Chapter 17

Days have passed by slowly since I was raped by Shane. That day, after he had finished, he had simply got dressed and left without a word. I had stayed in my room for the rest of the day, feigning illness so that I could be left alone. I have not uttered even one word of what happened to me. Not one. I know that if I do then it could cause hurt or confusion within the camp. I had gone willingly with him up to my room. I had wanted to have sex for the first time. I wanted to know what it was like, and my initial conquest had been Daryl. Despite me denying my feelings for him, I couldn't deny that he had caused me to think of him in a sexual way. At least I HAD thought of him like that.

When I had approached him, he had been as brash and annoying as usual. I am not really sure what I expected from him, but I thought he would be easy to seduce. I had ended up embarrassing myself. And with my pride in tatters, and with anger towards Daryl, I had ventured over to the other single, younger male in the group. At first, I thought it had been what I wanted. I had flirted, and asked if he wanted to go somewhere quieter. He had agreed immediately, and followed as I led him to my bedroom. I had led him there, and I had locked the door so that we wouldn't be disturbed. But as we started kissing, and as he started to touch me, I had felt nothing but repulsion. I had simply gone with Shane to get back at Daryl, but I changed my mind. Shane was having none of it. After calling me a tease, he had raped me. But who would believe that I didn't want it? Nobody would believe me.

And so, the next day, I had taken the approach of my sister. I had brushed myself off, stood straight and held my head high. When I first saw Shane, I had felt panic and fear rise up inside me, especially when he looked at me with that smug face, but I simply walked away. Almost a week has passed and I have decided to stay out of his way. The memory of what he did has stayed with me, but I wont let him win. I won't let him beat me. I changed my clothes and got on with it. And here I sit, atop my dads old car, sipping on a bottle of whiskey that was hidden at the back of cupboard, under the sink. It doesn't taste very nice, but it is creating a nice haze around my vision. The edge is wearing away slowly, and I smile at the warm feeling that is travelling over my body. I stare down at the bottle and notice that the almost full bottle is now almost empty. I laugh hysterically. I don't really know why it is so funny, but I collapse in a heap on the grass, tears starting to fall.

'Are you drunk?!'

The voice is authoritative! Oh Oh! Busted!

'No, Dad... Of course not.'

I look up into the face of my father, who is staring down at me with the usual disgust and disappointment etched for me to see. I roll my eyes at him dramatically. The treatment he is giving me is getting tedious. I am back now! Why does he have to keep punishing me?

'Can you ever just act like a decent person?'

I stare at him with the same amount of contempt on my face. I stand up, swaying slightly but desperate to not give him the satisfaction of seeing how right he was about my intoxication.

'Dad, can you get off my case for just one day?'

Anger flashes across my Fathers face and I see the effort it is taking for him to control himself. It may be the wrong type of emotion that I have gathered from him, but it is something and I want more.

'You know, I have been back for weeks and you have failed to treat me like your daughter. I get it, you were disappointed when I left, but I am back now. Why cant you just move on Dad? Oh wait...it's because you blame me, don't you?'

'Not NOW!'

I watch as my fathers jaw tenses. He is struggling to hold it together, but he refuses to give in to me. The anger penetrates my body, and I feel all the hurt, resentment and shame come out and at my father.

'No, Dad... Now is the perfect time. You blame me for leaving. You blame me for turning away from the family. And don't tell me... you also blame me for their deaths. Which, by the way, I think is fucking laughable really. I wasn't even here... so really, the blame should be with you, seeing as you were here and you did nothing to...'

The sentence is cut off by the stinging heat in my cheek as my Fathers palm connects with my skin. His attack was quick and hit the mark. His eyes are fiery, and he grabs my collar, pulling me to him roughly. For the first time in my life, I fear him. I look up into the eyes of the man I have always looked up to and I see a stranger. I pushed him to this. I am feeling low after everything that has happened lately and I pushed the only one that I should be trying to build bridges with.

This man in front of me doesn't appear to like me very much. The realisation hits me harder than the slap. I see the clenched fist that he holds down beside me, and I wait for the blow to come.

'You selfish, little...'

The hand moves...

'DAD! Don't... Let go of her. Dad, please! Don't do this!'

Maggie is beside us, reaching out to our father, pleading with him to release his grip on me. I stare teary eyed at my family and see how my selfish actions all those years ago caused a divide between our family. They are on one side, and I am on the other. And I have no idea how to bridge that gap. I pull away from my Father, noticing the pain and anger and hurt on his face. Deep down, I know he loves me, but right now he fails to even look at me. I watch as my sister guides him away from me, walking him back to the house. A crowd has gathered, and I scan them briefly, shame and embarrassment coating my skin. Shane is there, smugly looking at me. I have never felt more alone, than I do right now. I turn quickly and run towards the trees that edge the forest near our home.

I need to be alone.