40

I woke up the next morning before Edward did. I had barely managed to get a few hours of sleep between my multiple trips to the bathroom to throw my life away. I slid out of our bed and wandered into the bathroom. I turned on the water and stripped off my clothes. I stepped under the water and let it run over my body. I wish it was as easy to wash the cancer away as it is to wash the grime off my body but it isn't.

I quickly finished my shower and dried off. I stood in front of the mirror for a moment and looked at my body. I used to have a nice body but now I look like a circus freak. I had lost so much weight that my collar bones stuck out slightly. My skin was pale and ashy looking. My eyes were dull and dead looking. I just shook my head and blinked back my tears as I wrapped the towel around my body and went back into our room. Edward was sitting on the side of the bed with his head in his hands. He looked up at me and I saw the tears in his green eyes.

I felt my heart break because I knew it was my fault that he was hurting right now. I just turned away and went into the closet and pulled on my jeans and a t-shirt. I came back out into our room but Edward was gone. I heard the shower turn on and sighed before I went out into the living room. I curled up on the couch while I waited for Edward and tried to fight the urge to throw up again but I lost that battle.

I ran into the kitchen and bent over the kitchen sink. I heard Edward come running from our room and start rubbing my back for me. Once I was done, I rinsed my mouth out and looked up at him.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked.

"A little bit," he said softly. "I just…."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I don't know what to do right now. I'm just so tired."

"I just don't want you to die, Bella," he whispered through his tears. "You are giving up on me and I don't know what to do."

"I know," I whispered. "I don't know what to do either. It's just not that easy anymore."

"Are you coming to school?" he asked.

"Yeah," I whispered. "It's better than sitting around here, I guess."

"Ok," he whispered. "I'll be ready in a minute."

"Ok," I whispered.

Edward kissed my forehead before he turned and went back into our room. I grabbed a bottle of water and some crackers and tossed them into my backpack. Edward came back out and we pulled on our coats and headed out to the car.

A few minutes later, we pulled into the parking lot. I climbed out and grabbed my backpack from the backseat. Edward grabbed my hand as we walked into the school. I groaned inwardly when I saw everyone waiting for us by my locker. I could tell by the looks on all of their faces that Emmett had told them about the transplant.

"I'm not doing it so you might as well all save your breath," I said as I let go of Edward's hand and walked past them. I stopped and looked back at him. "I honestly don't give a shit if you like it or not."

I turned and walked down to my first period class. I took my seat in the back and stared out the window as everyone came in. Rose and Alice didn't say anything as they took their seats next to me. I could tell they were mad and I guess I understood why they felt the way they did. Mr. Owens came in and smiled when he saw me.

"Welcome back, Bella," he said cheerfully. "Congratulations on your win."

"Thanks," I muttered. His smile fell from his face.

"What was New York like?" he asked softly.

"Cold," I said.

"Did you have fun at least?" he asked.

"Sometimes," I whispered softly as I turned back to the window.

He sighed so softly I barely heard it and started his class. I didn't bother paying attention to him. I didn't even bother writing in my music book. What was the point anymore? The bell rang and I grabbed my backpack and walked out without waiting for Rose and Alice. I was almost to our trig class when I felt my stomach turn. I dropped my bag in the hall and ran to the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I started throwing up the water and crackers I had been nibbling on.

"It's ok, Bella," said Lauren as she came in after me. She got a cold towel and started rinsing off my face.

"It's not ok," I muttered. I turned and sat down. "How did your father do it?"

"I don't know," she said. "He was sick for nearly three years. Sometimes, I would hear him crying in my parent's room. I wanted to help him but I was too little to do anything."

"What kind of cancer did he have?" I asked.

"He had Acute Myelogenous Leukemia," she said. "He was diagnosed when I was seven years old. He started chemo immediately and had to go through several rounds before his doctor suggested he get a bone marrow transplant."

"He got a transplant?" I asked as I snapped my head up at her.

"Yes," she said. I stood up.

"I need to talk to him," I said urgently.

"What's the matter?" she asked as she stood up.

"I just need to talk to him," I said through my tears. "Can you take me to see him?"

"Ok," she said. "Let's go."

Lauren and I walked out of the bathroom together. Rose and Alice standing next to Emmett, Jasper, and Edward. I paused for a moment and opened my mouth to tell them where I was going but then I stopped. I didn't want to get their hopes up. I turned and pulled on Lauren's arm. We walked in the opposite directions of our class. I heard Edward yell at me to stop but I started running down the hall. Lauren ran out with me and we went over to her car.

We climbed in and she pulled out of the parking lot. I looked back to see Edward, Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Alice come running out of the school. I turned back around and wiped the tears off my face. Lauren didn't ask what was wrong as she drove me through Forks and down to the law office of Blake Mallory.

She parked the car and I practically jumped out. She climbed out and we made our way into the office. She stopped at the front desk and told them we were here to see her father. We took a seat in the waiting room. A few minutes later, Blake Mallory came out of his office. He was a tall man with short blond hair and blue eyes.

"Lauren, why aren't you at school?" he asked.

"Dad, Bella needs to talk to you," said Lauren. Blake looked over at me. He must have seen how desperate I was.

"Come on in, girls," he said softly.

"Can I talk to you alone?" I whispered.

"Ok," he said.

I followed him into the large office and looked around. He had a lot of pictures of Lauren and Erin, his wife hanging on the wall and sitting on his bookcases and desk. He motioned for me to take seat so I did. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried to stop my tears from falling.

"What can I do for you, Bella?" he asked. "Do you need legal advice?"

"No," I said through my tears. "I need to talk to you about your bone marrow transplant."

"Oh," he said as he sat back in his seat. "I'm guessing Lauren told you."

"Yeah, she's really helped me a lot while I've been sick," I whispered as my tears fell. I wiped them away. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Bella," he said. "I understand. So what do you want to know?"

"Everything," I cried. "I know the facts but I need to know the truth about what's it really like because I can't do this much longer. I'm hurting my husband and my family. I just don't know what to do."

"First, you need to calm down," he said as he moved to the chair next to me and handed me Kleenex. "Now, tell me what's going on."

"Carlisle thinks we should do a transplant using Emmett's marrow since he's a match. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of all of it. I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't think I can do the transplant but it might be the only chance I have to live," I sobbed softly.

"It won't be easy," said Blake. "Physically you will feel worse than you do now probably. The nausea and vomiting will be worse. You will be so tired and weak that you will have trouble holding a book up or sitting up on the side of the bed. Then once you have the transplant, you will have increased weakness, diarrhea, nausea and fever. You will have to be careful that you don't get an infection. You might get mouth sores that are so painful you have trouble swallowing anything. Then there's the emotional struggle. I felt isolated from my family. Lauren couldn't come see me for weeks and even after I came home, she was too scared to come near me for awhile. I was angry and bitter. I felt helpless and less of a man."

"Was it worth it?" I asked. Blake smiled and picked up a picture off his desk and handed it to me. It was of him and Lauren last summer at Disneyland.

"Yes, it was worth it," he whispered softly. I looked up at him and saw the tears falling down his face. "It wasn't easy or fun but getting to see my little girl grow up, made every second of the three years I spent in hell worth it, Bella."

"What if it doesn't work for me?" I asked through my tears.

"I don't know, sweetheart," he said. "But knowing Charlie, he would want you to try."

"I know he would," I sobbed softly. "Thank you for talking to me."

"I'm here anytime you need someone to talk to," said Blake.

"I just might take you up on that," I whispered as I stood up. "Lauren's very lucky to have a father like you."

"No, I'm lucky to have a daughter like her," said Blake.

Lauren drove me back home and I spent the rest of the afternoon looking through pictures of my family.

There was the one of me and Emmett from last summer. Charlie had taken us to Seattle to see a Mariners game. Emmett and I were sitting with our feet on the back of the seats in front of us. We had our sunglasses on and were giving Charlie the peace sign. Charlie just laughed and called us dorks.

The next one was of me and Charlie. I was sixteen and I had been working on my car when he came out with a bucket of ice water. He dumped it on me. I jumped on his back and Emmett took a picture. I couldn't help but laugh with the both of them.

I looked through snapshots of Emmett and Rose together at First Beach in La Push. Me and Jasper down at the courthouse barbeque over the fourth of July. Pictures of me and Rose laying n her bed painting our toenails black.

Then I got to the pictures of Jasper and Alice taken at homecoming. He had his arms wrapped around her and she had her head on his chest. You could see how much they loved each other. I flipped to the last picture in the stack and let out sob.

It was of mine and Edward's wedding. He was gazing down at me with a big smile on this face. It was like I was his sun. That's when I knew what I had to do. I threw the photos down and climbed off the couch. I grabbed my keys and jumped into my car and drove to Carlisle's office. I bypassed the front desk and went straight back and knocked on his door.

"Come in," he hollered. I pushed the door open and he looked up at me. "Bella, honey, what's wrong?"

"I'll do it," I said. "I'll do the transplant."