43
I turned and walked out of Mr. Stevens' office. I made my way down to the music room. Edward looked up at me and sighed in relief. I smiled at him before I walked over to Peter.
"I never got to thank you for taking me to New York," I said softly as my eyes filled up with tears. Everyone stopped talking and looked over at me. "Having your support, with not only my music but everything I do, means so much to me. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you that before."
"You're welcome," said Peter, giving me a piercing look. "You're quitting, aren't you?"
"Yes," I said, looking down at my feet.
"What is he talking about?" asked Mike. I looked over at everyone. "Bella?"
"I can't…" I trailed off.
I turned and made my way out of the classroom. I couldn't handle looking in the faces of the people who I have known nearly my entire life. I just couldn't handle the disappointment on their faces. Edward ran behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist as he led me down to the auditorium. We settled into a couple seats in the back and I laid my head on his chest and told him about my fight with Emmett and my conversation with Mr. Stevens.
"It's a good idea for you to graduate now," said Edward. "Maybe I should try to test out."
"No," I whispered. He looked down at me. "You should stay in school. No point in wasting your life too."
"Baby, I am not wasting my life," whispered Edward. "If I go ahead and test out, I will be able to help you more when you come home."
"I don't want you to miss out on life just because of me," I whispered. "You've already given up so much."
"Baby, I am not giving up anything because of you," he whispered softy. "I love you and that is why I do what I do for you. I hope that one day you will be healthy again and we can move on from this. Please, let me do this for you."
"Ok," I whispered. "I guess you're right. Besides, when I do finally get to come home from the hospital, I will need you to be there. I guess it makes sense."
"Thank you," he said softly as the bell rang for lunch. "Are you hungry?"
"A little bit," I said softly.
"Let's go get you some lunch," chuckled Edward.
He stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet. I leaned my head on his shoulder as we made our way out into the hall and down to the cafeteria. Edward grabbed me a grilled cheese sandwich and a bottle of water. He pulled me over to where the others were sitting. Emmett was glaring at the tray of uneaten food in front of him while Rose, Alice, and Jasper seemed to want to just avoid looking at me. Ben, Angela, Garrett, and Kate were looking between the six of us.
"Just say it, Emmett," I said. He looked up at me. "I know you're mad at me. Just say it already."
"I am mad at you," he said softly. "You're giving up on all of us."
"No, I'm not," I said. "Look, I'm trying, ok? I'm dealing with all of this the best way I can. It's not easy to agree to a procedure that is only to going to make me feel worse before it helps me."
"I know-"
"No, Emmett, you don't know," said Edward, wrapping his arm around my waist. "I know that as her brother, that you see how much being sick had hurt her physically but you are just now seeing the emotional toll it has taken on her. I've seen it all. I've laid in our bed listening to her cry out in her sleep begging God to save her, begging him not to take her way from all of us. I've been the one who had held her night after night while she begged me to make it stop hurting. Only, I can't help her. I can't stop the pain."
"It's ok, Baby," I whispered as I wiped the tears off Edward's face. "You help me."
"It's not like I wouldn't have been there," said Emmett, through his tears. "She just doesn't need me now that she has you."
"Em, I will always need you," I sobbed softly. I moved and climbed into his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. "You're my big brother but you have to let me go. You have to take care of Rosie for me because right now I can't."
"Bella, it's not your place to take care of us," said Rose, grabbing my hand. "You've always taken on too much onto yourself. Maybe we didn't make it easy for you but you can let us take care of you now."
"No, I can't," I said as I turned on Emmett's lap and looked at everyone. "When I go into the hospital to do the transplant, I am not going to be able to be around you. It's not safe."
"For how long?" asked Alice.
"At least the next couple months, probably," I said. All of their faces dropped. "See, this is why I didn't want to do it. I don't want to miss out on your lives but this my last chance to be healthy again, my only chance at this point."
"Oh," whispered Jasper. He wiped the tears off his face. "Well, we will just have to make sure we have plenty of stories to tell you when you come out of the hospital."
"Yeah, I'm sure we can do plenty of stupid things to make you laugh," whispered Garrett.
"Especially you, Garrett," I whispered. "You are a dumb ass sometimes."
"I know," he chuckled through his tears. "I'll make sure to do some really dumb ass things for you."
"I'll, um, try to video tape them all," chuckled Kate as she cried. "We all know his shit is funnier when you get to see it."
"That's true," I chuckled as the bell rang. "We, um, had better get to class."
Everyone just nodded their heads before we stood up. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist as we made our way after the others. I could feel my tears pouring down my face as I watched them all with their arms wrapped around each other. They would be ok as long as they stuck together.
Edward and I made our way down to our biology class. We ignored the looks from everyone as I went up to Mr. Banner.
"Hey, Bella," he said softly. "I've heard that this will be your last day."
"Yeah," I said softly, ignoring the whispers that started behind us. "I need you to withdraw me from my college courses also. I won't be able to continues with them, at least not right now."
"I've already taken care of it," he said softly. "If you need anything, Bella, and I do mean anything, please let me know."
"Have you found cure for cancer yet?" I asked through my tears.
"No, I haven't," he whispered.
"Just take care of everyone for me," I whispered. "And don't let them slack off just because they get scared or whatever."
"I promise," he said softly.
"And, um, thank you for helping me get into my college classes and always being here to push me to do my best. You're my favorite teacher and I, um, am going miss your class," I sobbed softly.
"You've always been one of my favorite students, Bella," he said as he let his tears fall. "It's been an honor to know you. I will be praying for your recovery."
"Thank you, sir," I whispered.
Edward and I turned and made our way to the back of the classroom and took our seats. I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes as I listened to Mr. Banner try to teach his lesson. I could hear everyone whispering to themselves. I could hear the emotions threatening to break through Mr. Banner's facade as he taught. I just laid my head on Edward's shoulder and tried to ignore it all.
The bell finally rang and Edward and I stood up and made our way out of the classroom while everyone else just sat there. Slowly, everyone started coming in. I just turned my eyes away from them and looked out the window. It hurt to see the pain on everyone's faces. I had gone to school with most of these people since kindergarten. Mrs. Goff came in and set her stuff down on her desk.
"Today, we are going to do something a little different," she said softly. "I would like you to take a few minutes and think about what scares you the most. Dig deep into your hearts and find what really scares you. When you are sure you've picked the right thing, I want you to take a few minutes and write out what scares you. If anyone feels comfortable enough to share theirs, I'd love to hear them."
I pulled my knees up to my chest as I opened my notebook and started writing. I knew exactly what I wanted my essay to say. The only sound in the room was the sound of everyone's pencils scratching on their papers as they wrote their own fears.
"I'll go first," said Mrs. Goff. "My greatest fear is that my cancer will come back. I'm scared that my children will have to grow up not knowing how much I truly love them. Who would like to go next?"
"I will," said Angela. I laid my head on my knees as I looked over at her. "I'm scared that my life will mean nothing. I want to go to California and become a movie producer but it's a hard field to get into. I'm scared that I won't be good enough."
"I'm scared that I will never see my brother again," said Austin. "He's in the Army and he's been over seas for the past eighteen months. He's my best friend, you know?"
"I'm scared to lose Bella," whispered Edward as he let a tear fall from his eye. I reached over and wiped it away. "Every night I hold her in my arms and I can feel her slipping away from me. I try to hold on tighter to her but I know that she's …."
"I'm afraid I'm going to die," I whispered through my tears. Everyone turned and looked at me. "I'm having a bone marrow transplant done soon and I'm scared that I'm going to die. I'm not really to die yet. I want so many things in my life, you know? I want to do so much but I don't think I can anymore. I hate that I can't do any of it. I've tried to be strong for Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Alice, and all of you but I just can't do it anymore. I'm not giving up but I have to just focus on me and Edward right now because that's all I have."
I turned and buried my head in my knees as I sobbed. Edward wrapped his arms around me and laid his head on my back as he let his tears fall. He was the only person who knew how hard it had truly been over the past seven weeks.
The bell finally rang and Edward pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arm around my waist as we headed out of the classroom.
"Bella," said Mrs. Goff. I turned and looked at her. "I know it's scary. I know the fear you feel everyday, but you can do it. Just hang in there, sweetheart."
"How old are you children?" I asked through my tears.
"Olivia is three and Miranda is one," she said with a soft smile.
"Tell me about them," I whispered.
"Olivia loves to dance," she whispered as a tear ran down her face. "She just started ballet lessons during the summer and she loves it. She wears her tutu all the time. Miranda talks all the time. Mostly babbling but every once in a while she says something I understand."
"You're very lucky to have them," I whispered. "Take good care of them."
"I will," she said softly. "I wish…."
"Me too," I whispered.
I turned and pulled Edward out of the classroom. We stopped at my locker and grabbed my stuff before we headed down to the office. We walked right past Mrs. Cope and into Mr. Stevens' office. He looked up and smiled softly.
"Is it done?" I asked.
"Yes," he said. "It will take a few days to process but you are officially a high school graduate."
"Thank you," I said.
"Sir, I need to take the exiting exam as soon as possible," said Edward.
"I figured as much," said Mr. Stevens. "I will have it here on Friday. Will you be ready?"
"Yes, sir," said Edward. "Thank you."
"Just take care of her," whispered Mr. Stevens. "I would like to see the two of you walk across the stage with the rest of your class."
"I would like that too," I cried softly. I took a deep breath. "Do me a favor?"
"What, sweetheart?" asked Mr. Stevens.
"Make sure Emmett is ok while I'm gone," I whispered. "And Rose, Jasper, and Alice too but make sure Emmett is ok. Don't let him slack off on his work or make himself feel stupid because he's not."
"I promise," said Mr. Stevens.
"Thank you," I whispered. "For everything."
"It's been my pleasure, my dear," he said softly. "I'll be praying for you."
"Thank you, sir," I whispered.
Edward and I turned and made our way out into the hall. We were fixing to head out to the car when I heard the most intense music playing. I pulled away from Edward and ran down to the hall toward it. I stopped in the music room door and watched Peter playing the piano. His fingers were moving across it so fast I could barely see them. He was hitting them so hard, I was afraid he would break his fingers. He finished his song and laid his head on the keys while his shoulders shook.
"Wow, who knew you could play?" I asked. He snapped his head up and turned to me. I could see the anger in his eyes.
"Of course, I can play," he snapped as he stood up. "Did you just think I harped on you for my health?"
"Yes," I said. "So you're pretty mad at me, huh?"
"Yeah," he said harshly. "You know, I don't get it. I don't get how you can just quit."
"You think it's easy," I said as Edward came up behind me. "I want nothing more than to stay here and be happy and jolly miss sunshine for everyone but I can't. I just can't do it anymore."
"That's bullshit," snapped Peter. "You …..God, you are the most amazing musicain I have ever seen, Bella, and you are throwing it away."
"No, I'm not," I said as I walked into the room. "Do you think I want this? All I have ever wanted was to be standing on that fucking stage and singing, Peter. I hope and pray that by some miracle, I get to do that but I know the odds are stacked against me. Now, I get to go spend the next two months or more in the fucking hospital."
"Hospital? Why?" asked Peter.
"I've having a bone marrow transplant," I said softly. His face softened as he closed his eyes. "Emmett's donating his marrow so that maybe, I'll live. I'm scared. I don't know that I'm strong enough to go through it but I have to."
"I thought…." trailed off Peter through his tears.
"I know," I said. "I haven't made this easy for anyone. I know that but I'm just so tired of being sick all the time. I want my life back. I want my father back. It's not fair but it doesn't matter because my father is dead and my health is shit."
"You can do it, Bella," said Peter. I rolled my eyes. "You can. Look at what've you done so far."
"It's only going to get harder, Peter," I said. "I know the facts, ok? It's going to really hard. Harder than it's been. I'm going to try so hard to make it but I might not."
"So you're just going into this with a defeatist attitude?" he asked.
"No, I'm going into this with a realist attitude," I said. "I am going to go into this with everything I have but we have to face the fact that I just may not survive. That doesn't mean I'm giving up on life, it just means that I'm embracing it."
"I suppose you're right," said Peter. "So when is the transplant taking place?"
"Probably next few weeks," I said softly.
"Wow, you never do anything the easy way," sighed Peter.
"Where's the fun in that?" I smirked. Peter chuckled and rolled his eyes. "We have to go but take care of Charlotte. Thank her for going to New York with us. I really enjoyed getting to know her."
"I will, Bella," he said. "I've been so proud to be your teacher."
"You're more than a teacher, Peter," I said softly. "You're my friend."
I hugged him before I grabbed Edward's hand and followed him out to the car. We drove down to the hospital and up to Carlisle's office. We only had to wait a few minutes before we were called back. Carlisle came in and hooked up my IV and left me and Edward alone. Edward and I kissed the entire time.
Carlisle came in and took out my IV once my treatment was over. I hugged him before we left. Edward and I went home and I spent the majority of the night in the bathroom throwing up. Edward pulled our blankets off the bed and held me all night. It was moments like this that I had hope that I would survive.