50
BPOV
I groaned as I rolled over in the most uncomfortable bed in the world. No, the universe. If there were beds made of rocks from other planets, I'm sure that they would be more comfortable than this one. How was I supposed to rest after being sick to the point that I was nearly catatonic on a bed that squeaked every time I moved. Yeah, so not happening.
I finally gave up on even trying to get any more sleep for today. I sighed and opened my eyes. I looked around at my prison. I mean, my hospital room. It felt more like a prison than a hospital room. I was on day five of conditioning. I only had three more days, including today, of the gut wrenching chemotherapy left before I would actually get the marrow that Emmett was giving me. Or at least I hoped that I was only going through a couple more days. Carlisle had been taking so much blood from me to check my levels that I was surprised I was still alive.
The door to my room opened and I looked over to see Edward coming in, dressed in his mad scientist gear. I could tell that he still wasn't sleeping very much based on the dark circles under his eyes that I'm sure matched mine.
"Hey, handsome," I said. "You look tired."
"So do you, beautiful," he chuckled softly. "Still not sleeping very good?"
"No," I said as I adjusted my position. It took so much effort just to move right now. "This bed is so uncomfortable. I miss our bed."
"I know," he said sadly. "Has the man been in yet?"
"No," I chuckled. Edward and I had started referring to Carlisle as the man. Privately, of course. "He's hasn't been in to torture me yet but the day is still young."
"I don't torture you, Bella," teased Carlisle as he came in. I rolled my eyes and looked at Edward. We both knew the truth. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I've been run over forty-seven times by an eighteen wheeler," I said.
"So pretty bad?" he chuckled.
"Yeah," I said. "I'm tired and my entire body hurts, Carlisle. All of it hurts. I have never hurt this badly."
"Ok, I'll get you something for the pain," he said softly. "The good news is that chemo is working. The tests are showing a dramatic decrease in cancerous marrow."
"That's good," I said. "Does that mean I can do the transplant soon?"
"Hopefully," said Carlisle. "We need get rid of the rest of it but hopefully we will with the next three days of conditioning. If we can, then Emmett can come in Monday morning, I'll torture him for awhile so I can take his marrow out," smirked Carlisle. I rolled my eyes. "Then I can bring it in here to you."
"Don't talk about torturing Emmett," I scolded.
"You know I was teasing," said Carlisle.
"I don't care," I said. "I don't like talk like that."
"Fine," he said. "I'm sorry, sweetheart."
"Thank you," I said as I tried to readjust my position on the bed again. "I am filing a formal complaint with the hospital about these piss poor beds."
"Go ahead," chuckled Carlisle as he took yet another handful of blood samples from me. "It won't help but feel free to complain."
"Seriously, they suck big time," I grumbled. "I need to get out of this bed."
"You can get up," said Carlisle. I tried to push myself up but my arms gave out.
"Here I've got you," said Edward. He grabbed my arm gently and helped me sit up on the side of the bed. I hadn't been up much in the past few days. It took too much energy. "Is that ok?"
"Yeah," I whispered. I stretched slightly then winced as my entire body protested. "Fuck, everything hurts."
"Why don't you walk around your room for a minute," said Carlisle. "Stretch out a bit."
"Ok," I said.
Carlisle held onto my other arm so that he and Edward could help me off the bed. I was a little dizzy. They held on to me as I walked from the bed to one of the other chairs. I sat down in the chair and tried to blink my tears back. My legs felt like they were on fire. My back hurt. My stomach muscles were screaming in protest. I gave up trying to stop my tears from falling.
"It's ok," whispered Carlisle, rubbing my back.
"How is it ok?" I cried. "I feel like my body is going to explode with pain. How is that ok?"
"I know it hurts, sweetheart," he whispered. "I'm going to get you some pain killers, ok?"
"Ok," I sobbed softly.
Edward lifted me up and sat down with me on his lap. I laid my head on his chest and let my tears fall. I missed the skin to skin contact I had with him. I missed feeling his hands rubbing out the soreness in my body. Edward started humming from behind his mask as I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up sometime later when I heard Edward and Carlisle talking. They had moved me back to my bed. My body still ached but it wasn't nearly as bad as it was. I kept my eyes closed as I listened to them.
"I know it's hard, Edward," said Carlisle. "But she's doing remarkable."
"She can't take much more," said Edward thickly. I could almost hear the tears falling down his face. "Dad, please tell me this is going to work."
"I can't promise you anything, son," said Carlisle. "I want to be able to tell you that everything is going to be perfect but I can't. Until we give her the marrow and it starts to engraft, we just don't know. Even then we won't know anything for awhile."
I tuned them out as I silently let my tears fall again. I hated that I was hurting them. Edward had been nothing but supportive of me since the day we met. His faith that I would survive had never wavered in the past eight plus weeks but I could hear it now. He was losing faith that the transplant would work. I wanted to tell him that it would be ok but we would both know it would be a lie. There were no guarantees that I would make it through this.
I heard the door open and close. I rolled over and saw that Carlisle and Edward had both left. I pulled the bedside table over and sat up in my bed. I opened my laptop and signed into the blog site while I picked at the food they had left for me. I wasn't very hungry.
Day 5
Once upon a time in a land far, far, away, there lived
a young girl named Bella. She lived in the land of
'It's never going to happen to me.' In 'It's never
going to happen to me', there was nothing bad. No
pain, no fear, no cancer. There were no chemotherapy
appointments or nights spent clutching the toilet
for hours instead of going to the mall or just having fun.
In this land, there was nothing but happiness and joy.
No, we weren't on drugs. We were high on life until
the day that the evil dictator (Em, stop laughing at the
word dictator), LEUKEMIA took over the land.
In a moment, or many small moments, the young girl
Bella's entire life changed. She went from being the
happy, carefree cheerleader, with the awesome blue
streaked hair ( You know it was awesome, Jas), and
became the scared, frightened, lost girl with a pale
bald head and bruises on her arm from her many
chemo sticks.
She tried to be happy and carefree as she put on a brave
face and told everyone how she was going to beat
the evil LEUKEMIA (Yes, Rose, I have to use caps.
*sticks tongue out*) but she was hiding just how scared
she really was. She was hiding her fear that each day
might be the last she got to spend with her devastatingly
handsome, husband ( Love you, Baby).
Yes, the only good thing to have come along for the young
Bella is her prince charming(Ali, calm down. I love you too.
You too, Mom and Dad). He has tried so hard to make the
young Bella feel normal but she isn't anymore. No matter
what happens with the transplant, she will always be the
girl with cancer.
I quickly posted blog and looked back at some from the past few days. I was surprised to see that people had responded to them. I clicked on the one from the first day.
Dear Bella,
I came across you blog and was moved by the honesty you
put into each word. I am currently fighting a battle with
ovarian cancer. I wish you the best of luck with the transplant.
Sabrina, Houston, TX.
"Hey, what are you looking at?" asked Edward as he came into my room. I wiped the tears off my face.
"Did you know that people had responded to my blog?" I asked.
"No," he said. "What do they say?"
"Come read them," I said. I scooted over so he could sit with me and look at the screen.
Bella,
My name is Tricia. I am thirteen years old. I live in Chicago.
I was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm scared. I came
across your blog when my doctor at the Children's hospital
suggested Caringbridge as a blog site to express my fears. I
thought it was only for old people until I saw your blog. I
wish you the best of luck with your transplant. They told me
I was going to have to have an operation to remove the
tumor. Will you please pray for me? I'm really scared right
now.
Tricia
"She's just a baby," I whispered through my tears.
"Yes, she is," whispered Edward as I clicked over to Tricia's page. I hit the tab to send her a private message.
Dear Tricia,
I'm sorry to meet you this way. It's not the way I would have liked
to meet you. You seem like a really strong girl. I don't know what
your situation is but let me tell you about me. My name, as you know,
is Bella. I am eighteen years old. I have Leukemia. I was diagnosed
nearly nine weeks ago. I live in Forks, Washington. It's this small,
wet, cold town. I have a really cool twin brother named, Emmett.
He's the best. He can be really annoying but he would do anything
for me. He's giving me some of his bone marrow.
My husband is Edward. I met him just a few days before I was diagnosed.
He's my life source right now. I couldn't do any of this without him.
My best friends are Rose, Jasper, and Alice. Rose is married to Emmett.
Jasper and Alice are married. They are wacky and crazy but I love them.
What about you? Any brothers or sisters?
I am a lover of music. It's the food for my soul. My dream is to one day
have my music pouring out over the air waves. I also love fixing cars. I
have a 1960 Ford Mustang. She's incredible. What about you? What
are your hobbies? I will pray for you, Tricia. I'm here if you want to talk.
Bella
I sent the message and shut my laptop. I rolled over and laid my head on Edward's chest and let my tears fall for Tricia, Sabrina, and all the people like us, who were suffering everyday for a chance to be normal.
I'm not sure how long I had been crying into Edward's chest when the door to my room opened again. I peeked through my lashes and saw Carlisle coming in with my chemo treatment.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked as he noticed my tear stained face.
"Some people have been responding to her blog," whispered Edward. "There was a girl named Tricia with a brain tumor. She's only thirteen."
"Oh," whispered Carlisle.
"She's a baby," I whispered softly. "She's barely begun to spread her wings and now she's going to face the biggest struggle of her life."
"We'll have to pray that she can overcome the tumor and live a fill life," whispered Carlisle.
"Yeah," I whispered as a tear slipped down my face. "Are you ready to start my treatment?"
"Yes," whispered Carlisle.
"Ok," I whispered.
Edward slid off the bed and Carlisle got my treatment started. They made small talk while the chemo ran through my system. My mind wandered to Tricia as they talked around me. I hoped that she had a supportive family around her like do.