After supper James and Peter went to the Gryffindor tower, Sirius went to detention, and Remus waited by the entrance to the Great Hall for Lily to come out. They had finished up eating a bit early so he sat down with his book, not seeing the words. Finally Lily came out. He rocketed to his feet, tucking the book into his bag, watching her approach him. He hoped they were going somewhere more private to talk, it seemed a little awkward to do so right there in the main, big entrance hall.

"Wanna go outside?" she asked when she finally reached him.

He followed her down a hillside, towards some tall stones whose purpose was unknown to Remus. Lily leaned against one of them, eyes locked on him as if she expected him to start. He toed the ground, no idea where to even begin. He couldn't really apologize for his friends' actions, he didn't want to apologize for what he said in the library, and it seemed odd to apologize for not stopping his friends. Also he didn't want to apologize for her being hurt cause that seemed like it shifted the blame entirely on her.

"Are you sure you're better? Cause you still look a bit... ill," Lily finally said.

"Oh. Y-yeah, I'm mostly better." He picked up a rock to study it, to give his hands something to do, to give his eyes something to look at. "You had n-n-nothing to do w-with that."

"I know." She pushed some of her hair back but the wind just whipped it back into her face. "I never really thought I did, to be honest. Black's just a total dunce. I figured he was just trying to make me mad. Or hurt me. Since I hurt you."

"I-I'm glad you d-didn't take it to heart." He turned the rock over, unable to look at her. "I-I'm sorry that I hurt you too. I mean, I... meant what I s-said but-I shouldn't have said it."

Lily came closer to him. The wind was blowing away from them however he could still easily smell the scent of strawberries that always came off of her. Shampoo? Soap? Just her natural scent? Could people naturally smell like strawberries? She also smelled like spring. Not because they were in spring and the scent was everywhere, but she smelled like spring even in the autumn and winter. A scent he couldn't really explain. Just, some people smelled like seasons. But not everyone Like James smelled like the summer-of sunshine and grass and outdoors-while Sirius and Peter didn't really remind Remus of any specific season. If he had to choose he'd probably say summer for Pete, and winter for Sirius. That'd probably be closest.

"I said stuff I shouldn't have said." She tried pushing her hair again to no avail. "I was just so furious at them. I was also angry that you didn't try to stop them but-I guess you're right. I can't imagine being able to stop those two. I-er, talked to Sev. About some of the stuff you said. He told me he did do the tongue curse in the library." She bowed her head. "I'm sorry I believed him over you."

"It's okay-"

"No it's not, you-"

"L-Lily." Finally they properly looked into each other's faces. "It r-really is okay. I was upset at th-the time but he is your f-friend, your g-good friend. It was-was either him or me."

"I should have listened to you," she replied sternly. "I shouldn't have just... assumed the worst, because of your friends." Remus raised his eyebrows and she sighed. "Just-Potter and Black do so much to him it... I guess I automatically assume he's the victim. Which... isn't right. And I'm sorry for that."

Remus toed the ground again, pushing at the grass. "Th-thank you. For the apology."

"I'm sorry for yelling at you, for... what I said to you, after the-the shampoo thing." She kicked at the ground as well, rougher than him. "It was wrong of me. I've been a crap friend."

"No you haven't-"

"I have, though. I've been a-an absolute hypocrite, haven't I? You know, I asked him if you've ever been nice to him and he said no you've always been rude." Lily gave a short laugh at that. "Yet you've always told me it's okay I'm friends with someone you dislike, but he's always trying to tell me not to be friends with you."

"B-because he thinks I'm c-crazy or because I am sick?" he asked though he knew for a fact those were only parts of it.

"Both. Plus..." She bit her bottom lip, eyes darting to the side. "I dunno, he seems to think blood status is important."

"Oh."

"Which is stupid." Remus nodded in agreement. Lily crossed her arms, rubbing her arms anxiously. "Oh, curses, this is weird and I'm tired of pussyfooting around. Are we still friends?"

"I-hope so. I'd like to be. You-I-we're... um... I-I'd like to be."

She threw her arms around him, hugging tightly. Remus jerked a little bit, dropping the rock, then tentatively put his arms around her, hugging back. Luckily it mostly felt good with only a little bit of please-no-touch panic, and a little bit of ouch-the-claw-wound-on-my-chest pain.

"I'm sorry, you're sorry... We forgive each other?" she asked as she pulled back.

Remus smiled, quite happily. "Of course." She hugged him once more but only briefly before she let go.

"Black is a jerk still though."

"I know." Then, "So is Snape."

Lily flinched just slightly. "I-I know," she admitted. "And if anything happens-I mean, between you and Sev, I won't automatically take his side."

"I-errr, I appreciate that though..." He thought back to what Fawley said, wishing she didn't have to be so right all the time. "I know... he d-doesn't have many friends so... I understand wh-why you do."

She shook her head. "You look younger than 12 but you definitely sound older. A lot older."

"Thanks," he said, rolling his eyes, trying to stop himself from smiling but he couldn't because he felt so happy. "Thanks for reminding me I look like a little kid."

Lily giggled behind her hand. "I'm sorry, but you do." She pat his head and he managed a scowl. "I guess... is it because of your-" She stopped suddenly, blushing slightly. "I mean, er, your illness?"

What was she going to say? "I dunno. M-maybe? My m-mother is pretty d-delicate too so I g-guess I get it from her."

"And... she's got the same thing you have?"

Ooh, right. "Um, yeah, b-but a lot of her f-family is small too," he put in quickly, "and my d-dad isn't that big." His mother was around 5'1 if he remembered correctly, and his father 5'6. Remus hoped he'd end up more on his father's side of things height-wise. If he had to go through life being so small... urgh. It wouldn't be fun. He pictured all his friends shooting up in height and weight, becoming Big and Strong while he stayed stupidly Small. It'd be embarrassing. Especially since he knew Sirius was going to end up super tall, he was already the tallest boy in the first year. Stupid Sirius with his stupid long legs. Maybe Pete would be nice and stay on the shorter side with Remus.

"I'll probably be tall," Lily said with a sigh. "Both my parents are pretty tall, and Petunia's getting really tall." Her hand went to her neck in a self-conscious manner. "She's got a really long neck too."

"I think your neck looks fine."

For some reason that made Lily go even redder. "Oh, Remus," she giggled but didn't clarify what she meant by that, leaving Remus entirely in the dark as to why it made her all flustered. "Your mother's Muggle, right?"

Where did that come from? "Y-yeah."

"And you got... um... that from her, right? Your blood thing?"

Why was she going on about his illness? Because he just got out of the hospital wing? Remus shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah. Um, yeah. Why?"

Lily just shrugged. "I guess I sorta thought whatever was going on with you was more magical. I guess I thought magic doctors could fix Muggle diseases. That'd be pretty screwed up though, if they had cures for things like..." she dropped her voice, like it was a dirty word, "...cancer..." then her voice returned to normal, "and just weren't sharing it."

Cancer? Is that what she thought he had? "There are p-p-plenty of diseases we c-can't cure. Like some c-cancer... um, dragonpox. Some people st-still die from that. And..." He tried to think of other vicious diseases but all he could think of was lycanthropy. "...and plenty of others. In-including Muggle stuff." He really didn't want the conversation to be on this topic. How had they gone from making up to talking about their heights to this? "I-I'm really glad we're still friends."

"Me too." Lily took his hand. "I've been feeling awful all weekend. I wanted to talk to you Thursday night but when I tried to find you, that's when they told me you were sick again but I should have known."

"How could you have known?" And why are we still talking about this?

Lily's eyes got huge. "It's obvious, isn't it? You looked so awful after Potions. You looked ready to just pass out. I'm a bit surprised Professor Slughorn didn't make you go to the hospital wing, to be perfectly frank."

"Oh."

"You still look awful. Should you even be out of the hospital?"

"The w-w-worst is over, I'll be okay," he promised, realizing she was still holding his hand. He wondered how on earth he could have stumbled upon two such touchy-feely friends like James and Lily? Fourteen hours ago that hand was a monstrous paw that was ripping into his own flesh. He suddenly yanked his hand free, getting shaky as that image continued on to his hand becoming a paw right there and then and ripping into Lily. Except he didn't want her to think he didn't want to hold her hand (even though he really didn't) so he doubled over, coughing as realistically as he could, using one hand over his mouth and the other to clutch his chest.

"The worst is over, eh?" she demanded with narrowed eyes.

"Y-yeah, that's... I'm all right." He gave another couple of feeble coughs then straightened up. "I th-think I should go lie down though. Sorry. I-thank-thank you. For, er, you know. Everything."

She took his other hand, not the one he had coughed into, and linked their pinkies together. Neither of them said anything, just squeezed pinkies, then let go.

()

Remus had minor nightmares that night, nothing too terrible but enough to wake him. The first time he woke up he thought it wasn't of his own accord because he heard very muffled crying. The sound faded and Remus fell back asleep. After some time passed he woke up again, this time from a rather miserable nightmare where his hands were permanently paws. He was sweaty, feeling a little ill, needing both to empty his bladder and also get some water. He got out of bed, feet feeling around for his slippers then headed for the bathroom. Once back he took the water pitcher that always stood on one of the small tables and tiptoed to his bed for the glass he kept there. When he took a long swig he noticed Sirius's bed was empty.

Must have snuck out without saying anything to me, he thought then looked over at James's bed whose curtains were shut. Curious, Remus went over to peek in. James was there-and so was Sirius. He was curled up in a small ball against James, his head against James's chest while James's arms were rather protectively around him even in sleep. Remus quietly shut the curtains, retreating to his own bed. He took a few more sips of water before slipping back under his covers. He really didn't think anything much of the two of them in the same bed but as he drifted off he couldn't help think it connected to the crying that had woken him earlier.

()

May first, and only five weeks before the exams! Four of those nights would be spent as a wolf so Remus felt he really needed to get cracking. He hadn't been following his self-imposed studying schedule very well and because of his fighting with Lily (plus the full moon) he hadn't even gone to study group in over a week. Minus five nights of Occlumency lessons, too.

"You okay?" Peter asked at breakfast as Remus stared at the notes he had scribbled down, with the hours he had left to study. "You're looking peaky again."

"Fine," Remus mumbled, not even paying attention to breakfast ever since owl post came and he received a letter from his mother that worried him. After that he started doing calculations. Two hours of free time in the afternoons on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Four on Tuesdays, two on Thursdays... minus the full moons... afternoons will give me fifty-six hours... evenings minus Occlumency... I can eat faster adding on more time from breakfast, lunch, and dinner... and of course all day on the weekends... minus the full moon...

His head began hurting a little so he set his quill down, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You do realize sitting here making all these little annoying maths stuff is taking away from your study time, right?" Sirius joked. Remus's head snapped up and what little color that was in his face flooded away. "Oh, crap, Remy-no, I didn't mean-I was only teasing-" But it was too late. Remus pulled out his Potions book to try to cram information in his head. He had to memorize every little detail on Potions especially. His practical exam would be terrible so he needed to be more than perfect on the written.

A finger appeared over the book, jerking it down. "You've gotta eat some breakfast at least," James said.

Peter helpfully put some food on his plate. "Er, right, thanks." Remus shoveled some eggs in his mouth before drifting back to the book, barely hearing his friends sighing. At least Lily also seemed freaked out over how little time they had left. She told him as they walked to Charms that she felt physically ill. Sure they survived the minor exams, the not-so-important ones before the holidays, but these were the big ones. The Important ones. The ones deciding whether they'd get to their second year or not. James pointed out that they were the two smartest Gryffindor first years-possibly the two smartest first years period ("At least Remus is definitely the smartest first year," he added) so if they did have a chance, how could anyone else fare?

"That's not the point," Lily said harshly. "All sorts of things could go wrong."

"Exactly," Remus agreed. "Besides, I want the best grades I could possibly get." Even if just for himself, to show that werewolves weren't dumb slobbering beasts. To show to his parents that going to Hogwarts was a good idea. If he got less than perfect grades what if they decided Hogwarts wasn't the right choice? What if they decided yeah it was a good attempt but he only got an E on his Transfiguration exam so what's the point? His stomach churned violently at that thought.

"We should study after study group, you and me," Lily said.

"Good idea," Remus said.

"I liked it better when they were fighting, if she's taking him away from us," James grumbled under his breath to the other two Marauders.

Remus forgot to eat lunch, spending the time with his Potions book instead. He also didn't notice the worried looks his friends gave each other. When it was time to go to Defense Sirius grabbed a sandwich, offering it to him as they went. Remus frowned at the food then realized he was hungry.

"You don't need to study that much," James said lightly as Remus shoved the sandwich in his mouth.

"Yef-" He stopped so he could swallow. "Yes I do."

"What Jimmy said earlier was right, you're so smart," Peter said. "Plus it's still ages away. At least wait till it's closer to start panicking."

Remus just finished eating the sandwich, not responding. They didn't understand. At least Lily did. That night after study group (which Silverlocke was very happy to see Remus return to) the two of them took over a table in the common room to study, their heads bent in together as they quietly quizzed each other. Lily confessed the reason she was afraid was because she was Muggleborn.

"That's why I want to have the best grades I can, to prove I can," she said, chewing at her quill. "Is that dumb?"

"No," he said, since he was in a similar boat even though he couldn't admit it. He could say part of it. "I'm worried if my grades aren't good enough my parents will think there's no point for me to be here and keep me home where they can monitor my illness better."

Neither of them pointed out to the other that they really were the top two students in the first year. They both knew the other would just shake their head or roll their eyes, dismiss it, not accept that as a reason not to be totally anxious about the exams a month away. Though Remus was a little jealous about Lily. He thought she was smarter than him, a lot cleverer, quicker on the ability to memorize wand movements, brilliant at Potions. He had no clue Lily was jealous of him for almost the same reasons. She thought he was smarter than her, a lot more intelligent, easily absorbing information into his head, a master in History without trying. He'd find this out later in their friendship but for now he just watched her practice wand movements, wishing he were as good as her.

Because the curfew was only for out-of-common-room territory the two stayed up quite late. In fact the common room was empty when they finally stretched, figuring they might as well finish up for the night. Remus was just glancing at the clock (midnight) when footsteps came down the boys' stairs.

"You still up?" It was James and Sirius, both looking rather cross. They were fully dressed in black clothes and they only wore socks so Remus suspected they wanted to go... well... marauding.

"Just finishing up," Remus said while Lily looked them up and down. "Do you-errr... need me?"

"If you'd like," Sirius said, glancing at Lily. James clasped his hands together in a 'pleeeeasseee?' manner, fluttering his eyelashes to boot.

"Why do you two look like robbers?" she asked as she got up, gathering her books.

"Why do you look like-" Sirius started then actually stopped himself, eyes darting to Remus. "Never mind."

"Wow. Sirius Black stopping himself from being a twat." Lily nodded appreciatively. "Impressive. Goodnight, Remus." She turned on her heels, marching up the girls' stairs.

"Th-thank you," Remus muttered to Sirius as he stacked his own books up.

Sirius rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Yeah, well, you just got over a fight with her. Didn't want you to get all moony about it again."

"I-I wasn't moony!"

"Were so," James said, smacking Remus's back. "Now, we'll see you in a bit, yeah? Cause you won't fall asleep like some Marauders we know."

Remus sighed loudly. "I won't. I'll just study some more."

"Sounds exceedingly unhealthy to me," James sniffled then prodded at Sirius. "C'mon then, let's go." He tossed his fancy watch at Remus before he and Sirius disappeared through the portrait hole.

Remus missed catching the watch, of course, then settled into the armchair nearest the entrance to continue studying, ignoring the on-and-off headache he had started to get earlier. It was probably something he should be worrying about however with his lycanthropic healing abilities he figured he could just ignore it. He could deal with a bit of pain for a while. Because... he had to.

He reached into his pocket, pulling out the letter from his mother that morning.

I know school is very important, she wrote near the end, however sometimes I feel like it'd be better if you were here. Completely. I love you so much baby but the risks are just so great for such a little payoff. What good is risking your own life just for a little bit of basic knowledge you could learn at home?

If he got all Os, or mostly Os, then she'd see. It was more than just basic knowledge. If he did better than his father ever did at school, surely then they'd see how important Hogwarts was. Translating Beauxbaton grades to Hogwarts grades he knew his father mostly got Es with a couple As (History, Healing which Hogwarts didn't have for some reason) and a couple Os (Defense Against the Dark Arts and Wizarding Law, which again Hogwarts did not have for some reason). So... he needed as many Os as possible. Better than his father. Had to be. Then, they'd see-they'd understand.

Right?

Remus shook his head, took a sip of water to see if that would help ease the headache (it didn't) then returned to his Defense book with determination.