Henry woke with a start, and before he was fully cognizant he knew that something was amiss. The bedroom existed in near-complete darkness, the only light visible being a faint glow emitting from the singing crystal at the foot of the bed. The cat was curled up nearby, like usual, yet the scene was wrong, the room too still.
He sat up and shuffled the blankets off, kicking them down the bed and gaining free movement of his body. While squinting into the darkness he looked left to where Sebastian should lay, and instead found an empty space with slightly disheveled bedding.
With one hand stretched out he groped toward the other pillow, fingers searching curiously for a note that would explain his husband's absence. He found none.
Henry's brows furrowed and he frowned, pulling his hand back to his lap. They had been married and living together not even a month, and he didn't know what to make of this mystifying event.
Still sitting up in bed Henry continued to look around the room. Now that his eyes were adjusting to the dim light he was able to make out more features of the scene before him. Aside from Sebastian's absence nothing else appeared out of place. His rucksack rested against a chest on the opposite wall, their clothing rack stood tall and untouched, and he now noted the low pitched hum of Sebastian's computer. The tiny lights on the tower caused a pale green shine to appear on the glass of their new frog terrarium.
Henry swung his legs to the right and stood up out of bed. The floor was cool, but not cold; it was the beginning of summer and the heat had come on quickly. In spite of the mild concern growing in his mind, he couldn't help smiling as a memory from the other day floated to the front of his thoughts.
He had woken like usual to find Sebastian at the kitchen table reading comics. As Henry set about making coffee he had stopped to snake an arm around Sebastian's neck, leaning in for a good morning hug and kiss. It was returned enthusiastically yet Sebastian pulled away quickly. Before Henry had a chance to ask, he'd said, "Sorry, I think I stink - I was sweating so much last night from the heat."
This had caught Henry so off guard that he burst out laughing, then he ducked down and planted more kisses onto Sebastian's perplexed face.
"You don't stink to me, sweetie," Henry said, "but I appreciate the courtesy."
Sebastian had smiled bashfully and said, "Oh, uh, well... that's good," and held the comic book up to cover his face in exaggerated embarrassment.
"Perhaps we should get a fan," Henry thought, recalling himself to the cool, dark, empty room in which he now stood. The sunny, hot morning memory faded and was replaced once again with mounting worry.
He began to move about the room to check for places other than the pillow that Sebastian might have left a note. His fingers skimmed the surface of the nightstands, picked through debris on the computer desk, and checked the corkboard on the wall. Nothing.
As he left the bedroom the cat lifted her head and trilled gently, but made no effort to get up.
"I'll find him. You go back to sleep, Jpeg," Henry's voice came out soft and low, and the cat laid her head back down and began to purr loudly.
Once in the main house Henry checked the clock on the wall. It was just after 3 am. In a last attempt to find answers he checked the refrigerator door and the kitchen table, but both were devoid of notes. He pulled a chair away from the wooden table and sat down heavily, throwing his elbows up and resting his face in his hands.
Had Sebastian mentioned needing to get up early? Had he, Henry, forgotten something? It just didn't make sense for him to disappear like this. True, their marriage was new and with plenty to learn about one another, but hadn't they known each other for over two years now? And, more than that, hadn't things always been great between them?
Ever since they'd become close there had been nothing but respect, affection, and honesty. Henry trusted Sebastian with all of his heart, and yet...
Maybe Sebastian was having regrets? Maybe living on a farm wasn't as fulfilling as he thought it would be. Maybe, just maybe, he missed his old life too much.
When they first started dating Sebastian frequently mentioned wanting to leave Stardew Valley. It was his dream to head for the big city and do something exciting, vibrant, and modern. Henry knew that their relationship changed things for Sebastian and now, for the first time, he felt truly worried about that fact.
What would he do if Sebastian left? If he turned up a week later, proclaimed that he'd made a mistake and found a place in the city, plus a programming job to boot, and he simply couldn't keep this commitment?
Henry's head slowly drooped down his arms until he was clutching at his untidy hair, eyes staring at, but not seeing, the wood grain surface of the table. He felt panicked and hot, his breath coming quickly as his heart began to race.
"Not another panic attack," he groaned to himself, squeezing his eyes tightly closed and grinding his teeth together.
He jumped up from the table and began to pace the length of the kitchen, taking deep breaths in while counting to four, holding the breath for a moment, then exhaling steadily through his nose.
On his fifth lap, when he arrived at the top of the cellar stairs, he stomped his feet a few times and shook his limbs rapidly, then turned and walked quickly back toward the bedroom. His breathing exercises weren't working and the panic in his chest was rising to a hysterical level. He felt waves of surreal terror crashing over his mind, and he burst into the dark bedroom, arms outstretched, groping desperately for the cat.
Jpeg squawked in surprise as he scooped her off the bed, but didn't protest when he squeezed her into his chest and held her tightly. She began to purr again, low and deep, as Henry walked in figure eights around the room, humming rhythmically to himself.
Slowly, his breathing calmed, and the dizzying panic receded into reason once more. He gave Jpeg a final, grateful squeeze, and deposited her back onto the bed. She stretched hugely, tail in the air, then curled up once again. Henry was smiling at her, muttering nonsensical thank yous and running his hand down her back, when he heard a low rumble come from outside.
He crossed the room quickly, reaching the window above Sebastian's computer desk in moments, then parted the curtains to peer outside.
A single bright headlight was approaching the house, and with an enormous sigh of relief Henry realized that Sebastian had gone for a night ride on his motorcycle.
"Oh my god," he breathed, resting his head in his free hand, "Thank god."
But as quickly as his relief arrived, it was immediately replaced with something close to anger.
He resumed his pacing in the bedroom, hands clasped behind his back, focusing to quell the rising tide of temper that was threatening to overtake him, but before that was possible, the front door opened with a soft click.
Sebastian tiptoed into the house, his keys clenched tightly in his fist to avoid jangling noises, and shut the door noiselessly behind him. He turned to hang his keyring on the wall hook, then spotted Henry in the doorway to their bedroom.
"Oh, hi love," a smile reached his face and his voice was low. He sat down on the bench to the left of the door to untie his shoes, "Did the sound of my bike wake you up?"
Henry watched him but did not speak. The door opening had brought with it a swirl of fresh summer air, and the house was temporarily alive with the essences of fresh grass, heated rocks, and red cabbages about to burst. The way Sebastian sat there, completely unconcerned, even smiling, caused his anger to stick in his throat. He had no idea what he'd just put Henry through. The scent of summer dissolved as quickly as it arrived.
Sebastian stood up now and pulled off his hoodie, reaching to hang it above the bench.
"Is something wrong?" he asked after Henry didn't answer the first question.
Henry still hadn't spoken or moved. He remained silhouetted against the dark bedroom, hands at his sides, unsure of how to proceed.
"Um," he cleared his throat and coughed, "Do you think next time you could leave a note?" Henry's voice sounded strained, even hard. He had not succeeded at keeping the anger out. Sebastian noticed.
"What, when I go for a ride on my bike?" he replied, staying rooted in front of the shoe bench, "I told you that I go out sometimes when I can't sleep."
Things hadn't felt this strained between them since the time Sebastian took them to the city on his motorcycle and Henry chastised him for smoking cigarettes. Honesty was the best policy back then, and Henry believed that it still applied now.
"True... you did tell me that," he began slowly, his arms crossing gently, but firmly over his chest, "But when I wake up in the dead of night and you're gone... well, that could mean anything."
There was silence as the two stared at each other. Henry was feeling embarrassed about his panic attack and didn't know how to bring it up. They'd discussed his anxiety before and Sebastian had been loving and understanding, but never before had Sebastian's actions been the cause of one.
Sebastian raised his hands and rubbed them slowly over his face, then he sighed and moved them to his hips. With a glance around the room to further collect his thoughts, he took a deep breath and then spoke, fixing Henry with a direct gaze.
"What does that mean? 'It could mean anything' - where did you think I'd gone?" he was irritated, his voice slightly tinged with defense.
"That's just it, isn't it?" Henry retorted, quicker and louder than he intended to, his arms gesturing widely in front of him now, "I don't know! I wake up and you're GONE. What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to know where you are if you don't tell me?"
Sebastian's eyes narrowed slightly. This was new, uncertain territory for both of them; they hadn't had a fight before. But with luck, and control of his anger, Henry thought, this didn't need to be a fight.
Sebastian took a deep breath in and out, then spoke again.
"Obviously you are upset, and I'm sorry about that, but I never planned on giving up my independence when we got married."
His voice was calm, but he'd shifted into an arms crossed position. Neither had moved; they remained rooted to the floor some ten feet from each other.
Henry scratched the back of his head for a moment and looked around the room. He was uncomfortable. He wanted to go back to being relieved that Sebastian was safe, but his feelings at this moment were valid and needed to be explained.
"I'm not asking you to give up your independence," he said quietly, finally returning his eyes to Sebastian's, "but part of being married is being respectful and courteous toward your spouse. Toward me. I care about you, I worry about you. I love you! And when I wake up at 3 am and you're not here? With no explanation or warning? I mean... that's just terrifying."
Sebastian opened his mouth to speak, looking slightly defensive, but Henry cut him off.
"I know this has come up before. I know you told me that you do this. And I don't begrudge you your night rides. But please believe me when I say that that thought, the memory of that conversation, didn't cross my mind at all tonight."
Henry began to fiddle with the hem of his sleep t-shirt, his eyes dropping to the floor. He sensed that the tension had dissipated from the room, but the conversation wasn't over yet. When he looked up again he saw that Sebastian had uncrossed his arms, and was looking at him with mild confusion, even concern.
"What did you think happened?" Sebastian asked, quietly, "Did you think I'd just... left?"
Henry didn't answer right away. He shifted his feet for a moment, then leaned against the doorway and turned slightly away from the room so he was no longer fully facing Sebastian. He sighed and looked at the ceiling, fingers still running along the hem of his shirt. Sebastian waited.
"I guess part of me was afraid you had... I don't know," Henry swallowed and turned his head to the left to look at Sebastian, "Maybe you realized you'd made a mistake? And you didn't actually want to be here on the farm with me," his voice was small and slightly apologetic. But it was the truth. He needed to say it.
He was unable to look Sebastian in the eyes for a second longer than he spoke. He averted his gaze back to the ceiling and sighed again, feeling his eyes burn as vulnerability crept over him like a rapidly vining plant.
There was movement from the corner of his eye, and he turned sheepishly to see Sebastian approaching, looking apologetic and with one hand reaching out. Henry turned into the gesture and was embraced by Sebastian's long, lean arms. They stood in the bedroom doorway for a moment, holding each other silently. Henry felt small and foolish, rather glad that Sebastian had said nothing.
Sebastian's arms were around Henry, one hand grazing across his lower back, the other sliding up his neck and into his disheveled hair. After a moment Sebastian placed a kiss on the top of Henry's head. Then they broke apart to look at each other again.
"That," Sebastian began, taking Henry's hand in his and leading him into the bedroom, "is one of the more ridiculous things you've ever said to me."
Henry chuckled a bit, feeling relieved that the tension was broken. What was even better was the feel of Sebastian's skin against his own.
"I am happy here with you," he said fervently, grabbing Henry's other hand in his own so that they stood face to face, a mere foot apart, "I don't regret marrying you. I don't regret staying in Stardew Valley."
Sebastian smiled, an amused look twisting his lips.
"True, I never thought I'd be happy staying, and I sure as hell never pictured living on a farm. But," he closed his eyes and shrugged, the gesture playing across his mouth as well as his shoulders, "I also didn't think I would find someone like you here."
With that, he leaned down and planted a soft kiss on Henry's mouth. They embraced for another moment, then Henry pulled back, his arms still wrapped around Sebastian's slender torso.
"Hm. Well, thank you for saying that," he smiled now, too, feeling sheepish, "I'll keep it in mind for the future."
Sebastian smiled too and let go of Henry, then walked around to his side of the bed and pulled back the blankets. The motion woke Jpeg and she trilled again, excited to see Sebastian.
"But hey," Henry said suddenly, and Sebastian paused halfway into bed, the covers held in his hands, "I'm serious. I need a note next time. It's not controlling, it's respectful. This is important to me."
Sebastian exhaled through his nose and finished settling himself into bed. He patted the blankets next to him, and Henry climbed in as well. Once they were both enveloped by the covers Sebastian gathered Henry into a hug and sighed deeply.
"OK," he said at last, sounding sleepy and resigned, "I'll leave a note. But I want some fun paper to use."
Henry chuckled and patted Sebastian on the hand, "Anything that makes it easier for you to actually write the note. Absolutely."
Sebastian squeezed Henry tightly one last time and whispered in his ear, "I'm really sorry that I upset you."
"Thank you," Henry replied, voice coming slow and drowsy now, "Thank you for saying that," he felt himself on the edge of bringing up his panic attack, but decided that could wait for another day, another time when they weren't so tired.
A few moments of silence passed.
"Hey," Henry said, sudden amusement flaring in his mind, and there was a pause as Sebastian waited, "we survived our first fight!"
Sebastian scoffed and yawned.
"This wasn't a fight," he murmured into Henry's hair.
Henry felt a smile light up his face once more, then he drifted off to sleep, content under the weight of Sebastian's heavy arm.