his pockets, gazing intently at Remus, his silver eyes burning into the smaller boy. "We are friends, aren't we?"

"Yes-I just... I'm-you're not..." Remus stammered and struggled with trying to find the right words to explain. He thought 'not much' was the perfect description, so he wasn't sure how to expand on that. "I'm n-not very important at all so just... I f-figured you had-j-just as much fun without me..."

"We aren't just friends with you when we can see you," said Sirius, cracking an amused smile. "We may have short attention spans, but it isn't that bad." Remus snorted. "And you're-more than 'not much', you're important! I don't even know where you got that idea from-well... actually... I think I know why." Remus stopped in his tracks, and Sirius stopped as well, turning towards him. anxious. "It's because you haven't had friends before... yeah? Isn't it? You're not... used to this? Is that why you were so surprised? And think you're not-important?" He sounded a little strained, as if this were a difficult topic for him.

Remus looked down at the floor, annoyed at how accurate Sirius was, how he saw right through him. It also made him nervous, that he might see more than just that. It isn't that big of a stretch of mind though, he reminded himself, trying to reassure himself it was a logical conclusion.

"I... guess so," muttered Remus, embarrassed.

Ahead of them James and Peter finally noticed they were by themselves so they stopped, looking back expectantly at Sirius and Remus. Sirius put his arm around Remus's shoulders, guiding him forward. "That's okay if you're still getting used to things. Like, what you told me the other day. Still not used to all this. Sometimes I forget this is all new to you. Honestly, still surprises me you lot like me, too, you know. And, well, I am glad we're friends. I hope you are too."

"I-I am..."

"Good." Sirius let go of him then messed up Remus's hair. "Let's go!" He picked up his pace and Remus tried to smooth down his hair as he hurried after the others.

He knew Sirius's words were supposed to ease his fears but they didn't quite. Remus still felt unsure, and scared; he knew he walked a thin line between them liking him and hating him. How long till his nightmares annoyed Sirius? How long till his odd behavior rubbed James the wrong way? How long till his inability to speak like a normal human pushed Peter away? There was a glass wall that would always be there until either he or one of the others broke it, and everything was ruined.

But... at least they didn't hate him right now (so it seemed) and that was enough for the time being. Until the inevitable happened.