61
BPOV
Denise,
Thank you so much for letting me know how Tricia was doing yesterday. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to send you this message until this morning. My husband was having a bad day yesterday and needed me. Sometimes it's easy to forget how hard this is on those we love. I'm sure Tricia doesn't realize how hard this is on you, your husband, or your boys.
I didn't really either until about a week before we started the conditioning phase of my transplant. I've already told Tricia a little about this but my husband and I participated in a music competition about two months ago in New York City. It was the chance of a lifetime. Literally. I had just lost my father and I wasn't doing very well but I tried really hard to enjoy it. I did to a point but it was so hard.
See, until that point I had never really thought about the fact that I might actually die. I knew it but I never really let myself think about it. It didn't really hit me until we stepped into Carnegie Hall. If you haven't been there, I would suggest you go. It's amazing. Anyway, we walked in and I couldn't stop my tears from falling. Edward and I had made a list of things that we wanted to do before we die. I know that sounds morbid but when you are facing death, this is what you think about. One of the items on my list was to sing in Carnegie Hall. As I stood there, imagining all the people who had stood on that stage before me, it hit me. I was really dying.
Needless to say I didn't handle it very well. I managed to get through the competition but instead of letting it inspire me to keep fighting, I almost let it convince me to give up. For a few days after we came home, I pushed my husband, my brother, and the rest of my family away. I didn't want them to hurt because of me but they were anyway. When my doctor suggested I do the transplant, I was adamant that I wasn't going to do it. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die.
Then my friend Lauren told me about her dad, who is a cancer survivor. He had had a transplant ten years ago. I was desperate at this point because I didn't want to die. So she took me to talk with her dad. He was honest with me when he told me that going through with the transplant was like going through hell. He didn't hold anything back, which is what I needed to hear. I needed to hear someone finally be honest with me about just how much it was going suck. But he also told me that it was worth it. He told me that everyday that he got to see Lauren grow up and be happy was worth living through hell.
So I went home and thought about what he said. I was looking through some photos of me and my family. I came across one of me and Edward on our wedding day and it hit me. I could do it for him. I could live through hell for him. It was the hardest decision I had to make but as soon as I looked into my husband's eyes, I knew I could do it. As hard as it is for me, sometimes I think it's harder on him because he's the one who feels helpless.
I wish I could tell you that Tricia is going to be ok but I can't. What I can tell you is that Tricia is going to need you to hold her when she's hurting. She's going to need you to hold her when she's mad. She's going to need you to hold her when she's scared and crying. She's going to need her mom to tell her it's ok to be mad. To tell her it's ok to hate the cancer for taking her life away because regardless if she beats the cancer or not, she will never be just a girl anymore. She will always be the girl who fought cancer.
I am always here for any of you if you need someone to talk to.
Bella
I shifted on my bed again as I pushed my laptop away. Falling sleep last night with Edward on the webcams had been the highlight of my entire stay here in the hospital. Even though he wasn't right here holding me in his arms, I still felt him with me. It was the best nights sleep I had had since I came into the hospital.
I looked up from my music book as the door to my room opened and Edward came in. He still looked tired but not nearly as tired as he has been at least.
"You look better, handsome," I said.
"Thanks," he chuckled as he slid onto the bed with me. "I slept better so I guess that's a good start."
"Good," I said. "At least this way, the man might leave you alone now."
"We can always hope," sighed Edward. "How did you sleep?"
"Pretty good," I said. "Best nights sleep I've had since I came in here at least."
"That's good," said Edward. "How are your mouth sores today?"
"Ok," I whispered. "Have you talked to any of the others lately?"
"I talked to Alice this morning before I came in," said Edward. "They are all getting ready to start a new semester soon."
"What's the date?" I asked.
"It's New Years Eve," said Edward.
"I missed Christmas," I whispered.
"No, we had Christmas before you came in, remember?" asked Edward.
"I know. I meant the actual day," I said. "Charlie loved Christmas. He always teased us that if we weren't good that Santa wasn't going to bring us our presents. Emmett would beg him not to take our presents away. I swear, he would cry every time. Charlie would just laugh and tell Emmett he would put in a good word with Santa. I'm talking about them doing this like last year."
"Tell me more about Charlie," whispered Edward.
"He was just the best. I mean, he was hard on us because he wanted us to do our best and not let our own fears get in the way of who we could be, you know? He came to every school party. He came on every field trip we went on. Every year on our birthday, he would take me and Emmett to this chocolate shop in Port Angeles and buy us anything we wanted. Emmett would always get the peanut butter fudge. I would get the chocolate covered strawberries. I miss him so much," I whispered through my tears.
"I miss him too," said Edward. "When you asked me to marry you, I knew it was the right thing to do but I didn't want to it without Charlie being there. After we all left the beach and headed back to Forks, I called the station and tried to find him. They told me he was out but they connected me with his cell. He was so fucking pissed but I told him to shut the fuck up and listen to me. I said 'Chief Swan, I love your daughter. I won't let her go when I just found her. I don't want you to lose her because you are scared. It's time to man up and let her be happy.' It was probably a good thing I was talking to him on the phone because he probably would have shot me if I had said that to him in person. Anyway, he didn't say anything for a moment. Then he said. 'Son, don't let her marry you until I get there. Oh, if you talk to me like that again, I will kill you.' He hung up on me and I wasn't sure what he was going to do. Bella, he loved you so much."
"I know he did," I said, through my tears.
Edward and I fell into a comfortable silence as we worked on our music. I knew just how much Charlie loved me. He had always been so much stronger than I had ever realized. I mean, I always knew that he was both our father and our mother but I didn't realize until I read his journals just how much he had suffered in the sixteen years he was alone.
I used to wonder why he never dated again after Renee. Of course, at the time I thought she had simply abandoned us. I always wanted to ask him why he never dated but I never had the courage. He was always so private about his personal life. He never talked about Renee. I know now that he was hurting too much. At least now I know that he and Renee are together and happy.
The door to my room opened again and I looked over to see Carlisle come in with Chloe behind him. There was a sparkle in their eyes that both scared me and thrilled me.
"Hey, Doc," I said. Carlisle just chuckled at my nickname for him instead of rolling his eyes like he normally would. I shared a look with Edward. He was hiding something from us. "What's up, Carlisle?"
"Bella, would you please get up on your webcam?" asked Carlisle.
"Why?" I asked.
"Just do it," he ordered with a chuckled.
I just shrugged my shoulders and pulled my laptop over and quickly go up on my webcam. I smiled when I saw Emmett, Rose, Jasper, Alice, Ben, Angela, Garrett, Kate, and Esme all on my screen. They were all smiling.
"Hey, guys," I said.
"Hey, Bella," said Alice. "How are you feeling today?"
"I'm ok," I said. "Just curious on what Carlisle's hiding."
"Us too," chuckled Emmett. "He refused to tell us until you got up here. By the way, you were slow. We've been waiting like ten minutes or something."
"Em, it was like three minutes," chuckled Kate. "You are so impatient sometimes."
"Whatever, Kate," grumbled Emmett. "You are just mean."
"Stop whining, Emmett," sighed Esme. "Carlisle is never going to tell us whatever he is hiding if you don't stop. He enjoys this banter too much."
"She's right," laughed Carlisle.
"Ok, everyone shut up," I demanded. I looked back at Carlisle. "Now, what are you needing to tell us? Is it bad?"
"No, it's not bad," said Carlisle. "It's very, very good."
"You are fucking killing me with the suspense, Doc" I snapped. "Just tell me."
"Tell all of us now, Carlisle Cullen," demanded Esme.
"Ok, ok," chuckled Carlisle, putting his hands up. He took a deep breath. "The marrow is completely engrafted."
"Are you sure?" I asked as my eyes filled up with tears.
"Yes, I'm sure," said Carlisle. "I ran the test twice."
"So what does that mean?" I asked. "Am I cancer free?"
"Yes," he said. I could feel my tears spill over my checks and fall down my face.
"Oh, thank god," I sobbed softly.
"Carlisle, you're sure?" cried Emmett.
"I'm sure," said Carlisle as he let a tear slip down his face.
"OH MY GOD," squealed Alice.
"This is the best news ever," cried Rose. I looked back at the laptop and saw my friends and family all crying with each other.
"Em," I whispered. "I can't thank you enough."
"Anytime, anything," he whispered through his tears. "I love you, superwoman."
"I love you, too, Superman," I cried.
"Carlisle, what happens next?" asked Esme, wiping her own tears off her face.
"We will still have to check your levels often to make sure that the cancer doesn't come back. Your immune system is still very weak so we aren't quite out of the woods yet but you can go home in a few days," said Carlisle.
"I get to go home?" I squealed through my tears.
"Yes," chuckled Carlisle.
"Oh, thank god," whispered Edward. I leaned my forehead on his. "Your coming home, Baby."
"Finally," I cried.
"Ok, but here's the thing about when you go home," said Carlisle. "We've been doing some work on the house to get it ready for when you get there."
"I know," I said, wiping my tears away. "Edward told me."
"Ok, but for at least the next few months, you are going to be quarantined at home , except for trips to the hospital so we can continue to watch your progress."
"Ok," I said.
"Does that mean we can't go visit?" asked Emmett, sadly.
"No, we've turned the front room of the house into a sterilized area so that, as long as you scrub up properly like Edward and I are now, you can come by to visit some. Bella's immune system is still very vulnerable and we don't want her getting another infection that would require us to readmit her," explained Carlisle.
"We can do that," they all said together. We all busted out laughing.
"Ok, I've got a patient coming in soon so I need to get back to my office," said Carlisle, grabbing my hand. "Congratulations, Sweetheart. I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you, Carlisle, for everything," I whispered through my tears.
"You're welcome," he said. "Get some rest."
"I'll try," I said. Carlisle turned to leave.
"Dad?" asked Edward. Carlisle turned back to him. "Thank you. I love you."
"I love you, too," said Carlisle.
Carlisle and Chloe left and I laid my head on Edward's chest and turned back to my family. We talked for a little while longer before they all had to leave. You could see the happiness in each one of their faces. I'm sure it matched mine and Edward's. I closed my camera out but pulled up my blog site. I could feel the tears building in my eyes as I started typing.
Worth it all
Today was the day that made the last several weeks of my
life worth it all. Today, I was told that the marrow had fully
engrafted and I am cancer free. Totally the best day ever.
What made it better than anything was that I had my family
with me, via webcams, except for my hubby. He was right by
my side, where he has been since the day I got sick. He's
reading this right now, by the way, so I'm sure he will get a
big ego boost when I tell you all that he is the best husband
ever. Yep, he just gloated a little.
Seriously, I couldn't have done any of this with him and the
rest of our family. I know I've complained and whined about
how hard it has been, and it has been hard, but hearing those
few words made me feel like I could do anything. Even though
I know that I still have a ways to go, I know that with my families
support I can do anything. Right now, that means I can kick
cancer's ass.
I posted my blog and shut my laptop. I leaned back and laid my head on Edward's shoulder. We spent the rest of the day talking about our future. Only this time I felt like I actually had one. As Edward left for the day, while it was still hard, it wasn't as hard as it has been because I knew that in a few days, I would be leaving this room with him. That was the next best feeling for the day.
As I fell asleep watching Edward on the webcam again, I knew that soon I would be back in his arms, where I belonged.
I was laying on the sand beach again. I could feel the wind coming off the water, lightly spraying me. My hair was falling down around my shoulders. I heard someone clear their throat next to me and I turned and saw Charlie sitting there with a smirk on his face.
"I knew you'd be here," I said.
"I had to come," chuckled Charlie. "It's not everyday my daughter kicks cancer's ass."
"Thank god," I giggled.
"I've missed hearing you laugh," said Charlie, wrapping his arms around his knees.
"I haven't had a lot to laugh about lately but it feels good to finally feel like laughing," I said.
"True," said Charlie. "Bella, I'm so proud of you."
"You are?" I asked.
"Yes, I am," he said. "I know it was hard to face this head on. Then losing me, Will, and Cat like that but you fought through it. You let Edward help you. I know you still have some fight left but you can do it, honey."
"Thank you, Daddy," I said, laying my head on his shoulder. "Why isn't mom here?"
"She went to see Emmett," said Charlie. "She feels she's been neglecting him."
"He needs her," I said as Charlie wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "Daddy?"
"What?" he asked.
"Is this going to be the last time I see you?" I asked.
"I don't know," said Charlie. "I guess it depends on whether or not you need me anymore."
"BELLA!" yelled Edward. I turned to my left and saw Edward standing at the edge of the water.
"It's ok, honey," said Charlie, moving his arm. I looked back at him. "Go to him. You deserve to be happy."
"I love you, Daddy. I don't think I told you that enough when you were with me," I said.
"You told me with every breath you took, Bella. I love you, too," he said. "Just be happy."
"I will," I said.
I hugged Charlie and kissed his check before I stood up. I ran down the beach and jumped into Edward's arms. I wrapped my arms and legs around him and kissed him hard. Edward turned and carried me down the beach away from Charlie but I somehow knew that I would see him again. One day, when I needed him the most.