Part Twenty-Six
Podrick came to about an hour after they left the Twins behind them. Arya had sent Ghost and Nymeria to trail behind them until they got to the North so they would know if someone was coming to hurt them. Tormund set Podrick back on his feet and Roslin offered a strip from her dress to use as a sling. He thanked her and she looked a little shell shocked when he called her Lady Tully. Arya didn't know all of the details but as far as she could tell this was only the second time Roslin and Edmure had been together since their wedding.
They were awkward around each other but they seemed to be quite enamored with their son. Roslin's admitted that she had to name him something but she chose Medgar since it was a Tully name and that is what her son was even though they weren't at Riverrun. Edmure smiled and seemed to like the name. They shared a horse as Roslin didn't know how to ride herself and Arya could see that the journey was likely going to be the thing that defined their marriage. They needed time to get to know each other and traveling long distances, as Arya could attest, was the best way to get to know someone.
Edmure, however, didn't seem to know what to do about Gendry. Arya caught him giving her husband a dark look more than once and she knew that at some point she was going to have to sit down and have a conversation with him about it. For now, Arya made sure that it was obvious that she was in love and she hoped that her uncle would appreciate that if nothing else.
"It's not that I have a problem with him, Arya," Edmure said their first night after they escaped the Twins. Roslin and Medgar were already asleep in the tent that Meera and Podrick were previously sharing. Meera offered to sleep outside but Arya said that without the wolves there would be enough room in her and Gendry's tent for her. "It's just that I ended up in dungeons for years because of a love match with a Stark. Your brother was supposed to marry Roslin, not me, and because I wasn't good enough for Walder Frey the Red Wedding happened. So it's not him it's more that I need time to get over my own resentment for everything that happened to me."
"I understand," Arya said as she reached over and took his hand. He flinched a little when she touched him and Arya wondered when was the last time someone touched her uncle with a gentle hand. "I know all about needing time to recover and you'll get to see Sansa, Bran, and Jon again. You wouldn't believe how much Sansa looks like mother now."
"I imagine it's going to break my heart," Edmure said with a sad smile. "But it is good to see the Starks together again and I appreciate you coming down here to help me as you did." Arya did her best to smile as she watched her uncle go into his tent to be with his family and that cold feeling settled into her stomach again. Gendry was watching her and he gestured away from the camp, where everyone was eating and taking care of their wounds, so they could have a moment alone.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"I thought I would feel better," Arya said. "I thought that killing them would give me some peace or something but it didn't. I don't feel any better; my mom and Robb and Talisa are all still dead and killing Walder Frey didn't help. So much of my life has been revenge and yet it doesn't really help."
"The fact that you can recognize that now is extremely important," Gendry said. "You got the North food and you rescued your uncle. That means something." Arya shook her head and crossed her arms tightly across her chest.
"Do you remember when we met Cersei for the first time?" she asked and Gendry nodded. "She called me a liar when I said that I stayed in Westeros to help people. She said I stayed because I wanted revenge and she's right. I did want revenge. I had my list of people I wanted to die because I wanted revenge and I thought killing Lannister soldiers was better than nothing. My uncle just thanked me for rescuing him but I didn't come down here for him. Would I have come down here at all if the Freys were letting merchants through? I don't know if I would have and I know I didn't help all of those people just out of the goodness of my heart. I helped them because it was convenient for my revenge. How am I any better than the people I'm fighting against?"
"Intentions don't mean anything, Arya," Gendry said as he took her into his arms. "If I'm on the streets of King's Landing and a noble gives me some coin because he genuinely wants to make a difference in my life and another gives me a coin because they want to show off to their friends about how much they supposedly care about the smallfolk when they don't those coins spend the same. Your intentions might not be pure but the results matter and we helped a lot of people." Gendry pulled away so he could look at her. "I will follow you into the heart of the Red Keep if you believe gutting Cersei Lannister will bring you peace but I think we both know that it won't. The same way we both know that we could talk about being safe all we want but it's never really going to happen. We aren't ever going to be safe." Gendry pressed his forehead to hers and Arya felt something inside of herself warm again.
He would follow her into King's Landing and help her try to finish her list. He would give his life for that mission even though it meant nothing to him and he didn't believe in it. Arya thought about Sandor and how his entire life was consumed by revenge but even he was here, fighting for the North and for Sansa, instead of going to King's Landing to kill his brother. The people around her were letting go of their revenge so maybe it was time for her to let go as well.
"Cersei is probably going to die one way or another," Arya whispered. "That doesn't mean it has to be me. If she is gone then the people I care about are safe and that's really all that matters." Gendry smiled and kissed her forehead. They made their way back to the camp hand in hand and ignored the japes about what they were doing off in the dark together. It didn't matter because that cold feeling was gone and she felt better than she had in years.
Arya didn't know if she was expecting the Freys to call the banners to kill them but after a week and nothing happened she was beginning to think Stevron was maybe smarter than she gave him credit for. Podrick was still looking far too pale and Arya was worried that his wound would fester if they didn't get back to Winterfell faster. However, Roslin and Medgar were slowing things down considerably and after ten days, when Podrick woke up with a fever, she knew it was time to split the group up.
"He needs a maester," Arya said to Meera. "You know how to travel quickly with someone who isn't able to help themselves. I want you to take Tormund and travel ahead to Winterfell. I won't have him die for this mission."
"He won't abandon Gendry," Meera said as she glanced over her shoulder at Podrick. "He won't let us take him ahead. He wants to be here so he can help if the Freys decide to attack." He was stubborn and there was no way he was going to leave Gendry behind. That meant that she had to do something she really didn't want to do.
"Then Gendry will go with him," Arya said. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been separated from Gendry willfully. It'd been years and years. They were partners, a team before they were a husband and wife and she didn't want to be away from him. She also knew that her heart couldn't handle the thought of her own selfishness costing a man his life. Meera nodded sadly as Arya went to find Gendry.
"I need you, Meera, and Podrick to head to Winterfell quickly," she said.
"You want me to leave you behind?" he asked and there was something like hurt in his expression.
"Podrick won't leave your side and he needs a maester or he's going to die. I don't want to be apart from you either but we have to do this," Arya said. They both glanced at Podrick who was sitting far away from the fire even though he appeared to be shivering from the cold. "The wolves won't let anyone attack us and I promise I'll be safe. You just need to get him to a maester as quickly as possible." Gendry sighed heavily and pulled her into a rough kiss. She held onto him tighter than she planned to and didn't want to let him go. She also hated herself a little for realizing just how dependent she was on him now and how the mere idea of being away from him made her sick to her stomach.
"Meera, Podrick, let's go," Gendry said after he pulled away from her. Podrick looked up at him and blinked like he didn't understand what was going on. "You're not well, my friend, so it's time to make for Winterfell quickly. Everyone else will catch up."
"But-"
"No buts," Arya said. "I know you'd be stubborn about leaving Gendry since he is your charge so he's going too." The sun was nearly down but Gendry and Meera both insisted that they could travel at night and would. Podrick looked embarrassed as he climbed on the horse with Meera and wrapped his one good arm around her like he was expecting everyone to make fun of him for it, but no one said a word. Instead, they wished the three of them good luck and that they hoped Podrick would be feeling better by the time they got back to Winterfell. Arya clasped Gendry's hand and squeezed it tight.
"I'll see you soon. I promise," he whispered and she nodded. All other words got stuck in her throat and Arya watched as the three of them road into night. She desperately wanted to send Nymeria with him because she knew the wolf would keep him safe but that was just as selfish as wanting him to stay. They needed Nymeria and Ghost to make sure they weren't going to be ambushed by the Frey's. Arya glanced at Edmure who looked a little proud of her like he understood that she was giving away a piece of herself in the name of protecting someone else. Arya had blood on her hands but Podrick was a good man and she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep at night if she let him die.
"We'll continue our travel at first light," Arya said. She tried to give up her tent to someone else but they all insisted they could sleep outside by the fire. Arya thought about joining them as she lay in the tent by herself. It was strangely cold even though she was underneath plenty of furs.
It took them nearly a week to get back to Winterfell and it was one of the longest weeks of Arya's life. She didn't know that she could miss someone like this and it hurt her more than anything. It made her realize just how dependent she was on him and it terrified her. Arya found herself constantly thinking about what would happen if he left for good or if he died. It would kill something inside of her and Arya wasn't sure if it was something that she could survive. She spent the entire week feeling like someone chopped off a limb and there was nothing she could do to fix it.
Arya always knew that Gendry meant a great deal to her but she didn't realize until this moment just how much. She always swore that she wouldn't be that woman that couldn't stand to be away from her husband for days or even hours. Now, here she was, feeling sick to her stomach that she couldn't roll over in the morning and feel him close. It'd been nearly seven years since they'd met and Arya couldn't think of a time they were apart for more than a few hours. Now there were days and it hurt like nothing she'd experienced since she lost her family. The idea that losing him could hurt more than losing her father, her mother, her brothers, felt like she was somehow disrespecting their memory. It made her angry at herself and then at him for making her feel this way.
By the time Winterfell came into view, she was stewing in her anxiety and hatred more than she had the first time they came home. The wolves still hadn't returned but now that they were in the North there wasn't anything the Frey's could do without declaring open war. The gates open and her heart skipped a beat when she saw Gendry standing with Jon, Sansa, and Bran as they waited for her return.
"Only you could come back from a fight with more men," Jon said as he pulled her into a tight hug. "Thank you, Gendry and Meera told us everything and I'm so proud of you. You got justice for our house and you made sure food is on the way. I have scouts that said the first merchants from the Reach have just passed the border and should be here soon."
"It was the least I can do," Arya whispered. She didn't flinch when Gendry pulled her into his arms but it was a near thing. She still held onto him like he was her lifeline and she hated herself again for even thinking that. "How's Pod? Is he going to be okay?"
"Yes," Gendry said as he looked down at her fondly. "The maester says that you made the right decision sending us ahead. He's going to be fine and he's resting."
"Good, that's good," Arya replied. She watched as Gendry seemed to realize that something was wrong and the smile slowly melted from his face. He looked like he was about to ask what was bothering her when she pulled away to hug Sansa. Edmure and Roslin climbed down from their horse and Jon smiled at them.
"Uncle Edmure, it's so good to see you," Jon said but Edmure was staring at Sansa and looked like he was about to burst into tears.
"Yes, Jon, I mean Your Grace, it's been a long time since I've seen you," Edmure said as he visibly tried to pull himself together. "May I present my wife, Roslin Tully, and our son, Medgar." Roslin bowed as well as she could in a tattered dress with a baby in her arms but Sansa walked forward to hug them both. Edmure was still staring at Sansa with a sad look in eyes but he smiled when she held little Medgar in her arms. Sansa cooed at the baby and Arya was once again reminded that this wasn't something she got to have. And when she didn't get to have something it meant she was denying Gendry the family he had wanted so long.
"Please, uncle, call me by my name. I insist upon it," Jon said. "We let in the people of Winter Town a few days ago so space is beginning to run low but we'll find room for all of you."
"Yes, please come inside, all of you, you all look like you need a hot meal and rest," Sansa said as handed Medgar back to his parents. Arya began to walk inside but Gendry took her arm.
"What's going on?" he asked softly. Arya chewed on her lower lip and pulled him into the godswood so they could have a little privacy. She released his arm and paced back and forth a few times as she tried to find the words. "Did something happen while we were separated? I got the impression you didn't have any problems traveling."
"No, we were fine, everything was fine," Arya said.
"So why do you look so upset?" Gendry asked and he was so patient. He had endless patience it seemed for all that she did. She thought about what he said in the woods about revenge and how he would follow her into the Red Keep to kill Cersei if that was what she wanted. The idea that he would do that terrified her but what frightened her more was the idea that she wasn't sure she could even go alone anymore.
"I depend on you," she said. "I depend on you too much."
"I depend on you too. That's what we agreed to do when we got married; depend on each other," Gendry said slowly like he didn't understand why she was upset.
"No," Arya said as she took a step away from him. She could feel a lump in her throat and she didn't want to cry but she had to be strong. "I depend on you too much and it's bad. I spent my entire life saying I wouldn't be one of those women who falls apart when her husband is away and I've spent a week falling apart. I can't do this. I can't be that person."
"You're upset with me because you missed me too much," Gendry said and Arya refused to look at him. If she looked at him right now she knew what she would see and it would break her. Two days ago she decided that she was going to do this and she couldn't back out now.
"I realized that losing you would hurt me more than when I lost my parents or my siblings and that is wrong," she said. "I've never felt weaker than I did when we were apart and it's your fault. I can't be that person. Not anymore and not ever again."
"You're leaving me," Gendry said and his voice was so monotone and dead that Arya had to look up at him. He laughed bitterly to himself. "I always knew you were going to leave one day because that's what people do to me; they leave. You're just like everyone else in my life."
"You were going to leave me first," Arya snapped. "Don't think I've forgotten that the only reason you didn't stay with the Brotherhood is because the Red Woman tried to buy you and I got you out of there."
"Seven hells Arya that was years ago, how can you hold that against me when you're standing here telling me you want to leave because I make you weak?" Gendry yelled and at this rate, they were going to draw attention. "You're a princess, a lady, so I guess you don't need me hanging around anymore. You're home now, back in Winterfell, the only thing that has ever mattered. You used me long enough to keep yourself safe by marrying me, it even got you out of a betrothal you didn't know about, so it was my pleasure to serve House Stark for these many years." He mockingly bowed to her and Arya was so angry so swore that she could see red.
"Oh like you didn't get anything out of it either," Arya snapped. "You got a pair of warm thighs to lie between and someone to give a shit about you which is all you apparently need." Deep down she knew that was too far but he had also gone too far and now she was angry. There was no one she knew better so she knew all of his weak points the same way he knew all of hers. "I refuse to continue to disrespect my family by caring more about you than them. They are the most important thing to me."
"We both know revenge is the only thing you care about, your highness, and that has nothing to do with me," Gendry said as he stared down at her with fury in his eyes. "I'm sure your brother the King can find a way to end this marriage that you believe makes you lesser." Gendry turned and walked out of the godswood without another word. Arya knew that he would go to the forge because Gendry was predictable if nothing else. He would go bang steel because it was the only thing to calm down that infamous fury that was in his blood.
Arya clenched her fists as she walked back into the castle and nearly ran over an old woman that had come in from Winter Town. She snapped an apology and didn't really care how bad it made her look. She needed to be away from people right now. Several people were refusing to look at her and Arya could only guess that they'd heard the fight. It would be all over the castle within the hour. Everyone was going to eat soon but Arya wanted nothing to do with it. She went into their room, her room, and slammed the door behind her and locked it.
She refused to believe that she was wrong and she couldn't believe she almost gave up her list for that stupid bastard of a man. Arya couldn't believe she allowed members of House Frey to live when she should have burned the entire castle to the ground in revenge. She needed to leave because she hadn't realized until they were apart that she had let Gendry become her entire life. Her identity was less Arya Stark and more related to him than anything and she couldn't have that. She fought for so many years to come home and now that she was she needed to focus on that. The North and her family were the things that mattered. Not him. He couldn't matter more than that.
The heat of the forge brought little comfort as Gendry mended some of the armor that people had brought in in recent days. The Northern armies were beginning to gather and that meant more people were going to be using this forge and he would have to focus on weapons and armor. He hated that Arya had this ability to find every open wound he had and make them bleed fresh no matter how old they were. Several people were giving him odd looks when he left the godswood and Gendry wondered if Jon would string him up when Arya told him she didn't want to be married anymore.
Gendry was also not surprised when less than an hour into his work Meera walked into the forge with a small plate of food.
"I brought you something to eat," she said.
"Thanks," Gendry replied without looking up from his work. He really didn't want to talk about this but he had a feeling that Meera wasn't going to give him a choice.
"So, I heard you and Arya had a fight," she said and Gendry slammed his tools down hard enough that out of the corner of his eye he saw Meera jump.
"Yes, I suppose the whole castle knows about that because no one around here can mind their own business," Gendry snapped but he felt bad about yelling at her. Meera didn't have anything to do with this and she'd been a good friend since he walked through these gates. "I apologize Meera, you don't deserve my anger. It has nothing to do with you."
"I understand," she said softly. "What happened?"
"She wants to leave me," Gendry replied as he took a piece of bread from the plate and began to eat it.
"That...can't be right. You two love each other. I've never seen two people more in love than you two," Meera said.
"Apparently she realized that she cares about me too much and that somehow disrespects her dead family or something. I don't really know what she meant but the point of it is that she's leaving me," Gendry said as he slammed the hammer down on a breastplate too hard. "She's used me to get home and out of a marriage so she doesn't need me anymore."
"You don't really believe that," Meera said and Gendry could see her wince as he hammered on the plate.
"All of you high borns are the same, Lady Reed," he said as he glared at her. "You use us until you don't need us anymore and then you disregard us like we're tools. I'm not a thing, I'm a person, and I won't be used by Arya or Jon or anyone else."
"Please come inside-"
"I'm not coming inside," Gendry said as he went back to his work. "The last thing I need is to give His Grace a reason to separate my head from my neck. It doesn't matter that she wants to leave or that she initiated our physical relationship or that she asked me to marry her. In the end, it's going to be my head on a pike because she's a lady, a princess, and I'm a bastard. She's important and I'm expendable. I always have been and I always will be." Meera was quiet for a long time as she watched him work and seemed to realize that he didn't have anything else to say to her.
"I'm going to give you two hours alone out here," she said. "And then I'm going to come out and check on you."
"You can do as you please, Lady Reed," Gendry said without looking up at her. She made a small noise and left him alone in the forge. He did his best to focus on work as the sun went down and it got colder but even as the night began to fall he could barely focus. It hadn't been two hours yet and Gendry thought about going somewhere else so Meera couldn't find him. He pulled his cloak around his shoulders and walked out into the courtyard. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone move in the shadows near the gate.
Gendry frowned as he realized that the guards weren't at the gates like they were supposed to be and he could hear what sounded like a woman crying. His hammer and sword were back in the room but he wasn't about to let someone sit out here in the cold if they were hurt. The torches were out and the courtyard seemed darker than usual. It wasn't snowing but the clouds were thick and cast a shadow over the moon. He could hardly see.
"Someone out here that needs help?" Gendry called out but a gust of wind seemed to steal his words. He was near a far wall where he thought he'd seen someone in the snow when he felt movement behind him. Gendry turned just as two hands clasped his shirt and slammed him against the wall.
"I hope you didn't forget about me, dear boy," the red woman said. She was so close that Gendry could see the red in her eyes and feel the heat coming off of her body. Davos told him that there was a good chance that this woman, Melisandre he was told her name was, had wanted to drain his blood or burn him alive. Jon told him that he'd sent her away and she would die if she returned. Gendry wanted to yell for help but her fire red eyes seemed to steal all of his words. "Time to help kings rise and fall, dear boy." Before he could react she pulled a powder out of the sleeve of her dress and blew it in his face. Gendry felt his muscles seize and he could barely breathe. She smiled as she let him fall into the snow as the world faded to black.