It was like trying to see past hazy smog. She could wander forever in the recesses of her mind, but nothing would make sense. She would see a flash of a memory here, gold hair in the sunlight. The certain way blue eyes would glimmer in the sunlight. The moment she tried to reach for it, actually remember it, it was gone like a stream of smoke, flying away from her in a moment.
She looked in the mirror and didn't know who she was. She hadn't seen this face, this hair, as she was growing up. She didn't remember it. It was like looking into the face of a stranger. It had taken a long time to get used to her pink hair, surprise overtaking her when she realized she didn't dye it. It had taken a long time to look into her own eyes and recognize herself. She didn't feel like she owned this body, especially when she looked into the mirror.
Naruto tried to mention her memories in an attempt to make her feel like she wasn't so shut out and alone. It didn't work. She couldn't share his happiness or his laughter in these memories. She couldn't share his sadness. It was like listening to a story. She remembered the details, yes, but she could never remember the memory itself. Images escaped her. Sounds, smells, the visions that she should have when she remembered something wouldn't come to her. Sometimes, she would get a flash of something. A smell of nostalgia, or a flash of a hallway, but she could never connect them to any real memories. It was like hitting a wall over and over.
It felt confusing, suffocating, frustrating that she couldn't remember anything. She had tried, for months, for years, in therapy to try and recover something. They had said there was nothing wrong with her head. She hadn't hit it. She hadn't had swelling or bleeding. She hadn't lost oxygen at any point. They called it a mental block, but no matter what she did or what she tried, there was no getting those memories back. She had given up. Her family had respected her wishes and so danced around her as if she was a fragile doll.
It was the worst when you don't even know who you are. This was the thought running through her head at this very moment. She was laying on her side on her bed, just staring blankly at the wall. It was the worst that she had nothing inside her. She felt like an empty shell most of the time, going through the stages and the motions of life.
She felt that, if she had her memories, she would remember if she were supposed to have a temper or be soft spoken. She would remember how she should react to specific situations. She would remember what kind of relationship she was supposed to have when she looked at the people around her. Naruto had told her she'd had a huge crush on Sasuke, but she couldn't remember. When she had seen him for the first time, she hadn't really reacted to him. She felt nothing for him even if she was supposed to have a crush on him. She had seen what that reaction caused in him and that troubled her more. He had looked a little let down, almost as if he had feelings for her as well.
These things were troubling. She wished she could remember her thoughts and feelings from the past. This memory block had affected her short term memory as well. It wasn't apparent at first. They thought she was still recovering, until they realized that she couldn't remember certain things for a long period of time. The things that she learned were easy. They seemed to rest somewhere deep inside her and bubbled up when she needed it. She didn't understand it either. However, conversations, appointments, even little things that happened throughout the day, she would forget. She would constantly turn to Naruto to say something and he would already remind her that she had told him already. She would try and give him something little that she'd seen in a shop and he'd have to tell her she'd already gotten him two. Something about it was more frustrating than losing all her memories. She hated that she wouldn't remember such simple things.
"Sakura!" Naruto was banging on the door. "It's time to get up!"
She didn't answer. He was used to it and just left the door. She pushed herself up and fell back onto her bed. She didn't want to get up. She stretched and sighed and pulled herself out of bed. She went to her dresser and pulled out her makeup. She hid the bags under her eyes and brushed on blush to give herself color. She brushed her hair and pinned it up, smoothing it down meticulously. She looked tired. She felt exhausted. Why did she continue this? Day after day, she didn't sleep. She had the deepest fear that she would lose more time. She could hardly feel it passing. Each day seemed to end in the blink of an eye. She couldn't close her eyes, too fearful of losing more time.
She didn't look at her mother when she went down for breakfast. She avoided everyone's eyes. She didn't know when she started doing it, but she really hated when she saw the pity and the misunderstanding. No one understood. They only kept their silence and stared straight through her. She ate her eggs and placed the plate in the sink. She pulled on her backpack and followed Naruto out the door and to the car.
She engaged with Naruto's silly banter, but nothing registered. She was smiling, she could feel it. Everything was a mottled gray color, something she recognized would happen just before a storm. That's how it always looked to her. Everything seemed to have the color drained out of it. Everything seemed rather boring. She had to stop herself from sighing. Naruto would surely know she was thinking of something useless now.
She followed Naruto, who had to stop himself from running and losing her. He was still chatting happily and she had to clap her hands over her ears when he spotted Sasuke. The other boy fell in step beside them. He asked her something, and she responded. She didn't even know what she responded after a moment. Hell, she couldn't remember what he'd asked her.
She checked her phone and a smile came to her face almost automatically.
"What's up?" Sasuke caught the look on her face immediately. Naruto was still talking to himself, not realizing that the two were whispering to each other.
"I'm going to go meet Itachi," she said, already walking off in another direction. She didn't notice Sasuke's disappointed look as she did.
Her world seemed to come to life when she spotted him. He was sitting behind a stairwell near an entrance, a book in his lap. His long hair was tucked into the usual ponytail. He wasn't really reading, not right now. His head was leaned back onto the wall, waiting for Sakura. A smile spread across his face when she bounced into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. He responded in kind, wrapping his arms around her waist.
She didn't know how she should feel in every other aspect of her life, but she knew she loved him. Whenever she caught sight of him, she couldn't help but smile. The story aspect of the world seemed to brighten and color around her. The time she couldn't keep seemed to slow down while she was with him. It was what little recompense she could get from her dreary world.
"How are you doing this morning?" he asked gently. His voice was always so gentle. It was always so calm. She basked in it.
"I'm doing fine," she gave him a glowing smile. "How is Tachi?" she asked, leaning her head into his shoulder.
"Better than fine," he smiled. "Would you like to go to the movies with me this weekend?"
"Oh, sure," he was surprised, but she didn't let it phase her. She didn't know what came over him to ask this, but she wasn't about to say no. She curled into his chest and reveled in his warmth. He was always way too warm. When he wrapped his arms around her, it was the only place she felt safe enough to sleep. He made her feel secured and that she didn't have to worry too much over how she felt about everything.
She felt Itachi's cheek hit her head. He was tired. He was always tired. She didn't know how he even managed to stay awake sometimes. She felt warm. She felt comfortable. She fell asleep like she always did when she was in his arms.
His alarm woke them just before the first bell rung. He was stretching and she was almost falling off his lap. She was giggling as she held onto his neck. He was giving her a smile as he steadied her and let her get to her feet first. She offered him her hand and he took it though he didn't need much help to get up.
Her world slowly turned back to its stormy colors as she walked away from him. She was happy that he couldn't see her face. He would have noticed the way her constant, slight smile slowly vanished from her face. If anything, she really hated to make him worry.
She wouldn't remember what she ate for lunch if it weren't the same thing every single day. It was always a ham sandwich on wheat with cheddar cheese and spinach. She always had a baggie full of carrots and a small container of ranch. There was a sliced apple and a bottle of water. She shared half of it with Itachi, as she always did.
She had to stifle a shiver when she left him again. They always went separate directions. She would glean what she could from their stolen moments together. She wished they could spend time together instead these moments they rarely got. It was frustrating in it's own right and she knew he was frustrated too. She was sure that he didn't have the same reaction as she did when they were together. There was something in his eyes, though, a certain coming to life that she understood all too well. She had a feeling he didn't regularly smile like he did with her. She had a feeling his world was tinged with just a little bit of gray and the color came back just like it did for her. She appreciated it. It was a feeling one could easily explain. They had to know what it felt like.
She met Gaara in study hall. His eyes didn't light up like Itachi's did when he saw her, but she knew he understood. His eyes were tinged with a certain kind of lifelessness that tinged everything she knew. He had the same tired bags under his eyes and he moved with the same kind of practiced hesitancy. He was always on edge. He was always clocking every single person in the room. He was always waiting for someone to say something he didn't want to hear.
He was teaching her math today and she was very thankful for his help. Something about it just connected for him and he shared the connection with her. For all the impatience he showed for everything else, he was rather patient when he played the part of teacher.
His seafoam green eyes were watching her calmly. She didn't like eye contact, but he seemed to thrive off of it. She found herself avoiding his gaze for a completely different reason versus the others. He was searching for something in her eyes. She didn't know what. Was it understanding? Was it the reason why? Was it for camaraderie? She couldn't know. She had to only guess that it had to be that it was answer she would never get.
Gaara would always walk her out to the parking lot, nodding to her friends as he passed them by. He didn't show much emotion as he walked past them. They thought he was creepy, but that was mostly Naruto. Sasuke seemed to have a certain degree of understanding himself. He watched him with a suspicious gaze, but didn't say anything like Naruto tried to. Sakura wished the blond would just give the red head a chance, but he was remaining staunchly opposed. She really didn't understand why, but she would forget until it happened again. It was a constant cycle. She always wanted to say something and would. Then, not even half an hour later, she would forget about both the situation and the things she said and wouldn't remember until the next day. That's how it always was.
She couldn't even remember most of the things she and Itachi spoke about. It was a sudden realization as she was driving everyone home and her hands tightened on the steering wheel. She could remember bits and pieces, especially the really important things. These were things that she turned over and over in her mind so she wouldn't forget. There were things that she would. She couldn't remember his favorite color, though she was sure she'd asked him. She had no clue what his birthday was though she knew she had asked him a dozen times before, wondering if it was getting close. She wouldn't know what his last name was if Sasuke hadn't been her friend so long. Another realization hit her as she was getting out of the car and trailing after the other two. She didn't remember what he'd asked her this morning. She knew that it had been important and that she should, but she just couldn't make the memory come to her.
She was tapping her head with the inside of her wrist when she was coming through the door. Sometimes it helped with words she forgot or the answer that just evaded her. Those things usually came to her. This did not. She shook her head, sighing. Naruto and Sasuke were already in the living room setting up some game. They weren't noticing her having a slight meltdown because her memory couldn't handle the most remedial of things.
She didn't bother going to the living room and headed straight for her room. She sat in the shower for a long while, her head on her knees. She wanted to remember, but if she didn't run it over and over again in her mind it would be gone like the wind. She was trying, so hard, but it was just causing frustration, so much so that she was starting to cry. She wanted to hit herself. She wanted to scream at her own inability.
She laid on her bed after, her arms spread across the blankets, and looked at the ceiling. Everything was silent. She couldn't even hear the boys downstairs. She only heard the ticking of the clock on her nightstand as she stared blankly. No thoughts were running through her head. She couldn't place what she even wanted to think about. She just felt empty and confused. She felt like she was running in one direction, but no matter where she looked there was only fog. She felt as though no one could understand the way she had to live her life just so she could pass off as normal. It was tiring. It was lonely, but she could do nothing else but be alone. She couldn't handle the vapid conversation anymore, not when she wouldn't remember it. She couldn't handle spending time with someone when all she felt was her time running away from her.
Naruto had come up and let her know it was time for dinner, but she didn't move. Her stomach growled in protest, but she didn't move. She didn't really know how to at that point. She just laid there and stared. She didn't sleep that night either, but it was normal. She just stared at the shadows until they were demolished from the sun.
This was why she felt as though she didn't belong on earth. Her brain didn't work the way it should and it was frustrating. She could feel little, if at all, and she couldn't even recognize her own face. She felt a waste. She felt like she should have all the answers, but had none. She felt like the moment she grasped at one, it was gone like the smoke of her memories. She was so tired of reaching out only to find nothing. She was tired of trying so hard only for her head to remind her that she was still living with the same issues she'd had since she woke up.
She wondered what it was like before. She often did when she was awake, staring at the wall or the ceiling. She wondered if she was happy remembering things with Naruto. She wondered if she was happy with how she looked in the mirror. She wondered if her pink hair was natural to her and she hadn't questioned it as she had when she noticed it grew in that color. She just had an inherent feeling that she had none of these problems before. She knew she hadn't been happy. She knew that she had been anorexic. She wished she had the chance to be happy in that life rather than try to navigate this one.
The new day started without any sleep again. She heard Naruto banging on her door.