55
Day 3 post-transplant
Here I am on day three of waiting. Waiting to hear if
the marrow is engrafting. Waiting to hear if I might
have a chance. Waiting to hear if my life is over or not.
I might sound a bit overly dramatic but I am a teenage
girl. I'm supposed to be a drama queen, right?
Now that I am done with chemo, I thought maybe I would
get more energy or strength back but, sadly, that would not
be the case. If anything, I feel worse. I'm tired all the time
yet I can't sleep. Will my suffering ever end?
I shifted on my bed again as I tried to find a comfortable spot. I don't think there was one. I was ready to go home. I was ready to be in my own bed. I was ready to feel normal again.
"Still not comfortable?" asked Edward from the chair next to my bed. He was working on writing a new song.
"No," I grumbled. "I'm seriously thinking about writing a strongly worded letter to the board of directors of the hospital about these fucking beds."
"I think you should," chuckled Edward. "You can be the Joan of Arc for hospital bed reform."
"I already have the hair do," I chuckled. He laughed and shook his head.
"That you do, Love," he laughed. "Just don't tell me that you are hearing voices from God."
"Hello, God, can you hear me?" I asked with a smile. "What? You want me to demand better beds. If it's your will, I shall do what I can."
"Are you talking to God?" asked Chloe as she came in to my room.
"Yes," I said seriously. "He demands you find me a better bed."
"Good luck with that," she said with a smile as she gave me my next does of antibiotics. "How are you feeling?"
"Like someone beat the shit out of me," I said.
"Well, yesterday it was beat the fucking shit out of you, so I guess that means you are feeling better," chuckled Chloe. I rolled my eyes. "You roll your eyes a lot."
"You annoy me a lot," I said.
"It's my job," said Chloe.
"Then it's my job to roll my eyes," I chuckled. "Besides, what else I am going to do while I just lay here."
"Talk to God," she smirked.
"Funny," I snorted.
"I thought so," chuckled Chloe. "Let me know if you need anything."
"I will," I said.
"And Edward -" she started.
"I know, I know. I need to eat," said Edward dryly, not looking up from his notebook. "Tell the man that I ate eggs and toast this morning."
"I will," smirked Chloe. "He also said to get some sleep."
"Yeah, I'll work on that," muttered Edward. Chloe just chuckled as she left. This has been the daily exchange between the two of them. "The man is really starting to get on my nerves."
"The man means well, but he's kind of getting on my nerves too," I chuckled. "But you do need to sleep."
"It's not like I don't try," sighed Edward, looking up at me. "I can't sleep without you next to me."
"I know," I said as I rolled onto my back. "I think I will have permanent back problems from this bed."
"So you don't want me to have one of these beds brought to the house?" teased Edward.
"Um, that would be a hell no," I said. "Will you help me move to the chair? My ass is killing me."
"Sure," said Edward, setting his notebook down.
He came over and gently wrapped his arms around my back and held me as I scooted my legs off the bed and placed them on the floor. I stood up and stretched for a moment. My entire body was sore from the horrible bed. Edward kept his arm around me as I walked over to the recliner in the corner. I sat down and sighed contently.
"Feel better?" he chuckled.
"Yes," I sighed as I closed my eyes. "I think this chair is more comfortable than that bed is."
"Maybe you should sleep here," said Edward.
"Will you bring me a blanket?" I asked. "I'm going to try to take a nap here."
"Of course," he said.
He went over and pulled the blanket off my bed and laid it on my legs. He pulled his chair over and sat down right next to me. I nestled myself into the chair and pulled the blanket up and fell asleep.
"Babe, we are out of milk," yelled Edward from the kitchen. I shook my head softly as I shifted the baby on my hip.
"Then go to the store and get some," I yelled back. I looked down at the little green eyed child. "Your daddy is driving me mad."
"Don't say that to her," chuckled Edward as he came into the baby's room. He wrapped his arms around us. "You'll scare her off of me."
"Never," I chuckled before I turned my face up and kissed him. "You don't need my help with that."
"Funny," chuckled Edward as he lifted the giggling baby from my arms. "You think Mommy's funny?"
"MAMAMAMA," babbled our daughter, her auburn curls bouncing slightly.
"That's baby talk for yes," I chuckled. I turned back to the suitcases on the bed. "I was thinking I would pack her fall and winter clothes. It'll probably be chilly by the time we head up north. What do you think?"
"I think you're right," said Edward. I smiled and looked at him.
"Did you just admit that I was right? Doesn't that go against the man code or something?" I teased.
"Shut it, wife," he said. "Get packing while I go to the store."
"Yes, honey," I smirked. Edward handed me baby and kissed us both before he left. I looked back at the baby. "Your daddy is a good man."
"DADADADADA," she babbled.
"Bella, Edward said you needed help packing," said Alice as she and her son came into the room.
"Aunt B, guess what," said the blond haired, blue eyed three year old.
"What?" I asked as Alice took the baby from me.
"I went pee pee on the potty three times," he exclaimed, his eyes bright and shining.
"Awesome, little man," I chuckled as I gave him a high five. Who knew I would ever get excited about peeing in the potty? I turned back to Alice. "I don't need help. Edward is just being a dork. But that's beside the point. I was planning on packing her fall and winter clothes. What do you think?"
"Good idea," said Alice. "That's was we did for, little man."
"Cool," I said, moving to the closest.
"Bella, are you here?" called Rose.
"In here," I yelled. I turned and saw her come into the room with my six month old nephew in her arms. "What's up, Rosie?"
"I was just wondering if you were bringing your baby monitor or if I needed mine?" asked Rose.
"I would bring yours too. I'm bringing ours but it would be a good idea to have both," I said as I started pulling clothes out. "Do you realize how much stuff we are going to have with us?"
"Good thing the tour bus is so big," chuckled Rose.
"No kidding," snorted Alice, looking down at her watch. "I'd better go. I still have to get my stuff packed before we leave in the morning."
"Ok, love you, Ali," I said as Alice handed me my baby. "Love you, little man."
"Love you, Aunt B," he said. He and Alice left with Rose. I turned to the baby in my arms.
"We sure are lucky," I whispered. I felt Edward wrap his arms around me.
"We sure are," he whispered before he kissed her head and my lips. "The perfect family."
I slowly opened my eyes and looked around the room. Edward was sitting in his chair next to me watching me with a smile in his eyes.
"What?" I asked.
"You were talking in your sleep," he said from behind the mask.
"What did I say?" I asked.
"Well, you told me to go get something. You called me a dork and you called me Daddy," he said. "Good dream, I'm guessing?"
"Yeah," I said. "Great dream."
"Good," he said. "You need some good dreams."
"How's the song coming?" I asked.
"It's good," said Edward. "Even if I was a little distracted by your nocturnal emissions."
"Don't make fun of my sleep talking," I chuckled. "Or I'll call the man on you."
"The man is here," chuckled Carlisle as he came in to my room. "What did my son do now?"
"He was teasing me for talking in my sleep," I smirked.
"I was not," scoffed Edward. I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Ok, maybe I was."
"So what's up Doc?" I chuckled. He rolled his eyes. "Your eyes are going to get stuck like that."
"Yours haven't," he pointed out.
"Touché, Doc," I chuckled. Carlisle chuckled and sat on the edge of my bed. "Any word yet?"
"Yes," he said.
"And?" asked me and Edward.
"I'm enjoying this moment of torture," sighed Carlisle.
"Carlisle, I'm tired. I feel like utter and complete shit. If you don't tell us now if the marrow is engrafting, I may be forced to play dirty," I threatened.
"What can you do?" he scoffed. I smirked as I looked over at Edward.
"Hand me the phone," I said.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I am calling Esme," I smirked.
"Oh, shit," chuckled Carlisle. "You really do play dirty."
"I told you I did," I said. "Now please tell us."
"The marrow is starting to engraft," said Carlisle. I took a deep breath as tears filled my eyes.
"So it's working?" I asked as a tear escaped down my face.
"Yes," he said. "But we still have a long road ahead of us."
"I know," I cried. "But at least we have a road to travel."
"That's right," said Carlisle. I looked over at Edward. He had his face in his hands as his shoulders shook.
"Baby," I whispered. He looked up at me. "I know."
"It's just this is what we have been waiting so long for," he whispered through his tears.
"I know, my love. I know," I whispered. "I love you."
"I love you, too," he whispered. I wiped the tears off my face and looked at Carlisle, who I could tell was smiling behind his mask.
"Have you told everyone yet?" I asked.
"No, I figured you would want to do that," said Carlisle.
"I would," I said. "Do you think we can get them on the cams now?"
"Sure," said Edward. "I'm sure their teachers won't mind. They've been sharing everything with everyone anyway."
Edward helped me back over to my bed. I settled back while he sent everyone a text asking them to get on their cams. They had been carrying their laptops with them to school so that we could chat if I was up to it. I was thankful our teachers all understood that we needed each to be in contact like this. Plus, it made me still feel like a part of our class when we talked while they were at school.
It took a few minutes for everyone to get up on their cams. They all looked tired but Emmett looked the worst. He had dark circles under his eyes. I'm sure he wasn't sleeping anymore than I was.
"Hey, guys," I said softly.
"Hey," said Emmett. "How are you feeling?"
"Horrible," I said with a small smile. "What class are you all in?"
"Emmett and I are in English," said Jasper.
"Alice, Rose, and I are in biology," said Angela.
"I'm in Spanish with Lauren," said Kate.
"Ben and I are in music," said Garrett.
"Hey, Peter," I said. Peter moved over behind Garrett and Ben.
"Hey, kid," he said. "You look like crap."
"I feel like crap," I chuckled. "But we have news."
"Everyone shut up," barked Emmett behind him. He turned back to the screen. "Is it good news?"
"Yes," I said, through my tears. "The marrow has started engrafting."
"Oh, thank god," he cried. I could hear everyone in the background start cheering.
"We still have a long road a head of us but at least it's something to work for," I said. Alice, Rose, and Angela all had their arms around each other as they cried softly. Jasper was fighting his tears as were Garrett, Ben, and Peter. Kate was in Lauren's arms as they both cried.
"We are so happy for you, Bella," cried Alice.
"Yeah," sobbed Rose. "Thank god it's working. I can't lose my sister."
"I love you, too, Rose," I cried softly.
"Bella, this is the best news," said Peter. "We are so proud of you."
"Thanks, Peter," I whispered through my tears. "I had better let you go but I just wanted to share my news with everyone. Do some learning for me."
"We'll try," said Jasper. Emmett placed his hand up to his screen as everyone turned off their cams.
"I know, Em," I whispered. "I love you, superman."
"Love you, superwoman," he whispered. "They would be happy for you too."
"I know," I whispered. I took a deep breath and blinked back my tears. "I'll see you soon."
"Ok," he whispered before he shut off his cam.
I shut my laptop and laid my head on Edward's chest. Carlisle left us alone and we spent the rest of the day talking about all the things we hoped we would get to do. I knew we still had a long way to go and nothing was set in stone but at least this gave us a little hope. Something to fight for. Right now, that was enough.
After Edward left for the day, I opened my laptop again and logged into Caringbridge. I clicked over to Tricia's page and clicked on the tab to send her a private message. Somehow, it just felt right for her to know before the rest of the my Caringbridge readers.
Tricia,
I'm sorry I haven't sent you a message in a few days. My
emotions have been all over the place. Waiting for news
has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
But the wait is now over. I got word earlier today that the
marrow is starting to engraft. I can't tell you how good it
feels to feel a small twinge of hope for the future. I felt like
you deserve to know before I posted anything on my page.
You've become a dear friend to me, Tricia. Almost like the
little sister I never had. I hope that doesn't make me seem
creepy. It's just nice to have someone to talk to who under-
stands what I feel.
I had the most amazing dream this morning. Edward and I were
getting ready for some kind of trip. I think maybe it was a tour of
some kind. Anyway, I had the most beautiful baby in my arms.
She looked just like Edward. We were so happy. Do you think it
was more than just wishful thinking? I hope so.
I know you are getting ready to head to Houston for your appointment
with your new doctor. I wish I could be there to hold your hand and
tell you that everything is going to be ok. Just know that I'm with you
in spirit at least.
Bella