Chapter 7

It has been two weeks since we left the city. We managed to get to the edge of the city during the same day, hours after leaving Merle on the roof of that building. Very quickly we learned that the surrounding areas were just as dangerous as the city. We have lost two members of the group already and we are living off cold canned food and whatever we can hunt, which isn't much. Morale in the group has plummeted since, but we keep moving forward, hoping that we will find some signs of other bands of people. Rick is always scanning the area, hoping to see his wife or son. I think sometimes he even thinks that he sees them; I see his face changing as he focuses on walkers in the distance or when we pass by a car with dead people inside. The realisation hits him when he realises it isn't them, a mixture of relief and sadness is visible on features and I see him break a little bit every moment we go without finding them. Glenn is partially talking to me after an awkward moment we had after we left the forest.

We had been so relieved at having left the city, finally, that we had all set up camp to rest up before marching ahead the following day. Glenn had asked if I wanted to help collect wood to stoke up a fire. I had agreed, and we ended up finding an expanse of water which was far too inviting. I knew the dangers of swimming in water with walkers potentially being hidden beneath the depths, but I was so eager to bathe my skin that I wasn't thinking at all. Within moments of finding the lake, I disrobed and stepped gingerly into the cool water. I welcomed the way it felt against my skin and felt almost euphoric as the water lapped against me. The only part of me uncovered were my head, neck and shoulders.

The moment was so intense, I had forgotten that Glenn had been with me. He had watched as I had stripped out my clothes and had remained unmoved, still staring as I bathed my skin. I looked up and our eyes met, a moment that felt right, at that moment. Suddenly, I wanted to feel his touch on my skin, and I beckoned him in, not thinking of what this would do to our friendship. At that moment, nothing else mattered. Glenn didn't hesitate and without taking his eyes from me, he removed his shirt, jeans and shoes; his half naked body moving into the water, getting closer and closer to me. I felt my pulse quickening, and my thighs quivered as he neared, my hands reaching for him and encircling his neck, as his went around my waist. All abandonment was lost, and we pressed our mouths together, whilst our hands moved up and down one another's bodies…but the spark I had been craving was missing, and within moments I felt like I was kissing a sibling. My hands movement slowed, as too did my kisses and Glenn pulled away, a look of confusion spread across his face.

'Are you okay?'

I felt nervous about telling him that I wasn't feeling this. I could see on his face that he was, and I knew that what I said next would cause a dent in our friendship.

'I'm sorry Glenn, I can't do this.'

Glenn's hands pulled away from me, but he remained close, his eyes searching my face for an answer to my sudden change of heart.

'I am sorry….'

I didn't really know what else to say, I felt lost for words and I didn't want to hurt him. I internally bashed myself for leading this kind, thoughtful guy on.

Glenn looked from my face back to the bank, and started moving away from me, not saying a word. I wasn't sure I was happy with this response. I didn't want the awkwardness of having to explain why I had changed my mind, but at the same time the silence from him was killing me.

'Glenn…'

He turned to me then and looked me squarely in the eye.

'Let me leave with just an ounce of self-respect Jen, yeah? I get it, you aren't interested…you kissed me and thought of your brother, yadda yadda yadda. Do you know how often I have heard that? I am always the friend of the hot girl…and that's it….Even during the apocalypse I can't get a fucking break….'

I didn't know what to say, so I let him walk out of the water without saying another word. I wish I could feel something for him. Glenn would never hurt me, and I know that he would be loyal, but I have always been looking for excitement. I want someone to really fill me with passion…someone who will keep me interested from day one. Someone who will piss me off and who I will lust over all at the same time. I know I am unlikely to meet that person when I am currently surviving in a world that has ended, but I can but hope. I left the water myself, redressed and went back to where the group were gathered.

It has been almost two weeks and Glenn hasn't spoken to me much, apart from asking me the odd question, or passing me food. I miss him. I know he is angry because I didn't want more from him in that way, but I miss him as a friend.

We are now packing up our camp, having spent the night before here. We are all rested and fed, so we are hoping to cover more ground today. There have been track marks along some of the roads caused by a vehicle, ones that Rick thinks are quite recent, so we are following those. Let's hope we find what we are looking for.

Rick sits down next to me, the sun setting ahead of us a reminder that the day is almost over. We have travelled some miles, but the tracks which we were following ended and we are now back to square one. I sigh heavily, my legs are aching from the hours of walking and I wriggle my shoeless toes. I look at Rick, and smile, although he is elsewhere in mind. The end of the day marks another one that he is away from his family and he is showing the toll of restless sleep and long days. Our backs are resting against the tree trunk behind us.

'Here.'

He hands me a can with a small portion of beans inside, my stomach groans and I accept the offering. In my past life, before the outbreak, I hated beans and now it is welcomed gratefully as though it is cake. I tuck in and Rick remains quiet next to me, allowing me to finish. After my final mouthful, I put the can to one side and wipe my mouth on my sleeve, knowing how unladylike I must have looked when I shovelled the food in.

'Thanks, I didn't realise how hungry I was.'

Rick smiles but doesn't look at me. His eyes remain fixed on the setting sun; eyes that twinkle and if possible, become bluer. I look at them transfixed, watching as the colour changes shade depending on the light hitting them. My mind wanders briefly, and I wonder how a kiss from Rick would feel. His eyes meet mine and the colour rushes to my cheeks and I look away quickly, putting my attention onto the grass beneath my feet instead.

'Is everything okay with you and Glenn?'

His voice comes out thick and strong, and I want to look back up into his face, but I don't trust myself. I have been conscious of my attraction to Rick since I helped to look after him in the hospital. Feeling like my own 'while you were sleeping' moment, I felt drawn to him, and I was more than just a little cut up when I had to leave him behind. And then when I saw him alive and well, my attraction for him increased. I know that these feelings will do me no good. I want to look at him, I want to grab him and find out what his lips taste of, but instead I continue to look down at the floor whilst I answer his question.

'Yeah, everything's fine…'

I choose to lie, because the alternative conversation would be too embarrassing. Its possible he may take Glenn's side and think that I lead him on, which in a way I suppose I did. Like most of my life, I jumped in feet first before thinking what the consequences would be. I had felt a feeling at that moment in the lake and rather than considering what it may do to mine and Glenn's friendship, I had dived right in and screwed things up.

I hear Rick sigh deeply beside me, a sound that tells me that he doesn't believe me, but I know he isn't going to probe me any further.

My eyes come back up and rest on his face, and I see that his eyes are still on me. I smile, a blush sweeping across my face again. There is a moment that passes between us, it is small and quick, I know that Rick is wrestling with himself as we stare at one another a little bit too long. Without meaning to, I look down at his lips and bite my own. His profile shifts and my eyes go back onto his. That moment lasted maybe a second, but my heart is reacting to him. My body is leaning towards him, our arms touch, and I focus on his mouth. Will I finally feel the excitement that I have been craving?

'I love my wife.'

I am pulled back to reality and look away from him.

'I know you do.'

'I am lonely…,' he says this with pain in his voice and I feel both guilt and regret for allowing the moment to be tainted again by my hunger to feel excitement with another person.

My hand feels for his and I grip it tightly, wanting to show that I understand, although I still feel attracted to him. We sit there for some time, our hands entwined. My heartbeat is returning to normal and I realise that I sit with a man who is craving the love of his wife. I am pulled towards him as he encompasses a man who is strong. He is someone I feel safe with. Are we mistaking our mixed feelings for attraction? When really, we are both wanting someone or something else? Maybe Rick will never be what I want, and I know for sure that I will never be his wife. I take my hand away from his, before standing up. I look out across the horizon and wonder where my family may be if they survived the outbreak. Our farmhouse was set away from the nearest town and I hope that this mean they are all safe. My Dad, my Sisters and brother were all that mattered to me, damn it…I even cared what had happened to my stepmother, and we had never been on the best of terms. I looked back down at Rick and I see that there are tears running down his face, my gut reaction is to comfort and to help him through his pain, but I feel at a loss as to what to do. Do I tap his shoulder? Do I hug him? Do I offer him a shoulder to cry on?

Sensing my pause, Rick looks up, rubbing his eyes briskly away.

'I'm alright…you should go get some rest before we head off again in the morning.'

And with that, I am dismissed. I display a sympathetic smile and leave him, as he suffers this pain alone.