Chapter Four: please don't ask me how I've been, don't make me play pretend

"And then something invisible snapped insider her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart."― John Green, Looking for Alaska

WARNING: Mentions of self-harm in this chapter. Trigger warning for my readers, I do not go into graphic detail but it is underlined there. nonetheless, this is a warning in case. You are not alone in this fight, believe me, I've been fighting depression and anxiety for a long time. You are not alone, you are loved. :)

Riley woke up the next day wonder where Reagan was since she did not see the older girl at breakfast. She had slept in, reading Pretty Little Liars and finishing it around midnight. She was already planning on buying the whole series soon, both the Pretty Little Liars series and the Game of Thrones or as the series was called-A Song Of Ice and Fire. She had started reading all three books but had to stop. So she decided to keep reading the Game of Thrones one and put on hold the other ones.

She was on page 272, Tyrion Lannister has just been captured by Catelyn Stark and it was getting interesting, to say the least for Riley. Reagen was on the couch, her glasses on as some show was playing on her laptop.

Riley could hear her giggle as the British man spoke on the screen.

"What are you watching?" Riley asked her. Reagen paused the video, turning around to look at the other girl. The older girl's hair was up in a sloppy bun, a black t-shirt and a pair of sweats. Her glasses were crystal clear as she looked at Riley.

"Old videos of Last Week Tonight With John Oliver."

Riley nodded and told her that she was going to go eat breakfast. Reagen unpaused the video and laughed at what the comedian said about the president. She made herself a bowl of cereal, pouring in the Honey Smacks, milk and then sitting at the small table. She opened her book and continued reading while eating. She could hear Reagan start another video, then pause it. The door opened, Reagen balancing on her laptop was a plastic bag, her grin wide even though her eyes looked tired with bags underneath them.

She placed the bag in front of Riley, her face full of confusion at this. "Open it," The older girl said cheerfully to her. Riley did and gasped. Inside was four thick books, Riley recognized the green one that Reagan bought the day before yesterday. The yellow one read A Clash Of Kings. Riley got up and hugged her. "Thank you!"

"You are very welcome," Reagen said to her. "Found these for the low price of only twenty bucks from a student at my friend's dorm that was trying to sell some of her old books. Recognized them and got them for you since you are just starting the first one, you'll need the rest to follow. Tried finding the Pretty Little Liar series, if it was there but no dice."

Riley shook her head, the smile still plastered on her face. "No, it's fine. Thank you, Reagan."

"Anytime kid. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish my research paper." She returned to sit down in front of her, putting on her headphones and watching the video. Riley ran her finger over the cover, it was smooth.

It was peaceful here.

As she continued to read she felt that the pessimistic side of her got to her-"Something is going to happen, something bad."

It continued to plague her even as she tried to distract herself with her books, the shows, and even the old 60s music. She tired but even with that, she felt tired. She tried to ignore it but restless nights and the plaguing dark cloud made her think more of what she thought. That all her friends were probably done with Riley, messed up Riley.

Something was going to happen and how right she was. She felt the darkness choke her, waves kept drowning her and she wanted to drown with them. So, after dinner when she was about to take a shower and spied some of the razors her grandpa used, her heart was beating fast. She took one and touched it to her left arm. Poking it until she drew a bit of blood and dragged the first line.

Riley didn't feel anything and felt nothing.

It scared her.

"Riley, I'd like you to meet Rachel McGuire," Her grandma said introducing her parents' old friend to her. Rachel was a blond and very pretty person with a kind smile as she hugged Riley and cheerfully said, "Wow it's a mini Corey... maybe a mini Topanga? Either way, you are a mini-me of your parents."

"It's nice to meet you," Riley responded. Her wrist burned slightly from the cut that she made for herself. She cried after in her room, promising herself that she would never do it again. Never again.

Her grandmother and Rachel chatted while Reagen typed away on her laptop but still contributing to the conversation. Riley felt useless to the conversation so she just continued to read but stopped as the conversation steered to her parents. Apparently, her Uncles Shawn and Eric were heading up to Philly to get Riley. Anxiety spiked in her but kept her eyes on the book.

She pretended to be oblivious until her Grandmother called her name.

"Riley?"

Her head shot up and she braced herself for something, anything. Instead, she was asked what she'd liked to eat for dinner, they were going out to eat.

Riley smiled weakly and said, "A burger."

When Shawn and Eric arrived, Riley had been outside. She could hear loud greetings from a bunch of people. It was muffled by the music she was listening to as she continued to read A Game Of Thrones. She was almost finished with it!

She had just turned the page to Daenerys' chapter when a hand landed on her shoulder. Turning, she thought it might have been Eric or Shawn, instead, it was-"Dad?"

Corey Matthews gave her a big smile. Behind him was Topanga, Eric, and Shawn with a woman standing next to Shawn. She was very pretty, Riley thought to herself.

"Time to go home," He said in his voice the brokered no arguments.

All Riley could hear was the howl of the sea and she felt a big weight slam her to the bottom of the sea.

Her mom asked her about the scratch on her arm but her grandmother mentioned that Riley had gotten a scratch by the old tabby cat that belonged to one of the neighbors. It was a lie that Riley had told her grandparents the day before and it continued to spread.

She packed her stuff like a robot and her body on autopilot as she said her goodbyes. Reagan gave her number to Riley to call and it almost made her cry. Her grandparents hugged her and she hugged back but no strength in it. Her books that Reagan had given to her were put in this tote bag that the older girl had gotten her, the last gift.

It was black with the words white on the front and back.

On it, the words were, Valar Morghulis and on the other side was Dracarys.

For some reason, Riley found them fitting even though she had no idea what they meant she would in time.

As she left to get into her parent's car, Shawn asked her how she has been.

Riley wanted to laugh and scream at the same time. All she did was smile and say, "Fine."