Here we go with another Death Note Crackfic. I actually had this idea years ago and just never wrote it. But, since I'm apparently back into Death Note now, I ended up writing it.
XXX
Obviously, the world was about to end. No, it wasn't because of Kira. And no, it wasn't because of the rising CO2 levels or global warming either (although those seriously will help bring an end to the world. We really need to do something about the environment).
No, no. The world was about to end because of the most unexpected event in all of history.
L was eating Splenda.
That's right, Splenda. A sugar substitute. L had a large pile of them sitting on his desk, and Light watched in horror as the detective poured some of the packets into his cup of tea instead of using sugar cubes. To make things worse, L had only used about 3 packets of Splenda, which seemed like a ridiculously small amount for the sugar fiend to use considering how many sugar cubes he usually added.
L used a spoon to mix the Splenda into his beverage and took a sip before he acknowledged that the younger man was there.
"Can I help you, Light?" the man asked, probably already knowing why Light was staring at him like he had just announced his engagement to Matsuda (shhhh, he wasn't planning on doing that until next week).
"Ryuzaki, is that… Splenda?" Light asked, completely dumbstruck.
L took another sip.
"Yup."
"But… it's not sugar…?"
L took another sippy sip.
"Actually, Light, Splenda is still sugar. It's just a blend of sucralose, dextrose, and maltodextrin instead of sucrose. Ah, by the way, it isn't actually zero calories. They're just allowed to say that because it has less than 5 calories per serving," L explained. "There's plenty of types of sugar, Light."
Light shook his head in disbelief.
"Even still, you only put three (3) packets into your tea," said LIght. "You usually put a crap ton of sugar in."
"Yes, I actually think that the Splenda tastes sweeter than table sugar," L replied. "And it's a different type of sweetness. It's pretty good, Light, you should try it."
"If you like it so much, why haven't you used it until now?"
"I didn't know I liked it until I tried it at Matsuda's apartment," L told him.
"Yeah, I've been trying to find a low-calorie sweetener for my coffee," Matsuda chimed in from across the room. "I didn't know L would like it so much!"
While Matsuda was talking, L ripped open another packet of Splenda and poured the contents onto his tongue. Light grimaced. No matter how many times he saw L do stuff like that, he still couldn't help but shudder in disgust.
"Hold on, why was Ryuzaki at your house, Matsuda?" Aizawa questioned. "I didn't think he even went outside much."
"Don't you know, Aizawa?" Soichiro joined in. "They've been going out for like, half a year."
"Wait, really? No one thought to mention this to me?"
"Everyone else knew, Aizawa."
"Well, I didn't! What next, you're secretly engaged?"
L and Matsuda stared at each other silently because they were, in fact, secretly engaged until next week because they wanted to wait to announce it (after all, Matsuda's parents were on vacation, and they didn't want to leave them out of the loop).
"Anyway," L spoke up, changing the subject. "I figured out who Kira is."
"WHAT?!" everyone gasped.
"Who is it, Ryuzaki?"
"Well, first of all, Light, and secondly, Misa," L listed. "But besides them…"
L took out a piece of paper and slapped it down onto a table in front of him. Everyone peered over to look at what was on the paper.
"Is that… Bernie Sanders…?"
"Oh, whoops, wrong photo. I must have accidentally grabbed the photo of Bernie Sanders that I always keep in my pocket," L explained as he dug his hand back into his pockets. "HERE it is."
This time, L slapped down a photo that everyone in the room knew quite well…
"RONALD WCDONALD?"
"I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP WITH THAT GUY!"
"But-but how? He helped me get through my divorce…"
"HE BETRAYED US!"
L stared at the group of men in front of them. He understood their distress at hearing the truth. He, too, was quite upset when he figured out that Ronald WcDonald was the third Kira. Truly, it was the deepest betrayal he had ever felt.
"Yeah, it sucks," said the detective. "But anyway, he's been arrested. His fate is in the hands of the courts now."
Everyone dried their tears. Ronald WcDonald wasn't worthy of them, not anymore.
"Wait, weren't we talking about Ryuzaki and Matsuda going out?"
"Oh, right," Aizawa remembered. "I BETTER NOT FIND OUT YOU TWO ARE ENGAGED AND HAVEN'T TOLD US!"
One again, L and Matsuda stared at each other silently. L took another sip of his tea, sweetened with Splenda. That was when Light noticed that L had a ring on his ring finger.
"RYUZAKI, IS THAT AN ENGAGEMENT RING?" he shouted.
Everyone looked closer, and sure enough, it was an engagement ring.
"WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT BEING SECRETLY ENGAGED?!"
L silently cursed. He probably shouldn't have worn his engagement ring while his engagement was still a secret. In his defense, though, he hadn't actually expected anyone to be smart enough to notice, and the fact that it took them this long to do so proved that he was mostly right. Matsuda rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Whoops. I guess the cat's out of the bag, huh, L?" he chuckled.
"That does seem to be the case," L said with a sigh. "Yes, Matsuda and I are engaged. We were going to wait until next week so that we could also tell Matsuda's parents, but I guess that plan's been ruined now. Shame on you all."
Suddenly, Matsuda's parents poofed into the room.
"Don't worry, we heard! We're so proud of you, son! Can't wait for the wedding!" the two said in unison before poofing back out of the room.
"Oh. Nevermind. That went better than expected."
"Wow, I can't believe you two are getting married!" Soichiro cried. "I feel like it was only yesterday that you two were little kids, and now you're all grown up!"
"We literally never met when I was a child," L pointed out.
"Yeah, Chief, we didn't meet until I joined the police force, either," Matsuda added.
"THEY GROW UP SO FAST!"
Light had to go comfort his father in the corner because he kept crying. Then, Watari came into the room and saw that, clearly, some crap had gone down. As such, he turned around and noped out of there because he didn't really feel like getting caught up in whatever drama the team had gotten into. HOWEVER, his retreat was stopped by none other than… RONALD WCDONALD! (dun dun dun).
"WHAT. Didn't you get arrested?" Matsuda shouted at the man who had once been their closest friend.
"Oh, yeah," Ronald agreed. "But you all know that no cell can possibly contain a clown!"
Then, Ronald WcDonald whipped out his Death Note! (le gasp!)
"I'm here to kill you, L!" the clown said as he brought the tip of a pen close to the paper. "And maybe everyone else here so there aren't any witnesses! I'm not sure yet; I'll see how I feel after I kill you!"
L's eyes widened cuz he didn't really want to die, especially at the hands of the once-beloved clown.
"Nice try, Ronald!" Matsuda exclaimed. "But you need his full name to kill him!"
L frowned.
"Actually Matsuda, he does know my full name. And even if he didn't, he has the Shinigami eyes," L sighed.
"Oh… that sucks."
"That's right! I'm gonna kill you and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
"Well, actually…"
Matsuda whipped his gun out and shot Ronald WcDonalds's hand off so he couldn't write anything.
"I can, in fact, do that."
"And you did."
"And I did."
"Ow, what the hell is wrong with you?" Ronald questioned (please keep in mind that clowns do not feel pain). "How am I supposed to write his name down now? Do you know how illegible my handwriting is with my other hand?"
"Well, yeah. That was kind of the point."
"CURSES! My plans have been foiled!"
And with that, Ronald WcDonald was arrested again, and this time, they yote him immediately to make sure he couldn't escape again. After Ronald's yoting, L and Matsuda sat next to each other on a park bench, watching the sunset.
"I can't believe the Kira case is finally over," Matsuda said wistfully.
"I mean, it's really not since Light and Misa are still free but whatever," L responded.
Matsuda took L's hand.
"I love you, L."
"I love you too, Matsuda."
And so, they sat on the bench together, happy that such a huge threat to their lives wouldn't be a PrOBleM anYmORe. And for that moment, at least, L was willing to pretend that Light and Misa weren't also Kira so that he and Matsuda could have a nice evening.
The End.