39
BPOV
I was so cold. Why was I so cold? I felt like I had been laying in a bucket of ice cold water. I could feel my body shivering under the warm blankets that laid on top of me. I groaned and tried to roll from my back to my side but I realized that I wasn't in my bed. I snapped my eyes open and looked around. I was laying in a hospital bed. Carlisle was sitting in a chair in the corner with his head back against the wall behind him. Emmett was sitting to my right. He had his big hand surrounding my pale, thin hand. Edward was sitting to my left. He had his head on the side of my bed as he ran his fingers over my wedding rings. I pulled my hands out of theirs and they both looked up at me and sighed in relief.
"What's going on?" I asked. "How did I end up in the hospital?"
"We found you laying out in the fucking rain at Charlie's grave," snapped Emmett as he stood up. "What the fuck were you thinking going out with out a coat or shoes on, Bella?"
"Emmett, calm down," said Carlisle as he came over to stand next to him. "It's not going to help anyone if we get upset."
"Like staying calm is going to help," grumbled Edward. I rolled my eyes and turned onto my side. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his temper tantrum. I had enough shit to deal with right now. "Don't do this, Bella."
"Do what, Edward?" I asked, harshly. "I'm not allowed to go visit my dead father. Is that against your fucking rules?"
"That's not what I am talking about and you know it," snapped Edward.
"Edward, stop this," said Carlisle.
"No," said Edward. He turned me to face him. "You made me promise not to stop living if something happens to you and you promised to never give up in return. You promised me, damn it!"
"I can't do it anymore," I cried. His face softened as my tears fell down my face. "I'm so tired, Edward. I feel like all I do is go to chemo and throw up. I pray every fucking night that I will get better. It's so hard to stay positive all the time. My entire body hurts. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to go back to being normal. Please, just let me go back to being a normal girl."
"Baby, you can't go back to being that Bella," he whispered as he pulled me into his arms and held me while I sobbed into his chest. "I wish I could take the cancer away. I wish that you and I could do all the things that normal eighteen years old do but we can't. You have to go to chemo. You have to keep fighting. Please, don't stop fighting."
"I can't do it anymore, Edward," I whispered. "I can't psychically do it anymore. Look at me, Edward. I'm wasting away. I can barely eat enough to be healthy. Even with the extra vitamins, I'm losing weight. I just…I'm so tired."
"What if we went a different route?" asked Carlisle. I looked over at him.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"I think we should try a bone marrow transplant," he said. I pulled away from Edward.
"What are you talking about?" I asked again. "It would be hard to find a match."
"Emmett would be a match because you and he are twins," said Carlisle. "I had hoped to avoid doing one but I think we need to."
"What would I have to do?" asked Emmett.
"Well, if your marrow is clean, no infections or anything that could make her sicker, then we would take some bone marrow from you and give it to her," said Carlisle.
"I'll do it," said Emmett.
"No," I said. All three of them looked down at me. "I won't do it."
"Bella-" started Emmett.
"NO," I screamed as I tried to climb out of the bed.
"You're not going anywhere until we talk this through," said Carlisle, pushing me back into the bed.
"I want to go home," I said.
"Why did you say no?" asked Carlisle, ignoring me.
"I won't let him go through that," I said.
"Bella, come on," said Emmett. "This is could be your only chance."
"No," I said. "Emmett, do you know how they remove your marrow?"
"No," he said.
"They fucking put you under while they inserted a needle into your hip bone. Then they suck out your marrow. It's too risky. I won't let you do it," I said. Carlisle was looking at me with a raised eyebrow. "What?"
"Nothing," he said. "It just amazes me what you know. The risks to Emmett are minimal."
"I don't care," I said as a tear fell down my face. "I won't put my brother's heath at risk just so I live a few fucking months longer."
"You are such a stubborn little bitch sometimes," snapped Emmett. "God forbid you should let someone else fucking suffer just a little bit to help you."
"I'm a bitch?" I snapped. "Well, I'm so fucking sorry, Emmett, for thinking about someone other than myself. Gee, I'm so selfish, right? I have done nothing but try to help the rest of you fuckers deal with my death. Do you think I like watching you fucking cry? I hate it, Em. You're my big brother. You're not supposed to have to watch me die."
"Bella, it's not your job to take care of us," said Emmett as he sat on the side of my bed. "You can let us take care of you now. You have to me let me do this."
"No," I whispered. "I love you, Em, but I won't do it. I won't let you put yourself at risk because of me."
"There is no risk to Emmett, Bella," said Carlisle. I went to protest but he held up his hand to stop me. "No, just listen to me. I will be able to check his marrow by doing a blood test. If he can donate, then the procedure is fairly harmless. His hip will be sore, like he fell hard. I will keep him in the hospital for about a week to make sure he doesn't get an infection."
"Yeah, cause it's really that simple, right?" I asked. "You haven't told them the rest, Carlisle."
"What is she talking about, Dad?" asked Edward. Carlisle chuckled and shook his head.
"You really are too smart for your own good," muttered Carlisle.
"Trust me, I know," I whispered. He sighed and looked over at Emmett and Edward.
"While the procedure for Emmett is relatively risk free," said Carlisle, giving me a look. I just rolled my eyes. "It's risky for Bella."
"What do you mean by risky, Dad?" asked Edward.
"In order for her body to accept the new, healthy marrow, I would increase the level of chemo she is receiving now. It's called conditioning. She would get at least twice as much as she is getting now and I would give it to her everyday. This helps rid her body of the bad marrow. Then once we do that, we transplant the new marrow. The two to four weeks immediately following the transplant are the most critical. The high-dose chemo given to the Bella during conditioning will have destroyed the her bone marrow, crippling her body's immune system. As she waits for the transplanted bone marrow to migrate to the cavities of the large bones, or engraft, and begin producing normal blood cells, she will be very susceptible to infection and excessive bleeding. Multiple antibiotics and blood transfusions will be administered to her to help prevent and fight infection. Transfusions of platelets will be given to prevent bleeding. She will receive additional medications to prevent and control graft-versus-host disease," explained Carlisle.
"Don't stop there," I said. "Might as well tell them the rest."
"You really are a stubborn little bitch sometimes," he muttered. He sighed again. "Fine. Because of the risk of infections, extraordinary precautions will be taken to minimize her exposure to viruses and bacteria. Visitors and hospital personnel will wash their hands with antiseptic soap and wear protective gowns, gloves and masks while in the her room. When leaving the room, Bella will wear mask, gown and gloves to protect her against bacteria and virus, and to reminder to others that she is susceptible to infection. Blood samples will be taken daily to determine whether or not engraftment has occurred and to monitor organ function. When the transplanted bone marrow finally engrafts and begins producing normal blood cells, she will gradually be taken off the antibiotics. Blood and platelet transfusions will generally no longer be required. once the bone marrow is producing a sufficient number of healthy red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets. She will be discharged from the hospital, provided no other complications have developed. She will more than likely spend four to eight weeks in the hospital."
"Do I get to stay with her?" asked Edward.
"No," said Carlisle. Edward closed his eyes and sighed.
"It doesn't matter because I'm not doing the transplant," I said.
"Yes, you are," said Edward. I cocked an eyebrow at him. "I won't let you use me as your excuse not to do it."
"I'm not doing it," I said. "Not only do I have to go through an entirely new level of hell, but once I go home, I will be restricted to the house and the hospital for the next few months. I will miss out on everything."
"So you will risk dying so you don't miss school?" asked Carlisle. "That makes no sense."
"To you it doesn't," I snapped. "You're not the one missing everything."
"Hey, I've been there, remember?" snapped Carlisle.
"YOU FUCKING SURVIVED," I screamed. "I WON'T. IT'LL KILL ME!"
"You think I don't know exactly what you are feeling?" asked Carlisle. "I went through this stage too, Bella. You're grieving over your life. I get that but you can't give up just because you are scared."
"I'm not scared," I snapped. "I'm fucking tired of being the freak, Carlisle. Do you think I don't see how everyone looks at me? Including all of you. I'm tired of people pitying me because they feel sorry for me."
"We don't pity you," said Emmett. I rolled my eyes.
"That's bullshit and you know it," I said. "I'm done talking about this. I'm not doing it so it doesn't matter. Now, I want to go home."
"Bella, please, just think about it, ok?" asked Carlisle. I shook my head softly.
"There's nothing to think about," I said. "I want to go home."
"Ok," sighed Carlisle. "You can leave as soon as you are dressed. Call if you need anything."
"Did you give me my treatment while I was asleep?" I asked.
"Yes," he said. "I didn't want you to miss it."
"God forbid, I go one time without throwing up," I muttered.
Carlisle just sighed before he and Emmett hugged me. I tried to hug them back but honestly, I wasn't in the mood to hug anyone. They left and Edward tossed a bag on the bed and followed them out into the hall. I could tell he was pissed off. I hated that it was my fault but he just didn't understand. I slid off the bed and changed into the yoga pants and t-shirt. His t-shirt. I let a few tears fall a I held it up to my nose. I could smell him all over it. That didn't help my guilt at all. I put on my tennis shoes and coat and went out into the hallway. Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward were huddled together talking. I cleared my throat and they all looked up at me.
"I'm ready," I said.
"Ok," said Carlisle. Edward came over and slipped on a pink beanie on to my head before he leaned down and kissed me.
"You know, I love you, right?" he whispered. "I know you are scared but I will never stop loving you."
"I know," I whispered as a tear fell from my eye. "I love you, too, Edward. I just wish I was stronger."
"You're stronger than you think you are," he whispered. "Let's get you home."
I just nodded my head and ignored the looks from Carlisle and Emmett. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist and we followed them over to the elevator. I laid my head on his chest while we rode it down to the lobby. We followed Emmett and Carlisle out to Emmett's jeep. Carlisle hugged us both before I climbed into the backseat with Edward.
Emmett didn't say anything as he climbed into the drivers seat and drove us back to home. He pulled his jeep up in front of his house. Edward and I climbed out of the jeep. I wrapped my arms around Emmett.
"Don't hate me, Em," I whispered. "I've really tried. I just…please don't hate me."
"B, I could never hate you," cried Emmett. "Just…just think about the transplant, ok?"
"Ok," I whispered.
Emmett kissed my forehead before Edward and I made our way across the street to our house. I went in and laid down on the bed and let my tears fall freely. Edward wrapped his arms around me and just held me. We spent the rest of the night moving from the bed to the bathroom. I was so tired of this. I felt guilty for hurting my family but I didn't know how to go on.