A?N: Kudos to the person who gets the "rache" book reference!
The Handwriting on the Wall
RACHE. The blood message on one of Hiccup's living room walls read the awful word. Astrid gasped. "Hiccup?" she called into the house, stepping farther into the entry way and pulling the now-sober Camicazi behind her. Books and other articles like keys and scarves were strewn angrily on the floor. Someone unhappy had wrecked it recently, and Astrid hoped Hiccup hadn't been caught in the middle of it.
"Boo."
Astrid's police detective training took over and she spun around and punched whomever was standing behind her in the face. He went sprawling on the ground with a grunt.
"Hey!" Hiccup glared at her, one hand covering his nose. "What's up with you and violence lately? I can't do anything without getting punched."
"I thought you were to person who wrote that!" Astrid flung an arm at the message on the wall. Did he not see it?
Camicazi grabbed a tissue out of a tissue box on Hiccup's bookshelf (which was overly crammed with hardbacks despite the copious amount already on the floor) and handed it to Hiccup. He blotted up his nose, which was bleeding a little. Astrid tried to feel sorry, but he wasn't in danger anymore and she could still hear him talking about her with Camicazi.
"How did that get on there?" Astrid asked, picking her way across couch stuffing. Whoever had wrecked his house had done a thorough job. Hatchet marks gouged every flat surface, although the marks weren't deep which indicated that the culprit was a weak person.
"What's it look like? It was magically written by a rare feather pen from the planet Pluto." Hiccup snapped, bending down to pick up a photograph that was torn into fourths. It was of his mother. "Probably a nosebleed. Whoever it was is weak. They might have a chronic disease which gives them nosebleeds."
"You must have interrupted them," Camicazi remarked. "They didn't finish what they were writing."
"Idiot," Astrid muttered. "Why would someone want to write Rachel on your wall?" Hiccup didn't have an acquaintance with anyone named Rachel as far as Astrid knew...or did he?
Hiccup rolled his eyes. "I'm not an idiot. The blood is dry. And they wrote exactly what they meant to. 'RACHE' is German for revenge."
"Oh." Astrid felt stupid. And she thought she was a great detective!
"At least this proves it's Excellinor," Camicazi remarked, studying the message more closely.
"Yes, it's quite the handwriting on the wall," Hiccup said, smiling wryly at some joke only he would understand.
"Yes, the handwriting on the wall," Astrid repeated, even though she had no idea what it really meant.
Camicazi smirked at her knowingly. "It's time we wrote our own message."
…
"Wheeze. Hup. Wheeze." Snotlout was back on the floor of Gobber's basement, doing push ups. He could actually manage to get off the floor now, but only for two inches. Everyone else was gathered around on the couches, somewhat soberly.
Hiccup cleared his throat. "How's your aunt, Fishlegs?"
Fishlegs beamed. "Fine. She's doing a lot better. Thanks for asking."
Ruffnut and Tuffnut grinned wickedly at each other. "Did she like the card we sent?" they asked in unison.
"ImighthavetoldthehospitaltodestroyallcardsfromanyonenamedThorsen," Fishlegs coughed into his fist.
"Are we done with the pleasantries?" Camicazi demanded. "Ya'll are boring me to death."
Astrid snorted to herself. "Yes, we should get started," she grudgingly agreed.
"I have an idea!" Tuffnut announced, raising his hand high in the air and waving it back and forth. "We lure Mrs. Excellinor into a building and blow it up!"
"No," Astrid immediately vetoed.
"Wheeze." Snotlout sounded like he was choking.
"I think Tuffnut has an idea, Astrid," Hiccup said thoughtfully.
She shot him an incredulous look. Now he was agreeing with the twins? Had Camicazi slipped something into his coffee? Because he had gone nuts.
"Don't get me wrong," Hiccup said, catching her look. "I don't think we should blow up anything if we can help it."
"Aw!" The twins and even Camicazi pouted.
"But what if we set a trap?" Hiccup continued.
"And use what as bait?" Astrid asked sarcastically. "What if we put a mouse trap in the middle of the road and hope she sticks her finger in it?"
"We could use Hiccup as the cheese," Snotlout snickered, abandoning his workout session and collapsing on the couch next to Fishlegs, who wrinkled his nose.
"Yeah, dress him up in a cheddar head costume," Ruffnut put in.
"We aren't doing it, and that's final." Astrid crossed her arms. "Any more serious suggestions?"
"They might be on to something, Astrid," Camicazi said, narrowing her eyes. "We actually could use Hiccup as bait."
"We aren't going to use Hiccup as bait." Astrid narrowed her eyes.
"Why not?" Snotlout spoke up. "He's the perfect worm. For some reason, Excellinor hates his guts. She wouldn't be able to resist!"
"It's too dangerous," Astrid stated firmly. The rest of the room didn't agree.
"Don't be such a mother goose, Astrid."
"Dangerous is our middle name!"
"Do you want to catch her or not?"
"I thought you liked action? Are you getting chicken in your old age?"
Astrid was faced with seven pairs of eyes, one unhuman. She admitted defeat. "We could use that abandoned umbrella factory," she suggested. "Anybody got a floor plan?"
Hiccup hauled himself out of his seat in an instant and started rifling through his myriad of drawers. He muttered to himself, tossing papers and greasy stuff all over the already messy work benches
Then, Astrid noticed something hilarious. A dragon tail (shrunk for size) was dragging on the floor behind Hiccup, twitching with his movements. Camicazi stifled a giggle and Astrid disguised her laughs as coughs.
"Aha!" Hiccup cried in triumph, oblivious to his new appendage. He turned around and waved the papers in the air before seeing that everyone was having fits of laughter.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Do I have oil or something on my nose?"
"Your...tail!" Snotlout gasped, holding his sides. "Nice, cuz!"
A confused look came over Hiccup's face. "My...tail?" He tried to look behind his back to see what they were talking about, but ended up going in awkward circles with his crutch, much like a dog chasing his own tail. This only caused them to laugh harder.
"If you're all done," Hiccup sulked, "I have the floor plans!" He waved them again. Stifling her laughs, Astrid got up and snatched them from his hands. Carefully, she laid them out on the circular table. Everyone gathered in closer to get a good look.
"These aren't drawn correctly. There's a hole right here." Fishlegs pointed out, trying to be helpful. He was correct, Astrid could see. In several places, the drawings left out huge chunks, mostly around one area.
"That's not an error," Hiccup said, looking at the place Fishlegs was indicating. "I did tell you that I've blown up one or two buildings. Remember when I ended up in the backseat of your car, Astrid?"
"You've blown up a building?" Tuffnut cried.
"That's so cool!" Ruffnut gushed. "What kind of explosives do you use?"
"What level was the explosion on the rector scale?"
Astrid saved him from having to answer. "I thought that this factory made umbrellas. What's this sector of here for?" she asked, pointing. The part she was talking about wasn't actually part of the factory building. It was slightly off to the side and was a large platform that had a ramp leading up to it. Around the platform (which was big enough to hold several cars) were chutes of various sizes.
"Before it made umbrellas, it was a coal processing plant. The industrial revolution at work!" Hiccup was such a nerd.
"I'm thinking of a revolution for food," Snotlout groaned, rubbing his stomach. "I'm hungry."
"No, you're not," Astrid told him, glaring.
"We can use the chutes to our advantage," Fishlegs suggested, "if we could find a way to hide in them."
Hiccup laughed. "Anybody want to step in time?"
Ruffnut made a gagging sound.
"Not everybody has seen the movie," Camicazi reminded him. Somehow, she had managed to swipe a pen from Fishlegs's pocket protector and was doodling on her hand.
"If happy little blue birds dream, why can't I?" Hiccup asked.
"Someone call him," Tuffnut muttered. "Tell him to be quiet."
Ruffnut jabbed her twin in the stomach with her elbow. "Take your own advice, why don't you."
"Why don't you take your advice and-"
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" Astrid bellowed, ending the argument before it could even start. If she didn't do something, they were never going to get anything done.
Camicazi took the cue. "The twins, Fishlegs, and Snotlout will hide in the shoots, ready to be the back up. Astrid, Hiccup, and I will be actually on the platform, waiting for Excellinor."
Astrid frowned. "Why do you need to be there?"
"Takes a thief to catch a thief." Camicazi twirled the pen between her fingers as if to prove her point.
"Why do you need to be there, Astrid?" Snotlout whined. "I'm just as capable, if not more! I've been doing push ups!"
Astrid snorted. "Oh, yeah? This I got to see. You couldn't beat me in an arm wrestle if I had a broken arm. Tell you what, I'll even use my left hand."
"It's on, Hofferson!" Snotlout cleared a space on the table. Hiccup, the twins, and Camicazi traded bets. Fishlegs, looking nervous, abstained. The fact that Camicazi bet against Astrid only gave her more fuel for the coming duel.
Astrid and Snotlout knelt and locked hands over the table, staring each other in the eye like wolves.
"You say go. Loser buys the winner coffee for two years." Astrid didn't want him to claim that she had had an unfair advantage later if she were the one to say go.
"Deal. Three, two, one, GO!" Snotlout started before the go, but Astrid was prepared for the trick. As easy as cutting melted butter, Astrid slammed his hand into the table top, making the connection with a nasty crack. She let go of his hand and Snotlout snatched it to his chest, whimpering.
Hiccup have her a withering look as he collected his money from Camicazi. "We need him in one piece, you know."
Astrid refused to wither. "You'll be thanking me when you get a sip of the finest of Berk's Beastly Brews. Any others?" Head shakes went around the room faster than a virus. "Now that everything's settled. What's the rest of the plan?"
"Hopefully she'll go without a fight, but I think we should have tasers or something. It won't be like how it was with Alvin though. It would be good if we could get a confession so that we don't have to revert to, ah..." Hiccup carefully chose his words. "Slightly illegal means."
"I've been practicing my knot tying skills in case we have to tie anyone up!" Ruffnut declared proudly. As to demonstrate, she tied her and Tuffnut's hair into a bird's nest.
"Got any gadgets?" Camicazi asked, leaning back and stifling a yawn.
"Maybe a recording device? We shouldn't need anything fancy. After all, Excellinor's most likely sick with cancer or leukemia and won't have much energy for a fight. Her son had all of the brains in the family, so she won't be that prepared." Hiccup started checking off an imaginary list with his fingers. "We'll need safety harnesses for the those in the chutes. What else? Blocks for the actual chutes to make sure no one slides back down. Has anybody seen my screwdriver?"
"And he's off, folks!" Camicazi announced, pretending to shoot a gun into the air.
"Back the T. Rex up!" Astrid knew that when Hiccup got on a roll, there was little one could do to stop him. "How are you going to get Excellinor out there?" It wasn't like Excellinor was going to go on a walk in an abandoned, creepy factory for the pure fun of it.
Hiccup glanced up. "Hmm? Oh, I'll think of something."
A scary thought crossed Astrid's mind. "You're not going to do anything pea-brained, are you?"
Camicazi did her trademark cackle. "Him? Never."