I sat in my room with my sketchpad and sharpie markers trying out another tag with the name Sh4m, and so far it's being actually going well…
Words feel ok, and the style isn't that generic.
I looked over at the clock, 12:48, I should probably get to bed…
As I put my sketchpad away along with my sharpie markers, I headed towards the bathroom where I'd brush my teeth.
As I brushed, I couldn't help but think about what Sayori told me earlier today…
9 hours earlier…
I stood there in front of Sayori as she read my poem, her eyes had a serious yet gentle feel to them as she finally finished it and faced me.
"I like it!" she said with serious tone as she wore a gentle smile.
I wasn't sure how to take this when Sayori told me what she thought.
On one hand I want to believe her and actually take her compliment seriously, but on the other hand because I was Sayori's childhood friend, I couldn't help but doubt that she's only saying this to make sure my feelings aren't hurt.
"Really?" I tried to say with a casual tone holding back my suspicion.
"Yeah, I like it. It doesn't make me feel something like Yuri's, it doesn't share a message like Natsuki's, and it doesn't have a meaning like me or Monika's, it's just a poem that says you, and no one else." She said with a warm smile.
"Of course there are some problems with it, but that's ok, everyone here can help you make it better!" She said as she handed me my poem back.
It was at this time that Monika stepped in, "She's right, all 4 of us can help you refine your work, but in the end, it's your work and only you can make it unique."
Bold of you guys to assume that the 4 of you alone will be able to refine my poems, but if you say so…
I ended up laughing a bit to myself after Monika said her bit before telling them, "Well, I don't believe any of what you guys say, but if you say so then give it a shot, no promises though…."
"...Of course you would say that, You're not you if you don't shoot down some positivity…" Sayori said as she probably got annoyed with me in general.
"Just being a realist…" I replied as I took my seat.
"...or just being a pessimist…" Monika said under her breath.
"You say something?" I ask with fake happiness in my voice
"Oh it's nothing! I'm just a bit eager to hear your poem on Friday." Monika replied with the same tone I had.
"Haha! Well don't be, I already told you not to expect much…" I replied back
"Noted…" Monika said as she probably ignored the last thing I said
The rest of the time in class was spent either editing our poems or doing something else.
Present…
'It's my work, and only I can make it unique' I repeated in my head as I brushed my teeth.
This wasn't the first time I heard this quote, or at least something like it. My Art teacher last year told me this multiple times, and after hearing it enough times I can't help but feel like those words don't have much meaning for me anymore.
It's like the word "Sorry", when you say it the first couple times, of course you take it seriously, but after awhile of repeat after repeat, it loses all meaning.
Yeah, my Art is my Art, but after doing it for so long while trying different ways to make it unique to me, it's all the same in the end where I'm just not satisfied with what's in front of me.
Yeah, I can still draw what's good in the point of view of others, but I can't help but feel...indifferent…at it.
Maybe I'm just expecting too much out of myself, maybe I just need to relax and not give a shit about my work…
...Oh wait, I'm already at that stage but on steroids...Well shit…
I stopped brushing my teeth and rinsed out a couple times before flossing and heading to bed.
Sigh, I'm only a teen and life is always trying to get me down, I can't imagine how I'll be when I'm "an adult"...
I laid on my bed and went to sleep getting myself a solid 6-ish hours of sleep, just like every other night…
Rinse and repeat of my morning routine, you know the drill.
As I headed outside to go to school and started walking down the usual path for about 10 minutes, I couldn't help but notice that Sayori hasn't gotten out of her house yet.
I headed back to her house and opened the door with my spare key. Her parents usually leave as early as mine so theoretically there should only be Sayori…
I opened the front door and entered the house, "Sayori!" I called out from the front entrance I heard no response so I took it upon myself to head to her room.
As I walked up to her room in the second floor, I was starting to get anxious for the worse reasons. I was getting weird vibes just like last time when Sayori almost tried to kill herself, this made me head to her room quicker and when I got there, I hesitated for a moment before opening the door.
As I opened the door, I saw Sayori in her Pj's sitting up on the bed with her hands covering her face, it wasn't hard to tell what she as feeling since you could hear audible sobs from the doorway.
I leaned my bag near one of the walls and walked up to Sayori as she sobbed to herself. I sat next to her to try and comfort her as I put my hand on her shoulder.
"I'm...sorry, you have to….see me this way…" She said in between the sobs.
"It's ok, getting more of those dreams?" I asked, She nodded her head as she tried to wipe away the tears blurring her vision.
"How long was it this time?" I asked
"...5…" She managed to reply.
5 hours of crying this time huh….
It's been a theme lately of Sayori getting some kind of dream/nightmare where she either killed herself and sees it all unfold to her or have her "demons" be very vocal on how they feel. It usually doesn't happen much, but when it does, it comes in full force leaving Sayori a mess.
"Alright, I'll tell the school, both of us won't be coming today." I said as I headed towards the living room to get the landline phone (only 90's kids will know what a landline is.)
"I'm sorry…" Sayori said as she continued to wipe her tears.
"These things happens, no need to apologise." I said as I left the room and went for the phone.
After 10 minutes of explaining the school admin's what was going on and getting the greenlight to stay home, I headed into the kitchen to make some eggs and toast for Sayori.
It's not much coming from me, but since this is the only thing I know how to make, and Sayori probably hasn't eaten yet, its at least something.
I grabbed a small pan from the cupboard to the side of the stove and poured a bit of vegetable oil so it wouldn't stick on the pan. I cracked two eggs and watched the yolk fall onto the pan as sizzled from the heat. I then took a plastic spatula and started to break the yolk and scramble it before getting two pieces of bread for the toast.
With a bit more time for the egg to cook, I flipped it on both sides, making the egg get a slightly golden color before putting it on a plate and letting it cool a bit on the dinner table. I'd come back for the toast when it was ready.
I soon headed back up the stairs and into Sayori's room where I'd notice that Sayori not in her bed anymore.
I stepped outside her room and walked to the bathroom where I heard water from the sink being splashed around.
I knocked on the door for a bit, "Hey Sayori. When you're done, head downstairs, I've already made breakfast." I said
"Okay…" Sayori managed to say as her voice sounded raspy.
I waited near the kitchen for what seemed like 15 minutes before Sayori came downstairs and started to eat the breakfast I made her.
By the looks of it, her eyes don't look too puffy, but it was still easy enough to tell that she was crying.
"Thanks…" she said in her raspy voice.
"Yeah, no problem." I said as I began buttering the light brown bread I toasted earlier.
I sat next to Sayori as I laid down some toast and OJ for her.
I stared at the ceiling while Sayori ate, just thinking to myself until I felt my phone vibrate.
I've gotten a text from my Dad asking if I was at Sayori's house right now;
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Dad:
Are you at Sayori's house right now?
I got a message from Mr. Watanabe asking why he was
notified from the school saying that Sayori wouldn't be able to come.
Is everything alright?
8:10
Me:
Everything seems to be fine for now,
She got another one of those dreams…
8:11
Dad:
Poor Sayori, it's still hard to believe someone as positive as her
could have demons that could almost push her over the edge.
I'm glad that your watching over her and being there when she needs someone.
8:11
Me:
Yeah, no kidding. I'm probably gonna be staying over
until her parents are off from work.
Don't want them to come home early
and get an earful from their boss.
8:13
Dad:
Doesn't matter, that's a risk us parents
are more than willing to take if it's for their child,
I'd do the same for you if you were in that position.
You know that right?
8:14
Me:
Yeah, I know.
8:14
Dad:
Good, I gotta head back to work
before my boss gives me an earful.
I'll see you at dinner, love you Jun.
8:15
Me:
Love you too Dad.
Read - 8:15
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
I put my phone away back into my pocket and noticed that Sayori was done with her breakfast.
I grabbed the plate, cup, and fork and headed to the sink to wash them, "Since we have the day off, if you want we could hang out here or you could go back into your room and sleep more. I'll be down here, so if you need anything let me know." I said as I started to wash them.
"Thanks, sorry you have to waste your time here when you could be doing something else." Sayori said as she began to guilt trip herself.
"Come on Sayori, you know me. Literally anything I do is considered productive, that's how much of a low life I am." I said as I continued to scrub the pan and plate.
Sayori managed to crack a small smile when I said that.
"Besides, I'm already too far gone to be considered worth saving. You, on the other hand, still have a chance to change things. Not a lot of people get those chances you know." I continued
Sayori laughed a bit dryly as she heard me say that, "Come on, you're not that bad…"
I playfully argued with her, "I'm not joking, the internet has turned me from an innocent boy to a corrupted man, I'm too deep in the web and can't go back…" The fact that I use Reddit and 4Chan for shitposts on occasions proves it too.
I finished washing the dishes and dried my hands from some paper towels nearby. I then walked over to the couch where the Tv was hanging over the fireplace and turned it on.
I flipped through some of the channels before stopping on a channel where a movie was playing.
I turned my head towards Sayori and was about to ask her if she wanted to watch a movie with me but by the looks of it, she seemed to be in her own world at the moment as she spaced out.
I wasn't sure what to do at this point, whether or not I'd wake her up from whatever she was daydreaming of right now or just to leave her be…
Before I decided to leave this situation alone, I'd try one thing that might have a small chance of helping Sayori out.
As I forced my lazy ass out of the couch and back upstairs as I headed into Sayori's room, I reached out into my bag and pulled out a notebook and my mechanical pencil.
As I went back downstairs and towards Sayori, I laid the notebook right in front of her and put pencil right next to it.
She seemed to have snapped out of it for the most part as she looked at me and the notebook with a weird look.
I then explained to her what I wanted her to do;
"You want me to write a story using my feelings?" She said repeating what I told her
"Now hear me out on this: It's been proven, to an extent, that exerting emotions/raw feelings towards something creative helps a bit when it comes to relieving some of those emotions. You've been writing poems for…?" I said while gesturing for Sayori to finish the sentence.
"Umm, just about a year at this point I think…" She said
"One year it is then, and for that year you've been writing Poems for Monika and them right? Based off my internet and pieced together knowledge, poems are usually one page which are restrictive when it comes to expressing yourself, so why not take an entire notebook, just cut loose, and write a story on whatever. Writing can unexpectedly be a form of therapy for some if they really put some effort into it." I finished as I handed Sayori the pencil.
"I...don't know about this Jun. I know what you're talking about since writing poems are an outlet of sorts for my problems but..." Sayori said as she started to look down.
She started to droop her shoulders as she gave out an unmotivated sigh.
I backed off of her and stopped pushing the idea, "Alright, fair enough. Sorry for pushing this into you."
She gave me a slight smile, "It's alright, I know you want to help, and I thank you for that even if It doesn't work, but this is a problem I might have to deal with on my own."
"Alright, I'll trust that you'll be able to keep yourself locked down. Just know that there are people you can to talk to about it, you're not alone." I said hopefully reassuring her.
She continued to give her small smile, "Yeah I know, I'm just glad to have friends like you and Monika to help me out when I need it."
Sayori got up from where she sat and started to walk to her room, "I appreciate your help and the breakfast, but for now just let me be by myself. If you want, you could go back to your house. I'm just gonna be in my room, probably gonna work on some homework."
Without another word, she left me in the living room and went her room.
I sighed to myself, well at least I tried…
I sat there at the couch watching the movie for an hour before shutting off the T.V completely.
I got up from where I sat and headed towards the front door, since I was staying at Sayori's home for the day, I might as well work on my tags and eventually go to a throw.
I left Sayori's home for a quick minute as I hopped the fence over to my house as I brought my sketchpad and sharpies of different sizes and tip shape.
I spent the next 3-4 hours working on my tag and scribbling out some of them out for non-flowing word structures or style biting.
As I sat on the couch with my earbuds plugged into my phone, I started to feel the familiar sensation of starvation as it ate away at my body.
I stopped what I was doing and checked the time, it was already 12-ish.
I got up from the couch and cracked a lot of my bones, my spine included, and went to reach over to my bag which I forgot to grab from Sayori's room.
I walked up the stairs and reached Sayori's room, I knocked gently on the door for the second time this day, "Hey Sayori, can you do me a favor?" I said hoping it was loud enough to reach her.
For a couple minutes I got no response so I knocked again, "Sayori?" I said a little louder.
Still no response, I started to get a little worried.
I tried to open the door only to find it locked, a lot of alarms were going off in my head.
I wasn't strong enough to bust down the door with my body strength, and couldn't kick down the door just incase Sayori was actually safe and just a heavy sleeper so I had to think fast.
Crowbar? No, I doubt I could find one in this house. Screwdriver? Sayori's dad wasn't much of a handyman. Shit, shit shit what do I do!? It's not like I could use my library card to... I then remembered something...my library card.
I remember seeing on T.V that a sturdy plastic card could be enough of a tool to use when getting in a locked door. Of course, this only works for normal wooden doors with only one lock and certain fences that has a latch on it (Don't ask how I know this…-Konran)
My Library card was made with a sturdy-ish plastic that doesn't bend as easy, so it should be good enough to use and brea-, I mean, open the wooden door.
I pulled out my phone and opened its case in a hurry, digging through the multiple crumpled up bills of yen until I found my card.
(For certain legal purposes, I won't explain how to break into someone's room with a plastic card, but just know that it's pretty easy with some patience. FBI, please chill.)
After finally being able to open the locked door, I opened it quickly and poked my head in.
Sayori was on top of her bed and covers, face down and not moving.
I quietly walked over and placed my ear near her head, I concentrated my hearing and focused...there was breathing, it was faint but it was there.
I made a quiet sigh of relief as I stepped back bit and tried to calmed myself down.
I looked around for the moment and saw my bag right behind the door, I grabbed it and gently tried to close the door without waking up Sayori.
Before I was able to head down to the living room, my knees lost all feeling as I was forced to sit down at the top of the stairs.
My heart was still pounding fast and loudly to the point where I could barely hear myself think…
I don't know how lucky I was just being able to see Sayori on her bed instead of hanging from the ceiling or OD'ing on her antidepressants (which doesn't even work most of the time Sayori told me once.), but I know for a fact that, that was just it, I was Lucky. No telling whether or not I'll be as lucky as today than I'll be in the future.
I sat there for a solid 10 minutes before getting up and getting to the couch where I'd try and eat my lunch.
Strangely enough, at this time, I heard some footsteps thumping from upstairs before I heard the door open and go somewhere upstairs.
After about 5-10 minutes, Sayori was now heading down the stairs, not as much as an emotional wreck as she was before, but just a bit lifeless.
"Hey, sorry if I accidentally woke you up not to long ago. I accidentally left my bag in your room which had my lunch." I said as I took a swig out of my water bottle.
Sayori started to apologise, "Oh it's alright, sorry I forgot to put your bag outside before I took my nap but….how did you get in my room, I thought it was locked..." She said while trying to recall what she did just before she took her nap.
"Let's just say I sort of bootlegged my way in easily and got my bag, there's no need for details…" I said continuing my lunch.
Sayori gave me a strange look before dropping her question completely and putting her curiosity towards what I was doing on my sketchpad.
"Oh, is this how you make you graffiti?" She asked as she took a couple steps closer to the notebook
"Yup, it takes a bit if preparation to do one of these since you can't do one on a whim." I said as I finished my food.
"It's starts from a simple tag of what looks like a name or nickname in a stylized handwriting. If everything looks good and flows great, then you have to look online or at nearby graffiti walls to see if the name hasn't been taken. If the name's taken, then you got get another name and start over, but if it isn't then spray up your tag and see how it looks, if you like the way it does then you move onto a throwie. You've probably seen one or two of those in those gangster movie's, you know, those big fancy looking bubble letters that have some kind of color scheme or just black and white. The ones you see on T.v and some random soundcloud rap artists album cover that look blocky or unreadable with all the cool designs and color are my 'Endgame' or sorts, that what all the pro's do." I explained (For those who are experts in this, this is my best attempt at a simplified version, feel free to correct me. -Konran.)
"What you and the others saw yesterday on my phone was a simple tag, but since I didn't like how it looked and didn't flow as good as I thought, I had to start over. Usually I'd try and hide all this and not have anyone become a liability but since you guys have seen too much, hiding it from you three is pointless. This is what I have so far as of today." I said handing her the sketchpad.
As Sayori flipped through the sketchpad, her eyes showed genuine curiosity as she flipped through each page with a failed name or style.
She then handed me the sketchpad back with concern written on her face and asked, "Are you sure you won't get caught doing this?"
I continued to work on my tag as I replied, "As long as I go far enough where the police won't find it or care to find it, then yeah I'm pretty sure. Just do me a favor though; aside from me, Monika, and Yuri to an extent, don't tell or bring it up to anyone, not even to your parents or my parents. The less people know, the better for the future."
When I do get caught, which I hope is after I move out, I want to make sure no one but me is involved. Sayori and her parents have enough to worry about, Monika and Yuri are just bystanders, and my parents still need to pay off student loans, so anything graffiti should on me and only me
I just hope that the fines are at the very least payable…(Fun Fact: You can get 5 years of jail if you get caught doing one thing of graffiti.)
It's a good thing sketch pads are easily burnable…
"Well if you say so…" Sayori said uneasily.
"Don't worry, I'm not doing anything too dangerous yet like bombing in the middle of the day…" I said, Sayori gave me another look of concern and confusion.
I sighed to myself, "Nevermind, don't worry about that, just go ahead and eat something, it's been a while since you've had breakfast."
As I continued to sketch some more styles for my tag, I noticed that Sayori was boiling some water and had a cup of noodles in her hand.
...dammit, now I want some noodles…
I had to fight off the urge of asking for some as I tore my off away from the cup, bur couldn't help feel envious of Sayori at that time…
My thoughts of feeling Envious were disrupted when the front door opened, I quickly pulled my sketchpad inside my bag and turned my head towards the doors.
"Sayori?" Sayori's mom called out as she hastily took off her heels from her feet a rushed into the hallway that connects the living room and staircase.
Surprised from her Mom's very early arrival, Sayori responded just as surprised as I was, "Mom?"
Her mom rushed into the Kitchen where Sayori's voice was heard. Her mother grabbed Sayori and hugged her tightly.
After a couple of minutes, her mother broke the hug as she inspected Sayori's body seeing if there was anything wrong, "Oh, I'm so glad you're okay." She said as she placed both her hands on Sayori's face gently.
Sayori, still confused on why her mom come early, asked "Why are you here early? Where's Dad?"
Since Sayori's Mom and Dad worked from 6am in the same office, they usually come home at around 5, just about a half hour after Sayori comes home from Club.
"After speaking with our boss, I was able to come home early in exchange for your Father coming home later. He said he'll be home around 9." Her mother explained, Sayori looked sad when she heard that.
"Oh Sorry…" She said as she hung her head.
Her mother brought her head up and told her with a smile,"This isn't your fault, If he was free to choose something else, he probably would've done this. Don't feel like this is your fault."
Sayori looked at her mom and tried to accept what she was told, but her feelings of feeling guilty never really lessened.
Her mother noticed the pot that was boiling and saw the open cup of noodles that was right next to it.
She gave Sayori a concerned look, "I know you're hungry, but could you at least eat something healthier? Jun might not take you if you go towards the heavy side of life. We need you to be a bit more womanly so he can take you..."
Right, because I'm definitely not in the same room, nope not at all…
"Mom!" Sayori said embarrassingly as she looked away from me…
Her mother, looking behind from curiosity, finally noticed me and started to get embarrassed herself, "O-oh! Jun! I..I didn't see you there...Forget everything you heard, it's just girl talk, y'know?"
"Right, I'll make sure to forget everything, don't you worry…" I said in a toneless sarcastic voice.
I'll make sure to remember everything, don't you worry…
I started to pack up my stuff as I decided to head home, "Alright, Well I'm just gonna assume that this is my cue to go home, I'll see you tomorrow Sayori…"
"W-wait Jun…!" Sayori Tried to call out, "My mom didn't mean that! Don't believe her!"
I gave out a small wave as I continued to head to the front door and put my loafers on.
As I headed out the doors, I could hear Sayori faintly scold her mother from pulling a stunt like that.
It's a good thing I left while I still could, If Sayori had actually taken her mother's words seriously a good amount of problems would've shown up…
...I'd rather not tell Sayori that I have no special feelings for her for as long as I can if it means sparing her the hurt…
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
And that's that chapter done.
Nothing special to say this time other than Devil May Cry V coming out on the 8th, so I'm definitely M o t i v a t e d to play the game.
A thought from ZombieSlayers: Thanks, I don't try usually to impress people with the way I handle characters unless it's necessary. Glad you're enjoying the story so far.