So, hi.
This is the intro you didn't know you didn't want, but here it is anyway.
I haven't been on fanfiction for a few years now, and I missed it. It was refreshing to come back to see people still writing and reading Twilighty things; as well as it brining me back to my youth, ya know? I'm a little rusty at writing, I don't do much of it anymore, and even at remembering all of what down in the books EVEN THOUGH I WAS OBSESSED. Don't judge, lol. I'm also meant to be writing an essay, which clearly, I'm not doing well.
Thus, concluding to trying my own handing at writing:
- I am not an author on the bestseller list, nor am I even on the 99p($0.99? If that a thing? Not from the US (Soz if wrong info) kindle weekly deals. Mistakes will happen. Hoping to one day be J.K. Rowling... ha ha ha.
- One Shot using the song 'what a time.' If you decided to stick around and read this, I'd recommend you listen to it. But not something you really have to do.
- Words in italics are the lyrics to the song.
- This story does change between the present and past, hopefully, it makes sense.
- Hope you enjoy, all feedback is welcome, but please be kind, I'm a fragile potato.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight by Stephanie Meyer or Julia Michaels - What A Time ft. Niall Horan. No copyright infringement intended.
"Hey Bella," you say over the phone.
I feel a little nauseous and my hands are shaking. I guess that means you're close by.
"Hi," I respond, staring at the sage green walls of my childhood bedroom. My eyes spot a picture frame with an image of you in it. I must have missed that when I did a purge of you. A purge of us. A purge of me.
"I'm in town." Your words are full of suggestion.
"Oh," I mumble.
My throat is getting dry and my heart is racing. Panic sets in, I swallow the sob welling up with the water on my bedside table; wishing I had something stronger.
"I haven't been by your side, in a minute, but I think about it sometimes," he whispers his secret. A confession he must have held onto for a long time.
I wish I could say the same. He never leaves my thoughts, my dreams or my fantasies. It makes me angry to know it was so easy for him leave me, like the rain leaves the sky.
"What do you want, Edward?" I cry, desperate for him to leave me alone.
Desperate for him to climb through my window.
Desperate for him to hold me.
Desperate for him to make me feel whole again.
"I uh…"
"I don't have time for this. I'm busy. Goodbye," I snap.
"Wait! Please. Even though I know it's not so distant, Oh, no, I still wanna reminisce it," he admits.
This time, I won't let him get to decide my fate.
"You know what Edward? Fuck off. Reminisce? I don't want to reminisce about anything that involves you. Don't call me ever again." I hang up before he can respond and cry right into the night.
~0~0~0~
We met when we were twelve.
I had moved with my parents. A fresh start they had said, in Forks, Washington. My mum was flaky, irresponsible and hadn't been there for most of my short life. She promised she would stay this time, begging forgiveness from my dad and me.
I didn't understand it at the time, why my dad nodded like a dumb fool and accepted her back with open arms.
Unfortunately, I got it now.
Kicking up a fuss, I refused to carry cardboard boxes into my new house. The bricks and cement meant nothing to me in the new neighbourhood. My home was diner dates and cinema with my dad, sewing and baking with grandpa and grandma Swan; not miles away from everything I had known in Seattle.
I kicked the coffee table my mum had picked, hoping I could break it like she broke me.
I froze when I noticed someone was watching me. You walked over slowly, like I was a wild animal you needed to calm.
Hello," you had said, gently.
"Go away," I sneered.
At twelve I didn't understand the chemistry going on inside my brain. You were tall with unruly bronze hair shinning in the summer sun. A grin plastered on your face, like you could the see the reaction I was having internally.
You stayed, even when I told you to go away, again.
"I would be upset too. If mum and dad made me move."
I followed him with wary eyes as he sat on my dad's armchair.
"I'm not upset," I sniffed.
You raised dark brows over bright green eyes.
"Maybe I am, a little."
"I think your brave. I would have stayed in the car."
"I wanted to. But I'm hungry and dad said I couldn't have dinner if I kept sulking." I knew my dad was bluffing, he was a sucker for a wobbling bottom lip.
"You can share my cookies, if you want."
And like that, with a half stale cookie in each hand and crumbs on our lips, we become inseparable.
~0~0~0
"I fucking hate Mr. Banner, giving us homework again," Mike grumbled in the school library.
We were fourteen and thought we knew everything.
So sure, of ourselves. So sure of everyone else's mistakes. Teachers, parents and the other kids in the school.
"Man, he is the worst," Ben agreed, scribbling in his notebook.
The school was too small for the stereotypical cliques, but everybody belonged to some group or another. Mine was funny and cool and close - knit; sometimes it wasn't just Edward I missed.
"Will you both stop kissing! So fucking gross!" Jessica groaned, at Alice and Jasper for the fifth time of the day.
Jasper flipped her his middle finger without detaching his lips from Alice's.
I looked at you and you fake – gagged.
The bell rang and we all went our separate ways. I walked down the hall, clutching my bag in my hand, mentally preparing myself for my next class. I wasn't bad at maths; however, it didn't mean I enjoyed it, either.
Luckily for me, I never made it there. Someone pulled me into a deserted corridor, free of the student hustle and bustle.
"Who the fuck…" I trailed off when I realised who it was.
You.
You gently pushed me against the brick wall, making me drop my bag. My insides growing warm.
I cocked my eyebrow.
"We need to get to class, what's up?" I gasped, my eyes flickering around your face, taking in your attractiveness.
Finally, you spoke. "I want to, like Japer and Alice."
We always danced between that line. Were we friends? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Even I didn't know sometimes.
But now I did.
You kissed me there, in Fork's High, against a cold wall and I think a part of me will always be lost in that little moment.
~0~0~0~
I think of the night in the park, it was getting dark. Dad was with his cousin and my mum let me out begrudgingly, anything for my approval that she was decent at parenting me.
I still wasn't convinced she was.
"Hey love," you called from the swing as I approached.
I loved when you called me that, it was old-fashioned and sweet.
I walked over to you and took a seat on the opposite swing.
You seemed nervous, a little distracted.
"You okay?" I asked, as I gently glided through the air.
You stood and made your way to me, I stopped. Pulling me up by my hand, our bodies becoming flush together, I braced my hands against your chest.
"Happy birthday," you whispered, running your lips over my jaw.
I had celebrated my birthday earlier in the day with a big dinner event. My grandparents and extended family came to town, welcoming me to the edge of adulthood.
At the tender age of sixteen I sat on top of the world, with you right beside me.
"Thank you," I replied, my hands wandering around your neck, down your shoulders.
I kissed you then. I loved kissing you. Your taste, your lips, your tongue, I craved it all.
You pulled back, "I'm giving you what you've always wanted, Bella. Me."
If it wasn't for how serious you sounded, I would have laughed at your declaration.
"Here?" My voice hitched and you nodded.
I had wanted to have sex with you since the day in the school corridor.
You had always denied my advances, for one reason or another. You thought we were too young, I thought you were too sensible. Lately, we had been getting dirtier, not just heavily making out, without my bra on.
Rosalie, your older brother's girlfriend – now wife - had taken me to a clinic for birth control. I liked her, she didn't treat us like children, even six years older than us at the time.
So - as cliché as it was - under the stars, I lost my virginity to you.
It was perfectly terrible, awkward but enjoyable.
After, we had laughed at each other. I had mud on my knees, and you had twigs in your hair.
And we stayed up for hours, before we quietly made our way home separately. I had never been so happy. What a time, what a time, what a time to be with you.
Sex soon become a big part of our relationship. We did it everywhere. In the park, in your car.
In my parent's bed.
Our warm semi - naked bodies lay underneath your blue bedding, facing each other one fine day. It was hard to tell where you skin stopped and mine started.
You clinged to my body like you wanted it forever.
You jumped as my hand slid down your chest, through the soft hair on your belly; gasping in my ear as you realised what I was going to do. I snaked down your body, and you peeked at me under the covers and groaned as I slid your boxers down.
"What do you want, Edward?" I whispered, hoping to be seductive.
"I want you to – fuck."
I lowered my mouth, taking you as deeply I could. Which, at the time wasn't that deep at all.
You moaned softly, encouraging me.
Gripping him firmly with my hands, I moved my mouth slowly at first, getting faster as I wrapped my tongue around your dick.
Up and down. Kiss and rub. Suck and release. Lick and swallow.
Your thick cock throbbed inside my mouth, and I decided to stop. I wanted you to finish inside me.
"You're a tease." Your eyes narrowed as I climbed up your body like a tree, straddling your thighs.
Your hands roamed everywhere, my breasts, my hips and my thighs. I could feel what you didn't say in your caress. How my body drove you wild, how hard it had become for you not find the mutual pleasure of our bodies all the time.
"I love you," I smiled, leaning down onto your chest.
"I love you too," you replied, raising your head to capture my mouth with yours.
You took my lips between yours, pulling softly. I surrendered to the exploration, your tongue brushing mine, brushing my lips.
I surrendered to you. And you to me.
So, I thought, anyway.
I raised my hips so you could run his fingers along me, finding how wet I had become.
"I love how wet I make you," you smirked, the immature teenager peeking through.
Half smiling at you, I memorised this moment, tucking it away for when I might have needed it.
Little did I know, I'd replay it again and again until it felt broken and bruised.
"I want to taste you, Bella. Please."
Instead of a reply, my hand drifted between us, gripping you in my hand firmly and guided it to my pussy.
"Later then," you groaned, slipping inside of me.
Throwing my head back, you gripped my sides as I began to move, and I circled my hips in just the way I knew you liked.
Your eyes didn't leave my chest as they swayed with the rhythm of us.
"Fuck," I managed to gasp as you began to get rougher and more impatient with the slowness of my movements. Lifting off of your dick, I slid back down; bouncing up and down roughly as you lifted your hips to meet me half-way, making us both moan.
"Touch yourself." A command I followed.
I bit my lips and began rubbing my clit. It didn't take much for my muscles to contract, finding my orgasm.
"You don't realise how hot that is," you bellowed, gripping my hips tighter, a sign you were going to follow. Letting out curses, you began to slow down, milking out your climax.
After we cleaned ourselves up, my mind began to drift, not wanting this to ever end
What a time.
Surely, it could never get any better than this.
What a time.
But it did.
Practice made perfect.
"What a time, for you and I," I whispered into the enclosing darkness of the night.
"What a time, indeed. Shit, Bella you need to go. My mum and dad will be-"
What a time, to be found by your parents, sex still mingling in the air.
it was torture for you and I, the ban our parents had imposed to stop us from seeing each other; it didn't take too long for them to give up though.
~0~0~0~
I know we didn't end it like we're supposed to, that bubble we had created.
However, life had the worst habit of getting in the way.
Senior year had become difficult. Both eighteen and so close to finishing school.
"And now we get a bit tense," I had said to Alice, when she had gushed about how her and Jasper were going to follow each to the end of the universe.
We were going to do that, weren't we, Edward?
"I wonder if my mind just leaves out all the bad parts," I continued, thinking of our recent bickering.
It wasn't us and our relationship, that we had the problem with. I didn't think anyway.
Maybe you did.
A wedge had come between us in the form of application to colleges, cramming in revision, hanging out with friends. Parents not letting go of the last our childhood.
Grandma and Grandpa Swan dying within a month of each other.
That was tough, but you held me through it. Your parents let you come to Seattle with me and my family for the first time.
Everything felt like the old us then, the normal us.
Laughing when the ice – cream fell down my shirt.
Laughing when you tripped and scraped your knee like you did when you were clumsy and thirteen.
You holding me while I sobbed because two of my favourite people left this world.
"I didn't believe in the afterlife, but I liked to think of them dancing in the sky instead of their living room. A new family lives there now, hopefully making their own footsteps, their own rhythm," I told you and you kissed me, swallowing my words and sorrow.
When we got home, we managed to grip onto Seattle for a little while longer.
I remember being so angry with my mum when she didn't let me see you the next day, as twelve hours felt like an eternity.
More so, I was angry that she had said no to me. My father yes, but her, never.
I had said we were going to be hanging out in passing, when she was doing some home improvements.
She put down the hammer and sighed long and hard, "Bella. I know what I did to you when you were a child was wrong. Actually, it was down – right repulsive and I can't ask you to completely forgive me, because I don't think I deserve that. I will be sorry for the rest of my life."
Taking a deep breath, she continued, "but the mother in wants to tell you, you must move on from this. This hate that you hold will ruin your life…You are my child and your father, and I have done a decent job raising you. I am not letting you walk over me anymore. I want you to be my daughter, not my enemy. Edward can wait today, you and I are going to go out shopping and you're going to let me mend my relationship with you, do you understand?"
It was the day that our relationship had blossomed, and I started to let go of the child-less mother that I was, because I had a mother; and she wasn't half – bad. The thorns would always be there, but the rose would bloom, and the petals would start to cover some of what still prickled.
Afterwards, you climbed through my window and I told you about my day and what had transpired. You did the same… How you were leaning towards attending Portland State College than Seattle.
"We can make it work," I whispered.
Smiling at me, you laced our fingers together and I knew we would be okay, because we loved each other.
And, in the movies, that was enough.
~0~0~0~
At 3 a.m. I try and shake myself out of the memories you gave me.
It never seems to work.
~0~0~0~
I know we didn't make sense; I'd tell myself in the shower when I was feeling particularly low. So different, you and me. You were careless to my stubborn, sweet to my sour, silent to my loud.
I thought that made us better, my new friends didn't agree.
Our old friends didn't offer me their thoughts and I stopped asking
You just left one day, with no explanation; only that we were over. I remember how hurt and angry I had become, sending you message after message how I wanted you to come back.
You never replied.
"I admit it that I think about it sometimes," I told my mum over the phone when I moved into my college dorm, alone.
"I know honey. I spoke to Esme… Edward, he isn't doing too well either, I just think-"
"Even though I know it's not so distant, oh, no, I still wanna reminisce it. And I can't think about him anymore. Because it hurts too fucking, mum. I want you to make it stop. Please," I screeched, tears streaming down my checks, falling into my mouth.
"Sh, sh, it's okay," she soothed and reassured me it would get better with time.
I think of the night in the park, it was getting dark, Edward, do you? And we stayed up for hours, talking and fucking, planning our future. What a time, what a time, what a time, we'd chant gleefully, so young and happy and fucking stupid.
You clinged to my body like you wanted it forever, can you remember? Because I do, every time I close my fucking eyes. What a time, to be alive. What a time, for two pieces of a puzzle to come together. What a time, to be able to love something as much as I loved you.
Now, when I think about you, all I feel is numb.
For you and I, clearly weren't really meant to be, you showed me that; Edward.
What a time, what a time
For you and I
For you and I
For you and I
For you and I
What a time, what a time for you and I
What a time for you and I, yeah
What a time, what a time for you and I, to end.
~0~0~0~
My father raises his coffee cup when I came down the next morning after the phone call with Edward.
It shows I slept horribly, even with some light make – up on.
"Need one, Bells? You look like an extra in the walking dead," he chuckles from his seat at the kitchen table.
`Charlie!" Mum playfully chastises, hitting him on the arm.
"Wow dad. Thanks." I reply dryly, taking a seat for breakfast.
It had been a long time since we had done this, since I had been home.
Edward's parents re-located to another neighbourhood in Forks a few months back, so I finally had the courage to visit my bricks and cement. I couldn't bear the thought of running into any of the Cullen's.
My parents had always came to Seattle, which worked out well due to the family connections we had there.
My phone beeps in my pocket. I pull it out and reply: Yes. Meet me there, later.
"So, Bells. I'm thinking we can go and have a full family Swan day." My dad says as I cut into scrambled eggs.
Mum and I groan.
A full family Swan day meant dad taking us to the local hardware store, grabbing a greasy burger at the diner and make us watch game shows.
Maybe, secretly, I love it.
"Fine, dad. I'm catching up with an old friend later though," I mention, hoping no - one will say anything.
They don't and it isn't needed, I see their response in their eyes.
The day rolls by and the clock ticks in the background.
I can't settle until I see you. I don't want to, but I need to say goodbye, Edward.
Maybe, I can make up with Jeremy, he's cute and still likes me. Maybe, after two years, I can finally let you go.
When I see you walk towards me though, I'm hit by the very last time I saw you.
~0~0~0~
Like many, we experienced a pregnancy scare. You were mature, not offering much verbally, just taking me into your arms.
Rosalie, the only adult I knew that wouldn't punish me; took me to a pharmacy and bought me a pregnancy test. It was shameful, the way the clerk looked at Rosalie. Guilt sunk in, and I realised the magnitude of the situation.
"It's negative," Rosalie sighed with relief, when I handed it to her; unable to look at the answer myself.
I giggled nervously, the stress melting away from my bones. Something else swirled underneath my relief. I realised it was disappointment.
And that, made me feel so stupid. I was young with everything in front of me, a baby would complicate things.
Even if it was the perfect mixture of us.
I think of the night in the park, it was getting dark, when you strolled in a time later. You had your reasons for not coming with me earlier in the day and I didn't question you.
You grinned when I told you the happy news, and we stayed up for hours, talking about college, mapping out how we were going to keep in touch, and how often we were going to see each other.
What a lie, what a lie, what a lie, I taunt to myself. Because what I failed to notice, was you were just saying goodbye. I realise now the conversation was one-sided.
You clinged to my body like you wanted it forever, after you used it. What a lie, what a lie, what a lie, when you held me in your arms and kissed me and breathed me in and loved me.
"For you and I, will always have this," you promised, What a lie, what a lie.
You were right, I would always have this. These horrible memories that haunted my every moment.
Why couldn't you just have loved me enough, Edward?
~0~0~0~
The park looks the same and the air is chilly. I blame the breeze for the tears in my eyes.
It's awkward.
You stand there, hands in your jean pockets, kicking the dirt.
A few feet in between us, but you almost don't seem real.
"I haven't been to this park in years," you mention.
It's strange what two years can do to a person. You look older, more defined.
I wonder what you see when you look at me.
My hair isn't as long, and I dyed the ends red. I put on some weight, but I liked that way it sits on my body.
"Me either," my words are harsh and cut like knives.
You know what I'm implying, and you wince.
"You ruined everything for me, Edward. Do you know what? I was a zombie for three months after you left." I shout angrily, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I know, I'm sorry." You apologise.
Like it's enough.
"You didn't need to lie to me. You could have told me you didn't want me anymore. I could have taken it."
"I know, I'm sorry." The guilt on your face does nothing to quieten my sorrow.
"Is that all you're going to say?" I demand, the wind carrying my words.
"No."
You don't offer anything else and I blink slowly at you.
"Right. Well, okay. Here's what I'm going to say to you. I hate you. I hate you, so fucking much. I wished I had never met you. I thought we were going to be together forever, but everyone else was right. We were never going to make it," I cry softly and clench my fists, "I want to say goodbye Edward, to us. And most importantly the person I was with you."
You're looking anywhere but me.
"Do you really hate me?" You ask, like you have the right to be offended.
"Yes. No. I don't know." I answer as honestly as possible.
You're quiet for a moment, "you deserve to know why I left."
I laugh, so hard I wind myself, "no shit you bastard."
Your smile holds no humour, when you stop being a coward.
"Just listen, please…" You breath deeply and begin, "I was scared Bella; I was scared that we were holding each other back because we loved each other so much. Shit, love, all I could ever think about was you." My heart skipped a beat when you called me that. "We weren't our own people anymore and that terrified me. What If college changed us? What if we didn't make it? I'd be left with a hole in my chest but at least if I left first, I could control it. I could control moving on. Does that make sense?"
It did, somewhat.
Your reasoning lacked the lustre I craved, though. That was it? For two years I lived in utter misery because you were scared of changed.
"You're pathetic and so is your excuse. I don't want it. But just for the shit and giggles. Did it work? Did you move on? Come on, Edward, don't hold back on my account. What's another bruise?" I ask sarcastically.
"No, how could I move on from you? It's not enough to look at you through pictures anymore. I – I am transferring to Seattle. I still love you, love. I'm not asking for you to forgive me now, but I hope one day you can. Even if we're just friends and I have to watch you be happy with someone else, it's nothing short of what I deserve."
~0~0~0~
God, do I taunt you when you move to campus.
I don't talk to you or acknowledge your existence for a while.
You see me though, at parties, hanging around with different guys. You know I don't do anything with them, it still hurts you, though.
And I rejoice in it.
For you and I, might never be able to be the same. Not after what you did. My friends hate you. My dad hates you; my mum is slightly more forgiving.
I want to hate you.
I don't hate you.
~0~0~0~
Time passes so quickly. I had held off falling into your arms for two months.
One day, I finally decide to stop stringing you along. It had been getting tiring, playing all these gamed, and I realise it was hurting me just as much as it was hurting you.
An earful from Jasper on the phone may also have played a vital role.
"Jesus Bella! What he did was a dick move. And he does deserve what you've dished ouy, he knows he does too, I'm just afraid that you're going to drive him to a place that he's never going to come back from."
I agree and then call him a dickhead and make plans to meet up soon.
Later, I catch you walking across campus. It's sunny and you squint at a piece of paper in your hands.
You don't see that I'm walking towards you, but you feel when I push you against a tree and let me hold you prisoner. The people outside don't acknowledge us. Students get up too much worse.
"Bella." You whisper my name like a prayer.
"I'm sorry," I admit as you drop everything you held in your hand.
You shake your head, and whisper something that I can't hear and kiss me.
Its claiming and rough, our teeth clash and our tongues stroke.
You pull back, "I want to, like Alice and Japer."
My grin is wide, "No, I want to like Bella and Edward."
For you and I, can get through anything.
For you, I'm willing to make it work, even though we've both caused each other pain.
For you and I (For you)
For you and I (For you and I)
For you and I, yeah, will always love each other, Edward.
:D