Chapter Two: today, it's like i'm under a heavy cloud

"If you build the guts to do something, anything, then you better save enough to face the consequences."
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

Something changed in Riley. She could feel it take over her after the talk with Shawn, just not knowing if it was good or bad. It felt in-between for her, that somedays it was good and other days, she felt like she was just moving from one place to another without any real sense of directions.

It was as if life was being sucked out of Riley every day.

She still had the flyer for the swim team but fear stopped her. She was reminded of the cheerleading tryouts and wondered if she would be good enough once again. She could hear herself say, Don't bother.

You'll look like a rejected mermaid.

Don't embarrass yourself in a new school, you already did that in the old one.

To Riley, it felt like she was pummeling herself with her own hand or drowning.

At least that's what it felt for her, as she kept on being swept out to sea with no life preserver in sight and drowning on the inside. Her sleep became a bit more restless but her grades were still well, homework done on time. Nothing to alarm anyone of anything yet. Still, she felt like shit.

But she looked at the swim tryouts flyer that was still in her room and threw it away.

There was no point for her.

Riley sat on a bench alone for lunch. Her mind kept running wild and then going out to sea once more, not knowing how it will return to her. She didn't even know how she could return to the sea, feeling that horrible feeling hit her once again.

Some days it felt better to drown than to wake up. Those days scared her more. Those days, or any days there would be harshness from herself. About who she was, how much her parents really cared about her.

Mommy and daddy don't care about you. Look at them, caring more about Auggie and Maya instead of their actual daughter. It made her feel sick on the inside because Maya didn't have the best home-life so of course, she gravitated towards Riley's parents but she couldn't help but agree with this harsher version of herself. Always there to break herself down because it was easier that way, it felt easier.

Four weeks passed, she still kept contact with Shawn but never told him her problems. She kept them inside until it exploded and it did.

On the fourth week, Topanga was talking to someone, sounding happy as Riley stood in the doorway, her mom oblivious to her presence. She was about to say something when Topanga smiled, "Oh Maya, of course, I'd love to help you with it! When do you need it by sweetie?"

Riley walked back to her room, quietly closing the door as she felt the dark waves crash around her. There were anger and sadness intertwined inside her heart as she just stood there.

Nobody cares about you. Better leave.

Leave? She thought silently.

It wasn't too bad, maybe she could go to her grandparents in Philly.

She made up her mind, Riley was leaving. With that, she started to pack her stuff. Finding the old duffle bag that she used for cheer tryouts, Riley put clothes neatly in there making sure they all fit well. Then, she rummaged through the old piggy bank that she had in her closet. She saved a lot for a rainy day and today it would be put to use. She had enough for a ticket to Philly and then calling her grandparents to pick her up.

From there, well Riley will have to see. But now, as she went to get her stuff from the bathroom she was determined to leave.

Riley should have been in school.

Instead, after waking up earlier than her dad and leaving a note for her parents. Riley was in a taxi straight to the Greyhound bus station. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she blasted music in her headphones, one in her left ear while the other was dangling to listen to the driver. The guy told her she was here, paying him, Riley got her duffle bag and backpack close the door and walked up to the station.

She checked her phone. It was now 7:30. Her first class should be starting right now and her dad would notice she wouldn't be here in class or not... Riley was sure her dad thought she was at school until he noticed that she wasn't in his class. That would be the last class of the day.

Riley paid for a ticket to Philly and texted her grandmother a hello. She noticed that the bus would be leaving in twenty minutes, Riley quickly bought some cookies from the vending machine and a granola bar as her phone chimed. She made her way to her bus and boarder taking her stuff. She placed the duffle bag underneath her seat and used her backpack as a pillow. The front was spacious and not a lot of people were on the bus, making Riley feel like it was a victory.

She checked her phone and noticed her grandmother telling her "how have you been" as any grandmother would. Riley said she was fine and was coming down for a visit today. That prompted questions from her grandmother but Riley reassured her that she was fine (not really) and that she was on the bus. She promised to text her, letting her know where to pick her up. Riley wondered if it was foolish of her to text her knowing that her grandparents were probably notifying her parents of her actions this instant. But Riley didn't care, she just wanted to leave.

The bus was now on, the engine alive. It pulled out of the station and Riley put in her headphones and played her music on her phone, unpausing the song.

I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away, yeah
I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away, yeah

The song that Avril Lavinge sang felt like something that was echoing what Riley was feeling. As she looked out the window to see the bus drive away from Manhattan, all Riley could feel was the sea try to sweep her under once again.

It was still there.

When she finally arrived in Philly, it was almost ten. Riley texted her grandma and she got a reply letting her know that they would be waiting outside in a red car. Riley got her stuff once the bus was parked and the driver telling them to get off.

All she could think of was, I did it. I actually did it.

NOTES: Title for this chapter comes from the song Runaway by Avril Lavinge. Another chapter for this, I'm so happy that people have been enjoying it so far!

Enjoy the chapter!