English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Requiem
"Again, thank you for meeting me."
"No problem. I'm glad we had this meeting."
As Athrun left a conference room, he shook hands with a White Coat of ZAFT he had had a meeting with today. The White Coat was the one in charge of looking after Orb soldiers participating in the soldier exchange program between Orb and PLANT.
Last month, Athrun had assumed his duties as the Defense Attaché at the Orb Embassy in PLANT. The participants of the exchange program were supposed to arrive at PLANT next week; today, Athrun had come to the ZAFT Headquarters to make sure ZAFT was prepared to take in the Orb soldiers. The soldier exchange program was a part of the attempt to mend the relationship between two countries after the recent war during which they had fought as enemies. He couldn't possibly let it fail, which might affect the still fragile peace. Thankfully, the White Coat he had just talked with seemed to share his sentiments. The meeting had gone well and Athrun was feeling satisfied.
He and the White Coat exchanged goodbyes with salutes, and he started to walk toward the elevators, meaning to return to the Orb Embassy. But then, someone called his name. He turned around to find a middle-aged man coming toward him. The man seemed to have just come out of a room down the corridor.
"Mr. Amalfi," Athrun said with surprise, making a salute.
"It's been a while, Athrun," the man said with a smile and his own salute.
Yuli Amalfi had resigned as a member of the PLANT Supreme Committee after the First Bloody Valentine War, though he still worked for the National Defense Committee. Athrun had heard that the man's resignation had been because of his support for Athrun's father, and felt somewhat guilty. But Yuli didn't seem to harbor any negative feelings toward Athrun. Or he hid them well if he had any.
"Yes, it's been years," Athrun politely replied. "I haven't seen you around since I came back to PLANT last month."
"Well, I was assigned to assess the damages military facilities in all the colonies endured during the war," Yuli explained. "So I haven't been here much for the past months. I barely had the time to congratulate Chairwoman Clyne on the ascension."
At the mention of Lacus, Athrun discreetly but carefully observed Yuli's expression. Last time they had talked, the man had shown his clear disapproval of the pinkette's action. But this time, Yuli looked neutral. He might be pretending, but then, their last conversation had taken place before Athrun's father's true intention, exterminating Naturals, became clear and Lacus and her comrades, including Athrun himself, stopped two wars. Maybe Yuli's opinion on the songstress and those who fought along with her had genuinely changed. Athrun sincerely hoped so.
He was aware that there were people who believed what he and his comrades had done, either stopping Patrick or stopping Dullindal, was wrong. He was prepared to face them and their criticism, or their accusation concerning his defecting from ZAFT twice. But he preferred Yuli, his late friend's father, not to be one of them.
The man in question seemed to be regarding Athrun's clothes, which was a uniform of the Orb's military. A complex expression crossed Yuli's face, but he quickly put on another smile.
"I've heard you're working at the Orb Embassy now. How are you doing?" Yuli asked in a casual voice.
"Well, I just started, but I'm trying to do my best. I'm honored to have been assigned to this position."
Yuli nodded. "I'm glad Orb seems to have been treating you well."
Athrun nodded back with a smile. Before either of them spoke again, someone called out.
"Athrun."
He looked over his shoulder. He was used to seeing familiar faces in ZAFT facilities. This time, it was his best friend who had come to PLANT together with Athrun after the previous war and was now working as a White Coat of ZAFT. Kira was walking toward them, his hand raised and his face smiling. Judging from the mobile computer the brunet was holding in the other arm, just like Athrun was doing with his, Kira probably had had a meeting as well or was going to have one.
Athrun began raising his own hand, but the next moment, cold fear gripped him. His head snapped back toward the person he had been talking with. The father of his late friend. The father of the person Kira had killed.
Panicked, Athrun stared at the man who looked back with a puzzled face, then at his friend who had just reached them. With horror, he watched his two companions exchange courteous smiles.
Kira tilted his face. "Hello. Am I interrupting something?"
"Hello, Commander Yamato. Don't worry. We were just chatting," Yuli replied politely. "I believe we haven't met properly, by the way. I'm Yuli Amalfi. I work for the National Defense Committee." He held out a hand. "Nice to meet you."
Kira took the hand. "Nice to meet you, too. We'll probably see each other around then."
"I suppose so."
Meanwhile, Athrun was paralyzed, not being able to believe his eyes and ears, how the two people in front of him were acting. It seemed as if there were no hard feelings between them, as if Nicol's death had never happened.
Was it possible that they had already talked about it, without Athrun knowing, and settled things between them? He shook his head internally. Yuli had just said he and Kira had not met properly before. How could they have had such a deep conversation then?
Were they just trying to be civil because they didn't want to cause a ruckus? Yuli might have decided to accept Kira for PLANT's sake, because Kira was now working for his country; Kira might be trying to act normal in respect for the man's—
"Athrun?"
He blinked, pulled out of his thoughts. Both Kira and Yuli were looking at him quizzically.
"You looked out of it," Kira said, then studied Athrun's face. "You haven't been cutting out your sleep again, have you?"
Athrun shook his head. "No, I was just..." His gaze moved between his companions. "...thinking about something."
Kira was still sending him a skeptical look. "Probably you need a break, a distraction," he suggested. "It's not good for you to be always thinking about your work."
"I wasn't thinking about my work," Athrun retorted.
"About what, then?"
Not knowing what to say, he looked between Kira and Yuli again.
Yuli cleared his throat. "Well, I think I'd better go now. It was nice talking to you, Athrun, Commander Yamato."
"It was nice talking to you, too. See you then," Kira politely said with a salute.
Athrun automatically saluted as well, though silently. Yuli returned the salutes, turned his back toward Athrun and Kira, and started walking down the corridor.
Athrun waited until Yuli was out of earshot, then asked in a concerned voice which he still lowered just in case, "Are you okay?" It must have been hard for Kira to talk to a family member of a person he had killed.
However, Kira blinked with a puzzled look. "Sure." The brunet then regarded Athrun. "In fact, it seems I should be the one asking that question. You don't look so well. Are you sure you haven't been skipping meals or sleep?" He dropped his voice. "If you don't take care of yourself properly, I have to tell Cagalli. You wouldn't want to get scolded by her, would you?" There was a mixture of teasing and concern in his face.
With bewilderment, Athrun stared at his best friend who was acting in a perfectly normal way.
"I...um, I'm fine." Then, unable to drop the subject, he added, "I thought you might be feeling...down after talking to Mr. Amalfi."
Kira looked at him with a face saying he had absolutely no idea what Athrun was talking about. "Why would I be feeling down because of Mr. Amalfi? He seemed like a nice person."
Kira's clear inability to understand Athrun's concern put Athrun in a deeper confusion. But then, a thought struck him, which rendered him speechless with his eyes widened for a minute and made Kira look at him even more oddly.
"Athrun? Is something wrong?"
"You don't know who he is," Athrun finally managed.
Kira gave him a confused face again. "You mean Mr. Amalfi? Was I supposed to know about him?"
Athrun hesitated before shaking his head uncertainly. He wasn't sure how to tell Kira, or even whether to tell him to begin with.
Although he had told Kira a few things about Nicol, he didn't recall having ever mentioned Nicol's last name. Kira couldn't know Yuli was Nicol's father unless he had heard that Yuli had had a son called Nicol who had died during the First Bloody Valentine War, who had been killed by the Strike.
It must be the same with Yuli. The man probably didn't know who Kira was, or rather, didn't know that Kira was the person who had killed his son. Other than the Archangel Crew, only a handful of people were aware that Kira had piloted the Strike before the Freedom.
The Earth Forces probably had some records, but there was no way Yuli could access to them. And as far as Athrun knew, there was no official report about the identity of the Strike's pilot in ZAFT. He had witnessed his father and Raww Le Klueze agreeing to conceal the information because it wasn't convenient for them; Athrun had avoided mentioning who the pilot of the Strike was, or that the said pilot was a Coordinator, in his later reports as his father had told him to.
Therefore, Yuli couldn't know about his "connection" to Kira unless Kira himself or one of the people who knew about it told him. And those people were mostly Kira's friends or comrades and unlikely to reveal his secret, which could harm Kira's position in PLANT and ZAFT. As far as ZAFT and PLANT—including Nicol's parents—were concerned, the pilot of the Strike had been killed in the First Bloody Valentine War, by none other than Athrun himself.
While Athrun was almost amazed at this realization, Kira was lecturing him on the importance of taking proper meals and rest. He seemed to have chalked Athrun's "weird" behavior up to his workaholic lifestyle.
Making non-committal sounds, Athrun wondered what he should do. He was reluctant to dredge up a memory that must be painful for Kira to relive. But at the same time...
He sent a glance in the direction Yuli had left, though the man was already gone from his sight. He let out a long sigh.
At the same time, he felt guilty about having said nothing to Yuli, just standing by and watching the man act amicably toward the person who had killed his son with no clue. He even felt he had betrayed Nicol's memories by his silence. Was he really all right with continuing to do that, with keeping Yuli in dark? He couldn't believe it was the right thing to do.
But then again, if he was going to tell Yuli, and his wife, about Kira, he wanted to let Kira know about it before he actually did it, lest Yuli, driven by rage, ambushed Kira who had no idea and opened the brunet's wound in a brutal way.
To sum it up, Athrun had to talk with Kira about Nicol if he wanted to do the right thing, which might hurt his best friend. Torn between his loyalty to Kira and that to Nicol, torn between his desire to protect the person he loved and cared about and his desire to do what was right, he felt completely stuck.
Tousling his hair with frustration, he heaved an even longer sigh.
"You're not listening to me, are you, Athrun?"
He blinked at the voice, then looked at its owner. "Huh?"
Kira exhaled a dramatic sigh. "You know, you have a tendency to get absorbed with your own thoughts even when you're with someone or even when you're talking with them. I know you mean no offense, but it's rude to ignore people."
Athrun lifted his shoulder, feeling a little bad. "Ah...sorry."
Kira shrugged, accepting the apology, then offered, "If you're upset about something, I can listen."
"Thanks, but...it's all right," Athrun replied.
Kira was one of the few people Athrun could confide in about personal stuff. But right now, Kira was part of why Athrun was distressed. Kira couldn't possibly help Athrun on this matter.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
Kira regarded Athrun for a moment before giving a nod. "Okay."
Athrun knew Kira wasn't convinced. The brunet had just decided to let it pass this time.
They soon parted ways since it was still early afternoon and both of them had some work to do. On his way to the Orb Embassy, the question of what to do with Kira and Yuli kept nagging Athrun. He could push it toward the back of his mind while taking care of his work, but it came back to torment him as he left the Embassy for home in the evening.
With exhaustion which had nothing to do with his job, he entered his room and automatically booted up his computer. He logged into his personal e-mail account as he did almost every day and found a new e-mail from his girlfriend. As he saw the name of the sender, an idea popped up in his head.
Cagalli was another person he felt comfortable talking about his problems with. And she knew somewhat about the circumstances of Nicol's death. Maybe she could help him.
He silently debated. He didn't like to make her worried, about him and about Kira. But he also knew she would prefer him to tell her what was upsetting him. Not to mention dwelling on negative thoughts without talking to anyone rarely led to finding a good solution. It just made your head a hamster, as she had told him years ago.
Still, a part of him was reluctant to reveal his weakness even to Cagalli. Therefore, he made a compromise. He was going to sleep over this problem and give himself...three days. If he was still feeling lost when the time was up, he would ask for Cagalli's help.
Deciding so, he sat at his desk and started reading Cagalli's e-mail.
Noticing a maid entered the room, Kira looked up from his mobile computer. She announced the arrival of a guest he had been waiting for as the guest followed her into the room.
Feeling a little awkward for he still had not gotten used to having servants, Kira put the computer aside and stood up with a smile.
"Thank you. Hey, Athrun."
"Hey." Athrun nodded in greeting.
The blunet seemed somewhat nervous, which wasn't unexpected. Kira had assumed that Athrun wanted to have a somewhat serious talk when Athrun had sent an e-mail a few days ago and asked whether he could visit the official residence of the Chairwoman of PLANT where Kira lived because there was something he wanted to discuss with him.
Athrun wasn't the kind of person who used minor matters as an excuse to make a social visit. The topic Athrun wanted to talk about must be important, though it didn't necessarily mean something huge had happened. It could be just that Athrun was having a problem with his co-workers and wanted Kira's advice or something of the sort. Socializing had never been the blunet's forte, and this wouldn't be the first time Kira helped him in the area.
The maid who had brought Athrun left the room with a curtsy. As Kira and Athrun sat down on sofas, across from each other with a table between them, another maid came in with a tray with two cups of tea and a plate of cookies.
After thanking the maid, Kira took a cookie and put it in his mouth, waiting for the maid to leave. He knew Athrun wouldn't talk about whatever he wanted to while someone else was present.
The maid left the room, and he observed Athrun while munching the cookie, thinking the blunet might want to start talking without being prompted. But Athrun was silently sitting, appearing hesitant. In no hurry, Kira finished the cookie and sipped his tea before he moved on to talking.
"So, is everything okay at your workplace?"
"Huh? Ah, yeah. It's all right," Athrun replied half-heartedly.
"Well, that's good to hear," Kira said, internally debating whether he should push harder.
But then, Athrun took in a deep breath and looked at him. "I came today to talk about Mr. Amalfi."
Kira was taken by surprise. "You mean...the Mr. Amalfi who was talking with you the other day when we met at the ZAFT Headquarters?"
"Yes." Athrun swallowed. "He is...Nicol's father."
Kira blinked, not recognizing the name right away. Then, a voice rung in his head, screaming the name. It was the voice of his best friend who was sitting in front of him and looking at him worriedly.
Another voice followed: "Athrun, run... Mom...my...piano..."
He had heard it through the communication line between his mobile suit and Athrun's. The blunet had had another line open at that time, one with his comrade's mobile suit, and the voice from the other line had reached not just Athrun's ears, but Kira's as well.
"The Blitz," Kira murmured. Athrun silently nodded.
The shock, the feeling that he had done a horrifyingly wrong thing, he had felt then returned to twist Kira's heart. It had not been his first time to kill someone, but hearing the final words of the person whose life he took had made it acutely clearer to him that it was people he was fighting and killing, people no different from him. Not to mention the pilot of the Blitz had died trying to help his comrade and friend, who was also Kira's friend, and been concerned about Athrun's safety even while he was dying.
"That's why you were acting weird when we—I met Mr. Amalfi." Kira voiced the realization after a long moment.
"Yes," Athrun replied. "I wasn't sure if I should tell you who he was. I've been wondering since then. I...want to tell Nicol's parents about you." He closed his mouth to assess Kira's reaction.
Kira gave a vague nod. He could understand why Athrun wanted to do it, but wasn't sure how he himself felt about it.
Athrun continued, "I don't want to do it before I make sure you are okay with it, but I didn't know if it was all right to tell you about Mr. Amalfi, about Nicol, in the first place. So, I talked to Cagalli about it via e-mail. She told me you'd known this kind of thing might happen before coming to PLANT, and that you were strong enough to face this."
"Yeah. She and me talked a bit about it."
The memory came back to Kira's mind. Both he and Cagalli had been aware of the possibility of Kira running into someone whose loved one he had killed during the wars, and she had been concerned about him. But he had still chosen to move to PLANT and join ZAFT. And his sister not only had supported his choice, but also put faith in him.
The knowledge made him feel more settled, calmed down. He was prepared for this. It had not come out of the blue; he had expected it to happen sooner or later.
A wry smile appeared on Athrun's lips. "She also reminded me we couldn't shelter you from every pain—and we shouldn't anyway. You can and are supposed to take care of yourself." Then he straightened his face, staring hard into Kira's eyes. "But she told me to tell you she'd be there for you while you were going through this. ...I will be, too," he added shyly.
The blunet had never been eager to talk about his sentiments or emotions, but his girlfriend had apparently been rubbing off on him.
A small smile tugged at Kira's lips. "I know," he said simply but with sincerity. "I appreciate that."
Some of the tension in Athrun's body seemed to leave. Kira picked up his cup and took a sip. The tea had cooled. Athrun sipped his tea as well and a thoughtful silence fell in the room. Slowly drinking his tea, Kira gathered his thoughts.
Putting his empty cup on the table, he opened his mouth. "It's all right if you tell the Amalfis about me."
Athrun looked at him, silently asking whether he was certain.
Kira continued, taking care to keep his voice calm, "You're right to want to tell them. They have the right to know." He paused. "When you visit them, will you ask them...no, tell them I'd like to talk with them if they don't mind it?"
Athrun regarded him with surprise, then concern. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I think I need to hear what they have to say to me. I at least owe it to them. Besides," Kira added, lifting the corners of his lips, "we can't understand each other or live together unless we properly face each other and talk, right?"
Athrun still had an uncertain expression for a few moments, but eventually nodded. "I suppose you are right." His face turned hesitant as he continued, "But it's possible the Amalfis refuse to talk with you."
"I know," Kira said.
He was aware that the Amalfis might hate him too much to have a talk with him. And even if they agreed to meet him, it could be so that they could hurl a bitter accusation in his face.
Some people, including Athrun, had forgiven him for killing their loved one, but not everyone would, Kira knew. Those people's anger and hatred were what he had to face and accept. He had decided not to run away from being a warrior, from his abilities and his past. He had chosen to remain a mobile suit pilot, to continue fighting his battle. Then, he had to confront people he had hurt, people from whom he had taken someone important. He believed that was what it meant to accept his sins and his past.
He gave Athrun a reassuring smile. "But I still wanna try. So, ask them, please. Any time and place they choose."
Athrun smiled in kind. "Okay. I'll do it."
It was Romina Amalfi, Nicol's mother, who opened the door of the Amalfi residence and welcomed Athrun. She looked a little thinner than Athrun remembered, but gave him a warm smile which reminded him of her son.
"Hello, Athrun. You look...grown up." For a moment, sadness flickered across her face, though she quickly hid it. "It's good to see you've become a fine young man. Come inside. Yuli's waiting for you."
Athrun politely smiled. "Thank you, Mrs. Amalfi. It's nice to see you again."
Last week, a couple of days after he had visited Kira, he had called Yuli's office and expressed his desire to visit his home and talk with both Yuli and his wife. Yuli had seemed understandably surprised, but accepted Athrun's request. They had decided on this Sunday afternoon.
As Athrun entered the living room, Yuli stood up from a sofa.
"Welcome, Athrun."
"Good afternoon, Mr. Amalfi."
Athrun shook the man's hand before stepping around the table to take a seat in another sofa. He slowed down as his eyes caught the sight of a photo frame on a cabinet. Inside the frame was a picture of a green-haired boy smiling with a bouquet of red roses in his hands.
Noticing what had caught Athrun's attention, Yuli came to his side and said wistfully, "It was a photo from Nicol's last concert. Regrettably, I missed the concert due to work. I didn't think..." His voice trailed off.
Sensing Yuli had been going to say that he had not thought it would be Nicol's last concert, Athrun looked down.
After a moment of pensive silence, Yuli cleared his throat. "Well, but I heard you attended that concert, didn't you?"
"Yes. I'm not very knowledgeable about music, but I think it was a good concert."
To be honest, Athrun wasn't much interested in music, and had had to struggle to stay awake a few times during the concert in question. But he wouldn't admit it even in a different occasion. Besides, the concert had truly seemed great, judging from the reaction of the audience. Not to mention Nicol had looked happy with his performance.
Athrun and Yuli gazed at the photograph silently for a little while until Romina returned from the kitchen with a tray. She stopped as she realized what her husband and her guest were doing. Her expression faltered for a moment, but she put on a smile.
"Do you like your coffee black, Athrun? Or would you like some sugar and milk?"
"I'd like it black, thank you," Athrun answered, sitting down on a sofa.
Yuli also turned his back on the photo and returned to his seat a little hurriedly. After placing three cups on the table, Romina settled down next to her husband. They all took a sip from their cups, and Yuli opened his mouth.
"So, Athrun, you said, there is something you want to tell us?"
Athrun put down his cup and took a deep breath before saying, "Yes. It's about the Strike—about its pilot."
The Amalfis showed surprise, then their faces turned somewhat strained.
"What about him?" Yuli asked in a careful tone.
"As you know, I self-destructed the Aegis and succeeded in destroying the Strike. At that time, I believed the pilot had died along with his mobile suit. But...he didn't. He escaped and is still alive."
Both of Nicol's parents widened their eyes. Yuli grabbed his knees as if trying to keep his balance or prevent himself from moving. Romina took a shuddering breath and slightly opened her mouth as if wanting to say something, but nothing came out of it.
A minute of heavy silence passed before Yuli spoke. "Do you know who he is?" The man was obviously struggling to keep his tone calm.
Athrun swallowed hard. "I do. ...His name is Kira. Kira Yamato."
A great shock, and disbelief, spread across Yuli's face. The man stared at Athrun. "Commander Yamato...?" he asked, his voice shaking with an emotion—or emotions—Athrun couldn't decipher.
Athrun nodded his head.
"But that's...how..." Yuli stopped to take several breaths. "How did you find it out?"
Athrun dropped his eyes. "I knew Kira even before the First War. We were friends from childhood, from when I lived in the moon. I knew he was the pilot of the Strike from the beginning, and...a little before I left PLANT with the Justice in search for the Freedom, I found out that I hadn't killed Kira."
He felt the air in the room turned even thicker with tension. It took Yuli a long moment to reply.
"And you two are still friends. You and...Commander Yamato." There was a clear accusation in the man's voice.
Athrun forced himself to look up and meet Nicol's father's stormy eyes and look of betrayal. "Yes."
Yuli looked like he wanted to punch Athrun or at least throw him out of his house. Athrun hurriedly added, feeling obligated to deliver the message while he still had a chance, "Kira wants to talk to you." Yuli's face turned even harder at the words, but Athrun gathered courage and continued on. "It doesn't have to be soon. You can take as much time as you need. He understands that. But...please consider it. He isn't a bad person and talking with him might help you in some way."
Yuli's face contorted with a mixture of rage and disgust. But before he voiced whatever he thought of Kira's request or Athrun's suggestion, someone else spoke.
"Why?"
Romina's voice was small and Athrun almost missed it. He shifted his eyes from Yuli to his wife. Her face was white and appeared oddly emotionless.
But what grabbed his attention was her eyes. The brown eyes looked so much like Nicol's, except there was no warmth or mischief her son's eyes had almost always had. There wasn't anger or contempt either, unlike her husband's. It was worse than that. Her eyes looked so empty—as if Athrun's news had shattered her inside and he was looking into the gaping hole in her, into the dark, bottomless devastation devouring even the remains of her little by little. As he stared at the two brown voids, his gut wrenched.
"Why did you tell us?" Her voice sounded just as hollow. "I believed Nicol's killer was killed, properly punished. That Nicol's death was avenged. It helped us to make peace with losing our son, to move on. We found closure because of the belief and finally regained the hold of our life after three years...and then, you came and told us our belief was false. The closure was false. The foundation of our new life is false. Now, the peace, our peace is..." Her voice was becoming even fainter, but Athrun's ears caught her last word. "...gone."
His body started to feel cold. "I...I thought it would be best..." His voice trailed off as he grew uncertain.
Yes, he had thought that telling the Amalfis was the right thing to do, the best course of action. ...But best for whom? For the Amalfis...or for himself? Apparently, knowing about Kira had brought nothing but pain and suffering to Nicol's parents.
He had been thoughtless, he realized. He had not really put thought into whether hearing the truth was good for the Amalfis, whether they wanted to hear it. Now that he thought about it, he had wanted to tell them so much because he then could escape from the feeling of guilt stemming from keeping the truth from them. And his desire to make himself feel better had ended up hurting them.
Yuli scooted toward his wife and pulled her close. Romina's body slumped against his as if it was lifeless.
"Athrun, will you please leave us alone? We need to digest the information you gave us."
Despite the polite words, Yuli's voice was frosty and his gaze was fixed on his wife as if he didn't want to look at Athrun.
Athrun awkwardly nodded. "Yes, of course."
He stood up stiffly and began walking away. He stopped at the entrance to the room and looked back at the couple over his shoulder.
"I'm sorry." He forced the words out of his tight throat. He couldn't leave without saying it.
Neither Yuli nor Romina responded. They might not have heard Athrun's apology. Or they simply didn't want to make a response.
With his head hung low, Athrun left.
A sound stirred Athrun out of his depressing and self-accusing thoughts. Sitting on his bed, he looked around his dark room, unable to figure out the source of the sound even though it had sounded familiar. He had been absorbed in remorse for hours since he had returned from the Amalfi residence and his guilt-ridden mind wasn't working as well as usual.
The sound came again, and he finally realized the communication equipment embedded in a wall was telling him that there was an incoming call. To be honest, he wasn't in the mood to talk with anyone. But it could be about his work, he told himself. Then, he shouldn't ignore it.
He pushed himself to stand up and check the caller. Seeing his girlfriend's name on the screen reminded him that she had asked him when he was going to pay a visit to Nicol's parents and that she had said she was going to call him that evening.
He hesitated to answer the call. He knew he appeared bad, which would undoubtedly worry her. At the same time, he wanted to see her face and hear her voice, and more than anything, needed her comfort which he was sure she was going to give him. He needed her.
His hand, almost of its own accord, pushed a button on the console to accept the call. The screen flared up to show Cagalli's face.
"Hey." Her voice was casual, but she wasn't smiling.
"...Hey," he managed.
He pulled his chair away from his desk to set it in front of the communication equipment and sat on it.
With intense concern, she was studying him, and after a moment, said softly, "Your meeting with the Amalfis didn't go well, did it?"
He exhaled a long sigh. "No. It was a disaster. Maybe I handled the talking poorly, or...maybe telling them about Kira was a mistake to begin with."
She tilted her head questioningly. He slowly told her about the Amalfis' reactions to the news he had brought, then added, "It seems I only hurt them by telling them the truth. I was so careless."
"You couldn't know that Mrs. Amalfi didn't want to know the truth," she said gently.
"No. But I should've at least considered the possibility. I was so sure I was right, though. ...I was being self-righteous again, wasn't I?" he said bitterly, more to himself than to her, with his eyes lowered.
He was aware that the tendency to be self-righteous was one of his flaws, and had been trying not to let it hurt others as it had before. Nevertheless, he had done it again. Could he ever stop making mistakes, hurting people he cared about?
"Athrun." Cagalli's voice was caring but firm. "Don't be a hamster on a wheel."
The words caused him to blink, then look at her, at her face full of compassion and worry with a hint of chiding.
"You are right," she continued. "You probably should've thought more about it. But I think you would've still decided to tell them. Because even if you'd seriously considered the possibility that the Amalfis didn't want to hear the truth, you would've thought the possibility was slim, wouldn't you? I would have. So, I'm certain you couldn't have allowed yourself not to tell them, not to do what you believed was right for the parents of your late friend. You believe in telling the truth, doing the right thing, and that's part of what makes you a good person. That's your strength as much as it can be your weakness."
Her face then turned sad. "It's just...doing the right thing isn't always best, or even good, I guess."
He was silent for a while before quietly saying, "It still doesn't change the fact that I hurt them."
He admitted Cagalli was right. It was likely that he would still have chosen to tell the Amalfis the truth even if he had been more careful. However, knowing that he probably had not been able to avoid hurting Nicol's parents, especially Romina, didn't erase his guilt. If anything, he was frustrated in addition to feeling guilty. Why couldn't what was right and what was good or best be the same?
"No, it doesn't," Cagalli agreed. "It sucks that doing what you believe is right sometimes hurts people."
The understanding in her voice and face squeezed his heart, easing his frustration. She knew, truly knew, how he was feeling right now. She wasn't faultless as much as he wasn't; she had suffered in the same way as he was.
And it actually comforted him that she had agreed with him about his faults instead of denying his words and saying something like he didn't have to feel bad.
That was how she was. She didn't coddle him with well-meant but untrue and rather meaningless comforts. She honestly told him when she thought there was something wrong in what he did or how he did it, but still, never gave up on him. Most of the time, she even managed to find something good in him or in the situation and tried to convince him that he or things weren't as bad as he was inclined to believe. Her optimism always countered and balanced his pessimistic thinking. She was the light of his life.
He took a slow, deep breath, then let one out as slowly and deeply. It felt easier to breathe and his body was beginning to feel warm again. The darkness that had been surrounding him for the past several hours was fading away, not fast but definitely.
"Thank you," he said with sincerity. "For...listening," he added. And for being in my life.
A relieved smile softened her face. "You're welcome."
His heart ached for her. He would hug her tightly and bask in her soothing warmth if she were in front of him. Instead, he reached out a hand and caressed her face on the screen. It was too hard and cold, but it was all he could have right now and it still comforted him further.
"You know it doesn't have to be over, right?" she said after a moment of comfortable silence.
"Yeah, I'm willing to make it up to the Amalfis as much as I can. But...I doubt they want to see me anytime soon."
"Just wait until they do. It may take long, but fortunately, you have quite a bit of patience." She grinned, which was obviously an attempt to lighten the mood. "Unlike me."
He lifted the corners of his mouth a little. "Right. I can surely do the waiting better than you would." But the next moment, a sigh escaped his lips. "Though I wish there was something I could do meanwhile."
"Look for it then," she said simply. "Think of something you can do for them, or your friend Nicol, without bothering Mr. and Mrs. Amalfi. I'm sure you can find something. You have good brains. Strong determination, too."
Her faith in him heartened him and intensified his longing for her. He had to actually close his hands into fists not to reveal his need for her. He showed enough weakness and worried her enough for a day—or a month, perhaps.
"You're right. I'll give it a try," he said.
She nodded, and their conversation shifted to catching up on each other's lives. Although they regularly exchanged e-mails, there were still many things to talk about.
But before long, she said wistfully, "Sorry. It's time for me to go."
He checked the time on the screen. It was Monday morning in Orb and she probably had to begin preparing for work.
"Right. Thank you for calling." He paused, then added a little shyly, "I really appreciate it."
Although he felt somewhat bad about troubling her, he couldn't and wouldn't deny he was quite pleased that she had taken time out for him despite her busy schedule, that she cared enough about him.
And it renewed his determination to become a stronger and more reliable person so that she could turn to him and he could help her if their positions were reversed.
"No problem. It was good talking with you," she said earnestly. "And I'm glad you confided in me about the Amalfis, by the way. Both the other day and today. If something else happens that bothers you, don't hesitate to tell me, okay?"
He raised his shoulders in a little exaggerated way to appear reluctant to do as she said. "I'll keep it in mind," he said in a tone that gave a similar impression.
His act was partly to tease her and partly because he still felt too awkward at revealing his weakness to readily promise her he would surely do it.
She narrowed her eyes and said in a warning tone, "You'll be sorry if you try to carry a burden all by yourself."
An amused and fond smile lifted his lips. She must be the only person in the universe who could soften his heart with a threat.
"Well, I'll keep that in mind as well," he said lightly.
She gave him a hard stare to get her point across before saying solemnly, "All right then," which deepened his smile.
They said goodbyes and she hung up. He leaned back into the chair. He was hardly in a happy mood, but felt a lot better than he had before talking with Cagalli. Remembering the room was dark, he stood up to turn on the light, and exercised a little for his body felt stiff from sitting in the same position for hours before Cagalli had called.
He came back in front of the communication equipment, started to push his chair toward his desk, then stopped. He had just remembered that he had told Kira he would call him after the meeting with the Amalfis, which he hadn't done yet. He wasn't thrilled to explain to Kira how bad things had gone, but he had to.
Setting his chair back in front of the communication equipment, he took a calming breath and straightened his features before making a call to Kira's private line. It took the brunet a while to accept the call.
After they exchanged greetings, Kira observed him. "The Amalfis didn't take the news well, I suppose?"
Athrun rubbed his face, embarrassed. "Is it still so obvious that I failed?"
He had thought he was fine enough to hide his negative feelings after Cagalli's call. Then again, Kira had known him for a long time.
The brunet tilted his head, still examining Athrun. "You don't exactly look like hell, if that's what you're asking. It was just a hunch." He paused. "That you didn't call earlier also gave me a clue."
"Ah, right. Sorry for making you wait."
"It's okay." A teasing smile appeared on Kira's face. "Let me make another guess. You called Cagalli before me, am I right?"
Athrun was taken aback. "How do you know I talked to her?"
"You asked if you still looked bad. So I assumed you did something that lifted your spirits before making this call," Kira explained with some smugness.
Athrun felt warmth creep into his cheeks and fought it. "Well, you weren't exactly right. I didn't call her. She called me."
Kira shrugged carelessly. "Same difference." Then his face sobered. "So...can you tell me what happened with the Amalfis?"
Athrun's face turned serious as well. He nodded and started to summarize the meeting with the Amalfis. Recalling their reactions made his chest heavier, but it wasn't as bad as it should have thanks to his conversation with Cagalli.
Kira was silent for a few moments after Athrun finished his story, then exhaled a sigh.
"I guess it's natural that they had difficulty dealing with the truth. It's undoubtedly shocking news," Kira murmured.
"Yes, they were very shocked." Athrun sighed. "And perhaps the way I told them wasn't the best."
Kira studied him for a moment. "Even so, I don't think it's the main reason they reacted that way," he said soothingly. "What they have a problem with is the news itself, me being alive."
Athrun frowned. "Kira..."
The brunet gave him a smile. "I'm fine, Athrun. It's not like I regret having survived or being alive. It's just...well, a fact that some people aren't happy about it, yeah? Not that," he continued before Athrun could respond, "we know for sure the Amalfis are a part of them. They may just need some time. It's still possible they'll become willing to talk to me after a while, isn't it?"
"I hope so," Athrun replied with sincerity. He wasn't optimistic about it, but he really hoped he would be proven wrong.
"Well, thanks for talking to the Amalfis. It must've been tough."
Athrun shook his head. "It's nothing. I'm the one who wanted to tell them anyway."
"Yeah, but still," Kira said with a smile.
He then shifted the conversation to a new computer program he was creating as a hobby; Athrun went along with it. They chatted for a while until Kira had to go downstairs for dinner.
"See you then, Athrun. Don't fret too much about the Amalfis, okay?"
Athrun began to nod, but hurriedly said, "Kira." The brunet, who had been going to end the call, stopped.
"I'm truly glad I didn't kill you then. That you are still alive," Athrun finished. He felt somewhat embarrassed to directly say it, but he wanted to make sure Kira knew.
The amethyst eyes softened. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, Athrun." Kira waved a hand and the call was cut off.
Feeling relieved, Athrun stood up to grab something to eat as well. He didn't feel like cooking or ordering out, though. He wasn't very hungry anyway. He was acting mostly out of duty; as a soldier, he needed to stay fit, which meant keeping his body nourished. Fortunately, he had a stack of nutrition bars. A few of them would do.
Sitting on a sofa next to his girlfriend, Kira sipped his coffee with milk and sugar, then leaned back into the sofa. Both Lacus and Kira had come home early in the evening, eaten dinner together, and moved from the dining room to this smaller room where they usually spent a relaxing time at night or on holidays.
Lacus also took a sip from her cup of tea in an elegant manner before she placed it on the table and turned toward him.
"Kira."
"Yeah?"
"There is something important I need to tell you." She reached out to put her hand over his, looking deeply into his eyes. "It is about Mr. Amalfi."
His breathing stopped for a brief moment, then he straightened up unconsciously. "What about him?"
"He handed in his resignation. I heard he and his wife were planning to move back to Maius One they are originally from."
He stared back into her aquamarine eyes, which usually soothed him as looking at a calm lake would. But right now, his mind seemed to be in too much of a turmoil. He started to rub his face, realized that he still had a cup full of coffee in his hand, and put it on the table.
"It's because of me, isn't it?" he said, rather to himself than to her.
It couldn't be a coincidence that the Amalfis had decided to move away less than a month after finding out about the "relationship" between Kira and their son. His chest tightened painfully. He felt like he had been told that the Amalfis hated him too much to interact with him as colleagues or even live in the same colony.
He had known the chance that the Amalfis would forgive him wasn't high, and thought he was prepared for that. Still, as he had told Athrun, he had been hoping that the Amalfis' anger would subside in time and that they would become willing to see him. Facing the reality where his hope had been dashed shook him more than he had anticipated.
He closed his eyes and heaved a long breath. "I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought," he murmured.
Or probably, being hated hurt no matter how much you prepared yourself for it.
Lacus squeezed his hand. "I talked to Mr. Amalfi, Kira."
With surprise, he opened his eyes. "When?"
"Yesterday morning. I asked him to come to my office." She added, "I didn't tell you about this last night since I came home late and we didn't have much time to talk."
Then she started talking about her meeting with Yuli.
···
When he entered Lacus's office, Yuli's whole body had been tense. He had not relaxed as they sat across from each other on the sofas.
"Thank you for coming, Mr. Amalfi," she had said sincerely.
When she had sent him a message that she wanted to talk with him, she had made sure he understood that it was a personal request, not an official order, and that he could reject it if he wanted. And he had still come, which she considered better than his ignoring her request, even if he had just come to vent his anger.
He had nodded stiffly at her thanks, his lips in a tight line. Supposing that it was the better way, she had cut to the chase.
"I asked you to come because I wanted to know the reason of your resignation. I suppose it has something to do with Kira?"
Hearing the brunet's name, he had stirred a little. He had appeared to be struggling for control over himself. It had taken him a few moments to reply.
"Neither my wife nor I are plotting a revenge on him, if that's what you're worried about," he had said coldly. "Though I don't want you—or him—to think we've forgiven him. We haven't. It's just...just because I'm not going to kill him to avenge my son, doesn't mean I have to work along with him, talk to him with smiles as if he isn't my son's killer."
"Of course you do not," she had agreed in a placid voice.
Yuli had met her gaze, his eyes narrowed suspiciously.
She had said calmly, "I am not blaming you for resigning or trying to stop you. Nor am I asking you to forgive Kira."
It was true. As much as the act of forgiveness should be valued, forgiveness wasn't an obligation. You couldn't and shouldn't force someone, even yourself, to forgive. It had to happen on its own.
Of course, you could help someone reach there. But Lacus had not thought that the Amalfis were in the state of mind where they wanted such a help. At least not yet, and not from her.
"I only wanted a chance to hear your honest thoughts," she had finished.
Yuli had remained silent for a couple of minutes, then slowly started to speak.
"My wife and I cherish peace. That is what our son died for. But..." He had closed his hands on his lap into fists so tightly that his knuckles were white. "I'm afraid I might destroy that peace with my own hands if I...stay here. So, I need to do this. I need some distance."
He had not explained what he wanted to distance himself from. She had not asked him to elaborate. If he didn't want to say it aloud, she had not wanted to push him to do so. She had just assumed that it wasn't only Kira, but everyone who accepted him whether they knew about Kira's past as the pilot of the Strike: Athrun, herself, ZAFT, the PLANT government.
"Besides," Yuli had continued, his voice turning bitter, "since...we received the news, my wife's been depressed. She needs distance as much as I do, if not more."
"I understand," she had said, and she had.
In some situations, having some distance would be good for everyone involved. If Yuli, or Romina, succumbed to the hatred or the desire to avenge their son and attacked Kira, it could not only harm Kira but also ruin the Amalfis' lives. Moreover, such an incident could greatly disturb the peace in PLANT because of Kira's position as a White Coat or his relationship with Lacus; it might even lead to an unrest in the entire world.
"I am sorry about your wife and that things turned out this way," she had continued. "However, I feel gratitude and admiration for your effort to protect the peace."
Yuli had nodded as rigidly as he had in the beginning of the conversation, then stood up, clearly eager to leave. He had reached the door and put his hand on the doorknob. But then, he had seemed to hesitate. She had simply waited.
After a few moments, he had said in a low voice, his back still turned to her, "I hate him. I know it was a war, but I can't help it. However...I acknowledge that he fought for peace. And if something that disturbs peace happens again, I suppose his power will be needed. That's also why we need to leave."
No sooner had he finished than he had opened the door and gone out of the room in brisk steps.
···
Lacus closed her mouth, observing Kira. As he mulled over what he had heard, she waited silently.
He supposed that Yuli's choice to accept Lacus's request and come to talk with her indicated that the man was wavering to an extent instead of being fixed on his hatred toward Kira. What Yuli had told Lacus backed up Kira's assumption.
After minutes of pondering, Kira quietly asked, "Do you think they'll ever...become willing to talk to me?"
"I honestly do not know," Lacus replied in a tranquil voice. "But..."
"Yeah, I know." He inhaled a long breath and let it out slowly. "Even if they never forgive me, I shouldn't stop living my life."
And even if the Amalfis—or other people whose loved one Kira had killed—wanted him to leave his current position or PLANT, he couldn't do it. He had chosen this path not only because he thought it was what he should do but also because he wanted to. He could contribute to maintaining the peace somewhere else, but he had to be in this place to protect the person he wanted to protect most. As long as she held a position in PLANT and had to stay in the country, anyway.
He wanted to protect Lacus himself instead of entrusting the job to someone else. He couldn't compromise on it even to make amends for the deaths he had caused, even if he could lessen the pain and suffering of the Amalfis or people like them by leaving PLANT. He knew it was selfish of him. But he would gladly choose to be selfish rather than lose someone he cared about. He could bear being criticized or suffering feelings of guilt if it was the cost he had to pay in order to protect someone he loved, which was more important to him than anything.
He closed the little distance between himself and Lacus to rest his head on her shoulder. Her hand gently stroked his hair.
"Lacus."
"Yes, Kira?"
"Thank you for talking with Mr. Amalfi."
It hurt to clearly know that the Amalfis hated him and had not forgiven him. But if they moved away without saying anything, he must be agitated more. Even though their decision still upset him, knowing nothing about their reason or sentiments would be a lot worse.
Lacus had known it and taken measures to prevent it, to lessen Kira's damage. She was far sighted and astute like that. And more than anything, she always took great care to protect him. He was truly grateful for that.
"You are welcome," she said, her hand still caressing his head with tenderness.
He shifted to gaze at his girlfriend, and realized that her face was slightly clouded with something other than worry about him. He thought for a little while, then sat up and held her hand with a reassuring face.
"Kira?"
"What you told Mr. Amalfi was right, Lacus. He, or Mrs. Amalfi, isn't obligated to forgive me or pretend to. And I agree they aren't ready to hear someone asking them to forgive me."
Someone else who cared about Kira might have asked Yuli to do it anyway, even if they could read people as well as Lacus did. But Lacus wouldn't. She knew that doing so would only increase Yuli's pain and anger and wasn't right. And even when it was about Kira, she didn't allow herself to be carried away by emotions and do what she believed was wrong.
Some people might not understand that and accuse her of being cold or not caring enough about Kira. But Kira understood that she was just fair and principled, to the point of being stern sometimes. Despite her usually soft demeanor, she has an inner steel which caused her to be like that. He admired that about her.
Her face softened with relief. She held back his hand and touched his face with the other hand to give his lips a soft kiss.
"I love you, Kira."
"I love you too, Lacus," he said, returning the kiss which became deeper.
After a while, they parted their mouths, both of them panting a little. He hugged her and buried his face into her hair, into the familiar rosy scent. Her arms circled around him. Sharing an embrace with her was comforting, but he couldn't help wanting more, wanting to lose himself in her softness. He pulled away a little to look at her.
"Do you think it's too early for us to retreat to our bedroom?" he asked, half-joking, half-serious.
She tilted her head, then smiled with mischief. "Well, I think I am rather tired today. I suspect you are, too. Then, it is not so odd that we retire early tonight, is it?"
He smiled back. "No, I don't think it is."
Standing up from the sofa, they headed for their bedroom, hand in hand.
Kira put a bouquet of colorful flowers in front of a gravestone. Standing next to him, Athrun saluted.
It was about two weeks after Lacus had told Kira about the Amalfis' moving away. Kira had called Athrun and told him the news the next day. He had thought that Athrun should hear it from someone close to him, someone who knew the circumstances, just like Kira himself had; that way, Athrun could show that the news disturbed him, which he undoubtedly tried to hide if someone who knew nothing about the recent discord between the blunet and the Amalfis delivered the news.
Athrun had seemed as shocked at the Amalfis' decision as Kira, clearly blaming himself. Kira had been worried about him, though his worry had somewhat lessened since a call from his sister several days ago.
Cagalli had explained that she had heard about the Amalfis from Athrun, and she had been concerned about both Kira and Athrun. That the blunet had been talking to her about his distress instead of bottling it up inside him was a good thing, Kira and Cagalli had agreed. And Kira was sure that the blonde had consoled Athrun and cheered him up, which must have helped him deal with the situation. Though it didn't mean Kira thought Athrun was okay now. Cagalli had not seemed to think so, either. They both knew that the blunet wouldn't quit beating himself up so easily.
His sister had told him that she would try to check on Athrun as often as she could and so that Kira should focus on himself now. Kira appreciated it. At the same time, he didn't want Cagalli whose schedule was much tighter than his to exhaust herself; it was easier for him to keep an eye on Athrun for they lived in the same colony, not to mention in the same area: the central district.
So, he had called Athrun two days ago and suggested that they should go out the next Sunday when they were both supposed to be free. After thinking a little, Athrun had replied that he was available in the afternoon. Kira had asked whether Athrun had to work in the morning. Athrun had hesitated for a while, then said that he had been planning to visit somewhere in the morning. Hearing where that was, Kira had asked whether he could join Athrun, who said it was all right.
That was how Kira and Athrun were currently standing in front of the grave of Nicol Amalfi.
Athrun slowly lowered his arm. A minute passed in silence.
Then, Kira quietly asked, "What was he like? He was a musician, right? A pianist?"
"Yeah...he composed his own music pieces, and held a concert sometimes. He invited me to them." Athrun's voice and face were colored with wistfulness. "I remember him teasing me whether I wasn't asleep at one of the concerts." His eyes softened and a faint smile crossed Kira's lips.
"He was kind and friendly," the blunet continued, then paused before hesitantly adding with a glance at Kira, "I think you two would make good friends."
"I think so, too," Kira agreed. "He sounds like a nice person, and a good friend."
"...He was." Athrun's face slightly contorted as if he was in pain.
Kira understood. If Nicol had not been a good friend to Athrun, had not cared about the blunet that much, he might not have attacked Kira, trying to protect Athrun, despite the condition of his mobile suit. He might not have died. Not like that anyway.
Kira put a hand on Athrun's shoulder and squeezed it in a comforting way. After a minute of somber silence, Athrun shook his head, trying to get himself together.
"And Nicol was selfless," he continued. "I'm sure he wanted to be just a pianist rather than become a soldier. But he still volunteered for ZAFT."
"Like you," Kira pointed out, letting go of the blunet's shoulder.
"It's not the same," Athrun replied, shaking his head. "I did it largely because of my mother, because of my anger and hatred and desire for power. But...Mr. Amalfi was right. Nicol fought for peace. He only wanted to protect people and restore peace." The green eyes looked in the distance. "He would love living in a peaceful world as we are now."
He remained silent for a few moments, then let out a long breath.
"Anyway," he resumed in a stronger voice, "that's partly why I want to protect this peace. I wanted to do it even before...the thing with Mr. and Mrs. Amalfi. But now, I feel more strongly about it. This peace is what Nicol wanted, and he would try to protect it if he were here, surely. And it seems like the only thing I can do for him now. To protect a world where his loved ones can live peacefully."
"I think it's good of you to do it," Kira said gently.
He considered Athrun's words for a little while, then spoke again. "Maybe I'm gonna do the same." He gave a small smile to the blunet. "You don't mind me borrowing your idea, yeah?"
Athrun blinked, then shook his head, his eyes understanding. "No. Go ahead."
Kira smiled. "Thanks."
They went back to gazing at the gravestone without words. Now, the grave felt somewhat different to Kira. This visit to the place had changed his attitude toward PLANT.
He didn't have a desire to protect PLANT specifically. He had no personal ties to it. He had moved to this country just recently, and he had gotten a position in ZAFT so that he could protect Lacus. But now, fighting for ZAFT and PLANT was more than that.
I don't know how long I'll be in ZAFT, he said voicelessly. But as long as I am—no, even after I leave ZAFT, and even PLANT, I'll do what I can to protect PLANT. Not just for Lacus and Athrun and the others I know who love PLANT. But also for you.
For the green-haired boy who had desired to protect this country and people living there, whose life Kira had taken. Kira didn't know whether Nicol would like his decision, but then, this wasn't really an atonement. Kira wasn't going to do it to be forgiven or be free from his sin. He just wanted to do it. It was more like...
As he searched for a better word, one popped into his head. Requiem. Pieces of music to pay tribute to and soothe the dead so that their soul could rest peacefully. The word felt well suited to what Kira had decided he should do.
Kira wasn't sure whether those who had died were watching over those who still lived. In some days, he was inclined to believe that, wanting it to be true. In other days, he felt rather doubtful. In still other days, he hoped they couldn't see anything happening in this universe where people were still hating and fighting each other, albeit to a lesser extent.
But assuming the dead could, Nicol's soul should feel more at peace when his country where his loved ones were living in were better protected, even if he wouldn't forgive Kira for killing him.
So, whatever Kira would do for PLANT was partly going to be a requiem—sort of, since there wasn't anything musical about it—Kira dedicated to Nicol, though Kira wasn't going to do it entirely for Nicol's sake. It was his way to accept his sin and live with it. Therefore, the decision was also for himself, for his happiness.
Satisfied with his conclusion, Kira turned his eyes to Athrun. The blunet's face was somewhat sad, but also determined.
Noticing Kira's gaze, Athrun looked at him. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah, but we can stay a bit longer if you want."
"No, it's fine." Athrun was hardly cheerful, but not dejected either.
Kira nodded, and they began walking toward the entrance to the cemetery. They were planning to go downtown, take lunch somewhere, and check several shops for programming software and robot-making tools and what not.
"You know," Kira started saying as a thought occurred to him, "this evening, you should come to my house for dinner. If you go back to your room, you're likely to just eat nutrition bars. I have to feed you for Cagalli."
His sister who lived on the Earth which was far, far away from PLANT constantly worried about her boyfriend for Athrun could be pretty careless when it came to his well-being. The blunet tended to replace a meal with some nutrition bars when he was busy and thought having a proper meal took too much time. Sometimes, he did it just because he felt like it.
Cagalli had told Kira to watch out for Athrun's lifestyle when Kira and Athrun came to PLANT from Orb, and Kira agreed with her that it was necessary. Not to mention Kira himself was concerned about his best friend's health.
Athrun raised an eyebrow. "You feed me? I'm sure it's your cook who will prepare dinner."
Kira shrugged. "Either way, you're gonna eat at my house."
"Technically, it's Lacus's house," Athrun pointed out.
"Our house, then," Kira said carelessly. "Whatever it is, you're coming, okay?"
Athrun exhaled rather loudly. "Fine. But I still say you, or Cagalli for that matter, are unnecessarily worrying yourselves about my lifestyle."
Ignoring the complaint, Kira changed the subject. "Hey, I haven't told you about an interesting article I read a couple weeks ago, yeah? It suggests utilizing AI more in spaceships by..."
Their conversation stuck to matters that weren't serious. It wasn't like they deliberately avoided talking about Nicol or his parents. It was just that they had already said what they needed to concerning the matter, at least at the moment. Undoubtedly, they would discuss the Amalfis again someday. Maybe soon.
But right now, they moved on with their lives, their eyes set on the future instead of the past. Kira knew that they both kept doing it even though the wounds of the past, or the pain caused by the recent events, continued to haunt them. Forward was the only direction you could move after all, for you could never go back to the days that had already passed. And they had a future they wanted to acquire, a future they had decided to create by their own hands. No matter what other people said, even if few people understood them, they couldn't let the feelings of guilt stop them. They did what they could to live with their past—mistakes and sins and all—and kept following the paths they believed in.
They lived on.
The End
A/N: More than a year ago, someone asked me in a review for another fic of mine to write a fic about Kira and Yuli. It got me thinking and eventually resulted in this fic. So, thank you, Mardhi, for the inspiration, though I'm afraid this fic is different from what you expected.
I made the Amalfis act the way they did partly because I think the reactions of the characters in the original show are at one end of the extreme or the other. Many characters chose to not only forgive the person who killed their loved one but also have/maintain an amicable relationship with them, if not a friendly one. Some other characters, mostly nameless minor ones, couldn't forgive the person/people who killed their loved one and sought for revenge. I wanted something different from the Amalfis, something in-between.
···
That Nicol's parents didn't know about Kira being the pilot of the Strike is based on Dullindal's words. In GSD episode 29 where he reminisced about his past, he said that he didn't know how Lacus and Kira had met.
But there must be an official report written by Klueze or his subordinates saying that Lacus was captured by the Archangel and released by the pilot of the Strike. Or at least that Lacus was captured by the Archangel during the time the pilot of the Strike was a part of the Archangel crew. Dullindal was a Chairman and must have been able to access to the report.
Therefore, I deduced that most people in the SEED universe aren't aware that the pilot of the Strike and the pilot of the Freedom are the same person; that if a Chairman who must have the authority to access to top-secret files didn't know it, only people in PLANT who know about Kira piloting the Strike are those who have a personal connection with Kira like Dearka and Yzak.
It's actually not surprising since I don't think people who know about Kira being the Strike's pilot have any reason to announce the fact to the world, especially since most of them are close to Kira.
Anyway, thank you for reading. If you've reviewed my other fics, thank you for that too.
···
By the way, someone asked me in a review for yet another fic of mine whether they could translate my fics into another language. I'm not sure how to contact them (I'm not familiar with weibo, sorry), so I put my answer here.
You can translate my fics on two conditions: a) you make it clear that it's a translation of my fic; b) you include a link to the original fic's page on this website or, in case you can't provide a link, include the address of the said page.
As long as you follow these rules, you are free to translate my fics and post those translations online.
The guest reviewer who asked about translating my fics, I hope you are reading this.
*edited 03/16/20*