Um yeah... sorry? It feels like it's been forever. I won't bore you with details.

This isn't a request (for the first time in however long it's been) - sorry - I'm just feeling a little down at the moment (I'm fine, I promise) and thought writing something silly would help. So here's one from my own list of ideas. Well, my own ideas with a little RotG/GoC wiki facts thrown in.

Disclaimed.

Edit: Daddy longlegs are not spiders and my life is a lie. Apologies

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Multilingual

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Jack stared at the scene before him. And stared some more. And, for the heck of it, stared a little bit more after that. He was 98% sure he was hallucinating. Because there was no way Nicholas St. North was having a conversation with a spider. It just wasn't… logical, even for someone as logic-defying as Santa Claus.

"Yes, but you will not be catching much in here, my friend," North was saying to the spider, a rather large daddy longlegs, if Jack wasn't mistaken. He paused, as if the spider was replying. "Because, as you can see, we are at North Pole! There are not many insects around here, no?"

Jack silently disagreed; Bunny could certainly be an insect when he wanted to be, pest that he often was. But, then, Bunny wasn't at the Pole, was he?

North suddenly burst into raucous laughter, startling Jack from his musing. Apparently spiders were funny. Who knew?

"Uh, North?" he called, finally stepping into the room. "You do realise you're talking to a spider, right?"

North turned to face him, a big smile on his face. "Ah, Jack! Welcome!" he greeted warmly. His attention returned to the spider. "No, I do not think he intended to insult you."

Jack raised a brow, unsure whether to be concerned or amused.

"To answer your question, Jack: no, but also yes! Daddy longlegs, you see, are not actually spiders, though they are arachnids. It would seem our small friend here accidentally stowed away. I was just telling him he will have to move further south; there is not much to eat for a spider here."

Jack's gaze darted quickly from North to the fraud-spider and back again. "Um, okay…" All that eggnog must've finally gotten to him.

"So what brings you here?" North asked, completely oblivious to the younger spirit's bafflement.

"Oh, you know, just stopping by," Jack waved his staff a little, eyes firmly on North and not the daddy longlegs dangling innocently from the rafters. "Thought I'd come check in and see how you're doing…" He'd expected the usual 'all is well, Christmas preparations are all in order' that he usually got. Not… this.

"I am doing well!" North placed his hands on his hips. "Everything is on track, like always."

"Good," Jack said lamely. He wondered if there was a polite way of pointing out the problem with the scene in front of him. "That's good."

"I am sure, if you ask nicely, Jack would be willing to take you," North suddenly said to the spider, as if in response to a question. "No, no, he is good boy. He will not squish you."

Screw it; he'd never been one for subtlety anyway. "North, you know 'arachnids' can't talk, right?"

North looked at him like he'd gone a little loopy. "Bah! Of course they can! They always have good stories to tell," he waved at him flippantly.

"No, really."

From the look he was receiving, Jack decided the older man wasn't kidding.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," North nodded. "Just because you do not understand, does not mean they have nothing to say, no? Is it not the same for you and the wind?"

Well, he had a point, Jack supposed. "So what you're telling me is that you speak spider. Or not-spider. Or whatever."

"Well, bug, actually, but is close enough. I also speak hamster and leech," he stated proudly. "Children's pets are often very knowledgeable in what child wants for Christmas if they did not write letter, you see."

"I guess that makes sense," Jack frowned. He supposed this meant he was about to become a taxi for an arachnid. "So, uh, I'm gonna head off then, if the thing wants a lift." This was more weird than he could handle for one day. He'd probably think it was pretty cool once it'd processed properly, though. "Did he say where he wants to go?"

North turned to the daddy longlegs. "He says he does not mind, as long as there is food."

Jack nodded, scooping up the arachnid and depositing it gently in his pocket. "Better hang on," he warned. "I'll catch you later, North!" he called, already halfway down the hall.

...

...

"Okay, home sweet home," Jack said, cautiously holding his hand out so his passenger could climb out. He carefully settled it on a leaf. "You're in the Warren," he explained, feeling a little weird. "Home of one grumpy, overgrown rabbit." He paused. "Get him to walk into one of your webs and we'll call it even."

Jack had no idea if the daddy longlegs had understood, let alone agreed, but oh well. The mental image of the unsuspecting Pooka getting tormented by an arachnid (which, he noted gleefully, could never be traced back to him – this was hardly the only spider... or not-spider in the garden, after all) was reward enough.

Guest Review Responses:

Guest: (Ch.59:) You know, I was probably inspired by that. Who knows? (Ch.85:) Oh dear. Sorry XD Conspiracy theories are fun, though

Guest: (The other one) And isn't that a scary thought :P