"Way to go, little buddy! No! Really! Way to go!"

Remus was curled up on his bed, head buried under his pillow. James, Sirius, and Peter were on his bed with him, James currently the one congratulating him after he told them everything that happened in the library.

"She deserved it," Sirius agreed. "Snivelly is a bully."

"It isn't right she got all mad at you but not at him for what he's done," Peter agreed.

Remus flinched when he felt a hand press against his back. He wasn't sure who it was. He wanted to explain to them he didn't feel at all good. He regretted what he said. He should have kept his opinion to himself-now Lily probably flat out hated him. Whether it was true or not he should have just bottled everything up and just apologized to her or something. He may have felt hurt about it for a while but he'd get over it eventually. Now... she was probably never going to be his friend again.

"You all right?" James asked, practically in his ear. It was his hand against Remus.

He tried to say yes, he tried to lie. Instead a quiet sort of sobby sound came out. "No." He squirmed deeper under his pillow, wishing they'd go away. He wanted to crawl under his bed and sleep there for a few years. His skin also felt super sensitive again, mere words rubbing against him like knives.

James pat his back. "Aw, c'mon, all girls are dumb anyway."

"I dunno if I'd go that far," Sirius snorted.

"Yeah, me either," Peter said a little dreamily. Remus suspected he was looking at his finger where that second year girl kissed him the other day (at least he had washed his hands despite his swearing he wouldn't).

"Oh , girls are weird," James protested. "I mean... no offense, Remus, but you're really better off without her as a girlfriend."

Remus sat up, the pillow falling on Sirius who had been laying next to him. "She w-w-www-wasn't my girlfriend! G-girls and boys can be friends!" He grabbed his pillow, sliding off the bed. "Sick of p-people saying that."

James held his hands up. "Okay, okay, sorry." He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, squinting at Sirius and Peter. "So what do you two mean by you wouldn't go that far?" he asked as Remus debated going underneath his bed. He knew it'd be weird... sure they promised they wouldn't think twice about him doing that but would they?

"Some girls look nice," Sirius replied with a shrug.

"Like who?!" James demanded.

Sirius smiled. "Madeline Mandrake."

"Oooooh, she doesn't count! She's a woman. Not a girl. Plus she plays Quidditch! Women who play Quidditch are like... exceptions to the rules." While James spoke, Remus went under his bed since they weren't even paying attention to him anyway, which was a good thing. He curled up, face in the pillow. At least he had stopped crying.

"Yeahhh..." Peter drew out. "Specially ones with big knockers. Like Madeline Mandrake. How does she even stay on the broom?"

"Oh Merlin, Peter!" James laughed. "That's a good question though. D'you think they're very heavy? When I stuffed Dedenne's bra with my socks it was light but-do boobs weigh more than socks?"

"I think so," Sirius said. "I don't know. I've never... errrr... felt them." He giggled at that. "Not yet."

Remus was rather glad he had gone under the bed. This wasn't really a discussion he found very... interesting. He probably would be one day. That's what everyone said, at least. In some books. That's how it went. You grew up and took notice of girls. Was it weird he hadn't yet? Maybe it was their ages, since James didn't seem too interested either and they were the two younger ones. Though James did seem a bit keen on boobs even if he thought girls were weird. Whereas Remus didn't think girls were weird, just... what was such a big deal about boobs? Guess I'll figure that out when I get a bit older, he thought then made a face.

"Yeah whenever women in my family hug me they feel-you know-solid," Peter said.

Someone snapped their fingers, probably James. "Good point there. Same. My great-aunt's got huge ones and she squashes me against them when she hugs me-" He gave a weird shuddery sound there, "-and yeah, you're right."

"Still wouldn't know," Sirius muttered quietly.

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Wish we knew a girl with'em that we could ask," sighed James.

Sirius bust up. "Oh brilliant. Just go up to a girl 'hey can I feel your boob? It's for research'." That got all three boys laughing. Under the bed Remus smiled a little, trying to picture that in his head but then Lily's furious face took over and the smile faded.

"I always thought they were full of air though," Peter mused.

There was a smacking sound. "They can't be full of air, you dummy, they're full of milk!" James said.

"Wh-what?" Peter sounded disgusted. "Eewwwww!"

"That's how they feed babies," James said in a knowing voice. "They're like... balloons full of milk."

"Are you sure about that?" Sirius asked, sounding quite doubtful.

Peter groaned. "If they're full of milk then-ewwww that just sounds yucky. Doesn't it get old?"

"Errrr... n-no it refreshes itself every night," James mumbled. "Like cows. Every night the milk refreshes. And yes I'm sure."

"If you're so sure how come you didn't know if they were heavy or not?" Sirius accused. "Wouldn't that be heavy?"

"Not if it's only a little bit of milk. When you have a glass of milk that isn't very heavy now, is it?"

"I think you're full of it."

"Am not!" James sounded quite affronted. "How can you not know that tits have milk in them? How else could a girl feed her baby before bottles were invented? And it's only a little bit cause babies don't need to eat much, they're small. They only need a little bit. That's why I wasn't sure if they were heavy or not."

"Pffft. You're definitely full of it." Then the bed squeaked as one of them moved. Remus blinked as Sirius's upside-down head appeared over the side, his hair cascading to the floor. "You okay down there?"

"Er, yeah."

"Okay." He smiled at Remus. "If you need anything let us know." He drew himself back up and the three of them returned to discussing boobs. Remus hugged his pillow, closing his eyes, trying not to think about how much he screwed up with Lily. His friends' voices grated on him but he wasn't going to ask them to stop or go away. He didn't want to mess up these friendships too. Plus at least it provided a bit of a distraction, even if the conversation topic was absolutely absurd.

()

Remus just stayed under his bed for most the night to his friends' concern. He promised them he'd be all right though refused to come out. He didn't want to deal with anything right now just stay under his bed which he did until he woke up from nightmares dragging him out of sleep. Everything had been all foggy except for two dark figures laughing about Remus. Lily, and Snape. They both turned as Remus approached and Lily's face contorted as she said she could never be friends with a bullying monster. Snape pointed at him laughing then Lily joined him, both of them laughing louder and louder until he woke up with a jerk, banging his head on the underside of his bed, tears dripping down his cheeks.

He wriggled out from under his bed trying to be as quiet as possible so as to not wake anyone else up except someone was awake. James. His curtains were back and the end of his wand was lit softly as he flipped through a magazine. He looked up at the movement, a smile spreading across his face. "Heya," he whispered, setting the magazine down. "Was really worried about you. Can we talk?"

No. But Remus left the dorm with him, going across the hall to the bathroom. James seemed a bit nervous, wiping sweaty hands off on his pajamas. "So, um, I wanted to apologize. It's my fault."

"What is your fault?" Remus asked.

James just stared. "That Evans got all mad at you. Snape's such a git though it's hard not to do stuff to him-"

"He deserves it." Remus's voice was a bit darker than he intended it to be and it caused James's eyes to widen. "He's a bully. He-wait, did you stay up just on the off chance I'd wake up?"

"Yeah," James said. "I felt really bad. I wanted to apologize earlier but um, I know when you go under your bed you really need to be alone so I didn't wanna bug you. So I waited."

Remus felt overwhelmed by this. By the fact James was actually apologizing, by the fact James wanted to, but especially by the fact James was so perceptive about how Remus had been feeling-that he had needed to be alone. It seemed rather unusual... James usually didn't notice other peoples' feelings that much. Had Sirius said something, since out of all of them Sirius seemed most in tune with Remus's feelings? Or was it all James? Even if it had been Sirius James still went through with it, and that meant a lot.

Remus sorta wanted to hug him but that wasn't a very masculine thing to do, probably, so instead he lightly punched James's arm. "Thank you."

James rubbed the back of his head seeming very awkward now. "Yeah, well, you know. I don't feel bad for doing that to Snape, just that Evans was so-err-uhh-pigheaded about it. I know she's your friend-"

"I dunno 'bout that anymore," Remus mumbled. It hurt to say it, as true as it may be. Speaking those words out loud made him feel viciously ill. It also made his nose itch.

James's face fell. "I can't say I understand why you're friends with such a cow but I'm sorry if I've ruined your friendship."

"You didn't," he promised. "Your actions may have been the catalyst but Snape... despises me. He refuses to even attempt to be affable towards me even for Lily's sake so it was bound to happen sooner or later. I don't care that she's friends with him however if she just wishes to side with him for everything even when he's errant... that's... her choice..."

"Did your parents feed you bits of a dictionary when you were growing up?" James asked teasingly.

"I-used simple English!" Remus protested.

James rolled his eyes, punching Remus's arm now. "Sure, cataclypse. Errant. I use those words every day!"

"You mean... catalyst?"

"Oh shut up!" James laughed though. "What does that even mean?"

"Errr, it means someone or something who causes change. Like, quickly. Umm-like the Squib Rights marches were a catalyst for idiot purebloods rioting." It wasn't the best example but the only one he could think of. "Or Madeline Mandrake being a catalyst for that bizarre boob conversation you had earlier."

"Oooh, gotcha." Remus wasn't sure James really got it, to be honest. "So we're all good?"

"Yes," Remus promised. "We're all good." It felt good to see how relieved James looked, like he had genuinely been worried Remus would be mad at him, that he didn't want Remus mad at him. Why do I keep thinking they don't really care about me? he wondered as they went back to their dorm. I should probably be concerned they do care about me, really. The more they care the more they might try to pry... A jolt went through his body as if he had almost stepped off a cliff. A feeling of dread filled him then went away, as if he had nearly felt something or saw something coming... but it was gone now and he was able to get to an uneasy sleep.

()

At breakfast Remus and Lily glanced at one another then looked away. He felt hyper aware of her as he ate, wishing he could go back in time to stop himself from everything he said about Snape (despite how sure he was of being in the right about it). You need to apologize, part of him thought. Then the other part him would reply with, She should apologize. Welll-he knew that wasn't true she hadn't done much. His friends had bullied Snape, he had ripped into Snape in the library. He should be the one apologizing. But he kept thinking how unfair it was she had taken Snape's side over the whole library-detention thing. Urgh! He hated this! He just felt so torn and confused.

The day dragged on with him hardly able to pay attention in class. In History he wrote out multiple notes to Lily which he tore up. At lunch he just pushed food around on his plate, rather glad the rest of the day would be free. Luckily I have Occlumency tonight so I won't have to decide whether or not to try study group again. He looked over at Lily who wad chatting happily with Colgate. Then he glanced at the Slytherin table, at Snape. I wonder if she told him what I said. She probably did. He probably told her she made the right choice, congratulating her on getting me out of her life. Remus narrowed his eyes then went back to pushing food around. The full moon was coming up and at this rate it would be a bad one.

Since it was a rainy day, the four Marauders spent their time in the castle. James had a Quaffle which he, Sirius, and Peter kicked around an empty fourth floor corridor. They tried to get Remus to join but he didn't really want to. He was too miserable plus, as he told them, he was likely to just trip over the ball. He sat down on a window seat and watched them. Sirius gave the Quaffle a great big kick sending it flying, knocking into a painting. The man in the painting began shouting at them since it had knocked the frame slightly askew. James started to argue with the painting until he realized: there was something behind it.

"A secret passage!" He pushed the painting aside more (which resulted in the man threatening to tell Dumbledore they were destroying school property and in HIS day students would NEVER be this unruly!) revealing a small open doorway. "C'mon, lads."

They all slipped inside, Peter shutting the portrait behind them. James and Remus lit up their wands to give off some light as they went out the dark, dusty corridor. It looked like nobody had been there in ages which encouraged James quite a bit. They went down a winding staircase then started down another corridor until James yelped, stopping in his tracks. He held out his hand, light shining down a deep black pit. All four boys crowded around to stare.

"Where d'you think that goes?" Sirius asked, peering down at the darkness.

Suddenly Peter screamed. All of them jumped and James clamped his hand over Pete's mouth. "S-someone's there!" Peter pointed a shaky finger at a dark blob on the other side of the pit.

"Great and you just announced us to them," James hissed out.

"It's not moving," Sirius said.

Remus went over, easily being able to see in the darkness since his eyes had adjusted. "Merlin's Beard, Petey, it's a pot. Plus there's some floor over here, the pit doesn't go across the whole corridor."

They inched along the floor, rather nervous that it would fall through. They went one by one with Remus leading the way since he was the smallest and least likely to break the floor. But they all managed to get over where the others could see it was indeed a giant pot. Peter laughed nervously, trying to pretend he knew that. There were other big pots sitting in various recesses and alcoves, and some paintings but none with people. They all looked quite old, one of them even falling apart.

"This was probably a main corridor once," James said as they found another pit. "Until someone destroyed it."

"That's actually quite the logical theory," Remus said as he tried to look down in the pit. "Though you'd expect them to be able to fix it. Perhaps something big happened here?" Even with his wolf eyes he couldn't see much.

James went back and forth with his light revealing there was no way to get across the gap. "I guess this is the end of the line for now. Dang it all! Think I can jump that?"

"No!" Remus said, horrified, at the exact time Sirius said, "Do it!" Remus glared at him while he grinned. "Well he could."

"When you get your broom next year we can explore this," Peter suggested diplomatically.

"Brilliant idea." James looked back down into the darkness then gave a sigh. "Shame it'll be so long..."

They returned to the fourth floor where the portrait complained loudly about them, shouting angry remarks as they hurried off, hoping they weren't reported to Dumbledore. It wasn't until they got up to the common room when Remus realized he hadn't been brooding on his argument during that time; exploring a hidden passage had been too cool and exciting. He wondered about that passage. Where it took them, what happened to it to make it so unsafe... how deep the pits went... He couldn't remember anything about it in Hogwarts, a History of course that didn't go into a lot of detail about the actual physical castle except a bit about the building as well as brief mentions of secret passages. He wanted to go to the library to do some research however he thought Lily might be there already so... probably better he didn't.

()

That evening he made his way back to the fourth floor, giving the side corridor where the portrait was a curious glance as he went to Occlumency. Once inside, he settled on the couch, feeling pretty exhausted. He and Fawley chatted for a moment then she put her hands on his head. He felt a stab of pain as she went into his memories and of course it was of Lily calling him a bully, then of him snapping at her in the library. When Fawley pulled out, Remus gave a bit of an unwanted whimper as he pushed himself farther into the couch.

"You resisted me a little bit," she said, trying to sound encouraging. On any other day he'd feel super about that but not today. "Are you doing all right?"

He chewed at his thumbnail, debating on what to say. She's the only one I could talk to about this, he realized. "I d-d-don't know how to deal with this. How to fix it, or-or if I sh-should f-fix it."

Fawley tucked a loose strand of hair back, lips turned down in a frown. "That is an awful situation," she agreed. "I'm very sorry that happened to you. Are you and Miss Evans still talking?"

"N-no," he whispered. "You heard her. She doesn't w-w-want me around. She j-just believes Snape about everything and-and he can say all th-these mean things about me and th-that's fine and-I know wh-what James and Sirius did w-w-wasn't really good b-but-she-she-" He stopped, unable to say anything else. His chest was hurting pretty bad again.

"I understand that. It can be very difficult going through something like that. The stings and barbs you receive in your youth can be as great as severe injuries. At least, feel that way."

Remus remained silent, disagreeing with her. He had dealt with severe injuries. He constantly destroyed his own body, woke up unable to walk, unable to move (unable to see, once), blood and gore. The hurt inside he felt over Lily was very different. It... did feel more like a stinging pain than a great injury, but it still hurt.

"There are worse things," he whispered. "I know. Like-like getting caught." Fawley nodded slowly. "I know we won't stay friends forever... I just... I don't want to fight with her..."

"You've been sheltered your whole life. You're not ready or prepared for the downside of having friends, are you?" she asked. He replied that he didn't know what she meant by that. "The drama, the fights, the insults. It will happen. With all of your friends. Especially at your age. It's your choice whether to hold the pain as a grudge or grievance. There's nothing wrong with being hurt by these sorts of things, there's really not. It's fine to spend time nursing your inner wounds. It's important that you do. But, my dear, it's very important to talk about things. Even if you don't want to. Communication is one of the most important foundations for friendships and relationships."

Remus let out a heavy sigh. "She d-d-doesn't want to."

"You need to give her some time to nurse her own wounds. It seems like she's in a very hard position as well, with two of her friends hating each other like this."

"She's been friends with him longer than me." He didn't mean to sound whiny but that's definitely the way it came out.

"Are you jealous?"

That took him by surprise. Jealous? Of what? Their friendship? "N... no?"

"You don't sound sure."

Remus bit his bottom lip, the weariness growing worse. "I don't know what you mean."

"Do you... like her?"

"Of course I do, she's my friend!" Remus paused for a second then, "At least, she was."

Fawley now smiled. "No I mean, like her as more than a friend."

"What's more than a fri-?" He broke off then began blushing very hard. "NO! What? N-no, definitely not! No! Ew. Why does everyone th-think that j-j-just because we're friends means I like her? What's so wrong with-with being friends?"

"There's nothing wrong with it. I apologize. I just know sometimes the root of this sort of problem can stem from more from the realm of romantic than platonic. So it isn't because she cares for another boy?"

"No. I-I don't mind they're friends. I don't g-g-get why they are f-friends but I know she feels the s-same about me and my friends..."

Fawley went silent for what felt like too long. Remus squirmed, knowing she was choosing what to say which made him feel a bit anxious. "Does this Snape fellow have other friends?"

"Errr... I-I don't know," he admitted. Did he?

"Perhaps that's why she seems so protective of him, if he doesn't really have friends besides her," Fawley said in a very gentle tone. "I'm not saying it was right of her to be so angry with you, just that she probably has her reasons. I don't think this is something worth losing a friendship over-although you really shouldn't be making such close friends."

Guilt ate away at his insides. No friends, no friends. Too late for that. "I overheard them arguing a bit ago. He-he was t-telling her not to be friends with me or Inkwood cause we're half-and-half," Remus said rather quickly. Fawley winced a little bit. "She forgave him p-pretty easily over that."

"If she can forgive him for that, I have the feeling she can forgive you for what you said," Fawley said. "Just give her a little bit of time."

That seemed to be the end of that. Remus wasn't sure what else to say anyway though he did have loads of questions. They were all the same. What if she doesn't want to? What if she hates me now? What if we're not friends anymore? He kept that to himself, not really feeling like continuing the lesson even though she only delved into his head once. He had a bit of an on-off headache from the one attempt anyway, so when she asked if he wanted to continue he surprised her by saying no.

He bid her farewell and went back to his dorm, a lot to think about.