Darkness is a Funny Thing… It Creeps Up in You
Chapter Four
Upon leaving the diner, Killian made his way down the streets until he reached the library just as Belle had arrived as well, and had already begun to unlock its doors. She smiled at him in greeting while Killian chivalrously held open the door for the beauty to walk inside in front of him, then they worked to set things up so they could continue their research that they had started working on together not too long after Killian had been released from the hospital. She was as eager to free the fairies as Killian was because they were her friends. However, it was more for her than that too. Belle wished to help Killian to free them, as well as the old man and the Wicked Witch because she understood how much righting his wrongs meant to him. She knew as well as Emma and everyone else did that he wasn't really to blame for trapping the fairies, and she knew better than anyone just how manipulative her husband could be. So she didn't blame Killian for trapping the old man or Zelena inside the hat either.
They barely spoke to one another while they worked, as Belle typed out in her emails she sent out to those she hoped could help her, the words from the spells she had found within a number of the books not just from the library, but from those she had collected from Gold's shop as well. In the meantime, Killian finally finished putting together a collection of their research up on a bulletin board, then took a few steps back so he could carefully study all that they've collected so far in the hope that an answer would jump out at him. Unfortunately, nothing did after awhile and it wasn't long before his frustration eventually got the better of him, when Killian suddenly lashed out as he swung his hook to knock the board off its stand keeping it upright and onto the floor, before he finally let out a long frustrated sigh, then raised his hand to place his fingers over the bridge of his nose upon feeling a headache rising within the forefront of his head.
Belle looked over at him in concern after he had done so and saw the frustration and despair on his face until he finally bent down to pick the board up from the floor so he could put it back on top of the stand. She was frustrated as well, but Killian needed to hear comforting words, and not words that were meant to scold him for allowing his anger to come through.
"Are you all right?" the beauty gently asked him within a few moments once she cleared her throat so as to not startle him when she spoke to him at last.
"Six weeks and nothing," the Captain brusquely retorted, immediately regretting having snapped at her and sounding so ungrateful since all she was trying to do was help him and offer him a little comfort, and yet he couldn't let go of his disappointment just yet. "They're still trapped inside that bloody hat."
Belle nodded in understanding and then she replied assuredly, "Look… we just have to keep at it, okay? But we will find a spell to release the fairies. I mean… these translations are difficult, but I've reached out to some of the finest minds in the world, and one of them will get back to us. I know it."
Killian finally turned his head towards her and the computer she was working at as he answered her out of disbelief, "If we're reduced to those magic boxes, then I'd say hope is in short supply."
"They, uh... call it the internet," she sternly responded as she tapped her hand against the top of the computer in order to clarify for him what the machine actually was, given that he was still new to the technologies of this world. "And it can help us. And once we get the fairies out of the hat, they can help us release everyone else, including that poor old man that you put in there."
"I'm so sorry," Belle immediately apologized upon recognizing the blame towards him that came across in her words just then. "I didn't mean…"
However, he didn't appear to have heard her at all, as Killian regretfully continued, "All because I let myself be tricked by that Crocodile. How could I have been so weak?"
When the beauty walked out from behind the desk as she began to push a cart full of books towards the book cases to put away now that they were no longer useful to them, she felt her own remorse rise up within her as well, for allowing Rumple to get away with all he did for so long and for being blind to his deceptions, so she softly replied, "Well… We both were. You know, Rumplestiltskin got the best of us."
"And you're right," she continued on, as Killian finally looked at her upon hearing her and seeing the sadness she felt, then started walking towards her as he listened. "You… You should've been stronger, but you weren't. And… Well, neither was I. You know, I… I should've seen through him."
"You were blinded by love," he sadly answered her with understanding, in hope of offering her a little comfort as she was trying to do for him. "What was my excuse?"
Belle kept working to put the books away even though she turned her attention to him while she responded, "Probably the same… just for someone else."
The pirate began to help her put the books on the shelves as he responded, "Well, he's right about one thing… Love is a weapon, as dangerous and persuasive as magic."
"Yeah," she sternly replied after she inhaled deeply and let her breath out. "Yeah. He had both of our hearts."
"Hey… As big a bastard as he was, he did love you," Killian tenderly answered her once more.
The beauty's voice broke and tears began to fall from her eyes as she despairingly responded, "And, uh… now he's gone from our lives forever. Yeah, I… I just… I uh… I just hope he's found whatever it is he's looking for."
Without saying another word to one another for the moment, Killian simply continued to help Belle with the books, until Archie walked into the library carrying his umbrella in his hands and started walking towards his friends, but stopped upon seeing the bulletin board covered with all their research, then began to study it.
Belle set down the books in her hands and made her way over to the doctor when he turned to look at her once she approached him as he said, "I was told you would both be here continuing your work in finding a way to free the fairies from that hat Gold possessed. I wanted to offer my help."
"I'm not really sure what you can do right now," the beauty replied, then turned her head around to see that Killian continued working instead of joining her and Dr. Hopper, and appeared to be focusing solely on his work in order to avoid talking with the man of conscience.
"Actually… you could help me try to offer Killian a little peace of mind," she then whispered to her friend so that the pirate Captain couldn't hear them talking about him. "I've been trying, but so far I haven't done much for him. He's really been more of a comfort to me than I've been for him. He's hurting, Archie. And I know Emma's been helping him as much as she can too, but…"
Archie nodded in understanding and then he answered, "I know he's struggling. That's really why I'm here. I've seen the guilt that's been bothering him ever since everything that happened between him and Mr. Gold. I was at Granny's with him and Emma, and the others before we both came over here. I told Emma I would continue to try to talk to him again. If he'll let me."
While still working in the book cases, Killian nearly finished replacing the last of the books, until all of a sudden, he doubled over in pain upon reaching too high in order to put one of the books back on the top shelf where it belonged, then cursed at himself for letting a cry escape his lips when Belle and Archie immediately rushed over to help him.
He looked between them sternly, then turned away while he uttered weakly, "I assure you… I'm fine."
"Killian?" the beauty spoke his name out of concern once he started walking back over to the bulletin board in an effort to continue ignoring them, sensing their worry for him and not wanting to deal with it just then. "I really wish you wouldn't continue pretending like everything's fine. Just as I'm sure Emma wishes you would tell her everything as well."
"Please… just don't," Hook curtly retorted before she or Archie could say more. "I know you mean well, but don't bring Emma's wishes for me into this. Believe me… I know. And I've been trying. It's just… I'm not good at sharing what I'm feeling with anyone, especially because most people here don't treat me as they should. You all should be angry with me after all I've done. But you're not. You've all been nothing but forgiving and kind, especially Emma and I don't… I don't understand it. I don't deserve to be comforted, or to feel better. At least not until I can make things right."
Upon finally understanding, Archie spoke again calmly saying, "So that's why you're having trouble allowing Emma or anyone else to get close to you right now. It's why you're refusing to allow her or even Regina to heal what's left of your wounds so that you'll finally be back to your old self. But Killian… there's no good reason why you have to go on suffering in such pain like you are. We're here for you because we care about you. I know forgiveness isn't something that comes easy for you, but…"
Before the doctor could go on any further, Killian abruptly interrupted, "There's a very good reason, Cricket. Believe me… a part of me wants to tell Emma everything. I want to let her in and to allow her to finish healing me. Especially this wound left behind because of the bloody Crocodile…"
"I'm so sorry, Belle," he then sincerely apologized to the beauty after he swiftly cut himself off to avoid hurting her further. "I don't mean to curse him, especially in front of you."
"It's okay," she responded to him in understanding and then smiled. "You don't have to apologize. Please go on. Don't stop talking now."
Killian walked over the desk where the computer was stored and leaned up against it while he crossed his arms, then finally he continued softly, "For as long as I can remember, I've kept certain… things, that serve to me as a reminder of something important. In fact… most of the few possessions I've kept over the years are reminders. My hook… the Jolly Roger, which I'm no longer in possession of, of course… my rings… numerous scars…"
While she and Archie continue to look upon him sadly, Belle replied, "And now you wish for these remaining wounds of yours to become added to the rest of your scars? So they can serve as a reminder? Of what? Why do you need them to remind you of anything? From the exhaustion we can all see on your face and in your eyes, not to mention the guilt you're failing miserably to keep hidden from everyone, especially Emma… it's obvious you're having no trouble forgetting that terrible night six weeks ago. Why feel the need to suffer needlessly, when the nightmares I'm sure you're being plagued by when you sleep are already doing so for you just fine?"
"Because it's no less than I deserve," Killian reluctantly answered her after a few moments, without looking back at her and Archie as he kept his head down on his hand. "It's like I've been saying. These wounds… this wound Gold forced upon me, as well as the lingering pain around my heart… I betrayed Emma. Gold may not have given me a choice when I was forced to do his bidding in some things, but he was only able to rip out my heart, because I allowed for him to do so when I gave him reason. I never should have gone to him in the first place. I thought… I thought that Emma deserved better. She deserves a man who can hold her with two hands, not just one and an ugly stump left behind, or a cursed hook that has been bloodied over and over after causing nothing but the murder of hundreds of innocent people in my many years as Captain Hook."
"The Snow Queen got into your head," Archie assuredly responded to him once more when he finally spoke again. "She's apparently still very much inside your head. She has made you feel like you're less of a man, especially one who is unworthy of Emma. And Gold… he only continued to feed on your fear until you self destructed. But Emma understands all that, and she's forgiven you because you feel remorse and you're doing everything you can to make things right. Just as we all have forgiven you. Because you're a good man, who loves her with your whole heart. That's now void of the blackness put there by your past sins by the way. I saw so that night."
Killian shook his head in disbelief, then he replied again sadly, "The blackness may be gone, but it still doesn't change all the bad I've done. For Gold, and otherwise. Especially those things beyond me being forced to do for him while in control of my heart. The old man… even Zelena… They're all trapped inside the bloody hat because of me. I lied to Emma about everything. I beat a man simply for trying to break into a library and nearly hurt this thief earlier that night merely for spilling wine on Emma's dress the night of our date. I tried to kidnap Henry and would have taken him away from his mothers, had the lad not been clever enough to set a trap of his own so he could escape from me. And the fairies… I can't pretend like I didn't do these things. I can't just let them go. Which is why I deserve to feel the pain caused by these wounds and to suffer these nightmares because… Well, because Emma has forgiven me for everything. Even for my many past sins, and it's because of her that it's as though they've been erased. But they're not. Not for me, they're not. I've done far too much I'm ashamed of, and even if I spend the rest of my life trying to make things right… And believe me, it would take an entire lifetime to do if it were possible… I don't know if I can forgive myself for all that I've done. You both know firsthand how cruel I can be. The least I can do is continue to feel this pain."
He then finally raised his head to look at Belle and remorsefully added, "Just as Gold doesn't deserve you, Belle… as you're good and loving, I don't deserve Emma. I don't. Yet I'm too much of a coward to leave her. Without her, I'm nothing. I might as well be dead."
"Do you want to know what I think?" Archie finally asked the pirate Captain. "I think that it's more important for you not to leave Emma, because you wish more than anything to protect her from threats that are beyond yourself. And she's had too many people abandon her in her life just as you have. You don't want to be one more person to hurt her as they have."
"You're right," Killian answered him. "I can't be another person to hurt her. Not so long as she'll continue to have me. I can't hurt her anymore than I have already."
Belle smiled at her friend sadly and then she stated, "You call yourself a coward. It's funny… I've called Rumple a coward a number of times in our past together, but it was always because he has been willing to push away our love and even destroy it, all for the love of his power and his drive to gain more and more. That… and because he's never fully believed I would love a beast like him. And now he's finally lost me for good. You call yourself a coward… not because you push your love away upon loathing yourself as you do, but you're terribly afraid of losing her because of all your sins, yet you stay and you continue to fight to be a better man everyday because of Emma. It's beautiful. And I think… Emma is very lucky to have you in her life. You love her just as any woman deserves to be loved, Killian. That is what sets you apart from the man you used to be and why we all have forgiven you, whether you feel you deserve our forgiveness or not."
Killian was about to speak again, until an alert coming from the library's computer sounded to inform Belle that a new email had come through, then after she walked around the desk to read it, she looked between her friends as she informed them that the email they had been waiting for from a man she believed to be a professor getting back to her with the translations had finally arrived, unbeknownst to the beauty that it was really Gold who she was in communication with.
Given that they were no longer talking about him and upon hearing that the translations they had been waiting for came in, Killian smiled out of relief, then responded, "Excellent. I'll head to the Charmings' loft to find Emma, and to collect the Dark One's dagger and the box containing the hat. You go find Regina and let her know we'll be needing her help with freeing the fairies at last. Hopefully once we do, we'll be able to save the old man and Zelena too. Thank you, Belle. And you too, Dr. Hopper. But there's work to be done."