AN: edite 05/10/2020

This is stupid. Why am I back here? I think it as the car rolls across the gravel, as I park in the spot furthest from the main building of the high school. The old bricks look worn and dirty. The building seems smaller than I remember it, and if not for the twisting branches of the same old tree out front and statue of the stallion rearing upright I may not have known it at all. I expected to be flooded with old emotions, thrust back into the mind-set of the teenage girl who had wanted nothing more than to flee this place. Instead, I stare at the building and feel…hollow. Matt shifts in the seat next to me, but the movement doesn't bring me back down into reality. It didn't help that I had donned the traditional little black dress and strapped on heels. Nothing flashy or showy in my opinion, the A-line flair reached my knees in the front and calves in the back, long lace sleeves boasting modesty without sacrificing comfort to the heat. My long brunette hair was left alone to hang loose, and the boldest thing about my makeup was lipstick that could still pass at work.

"So this is it then?" His question didn't need to be asked. Might have just been looking to break the silence.

"Yeah."

"Care to provide a tour?" His smile does nothing to sooth the prickle that covers my arms, even though it's high seventies outside with a humid heat that hangs heavy. I tried to warn Matt, but he still has a coat with him. Somehow the heat doesn't bother him in it. I think maybe it's not too late to drive away. Go somewhere else. Anywhere else. I contemplate what I could possibly bribe him with to go along with the idea. But his seat belt is already off and he's stepping out of the car. With a heavy sigh I follow suit.

"May as well, I guess." And make no effort to sound happy about it. I don't know why I'm even going along with this. I guess part of me does like the idea of rubbing my success in the faces of my old classmates. And I don't mind so much that Matt wants to be here. It's a sweet offer, and as much as I grumble about it I actually appreciate it too much to turn him down. We're not even officially a thing. We meet up for coffee with enough frequency to be friends. He keeps a comfortable distance afforded to the position and never tries to push for anything more. And me? I'm too much of a coward to do anything but let him anyways. Or even ask. There's a group on the sidewalk ahead, no one I recognize from here. I step closer to him as we approach, and one of the guys lights up on seeing us.

"Is that Bri?" He breaks from the group and I worry he's coming to hug me, but he just stops short, "Holy hell! You look great! Haven't seen you since graduation, how have you been?" He's all excitement and I can't for the life of me place his face or a name.

"Uh…great!" I force a smile and try not to give away how little I remember someone so excited to see me.

"Oh hey, don't recognize you! Are you Bri's-"

"Friend, yes. Matt." He extends a hand to shake.

"I'm Rich, Richard! Me and Bri used to scrap back in the day!" He laughed, and the memories all came flooding back.

"Wait, that Rich?" I look over the neatly cut black hair and slimmed down physique. In it's place I picture long hardly washed hair framing a chubbier face and dripping down to blend in with an over-sized black band tee. The Rich I knew had been fast, tough, but big enough to get picked on by everyone outside our group. He'd slimmed down a lot in his adult years.

"Ha ha, she remembers me after all!"

"Okay, whoah, no need to call me out like that! Ouch! I could still probably take you." I square off my stance, he does the same, only to break it with a laugh.

"Yeah, you probably could, I'm out of practice! And besides, I'm on that healthy keto kick!" He blew out the air in his chest with another hearty laugh.

"You seen the rest of the group yet?"

"I haven't kept up with anyone." I admit.

"Well, Amanda probably won't be here. You know she became a cheerleader in college?"

"What? No way!"

"Oh yeah. And Jill's got kids. Dan'll be here though."

I nod along as he fills me in. Memories of laughter, sparing behind the school at lunch for fun, harsh jokes and biting retorts. Insults slung with an affectionate ease that no one took personally.

"Hey, lets head to the old meetup spot! I bet the others will meet us there." I shrug my shoulders and nod an affirmation. He turns to lead the way and waves bye to the group he'd been standing with as we pass them to head into the main building.

"Front office," I point out the door frame to Matt, "I guess we should stop and pick up our badges…or what ever. Meet you at the grove." I wave off Rich and head over towards the table for sign in. Get handed a name tag. Me plus one. Name tags filled out and slapped on.

"Wow Bri, you're in a dress! I didn't recognize you at first!" The bubbly redhead behind the table was all smiles, snapping a pick of me before I could say no.

"Oh my gosh, the girls are going to looooove this!" She prattled on before I could bite out an insult, "You look better than Meg! She is going to hate that!" A flash of tall, beautiful Meg played in my head. The girl with the modeling contract lined up by the time she was sixteen, walking runways and flying out to exotic places like Texas and California and New York. Morbid curiosity settled in, so I asked.

"Meg the model?" Which made Matt raise a brow in interest.

"Oh yeah. But you haven't heard? Oh girl, you gotta keep up on facebook! Meg had a big old health scar, and lets just say it's taken a toll. The poor dear." She shook her head in pity, and I pretended not to think Meg deserved it. An instant thought that clutched at my heart before I could place why. Instead I mumbled a thanks and moved away as another pair came up to sign in and were greeted with the same infectious enthusiasm.

The school was designed with classrooms lining both sides of a rectangular opening of grass, trees, and large rocks along with a few picnic tables and benches. Two floors for the primary building. A few people were already mingling, some were showing off their guests, but the area was mostly empty.

"If they haven't change it up, lets see…" we stepped into the path and I spun to try to recall my bearings, "Biology was….up there. Science wing. Second floor. Right next to history wing. Math classes were….down in this corner. Art classes were along that wall. English was down here along with some elective stuff. Languages were…kind of all over the place." We crossed the stone pathway to the opposite side of the building. There was a large hallways that crossed our path, taking us either way down and on each side ended in double doors.

"If you go that way, it'll take you out to the gym's building, which is separate. Track and field runs behind it. Next to that on this side," my fingers pointed out along the wall in of rooms in front of us, "There's a bunch of those uh…like mobile homes? But smaller? Classrooms? Anyways folks had home economics and stuff over there. I don't know what else I never had a class in them. And that leads around to the performing arts building. Theater, band, choir, all that jazz." Which brought a full circle to the double doors down on our right. I turned to head down the hallway and Matt followed along with a comfortable gait that managed somehow not to outpace me.

"You probably thought the Grove was back behind us. Nope. That's the main courtyard. There's a forest and a railroad out by the track and field. There's the cafeteria here," the doors were unlocked, though the tables were all folded up against the back wall not in use. I lead to a side door that brought us out to a small section of grass and tables. Three trees with great winding branches fit in the space, one of which had been trimmed back. I followed the branches up to where there was an abrupt cut off.

"We used to climb this tree up to the rooftops…"

"Looks like they finally got wise and put a stop to our dangerous antics!" Rich was up in said tree, waved and smiled down at us. Behind the tree was someone who didn't look at all different since high school.

"Now you, I recognize! You still working at that video rental place, Dan? Still living with mom?"

"Ouch, but you didn't recognize me? I get it, my charming good looks took you off guard. I understand, no one saw it coming!" Dan and I both rolled our eyes at Rich, the familiar sass hitting home under his long dirty blond hair.

"You dressed up." He commented with the lazy ease of his stoner days.

"Yeah, some of us joined the adult world." I teased but he just smiled.

"I work in tech support now, videos are dead man." He corrected, "And I'll have you know my mother is a saint. Your adult world had you lose all contact, didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, well, you know how life can be." I shrugged it off, he mirrored the sentiment.

"Better than nothing, don't think the other girls are going to make it at all." He surrendered.

This was too weird. The memories were coming back, but they weren't the nightmares that had been plaguing me when I looked around the area. I recalled impatiently waiting for the others to get there in the mornings. Chasing off intruders to our sanctuary with insults and empty threats. Sparing with each other for fun while Jill played the roll of look out in case any grown ups came by. Racing each other after school to the local convenience store. Dan always won, but it didn't stop us from trying.

"Not quite how you remember it?" Matt's voice in my ear pulled me from the reverie.

"No, nothing like I remembered it." I admitted. So why did I still feel so unsettled? Why had I been so reluctant to even think of returning here?

"The main events is in the gym. I swear it's like prom all over again." Rich's words ran a shiver up my spine.

"I just hope they don't play the same music as back then." Dan sighed.

"They probably will. Nostalgia or something." I grumbled and crossed my arms, not looking forward to that either.

"You work in tech, you said?" Matt turned to Dan with an ease that had nothing to do with recreational drug use.

"Yeah, but before you ask, I don't know nothing about sound systems."

"Well, that is a pity. Shall we stay here a bit longer or finish with the tour?" He turned to me.

"Oh, uh…I guess we can finish up. I'll see you losers later."

"Ooooooh, look at the big city big shot! Too good for us now!" I turned my back and waved off Rich's remark.

"Get on my level!" The two took it in good humor, their laughter fading as the door closed.

A silence settled over us as I lead the way back towards the main courtyard. Past it down the hallway. Through the double doors outside. Every step made my legs feel heavier, confusion teasing at my brain with the echo of steps on empty metal lockers. What was missing? What was wrong? Something wasn't right. I shouldn't be here. But there was no solid reason to justify those feelings. So where were they coming from?

"Maybe this is a waste of time." My words cut through in some futile attempt to lessen the heavy atmosphere.

"It is never a waste of time to confront that which you are afraid of." I scoff.

"That's your secret, hu? Why you're so…the opposite of me." It sounds more bitter than I like. I look away as I catch him turning to me, as we reach the side entrance to the gym.

"Sorry," I blurt out, "I mean it as a compliment."

"I know," he answers, "and you'll get there."

"Yeah. Well…" I look up and into the dark hallway inside through the glass of the single side door. I recognize the door to the weight room. Further down to the locker rooms. And it hits me. Why I didn't want to come back here. Why I'd blocked it out and moved on. It's still hazy enough not to be tangible, but it's there. Laughing faces on the other side of the window. I can hear it ringing in my head, and the sudden appearance of makeup perfect faces looking out at me makes me stumble back several steps. His hand at my back stops me from toppling over. When I look back at the glass, there's no one on the other side. It was just in my head.

"What is it? And don't tell me nothing."

"What the hell?" I breath instead, pissed at my own limbs for shaking. I want to tell him exactly nothing. He won't have it.

"I…" take a deep breath, "don't want to be here." I turn, but his arm wraps around to keep me from moving or running.

"What did I just tell you about facing this?"

"Let go of me." I hiss, hands balled at my sides in anticipation for lashing out, even though I don't actually want to fight him. Instead I cat a warning glare with enough heat to singe, I expect him to ask "or what," or hold tight. Instead I see disappointment written over his features. It strikes harder than anything that could have justified my impotent fury. He lets go, but his expression alone cools the fire and roots me to the spot. I want the excuse to fight. But he won't give it to me.

"Run away then. That's what you always do, isn't it? What you've been doing all this time?" I don't move. I still want to. But I stay put. His hand moves to my back again, between my shoulder blades, and guides me back in front of the window. I look up, and feel that familiar comfort of hollow disregard settle down over me. An emptiness so much more comfortable than the constant apprehension or the righteous fury I cover it with. He whispers in my ear,

"I'm right here. Tell me." I only see his reflection in the dark window. The ghosts don't return, but I'm still shaking.

"I…I always beat them. What ever they threw at me. I could take it. Throw it back. I hit harder. Dove deeper. So when they couldn't beat me…they locked me in a room with four guys who could." The rage came bubbling back up, "And the rumors that spread…Well. You know how small towns can be."

"I do, actually." That pulls me back to him. Grounds me somehow. My reflection betrayed the first tears before I could feel them and I pulled away, to wipe them as quickly as I could. To hide.

"Yeah, well, what ever. Like you said. Lets go rub my success in their faces." Should I have been embarrassed by the vindictive spite in my throat? Maybe. But the gleeful chuckle out of him said I didn't have to be. Something told me he did know. I didn't need the details. It was just…a feeling. He'd been here. Stood where I was standing.

"You're no longer nervous?" I turn back towards him as skeletal fingers trace the pulse at my neck. Speed it up even further.

"Of course I'm still nervous."

"But…?" I don't move his hand. I don't shove him away.

"But, I won't let that stop me." For the first time when he smiles at me, it has a hint of pride behind it. He leans closer by a breath. Instinct tells me to meet him there, before sharp laughter pulls my attention back. A group exits the main building heading our way and I step back fast as if we're a pair of teens getting caught by the teachers. The kinds of pairs I only ever saw from a distance and wished would knock off the PDA between classes in the halls.

"Well. May as well get this over with…" I start for the gym proper's entrance, only for him to tug me back. I let him without retaliation or snark.

"You almost forgot this in the car. You might want it." He places the inhaler in my hand, and we make our way inside together.