A short story on how "helpful" Rodney can be in fights. Not a tag, but was inspired by something Carson said to Rodney in an episode. He told him axes and knives can do damage too, and Rodney seemed not to have thought of that, which made me realise I hadn't seen him fight with a knife before (just stand there waving it around while yelling). So, I thought, let's write something that shows how well Rodney does in a knife fight. Spoiler alert; not so well.

Not finding a ZPM was a disappointment, but the feeling was nothing compared to the fear that rushed through Rodney's body when two Genii spies appeared in the doorway. Both were holding knives, and not the small kinds.

'Hand over the ZPM and you might live,' one of them said. Rodney took a step back.

'There is no ZPM,' he replied shakily. The one who had spoken grinned and lifted the knife.

'I suggest you stop lying and just give us what we want. I will get it eventually, whether you're dead or alive doesn't matter to me.'

Rodney looked around the room, but it was small and cramped, with an empty console in the middle. He was all alone and his gun and bag were near the door, so out of reach. Teyla, Ronon and John were out there somewhere, but probably nowhere near him. He had a knife on him, but his fighting skills were, well, way below average. There was no way he could take out both.

'You don't understand, there really isn't a ZPM here,' he said, hoping to buy enough time for the others to come back. 'You're both armed, I'm not, why would I lie about it? I would love to get my hands on a new ZPM, but frankly, it's not worth my life.'

The guy on the right seemed to believe him, as he lowered his knife, but the one on the left wasn't that quickly convinced. He stepped forward.

'Maybe so, but I want to be sure,' he said with a grin that could only mean a lot of pain for Rodney.

He whimpered softly, when there was a sound in the hallway.

'Rodney, I didn't find-'

John's sentence was cut short when, as he stepped in the doorway, he had to raise his gun in order to block the knife that was swinging towards him. It cut the cord, and a kick to his hand made the gun fly from his hand. He evaded another swing, ducked low and landed a blow of his own in the man's stomach, who stumbled back gasping for air. He then gave the man an uppercut to the chin, and his head snapped back as he sagged to the ground.

The other man had turned around as well, realizing John was more of a threat than Rodney, and he slashed towards his neck. John grabbed the arm before it could reach him however, but the man was strong. He pushed John against the wall, trying to drive the knife into his throat. John's arms shook from exhaustion as he tried to push the arm away. He glanced over the man's shoulder to Rodney.

'Rod...ney...,' he grumbled, eyes demanding him to help. Rodney hesitated, but then took out his knife and held it in front of him, taking careful steps forward. The man didn't seem to notice him, but still Rodney was scared he would turn around and hurt him instead. But seeing his friend in need, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes halfway, and with a roaring battle cry he rushed forward, the knife extended in front of him.

He only stopped when he felt the knife cut through something and hit something hard, and his body slammed into someone. He opened his eyes and saw he had crashed into the Genii man, who now lost control over his arm and instead of slashing John's throat, was pushed against the wall in a way his hand doubled over and he was forced to drop the knife.

Rodney took a step back, giving the man enough space to spin around with his elbow and hit him right in the face. He felt his nose break with a sickening crunch. With a yell he stumbled backwards, his hands reaching for his nose, only now realizing he was not holding his knife anymore. Through teary eyes he looked over the man's back to find where he hit him, but there wasn't even a scratch.

Using the man's momentum backwards, John's kick to the stomach sent the man flying backwards. Rodney jumped out of the way and the man hit the console with the back of his head. His head also bounced once when he landed on the floor, but after this he didn't move anymore.

Rodney gave a sigh of relief, flinching as he felt the blood splatter on his hands. It flowed freely and fast down from his nose, and some down his throat, making him instantly nauseous. He turned around to complain to John about it. That's when he spotted his knife. Embedded not in the Genii spy, but John's shoulder. John's hand was hovering over the handle, shaking slightly, as if in doubt whether to pull it out or not. Blood was already soaking his t-shirt and it also ran down his arm.

'Oh my god,' Rodney gurgled, his eyes wide in shock.

'Thanks for the help Rodney,' John said with gritted teeth. Rodney forgot about his nose for a second and lowered his hands a little.

'I-I…stabbed-'

'-me. Yes. You did.' John groaned as he pulled out the knife and pressed his hand on the wound. 'Next time you run at someone with a knife, maybe keep your eyes open?'

'I-I'm so s-sorry,' Rodney gasped.

At that moment, Ronon and Teyla appeared. At the sight of the Genii men sprawled on the floor, both drew their weapons.

'What happened?' Teyla asked, scanning the room and her teammates.

'We had some unwelcome Genii guests-'

'-and one broke my nose!'

'-and Rodney stabbed me.'

Ronon and Teyla frowned at the last sentence.

'Rodney did what?'

Rodney stepped forward, one hand trying to stop the bleeding from his nose and making an apologetic movement with the other.

'It was an accident!'

Ronon turned to Rodney.

'How can you stab your teammate by accident?' he wondered out loud. Rodney's face flushed.

'Well, I rushed to John's aid with my knife-'

'-with his eyes closed,' John finished the sentence. Ronon frowned again.

'That's just moronic.'

Rodney rolled his eyes but John nodded.

'Yes, that's why they teach kids not to run around with scissors. But even kids are smart enough not to do so with their eyes closed.'

Rodney opened his mouth to protest, but Teyla interfered before it escalated even further.

'Let's just say Rodney has learned. Is it serious?'

Though she was talking to John, Rodney was the first to answer.

'Yes, it is. It's definitely broken, and it might have done permanent damage so I can never smell again. And you know what comes with not smelling? Not tasting. Not that the powerbars taste that good but-'

Rodney quickly shut up when all three of the others shot him a glare. Teyla turned to John, who tested his shoulder. He hissed when the pain shot through his entire arm, but was glad he could still move his arm at least.

'Carson's not gonna be happy,' he replied. 'And neither am I.' He shot Rodney another glare, who still looked a bit in shock. He moved to pick up his gun, but his shoulder protested, and he was glad Ronon did so instead.

'Thanks buddy,' he said, 'Now let's get out of here before those two wake up.' He glanced back at the Genii men who were still unconscious, then left, with Teyla and Ronon following.

Rodney still stood in the room, holding his nose, carefully stepping to his bag on the floor. He hesitated to pick it up. His hand was dripping in blood, and he actually didn't want to smear his blood everywhere.

'Can I have a little help too? I'm also very badly injured!' he yelled after them, but after getting no reply, he mumbled 'Never mind', picked up his bags anyway and hurried after them.

Rodney's nose was broken indeed, but it wasn't crooked, so he was discharged from the infirmary with a small nose splint and pain killers. It took quite some effort to get him to leave because a) he was sure Carson must've misjudged how bad he was injured, and b) he secretly wanted to hang around to see if John was okay. Only when Carson assured him both he and John would be fine, and told him how angry he was and more angry he would get if he didn't go, he left to get some rest.

John had a damaged tendon, a small hairline fracture in his scapula of where the knife had hit bone, and enough blood loss to keep him in an infirmary bed for the night. For once, John was actually glad of that. Carson had indeed not been happy, especially when he found out Rodney was the one to blame for the damage. So when he sent Rodney away, the tone in Carson's voice told him Rodney wouldn't be coming back unless absolutely necessary. He was grateful for at least one night of quietness and rest.

A day later, when he was discharged as well, John went to look for Rodney and found him in the mess hall. He sat at the table with Teyla, Ronon and some of John's youngest soldiers. He had purple bruises under his eyes, but instead of complaining, he was bragging about it, and how his actions had helped win the fight. Ronon and Teyla were grinning at his story, and it was obvious the soldiers didn't believe a word he said too. Rodney didn't seem the notice as he went on.

'-and then I – Oh, hello John.' Seeing John, the soldiers sat up straighter, and Rodney's face turned red at the sight of his arm in a sling, making the bruises underneath his eyes stand out even more.

'Oh, don't let me stop you with your story. It sounds..interesting,' John said, grinning. Rodney gave a nervous smile.

'I eh was just telling them how I, I mean we, took them out so quickly,' he stammered.

'Yes, we, did a great job. In fact, why don't you give a demonstration on knife fights later? I'm sure we can all learn something from it,' John replied. Teyla and Ronon snickered. Rodney's face turned even redder and he swallowed hard.

'Well, I wouldn't call myself an expert on knife fights,' he said, nervously grabbing his tablet in order to give his hands something to do. 'I think,' he continued, raising a finger, 'I could still learn a few more things.' He smiled, proud, thinking he talked his way out of it. But John's grin grew wider.

'Excellent idea Rodney. As soon as dr. Beckett gives the clear, I want to see you every morning for a training session.'

Rodney was about to protest, many excuses coming to mind such as John's own injury, but John wasn't done talking yet.

'With Ronon, of course.'

And when Ronon turned to him, the biggest and most sadistic smile on his face, Rodney groaned loudly, knowing he was doomed, and the others just laughed.