Chapter Fourteen

I look out from the porch and watch as people mill around, settling into a new home. Lori is sitting next to Carl and Sophia, reading them a book. T-Dog is chopping up wood for a fire, and Glenn is making eyes at my sister, Maggie, who appears to be making eyes back. Everyone is getting on with it and living their lives the best they can. We are safer here than where we were, but we all know that we can never really be completely safe. There will always be the same dangers, we will always still be looking behind us before we retire for the evening. We will still be checking the trees and the distance for signs that walkers are approaching.

My Dad wasn't enthusiastic about the group moving onto the grounds at first, but he knew that the children would be safer settling for a while, so he agreed that they could stay temporarily.

His conversations with me have been minimal. One-word answers mainly; 'yes you can sleep in your old room'. 'No, I don't have anything else to say'. That type of thing. I know he blames me for leaving, I know he refuses to take any responsibility for what happened between us. I can see how much he is disappointed in me. And I think he holds me partly responsible for what happened to my Mom and Brother. Sure, I wasn't here when it happened, but he knows how much I broke my Mothers heart by leaving and the fact that I didn't make peace with her before she died is an obvious betrayal to him.

My mind goes back to a view days previously, when I entered the house on that first day. I saw that there were no other people around; only Dad, Beth and Maggie and somehow I knew that there wasn't anyone else to welcome me home, but I asked anyway.

'Mom? Shawn?'

My Dad turned towards me; his eyes boring into me. I could see that he was angry and hurt. He remained tight-lipped and simply muttered that he was going for a lie down. I watched him walk away, a deep sadness setting deep within my chest. I wanted to run to him, throw my arms around him and have him tell me everything was going to be okay, but I feared his rejection.

Maggie was the one to break the silence, whilst Beth stood to the side, her eyes full of sadness, and drawn down to the floor.

'J… they didn't make it.'

My heart hurt and I clutched at my chest, as tears fell rapidly from my eyes. I knew. I already knew that they weren't here. I could just feel it, but I wanted more than anything to hear someone tell me otherwise. I wanted to be told that they were simply out getting supplies, or upstairs sleeping. My grief was raw and painful, and I tried to conjure up memories I had of my Mother and Brother, but I saw nothing. I simply felt heavy, dark grief. Maggie reached towards me, putting her arms around my shoulders and hugged me to her.

'Mag… I should have come home sooner… I should have been here.'

I felt my sister stiffen beside me, her arms still around me, but I felt a slight frostiness coming from her. Pulling myself away, tears still streaking down my face, I looked up at my sister who stood a head above me. I saw that she was struggling to compose herself and refusing to make eye contact with me.

'Mag..?'

Maggie looked me square in the face then, and her expression was almost identical to our fathers. She was disappointed and angry.

'J… I love you… and I am so glad that you are home, but life has been hard for us. And whilst you have been out there, living whatever life you deemed more important than this one… I was here. I took care of Beth and Shawn. I didn't go to college or work. I was here when the shit happened. The town was destroyed, and I watched as our family struggled to survive. I tried to nurse Mom back to health…'

Tears are brimming from her eyes, and I remain silent so that she can let out the many years of pain she has experienced and witnessed. My guilt is eating away at me. In the grand scheme of things, the past seems so surreal and far-fetched. I wanted to be a singer! I was a selfish fuck! I want to make amends, but I don't know if I will ever be able to.

Maggie turns from me, tears still streaming down her face.

'Look, J...you are here now. We cant change what has happened. Dad will come round, you just have to give him time.'

I nod solemnly. Time is all we all really have now... we just don't know how long that time will be.